Murder, Trauma and Overcoming Pain - Amelia Rees

00;00;01;09 - 00;00;26;23
Speaker 1
Welcome to sunburned Souls. I'm Dave Quak and on this show we explore life and faith and our mental well-being. As a pastor that struggles with mental illness, I get to chat to people like me, people that love Jesus and follow the way of Christ while dealing with the messiness and brokenness of lives. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode.

00;00;26;25 - 00;00;38;26
Speaker 1
Well, this morning we're in for a treat and we are turning the tables on week one. On our first episode where Amelia Reese interviewed me today, I am going to interview her. So welcome, Amelia.

00;00;38;27 - 00;00;40;29
Speaker 2
Well, thank you very much for having me. I'm so.

00;00;40;29 - 00;00;58;29
Speaker 1
Excited. it's exciting to have you here just to get us started. What? And I ask you a completely random question. What is your favorite chocolate? How old are you and what are you doing with yourself these days? Because that's exactly what you asked me about the way you're known in the feedback as the lady with the epic laugh

00;00;59;00 - 00;01;02;17
Speaker 2
Yes, I and I apologize and I have to edit out my own laugh

00;01;02;20 - 00;01;12;20
Speaker 1
We know that. So I'm editing this one so we can't get rid of it. No. So. Yeah. Tell us, what's your favorite chocolate? How old are you and what's going on in your life at the moment? Well, lots of.

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Speaker 2
Stuff is going on in life. Chocolate is easy. Anything that's just chocolate flavor.

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Speaker 1
Okay, the flavor, anything.

00;01;18;28 - 00;01;26;08
Speaker 2
Is just keeping me away from the bulk of it. I just. Yeah, easily can monetary like a whole block. No dramas. Snack. Beautiful.

00;01;26;10 - 00;01;27;02
Speaker 1
Snack is good.

00;01;27;04 - 00;01;47;10
Speaker 2
Snack is good. Anything with the jelly inside is delicious. I am 33 years old, and. Yeah. What's going on in life? I am currently a podcast producer. Hairstylist? I own half of makeup brand director of a charity.

00;01;47;15 - 00;01;48;03
Speaker 1
Okay, my.

00;01;48;03 - 00;01;49;14
Speaker 2
Hand in a few pies. Yeah.

00;01;49;14 - 00;01;52;10
Speaker 1
You got a lot going on. You got a lot going on.

00;01;52;12 - 00;01;57;18
Speaker 2
But that seems to be always the way it's sort of been for me. It's just little things along the way. Skills that I pick up and.

00;01;57;20 - 00;01;58;07
Speaker 1
Awesome.

00;01;58;07 - 00;02;01;11
Speaker 2
I just go where God, God opens doors and I walk through them.

00;02;01;11 - 00;02;15;01
Speaker 1
I love it, I love it. Listeners will have seen in the promotion podcast, which is your production company, and you've been like delightfully partnering with me since the start, which has been awesome. So shout out to you. Thank you so much for that.

00;02;15;01 - 00;02;16;18
Speaker 2
That's okay. Oh no dramas.

00;02;16;22 - 00;02;21;14
Speaker 1
Can you tell us why you got on board? Amelia? I really appreciate it, but the listeners need to know too.

00;02;21;16 - 00;02;34;15
Speaker 2
That's true, that's true. And I guess that's sort of where the podcast really started the idea of it. So we were actually at your son's baptism. Yeah. And afterwards, which was an awesome day. Like just people getting dunked into the ocean.

00;02;34;17 - 00;02;35;10
Speaker 1
And cool.

00;02;35;13 - 00;02;37;26
Speaker 2
Getting rolled around by the waves.

00;02;37;28 - 00;02;42;18
Speaker 1
Yeah, it was pretty hectic, but the surf was big.

00;02;42;20 - 00;02;59;15
Speaker 2
But you and I were just talking afterwards and I can't remember exactly how the conversation started. I think I had said something like, you were asking how I'm going, and you and I was always been like, really open with each other. Yeah. So I think I was just straight up like, oh, you know, I'm coming down off some of my medications for my mental health.

00;02;59;15 - 00;03;05;17
Speaker 2
So somehow the topic of mental health came up between us and very quickly you were like, oh, I've got bipolar.

00;03;05;25 - 00;03;06;07
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;03;06;10 - 00;03;22;25
Speaker 2
Oh okay. That's cool. And you were saying that you wanted to. Well, you felt like I was telling you to start sharing that a little bit more. And I was like, cool. Yeah, I'll pray for you. Yeah. And I can't really remember how the whole podcast thing came up, if that was an idea of yours or,

00;03;22;27 - 00;03;49;01
Speaker 1
Well, a couple of weeks later after that, you sent me a text. Oh, I sent you a text saying, basically saying, thank you so much for the chat. I do think it's time for this to stop being made public. And you said, look, this is actually what I do. You know, and I always knew it's what you did, the podcast production stuff, but it's almost that profit without on a thing where you don't realize the gift people are in your life because, you know, I've known you since you were little.

00;03;49;04 - 00;04;02;28
Speaker 1
Yes. And now that you're an adult, you don't. I don't know, you just don't equate someone who you've known forever as being a boss in their own field, which you are. And then you. Yeah, you offered to, you know, get this going. Which really was the nudge I needed to get going.

00;04;03;00 - 00;04;08;05
Speaker 2
Yeah, definitely. And it's good because I think we well our relationship is that you're my uncle.

00;04;08;08 - 00;04;08;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;04;08;22 - 00;04;10;05
Speaker 2
I probably should explain that.

00;04;10;08 - 00;04;12;26
Speaker 1
Wondering why you.

00;04;12;29 - 00;04;16;15
Speaker 2
I'm actually originally a quack as well. So my dad and.

00;04;16;15 - 00;04;21;13
Speaker 1
And my brothers, she's lucky enough to have married out of the name. Yes. I'm stuck.

00;04;21;13 - 00;04;24;27
Speaker 2
So lucky I'm Mrs. Raised now, but is so much better than anything.

00;04;24;27 - 00;04;29;17
Speaker 1
Is better than quack. Like anything. Like literally anything. Really.

00;04;29;19 - 00;04;30;01
Speaker 2
Anything.

00;04;30;05 - 00;04;46;27
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah. So you all the names. But more than that, I think I just consider you like one of my sisters in face. You know, we've always been tight like this. And when you said, you know, it's time to nudge this forward, you were the catalyst for this getting going. Really. And I suppose it brings back to the real question.

00;04;46;27 - 00;04;54;04
Speaker 1
So you're passionate about podcasting, but also particularly around mental health. What why is that? Would you mind starting with your story?

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Speaker 2
Yeah, I think the I guess the passion for the mental health or the openness that I freely speak about it is because I didn't I wasn't open for such a long time. From a young age, I sort of battled with my mental health, but I didn't really seek any help or speak to anyone about it. And and I think that's really important.

00;05;13;12 - 00;05;28;22
Speaker 2
And just speaking out what you're struggling with, it helps to process just no matter what. That's why we go and see psychologists. You know, it's actually just talk it out because as you'll speaking things. Yeah, it helps you to understand where your brain's actually coming from when it comes to adding words.

00;05;28;22 - 00;05;33;26
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And for you, did you see a psychologist young or was that later in life?

00;05;33;27 - 00;05;57;21
Speaker 2
It was later in life. So yeah. So my mental health journey really started when I would say I'll when I was about 15. So. Well, my dad is pastor, so I'm a pastor's kid, always had a strong faith church. And one of my good friends from church, her name was Tanya. She was walking home from school, got off the bus and she was, touched by a 16 year old boy who ended up stabbing her 48 times.

00;05;57;23 - 00;06;20;09
Speaker 2
And she lost her. She lost her life, obviously. And that really just absolutely rocked my world. And I didn't really talk about it much. I definitely hit all of my feelings for my family and people around me. I felt really ashamed. I felt angry at God. But then I felt guilty for being angry at God because I was like, you know, raised in the church.

00;06;20;09 - 00;06;21;14
Speaker 1
And yeah.

00;06;21;16 - 00;06;42;02
Speaker 2
You know, you can't be angry. Yeah. So it sort of spiraled for quite a few years. And then we moved back to Queensland and there was just a whole bunch of things that sort of went on. And I just got to this place where I was. Yeah, I got to a place where I was not wanting to live on this earth anymore because the pain was just too much, and I didn't know how I was going to cope.

00;06;42;05 - 00;06;53;08
Speaker 2
And I actually said to a friend of mine on the bus, I was like, oh, you know, I may not see you on Monday. Just thought, why not? And I was like, I don't know. I'm not sure if I'll be here. I she was so mad at me.

00;06;53;10 - 00;06;55;02
Speaker 1
She yelled at you today.

00;06;55;02 - 00;06;58;27
Speaker 2
You pretty much. It's like, what do you think that's going to achieve, you know?

00;06;58;27 - 00;06;59;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;06;59;12 - 00;07;11;27
Speaker 2
What's it going to achieve? Nothing. And she was the only one that I sort of shared how I was feeling. And she was only 15 at the time too. So she, you know, she doesn't have the capacity to be like, I think you're not in a great place. You need to speak to someone.

00;07;12;00 - 00;07;31;06
Speaker 1
Well, I mean, the fact that you guys were 15 dealing with that, like, you know, my son's 15. And if one of his friends were married, it would rock their worlds and they wouldn't have the tools to process it. Like, as a 15 year old young lady, you didn't have the tools and she was your friend. Like the horror.

00;07;31;06 - 00;07;34;01
Speaker 2
And it's very traumatizing like.

00;07;34;04 - 00;07;35;14
Speaker 1
You said stabbed 48.

00;07;35;14 - 00;07;38;02
Speaker 2
Times. Yeah. It's over two minutes.

00;07;38;05 - 00;07;38;20
Speaker 1
That's one.

00;07;38;20 - 00;07;39;24
Speaker 2
Stop. It's huge.

00;07;39;24 - 00;07;41;02
Speaker 1
That is really messed up.

00;07;41;02 - 00;08;01;09
Speaker 2
Huge. So it's not just and that was the thing to it was an intentional. It was very intentional. It was planned. It was premeditated. Like I said, the guy who killed her was only 16 at the time. So his name is never been released. And he's actually served his time now and is out. We'll be walking in the world, and I've had to deal with all of that as well and what that feels like.

00;08;01;09 - 00;08;06;23
Speaker 2
And, but to answer your original question of when did I see a psychologist? Not until I was about 20.

00;08;06;25 - 00;08;13;14
Speaker 1
Okay, five years though. So for five years, were you really just tracking by yourself internally in your mind?

00;08;13;15 - 00;08;28;05
Speaker 2
Yes, definitely. I would say, you know, like when I was at my lowest and I was you know, wanting to take my own life, I was still only just 16. And years later I talked to my parents about it, and I had no idea, absolutely no idea. Which, you know, goes to show how good of a liar I was.

00;08;28;09 - 00;08;28;27
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;08;29;00 - 00;08;35;09
Speaker 2
Yeah, basically, that's the way I see it. Like, I, I learned very quickly to put on, put on the face that I needed to put.

00;08;35;09 - 00;08;36;12
Speaker 1
On to.

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Speaker 2
Avoid it because it was just too painful to try to talk about. Or I would pretend that I was fine, just crying to my pillow for six hours in the night.

00;08;45;00 - 00;08;49;04
Speaker 1
She. That's heavy. Was the attraction to death to relieve the pain.

00;08;49;04 - 00;08;54;16
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. It was. I just didn't know I had, like you said, didn't have the skills. Didn't have the skills to cope.

00;08;54;18 - 00;08;56;14
Speaker 1
Why didn't you go there.

00;08;56;17 - 00;09;05;23
Speaker 2
I don't know it's not something it's it was a space that I would contemplate a lot. But it's one thing to contemplate it and then to actually take some action.

00;09;05;28 - 00;09;07;23
Speaker 1
Yeah. So anything I need to plan so.

00;09;07;23 - 00;09;21;11
Speaker 2
I never well I had a thought about that was really big. I used to live down in Gosford. There's a massive hill down there. Yeah. And you could easily throw yourself off and just land on the rocks and it would be done. So that was my plan. And that wasn't too far from my house. I could catch a bus or whatever.

00;09;21;11 - 00;09;22;14
Speaker 2
So that was the thought.

00;09;22;18 - 00;09;23;00
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;09;23;05 - 00;09;41;12
Speaker 2
But and I think part of it too was like, why I don't want to bring my, my people that love me through that as well, because it's one thing for a lot to be taken intentionally by someone else. It felt like a bigger step up to take that myself. Yeah, I guess because there would be a lot of unanswered questions for my family.

00;09;41;15 - 00;09;49;14
Speaker 2
Yeah, that they wouldn't understand. And that's not really fair. So, yeah, well, I'm lots of battles and in your head just go in circles.

00;09;49;16 - 00;10;02;09
Speaker 1
I can imagine in that five years it would have felt like 15 years, you know, trying to figure out even the questions. You know, you mentioned being mad at God. But then you said you can't be mad at God because in the church, why can't you be mad at God?

00;10;02;09 - 00;10;05;14
Speaker 2
I know. Well, that's why I learned it's okay. He's big enough. He can type. Yeah.

00;10;05;17 - 00;10;13;15
Speaker 1
But was that kind of the ID you had of churches that it was wrong to get mad at God or, you know, your faith wouldn't allow that? What was that about?

00;10;13;20 - 00;10;19;03
Speaker 2
Yeah, I think and all the pastors kids out there are probably going to be nodding their head along.

00;10;19;05 - 00;10;19;19
Speaker 1
Okay, okay.

00;10;19;24 - 00;10;41;18
Speaker 2
But when you're a pastor, there's a certain expectation of how your to act, a certain reverence. I guess that is expected of you in church. So I think for the first 15 years of my life, I very much felt God was the Old Testament God. I guess you would say not a God of like rage or anything like that.

00;10;41;18 - 00;11;05;02
Speaker 2
But he was someone to be respected and to put your good church clothes on on Sunday morning and to go Sunday morning and night because that's what it's, it's, it's it's that expectation I guess. Yeah. So that deep love and understanding of how much God loved me just for me, despite my faults and despite how I felt about the world and myself, that it was a different relationship.

00;11;05;02 - 00;11;17;14
Speaker 2
Back then, I didn't fully, I don't think, understand how much God cared for me. It was more of a tradition. I'm showing up because that's just what I do.

00;11;17;18 - 00;11;18;16
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.

00;11;18;18 - 00;11;23;15
Speaker 2
And I definitely had a faith. Like, I would say I was a Christian back then, but it was just a very different sort of relationship.

00;11;23;15 - 00;11;43;17
Speaker 1
That I had. Yeah. And you can't understand the difference between that and now until you get to the now. Yeah. You know, when you're in it, you think that's what it is. Yeah. How how it looks. Okay. So you trekked for five years with this. What made you go and see a psychologist. Or how did you come to a place where you thought I really need help.

00;11;43;20 - 00;12;05;24
Speaker 2
I think I got to a point so, so 15 all of this happened and then we moved up to Queensland when I was like 16.5. So I had say three years, 3 or 4 years living up in Queensland here at that time I graduated high school and funnily enough decided to go to Bible college because I was like, I like people and I love Jesus.

00;12;05;24 - 00;12;09;04
Speaker 2
So that seemed like the next logical choice.

00;12;09;07 - 00;12;09;16
Speaker 1
Which is.

00;12;09;16 - 00;12;32;23
Speaker 2
Awesome. I learned a lot at that time. Yeah. So I went to Christian Heritage College for Bible College and that really it was more of a Pentecostal church compared to the background that I was from. And it really opened up my eyes to that spiritual side of God and that Holy Spirit and that feeling that I had. I had never experienced that before.

00;12;32;24 - 00;12;33;03
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;12;33;11 - 00;12;53;21
Speaker 2
It just wasn't in the way that we worship God growing up. Which is fine. Some people worship God in a traditional setting. Some people want to, you know, dance around and clap their hands and white flags. Yeah. And I hadn't experienced that flag waving. I pull and it really opened my eyes what people were praying for, healing for me.

00;12;53;23 - 00;13;04;22
Speaker 2
And God can heal miraculously. But he wanted me to do the work. Yeah. To figure that out. Yeah. And then at that point I was like, oh, okay, I've got some issues I need to deal with and I need some professional help.

00;13;04;24 - 00;13;15;09
Speaker 1
I mean, I think that's why as you get prayer and you get help, okay. But was it being in the atmosphere of the Holy Spirit moving that kind of prompted you? Okay, it's time to time to face this stuff.

00;13;15;09 - 00;13;22;22
Speaker 2
Yes it did. Yeah. And all at the same time too. I had this dark being that followed me around for a long time.

00;13;22;22 - 00;13;23;01
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;13;23;06 - 00;13;26;17
Speaker 2
And we can go real deep into it if you want to.

00;13;26;20 - 00;13;27;19
Speaker 1
But let's let's go there.

00;13;27;20 - 00;13;41;16
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I would say, I would say a demon at the end of it would sit at the end of my bed every night from when I was about 15 to, to about 18, I think. Yeah, I got to the point I would just sleep, which it wouldn't do I to sit and stare at.

00;13;41;16 - 00;13;42;17
Speaker 1
It and taunt you sit and.

00;13;42;17 - 00;14;08;27
Speaker 2
Talk me. And eventually I got some help from you to figure out how to pray against that stuff, because I thought I was starting to go mad, basically. And looking back on it now, the devil really used the death of my friend to torture me. And it worked for five years until I realized that God doesn't want me to be tortured, and I don't deserve that.

00;14;08;29 - 00;14;29;02
Speaker 2
And he wanted to release me from that. And you taught me how to, you know, pray. And yeah, you really taught me how to stand in, to have strength in the spirit. And that sounds so silly growing up in the church. But there was so much focus on God and not so much focus on the other side.

00;14;29;04 - 00;14;29;24
Speaker 1


00;14;29;27 - 00;14;49;16
Speaker 2
And the impact that that can have and the role that, that plays in our daily walk. So I wasn't really fully aware of the power of that, I guess. And once I started to experience more things in the spirit, I realized that power. And I realized that I have the power and it doesn't lie with someone else. And I'm not crazy.

00;14;49;16 - 00;14;52;00
Speaker 2
I'm not saying things. Those things are there.

00;14;52;07 - 00;14;52;26
Speaker 1


00;14;52;28 - 00;14;57;28
Speaker 2
But they're there to try to draw my attention away from the Lord. Yeah. And I'll try real hard.

00;14;58;00 - 00;15;09;04
Speaker 1
Yeah. And and if his intention is to steal and kill and destroy, that's his trifecta. He already killed in your life. And he wants to steal and destroy as well. 100.

00;15;09;04 - 00;15;09;14
Speaker 2
Percent.

00;15;09;16 - 00;15;13;21
Speaker 1
That torture for five years is a good word. It would have been torture. Yeah.

00;15;13;26 - 00;15;15;03
Speaker 2
Yeah, it really was.

00;15;15;05 - 00;15;19;22
Speaker 1
You know, and that's one thing about the enemy. He doesn't play fair. You will sustain. Yes.

00;15;19;25 - 00;15;28;10
Speaker 2
Exactly. And that's the thing I love. Yeah. And I didn't have the tools I didn't have I had a baby brain as well you know. Yeah. Gone through all my hormones.

00;15;28;16 - 00;15;45;27
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to talk about 15 year old girl hormones on this. But at the same time, too, you had the trauma like the wound, the physical trauma. And you mentioned you moved away at 16.5, so you only got to sort of be in the area for another year and a half. That's not enough time to process it.

00;15;46;02 - 00;16;07;05
Speaker 2
No, I didn't feel it was. So I was very resentful towards my family for taking me away from that. God use that to his glory. And I feel awesome friends and bring up near family and stuff was really good for us and and if we had stayed there, probably never would have left. And I don't think I could have fully healed if I had stayed in God's word.

00;16;07;08 - 00;16;08;27
Speaker 1
Yes,

00;16;09;00 - 00;16;25;18
Speaker 2
It just would have been too painful. And that's what they went back. I sorry, my husband, Marshall went back there just last year, and we drove through Gosford and drove past the place that was she was killed and all that sort of stuff. When we do that every time we visit, and usually that's a moment for me to sort of grieve, have a bit of a moment.

00;16;25;20 - 00;16;41;09
Speaker 2
And as we drove through the city, I just felt this intense sense of freedom. Well, there was nothing left for me to process for that. Like God had said, that was really hard. And that's a chapter. We can close that now.

00;16;41;10 - 00;16;41;22
Speaker 1
Wow.

00;16;41;23 - 00;16;48;01
Speaker 2
And that was really powerful to sort of get that, okay. It's okay to leave it in the password issues. You've done the work.

00;16;48;07 - 00;16;48;19
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;16;48;20 - 00;16;54;17
Speaker 2
To heal. But that's you know, I spent I've spent more than half of my life having to deal with that.

00;16;54;22 - 00;16;55;03
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;16;55;03 - 00;16;55;20
Speaker 2
One thing.

00;16;55;28 - 00;17;04;04
Speaker 1
It is a long journey. When it's over half your life. What happened when you start seeing the psychologist? Did that lead to any further, intervention or anything?

00;17;04;07 - 00;17;13;10
Speaker 2
I was fairly quickly diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Yeah. And went on to some medication. So I'm on Zoloft.

00;17;13;12 - 00;17;26;27
Speaker 1
Zola. Good old Zoloft. Reminds me of the little snowman off. Yeah. What's it say? Oh, well, yeah. It's love. Yeah. Makes it sound cuter than it really is. Yeah. Anyway, I think that one,

00;17;26;29 - 00;17;48;25
Speaker 2
And that's always worked really well for me, in the sense the way I explain is, is it sort of brings my emotions rather than fluctuating so high and so low it brings them to the middle. So you really happy times don't feel as happy, but you're really sad. Times don't feel as sad. Okay. But it's like it gives me the mental energy to be able to deal with whatever's in front of me.

00;17;48;26 - 00;18;10;25
Speaker 2
Just gives me that little bit of extra focus on it. Okay? Because when you're, very anxious and depressed, things come into your life, and then all of a sudden it feels really disjointed and you can't focus on anything. And I really wanted to try to work on those issues, not just talk about them, but like, I needed a life change.

00;18;10;28 - 00;18;17;15
Speaker 2
I needed to do this differently. And for my mental health to be different. And that's had lots of ups and ups and downs even in the last ten years.

00;18;17;20 - 00;18;21;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah. So the medication and you continued with the therapy tests.

00;18;21;25 - 00;18;44;22
Speaker 2
Yes. Yes, definitely. And that was massively helpful. And even just really simple little, little things that you would sort of pick up. And a big thing for me is this being aware of what's making me feel anxious or depressed. So one of those tips that the psychologist taught me is first to be aware of what is making me upset.

00;18;44;24 - 00;19;08;00
Speaker 2
So say, for example, I'm just really sad because, you know, I miss my friend who's dead. Next thing is to acknowledge how those feelings feel and be okay with it. You know it. Just acknowledging them. I feel angry, I feel upset, and it's okay to feel all of those feelings. Because basically, when I first started psychology, I didn't have much of a vocabulary to explain my emotions.

00;19;08;02 - 00;19;08;22
Speaker 1
Okay, I.

00;19;08;22 - 00;19;33;22
Speaker 2
Was happy or sad. Okay, you need to figure out some different words and use your sadness, anger or your sadness depression, you know, so just finding different words. So being aware of what it is, acknowledging how that's actually making me feel. And then from there I've got two choices. I can either take action if action can be taken or I can accept it as it is, if there's nothing that I can do about it.

00;19;33;22 - 00;19;50;03
Speaker 2
So, for example, I can't change the fact that my friend is gone. There's nothing I can do about that. There's no action that I can take that's going to change that outcome. I can choose to accept it. Or my other option is I hold it up in front of me and it blinds everything else.

00;19;50;04 - 00;19;50;15
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;19;50;17 - 00;20;03;12
Speaker 2
And I can't see anything else. So I've had to learn how to accept something. And then put it down. Doesn't mean that I forget about it or it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm allowed to pick it back up and yeah, be aware of how that's making me feel. But then I need to put it back down and accept it and then leave it there.

00;20;03;16 - 00;20;03;26
Speaker 1
Okay?

00;20;03;29 - 00;20;05;26
Speaker 2
Not bring it with me every single day.

00;20;05;29 - 00;20;11;22
Speaker 1
Right? And every now and then it does come back up. Yeah. Same process again and.

00;20;11;26 - 00;20;20;25
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yep. And I don't think that that'll be the same forever. You know, as a human you can ever be okay with what happened.

00;20;20;27 - 00;20;21;21
Speaker 1
Yeah that's horrendous.

00;20;21;21 - 00;20;23;15
Speaker 2
I can learn how to live with that now.

00;20;23;15 - 00;20;25;08
Speaker 1
It's a lifelong wound.

00;20;25;10 - 00;20;28;27
Speaker 2
And it's not of God. So how can it be? And not painful.

00;20;28;29 - 00;20;37;27
Speaker 1
Well that's right, that's right. And traumatic events have a lifetime effect on us. And you don't get any more traumatic than that. Oh.

00;20;38;00 - 00;20;40;03
Speaker 2
No, not really, not really.

00;20;40;06 - 00;20;51;14
Speaker 1
I've personally never lost anyone super close to me like I have, but not to that extent. So I can't even, kind of imagine the pain that would have been you know, it's crazy.

00;20;51;17 - 00;21;07;15
Speaker 2
Yeah, and it is hard. But when, you know, if you're supporting someone who has been through some sort of big trauma like that, it is hard to know what to say and how to treat them and all that. And, you know, my husband, Marshall, some struggle with that over the years. And ultimately I don't need him to understand.

00;21;07;15 - 00;21;11;04
Speaker 2
I just need him to be there and just listen and support me and.

00;21;11;06 - 00;21;16;15
Speaker 1
Appreciate you sharing that. Amelia. Now that is into your 20s, what's you know, what's been going on since then?

00;21;16;17 - 00;21;23;15
Speaker 2
Oh, well, my 20s were interesting best and the hardest time fun was.

00;21;23;17 - 00;21;24;29
Speaker 1
Well, best and.

00;21;25;01 - 00;21;25;26
Speaker 2
Best and hardest.

00;21;25;26 - 00;21;30;05
Speaker 1
So wait wait wait, just clarifying. Harder than your team.

00;21;30;08 - 00;21;30;20
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;21;30;21 - 00;21;33;15
Speaker 1
Okay. This is going to be crazy. Okay.

00;21;33;18 - 00;21;50;19
Speaker 2
Best in the sense that, my husband and I got together. Yeah. Marshall is the absolute lord of my life. He's my rock. We dated when I was 16, when we just moved up to Queensland for about a year, and I was like, blah, blah, blah, we're going to get married one day. Absolutely scared. The bejesus out of him and he dumped me.

00;21;50;22 - 00;21;56;25
Speaker 1
He dumped you into your own marriage at 16? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

00;21;56;27 - 00;22;05;14
Speaker 2
Yeah. And then about five years later, I had some other, relationships between that. But five years later, we reconnected again. And within six months, we were married.

00;22;05;16 - 00;22;20;14
Speaker 1
Okay. So lovely. So you dated Marshall? You were both teenagers. Now you dated then. All these other people in between. I don't want to say. All these other people. Those. And then you dated Marshall. Now, did he date any girls in between that time?

00;22;20;15 - 00;22;23;22
Speaker 2
He had a couple of my old girlfriend.

00;22;23;25 - 00;22;26;27
Speaker 1
I would say. And then you ended up back together. That's so lovely.

00;22;27;01 - 00;22;34;17
Speaker 2
Yeah. So lovely. Yeah. So he proposed. And then two weeks after he proposed, we found out that I had a tumor.

00;22;34;19 - 00;22;37;00
Speaker 1
Okay. What sort of tumor I had.

00;22;37;02 - 00;22;39;00
Speaker 2
I shouldn't it's like an automatic for me.

00;22;39;06 - 00;22;51;09
Speaker 1
Him. It's just like love. It's like trying to think about something. Souls is. I even said this in the first episode. Is sometimes all you can do is laugh because everything's so freaking lunatic. It's just lunacy. It's as wild as wild.

00;22;51;09 - 00;22;51;28
Speaker 2
Yeah, that's. Yeah.

00;22;52;05 - 00;22;58;19
Speaker 1
Just sometimes it really is just laughter. So yeah, sometimes we do laugh at inappropriate times. Yes we do.

00;22;58;21 - 00;23;04;18
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I for about a month and a half, I thought it was full on cancer that I was going to die.

00;23;04;20 - 00;23;05;19
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;23;05;21 - 00;23;16;12
Speaker 2
And then the diagnosis changed. So I actually have a whole. If you want to know all the nitty gritty details of, you know, all the medical sort of stuff. I actually have another episode that I've recorded myself.

00;23;16;18 - 00;23;20;12
Speaker 1
Okay. Podcast. Excellent. We'll put that in podcast notes. Then you can have a link to that.

00;23;20;19 - 00;23;40;21
Speaker 2
But the basic of it is I had a osteo blastoma, which is a bone tumor. Okay. The reason that I thought it was cancerous is usually a bone tumor is secondary, which means it started somewhere else in your body and then it's traveled. Okay. So they were really worried about that. So I had a a bazillion tests and all that sort of stuff.

00;23;40;21 - 00;23;51;09
Speaker 2
I said to Marshall, look, you know, if, if, if this is going to be my path you just proposed, here's you get out of jail free card if you want to take it. He was like, not on here for the long haul.

00;23;51;10 - 00;23;51;27
Speaker 1
A good guy.

00;23;52;02 - 00;24;13;19
Speaker 2
Such a good guy. And so this tumor was inside of my collarbone, which is really rare. Usually this type of tumors in your long bone. So which is your legs and your arms and sometimes in your spine. But this tumor was inside the collarbone. And what happened was basically it took over the inside of the bone and then grew outwards.

00;24;13;19 - 00;24;40;22
Speaker 2
So as it grew outwards, it would literally push my bone from the inside out. So very painful. So I had a big lump. I think when they extracted it was like six by three centimeters. I was absolutely massive. I had many, many surgeries over that time. So I first I did a biopsy. Then they tried to remove some of the tumor, and they grabbed some marrow from my hip and put that into my collarbone.

00;24;40;22 - 00;25;00;29
Speaker 2
So that happened just before we were about two months before we got married. Yeah. So in between getting engaged in that so engaged three months later, surgery, three months after that, let's get hitched. And then. But that was unsuccessful. It returned. Then there was one morning that I was standing in the shower, washing my hair, put my arms down.

00;25;00;29 - 00;25;02;27
Speaker 2
I literally just snapped in half.

00;25;03;00 - 00;25;04;05
Speaker 1
What you call.

00;25;04;08 - 00;25;11;00
Speaker 2
One snapped in half because it's eating away so much of the inside of my bone. There was nothing to yeah, gives you the heebie jeebies.

00;25;11;01 - 00;25;13;17
Speaker 1
That makes me cringe. I see it, yeah.

00;25;13;19 - 00;25;14;11
Speaker 2
Total curled.

00;25;14;11 - 00;25;16;23
Speaker 1
Up. Yeah.

00;25;16;25 - 00;25;36;00
Speaker 2
And then I tried to do another surgery and then that wasn't successful. And in the end, about after five years, 5 or 6 years of being in and out of hospital with this sort of thing, they eventually actually removed the whole collarbone. Okay. So now I don't have a collarbone and I can do a weird party trick and pull my shoulder forward and.

00;25;36;07 - 00;25;40;03
Speaker 1
You can pull your shoulder forward. I can see, but when you're sitting normally, you can't tell.

00;25;40;04 - 00;26;03;11
Speaker 2
No, not not. And, and it was really it really was a miracle. This, this type of surgery has never been done before in Australia. I had three different teams of doctors. So oncologists which of the bone doctors? I had plastic surgeons obviously to move everything around. And then, a heart specialist because the tumor had actually become vascular.

00;26;03;11 - 00;26;05;05
Speaker 2
So it connected to my blood vessels.

00;26;05;10 - 00;26;05;26
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;26;05;29 - 00;26;27;17
Speaker 2
Which is why I ended up with a lot of pain during that five years, because every time my blood pressure would go up, my heart would beat faster than the blood going through my tumor would push on the outside of my bones, and cause extreme pain. So for a long time I was on some pretty heavy painkillers and stuff like that as well.

00;26;27;17 - 00;26;29;24
Speaker 1
And like, what sort of painkillers?

00;26;29;26 - 00;26;33;05
Speaker 2
Lots of opioids. Okay. So opioids.

00;26;33;08 - 00;26;33;29
Speaker 1
Which opioids.

00;26;33;29 - 00;26;50;24
Speaker 2
Tapes? Why are you too much. Why are you too much? Now I'm very particular with what sort of painkillers I type because I, I got addicted to them. Yeah, and I didn't looking back, I didn't really have a choice. It was either be in a ridiculous amount of pain or be heavily medicated.

00;26;50;26 - 00;26;52;06
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;26;52;09 - 00;27;10;13
Speaker 2
And to be honest, I don't really remember a huge amount of that chunk of time. I was at home a lot, wasn't able to work and stuff like that, and I was just drugged out of my mind. I was on a tagine, which is I think is a fast acting opioid, tramadol, which is a slow acting one.

00;27;10;13 - 00;27;20;00
Speaker 2
Then I would have the coating and Panadol combination. And then there was another one and I at one stage I was taking about 20 pills a day, 20 pills.

00;27;20;04 - 00;27;22;12
Speaker 1
And they were pretty heavy ones as well. The ones you mentioned.

00;27;22;12 - 00;27;24;16
Speaker 2
Yeah, they're all, they're all pretty much opioids.

00;27;24;21 - 00;27;28;14
Speaker 1
They're all look floods here and then chucking some codeine as well. And

00;27;28;17 - 00;27;32;00
Speaker 2
You know at one stage they prescribed the green whistle. You know, they get those.

00;27;32;02 - 00;27;32;24
Speaker 1
To the ambulance.

00;27;32;25 - 00;27;34;28
Speaker 2
The ambulance slows the hectic.

00;27;35;00 - 00;27;35;15
Speaker 1
Thank you.

00;27;35;15 - 00;27;38;25
Speaker 2
Once they prescribed it to me, I would go to the chemist and pick it up.

00;27;38;27 - 00;27;39;22
Speaker 1
Well.

00;27;39;24 - 00;27;42;04
Speaker 2
Because the pain pain would be so bad.

00;27;42;05 - 00;27;44;14
Speaker 1
That's really, really crazy.

00;27;44;16 - 00;27;50;21
Speaker 2
Well yeah I drank a lot of pages. That's Lisa Dunlop my last.

00;27;50;23 - 00;28;09;04
Speaker 1
That's what you said that. Includes helps with constipation at times out. Correct. Maybe when they move the podcast called pear juice and constipation. Okay. So you drink a lot of pages right. But that's heavy that you got addicted to the opioids and then getting off them is not easy.

00;28;09;05 - 00;28;11;08
Speaker 2
Not easy. Not had full sweat.

00;28;11;10 - 00;28;11;19
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;28;11;25 - 00;28;27;01
Speaker 2
Crazy. You know, all that sort of stuff. Yeah. But I was pretty much on those sort of that sort of medication for about, I would say 4 or 5 years. Okay. Yep. So which obviously takes its toll on your marriage as well. Yeah. Because I was there but not there.

00;28;27;03 - 00;28;34;29
Speaker 1
Well, cause you're such a, like a virtuous person, like you're so, you know, full of life. Being on opioids probably didn't do that a lot of help now.

00;28;34;29 - 00;28;47;20
Speaker 2
I not I was very flat and I didn't really have, you know much to do either. So Paul Marshall oh he would go to work, work all day. So that well to support us. Yeah. And then he'd come home and I'd be like.

00;28;47;23 - 00;28;48;26
Speaker 1
Oh la la la la.

00;28;48;26 - 00;28;53;04
Speaker 2
La la la. Because I've just sent Spence. I'm a people person and I'm sales by myself.

00;28;53;11 - 00;28;53;16
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;28;53;19 - 00;28;58;12
Speaker 2
So some days I was literally waiting at the door for him to come home. And he's an introvert. So the.

00;28;58;12 - 00;28;59;16
Speaker 1
Poop. Yeah.

00;28;59;19 - 00;29;02;12
Speaker 2
I would come home and be like, oh, okay. Yep.

00;29;02;18 - 00;29;09;26
Speaker 1
Yeah. You and the two sausage dogs just waiting there. My now. Yeah, yeah. But he would be people out from work as well and.

00;29;09;28 - 00;29;19;03
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. And he really had to take on a carer role as well. Yeah. There was regular times I would just pass out from pain. Yeah. You know, so he would walk into a room, I'd just be lying on the.

00;29;19;03 - 00;29;20;18
Speaker 1
Floor to me.

00;29;20;21 - 00;29;23;12
Speaker 2
He catch me go down and all sorts of stuff.

00;29;23;12 - 00;29;29;01
Speaker 1
So because you still had the anxiety and depression going on to squeeze I can so loss all taking all those other ones too.

00;29;29;02 - 00;29;32;11
Speaker 2
Yeah. Correct. Yeah. My mind would just run around in circles otherwise.

00;29;32;13 - 00;29;34;25
Speaker 1
Yeah. Do you still see a psychologist in that time.

00;29;34;29 - 00;29;39;04
Speaker 2
Yes I did I can't remember what we talked about, but the.

00;29;39;05 - 00;29;51;23
Speaker 1
Psychologist would've been loving it. Yeah. Getting paid 100 bucks to go to sleep on the couch. Just about. Oh, dear. Oh, do you know there's two sausage dogs? But there's no kids running around.

00;29;51;24 - 00;29;52;26
Speaker 2
There isn't the kids running around?

00;29;52;26 - 00;29;53;19
Speaker 1
What's going on there?

00;29;53;23 - 00;30;17;20
Speaker 2
Nah. So I, I've decided not to start with after a lot of prayer and consideration, we are childfree by choice. Yeah, lots of reasons for that. Partly. You know, I spent the first ten years of our marriage really quite unwell, so that wasn't on the cards. Potentially. Anyway, you know, I may have had to have chemo or whatever, you know, so we just sort of put it out, out of our minds.

00;30;17;23 - 00;30;37;27
Speaker 2
And then as I got more and more, well, neither of us felt a real calling to be parents. But the calling to be really awesome aunts and uncles, yeah, was really strong. I personally don't smoke. That's a thing. If what if I was probably had a kid, I know I could be a good parent. I would like I would be happy not to do it.

00;30;37;27 - 00;30;38;13
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;30;38;15 - 00;30;47;17
Speaker 2
But and maybe it's fear. Maybe it's, I don't want to create another little mini me because I feel like the mini me inside my head would not be helpful.

00;30;47;19 - 00;30;49;09
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah. No.

00;30;49;11 - 00;30;53;13
Speaker 2
That little mini me is not going to help me deal with my life. I have to start dealing with this.

00;30;53;15 - 00;30;54;06
Speaker 1
Yeah? Yeah.

00;30;54;07 - 00;31;18;05
Speaker 2
Do I go off the rails? And then how does that impact that kid and all that sort of stuff, you know, which probably came about of sitting around at home by myself for long periods of time going, I don't know if I could do what a parent does because it's huge. Like, and to raise a kid that is balanced and emotionally stable takes a balanced and emotionally stable parent.

00;31;18;07 - 00;31;25;13
Speaker 2
And I don't feel I have the full capacity for that. Yeah, but give me a kid for a day or an afternoon or a sleepover.

00;31;25;16 - 00;31;25;26
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;31;25;29 - 00;31;27;04
Speaker 2
Can smash it out. Yeah.

00;31;27;04 - 00;31;28;02
Speaker 1
That's right.

00;31;28;04 - 00;31;34;20
Speaker 2
But also there's. I grew up without a lot of adult Christian mentors or anything.

00;31;34;24 - 00;31;35;09
Speaker 1
Like that.

00;31;35;09 - 00;31;40;23
Speaker 2
And I feel like that would have helped me that stage of my life. And I want to be that.

00;31;40;25 - 00;31;59;01
Speaker 1
Yeah. For the other little life. Yeah. I mean, that's awesome like that. You can have a sober reflection like yourself and actually come to that place. You know, some I don't want to offend people, but maybe some people should have thought about this before. Kids, you know what I mean? Because they are demanding and it is difficult. And if you recognize your capacity might not be there.

00;31;59;04 - 00;32;02;27
Speaker 1
Right. That's I think that's a really commendable thing. Yeah.

00;32;02;27 - 00;32;16;11
Speaker 2
I used to be really quite scared to talk about it because the the question I would always get is, well, what about when you're in the retirement home, who's going to come and look after you? And I was like, well, I don't really want my kids walking a bum anyway. Like.

00;32;16;13 - 00;32;17;05
Speaker 1
Right.

00;32;17;07 - 00;32;24;25
Speaker 2
Like I'd want someone to want to come and see me just to come visit you because I love you, you know, not just because they're tied to you by family bond.

00;32;24;25 - 00;32;45;04
Speaker 1
Yeah. That's right. That's so. Well, I think it's interesting, but it does speak to your capacity. But at the same time, having a capacity that is contingent on maintaining mental health hasn't stopped you from achieving a lot of things. Like we started at the start by talking about the fact that you've got pretty podcasts, which is an amazing production company.

00;32;45;04 - 00;32;53;02
Speaker 1
You've worked with lawyers and all kinds of people setting up their podcasts. You've also got your make up company, like tell us about that quickly.

00;32;53;04 - 00;33;15;04
Speaker 2
Yeah. So so my best mate and I, we've been friends for 17 years or so and she's a hair and makeup artist. Just incredible. Really awesome at what she does. And she bought an airbrush makeup business called Veil Bella. So it was preexisting. And then she bought it, and then she was sort of struggling to do everything herself.

00;33;15;06 - 00;33;37;00
Speaker 2
So I've actually come on as a partner with her. So I own half of an airbrush makeup. Yeah. Business. That's cool. Bella. And then we also do hair makeup for brides as well. Oh, any other general client I've got, I've done some training and now do hair styling as well, which I just love. It's because the podcast off I love to, but I don't interact with people today.

00;33;37;00 - 00;33;52;05
Speaker 2
I'm listening to them, but I don't have that human connection all the time. Whereas if you go to a wedding, you're talking with people, you're getting to know them. You're getting relationships. We're doing a trial with a bride, and then we see them two months later. So building that. So that's where that personal sort of connection comes in.

00;33;52;05 - 00;33;53;06
Speaker 2
And I really enjoy that.

00;33;53;09 - 00;33;53;20
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;33;53;20 - 00;33;54;29
Speaker 2
Side of it.

00;33;55;01 - 00;34;00;11
Speaker 1
Yeah. That's awesome. And then you've also started like a charity like yeah. Tell us about that.

00;34;00;14 - 00;34;18;21
Speaker 2
Yeah. So that's raising dignity was actually brought about by Tabby Senga. So she is a African refugee I came here oh. Must be about 15 years ago now after fleeing her village, which is Elmira, which is close to Burundi, which is right in the depths of the Congo.

00;34;18;22 - 00;34;19;07
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;34;19;08 - 00;34;37;19
Speaker 2
It's a very war torn area. And being such a war torn country, there's been a very long history there of sexual assault. And the result of that, if you are a woman who is sexually assaulted in the culture there, you are no longer pure, so you can no longer have anyone marry you.

00;34;37;19 - 00;34;38;02
Speaker 1
Yeah. Okay.

00;34;38;04 - 00;35;05;10
Speaker 2
You're out on the on your own. Your kids don't have any value. Yeah. So tabby wanted to help. So she started her own business here in the childcare sector to fund send money back home basically, which she had been doing for years with the support of my parents church. And that sort of led to some fundraising and some dignity dresses, as we call them, which was just making clothes for these kids because as soon as you dress someone nicely, it shows that they have value and someone cares about them.

00;35;05;10 - 00;35;22;18
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. So tabby was receiving support from the church, but then I found out that on the side with her business that she had been supporting, she'd actually started the school over there for her local community, which there obviously was none over there. That's what she also created a space for these women who had been rejected from society.

00;35;22;20 - 00;35;36;17
Speaker 2
And eventually I heard about what tabby was doing, and I said, hey, let's try to get this happening officially. Yes, I'll link all of that in the show notes below. And just we've just we've done very small things, like getting them sewing machines, which means that they can sew.

00;35;36;21 - 00;35;37;22
Speaker 1
And then they can make some money.

00;35;37;22 - 00;36;02;22
Speaker 2
Make some money, and then they've gone and sewn uniforms for the their school kids. And all of the sudden, once you dress someone nicely, they're less of a target because it shows that someone cares about them. Yeah, it's still in its sort of baby stages, but ultimately I would well, ultimately, the goal set me and I would develop Bella with the foundation business is for that to support Africa and to get that happening because, you know, we've got enough money.

00;36;02;27 - 00;36;11;16
Speaker 2
We can like, what are we going to do on this in this world to actually make a difference? And I think doing that through a business.

00;36;11;16 - 00;36;31;25
Speaker 1
I think it's excellent, especially because like, you know, when we wrestle with our mental illness, sometimes a 9 to 5 job is just not doable. Do you know what I mean? Like it's just not. And so for you to be able to create these different spaces means you can work and contribute and change the world, but also take stock of your mental health and yeah, self-care.

00;36;31;25 - 00;36;47;05
Speaker 1
And yeah, I know for us, even there's been a couple of times where you've said to me, Dave, just give me space for a few days, I'm, I'm taking some time off. It feels to me like you've been walking this journey long enough to know what you need to stay on top of your mental ill health.

00;36;47;06 - 00;36;49;07
Speaker 2
Yeah, and that takes time and practice.

00;36;49;12 - 00;36;49;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;36;49;23 - 00;36;59;19
Speaker 2
You know, trying to realize those warning signs and, you know, and also recognizing as a Christian to when that's a spiritual thing and when that's a mental health thing.

00;36;59;22 - 00;37;00;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;37;00;19 - 00;37;02;11
Speaker 2
Because it can feel the same sometimes.

00;37;02;11 - 00;37;09;16
Speaker 1
You really can't. It really can't. Have you got any tips for people on how to discern the difference between the two, or how it's looked like in your life?

00;37;09;18 - 00;37;12;17
Speaker 2
Ooh, that's a great question. I run with my gut.

00;37;12;19 - 00;37;13;10
Speaker 1
Right? Yeah.

00;37;13;13 - 00;37;20;12
Speaker 2
Sometimes it can take a couple of days for me to realize that something spiritual, but usually I can see it coming from a mile away.

00;37;20;14 - 00;37;20;24
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;37;21;00 - 00;37;22;08
Speaker 2
How about. Yeah, I don't even try.

00;37;22;11 - 00;37;28;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, well, I guess having that demonic thing takes you around in your formative years. It trains you in the art of, like, discernment.

00;37;28;19 - 00;37;33;19
Speaker 2
Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. And even though that time was really hard, it's actually a blessing now.

00;37;33;19 - 00;37;36;02
Speaker 1
Yeah. That's awesome.

00;37;36;04 - 00;37;48;22
Speaker 2
You know, all of this is really heavy and it sounds really dark, but God's really revealed to me that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. There's always a certain choice that we have.

00;37;48;26 - 00;37;49;08
Speaker 1


00;37;49;08 - 00;37;53;26
Speaker 2
And ultimate. That choice is to fix our eyes on the Lord or not.

00;37;53;29 - 00;37;54;29
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;37;55;02 - 00;38;03;00
Speaker 2
And whether that's in a pain way, it's very easy to get sucked into the despair.

00;38;03;03 - 00;38;03;19
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;38;03;22 - 00;38;23;18
Speaker 2
You know the despair of, you know living life without health. What that looks like. How do you manage that when you're only 20 and you can't get out of bed or you can't get out of bed because unless someone else helps you or it's physical or it's emotional, we always have a choice where we're going to put our pain.

00;38;23;23 - 00;38;24;24
Speaker 1


00;38;24;27 - 00;38;31;19
Speaker 2
And if you put your pain on yourself and you put it in your mind and you process it and you think about it all the time, it will consume you.

00;38;31;22 - 00;38;32;01
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;38;32;01 - 00;38;59;16
Speaker 2
And you'll suffer for that. You'll suffer, you end up feeling like your soul was being ripped apart. And God doesn't want that for us. So for me that pain, the physical pain. Yes. It's inevitable I know I'm always going to be in pain where we're living in a world full of pain. But the suffering, the deep hurt that can come along with experiences that can become traumatizing, that's optional.

00;38;59;19 - 00;39;00;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;39;00;14 - 00;39;21;20
Speaker 2
And maybe that's a little bit controversial, but for me, it's not. If I I've really like my faith in what God can do with my future now is so strong, because there was years and years that I didn't think I was going to live. Yeah, and then I did. And you become really grateful. And then you go, oh, God's got this.

00;39;21;20 - 00;39;28;05
Speaker 2
Oh, no, I should just trust him because, you know, he kept me alive in that first surgery. He said he's got my back.

00;39;28;08 - 00;39;28;18
Speaker 1


00;39;28;22 - 00;39;33;07
Speaker 2
I just have to trust that this is the case. And worst case scenario, I die and I'm with it.

00;39;33;09 - 00;39;54;12
Speaker 1
Yeah. Oh no it's real. You don't come from a place of speculation like this is going to experience for you. You know this is your life story is that you have experienced significant brokenness and you're still going, yeah, yeah. And it is the strength of the Lord that flows through you, Amelia, or it's not you is something more than just you.

00;39;54;17 - 00;39;55;05
Speaker 1
You know, it.

00;39;55;08 - 00;39;55;27
Speaker 2
Has to be.

00;39;55;29 - 00;39;56;17
Speaker 1
That was just.

00;39;56;17 - 00;39;57;22
Speaker 2
Me. I would have been gone a long time.

00;39;57;23 - 00;40;02;17
Speaker 1
Oh that's right. Is that a bit of the motivation behind the, ink on the back there? Amelia?

00;40;02;23 - 00;40;03;24
Speaker 2
Yeah, a little bit.

00;40;03;26 - 00;40;11;10
Speaker 1
I'm telling you guys, can't see this, but her whole back's pretty much covered. There's a couple a there's a couple of dogs, a couple animals having a snuggle.

00;40;11;12 - 00;40;23;07
Speaker 2
Yes. And I've got a matching dog and a cat tattoo, which is my best night. And then underneath that which I've had on there for a long time, it's paraphrased, which my dad hates.

00;40;23;09 - 00;40;29;06
Speaker 1
Well, he does it. Scripture, Scripture, paraphrase. What?

00;40;29;08 - 00;40;29;29
Speaker 2
He said when.

00;40;29;29 - 00;40;42;15
Speaker 1
He saw it, he saw it just like that. Like you had the whole Romans eight tattooed on your back. Surely he'd be madder. So what is Romans eight anyway? Continue.

00;40;42;17 - 00;40;51;00
Speaker 2
But it says, for I am convinced that neither past and future can separate me from your love. And that is paraphrased from Romans 838 among.

00;40;51;02 - 00;40;52;08
Speaker 1
Just read it out. Yeah, read the whole thing.

00;40;52;08 - 00;40;53;17
Speaker 2
About if I read just a couple of vessels.

00;40;53;18 - 00;40;54;20
Speaker 1
I love to you too, I love it.

00;40;54;20 - 00;41;14;18
Speaker 2
Awesome. So I'm reading from Romans eight, and I'm gonna just grab a couple of verses out of there, but go and read the whole of Romans eight, okay? Starting at eight, verse 18, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us. For in this hope we were saved.

00;41;14;20 - 00;41;35;19
Speaker 2
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

00;41;35;22 - 00;42;15;07
Speaker 2
And we know that in all things God works for his good, for those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. If God is for us, who can be against us? And then this is my favorite. This and all these things. We are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor future, nor any powers, neither in height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

00;42;15;09 - 00;42;17;05
Speaker 1
Yeah. That's awesome. Hey.

00;42;17;07 - 00;42;20;12
Speaker 2
So yeah, that is a big verse to get tattooed on your back, which is why this phrase.

00;42;20;16 - 00;42;25;00
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's why a perfect. Isn't that such a great promise?

00;42;25;00 - 00;42;49;25
Speaker 2
It is. And that's what it is. It's a it's a strong reminder. And I remember actually one sermon that you did up here at one of the unis, anyway, the point of your message and I can't quite remember what the verses were, but the point of your message was that whatever God has done to provide for us in the past is what we can expect for the future, because he's always good and he's always going to provide for us.

00;42;49;28 - 00;43;09;29
Speaker 2
So your testimony and everything that you've been through in the past has to be a testament for what he can do in the future. Yeah, I look back over my last 15 years with murders and tumors and marriage and psychologists and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. And to be sitting in this place and and God's providing for us.

00;43;10;00 - 00;43;10;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;43;10;25 - 00;43;16;26
Speaker 2
Yeah. Like I didn't basically pretty much didn't work through my whole 20s. Yeah, yeah. I'm sitting in a house that we own.

00;43;16;29 - 00;43;18;01
Speaker 1
Yeah. And it's beautiful.

00;43;18;01 - 00;43;18;29
Speaker 2
And I'm.

00;43;19;01 - 00;43;19;12
Speaker 1
Blessed.

00;43;19;12 - 00;43;40;20
Speaker 2
You God has intensely blessed us. Yeah. So who am I to say he can't do that to the future? Yeah. It's almost disrespectful to think that he's to not have the faith that he's going to go through it. When you do go through these really heavy life experiences, there's very little control in your life. So there has to be a lot of faith.

00;43;40;22 - 00;43;58;09
Speaker 2
Yeah, faith that God's got this. And that's something other I'm really thankful for. Yeah. You know, even this year I've got a lot of new little business things going on. And I'm like, Lord, where do you want me? What should I do? What should I focus on, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I just always get this sense of pace of like, just do today.

00;43;58;12 - 00;44;07;25
Speaker 2
Yeah, I'll go tomorrow, don't worry about it. And I was like, oh, and how much peace is there in that? Yeah. Someone who has an anxious mind.

00;44;07;28 - 00;44;09;02
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;44;09;05 - 00;44;10;02
Speaker 2
So powerful.

00;44;10;05 - 00;44;14;15
Speaker 1
Yeah. And it doesn't mean there won't be pain, but it means you've got a framework to handle it.

00;44;14;18 - 00;44;20;10
Speaker 2
Exactly, exactly. Yeah. So. And now I know that I can face anything.

00;44;20;17 - 00;44;20;28
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;44;21;03 - 00;44;24;02
Speaker 2
You know, and that's a blessing. It's a hard lesson to learn.

00;44;24;05 - 00;44;25;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;44;25;15 - 00;44;31;24
Speaker 2
But the same, you know, in our marriage with Marshall, there's nothing that we can go through that we can't deal with, like.

00;44;31;25 - 00;44;32;22
Speaker 1


00;44;32;25 - 00;44;38;10
Speaker 2
Yeah. It's and you know, he's very comical as well. But something he often says is oh well it's not going to kill you.

00;44;38;10 - 00;44;43;14
Speaker 1
I'll just end. But it's true. Well he's got credit to so. Yeah. Nail that credibility. Yeah.

00;44;43;14 - 00;44;47;03
Speaker 2
Exactly. You know and it's, it's those little things that don't seem to matter anymore.

00;44;47;03 - 00;44;48;10
Speaker 1
Like yeah it's perspective.

00;44;48;10 - 00;44;52;10
Speaker 2
It's perspective. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people don't get that until they're quite a bit older I think.

00;44;52;10 - 00;44;53;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;44;53;24 - 00;44;54;13
Speaker 2
So that's a blessing.

00;44;54;20 - 00;45;12;06
Speaker 1
I love it I love it if you're listening, guys, and you need further help, you need to chat to somebody on our website somewhere. And Salon.com is, get help page. And it's just got a list of all the mental health services and how to get a referral from the GP and who to see and all those sort of things.

00;45;12;06 - 00;45;41;18
Speaker 1
Those things are super important. And as you've heard from Amelia, you know, they they've been a great part of her journey. Over and above all of that is a loving God that cares, as you've just heard. And in a moment, Amelia, I'll get you to pray for all the listeners, but I just want to encourage you. Just read Romans eight like Amelia did, and get connected to God and find out this depth of love that he has for you, because once you've tasted it, you'll never go back.

00;45;41;20 - 00;45;44;24
Speaker 1
Yeah. In all circumstance. Amen. You pray for us.

00;45;44;27 - 00;46;07;11
Speaker 2
Let's do it. Lord, I just want to thank you firstly for Dave and this opportunity to sit and to share my testimony. Lord, I pray that as it hits listeners is that it's not my words that I heard, but are yours, Lord, I pray if anyone is in a really dark, painful situation that they will reach out and get some additional help.

00;46;07;11 - 00;46;31;01
Speaker 2
Lord, you don't want this for us. You do not want to have us sit in pain and suffering. It's not how you designed us, and it's not our ultimate future which is with you, Lord. So I just pray that you will give the people who are struggling just a sense of pace and a sense of comfort that they're not doing this alone.

00;46;31;03 - 00;46;56;16
Speaker 2
Well, there's nothing that we can't do without you. That's been made clear in my life. And I pray that as this podcast continues to go out into the world, that that message will be heard as well. We thank you that we are in a space where we can discuss our mental health, and there is a lot less judgment around.

00;46;56;18 - 00;47;12;22
Speaker 2
And that those barriers and walls are being torn down because there's nothing wrong with being open and vulnerable. That's how you created us. I want to thank you for your provision over my life. I'm very thankful for scribe.

00;47;12;25 - 00;47;15;17
Speaker 1
Amen. Yeah.

00;47;15;19 - 00;47;20;14
Speaker 2
Amen. Amen. Thank you.

00;47;20;17 - 00;49;05;18
Speaker 1
For more candid conversations on faith and mental well-being. Check out some benzos.com. You can subscribe to our podcast on any major provider or contact us directly to book us to preach or speak. Somebody at souls is a faith based ministry, and we want to thank everybody so far for their generous support.

00;49;05;20 - 00;49;20;15
Speaker 1
If you want to get behind us. Pray. Our message reaches the ears of those that need to hear it. Feel free to donate financially online. But if you feel obliged or manipulated to give you better off sharing a loved one a coffee instead. I'm Dave Clark from Sunburned Souls.