The Return of Bennifer

is returning to its warmer glory. I disagree. I'm so pessimistic about the world right now with this delta variant because, as everybody knows, we've been promoting, we're supposed to be in Napa for Ben and Jess's engagement party. We had I don't know how many people, like eight ten people go,

and we were going to record podcasts there. Now Ashley and I weren't going to go because Ashley has been really sick, but we're still everybody was gonna go, and then that got canceled, which means the meat and greet, the Help I Suck At Dating Summer sucks. Summer is that what we called it? Anyway, that got canceled too, which sucks because obviously we're not gonna be together, so we can't really do HI meet and great. Hopefully we're gonna be able to reschedule that. But Dean, you're still

going to NAPA. Are you doing like a little couples getaway or something with Calin? Yeah, Caitlin and I missed our flight this morning, probably most sleep because of me. I thought that it left it. I thought that it boarded and left. But it turns out, see what happened. It turns out it left at eight thirty, and so he showed up at eight and we had Pappy had to check in. We're gonna park at the airport. The parking lots are all under construction. So anyways, I've never

met a person who has missed more flights in their life. Like, I get so much anxiety about missing a flight. I'm mostly at the airport two hours beforehand. I don't get how you don't like if I have a flight at six am, I can't sleep because I have too much anxiety about missing the flight, my my alarm not going off, sleeping through my alarm. I cannot sleep well if I have an early flight. The other time I missed a flight my wedding. Yeah, Okay, I knew that just you're

gonna say that one. That one. I can't remember exactly why, but there was a good reason for that one. I'm sure there's a great reason anyway. So what are you guys doing a Napa now that nobody's going? You two are just gonna have a nice little couple's weekend. Well that's the thing is like Nick texted me and said, hey, U s Napa got canceled, but should we still go because we already have our flights booked in the hotel booked.

And then Tana texted us and said, hey, we're still gonna go to Napa if you guys want to come still, And then so there's gonna be like, actually, quite a few people were all staying at the Meritage, which is like a sweet little hotel up in nap but it's got these nine on site wine tasting rooms and micro brewery and artisanal five tunk grocery store and wine and foods and all that kind of stuff. So Meritage is signature restaurant. Olive and Hay is Napa Valley's new Italian

restaurant from Farm Fresh Fair. Here guests experienced local Napa Valley sourced ingredients on a journey from the farm to table, fusing homemade and homegrown, modern and classic, innovative in traditional Italian cuisine. Positioned at the gateway of Napa Valley, the Marriage Resort and Spa welcomes guests to an idyllic resort set against rolling hills and its own private vineyards. Um. Yeah, it's really nice up there, and we had it booked already, so you might as well just go in and uh

enjoy it. I don't know why I got canceled. I'm assuming it has something to do with the delta variant. Maybe I heart just doesn't want like a bunch of people getting together right now with numbers going up, specifically in California. I don't know, but it kind of actually worked out for Ash and I because we weren't gonna

go anyway, so we kind of felt bad. Polus, like you said, it was a good group of people going and apparently still going, so we were you know, we're gonna have a little bit follow I guess we still have PHONEO because you guys can be posting pictures having fun. Yeah, I mean mean Nick and Tanya are I guess still gonna go, but I texted Bend last night too, and I was like, Ben, we're still gonna go to NAPA. You should come, And he was like, I didn't even

realize that was an option. So I don't know. I don't know if he's gonna come as well, but it'd be great to see him there. I'm just bummed her and play Chardon a golf club, and I had heard such good things about it now because we're gonna have to reschedule and and play again. There sometimes comes out right, obviously, Delta Eco, what are the variant, the UK variant, They're all coming. It's all, it's all, it's all good things.

Ah joking obviously. Anyway, we do have a very good podcast, not maybe not a great one, a very good one because we're not an Apple that would have made a great but we're still gonna have a pretty good podcast. We have some hot topics to get to. Whenever I hear hot topics, all I think about is hot pocket. You know how we have like our little jingle for the emails, like we just got an email. I think we need to like make it a little jingle for

the hot topics. Who is the hot topics? Hot topics? Well, the first one, of course, is my favorite because it's all over the news. It's the reigniting love of benefit. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck guess what. Guess what bro their Instagram official they posted on Instagram together They were in a boat. They even recreated the scene from Jenny from the Block music video. Do you have any idea

what I'm talking about? Nope? All right, you remember the Jenny from the Block of music video where it's like, I'm still I'm still Jenny from the Block. You don't remember this music video. I've never seen it. I think we have different rundowns because I don't see anything about this, which is great because I'm just gonna surrender all control that you navigate this entire episode. Well, we have two emails, so it might be the email prior because we have

two rundowns. Anyway, let me let me continue with this this one right here. So j Lo on her fifty second birthday, posted on her Instagram fifty two What it do to mark the occasion? Obviously. She also uploaded an Instagram slide show, as we all do, of photos of like, you know, the birthday girl. She was on a yeah looking as fabulous as Jaylo has ever looked, which is

pretty impressive, dude, she's fifty two. I first of all, I love Jlo, like individually, I love Jennifer Lopez an individually, I love Ben Affleck because Jlo is the most like badass woman to ever walk up this earth, and the fact that her and Ben Affleck are together just fills my heart with such joy because she's just like so badass, so sexy, so hot. She's like the most powerful person, you know what I mean. She's she's she's a businesswoman,

she's a singer, she's an actress, she's an entrepreneur. Like she's just awesome. And then Ben Affleck has had this roller coaster of a ride throughout his entire career, where like he was young and catapulted to fame with Matt Damon with Goodwill Hunting, and then he kind of went on this like little bit of like a big blockbuster roller coaster. We had Armageddon, which was a huge hit, but it didn't like Pearl Harbor, which was not that good.

He won like a ton of Razzy awards for because nobody thought he was a good actor, and then he kind of like dipped out for a little while, and then he came back and started directing, and he directed Gone Baby, Gone in the Town and Argo and One Best Director, and it was like, holy crap, Ben Affleck is back. And then he became Batman and that was like a split, you know, fifty fifty. Some people loved him,

some people hated him. And then him and Jennifer Garner got divorced, and then he went through this alcoholism in front of everybody, and everybody could see like the decline of Ben Affleck, which was so sad. And now here he is back with Jennifer Lopez, and I just love the fact that the like he's just like this rugged bearded Boston guy, you know, who drinks Dunkin Donuts and roots for the Red Sox, and he's with Jennifer Lopez,

arguably the most badass woman in the history of civilization. Anyway, that's my rent. I freaking love it, man. So anyway, long story short, they were on a yacht. Yeah it's a yach it's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Of course they're on a yacht while Dean and I are in dinghies,

you know. But anyway, in the music video, all those years ago, as ago, whatever it was for Jenny on the Block was when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were together and there was a scene where like he there on a yacht and he like slaps her button, like kind of pulls her G string a little bit. Or is it is that a G string? What's on the side like you know that it's just a string? I guess on the side of being suit I don't know, Jared,

what exactly is a G string? Jared, What's It's so funny you said long story short after just going off on a tangent for a good seven and a half minutes. I'm just trying to, you know, just bringing the content, that's all. I I just want to make sure you understand the purpose of saying long story short, because you're taking something that takes a long time to describe and you're shortening it to spare having to go into this

great detailed thing. You were talking about j Lo and Ben Affleck on a boat, and you felt like you had to give all of us a brief history of Ben afflecks acting career to better understand the Ben Affleck and j l on a boat picture. So yeah, that's the beauty. You can't say long story short when you go into like the discography of the actor, just so we better understand the picture that they are now Instagram officials with. I just want to make sure that's what,

that's clear. I just want to understandable. Okay, totally understandable. I go way off topic usually I'm out of context. But the point of this story is the fact that I love them together. I forget where I was going with this. Oh anyway, they just recreated a scene from Jenny in the Block, which they definitely did intentionally, which drove a lot of fans through a frenzy, including myself, because I just love it. I love the fact that together, it makes me feel like it's two thousand three again

and all is right in the world. Their Instagram official I am so Team benefit. All I want in this world is for the Red Sox to make the World Series. And Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are at a World Series game in Fenway Park, and Jennifer Lopez is all decked out in Boston Red Sox gear and just like pretty much looks in the camera and says in lips Alex Rodriguez and then just throws the middle finger up. That's all I want in this world, because, oh my god,

that'd be so good. Anyway, do you believe in second chances? In love? Jared? If you could go back to anyway, big gulps. Huh. If you could go back to two thousand three with the same knowledge that you have now, and then you'd be but you'd also be fourteen years old? Would you do it? Yeah, wouldn't you? I mean, yeah, I understand would, but I'm not the one that's married with a kid on the way. I know, but I would just make sure that everything was still in line

with Ashley and my future child. But I would also just be betting, you know, making tons of sports bets like may come back to the future too and be filthy rich and own multiple casinos because that's what he did. And then I'd be just the same person I am today, except have ten times as much my Who am I kidding? A thousand times more money? Yeah, that's the right answer, don at Obviously I think I was buy a bunch of bitcoin like two thousand eight or something, you know.

Oh uh, do you have any thoughts about benefit? You know, benefit? Jennifer Lopez Ben affleck, I feel like, you know, I appreciate asking me that. Yeah, I actually do have quite a few thoughts about it. Let's start from the beginning. Let's start from Jennifer Lopez's birth the year nineteen fifty nine, No, nineteen sixty nine. Jail was born in nineteen sixty nine. That's a fun fact for the listeners out there. That's the same year we landed on the moon. So anyways, yeah,

back to the year we land on the moon. J Loo World. She that's a good one. She you know, she was she was an ambitious young child at the time. Her parents, you know, they were constantly having to put her in time out for acting up. But most creative minds are like that these days. So, you know, j Loo, she just always was singing and dancing ever since she was in an elementary school, middle school, really active in the theater. And then she finally got to bring big

break as a sixteen year old on Broadway. She uh, you know, she started singing and she got discovered by uh the the who's the big guy back then? Uh Mark Mark Spaulding was the guy that discovered her. And uh so she, you know, she went on to make such great hits such as, uh, Jenny from the Block for one, Um, what else? Uh, I'm trying to do the same thing on the top of your head. I don't believe any of this trying to flip it for j Loo since all we got was that Ben Affleck. Uh,

you know story I'm trying to. I'm trying to create something for Jlo here. I don't really have as just well, Jlo has been so successful, you know what I mean. The interesting part of Ben Affleck for me is his the rollercoaster of a life and career that he's had. Plus he's a Boston guy, so he's local, you know, and he roots with Tom Brady, so I can relate. Jennifer Lopez is just like the She's I mean, the closest thing to She's not perfect, obviously we talked about

this podcast. There's no such thing as perfect, but damn, Jennifer Lopez closed. I used to have a calendar Lopez that was like my first woman's calendar. You know who's bigger, j Lo or Shakira? Oh, j Lo Shaquira. You think Shakira is not even the same ballpark. Oh, I don't, not even the same town, same state. I think Jennifer

Lopez is massive. Yeah, I don't disagree with that. I will say, Uh, one of the few music videos I've ever had like maybe like a physical reaction to, like a positive physical reaction to, was She Wolf by Shakira. So maybe that's why I was thinking that. Okay, Uh, same same question. I'm sorry. Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. Wow, Now that's a good question. See if you would have asked me four or five years ago, I probably would have said Beyonce. But I feel like Jlo has had

this renaissance. Ah man, that is tough. I mean, Beyonce is also inarguably the most powerful couple there is in the world. Jay Z has been affleck though questionable. Yeah, but Jay's I mean, I love my boy Ben, but I mean, let's be real. Jay Z's jay Z. You know what I mean. He's the Michael Jordan of music. Um, alright, Beyonce, I'm going Beyonce, baby. I will see if we're using solely, if we're using Instagram followers as a metric, Beyonce has j Lo beat a hundred sixty seven for j Lo,

hundred nineties six million for Beyonce. So it's close will probably who has the most Instagram followers. I think it's christ Giano Ronaldo. It's not Selena Gomez. I thought, what I know, that's so random, but I think Selena Gomez might have the most Instagram followers In the one which is crazy, I'm pretty sure it's Christiano Ronaldo or it might be messy. Yeah, Christian has got more than Selena Ronaldo. How you looking at dude? Ronaldo is three hundred and

twenty million followers. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean he'll probably the first person with a billion followers on Instagram, which is on the sane. I don't think that will ever happen, but maybe, Well, dude, like TikTok, like I wish, I like, I want to be the biggest. Oh Addison Ray. Like Addison Ray on TikTok. Holy she has? She has eighty two million followers on TikTok. Do you know how many likes she has? Though? Take a guess, how many likes

do you think Addison Ray has on TikTok. If I had to guess, purely off the top of my head, how many followers does she have? Eighty two million? Eighty two million followers? I'm going to guess that she's got somewhere around five five to five and a half billion likes. Wow, nicely done. Five point three billion likes. That was close, dude, you were like spot on billion. Think about that she

has five billion likes. She almost insane. She almost gave everyone in the world a cell phone and download a TikTok for them and made every person in the world like one of her videos. Nearly We're not quite there, but close was she? Uh? Was she big before COVID. I think she's like a Disney guy, Disney star or something. I remember. I remember seeing something about her being like a child star sorts, but I don't know. Like Jake paul Um before he started boxing, which I'm actually glad

he started boxing. I'm kind of the minority on that one. I'm actually he interests me. He's a good villain, you know what I mean. He's fun to root against. I like it. Anyway. Last hot topic before we go into our break Tyler Cameron or Buddy Tyler Cameron. He just released a book called You Deserve Better, appropriately titled uh. He talks about his proposal speech for Hannah Brown. He

talks about um. What else does he talk about he talks about their breakup, he talks about Gigi hadd uh, he talks about Hannah Brown and their friendship after the Bachelor. So I guess this goes to an age old question, my friend, Dean, do we feel still think that we can be really close friends with our X Because again I'm doubling down. I'm gonna say that's a negative. I don't think you can be friends with the next I'm sticking by it. I'm gonna this is the hell I'm

gonna die on. I think it's funny that we have a pud has called help I Suck at dating and he just put out a book called You Deserve Better. Yeah, we should have him on. Isn't that kind of funny? Like? Um, Also, I didn't. I like, if you're gonna write a book, it's more or less like an autobiographical book about probably like the last couple of years of his life. Sure, how are you just gonna go ahead and throw your

relationship with Gigi Hadid in there? Like if I was Gigi Heidid and a guy that I did it for a little bit went out and wrote a book and started like talking about the relationship that we were in for a while, I would belive it, don't you think. Yeah. I mean I haven't read the books, so I guess it depends on how much detail he really goes into. Um, I'm sure he probably told her. Like he seems like

a pretty respectful guy. I can't imagine he would have written about Gigi Hadid or Hannah or anybody else in this book without giving them the heads up of, Hey, this is what I'm writing, this is what's gonna be about. Out wanted to give you the heads up because I know that was like a sticking thing with Kalin, right with Colton were like he wrote his book and you know he wrote, you know, he talked about Klin and there he talked about you know, his top four, his

time on the Bachelor. Uh, oh my god. Who Cassie Um? And like he didn't ask Klin for permission to write about her? Did he know? He didn't he? I don't think he asked any of them for permission, even consider even Cassie. Um. You're probably right. I would hope that he would have that that that respect to at least mentioned something to her. I don't know. I just think it's weird. Like, let's say, for instance, let's say one of like let's say kl like lo, it's just different

for you. Let's say like Christina wrote a book right, and and then she's like gout a couple of chapters devoted to like talking about me, good or bad. Whether it's in a good light or in a bad light, I would still gonna be bad. I agree, I think. I agree. I think it would be most be bad, but I don't think it's rightfully so, because I think from everything I know there were some glimmers of good

things in there. I guess my point is all that, to say, long story short, if you will, UM, I would still be like not super stoked about it, Like I don't want to be written about in a book from another person's perspective, and I don't think I would ever want to do that to anyone else either. Anyways, That's just where I'm coming from. So hopefully he said something to both Hannah and to g G and to whoever else is mentioned in the book. Now, do I

think that you can be friends the next Um? I think that ever since talking to you about it a little bit more, I have kind of come around the other side of it, and I agree that being friends with an ex is mostly gonna lead to negative things. Um,

So I don't think it's a great idea. I will say, I feel like their situation is a little unique though, where it's like they like, I don't know, like their interactions on social media, they seem like they're actually friends, and it's like, I don't know if there's really any like, uh, they're not like harboring any more feelings anymore as as far I mean again from just to completely um under informed opinion that only knows them through social media. But

that's just my take on it. So maybe like he has got a boyfriend now Tyler I think as a girlfriend now. In that case, it's like why not? Why can't they be friends? Yeah, But it's also weird being in the spot because you know, people go to and be like, oh, I wish you ended up with Tyler, or they go up to Tyler and be like, oh, you were so perfect for Hannah. She should have picked you. And it's like his new girlfriend sitting next to him

like Okay, thanks, that's great, nice meeting you. It's always so weird when people say that, especially in public. But anyway, I digress. So we're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we have a couple more hot topics. We have emails, and I also I have an article about toxic relationships that I want to talk to Dean about, uh and figure out what is toxic and what is not. But before that, Dean's gonna stick up his legs. He looks like he's naked right now. Dude, your feet are filthy. Bro,

you need somewhere some socks. All that's disgusting. I wanna throw if he's showing his feet to the camera, this is this is horrible right now. All right, we're gonna take a break. It definitely looks like you're penis. All right, everyone, welcome back to help I suck at dating. Thank you for sticking with us through that long, long break. What are we gonna talk about this segment here? Jared, you got the run down in front of mine appears to

be just non existent. So what do you got for us? Well, there was something that I kind of looked up by this author named Mark Manson. So Mark Manson is a guy, UH that wrote a couple of books. One is called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a f The other one is Everything is ft a book about hope. Uh. And he's a pretty interesting cell health author. He's a blogger. H He's a pretty interesting guy. And he wrote an art call on his website called six Signs that you

are in a Toxic relationship. So I kind of wanted to go through each sign and see if you agree whether this is a toxic part of being in a relationship. So before we do that, you know, let's define, according to Mark, what is a toxic relationship. So he says that a toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love over the three core components of a healthy relationship. And those three core components our respect, trust,

and affection. He said, might sound crazy, but not. But some people just stay in a relationship because they just want to be in love, even if they're not in love with the person they are with. So he goes through six signs of a toxic relationship that you may think are normal. The first one something called the relationship scorecard. Now apparently the keeping score phenomenon is when someone you're

dating continues to blame you for past mistakes. If both people in the relationship do this, it devolves into what he calls the relationships scorecard, where the relationship devolves into a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who is most indebted to one another. He says, why is this toxic? Well, the relationship scores card is a double whammy of suckage.

Not only are you deflecting the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs, but you're getting up guilt and bitterness from the past manipulate your partner into feeling bad in the present. I mean that sounds pretty toxic to me. Have you ever dealt with a situation like that? Uh? Yeah, I would say I'm probably still guilty of that to some extent today. I think we all are, whether we realize it or not. Yeah, I agree, Like I think

we all do. We we have like pity parties for ourselves and it's like, no, you're more indebted to me than I am to you because of X, Y and Z. And it's so weird. It is like this weird um combativeness.

Like I know friends that they actually kind of fight about who works harder, you know, And that's like it's like a competition between the two of them of who's like a harder worker, not necessarily who brings in more money, but just like who works harder, you know, and they use that against them and fights and it's really not the best. Um, you know that it's it's pretty toxic.

It's just say blocking that sounds pretty toxic. Well, for instance, like yesterday I got Kalen, I bought Kalen and I breakfast in lunch, so that I made Calin buy me dinner. Does that toxic? M m? It seems fair not toxic. Um, I think that's fair. Okay, Yeah, you're like, I think it's fair. If you said, oh, I always pay for everything and made her feel guilty about it, then I think that would be toxic. But of course if you're like, hey, listen, I paid for lunch and breakfast, like come on, I

will say that I think it's fair. I think the toxic component comes in knowing that I knew that dinner was going to be like slightly more expensive than both breakfasts and lunch combined, so I was like, I'm gonna come out on top out of this exchange. I might be having a change of heart. That might be a little toxic. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't shared that last little bit, but yeah, I like it all right. Number two of the six signs that you're in a toxic relationship dropping

hints and other passive aggressive notions. So what does this mean? Instead of saying something outright and out loud, a partner tries to nudge the other in the right direction of figuring it out. Instead of saying what's actually upsetting you. You find small and petty ways to piss your partner off, so you'll then feel justified in complaining to them. So this is toxic because it shows that you two are

not comfortable community kating openly and clearly. A person has no reason to be passive aggressive if they feel safe expressing anger or insecurity within a relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop quote hints if they feel like they won't be judged or criticized for honesty. Mm hmmm, how do you feel about that one? I mean, I agree that it's so hard because if you're a

truthful in all situations, that could really backfire as well. So, like, there are things that like hints that you could drop that I don't necessarily think are toxic or passive aggressive.

I think you're just trying to you know, tell your partner without telling them out right, like hey, I don't like this, or I do like this, Like for example, I know this might be not a good a good one, but like say your partners smokes, and like you know, they've smoked for a while, and you're like, well, I don't want to tell them that, like they can't smoke, but at the same time, I don't want them to smoke, so maybe they can pass hints of like, oh wow,

it smells terrible in here, or you know, uh, like I don't know how to outsoe you drop hints of like getting someone to quit smoking, But I don't know. I guess I can see where Mark is what Mark is talking about here in terms of like you should just feel comfortable talking to your partner outwardly and honestly. But I also in some one of the mindset that like honestly all the time, I don't think it's the

best medicine. Yeah, I agree. Uh, it's funny because you've read the last two and I'm like, well, crab, like I those kind of applied to certain aspects of my relationship too. Uh yeah, I mean, so I read this book. I read this book a while ago, a long long time ago. I haven't read a book in a long time, but I did read one once. It was called the Psychopath Test, and it was, like I probably talked about

it on here before. It's like a twenty twenty pronged the litmus test that you can administer to like determine whether someone's a psychopath or not if they hit like a twelve out of twenty of the psychopath and you read all twenty of them, all twenty of the of the criteria, and you're like, well, at least I was like, and I would concider. I would probably say you'd probably the same thing. Most of us that read it would be like, fifteen out of twenty of these things apply

to me, like I am a full blown psychopath. And then at the very end, after he gives all twenty, he goes and by the way, if you're deciding whether or not any of these apply to you, you're not a psychopath because the psychopath doesn't have the capacity to like criticize themselves appropriately. M Night Shamalan to you and

just twist at the end. Right, So now I'm thinking, like this Tom guy is doing the same thing, Like he's saying like, the real toxic behavior comes from seeing these toxic traits and immediately be like, no, I don't have those that's not me. I don't have that toxic trait, because I think that really is what that differentiates someone that's horribly toxic and someone that maybe just has a little bit of like, you know, nuance to their relationship. Yeah,

I agree with you. I think it's actually probably healthy for you, for you and for me to both admit that some of these toxic traits are prevalent in our relationships, all right. Number three Holding the relationship hostage? So what is this? When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment

of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you've been cold to them, instead of saying I feel like you're being cold, sometimes they will instead say I can't date someone who is cold to me all the time. This way, they're holding the relationship hostage, and this amounts to emotional blackmail and creates a ton of unnecessary drama. Even the smallest hiccup in the flow

of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It's crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely without it threatening the entire future of the relationship. I mean, I couldn't agree with this more. I can't stand when people threaten you know, Um, it's like a kid threatening to kill themselves, you know what I mean. It's personal and

nothing you should joke about. But too Like, I mean, how many times have you heard like an eight rolled like if you don't do this, I'm gonna kill myself and it's like or I'm gonna hold my breath till I die. And it's like that's what you sound like a toddler, you know, And anytime I hear an adult relationship and like, you know, if you do this, like I'm breaking up with you. If you do this, I'm divorcing you. And it's like, well, I'm doing it, then

I'm calling your bluff. Yeah, it's nice to have one for That's the first one where I'm like, that's never happened in mind Calin's relationship either way, which is great, and I would probably bet it's never happened in your Ashy's relationship. But I've been in relationships where that has been a thing. I probably even said it a few

times myself. Yeah, it's so bad. What a ridiculous thing to do like that's that's I feel like something you would do, like in your late teens early twenties, you know, like when you're just led by emotion at all times and you can't really think rationally all right. Number four blaming your partner for your own emotions. Let's say you're having a crappy day and your partner isn't exactly being

super sympathetic or supportive about it. Maybe they've been on the phone all day with some people from work, or they got distracted when you hug them. You want to lie around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but your partner has plans to go out and see friends. As your frustration with your day and your partner's reaction to it increases, you find yourself lashing out for being

so insensitive and callous towards you. Sure you never asked for emotional support, You're but sure you never asked for emotional support. But your partners should just instinctually know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditch their plans based on your lousy day.

Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish. In a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries, when you said a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times, this can easily lead to a codependent relationship. Everything, even down to reading a book or watching television, must be negotiated. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because now you have to make each other feel better.

Uh yeah, I agree. Like I feel like way too many people predicate their happiness on their significant other, or if you're single, you put so much emphasis on your own happiness being predicated by finding love, which is something that I think people need to start moving away from because the only way you're ever gonna be happy is if you're happy with yourself. And as cliche is that sounds,

it's so true. Um that I agree. If you're in a relationship, you can't just immediately assume that your partner knows your thoughts and knows how you feel, like you have to articulate those things. Like I I learned a lot from my dad because my dad is the most wonderful man I've ever met, But he also has a very difficult time being vulnerable and actually saying how he feels. So when he's like I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine,

it's like, I know you're not fine. Just say how you feel, because then he gets agitated when we're not sympathetic towards him if he's had a really bad day and it's like the dad like, we can't read your thoughts. And he's gotten so much better with it, you know,

throughout age. But I think, you know, because it's like such a guy thing, right, You're not supposed to talk about your feelings, and we're starting to move away from that, which is great, but I like a lot of people do this, and we just you know, people need to just take responsibility for their own happiness. Yeah, I agree. I think, uh, I think a lot of people that aren't happy when they're single, imagine getting into a relationship

and everything being cured immediately. And then they get into that relationship and thanks don't go as they planned it too, and so that's why they're unhappy again. And then they get out that relationship and they just do that over and over again, because like you said, not happy with yourself, you're not gonna be happy in the relationship. Um, so that's fair. There is a yeah, there's there. There have been some moments where like I'll be upset about something.

I always try to pull it back onto me, So, oh, totally, there's a there's a couple of moments where like, let's say, like some exterior thing has me really upset, and I'll come back and I'll be like distant or cold or something and Caalen two sometimes, but we've always done a really good job of being like this is misdirected anger or the frustration or Kalen's up. Mostly the time she get snappy is when she's hungry, so she's like, I'm sorry, I'm just really hungry. Now let's go get food, and

then she gets angry everything dude, hanger. I never realized how much of a thing it was until I started dating Klin. It's like, this is the most ridiculous not ridiculous, because it's very it's very real. She is hypoglycemic, so I'm not saying that's ridiculous, but it is funny to see how quickly her personality can shift once she's eaten, because then she loses the you know, the sass and

just kind of calms back down. Yeah, food selves, everything. Yeah, especially with a pregnant wife, I can imagine she needs she has a regiment every two hours, she needs he and not only will she get angry if she's not, but she's just she will throw up, which is not good. All right, last two, Uh, so we'll get them pretty quickly.

Number five displays of quote loving jealousy. Getting piste off when your partner talks, touches, calls, text, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person, and then proceeding to take that anger out on your partner and

attempt to control their behavior. That's what this loving jealousy is all about, and can often leave to uh and can often lead to insane behaviors, such as hacking into your partner's email account, looking through their text messages while they're in the shower, or even following them around town and showing up unannounced. Hashtag creepy. He says, it's surprising me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection that if their partner isn't jealous, that

somehow this means that they don't love them enough. He says, this is absolute for Verbatim, clown shit crazy. Rather than being love enough, it's actually just controlling and manipulative, and by transmitting a message of a lack of trust and the other person who creates unnecessary drama and disc discord.

Worst of all, it's the meaning if my partner cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it applies that she believes that I'm either a liar or be incapable of controlling my impulses in either caith. In either case, that's a woman I do not want to be with. M Interesting, that's fair. I I used to be jealous in relationships, and I always think that the reason I ever was jealous was because I was kind of being a shady boyfriend, right, like okay, fair point.

Like I was like I would flirt with other girls and then so I thought that my girlfriend would be doing the same thing. And it's always, in my opinion, jealousy is always like a reflection of how you see yourself in a relationship. So maybe that's why I was super jealous. Like now with Kaylin, I don't get jealous because I mean, I mean a, A, I trust her obviously, and B I don't think that either of us are doing anything shady white. I would hope not, at least

behind each other's back. Um, it's funny. I got a d M. Yeah, you know, you obviously get many random d m s throughout the day. This person d M me the other day after Miami, or after Kaylin got back from Miami, and she was like, some guy was super into Kaylin the entire trip while they were in Miami, and then even Kaylin got back and she goes, yeah, this guy of like shooting me, looks like he was like really into me, and she kept making it very

clear that she was taken blah blah blah. And I feel like the old me would have been like kind of really put off by it, and I'm kind of upset. But now I just like laugh at it because it's like, well, I mean, it's not like it's really gonna lead to anything, you know. Yeah, just means you trust Kalin. That's great. So were you jealous at all where you're like, hey, now I want to find that guy and punch him in the face. No, I mean I know the guy, he's a he's a guy that has been on TV before. Yeah,

but no, I don't feel whatsoever scandalous. What television show was he on? Well, that's just the debt giveaway if I say that. But what about you? Are you? Oh? Now, I'm very invested in this story. I'm gonna ask you after the podcast who this human being was. I kept shooting Calin looks because if he's especially if he's in the reality TV world, he knows that Kalin and you were together, so he's being a shady character. Let's just say he was on a TV show where the expectation

is to be a sline ball. Okay, interesting, Okay, good to know. Anyway, I get jealous a little bit. Ashley actually likes when I get jealous. But again, I'd like to think it's a healthy amount of jealousy. Uh. It's always just like any time a guy, you know, especially when we first started dating, guys would still flirt with

Ashley and it's like f off bro um. So I'm certainly not as jealous anymore, because you know, as more time comes on and goes on with the relationship, you just get more and more not even just trustworthy, but comfortable, and it's like you're you're not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna do anything like, We're fine, all right? Last one, last one, last toxic trait that some people find uh normal.

Number six buying the solutions to relationship problems interesting. So whenever a major conflict or issue comes up in a relationship, instead of solving it, you cover it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere interesting. My parents were experts at this one, and it got uh, and it got them real far, a big fat divorce in fifteen

years of hardly speaking to each other. Wow. Uh. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage, continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures. This is toxic. Not only does buying stuff brush the problem under the rug where it always re emerges it even worse than next time, but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender specific problem, but I will use the

quote traditional gendered situation as an example. Let's imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend or husband, the man solves the issue by buying a woman a gift or taking her to a fancy restaurant. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man because he buys her stuff, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship.

What's the result of all of this, a checked out husband who feels like an a t M and an increasingly bitter woman who feels unheard. What do you think, Um, Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm surprised, well, and I'm not surprised. I think there's multiple levels to that. I think a lot of couples. Some of my really good friends actually

kind of do this sometimes too. Is instead of like they'll fight and they won't fix anything or do anything differently, but they'll just like go have like really passionate fighting sex essentially, and the next day everything is totally fine.

And I think that's like the same thing, right, yeah, exactly, And it's just like okay, well, it's like you're basically using sex as a tool to not have to talk about your issues and then like, what's going to happen in the year five years in years when these things continue to fester, you know. In this guy's case, it says it led his parents to getting divorced and never talking to each other anymore. So I think there's definitely like a lot of different ways that you could you

could do this, um, but I try. I don't know. Yeah, obviously it's not a good thing. What do you think? Yeah, I agree. I think it just covers it up, you know, And people do this in in all different types of

way in relationships. I was just talking to a friend of mine who's going through a breakup, and she was telling me all these different issues that they had together, and it was all like very surface level things with like oh this one time and he was supposed to get that, didn't get it, and then he was like we got into a huge fight over and blah blah blah. And she was telling me multiple occasions where this happened, and I kept thinking, like, I don't think it's about that.

I don't think it's about him getting you something or not getting you something, or said he would be there

and he wasn't there. I think what really comes down to is that you guys have some really underlying issues and you're and and and like, so like the littlest things are triggering you because you guys really need to start talking about some more um you know, uh, deep issues within the relationship rather than the surface level things of like oh, he's always late, or he said he was gonna buy this and then he came home and didn't get it, and I was like, I told you

to get that, and he was like, oh, I thought that you said I shouldn't get it, and then it turns into this huge fight. And so I think conversely, it's very similar here where you know, it's you know, it's it's an easy way. You know, you have an issue in a relationship, and then the guy's like, oh, I bought you flowers and everything is fixed, and she's like, oh, okay,

you know. And then the same issue though, keeps happening over and over and over again, and he just keeps buying you flowers over and over and over again without actually solving the issue. And I totally agree. I think you have to get at the core of it. And like a lot of times Ashley will do that to me.

I was gonna say, let's say you actually are in a fight, what's your what's your conflict resolution style well similarly is especially early on in the relationship, Like you know, I'd be like you know a lot of guys that I know, which is like I'm fine, I'm fine, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. And Ashley would really pry, rightfully so and be like, listen, I know something's wrong. Tell me

what's wrong. Let's get at the core of this. And she's Ashley is such a good communicator, mainly because she's just the most transparent person I've ever met, as you well know, like that Ashley just like whatever's on her mind, she's gonna say it, you know, and it's her it's her best trait. Um So, she was really good at it. And now because of those times where she was prying and saying what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong, I'd rather tell me. I'd rather have you tell me what's wrong

than to keep it inside. Um So, now we have a really good, healthy communication style where I'm able to say, like, listen, this is what's bothering me, and she she's had no issues ever telling me what's bothering her. She will always tell me when I'm screwing up, and I think that's very healthy. Um, what about the flip side of that, What do you mean if like something's bothering me? Yeah, oh dude, Like I said, like, I'll still I'll say it.

I'll try to present I'll present it in the nicest way possible, so I don't angry, you know, I don't anger the beast um because it's so funny because you know, we're human beings and we're insecure and we're emotional. So like, even though a lot of times actually be like tell me what's wrong, tell me what's wrong, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna tell you. And then I tell her and she's like and then she'll start crying and she's like,

this like an issue in our relationship. I'm like, no, it's not a huge issue, but you wanted me to talk about it, and like you're fine, We're fine, It's gonna be okay. So it's like there's a part of me that's in my brain like should I have said anything. I think it's healthier that I did. But at the same time, now she's super upset and I feel like a piece of ship, and so it's it's it's a balance,

like we were talking about earlier in the podcast. I think you need that balance of honesty with also with also compassion. I agree, really great stuff. Thanks for thanks for bringing that onto the podcast. Day. I will say to that book, don't the subtle art I'm not giving uh f is it's funny. It's a popular book. A lot of people read it and uh maybe they always just instagram story that they're reading it. It's a good book. It's like you can read it in like less than

a day, probably worth your time. It's interesting enough to at least just give it a read to check it out to you if you're interested in hearing more from Tom what's his last name, Oh no, Mark Mark Manson? Mark Manson, that's right, So if you wanna listen or read more from him, go check that book out. Anyways, we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get to some emails. I've got a flight to catch in about twenty minutes, so we're gonna be quick with it, hopefully

at least the second flight of the day. That's exactly right. Let's make sure that doesn't happen. We're gonna take one very quick break, but we'll be right back. Welcome back to the quickest email segment of help. I suck at dating history? Well probably not, but we'll see what we can do. We've got a couple of emails for you today. We've got no Mark, no Easton, but we've got something even better. We got a Riley and a Hana waiting in the wings to read these emails for us, if

they're up for it. If not, Jared and I know how to read, I think, but nope, Riley is going to tune in. Sweet. All right, let's get to the first man. What do we got? It's our lucky day, baby. We have the wonderful Isabella writing into us. And Isabella says, one of my best friends is hooking up with the guy that I'm in love with. Earlier this week, she showed me their text messages and asked me for advice

about something. I gave her advice and acted like it didn't bother me, But it was eating me up inside and I feel like I'm going to explode. Please help? What do I do? Do I tell her how I feel? Or just stay quiet? This is straight out of a wrong com right here. The best friend is secretly in love with her best friend's boyfriend. Uh, I don't know, there's a lot of fish in the sea. I'd move on. Yeah, I also would just move on. If it's meant to be,

it'll be. Don't force anything, don't ruin your friendship over it. Just be the supportive friend. Let it run. Let it runs. Course they're gonna break up and then I guess maybe shoot your shot. I don't know. It's kind of seems like more of like a girl advice thing. I feel like Riley and Hanna are probably better suited to give some advice on this one. That's that's kind of heartbreaking. I mean to hold that inside, I'd see why she's

going to explode, and that's hard to let go. And I want to know if did she like him first, because that kind of like that friend's kind of terrible. I don't disagree that. I don't disagree with that. But also it's like whether she likes him first or not, the fact of the matter is the friend is with her at this point, so it's like, what does she gotta do? Now that's true, you know, yeah, I mean, and also like, I mean, what kind of guy is this?

I mean, who knows he might be the greatest guy in the world, but he's also hooking up, like they're just hooking up, and then apparently she needs advice because there's some text messages back and forth. I don't know if I think that's tough because it's your best friend. So the problem is she's gonna keep asking for advice if you don't say something, Man, that sucks. I don't say anything over it. No, what do you think she needs to speak up? Riley? If it's your best friend.

If it was my best friend, I'd be like, hey, like just to let you know, like I'm actually really into this guy too. Like I would tell my friend, if that's my best friend, your best friend, what type of advice the best friends asking for? Like I wonder if the best friend of Isabella wants to be with this guy, because that sucks because then it's Isabella is living vicariously through her best friend, you know, while she's

trying to get with the guy that she loves. I think that you should probably say something because your best friend, Isabella is going to keep asking you for advice, and it's gonna be like her twisting the knife every time she does. It's gonna really suck for you, and you could just be honest and be like, listen, I kind of like this guy. I'm not going to pursue him, you know. I think you guys are great together. I want you to go after him, But I just I

can't help you with this situation. I need to detach myself because it's like a little knife, a little knife that you keep twisting in my back. I will say, Isabella, right now, it doesn't have the guy she wants, and if she also does not want to have the best friend anymore, that she should follow that advice and say something. She wants to keep her best friend point and also not have that guy in your life. Just don't say anything. Who cares? Just let her just I just I wouldn't

say anything. I would just let it fester. But definitely takes that risk if she does say something, because what if the best friend reacts really poorly to it. Tough situation. I don't envy it. Yeah, all right, Next one who every wants to read it? I'll read it. Our next question is from Marley. She says everyone always asks if it's okay or not to be friends with the next my question is is it weird to be best friends

with your partners ex partner. I've been dating my boyfriend for six months and his ex girlfriend is part of the friend group, so I started conversing with her and honestly love her. My boyfriend thinks it's the weirdest thing, says it makes him feel uncomfortable. But I'm totally fine with it. I'm secure in our relationship. And he just doesn't get it. He says he would be respectful, but could never actually be friends with the guy I dated or even hooked up with. Is he being crazy? Should

I be? Should I not be friends with her because it makes him feel weird? And is this a guy thing? I'm confuctused. There's no confusion. You should not be friends with your boyfriend's ex girlfriend because Marley, what's gonna happen is one night you and your boyfriend are going to

get into a little fight. You're gonna be talking to one of your best friends who also used to date your boyfriend, and then you guys are gonna go down this rabbit hole of everything that he does wrong, and she's gonna be like he sucks, and then you're like, yeah, he does suck, and then it's just gonna be like seven hours of you bashing the boyfriend and when you call him at three o'clock in the morning and said, you know what, I'm done with you. I'm over it.

And then you guys are gonna break up and you're gonna go to regret it in two days, and then it's just gonna become a cluster. Just I think this is I don't blame him for feeling uncomfortable. Dude. If Ashley was like best friends with my ex, I would feel so uncomfortable with it. I'd be like, swere she hates me? I agree. I think yeah, Jaredy nailed down the head. Remember that. Remember those guests we had a few,

like maybe a month ago that we're on that TV show. Uh, they're divorce, is they're dating each other, and then they they're also like neighbors. Remember those guys. Yeah, yeah, I can't remember the name of the show, but those that interview as lovely people as they were seemed incredibly tense. And I agree with you. I think like all it takes is one bad night, one venting session to really snowball this thing in the in the direction you don't

want it to go. And even beyond that, it's just like, if it makes him uncomfortable, you mean you, me and my ex was the name of the show. If it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable, like that should be enough to distance yourself from the friendship. Like who do you care more about now, the boyfriend or the friend? And if your your answer should be your boyfriend. If it's not, then you should not be dating that guy. But if it is, then you should distance yourself from the from

the friend because your boyfriend's uncomfortable. Like that's that's kind of a no brainer. That's kind of like a layup. In my opinion, there's not really I want to I want to ask Marley. I want to ask more of this question. If the roles were versed and your boyfriend was best friends with one of your ex boyfriends, Marley, how would it make you feel? Probably not too good because you know that within any relationship there's baggage, there

was things that happened. It's probably best just cut the cord and move on. So I would suggest the same thing with this best friend, Like it's it's someone that's sure you guys get along. It's great, You'll find somebody else that you get along with, because right now it feels like you're choosing this friend over your boyfriend. That's how it feels to me. What do you girls think?

I think it's strange, Like I would hate that if my current boyfriend, I mean, this is my first boyfriend, but if my boyfriend was best friends that the guy was hooking up with in high school, it would just freak me out, Like I would hate that. Yeah, I agree, that'd be weird. Raley, what about you? I definitely think it's weird, Like what are they talking about? What are they saying? What memories are they you know, trading back and forth. It's just like it's like anxiety. I don't

want that. Yeah, just get it out for the reason they're in the past, right, that's a toxic trape. All right, Well I think that's uh, that's all she needs because it sounds like it's a resounding stop being friends with that person. Um, that's gonna do it. I gotta flight to go catch. So thank you guys for tuning in to this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating. Thank you to Jared of course for just bearing all.

And and you know what, Jared, thank you for being prepared for this podcast, because without you who the heck knows what we would talk about all day long without you rambling on for hours on end about Ben Affleck's acting career, all the Razzies he won when he, you know, was acting early on What would we what would we

talk about? Mostly Pearl Harbor. I don't know if I just want to say a big thank you to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck for just creating a couple that I'm so invested in love with and I hope that they never break up, honestly. So we have a contact with Duncan Donuts. I was on them. I was like, you guys need to do something because like remember that picture that went viral a few months ago with Ben like holding the Dunkin Donuts outside of his place and

it was all like falling down. Remember this picture at all? He had like six iced coffees in his hands, and he just like looked distress. He looked like that dad on a Saturday morning who's just trying to like carry all the coffees for his family. It's a great photo. And I was like, oh my god, they please, Like

Duncan needs to do something anyway. I just love the fact that like this duncan Boston guy who's like a former alcoholic whost you know, skeletons in his closet, is now dating like just like the most perfect, sexy, incredible woman on earth. It's like, I mean, I'm gonna taken, man. It's it's kind of like me, you know what I mean. Here I am this patchy, facially here kid from Rhode Island. I was working restaurants all my life. I swear I love playing softball, I love being the Northeast. I'm a

brady guy. And here I am dating the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth, someone who's like a little bit more Kardashian. You know, she likes her girl stuff, romantic comedy. She's a beautiful, stunning, impressive business professional woman. You know, I hit it out of the ballpark with that one. I'm dating outside my league is Ben. It's just so easy. All we have to do is let me say the words Ben Athleck, and you just go off. You go into autopilot mode and you can

just go and go and go. And I just want to say thank you so much for being that person. Jared. Hey, anytime flight, don't miss your second flight of the day. Yeah, thank you. I won't. I just ordered my Ubert's thirteen minutes away. Not a great sign anyways. Riley and Hanna, thank you so much for a sound engineering, producing, reading our emails, sharing your stories, everything and anything that you guys have done for us. Thank you very much for that.

Um that's gonna do it for this week's episode, so be sure to tune in next week, where maybe we will suck just a little bit less. Follow hell by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast