Sucky Daters Helpline with Olivia Caridi

this girl and uh, you know, everything's great. She's like awesome, like really awesome, except a couple of weeks and she she tells me that she's got this this best friend who likes her, and uh she you know, she like swears that there's no feelings for him or anything. Um, but he always wants to call and face time and and uh you know, even when I'm with her, and he wants to hang out with her, and so sometimes I'm like hanging out with her and the dude who's

got a crush on her. Uh you know, I told her was disrespectful and like we live like an hour away from each other, so I'm not trying to drive an hour to go and find go and hang out with some guy who's like trying to like be with her. I don't know, Am I being unreasonable? She? She says, I'm I'm I'm being insecure and that you know, I just need to to get over it. But he, I don't know. He feels shady to me. Yeah, I feel

shady to me too, my friend. UM, so my question is, does she know that he has a crush on her? Like that's confirmed? This guy is definitely into her. I mean not, I mean, he hasn't come out and directly said it, but it's like it just feels like something like you don't do that if you aren't into someone, right, Like I don't. I don't face time with with all these random people who yeah, you know what I mean.

It's it just feels it's like it's intimate and it feels like he wants to be intimate with her and we're trying to start something and I'm enjoying it. But it just feels like I don't know. She says, I'm being I'm being crazy, and I think I'm just I don't want to say she has to choose one or the other, but it just feels like, I don't know, it feels it feels weird to me. I'm curious, like when they talk, how long do they talk? And like

what do they talk about? I mean they talk about, you know, just just stuff that you you normally talk about with like your boyfriend or girlfriend. It's like, you know, even stuff like this' innocuous, like how is your day and like tell me about it? Oh, you know, like tell me more? And you know really like do they talk every day? Every day? There? It? Yeah, that's a lot. I mean, so how long are they like best friends? Though? My question to you is maybe there is nothing there

and maybe they are just best friends. Because if they're all if you're hanging out together, is this guy like throwing you shade? Or is he coming off as like just like a best friend? Because here's the thing. I I'm usually not down for like very close friends with with the other sex if you are attracted to them, because it usually leads to problems. But having said that, if the person is like your sister, then I don't know,

then that's fine. Like I have a friend that's one of my best friends and she's a girl, and like it was total like brother sister relationship to the point where, like I remember Ashley being weird, not being weird about it, but before meeting her, I was like, how are you guys like so close and you guys don't date or anything like that. I'm like, no, you have to. You have to hang out with us and experience what our

relationship is. And then she did and she's like, oh, yeah, you guys are siblings, and I was like, yeah, pretty much. So that's my question. But if this, I mean, if if it's clear to day that this guy likes her AND's like crushing on her, then yeah, that's a red flag. You need to talk to your your significant other and say, listen, it's clear that this guy likes you. He's up to no good. I know you're friends with him, but like, I'm not feeling comfortable with this scenario, especially if they

hang out without you. My piece of advice would potentially it seems like if you talk to her about this, you're bringing up more of like the romantic thing, like he likes you, are you sure you don't like him?

Like maybe the way I would do it would be rephrasing it as I'm having a great time getting to know you, but the fact that you're on the phone like every day with this person and like bringing this person around outside of just the fact that you think they like each other, but more of just how their conversation. Like the way that she's just bringing people around. It's frustrating for me in like the beginning of a relationship or whatever. Like she's obviously getting defensive about like the

romantic you know, calling you crazy or insecure, whatever. But you could just say, like I don't want to date someone that is on the phone face timing with someone every day. That's like not me, you know, like it's I don't talk to anyone any every day on the phone ever mm hm. So I don't know, that might be a way to like avoid the kind of tension that comes obviously from that defensiveness and just pin it more on like this is what I need out of someone.

I want someone to be present with me, you know, when they're with me. We live an hour away, so like when we're together, I want to make sure that no, you're not on the phone with other people, that you're you're with me, You have a loane time, make it more about what you need. Mm hm. That's my advice. No, that's good advice. Yeah, I'll definitely and I'm fine with

them being friends. It's just like, if I'm going to take the time to come come over, I don't want to have to share you then introduce it as that, Like I like you so much, we live our parts, so when we do spend time together, it's really important to me to have like alone one on one time uninterrupted with not face times and stuff and relation share Like, I'm enjoying getting to know you, but this is something that's like proving to be difficult for me in terms

of just the are togetherness. You know, when I do take the time to drive an hour, you take the time to drive an hour. Yeah, I don't know how you feel about that, Jared, No, I would agree. I mean, just make it about yourself. Make it about you, guys, and not so much the other person, because I think that will come awf a lot better. Yeah, because if you do make it about the other person, it becomes accusatory, where if you make it about yourself, you're just talking

about your own emotions and feelings. So Walker, thank you so much, man, I hope that helps. Good luck with everything. Thank you, appreciate it. Our next caller, Uh, we're dealing up on the line is Ashlyn Ashley. You're there, Yes, I'm here, Hey Ashly, welcome to the podcast. Hi, how are you good? I made it? I did it, well done? So how can we help you? What's going on? So?

I wanted to talk to you guys about my boyfriend. Okay, Um, my boyfriend and I are in our late twenties and we've been dating for almost einer Um, am I wrong to be frustrated that we always pay separate and he never offers to pay for me. I really, well, let me just plain. I really don't know if things will change one times better job, but um, I've always wanted the guy who won to treat me at times and pay for me. Curious, like when you started dating? Was

it that way still like early on? Was? No, it wasn't like that early on. But you know, he's been having a hard time it worked, and you know, so I know that he's been having a problems finding a job that pays him more and everything. Well, I guess so your biggest concern is that he might not be able to provide exactly. Yes, And and actually I've I've actually hinted it at it before and brought it up, and so I know that, Um, I understand how how he understands how I feel that this is going way

back to like when we were in school. Um, and I know that he was trying to find a better paying job so he can be able to provide for our family one day. But um, and after that he offered to pay for a few times for me a few times, but I didn't let it because I knew the struggle that of his situation was that he was

then already so um. The thing is what I'm wondering is because he'll spend money on himself all the time, but when it comes to like I tend to have the meal for me, he asked for us to pay separately, And of course I say yet because since I because I think that's what he wants me to do, is to pay separately since it's like a low amount. But I just really wish that we could take turns pain

because it's really so unromantic and unlike a date. In fact, I'm embarrassed after that to act like a couple when we pay separately, because we're kind of separate everything else in a relationship is fine, but this continues to just be the most massive turn off for me. And that's what I'm helping Olivia. What are your thoughts. That's tough,

and that's something that would bother me too. Um. It doesn't have to be every time, but I do think that there's something if we're talking about relationships where like you continue to feel like you're dating and like you never forget the romance of it. To me, something romantic, even if it's just you know, once or twice, like every like cover it be like I got this girl. You know. That's something that to me feels romantic. Um. Yeah, it's putting effort into it. Yeah, and it doesn't have

to be all the time. It's just like that extra bit of like let me take care of you, which you know I'm in many ways, I'm like an independent woman, but there are those little things that's like I want to be taken care of. I wanna of course, so that would bother me too, and I'm thinking of what I would do about it. Sared, do you have thoughts

from the male perspective? Yeah, I mean, of course, the biggest thing you do is just talk to him and try to present it in a delicate manner because I know guys, because I am a guy, and uh, you know, we can get pretty insecure about finances and um, so if you come at it in a manner of, hey, listen, I want you to either start making more money or paying for things for me and stop spending on you again, I think that's going to really come off that well,

and it just might start an argument. But if you talk about your emotions like Olivia has stayed in the past with a previous call, or where you talk about how it makes you feel and about how you want to feel, uh, you know, sometimes like hey, listen, I want to kind of relive our initial spark and and um, you know, have some romance time, and you know, I'd like for you to take me out on a date. And I would hope that would you know, click in his mind that hey, taking you on a date includes

paying for the date. O, my god, thank you so much. What I've always learned in life is that men and

like people can't read minds right. Like you could let something annoy you that your partner doesn't even see or realize, and you're you're churning on it, and they're just like living life, right, But if it's something that you continue like stewing on, and it's like you have to bring it up, and there are ways to do that, Like do I think you should say I need you to make more money and like make it into like a

bigger issue versus like kind of easing into that. Like I think it's a great thing to say to a partner. I love our relationship, but like you know, I want to make sure it's still spicy. I want to make sure that we never forget the romance of it. So I would love it if I don't know, once or twice a month or something, we went on a nice date or even just like you covered one of my dinners as like a a romantic move and then you know, as you go, if that improves, then there could be

more conversations about like further finances. But I always recommend not to like dive right into a serious topic versus kind of let's see if it can improve, you know, naturally, just by stating my needs as a as a part now you know definitely will do that because what I didn't do is what you guys said with the famed I kind of still silly now because I never actually came out and said I want, I need you to pay for it, So that is no really good advice.

And definitely thank you so much. Of course, people are not mine readers, never forget that people are not Thanks Ashlyn, thanks for calling the podcast. Thank you so much. Fine, All right, Our next caller is Luke. Hey, guys, how are you good? Hey? Good? So my ex girlfriend uh dumped me after about ten months of dating recently. Um, thanks, but she wanted to remain friends. Yeah girls, okay, Um about after a month she um, she got upset and feels like I now don't want to be friends with

her and that I want space. But really, in reality, all I've done is kind of put up boundaries, which I think is healthy so I can move on. Told her, you know, don't text me. I removed her from my social media for my friends app um. And somehow she has a problem with all this and that I'm now

being selfish. And to top it all off, she knows I'm going out next Thursday and wants to know what I'm doing, who I'm going out with all this stuff, and I told her, look, I'm not comfortable sharing all this stuff with you, and now she's upset, she's crying and all that and feels like I don't want to be friends, which is not really true. Also, she said that I have to tell her if I go on a date with someone now, so we can stop being friends. I think she's a little controlling. I don't really feel

good about this. Yeah, why are you? Do you really even want to be friends with her? Why are you? Yeah? I honestly no. I mean I was just being nice. I thought like she just wanted to maybe have a real friendship after dating for for for them, you know, the amount of time we did. I think she's a little controlling if she's wanting all this stuff, and you know I don't. I don't like it. So I was wondering what you guys think I should do. I mean, was she being nice when she broke up with you?

Like she was just being truthful and that's okay, And I think it's time for you to be truthful, saying listen, I wanted to be in a relationship with you. It didn't work out. I still have feelings for you, but this is unhealthy for both of us to try to be friends. I think it's best if we're putting boundaries up, and we're not friends anymore. She seems pretty toxic for you, if I'm being honest. Yeah, babe, I think you dodged respectfully.

You dodged a bullet number one, number two. Um. She chose to end the relationship and therefore does not get to dictate how she once said relationship you know, moving forward to be like you know I would. I've broken up with people, and the first thing I say is if you need time space, great, I'll give it to you, Like, let me know if you ever want to be friends,

because I adore you. Like. She has no right to dictate how your relationship looks moving forward, um, or what you do with your life like this whole needs to know when you're dating thing is crazy, toxic, insane? Yeah, Like, yeah, I don't. I'm feel good about it. I'll be honest with you. I mean, I don't need to check in whatever. Nope, your relationship is over. Your romantic relationship is over. So your duty eat in romantic sense, to keep her posted

and know what you're like. That doesn't exist anymore. And that was her decision. Um, And so now you have to ask yourself, why do I even want to be friends with this person, and too if I do, am I willing to like? And you should go out on a limb and be like, these are my boundaries. I'm not, I am not I I'm not required to tell you about any days I'm going on. You know, like, damn, this is what's going to happen if if we are going to be friends somehow, like these are the things

that are not going to happen from you moving forward. Um, yeah, question one, do you need this person in your way? I don't know that's a good question to ask. Yeah, I don't think I do. I mean, she really hurt me when she broke up with me, and and now it's like she's she wants me to like latch on or like giving character dangles just to kind of keep me in arm's reach. And that's not fair. That's no, it's not fair for me. You have to do what's best for you to move forward, and like to seriously

move forward. And I have excess that I am friends with, but it took time, like we didn't talk right away, like we did what we had to do to be able to speak eventually as friends. And even then we're not like, hey, what are you doing every day? We'll just you know, occasionally check in whatever. Like it seems like she wants to be in your life completely, which is not realistic at all for your healing, not even about her at all. You do what you need to

do to heal, that's it. Mm hmm Yeah, well, Luke, Yeah, I mean I couldn't agree more. I mean, like I said earlier, I just I think a good question that Olivia posed is do you think you need this person in your life? And uh so, best of luck. That's not easy, especially if you date someone and have to

cut them off. But man, I've been in relationships where it's just like that constant where it's over, but it's not over, and you guys are still talking, and then you'll meet up and then you'll hook up and it's like awkward, and then it like continues and it just makes a breakup far worse and longer, exactly, and it's just worse for both of you. So unfortunately, as sad as it is, I think it's quite unhealthy for her to keep checking up on you, especially she's the one

who broke up with you. It sounds like she wants her cake, and uh she wants to eat it too. How does that saying go? She wants her cake and eat it too. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Thank you very much, so, Luke, That's what I think. But best of luck, buddy. Thank you so much for calling the podcast. I hope that helped. I really do. Yeah, I know it definitely does. Thank you guys. Thanks all right, Well that's gonna do it for this week's episode of the caller edition of Help

by Suck At Dating. Olivia, You've been a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining us. Of course, happy and everybody listening. Make sure you guys tune in. Next week. Dean and myself will be back here for another episode of help by Suck a Dating, and hopefully we'll all just suck a little less. Follow Help by Suck At Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast