Sucky Daters Anonymous with Leah Block

heeart media dot com. I think our first caller is going to be Beth, and let's see if we can get them in here. Hello, how are you? You know? I can't complain? How are you? I cannot complain? The sun is shining, It's absorbing into my skin. About it's a beautiful it's a beautiful day. Beth, what's going on in your life today? You know what? This is kind of embarrassing and it feels stupid, but I could definitely

use your thoughts. Honestly, we should read in that podcast, this podcast to that Embarrassing and stupid hosted by Dana Jared. This is embarrassing and stupid, but I would listen. I would listen. So I've been on the apps for a couple of months now, and I just I can't get over the beards on these guys. Yeah, just for Lea and Jared. I was just hoping that she was going to say, well, I match with a really famous artist and I d menter and she blocked me and deleted

the app twenty four hours later. Sorry, Beth, continue, It's okay, you know, It's not quite that dramatic. And maybe I'm being over sensitive. Maybe it's a location things. I'm in the rule Ish Midwest, but genuinely, it seems like nine out of ten of these guys have some scraggly, untrimmed

one to two inch beards. And I'm not like, not a five o'clock shadow situation, not groomed, but this this patchy mess see beard And it makes swiping hard for me because it's all I can see after all these profiles, all these guys look the same, and I'm worried that I might be passing up a genuinely great guy over facial hair, which sounds stupid, but then do I really want to date someone who doesn't know what a trimor is like, do I just look past it or what

do I do? I think it's so funny that you called into this podcast because Jared is maybe one of those guys. Jared's beard has been coming along really strong lately, and Leah lives in Denver although she has a boyfriend. Now, I feel like Denver has to be the scraggy beard capital of the world. It is absolutely And I will say I never dated anybody before my current boyfriend, Um that had you know, a lot of facial hair, and I've always been into facial hair. I love a good

man bun and a beard. But that said, if the beard is not being taken care of, that's I mean, that's hygiene. So if you really like somebody, I mean I would just say at least go on a date because you never know they could be doing that because it's a new thing or it's no shave November. Well it's not yet, but you never know when those pictures

are from. And if it works out, you can always invest in some really good beard oil and make it very soft, or in the middle of the night just go how what's a good way to comfortably tell someone that, especially someone that you just met, that you want them to trim their beard more. Is there like a way

you can approach that well? I mean, for Ryan Um, whenever his beard gets too long and kind of puby a kiss and I'm like, oh, like that's scratchy or you know, it doesn't feel good, so I will I'm open and I say, you know, this doesn't feel good on my face, Like I don't want you to kiss me until you shave it down or put some oil in it, whatever you need to do. Because we women take so much care of ourselves. It's insane what we do as women to make men feel good and you know,

feel beautiful for them. And if you can find a guy that has a beard and you can see him looking good without it, you just you have to take that risk because you have you have no idea of maybe they never had a beard before and it's like a new thing, and I would just say go for it. Yeah. It is pretty funny how men have these scraggly, disgusting beards and then they see like a little bit of body hair on a woman and they're like, oh, this

is disgusting. I got you, lazy, painless, come see me. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fortunate where I can't really grow a beard at all. I can only grow this disgusting pubic goatee. So I like no choice really but to grow, but to keep it kind of clean shaven for the most part. Um. But I don't know, Jared, what are your thoughts on this. I like patchy beards. I know, listen, it's not that bad. I keep it cleaned up. You know, I need a trip now. But yeah, I have a patchy beard. You

know who else has a patchy beard? And Ben Ben has a pretty patchy beard. Yeah, Ben's got patchy facial hair as well. He's got a patchy beard. I find all the cool kids have patchy beards. A patchy beard Jesus Christ, Okay, yeah, that's right patchy. I think that's like a full sick I don't agreed without knowing, but you're gonna go against j c uh. I don't know. I mean, it's I got nothing like just do I'll tell him to shave it or if, like I don't know,

if you don't find it attractive, then don't go after him. Yeah, I don't know. It's tricky because, like you said, Beth, you're in the Midwest where I think they probably run a little rampant out there. Um, that is tricky, man, That is that is tricky. Maybe you can put in your profile like looking at beard cut man or something that's bad idea have a beer question mark, like you're gonna have to shave it, swipe right, get the clippers

or swipe right. Yeah that's kind of funny. Yeah, but I do agree with what Leo is saying too, because like you, especially if you're kissing it all the time, like and your skin is not used to having that type of friction on it, you could break out, like you could have like skin reactions to it. So like it really does it is your It like boils down to your comfort level and like keeping you more comfortable, which I think is important. Um yeah, I don't know.

I think I think you could just set the standard pretty early on, like, hey, if you want to take this seriously and you want to date me, trim the beer at least keep it clean shaven, or like LI said, put some oil in it, get it soft. I wish I had more experience with this issue, but I don't think I have very good advice for it. For your Beth, I'm so sorry. No, you know what Honestly, you guys validated me because I thought I was being really mean and overly picky. So at least I know it's okay

to talk about it and maybe that mean. So there's definitely there's definitely something going on in the air. Over the past like five to ten years, guys have really stopped caring myself included, guys have just stopped caring in in their presentation of themselves with like the beard. Uh maybe it's going as far as saying, like the way they dress, so it's not just you. I think that. I think, really think there's been a shift in men where they just like are putting in minimal effort all

the time. There has, but they would be livid if us women did that. I'm gonna stop shaving my armpits. I'm gonna whatever. Like the misogyny is very very real. Um, you could do that. You can fight fire with fire bath and just grow out some like nice armpit hair or something like that. Yeah, and say, look, I'll shave my armpits if you shave your beard, simple as that win win. That would save so much money with like

waxing empoyments. You have no idea. I don't have any idea, but I think it'd be hilarious and I'm all for it. Is clutch, Uh, that's what I wanted to get t M. I well, and we probably should move on to the next collar. But I want to get my butt waxed, and I just have never done it. I always wanted to do it. Your's gonna be freezing if you come into Denver. I'll do laser harmonball on you on my but Calen wanted me to do it on my butt. I said, I said no, I thought it was painful. Anyways, Um, Beth,

thank you for calling. We hope that helps. Best of luck. It does, Thank you so much. Who do we have next? We have Rachel calling in Hire. Good. How are you? We're good? Thank you for asking? What's going on? Well?

I have like this really anxious attachment style. Um, I just like it, really like discouraged and immediately just like down on myself and sad when the person I've been talking to go silent for a few hours even like half a day, and I don't I'm just talking to this guy right now that like he's not the best at communication. He's like, you know, really over the phone and with texting. He does, all right, but um, he's not communicating now and it's been about five and a

half hours. So I'm just getting really really anxious about that. Um, don't get anxious about that. You were gonna say five and a a half days and then I was gonna be like, girl, Yeah, no hours though. I mean he could be working, he could be working on something very important and can't look at his phone, or he's with his family and can't look at his phone. I don't know. There's there's multiple explanations for not texting back within you know, the span

of like six to eight hours. Yeah, I just I like, I know realistically that he has a life outside of talking to me, And I mean it's dumb. I know, it's so dumb to be like anxious about it, but I just can't help. But it's like, just talk to me. Yeah, but it does come back to him a little bit too, especially if you can communicate that to him, like anxious

attachment style. I haven't avoided an attachment style, So maybe that's what his is where I like, I always just kind of keep my space and distance and all that kind of stuff. So maybe that's what he is. And then you guys just need to figure out a balance that works for you. But I do think the first step is communicating that with him. How long have you guys been together for? Well, we've been talking for about a couple couple of months, so yeah, definitely something I

can communicate with him. Yeah, long enough to where you should feel comfortable communicating that. And I don't think I don't, like, I mean, sure, I guess the simple fixes just to not be anxious about it, but like, I mean, you are, so I think the best thing to do is tell him you are that you are and why you are, and hope that it fixes itself. And if it doesn't, then maybe, uh then try to be less anxious about it. But I think it's pretty unfair to just say just

don't be anxious. Whenever I try to use that logic on Kalin, she gets really upset at me. She's like worried about something, and I just say, oh, just don't worry about it. It's simple. It's like, well, no, it doesn't. It doesn't work that you know. Um, so, so hopefully you know, if he likes you enough, which it sounds like he does. If you guys been together a few months that it's something he's willing to work on. But it's not gonna happen, right, It's not gonna happen overnight.

You know, you have to be patient with it and uh, maybe you guys can kind of meet in the middle somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, it's just I just started like thinking the worse and like my fears come up, and it's just is he just interested in to me? Or is you know why is he not talking anymore? So? I guess it's just a way of like working it out and talking about it that hopefully I can get some insight into his brain and what he's thinking. Yeah, well, Leah or Jared,

do you guys know your attachment styles? Um? I don't. Actually don't I know that. Um. You know, I've been a relationship for many years and we'll go the entire day without talking. We're both jobs, both in some meetings. UM. And you just have to have that trust and that comes with time. Um. And you know, at the beginning of relationship, kind of in the honeymoon phase, you're talking

more than you do later in life. Um. But I don't know what this guy's what your boyfriend's job is or um, you know, what he does during the day, but there could be so many reasons why he's not texting you back. And if everything else besides the fact that he hasn't text you back is going well and um, nothing seems off for sketchy, then I think maybe just give him a little bit of grace and wait to see what he says and if you know, if there's

something sketchy going on him, that's a different story. I guess I'd probably be secure attachment because yeah, probably mean to I don't know, like I don't get too anxious. Uh, And then I certainly don't avoid, but I do very much like my alone time. So I guess I would be secure because I'm not looking to avoid, but I don't need to be together. I just kind of like, I mean, I love Ashley, I think obviously, yeah, but she wants to spend every minute with me and it's

so sweet. I love her so much for it. But there are times where I'm like, I think I just kind of want to like close my door and listen to music, play video games that cool before dude, I spend. That's people wonder why guys spend It's like I close and locked that door and I audibly go, yeah, Lee, I know I don't know you that well, but Jared I would agree with you that your secure attachment as well. I think that's uh an astute assessment of yourself. Um.

But yeah, Rachel, Hopefully that helps you know. Like we said, it's not something that's gonna happen overnight. Hopefully you guys are able to work through it and figure out what works best for you. Guys. But thank you for calling. We appreciate it. Best of thank you, thank you. By we have one more caller, ladies and gentlemen of help. I second dating. Their name is Wesley. Let's see what is going on in Wesley's life. It is a good name. Is it Wesley or Wesley? Which one of you guys

think Wesley? Oh, Wesley, Wesley? It might be Wesley. I think Wesley has a T, doesn't it Wesley? Wesley? I don't know, you know, like Leslie or less like Whenever you say Leslie, I'm thinking Wes Wesley. Yeah, Leslie with the W. Well, let's find out, Leslie. How's it going. We're doing good? How do you pronounce your name? First and foremost? It's Wesley, Lesley? Yeah, No, with a hard

ass Wesley. Wesley. Okay, okay, I'm thinking of have you ever seen The Prince Princess so many, many times, many times? So the lead actor in there, his name is Wesley, but it spelled with a t oh no, no, no, he's nothing like me. One hold on, I got it. So his is Wesley. Yeah, how do you say yours? Wesley? Yeah? It's almost like almost like yeah Wesley, Yeah, exactly, Leslie, That's what I was saying. That that was that was the most elegant pronunciation anybody has ever Alright, Wesley, what's

going like? What's going on? All right? Here's the deal. Basically, I went out with this girl. Really like her, nice smart, We really click. We've been going out for like four or five four or five weeks, about a month something like that. Um, And she said that she wants to wait a while to sleep together, to have sex, which is cool. I got I mean, I totally get it. She told me that in the past, you know, guys

have been less than cool with that. But also she's been used a lot and she wants to be careful. I do like her, um, but after like this much time, I do want to have sex. I want to sleep together, and I want to like make her feel comfortable, and I feel like I am, you know, committed and present, and then I take the relationship seriously and I don't really know how to demonstrate that to her without coming across as pushy, and so I just, you know, I don't know. I'm not sure how to play it or

what to say. How long you've been together, We've been seeing each other for like four weeks, for four and a half weeks. Still pretty fresh, pretty fresh. Yeah, it's fresh, but it's like a pretty good connection. I think we both acknowledge that we like, we see real potential here, but also like sex as part of the intimacy process. So I'm not totally sure. I don't know. It's just it's a tough call. So so Wesley, uh, you you said you really like this girl and you have a connection.

I do like this girl. We have a yeah, like a big connection. Yeah. So my advice, or what I would say, is that hopefully you will have sex with this girl many many times. Yes, what's the rush? Thousands of times? So I guess my question would be, what's the rush if she really wants to even take it further? Slow, you know, I mean, it's tough. There comes a point where obviously you know your needs have to be met too,

and there needs to be a conversation. But I think, like a month in it's not unreasonable to say I'd like to wait a little bit longer. I waited over a month, and I wasn't needing to wait. I just actually I think Ryan was the one that said no to me. It's like you, uh so no, And I was like, oh, let's do let's do this. Um, have you guys had any other sexual Yeah, we've Yeah, yeah we have, We've we've done other stuff. Um. I don't know how detailed do you want me to get, but yeah,

we've like been involved in amorous behavior. Um okay, but uh yeah. She seems pretty hesitant, and I can tell that some of it does have to do with her past, Like I don't know she explained it to me, but I can I can also just feel it like there are reasons and certain experiences that have led up to this. I can just I can feel that. You know, Yeah, it's tricky, man, that's a that's a tricky spot to be. I think, as much as it stinks, you do have to just kind of be patient and let her move

at her own speed. Um especially you know, like like you're saying, you four weeks in not a lot of time, but not it's not obviously no time, Like that's still a good amount of time to get to know someone. Um yeah, I don't know. It's tricky. It's tricky, especially when you really like them, and a lot of times, like going that that last step can really dictate where relationship is going to go, whether for the better for the worst, if you guys are compatible in that way.

Uh So, sometimes it's nice to just know sooner rather than later. But it's it's hard to like, like, you know, I think you should be as patient as you can be and kind of let her move ot her own pace. But I don't know. Is there a way that I can without actually directly addressing sex? Is there a way that I can sort of communicate or demonstrate to her that I am, like really invested in this and that I do see her as someone that could potentially be a partner, And how can I express that? That's a

really good question. That's a really good question. What do you guys think? I mean, I I think open communication is the most important thing, really repeating. I think if you say it once, sure it lands and she might respect you for it. But I don't know if she

necessarily has to believe you. But if you showcase with not only your words but your actions, which means, you know, making her feel as comfortable, um, you know, even has she been to your place yet, she's been over, so like having her over your place a couple more times and not even bringing up sex, you know, making sure that hey, like, just because I'm inviting you over doesn't mean that I'm implying that we need to be intimate

communicating like I really like you, I completely understand where you're at um, and you know, I want you to know what my intentions are UM, so she feels comfortable um and not pressure because the pressure is what will make her run the other direction. Do you think that's a good idea to let your intentions be known? Like if you do see a long term relationship with this person, uh, that might help put her at ease when it comes

to that aspect of things. Maybe, Like I don't know if you've met many of her friends or family yet, but I think once she sees you in that environment too, it'll help her feel more comfortable around you and make it seem like more of a long term thing, because

that's really what it seems like to me. Is the big issue, Like the impact that she's having is, like you said, she's got these trust issues in the past, and if you make it clear to her that it's not just like a one off thing and you do intend to be around for a while, which you know, if you do intend for those things, then um, that's great and I think that will just kind of help things, maybe speed up the process a little bit. Um. But yeah,

I do agree with Lee. I think making your intentions abundantly clear is uh not like your your your immediate sexual intentions, but like your long term relationship intentions. I think, Um, if you do plan on going that route, I think it's good to get that out there and let her know that that's how you feel. Jared, you actually have had a relationship, like you guys, probably took some time. You guys were friends, relationship up and down. Now you're

married with a beautiful baby boy. Yeah. It was different though because we weren't committed from Radolf the start, so it wasn't a commitment, and then we made a conscious decision to wait on the intimacy. It was more like up and down, friends together, not together, um. And then we were strictly friends for a very long time, and then we got together, and then of course we had conversations about intimacy because anytime you go from being friends

to in a relationship. But I don't know if those conversations are pertinent, because it was more of making sure that this felt right, which honestly did. Like the first time we kissed, it was like, okay, yeah, this is not weird at all, which is a great sign. But for you, Wesley, um, yeah, I think it's more about just reassuring her that you are putting her first before

your own needs. And then there will certainly come a point if you guys, aren't intimate, where you're going to have to have a conversation with her saying Okay, you know i've been as patients I can, and I want to continue moving forward and I want to make you feel as comfortable as possible, but I am attracted to you. I would love for us to move forward in this

part of the relationship. And then, of course, if she keeps saying no, no, no, no, and you're talking about three months now, of course, then you have to decide, Okay, you know, is there something wrong here, She's not attracted to me, what's going on? Yeah, that's really good advice. You brought up another really good point to and I

that I've been thinking about. I realized she hasn't met my social circle, and that is a big thing that sort of sends the message, Hey, I'm introducing you to my people, and I want you to know that that just it communicates so much about your intentions. And I think it's not by design. It's not like I've kept her away from my friends or anything, but that does

feel like a step in the right direction. Yeah. I've definitely been in relationships in the past where I've maybe waited to introduce them to my friends, and it's become a point of contention at times. So I do agree with you Wesley that introducing her to your friends would it would be a step in the right direction at least for sure. Yeah, I agree. I think that's gonna

be so. And maybe I just won't bring all this stuff up, I mean, not talking about it is a way, like you all said, sort of just maybe like hands off for a minute, focus on other things and that will sort of like unfold on its own and comfort will just grow organically. And I do. Yeah, it's good advice. Yeah,

And I'll tell you what too. If if you're in a relationship where like not being physically intimate isn't the only thing keeping guys together, then that's a good thing, right, Like, if you guys genuinely enjoy spending time together and then you also find out later on that you enjoy having sex with each other, that's a win win rather than many relationships nowadays are sex first and then figure out if you guys get along after, where then you find

out there's nothing to get like you guys just still get along and the only thing you like about each other is having sex with each other. Then that I think that's kind of why a lot of relationships fail. But if you guys find out the friendship and like the relationship component before the sex, then I just think it's kind of more leads you to be more successful

in the end. I think, do you guys think like in the other things that we've done, like obviously we've made out and stuff like that, And again I won't go into it, but there's that stuff has felt good that like beginning sexual stuff that's felt pretty good. Do you guys think that that's usually a trustworthy, dependable indication that sexual chemistry and all that stuff will like be in line and it will fall into place. Where do you think that's like not necessarily true? I think I

feel like I'm monopolizing a conversation here. I think I think you fall in line. I think I remember when Calen and I first made out, like the first week or so of us making out, she kept like doing something weird, like she was like biting my lip or something, and I was like, I don't like this, please stop. And then sure enough eventually she figured out what I like, and vice versa, I figured out what she likes, etcetera. Um, So I think a lot of that stuff can be

like learned with your partner. Uh, And sometimes you have habits that you think are good and aren't good for the specific person. So yeah, I definitely, I definitely think that's something that, Uh, if it's not great right away, it's not, which is not what you're saying, Um, it be great later and like you're saying, and see, like the non sexual like makeout sessions you guys are having,

if those are good. That's a good sign for later on two, I would say, true, Yeah, I mean I wouldn't call them totally non sexual, but you know, yeah, they're Yeah, it's it's it's a tough thing to navigate, especially these days because, like I guess, in the media, not that I feel one way or another about it, and on social media there's so much sexual content and relationship so built on that, so it does get tough

to just sort of find your own rhythm. I guess it's so weird because, like you said, to social media does such a bad job of portraying what like a healthy relationship is supposed to be. Like they oversexualize everything, and so it's just like it's it's like everyone wants to carry to that standard, but in reality it's nothing like that, and it shouldn't be because that's like an

over sexualization of all those things anyways. But it is still, like like you're saying, Wesley, it's still an important facet of any relationship. Um, But like, like we've all kind of agreed, I do think that taking time, especially like being mindful of her speed, is definitely the most important and it does set you up for hopefully more success down the line. But I agree with you that social media is kind of ruining a lot of things in that.

The one thing I'll say is, Wesley, just be careful about who you engage with on social media as far as like liking very attractive women's photos, because I can tell you from my experience and many other women's experiences that it definitely rubs us the wrong way. It makes us feel like we're not your priority. So um, just keep that. Don't get Jared started on that. He will go on a big rank about liking models pictures on Instagram. What does it like do? What does it like do

for you? What does it do for them? It's just like, come on, But I agree, I mean, I fully agree with you. Leah. Yeah, that's good advice. You gotta be careful. Yeah, I know. I think it's the same is true for men. I mean I think maybe not to the same degree, but on it does that phenomenon does play out. Um when the gender rules are reversed as well. I think, Yeah, I felt for sure. Um. Well, best of luck, Wesley. We appreciate you calling in. Thank you guys, have a

good one, see you later. We just get a little puppy this is my dog who got attacked driving. She needs a haircut really bad, but she's she looks great. I was gonna say, you got your lip bus open, but I couldn't even tell I have lipstick on. But when I got it was literally split in half and it was hanging open. She was in the r I was in the yar at a different place, and I was like, look, guy, like this is my face. But

at the same time, I really didn't care. I didn't even know what happened until after excited so much adrenaline um during the act that Ryan actually looked at me was like, I'm like, what what? Yeah, we got to take Darlin, And then he looked at me and pointed. I went in the bathroom and was like, holy, it was literally holding my lip together the whole ride. Well that's good to know because Calin also got bit by our dog. Seven stitches on our lips, and she's like

kind of self conscious about the scar. It's gone. It's basically unnoticeable now, but it has gone a lot better over time and it will And also, like what I've been doing is it's very I you know, I have some lipstick on, it's very very hard to see, but I've been micronatling it, like if I go get in my creative treatment, Um you just micronei over scar helps break down that scar tissue. Um that goes with any scar on your face. So I think it's cool. Dudes

love scars, so it's love scars. Women don't, but dudes do. Yeah, exactly. Um. Well, it's nice to meet Darla and Leah. Thank you so much for co hosting these last two episodes with us. We appreciate it absolutely. Thank you for having me on. It was great, of course. Thank you. We'll be on the lookout for some big news from you and Ryan pretty soon. Yeah all right, thanks guys. Follow help by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast.