Return to Paradise with Abigail Heringer

Abigail Harringer, Yeah, Harringer is here joining us. Abigail, how are you? I'm good, Thanks guys for having me come on today. Of course, thanks for coming on. You're you're the one who really keeps us in line. Usually this goes off the rails. As you can tell. My Mike has been struggling. But Abigail, how are you? How are you? Noah, what's new in your life? Yeah? We're not really busy. Um, I actually just popped up in moved across the country. Um wh I was living in New York for a

little bit. So my life is just kind of still in suitcases and whatnot at this point. But um, you know, what's going well? And then we just did a trip to coast Um which was really fun. And now he's back to working at the hospital, so we've been staying busy. So you moved in with him. Um. Yeah, So we have an apartment with one of his other friends. Um. So it's the three of us and one apartment. So

we're beach right now, in Hunting Beach. Nice. Nice. You know, it's funny, you guys are so similar to Kaylin and mys beginning of our relationship because we came off the show. We did a bunch of traveling together. We eventually moved in together with like one of my best friends, and so there was three of us living in this house together. UM. I hope that. I hope that your guys relationship is way more successful than ours, not that ours isn't successful.

I'm just saying I don't know. I don't want to be as successful as ours, like oh toot my own horn. I'm just saying I wanted to be even above and beyond. You know, you're starting out in a similar path here, so I just don't want that to Uh sorry, I'm getting losing my train of thought here. Anyways, Um, jed, what what kind of questions do you have for appiol today? Well, so you lived in New York. Is that where you're born? No, I was actually from Oregon, and then I just made

out to New York. Actually right when Matt season was airing. UM, one of my friends from college and I were just like, we want to try a new city, try something new. Um, And I knew a couple of the girls from the show lived in New York, so it just seemed like a good bit. And with COVID pricing, Tube write was actually cheaper in New York than it was in Portland at the time, like we had to take advantage of it. Um. But then my lease ended and I missed my family,

I missed the West Coast. No, I was in California, so it just made sense for me to come to California. Well, I'm assuming you obviously came to California be closer to family, but also because and Noah is Noah from southern California. No, he's actually from Oklahoma. He's in Tulsas. So when we were in hiding, because when we left Paradise and we

had to be in hiding until obviously the final episode. UM, it was a lot of secret visits to Tulsa and then he started tracked in January this year, so we've been in California since. So how did you How did you guys decide that you were going to move to California and he wasn't gonna move to New York. Um, so I knew I didn't want to be in New

York long term. Like I love the city, but it's a very like I'm used to kind of the slower vibes of just being able to like go for walks or drive places, just things like that, and living in the city is very kind of hustle and bustle and just a little exhausting. Um. And then he was looking at contract and he wanted to obviously go somewhere warmer for the winter, so this one came up. It's in Huntington Beach, which I like l a, but I definitely

like how Huntington's a little bit further. Oh, it's a little bit more low key and quieter. So it just like that, are you gonna have a car in California? So No, and I are sharing his car right now because he works night ships, so I have it during the day pretty well. But you have the fore runner, so gas right now, like prices are still in California, and I think his car probably gets like tea miles per hour, So like filling up his tank is such

a paint right now. So maybe I'll look into getting like a little electric car or like scooter or something. I heard gas was seven dollars. Is that true? It's south to seven, but it's north of six. I mean I would believe it. I haven't built up his tank in a while, so I'll have to ask him. So how is long distance? What did you guys do to keep the romance alive while you were you know, almost three thousand miles apart. Yeah, I mean it's not fun. Um,

just like going that long without seeing somebody. But um, I feel like we did pretty well. Like we were able to see each other a lot. I think just a flexibility with my kind of schedule. I was able to fly on see him a lot, a lot of face times, a lot of light show dates maybe dates and whatnot. Um, and then just trying to make the time that we did zoom dates. So you like zoom

together and watch a show. Oh yeah, I will like start the show at the same time and then I'll mute, but I just used to catch and Nate I think he'll play it on his TV ever. Yeah, are you guys? Are you guys good at those types of um? Not like relationships, but like every relationship at one point the kind of has to go through that long distance thing. Are you guys good at like the long distance relationship

or um? We knew that we did not want to do long distance, like if we had to do it for more than a year, like, I just don't think it word to words, Not that we would have been able to do it, but I think we just really value that time together. So I think that's why when mine leaves was dun date, it wasn't lay a question of okay, yeah, like we're going to take that step together, UM, just because I mean, people make it work for years, but it's just not in my nature to doce Jed,

can you do long distance? I did. The only time I've done long distance was with my ex girlfriend. She studied abroad in Italy and I was for six months. But the only reason we really made it through is because we knew there was an endgame. It wasn't oh, who's moving where? How long is this going to take? We knew that I knew that she was back in six months. I don't think i'd be able to do long distance um as much as I like my own personal time, and Dean, you can relate to this where

I need just to be alone for a while. Uh, I also can't be I I don't want to be alone for like weeks or months at a time and then see someone and then have to leave and then do that all over. That's really tough. If if Kaylin and I had to do long distance for whatever reason, like let's say she got a work thing in um Japan for nine months and I had to be in America, I've guarantee you she would break up with me within

like two months. I'm so bad, like a sense, like I hate phone calls, I hate face times, and she loves us things, and after like the first couple of weeks, she'd be like, why are you not answering my phone calls? I'm like, I don't know, I just don't like it. Let's just text. Let's just text. Texting is good, and it's tough too, because then you get like and then you're on the phone with each other and you have to call every night, so you're like, might start getting

annoyed at one another. We have nothing to talk about. My biggest pet peeve even outside of romantic relationships, actually probably less so in romantic but even like in her personal relationships is when people call without a designated purpose, Like if you just call just to talk, I I Will explode. But like if you call and you're like, hey, like where are you? Are you coming? Okay, you're even here in five minutes? All right, see then but no, if you just call and you're like, hey, what's up?

Like how are you? What's new? Oh my gosh, nothing infuriates me more than that for some reason, and that's probably not good. But um, anyways, back to the subject that hand, Abigail, what have you learned about Noah since you guys have started dating or what's your favorite thing that you've learned about him? Um? My favorite thing about him that I've learned? Um, honestly, he really surprised me

and how much after he's setting into our relationship. I think just because when you leave Paradise you are still kind of in that bubble and kind of okay, like, um, not like I had a fairy toe because obviously then like well, for us, but I think you kind of just have that bubble of okay, Um, it's really easy to kind of just focus on that relationship, but then when you get to the real world, you have all

these distractions come up. And I've just been really impressed with how much he prioritizes our relationship, um, you know, just on a day to day basis, and then also just with like his contract for his hospital, how much he was just like checking in with me, kind of failing me and saying like, would you be happy with this location. I'm gonna request to work like four days so we'll have three day weekends. I was like, oh, that's really sweet. Yeah, you guys are definitely one of

my favorites in Paradises past season. But I at the top of the episode, I mentioned you guys sucked at one point on the show, and I want to bring that up real quick. So at the prompt on the prompt it you guys like we're kind of going at it against each other, Can you just like walk that over with us real quick? And I'm sure you're probably

sick of reliving it. Obviously it's okay because everything ended well, so like maybe it's funny to look back and laugh at So can you just talk about that for a second, like how did that all unfold? And then how did you guys kind of rekindle after the fact. Yeah, So, I think kind of the issue on Paradise was obviously communication. We just did not do a good job of communicating.

And I think for me, I'm a very bite list of person when it comes to dating, and like, yes, I know what I signed before when I went on the show, but just the idea of, you know, a proposal after two and a half weeks, like that just

scared me the entire time. Um, I was having so much fun with Nolla a day basis, but then when it came time to half those conversations, it was kind of like an inner battle with myself of Okay, I want to show him how much I care for him, but I also don't want to scare him because we've only been talking for a week, and so I just wouldn't say anything. And then he kind of took it as Okay, well, she's not really expressing how she feels

about me. Does she not like me as much? And then he was having that like we just weren't talking to each other about it, um. And obviously that backfire because I mean everyone saw kind of whappen um. But then watching it back, it was really eye opening because when we loved Paradise, I was really mad at him. I was just like, you've blindsided me. Um. We said we were going to be open with each other so forth, But then watching it back, I was like, Okay, he

really was trying. Like I didn't see a behind the scenes stuff. He really was trying. And I felt so horrible. And I mean we could laugh about it now because it worked out right. UM. Do you think that it had you not been that way? Do you think he would have proposed you at the end of the show? Um. So we actually said kind of from the very beginning that, Um, neither of us wanted to get engaged. I think we were very open to the idea of leaving in a

very serious relationship. But I think we were just hie on the same page of it's a very big thing and a really special thing. We only want to do it once. We want to be so sure um to do it. So I think we always knew that the engagement. I just felt we were going to lead together like that was stud and Stone and apparently it was, but then we got back together. But um, I we both

wanted to just lead paradise and not be engaged. Those producers, man, they can convince they can convince the penguin to buy some ice from them. Like I feel like if you got towards the end, I guarantee those thoughts would have like crept in because they were just like be driving home because the same thing happens to every single couple.

And I think because you guys left early before the engagements even were an option, and I think that's always the best option too for any couple, Like the same thing happened to me and Kalen. You know, there was no pressure for us to get engaged from the producers because we weren't there during that time, and so you're able to leave and just like have a lot less responsibility in regards to like that aspect of it, I guess, Abigail. So the question becomes, you guys have been together for

what nine ten months now? So in Bachelor World, Oh my god, that's like seven years now, any thoughts about an engagement moving forward? More confident in the idea of it now? Um? Yeah, So we definitely have talked about it. Um, it's definitely. I mean, we wouldn't be dating each other if that wasn't in the cards. Um. I think right now we're just enjoying taking the big step and moving in together, um and really just kind of enjoying die and then we'll address the engagement down the roll. But

there's no timeline. Um. I don't think there's really ironically like a pressure on us. I know, like as a bachelor couple, Like people are always commenting on my pictures and stuff saying once the engagement. Some people were messaging me thinking our trip to Costa Rica was gonna be like a proposal trip, and I'm might, we haven't been eating for a year, So it's isn't that the most

isn't that the most? Um? Infuriating things sometimes too, where you're just like, let us just live our lives and let us be a regular couple and don't put that pressure onto us. It's that and then it's just like when we don't follow like the timeline of the show, I think people are like, oh, they're not serious about like they're not serious at each other or they're doom and I'm like, but if it was a real world. Like in the real world, people usually date for over

a year before they take that next step. So it's just yeah, it's yeah. I mean, hey, Caitlin and I are coming up on three years and there's still no engagement. So, um, let us be let's be the big example for you. Yeah, right, it'll come. It'll come eventually, maybe if she ever asked. I'm just waiting for her to ask. She hasn't. She hasn't. She's gonna get on one knee at some point. Um. So, we do have a couple of topics of the week

that we want to get to. We also have an email coming up later on in the show, but first let's take a quick break and then we'll come back with Abigail and talk about some hot topics. Allright, welcome back to help I suck at dating. Dean, myself and Abigail are here. So there's a topic that I want to talk about, and it's it's it's about breaking up, which is quite sad. And I'm not saying that anybody

should break up within this. We've all broken up at podcasts. Yeah, so so has everybody here been broken up with and have been the person to break up with someone yeah, of course, certainly. I don't think I've broken up with somebody never uh no, not even like Jimmy from sixth grade. I feel like the closest was I knew I was over the relationship, but I like slowly creeped my way out. It was never sit down conversation. So I feel like, I'm can we get that? Give you a little more

detail on that. How do you slowly creep out of a relationship? You just don't do that slowly to back out of it. Um. Yeah, I was in Polis. I was dating this guy, like it wasn't a super serious relationship, and he was two years older, so he had just graduated college, and at that point I was just like, okay,

I know, like we're not gonna get married. I want to enjoy college so for um, So it's just kind of more of just like I wasn't responding as much so forth, and then I would kind of push it on him where he was like, yeah, like I don't think this relationship is working. I think we should like go our separate ways. So like I indirectly try to make that happen, but I couldn't bring myself to be like I don't think this is working. No, I don't. I'm not saying you broke up with someone on Paradise,

but I don't remember. Were there guys that you had to turn away? There had to have been guys that wanted to day you were asked you on a date and you said no. Um. I tually know because Noah and I went on our the very first day, so I already have the power from their first day. So I never like the guy asked. And then when guys would like pull us a side, like new guys coming in, they would be like, like, what's your situation and stuff?

Maybe I should have been more open, but I always pushed this slight yeah, like knowing that I went on a date, I'm happy with him. I here are the girls are? So don't worked out, don't be more open. You know exactly what you needed to do. Most of those guys down anybody on Paradise. Yeah, you found you found the best guy that you could have found for yourself and probably in the entire history of the show even too. Hey, quick question not to get us to

derailed from the conversation. What are those little bobblehead soccer player guys behind you? Oh, that's his friends. Um, the third guy that lives with that, Justin, they're like little lets them Okay, cool, they're cute. I was just yeah, I was curious. They're not mine. They're not mine. I have no idea what they are feeling the pressure now. I wish I knew. Is he feeling the pressure to move out? Now? Now that you're here? Asked what you know? We it's a really big apartment and we have a

lot of funds together. Um, I did it happen nicely? Do it kind of like easing instead of just I don't know it works for us. I agree, it's it's funny too. Whenever I told anyone that we had like Kyl and I had a roommate, everyone I always kind of looked at us weird, But honestly I loved it. It It was great Like if Kylen wasn't home, I'd get to hang out with my best friends, and if I wasn't home, they could like hang out too. So it was like, I don't know, well, that's why you loved

it because it was your best friend, Dean. If it was Kaylin's best friend, I'm sure the situation would have been differently. That's feel like the best guy and your girlfriend under water birth. That is pretty. They should make like a sitcom out of this or something. Yeah, Dean, you were living the damn dream. You kidding me? And it was like, oh, I had to hang out with my girlfriend and my best friend. Well my girlfriend's not here and with my best friend, and my best friend's

not here and with my girlfriend. Sadly, it's all come to an end because we move out on Tuesday. Ah, well, did you get the place in l A. We got a new a studio in Los Angeles. It's three square feet. It is absolutely tiny, so there. Yeah, it's like a New York shoebox. But my little New York apartment. Yeah, and I'll tell you what. Rent prices are so ridiculous right now we're paying nearly three thousand dollars a month

for the tiniest little apartment. But that is what I would My office here in Audrey's is probably about about thirty square feet. I'll give it to you for a cup of coffee a month. You know what, Wait, do I buy you the cup of coffee? Yeah, but you have to spend it at Audrey So really you're just paying me. Do we get back on track. Here, what's this? What are these breakups you want to talk about? All right?

So this is from excuse me. It's an article titled how to break up with someone in the healthiest way possible. These are eight breakups don't So these are eight breakup don't do. Not do. These the mistakes to avoid when breaking it off. One do not break up over text or email. It says, remember when carry was broken up with over a posted note in sex in the City.

Don't be that person. If you care about someone enough to be in a relationship with them for a period of time, you owe them the respect to have an in person conversation. This one doesn't apply if you're concerned about your safety, though, so if you're not concerned about your safety and everything is good, I agree with this. Don't break up over text or email? Email? What are

you resigning from a job? Godfort bit damn and I ever break up, I'm going to send her a facts and I'm just gonna say sorry, this isn't working out because I feel like this is what I did with my relationship. Yes, I do agree, text or email is a big no. Now I disagree, go for it, just send it. Send the text. If you don't like it, obviously isn't important enough to you anyways, just press the send. But and I've done it before, I think I think it's okay. I think it kind of like helps both

both sides ease the blow, softening a little bit. You know, how long were you dating the person for it? Because I be like, if you're dating casually for like you, months and texts would make more sense instead of hypothegically if you're canly worth a break up tomorrow, I don't think you would. Sechar attacks. You make a very valid point. I think, okay, here's a good rule of them. Anything under six months text, okay. Anything over six months months txt not okay, No way. I was thinking more like

two or three months. I would say two and even two for me is pushing it. Six months. That's an invested, intense relationship. Okay. Can we go back to what I talked about earlier? Though? Is I hate phone calls, so for me a text conversation is nearly as good as a phone call conversation for him makes sense? Makes sense. Number two It says, do not surprise them. A breakup

out of the blue can feel especially devastating. One of the best ways to eliminate unnecessary pain for your soon to be ex is to not surprise them with the breakup by blurting it out at an inappropriate time, give them time and respect to emotionally prepare and seek the necessary support for the end of your relationship. So instead of surprising them with the breakup like easy, like you know, build up to it over a couple of days, like

plant the information. I totally disagree with this. There's there's no beating around the bush air like you're gonna if one person wants to break up with the other one, you're gonna kind of come out of left field and surprise them. Yeah. I feel like, okay, well, Noah could have taken a note out of this one pre parentise because he did surprise me. But I also was thinking about it. I was like, how would like, what's the

other way to do it? Like with you, like like you just kind of dropped like little hints that is working. I feel like sometimes you just have to sit down and just say like, hey, I've been thinking about it. This is not working, right, I agree. Or you could just take the other route and put on a lot of weight and then let them break up with you because you're not taking care of yourself anymore. That's always

an option. This doesn't make any sense to me, because what I would rather hit someone with a big right hook than little jabs over the course of like a couple of weeks, you know, not this is all uh talk here. I'd rather just hit them with a blow over the head then uh one violent shot. But it's like, I mean, how would you not surprise them? What are you supposed to just walk past them and be like, you know, I really hate your cooking and just walk away and just like keep doing that over the course

of a couple of weeks until she gets the hint. Yeah, I think that's a bad tip. I think you should just tell it how it is at any moment. If you want to break up with them, let them know what. I agree. Alright. The next one is do not break up right after having sex. This should go without saying, but it's something I hear too often in my practice.

Having sex one last time and then breaking up with them can be incredibly confusing and hurtful, making the person feel you is an even and even causing distrust in their future relationships. Yeah, I agree with this obviously, and then even vice versa, like breaking up with someone and then being like, Okay, we should do it like one last time for like good old times sake. I feel like that's just as damaging too. Oh I was gonna

say the opposite. I was going to say, if you were going to do that, that's the method you should take. You should wake up with someone and then then have like like see you later sex, because think about it, like, if you're just gonna have regular relationships sex, it'll just be as it'll just be like what you're used to. But if you break up with them and then have sex, there will be a lot more like fire and passion in it. And then you guys could like bang it

out and then move on with your lives. I mean I would agree with that, but I also wouldn't say that's healthy. Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm not talking about healthy. I'm just talking about what you should do. Yeah, okay, definitely don't have sex with an X. I mean it's

so literally five minutes ago, it's a five minute all days. Yeah, but then if you have sex, you're gonna want like I guarantee you if you have two people having consensual sex who are former significant others, one of them is still wanting to be with the other person, you know what I mean? Yeah, I see, I see you were coming from. I'm saying the timeline is a lot shorter

than what what maybe I'm giving it credit for. Is like I'm going to walk into the room and say, hey, you and I are breaking up, and then we're gonna before we leave that same room, we'll have already had sex, It's like, and then never have sex again. You know. It's not like you're gonna come back a week later and have sex. You're gonna have sex in this moment. Leading I feel like when you utter the words break up, but then your body is saying something different, like hold on,

I want to know specifically. Alright, Dean, so what do you What you're saying is that you should have sex with the person and then say we're breaking up. No, say okay, we're breaking up and now we're gonna have sex and then like one last two raw, you know, like it's breakup sex. People have breakup sex all time. Yeah, Okay, I agree they do. It's just I agree with that, Bigail. I think it's a terrible She's coming around in my

way of thinking, here is like off the table. Okay, Okay, maybe I was wrong, Maybe she's not coming around to my way of thinking. I mean, hey, to teach their own I guess I'm not saying I condone this. I'm not saying I've ever done it, nor would I ever do. I'm just saying, if you were to do those two things in one particular order, that's the order that I would recommend doing them in. Okay, I see the point you're making. You're like, if I had to choose, yes,

I would. And if if I had the choice of not breaking up at all, that's my choice forever, and Dean, I totally agree with you. If if it was plausible to say, okay, let's break up and then we'll just have sex and there will be no emotion attached to it and just one last time, sure, yeah, of course, why not. It's never the case though, and in fact, there would be a lot of emotion attached to either what do you mean, I just don't from a relationship and then flip the switch and say, yeah, we can

keep all the physical stuff but no emotions. I'm not saying like a repeat offender in terms of like cooking up. I'm just saying one and done. You're in your out. Sex is like gambling. You put a dollar in slow machine and you're like, all right, I'm only spending a dollar, and then you lose or you win, and then you're like, maybe one more, maybe one more. It's like when you go to Justin Bieber concert and it's the best concert ever and he's saying, hey, guys, thanks so much, I

had a great time tonight. I'll see you next time, and he walks off the stage and everyone in the crowd is saying, well, one more song, one more song, and then he you know you he's leaving. You know he's breaking up with you. And he comes out and he goes, you know what, one more song. I'll give you guys an encore and it's so much better than every other song because you know it's the last song he's gonna sing, and so you cherish every second of

it so much more. And then he leaves and then you know, don't see him again until the next time you go to Justin Bieber concert. But my point exactly, I don't like see him walk off the stage at that point because it's like you kind of got that little teaser of like because now you can be asking. But then when he doesn't come back on the stage again,

it hurts more. I see, but you've already experienced him walking off the stage once before, so now seeing him walk off again, you've become like a little bit more callous to the to the concept of it. Um, I'm a going to die on this hill too, by the way, in case you guys haven't, we're missing the point, which is Dane, you're gonna go back to a Justin Bieber concert. You know, even though it's one more song. You know it's not the one more song. You're gonna go back.

You're going to see more songs. You're gonna want to enjoy more songs together. Okay, next one, we've spent too much time on this particular one. Yeah, alright. Not. Do not break up with someone going through a personal crisis. Now, this one's difficult. Avoid a break up if at all possible when someone is dealing with a personal crisis like

a death in the family or an illness. However, if the situation is ongoing, you should consider communicating your feelings so the person doesn't expect to count on your support. And create a deeper bondy. This one's tough. I disagree with that as well. The worst you do too. Let's hear why. I had a buddy. This is going to

sound terrible. I had a buddy who was with someone who had cancer and he was not in law of anymore, and it was like the hot he ended up staying with them for like months because it was like the most tragic thing I've ever heard. But it was tough because he was this this exact scenario where they were together and uh, she's like the cancer came back and then but he like wasn't that close to her, and it was this whole thing and it was just like,

holy sh it, what do you do? Because he obviously didn't want to leave her side, but it was also they weren't doing that well and in a romantic sense. So it's like, anyway, that's the story, So what what was the conclusion of that story? They broke up? That's

that's I mean. Listen, I think crisis are not If you want to break up with someone, you should break up with them, like especially like imagine if you were going through a crisis and then you come and then you get broken up with like six months later, and then you come to find out the only reason that you got broken up with six months later was because the other person felt bad for you going through the crisis. I would just be like angry about that. I don't know,

Maybe maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, I don't agree, because I feel like with cancer, or like somebody who loses a family member, there's no kind of time friend for that. You know, maybe don't break up with them the week that it happens, like some sort often there. But if somebody loses somebody in three months down the road, I mean, that's still like you shouldn't just stay with somebody up to that point. That makes sense kind of what Dean was sign But yeah, with the cancer, I feel like

they did the right thing by breaking up. As horrible, horrible as that sounds, No, I mean, I agree. I think at the end of the day, you gotta it's just tough. Do not break up in the middle of a fight. Never end a relationship in the heat of the moment. You may regret your decision once the argument is over. Yeah, good, duh um, I'll take. I'll take. There's a bear ship in the woods for as Alex no,

that makes sense. Yeah, I guess I don't know. I feel like Abigail and Olla broke up in the middle of a fight though, and here they are thriving, so good for them. Yeah, But I also think like in this like instant they're saying, like in the heat at the moment, like a heat I fight, apparently he's been having like thoughts about it and like it just was like communicated. I feel like that's different and like kind

of building up to it. But like if you're screaming over like somebody knocking the dishes away, and I'm saying, like breaking up, like that's it, that's yeah, thanks true. And I also think too, like if you're getting and fights that often and like your instinctual reaction is to be like we're breaking up, then you've probably been thinking about breaking up with that person for a long time. So um, so yeah, do you do you guys? Watch

Love is Blind. I'm in the middle of the second season. Okay, I'm not gonna spoil anything for you, but there's one I was like everywhere it was entertaining. I like that show, but there was one couple that broke up, and they broke up because the guy got in a fight with there at the very end, like the day before the wedding day, um, and I was like, well, of course he got drunk and like spewed a bunch of nonsense at her. And I was like, well, he's been thinking

this the entire month that they've been together. Um, And he finally just like blurted it all out finally, So how do you think, Like, yoh yeah, super shitty like he So it was a Shane. It was Shane Yes. It was Shane Yes. And Shane is crazy. I mean, I don't know, I don't know, but just like Judge watching him on the show. So I mean I think, like, if you are going to blurt it out and break up with someone in the middle of the fight, it's probably because you've had that that thought cross from mind

at some point as well. Well. And then how they like, can you expect your partner to like stick through the hard times if that's their resort for like a small inconvenience. If we're breaking up, it's like, if it happens down the road, I would have no faith in that person sticking around. It's like super manipulative to to like be like something goes wrong we're breaking up and then things like hell and you feel better and you get back together,

and then the same thing happens over again. Super textbook manipulation. All right. The next one is do not break up in front of other people. This is probably obvious, but don't pull illegally blonde and break up with someone in a restaurant. Breakups can be very emotional, and you need privacy at very least find a quiet area for you to discuss your feelings in private. I would agree with this after going through two breakups on TV around people the least fun thing because you don't know how to

process your emotions. Your people are asking you questions. I don't know. It's just the most uncomfortable thing, So don't do it, Jared, have you ever been broken up publicly? Besides? I didn't. Uh no, I don't think so. Who would break up publicly? Why would you? Like? I guess? Maybe again? See, I think the last two are correlated because if you break up in a public area, then I'm sure you're

breaking up during a fight. The only thing I could think of is that you fight and then you break up, and you weren't expected to break up like who would be like, Okay, I need to break up with Susie, So I think I'm gonna break up with her when we're at dinner with our friends. Like I mean, if you want like the like a control reaction, Like if you're afraid that someone's gonna like lash out, then maybe you are thinking, okay, a kind of people so that way lash out to me. Yeah, that's true, I guess

more of the story. If you feel I feel a lot of these kind of blowback down to what you were saying earlier to Jared. If you feel like unsafe in the relationship, A lot of these kind of maybe don't really apply because like having a control control the area like the restaurant, would be nice to be able to kind of protect yourself a little bit. But yeah, you don't want to break up in the in the back dark alley. Uh. Another one, do not take a break?

Something's interesting. Everyone witnessed what happened to Ross and Rachel and friends, but in all seriousness and never suggests a break. If you feel that you need a break from the person, chances are you want to break up, but maybe may fear being alone. Wait until you're ready to end the relationship, then talk about breaking up. Um, I mostly agree with this. My experience with taking a break is that the relationship is over and we're just um stalling the inevitable, you think.

I disagree. I think you can take breaks healthfully healthily. What's the word healthfully or healthily healthfully? How the hell should I know? I have a wrote on public school system that's healthfully. I think you can healthfully take breaks. You know. I don't think that it's probably a good thing, but I think everyone needs to break every once in a while, you know. But it depends on what you mean by breaks, Like do you mean okay, like can

we sleep without other people? Is it? Oh? I just need a break like a weekend trip to go see my family, and she's like a little space like because Ross and Rachel like obviously that was very confusing on other level. But yeah, I agree with Jared, Like if you're saying like, oh, we should take like a few weeks, like great, that's a break up. Like, well, I guess I guess the question is during the break. I think of taking a break as seeing other people, the relationships

all over. I also agree with that. I think when I think of taking a break, I think it's just like two people, um, like going different directions for like a month and then coming back together and like assessing their emotions. But if you're not not like sleeping with other people, just like going off and doing your own thing for a month, you know, and like maybe like limited contact. But if you're going out and hooking out with other people, that's when I think the relationship should

be um tarnished. All right. Last one of the do not do not stay with someone out of obligation. You might be tempted to back out of breaking up with someone because of anxiety, but that's not in either of your best interests. Never avoid breaking up with somebody because you're afraid of hurting their feelings or afraid of being single. I mean another good uh, like, don't be in a relationship if you're just doing it because you're afraid of being alone and you actually don't want to be with

this person. That's it's bad for everybody involved, and it almost always ends badly. Agree. Um, who who's ever been in a relationship for obligation? You've never been in a relationship where you're just like, well, yeah, I guess that's

a good point. I don't know I guess obligation would what I think of when I hear obligation in this sense would be that you guys have been together for so long, and maybe you own a house together, or maybe you have kids together, and you're like, well, I don't want to be with you, but I feel like we should be together because of these factors. I bet you there's a lot of bachelor relationships that stay together because of obligation a thousand percent. So there you go.

I guess there's a good example of maybe staying together via obligation, although they ultimately end up crashing your burden anyway. So why delay the inevitable? Just you know, get it over with right wait? Trying to make a few more bucks, you know? Oh yeah, I mean definitely, Well, fiduciary obligation is different than like a romantic obligation. I guess, you know, definitely squeeze as much as you can out of the you know, the shilling teat. But I don't know, I

don't know where I'm going on this. The doorball just ranks. I'm a little distracted right now. Who is it? I don't know. I'm not gonna answer it. That's how much I care about this podcast. It could be anyone. It could literally be the mayor of Las Vegas coming to my door with a giant check for two million dollars because I won the powerball and I don't care because um suck armies where my attention belongs. But UM, we're

gonna take one quick break. We're gonna get too emails with Abigail and UM make sure it's stick to the brake and we'll be back. Al Right, everybody, welcome back to help I suck at dating. And as promised, we're gonna get to an email. We got a man emailing us, but I don't know who is going to read this for us. I'll read it. No, no, no, no, no no, we don't want to read it. Maybe Tara or Hannah or even Abigail and she wants to. I'll read the

email from m and uh. I don't know why you don't want Jared to hear the email though, it's all I don't wanted to read it. I just want a new you know, a different voice for a little bit. No whatever, whatever, I'm gonna go back to making coffee, okay, alright. This email from Amanda, she says, after finishing graduate school. In December, I decided to try online dating again. Unfortunate it only a few days into it, I was diagnosed with bells palsy. I decided to be honest with someone

I matched with and told him what happened. Long story short. He told me it was what's on the inside that matters and still wanted to meet, so we made set plans. Unfortunately, he canceled the night before and said, I'm so sorry. I have to help my dad. I hope you don't think I'm a flake. Let's do it next weekend instead. The following weekend didn't work for me, so I asked him about a week day. He didn't respond, and then

I checked and the unmatched with me. Even before the bell's palsy diagnosis, I had troubled young with ghosting guys, Guys who would message for a week but not make plans in bad first dates. I probably want to ten bad dates in a row and don't know how to move forward. How do I break the cycle. That's a tough one because there's a lot to impact there. Bells palsy, for those of you that don't know, is encourages me.

If I'm wrong, I think it's when like half of your face goes Um, not like paralyzed, but it loses like it's muscle composition, right. I was just looking at up because honestly, I've never heard of bills palsy, but yes, it says there's it's when there's sudden weakness in the muscles on one half of the face. It could be a reaction to a viral infection. Um, yeah, that's what it is. So my dad, I think had bells paulsy at one point when I was in high school. I

remember his half of his face went. I thought you had a stroke or something, and that's why it was doing that. And I'm pretty sure he's all better now with it. I don't know, but I've noticed that sometimes in my face, my my facial m expressions don't match, and so I'm worried that I'm getting bills palsy as well. I don't know if that's even possible like thing to happen,

but it's it's a scary thing. So I mean, I commend this girl for, um, you know, fighting through it and going on dates and trying to find the the positive outlook. But like at the end of the day too, I don't think it's really it shouldn't be as big of a deal as it is, right, Like, if you like someone and they like you back, it shouldn't really matter. Um whether you have bells, pausy or not. I mean,

I don't know what do you guys think? UM. I mean I definitely commender for coming out and saying it, because I remember when I was on the Dating Naps before the show, I would never tell guys about my hearing loss. That was just something that was too scary for me to do. So the fact that she's coming

on saying it, I definitely commend her for that. UM. And honestly, the guys kind of sounds like an asshole, just because I feel like he's trying to make it himself feel good by saying, you know, it's what's on the inside that matters, not the outside. But then his actions aren't lining up with what he's saying, So I don't like that he did that. UM. So I'm glad that they didn't go on the day because it just sounds like he's not like a good person to be honest.

But um, in terms of how to break the streak, I just think while Dating Naps are good, like a good way to meet people normally draining, and I feel like they just take a toll on kind of your self confidence and so work and you kind of just become not the best version of yourself to be going on dates with because you're constantly thinking, Okay, I have five dates that didn't go well when I doing wrong.

But maybe with the guys that we're doing something wrong, I think just taking a break doing the things that make you happy, Like just get off the apps for a while, go he now with your French. Just do the things that make you happy, and I think you'll kind of have the energy that will draw people to you. Um. But yeah, I do not miss the dating app oh no, never. And also dating apps they're great and I think they

work for a lot of people. But to Abigail's point, I think if you dish the dating apps and just go do the things that make you happy, you probably would meet someone in person doing those similar things and then like there's your instant um like common ground and like things to bond over and hobbies that you can share together. So I always agree with that too. It's like you know, if you go to church, um and

you have trouble meeting guys on dating apps. Maybe like go to church and try to meet someone at church, or if you like to play golf or whatever, it is like going hikes and you meet some one doing those activities and then you obviously have a shared common ground. So the bell's palsy thing is tricky. You like, obviously there's there has to be like a physical connection, and um, that's that's hard because like that's you know, unpredictable. I guess like it just comes. I mean I don't know,

but I would imagine it just kind of like happens randomly. Um, but it's just I don't know. It's just one of those things you just have to figure out. What Jared, what do you think. I haven't heard your opinion yet. Oh no, I just think if you want to break the cycle, Yeah, you have to break the cycle, like Abigail said, do something different. Uh, you know, you can't really focus your energy on other people's reactions or how they um conductor actions. Just focus on yourself. Uh, try

to be as positive as possible. It's not easy, but um, yeah, if you're looking to break the cycle, because dating apps can really suck sometimes. I think they're wonderful, but sometimes they can be really emotionally draining. Then yeah, break the cycle, don't stop using dating apps for a while. Do something differ And what that is, I'm not sure you know, Amanda, You'll be the one to answer that. Whatever you love doing, like Dean said, go do it and then hopefully maybe

something comes from that. But that's my only advice. And for the record, Amanda, you said at one point guys would message for a week and then not make plans and you have bad first dates. Um, Just for the record, that was also me, Like I was that guy that would talk for a week and then never message back. And I think what it really stems from, it's just an immaturity on the guys. It's nothing to do with you. It's just a the guy is like probably is talking

to too many people on a dating app. Probably is you know, like early to mid twenties or maybe even older. But he's just an asshole and he's immature. So that kind of like again brings it back to what we were talking about earlier, is like, go do the things that make you happy and find a guy that way rather than trying to find a guy in a dating app. That's gonna be flaky and immature, so I hope that helps. Um. Anyways, that's gonna do it for this week's episode of Help

I Suck at Dating. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you Amanda for emailing. UM. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your search for a boyfriend. Keep the emails coming. I Suck at Dating at I heeart media dot com. Tell us all your dating stories and anything if you have any questions, anything like that. Big thank you to Abigail for joining us this week. Abigail, we cannot wait to see more from you. And Noah,

We're waiting on the engagement. Every trip you go on, I'm expecting it to be an engagement, even after you're engaged. You guys are gonna be engaged, and you're gonna go on a trip to Italy and I'm gonna say, are they getting engaged again? Is that going to happen? My rage? Just keep every single take. You're not gonna be able to bend your ring finger at one point, it's gonna be filled with rings. UM. Jared, thank you as always, Hunt and Tart Tara, thank you guys so much too.

Be sure to do your next week where maybe we suck just a little bit less. Follow help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast