Mind Your P’s and Q’s

even being here in the first place. So, Patty, you have a huge audience online and what, like, what exactly do you teach or share with your followers? I teach the truth, and what I teach is really um workplace etiquette, and I teach also social etiquette and financial literacy. And really a lot of my financial literacy is centered around women and dating and relationships. So those are the main

topics that I teach. Okay, gotcha. So it's kind of like you cover a wider spectrum of things when it goes like you said, work, you said, relationships, you said, just like everything throughout the day. What when people come to you asking for advice and for help, Like, what kind of things do they struggle with? A lot of times people come to me struggling with how to handle their finances and relationships. So that's a lot of the

questions that I get. What what is financial etiquette? Then, well, financial etiquette is how the hell you're supposed to act with your finances when you're in a relationship or when you're married. So that's that's really the topics that I get a lot because a lot of people are confused and they put themselves in, especially women, put themselves in detrimental situations because of the way they are with their

finances and relationships. Okay, I feel like you have I know the answer you're going to say to this, But as you're moving in together and like joining finances, what is your perspective on maybe as like a woman is having kids and things like that, as as the relationship is progressing on joining finances is and working from the same bank account, Like, what is your perspective on what we should do in those situations? Yes, so my perspective

is you do not join finances period. So everyone has their own separate account that's where your money goes into. And then what happens is if you'd like to have a joint account that it's for the family expenses, right, so you know the household expenses. Then you can contribute from your own account into that account, but your account is yours. You have complete and utter control over it. Mhm um, Patty, I'm proud to say that's exactly how my girlfriend and I have it set up, very smart.

That's not how my wife and I have it set up. So now I'm curious because we look at it as our finances are together, all of the finances, so we pretty much pull both of our money into you know, one account. I mean we always have multiple accounts. I have accounts, she has accounts, but like she knows how much is in mind, I know how much is in hers were very much an open book. So what would be the cons of that? Why do you feel that

there's a better way of doing it? Because I think that those situations lend themselves to potential times when things go sour in a relationship and you have one account and you sometimes may not have control over what happens

to that money. So let's say, you know, God forbid you and your fiancee or girlfriend whatever you guys want to part ways, right, so one person can take all the money and run if they'd like to, or you really don't have much control over your own money because since it's in that account, you really don't feel comfortable spending it freely liking normally would Jared, what do you think of that? How does that? How does that make

you feel? Well? Okay, here's the question for you. So, if you do have separate accounts, should you know how much is in the other person's account, Like, for example, Dean and Kalen. Dean, you have your own account, Kalin has our own account, but you guys have a joint account. Does Calin know how much is in your personal account? Yes, she knows how much? How much is in my count?

How much I have in stocks and investments? And I would say like every so months, every every few months, or however long we need to wait until we do it again, we would both add like an equal amount into our joint account, which we would use to spend on things like house for renovations and all that kind of stuff. And Patty, do you think that's the way

it should be? Yes? I do, And I think disclosure is really important because some people feel like, oh my gosh, if I don't know how much is your account, you're trying to hide something. So I think just to ease that aspect of it, you should know, um, just what's in the other person's account, and all of your finances together, so you have a big picture of what you can do with your finances. My my biggest thing with it was, uh, it's funny that I'm even saying this too, because my

girlfriend makes a lot more money than I do. So if we did shared it, if we pulled all of our finances into one account, I would be making out like a band that there's no question. Um. But we we always put equal money into our joint account, and then whatever we spend in that account is always on something that benefits both of us equally. It's not like, you know, we're not putting money into the joint account and then going out and buying her a car, me

a motorcycle or something like that. It's always stuff that we're both using equally equal amounts. Um. And it's worked well for us this far. It sounds like that's kind of what you're advocating for as well. Um, but yeah, it's it's definitely. Uh, it's it's been a bit of an adjustment. It's the first time I've ever done anything like this, same with her, So we're just learning it as we go. I guess, so do you guys, Do

you guys contribute the same amount into the account? Yes? Yeah, so I would say like every every like so a few months or like you know, we just got our backyard renovated. Um, so we would put like ten grand each into the account, and then whenever that like depletes too much, we would both put ten morellars more into it,

like that kind of thing. Okay, because I always say that if if people are wondering how much should they put in an account, of one person makes a lot more than the other, you contribute the same percentage of your of your income, so that also levels the plane. I mean again, I would be making out like a bandit if that were the case. And maybe I'll go propose the idea of to Klein and see what she said. Yeah, yeah, um is any what about you? Do you and Nick

have a joint baking Um? Not yet? So right now we're still in the in between. Um so he I we kind of split it where I buy all of the food and the stuff for the house and when we make changes and he handles like the rent push, and so it ends up being like similar down the middle. But that's what we have right now. I think when we get married and um like combined things a little bit more, I think we actually might be in the

more of the Jared family. But um, I still think I would still have my own bank account and my own funds and we would probably contribute. It's a little bit in the in between. But yeah, I think a little bit is the semantics, just for the fact that ironically Ashley and I don't have a joint bank account, um, but we just feel like our bank accounts are joint, even though I have my I have a couple on my own, and then she has a couple on her own.

But it's just like I know how much is in hers, and we always talk about finances, and like I we never talked to finances as if like Okay, this is how much I have in my account, and then this is how much I feel comfortable putting in our joint account. It so it's just like, yeah, I have this amount of in there, and then you have this amount. So we have this amount to spend, and this is how we're budgeting our house and car and living. You know, uh quality and groceries and so on and so forth.

And Uh, I was going to say, well, what would you do if one spouse didn't work so I didn't work, Yes, Like, if you're the only one that we're working, then then how would you handle that situation? I'm I'm assuming the same way where it just be it's our finances, you know. I've always looked at it, Um, I have. So I've seen it both ways. Okay, because it's hard because okay, so full disclosure. So my dad has always worked full time.

My mom hasn't, and there's always been this tension between that um where like it's you know, it's his money and spending it. He's like, what are you doing? List is you know? And so she's always felt inferior and she's always felt insecure about that. Conversely, Ashley's parents, Uh, her dad works full time. Her mom wasn't nurse, but when she had the kids, she ended up being a stay home month so she didn't work anymore. And they've never looked at it that way. It's always been their money.

To the point, I'll tell you a story and I'll make sure that Ashley is okay with me saying this before we put this out into the world. But we went out. The first time I went out to dinner with them, Jay, her dad paid for dinner, and I said, thank you J so much. I really appreciate it because I didn't think twice he paid. And then afterwards, Ashley came up to me and she said, listen, the next

time that happens, it's their money. So you think my mom and my dad, And I'm like, oh, I didn't think about it that way because her mom fell out like she felt inferior, like, oh, well, it's you know, it's our money, not just his. Like we're married, this is a mutual thing. And so looking at it from that aspect and seeing the diconomy between my parents and her parents. If I'm being honest, her parents way has

been much better. Now. Granted that's not for everybody, because, like you said, if it doesn't work out, that's troublesome because then you run into some issues. But I don't know, it's just the way I kind of look at it. Yeah, I just feel like from my experience it's been it's like her parents are rare because you know, I work in a male dominant dominated industry. I'm around men constantly. Okay, And I can't tell you how often I hear um about when you know, when wives don't work, Oh my

wife spent so much of my money. Oh she's out there buying purses. Oh she's this, Oh she's that. And it's always a point of contention, even though they have a lot of money, even though you know money is not an issue, it's never looked upon as her being equal. So you know that, that's been my experience. And I think your wife's parents are great and that's amazing, but I do feel that my experience, that's that's the exception to the rule. Unfortunately. I have a question for you, Patty.

So say, like the wife chooses to stay at home for a period of time, she's not working and she's not making money. I've seen some people talk about like giving an allowance to the wife because even though she's not working, she is technically like doing work. She's stay at home mom. That's a lot of work as well. What would you recommend for those couples who one one person of the couple isn't making money, but the other one is how do you do that and have one

person still have their own bank account? And not combined forces in those cases. Sure, So I just want to start by saying, I think every single woman should work, even if you have kids. I think you should work because that in that way you maintain your power and independence in a relationship. The second that you don't work, you're you're giving away a lot of your power in independence.

Having said that, I know there's some situations where women feel like they want to stay home with their kids, you know, and and and that's okay, I'm not judging that. So in those instances, I think that everyone needs to have or the couple they need to have a conversation around what they feel comfortable or how they feel comfortable handling the finances. So is it a free for all? How much do they feel comfortable each of them spending

and how much is that a week? So I wouldn't really call it an allowance per se, but just a guideline as to this is where we are financially, this is our budget, which I suggest every couple have, and this is how much we can spend on, you know, extraneous things outside of the necessary items that we need for our family. Kah. Yeah, you need to set out the ground rules because otherwise it just can cause a lot of issues. Patty, I got I got a question

for you too, So just to catch you have to speed. Uh, Jared is married, Sydney is engaged, and I am a low life just in a relationship with my girlfriend. Um. I see one of your TikTok videos where you say never change your name when you get married, and I want you to be able to expand on that because I'm curious. Yeah. So, Um, the reason I say that is because we really have to understand where changing your

name comes from. And the only women, the only reason women changed their name when they got married is because they were seen as the property of the man. Women. We were not only able to work, they weren't able to have bank accounts because they're like, well, why do you need money? I mean you're owned by somebody else. And then you know, the man was obligated to take care of his wife, and that's where it comes from. Oh, you know a man is supposed to provide and protect.

That only comes from that notion that he's providing protecting his property, just like he's supposed to provide and protect for his sheep and his cows and any other thing he owns. So um, that's really where that concept comes from. And you know, like when a woman, uh, when women get married, they get walked down the aisle by their dad's their dad is giving them away because before their husbands owned them, their fathers owned them. So that's why I say, there's really no need to change her name

at this point. So it's it's coming from a place of like deconstructing the patriarchy, where which I fully agree with too. And uh, I've said on this podcast, when if and when Kaitlin and I put pen to paper, we are going to change her names, but we're both going to change our last names. So I thought it was gonna be I thought it's gonna be something like, don't lose your identity by changing your name. But I do agree with you, And it's been one of my

big gripes with even just marriage in general. Marriage is great, you know for so many reasons, it's right for so many people. It just seems like such an antiquated ideal idea to me in so many ways, and so I've been fighting it for as long as I can. It's fun, it's fun. I'm eventually gonna lose, but you know, if I'm putting up as good of a fight as I possibly can. Even when you change your name like that, do you guys just pick a new last name or

do you combine your name or how does that work? Uh? Yeah, like what would be like milerked or something like that. Um, well, now we both agreed. So my late mother's last name was Bell, her maiden name was Bell, uh, and so he would beat Dean Bell and Kaylin Bell like that. And it's funny too because my brother married his wife last year and they both did the same thing. So

now he's Brad Bell and she's Ashley Bell. Um. So in a way, we are taking my last name, I guess, but we're both changing our last names for my mother's maid a name like that that. Um are you are you excited to lose Lutwaco? Um? I just kind of like how the names how Sydney Weeby sounds. I see it as less of like me being owned by Nick and more of just like a closing of one chapter and like a starting of another, in a way, less like ownership. But I mean, I know everyone's different with this,

and everyone has their own way of going about things. Um, I'll still have like my last name in my name, just not like my last last name. So is it going to be Sidney Lutwaco. I think it'll be like my whole name, just like inserting. We be at the end, just rearranging some things. Yeah, yeah, nice Patty. Another question for you, So we're all that etiquette um over here, what do you what's your stance on and on the etiquette of one guy dating thirty women on national television.

I just think it's so absurd advice. I mean, it's it's not as anything with being a guy or a woman. I I just think all of that is so absurd because at the end of the day, I mean, you just cannot find love in those instances, you know, you it's so fabricated, and trust me, you know I get on TV and whatnot, and just the preparation that goes into that alone, everything is just so stage that you

you can't find love. I mean, it's just ridiculous. You see, you know, him kissing like ten women or her kissing like ten dudes. Come on, I mean, hey, I agree, you're preaching preaching of the choir over here. Let's evolve from that, you know, yes, yes, So Patty, I want to ask about your etiquette about dating etiquete, because obviously we're a dating podcast. Is there any data to kit

that's normal in today's standards that shouldn't be. I'm trying to think of an example, like guys paying for the first date or um, something like that. Yeah. I think one thing that everyone thinks as normal is that the guy should pay for all the dates. You know. I I watch a lot of TikTok just because I'm on TikTok and there are so many of those videos. I am a queen. Guy has to pay for the date, you know, and I need to be treated like a queen.

And again that comes from that notion of ownership is to you know, a man has to pay for you because you know, he is supposed to be your owner. And we've been kind of brainwashed into thinking that. So as far as etiquette itself goes as far as dating, whoever asks pays. So if the guy asks the girl out, then he should pay. And if the girl wants to ask a guy out, I think it's okay if she pays. UM. I don't think there should be gender roles because once

you get to general roles like that it. It just becomes kind of tricky because you'll get to a point where the guys always paying for everything. And I always say, he who controls the gold makes the rules. So if a guy is always paying for everything, he is going to have a lot more say so and where you go, where your vacation, what you eat, and you'll slowly start to see you have less less say so in the relationship because yeah, naturally he's paying, he gets to pick.

So how do we break out of those, uh that gender role dating etiquette? Because I have a lot of friends that are girls and I constantly hear them say like, this guy is just not asking me out. And then I say, well, why don't you ask him out? And they're like, well, I'm I'm not the guy. The guy needs to ask the girl out. So how do we break out of this? I think again, we have to understand the mentality that goes behind it. And I use

this for it a lot, but it's true. It's the brainwashing of thinking that you know, a man's role is X and a woman's role is X, and we we know where that comes from, we know we know why we're thinking that way, and because of that, we just need to just be courageous. If you want to ask a guy out, ask a guy out. I I don't think I don't think we should be afraid to do that. Now. The right guy is not going to be turned off by that. Okay. The guy that's right for you is

not going to be turned off by that. A guy that's not right for you is going to be turned off because, like, I don't want a girl asking me out. I want to do all the asking out. Okay, he can find someone that you can ask out. I agree, Patty. I feel like we're I feel like we should be best friends because I agree with everything you say and everything every time you say something, I'm like, Yep, she's nailed it again. Um. But Patty, before we let you go, though,

I've got some questions. So you said you're big on TikTok, and for the listeners out there that want to go follow you on TikTok, your handle is it's the It's Duchess of Decorum. Duchess of Decorum. Okay, I love that. Where did you come up with that? By the way, Actually, the fans started calling me that, you know, Yeah, They're like, oh, you teach decorum Oh, you're like a duchess and it just kind of, yeah, it just kind of stuck. It's stuck.

What's your what's your take on etiquette with like TikTok, Because especially when it comes to like posting thirst traps and stuff, there's like a whole side of TikTok where it's like so cringe e and awkward and just watching

it kind of makes you feel uncomfortable. What's your Like, Let's say you meet someone you really like them, and then you go on their social media and you see that they're like kind of one of those people that post like a lot of like shirtless there's there's traps and that kind of stuff, and you don't really vibe

but that. What's your take on that? Well? Yeah, I I think I think what's on someone's social media tells you a lot about them, tells you so much and tells you, you know what, whether they're the type of person that you want to be with or not, because um, if yeah, the thirst traps and if someone's there with you know, dressed in a way that that you think is inappropriate, that's not the person for you and you And as a creator, I am always conscious of what

I put out there because um, you everyone's watching. Everybody's watching. You don't put anything on social media that you don't want the world to see, including your boss or the CEO of your company. Because I can't tell you how many people get fired because of that. They you know, they don't know their social media policy at work, They go on TikTok, they say and do stupid stuff, and um,

you know, and their their company season fires them. And I think what a lot of people fail to realize too when they start dating someone that's got like a cringe e for lack of a better words social media is you start talking and dating that person, then that becomes kind of like a reflection of you in a lot of ways too. So something seriously absolutely, they're like, oh, you're dating this person? Are you serious? He hasn't worn a shirt and three years right exactly. Um, Patty, Well,

thank you so much for joining us. We appreciate it. I feel like we have so much left to learn from you still. Um, if you want to learn more from Patty be shure checker out on TikTok. Justice Duchess of Decorum. Um, I love that and I think it's so great. Is there anything else you want to say before we let you get out of here, Just that in dating and relationships, always maintain your power and independence, which stems from financial independence. I always know that that's genius.

You're you're like I said, I want to be your best friend. I hope that we can hear from from that. You just got one new TikTok, well three new TikTok followers, Sydney and jaredy are going to join you too. But we appreciate you joining us. Um this, I had a lot of fun. Thanks for the next time. All right, I have a good day. All right, everybody, welcome back to help by second dating. We didn't get to any emails last episode. Um, I think it was last episode.

We're doing multiple episodes a week now, so I don't really know how these get ordered. But we're gonna do an email now. So if Eastern is there, if hannas there, maybe Sidney wants to read the email for us, who knows, but we got one. Unlet's see if you can get to it, anyone, anyone. I'll read it, Jared, I'll read it.

I'll read it. I'll take it. All right. So this is from anonymous shocking I'm pretty sure this is from a producer because it said it would be so much fun to ask these during the podcast and get everyone's opinion whether they think it's true or false. That's right, We're gonna play a little true or false here, which means next week we should do what is the hamma saying not true? Bible? Bible Bible. Oh wow, apparently this is real. A producer saying this is a really email. Well,

thank you help. I suck at dating podcast listener. Someone else wants to send an email, and where do the email? They can email us at all. I suck at dating at ihart media dot com. That is right, I suck at dating at I heart media dot com. Shout out to also the very very nice lady. I think her name was Alex, and her boyfriend or a husband, I can't remember him, so I have such a bad memory. They came into the coffee shop and they said they're part of farm May. They listen to the podcasts all

the time, so I love them so much. Thank you so much. All right, let's get to this email true or false? First one, Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, where the hell is it? Hold on, I'm scrolling. Here we go. False. Jealousy is a sign of love. Uh, I would say little rapid fire here. False. False, It's definitely false. I think we're all on the same page and his one true or false opposites attract false. Oh so I'm the deciding vote on this one. This one

is true. I'm with Sydney because I think opposites attract. I think the same people attract. I think just people are attracted to other people. That's false, that's true. No, because obviously that's yeah, so true, opposites do at tract, but also the same can attract. That was a question. We're talking about magnets. Yeah, of course opposite magnets attract. For sure. That's fine. But I would say, generally a rule of thumb, it's not just because your opposite doesn't

make you attract. Yeah. Do you think you're opposite of Kalin? Yeah? I am. But I don't think we're attracted to each other because we're opposites. I think we're attracted to each other for many other for the fact that we're opposite of each other almost like pushes us apart, but everything else brings us closer together. Yeah, but you're still attracted to one another and your opposites he opposite. That's what I'm saying. We didn't say it didn't say opposites are

attracted to other opposites because they're opposite. It just said opposites tract. I'm saying, we're attracted to each other in spite of our opposition and many things. Dean, there's no reason to fight. You lost two to one. Here we go. Divorce. Oh, divorce runs in the family. Oh. People say that a lot. I would say true. Yeah, I would say true too. And and the only reason I want to say true,

I don't think it's like an hereditary thing. But I will say, uh, if you're brought up seeing things a certain way, it's kind of hard to kick those habits the older you get. Yeah, you can, but you can't. Of course, you absolutely can't. That's very Just because it runs in the family doesn't mean you have to be a productant divorce as well. True. False. Intense passionate romantic love lasts no more than a few months to a year.

I think true. Because you don't want it to be like that hot and heavy forever, like you want like groundedness. You want to get in, get out and get on it your day. Yeah, I feel like those tend to burn out quicker when I like that. So you're going true said, yeah, I want to say it's false with shades of true, Like it's kind of like it comes and goes in waves. You know, I'm gonna say false just so my wife doesn't divorce me. True love should be easy and effortless. True false false false did not

agree on this one. It's just a guy thing and maybe yeah maybe, I mean it's hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not true love. I'm thinking from the dating perspective of like everyone thinking like there should be games and like the playing, and I just found like one something's right. It's easier than those things. But yeah, every relationship is definitely going to be interesting. And I agree with you in the in the early stages it

should be effortless. But I think once you get to a certain point, it's like, well, you're gonna have your issues, and if you don't put the effort into making it work, it's not gonna work. But I see you probably do agree with you true and false. Kissing is more important for a healthy relationship than sex. Uh, that's so hard. True. To be careful on how we answer this one. I think true as well. Think about it. Let's ask you this. This goes to both you guys, if you could know,

I'm not gonna ask it. Actually what I was I was gonna say, if you could either, if you could either kiss or have sex with your partner for the rest of your life, one or the other, not both, which one would you have? I would say kiss, because you can kiss every place. Now that's thinking outside the box. I was gonna say kiss as well, and so that's why kissing might be more. Okay, that's a good way

to ask it. Then. Yeah, yeah, Dean always coming in with very smart I would agree kissing is more important. That says true or false. Men fall in love faster than women. I don't know, guys, I think, well, we've all seen The Bachelor. It seems like they fall faster. This, guys suck true. I mean that's true, that's true. I think it's funny because I think in both mine and Jared's cases it was the girl falling faster, but the men eventually falling just as hard as the girl did initially.

So maybe that's why we were speaking from experience. Yeah, it's hard to say. That's hard to say, but I'm going with false, next true or false three more. There's no love like your first love, of I mean true, this is my first love. I know. Yeah, Jared, what do you say? I don't know, I get I'm going to say true because it says that your first love is there's no love like your first love. That doesn't

mean that there's not better love. Exactly. My love for Ashley is better, but it is very different than the one I had with my first love. And that's exactly where I was gonna go with it too. No one will ever replace my first love, of course, because you can't replace your first love, but I would say my love with Caylen is better than my first love. Relationship weight gain is a thing false. I was gonna say, Sydney, I feel like you like look you look fantastic, even

a relationship with for how long. And it's funny because Caylin has only gotten way more attractive since we started doing too, so like for a girl. Maybe it's not the case, but I don't know. I think the happier. I'm just like, it's glowy. I don't know that helped me, but I think it can be true or false, depending on it. I think it's true for men false for women. The women get prettier and the men get fatter and uglier. Beautiful, you look more handsome than I've ever seen you look

in your entire life. Today. Now I'm blushing. When I was single, when I would go to the gym, I would force my self go to the gym because I was like, no one's gonna want to date you're fat ass, So I would like shame myself. But now I'm happy in a relationship, so I'm like, she loves me. Whether I have seventy two chocolate bars or not, I might as well just have them and enjoy my life. Right, My biggest thing is now that I'm in a relationship.

Kaitlin only eats half of her food all the time, and so I'm eating my full meal and then half of her meal, and so of course I'm gonna put on weight. Yeah, I can see that. That's a fair point, alright, true last true or false? Doves does absence make the grow under? True? I agree that is a entry. Uh and that's gonna do it for this anonymous email? So whoever said this? Because apparently you are a very real human being and listener to this podcast. Thank you so much.

That was a great email. Please send more emails like this too. I Suck at Dating at I Heart media dot com. That was a lot of fun and I think that's gonna do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck a Dating. Right, Team, That is going to do it for this week's episode, Right Sydney, Thank

you guys so much for tuning in this week. If you haven't already, go back and listen to our first episode of the week, where we talk all about Sydney's new engagement to her incredible fiance Nick uh And we talked a little bit about Aaron Rodgerson where we want him to end up, which is definitely Denver. Maybe a little bit about Tom Brady too if you're lucky. But that's gonna do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck At Dating. Thank you so much for tuning in.

Be sure to tune in next week where maybe we suck just a little bit less. Follow help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast m HM