Marriage Boomers

from Bachelor in Paradise, Canada. Um, But this week we have Jackie Dorman, who is the author of Married in Twelve Months or Less. She's going to be joining us shortly. Stay tuned and we'll get right into that. All right, Welcome back to Help I Suck at Dating, Dean, myself, Angela, and we are joined by a very special guest with a brand new program called Married in Twelve Months or Less, which answers a lot of questions we get better than Dean and I ever could It is Jackie Dorman. Jackie,

thank you so much for joining us. How are you? I'm great, I'm so excited to be here. I told my I told my middle daughter that I was coming, and she's like, Mom, you have no idea that this is so exciting. So I'm really excited to be here. Trust us, when you report back to her about how exciting it was, you're gonna be like it was nothing special, Like these guys are lame. Angela was cool. They're fun,

they're fun. Um. So you are a relationship coach. Uh, and you have a brand new program out that is called married in twelve months or less? Uh? Can you do that? That's my first question. If somebody joins this program, are they going to get married in twelve months of less? Not even I'm not talking about engaged or finding sniffag other married ring on it down the altar, paperwork signed, paperwork signed, for sure, contracts signed. No, yeah you can.

And one of the things that I learned, because I've been a matchmaker all of my life, and one of the things that I learned is I researched really good marriages because you can do this in twelve months or less really badly, Like there's two types of marriages that happen fast bad toxic codependent ones and really, you know, undeniably divine, you know, serendipitous, amazing ones. And so what I learned about really good marriages is that most of them the people met and got married in four months

or less. H I know that's really hard because like this culture is like whoa, you gotta date for five years? I gotta make sure. It's like the cheesecake Factory menu. Do I really want the avocado egg rolls? Because this menu is so large? Maybe I want something else? Yeah? Maybe I just want chicken fingers. Yeah maybe. And so it's like because I think because of modern media, we have all these options, and it caused it causes analysis

paralysis is what it causes. So I help people get out of their own way, get out of the waiting room, and really step into these amazing part ownerships where they can do incredible things together. It's really cool. Okay, I've got a question. I Uh. I've always had an issue with people that prioritize a relationship over finding the right partner. So when I hear get married in twelve months or less, what I process as hearing is forget about everything you

want and needing a partner. We're gonna get you married, and it might not be to the person in your dreams, but you're gonna be married. That's how I that's how I like have a reaction to it. So I would love to be convinced otherwise, you know, for sure. And I do have I do have clients. I do have matchmaking clients that are like that. They just don't want to be alone. They haven't done the heart work. I call it the heartwork, and they are prior they are

prioritizing that for sure. Um, but there's other people that you know, they know that this is the maturity plan for mankind is relationship, and they're ready to you know, I call it it's a yes until it's to know. They're ready to get out there, start dating. It's a discovery process, not just to get even know the other person by getting to know yourself. And they want to find the person that you know, they can partner with long term. And so yeah, I definitely have people that

are prioritizing just being in any old relationship. But that's not what we do here for sure. Gotcha nice? Well that's good to hear because it scares me. It scares me when people because I, you know, I have friends that are like that too, And and we even just talked about it earlier on this podcast, to like these serial daters where they like they have no sense of self and they just want to jump from a relationship the next until they find the relationship that like sticks

long enough to get married. And I mean, granted, you know, who am I to say what works for people and what doesn't work for people. But to me, it just seems, um, it just seems scary to me. So that's that's what I'm glad you cleared up because that makes a lot more sense to me. Now, Yeah, we don't want to do scary relationships. Um. We we differentiate between soulmates and spirit mates here, so you know, soul mates there their first season and a reason. A lot of times you

have a lot of chemistry with those people. A lot of times you're dating them out of a deficit of your own. So you have some sort of deficit and they're filling it. It's kind of like the contract of I'll give you this if you give me that, and they have no longevity. Soul mates, if that's the only plane that you're connecting on, there's no real longevity there. Even if it lasts for ten years, it's gonna end eventually. Um,

but spirit mates are another thing. It's like we have the soul realm, chemistry and connection, but when we come together, something magical is going to happen where we're gonna like be on assignment like some kind of destiny DNA. We're going to change the world together and that's going to keep us going long after the soulmate stuff fizzles out. And that's really what we specialize in, is helping people find that ride or die person where it just keeps

getting better and better and better. So spirit made is like the evolved form soulmate. Gotcha totally. I have a question when you're talking about and I get like, yes, stuff fizzles out. Why do you think stuff does fizzle out just like the it just happens all the time and it just gets boring Or why why do you think things fizzle out? Well, it goes back to that

Heartwork that we were talking about earlier. And I actually have another book besides the one that just came out called Heartwork, and it's it's just about you know, I have this, I have this deficit, I have this whole and I'm trying to I'm trying to put a human person in and I'm trying to fill it with something other than what's inside of me, and eventually you realize it doesn't work. It works for a minute, those contracts are valid for a minute of your giving me this,

I'm giving you that. But pretty soon maybe I outgrow that, maybe I don't need that anymore from you. You're still trying to give it to me, but I no longer want it, Or what really happens a lot of times is you no longer giving it to me, and I still think I need it, so I'm gonna go find it in somebody else instead of finding it in myself. Right, So that's what happens, and its it comes down to attachment style. It comes down to you know, childhood trauma.

Trauma doesn't just hurt us, It actually creates different versions of us, and those different kind or if it, versions of us, really can't fall deeply in love because we're always going to try to be evolving to our highest self. Does that make sense? Yeah, I guess it's kind of like the saying it's you can't love somebody else until you love yourself first. It's so that is it's cliche, but it it really is. Yeah, Well, there's a reason it's a cliche because it's true. Um yeah, do you

believe in the phrase when you know you know? I think that it does happen. I think that some people get like the moment and they just know. But how can you tell how can you tell the difference between a soul mate and a spirit mate? There there's a lot of different criteria of a spirit mate versus a soulmate relationship. But they make you better. They bring out parts of you that you didn't even know existed. A lot of times something will unstal and unlock that you

never even knew you wanted to do. When you're with this person and you know they have like they have this thing and it's it doesn't mean it's easy. I really want to emphasize that. A lot of times people are like, oh, this is the right person for me. We're just gonna get along. It's gonna be so easy. It's gonna be amazing. Uh yeah, it should. It shouldn't be like fighting and and terrible and you're just making it through it. But just because it's easy doesn't mean

that that's the right person for you. It doesn't have to be easy to be worth it, and so spirit maids are not necessarily easy relationships. Sometimes they refine us more than any other relationship, but they're just making us better, constantly making us better. I really I believe that relationship is is the maturity plan for for humans. I believe

that we're here to love and be loved. That that's really the magnum opus of our lives, is to learn how to love and be loved and learn how to come into deeper and deeper into me sy intimacy with each other. Okay, I mean, I agree. I think that it's important, and it's it's weird that we never are like really taught about that. And I know you talked a little bit about childhoods and its stuff like that, um and how they you were saying they don't have a huge impact or they have a refresh my memory,

real kick what you said about that. I think the childhoods have a lot a lot of emphasis and impact on attachment. UM. You know, I came into the world running for my life. My my childhood was like a national geographic documentary, you know, where all the predators are lurking in the grass and the mothers just trying to give birth. To the baby. But as soon as the baby's out, it's like kicking the baby, Like get a baby, you gotta run. All these things are trying to eat you.

And so that was my childhood. So I came out of the womb running for my life. And the only type of heart that I ever saw was a broken heart. And so it really does affect you when you hit puberty and you're coming into this romantic realm and who you choose. So okay, So that's that's kind of what I thought you were saying too, And I agree with you entirely. I know that my attachment style is avoidant based off of just the way that I was brought up,

um and all this all that stuff. But why don't we put more of an emphasis on on like teaching children like the proper ways to like express the way that they love other people? You know? I feel like there's you go to school and you learn math and science and history, Like, why don't we teach that more often? I feel I feel like that could benefit us better. I agree, Yeah, absolutely, an ounce of preventions worth a pound of cure. The reason why we don't teach that

is because, quite frankly, very few people know it. Most people are just you know, they're just operating at this very surface level in this counterfeit, like they don't even know the real them. They're not going to be able to teach anyone else how to to go to those deeper levels. So that's just where we are. Well, that's why we have people like you out there that it just it thinks that we have to come into we come into adulthood and then we have to decide for

ourselves that we want to learn. It just can't be like ingrained in SS children. Uh, and like people that come from broken homes, like you're not gonna get it anywhere else. Like if you come from broken home, you just have to figure it out later in life. And you're just kind of screwed. And that's what you're that's the hand youred delt um. But I guess you know, maybe one they thinks will be different. But okay, So I got a question. So you're married, right, you've got

a husband, David. Did you guys get married until months or less? How did that relationship? We did? Actually, so I was married before I was married for twelve years, I got divorced. It was it was a very tragic marriage. In fact, for anyone who's listening, a lot of times divorces are more like rescue missions, and my divorce was definitely a rescue mission. I was not going to survive it mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually if I stayed in that situation.

And then before the ink is even dry on the dissolution papers, I'm like the least likely candidate for romance. I walk out into my front yard and I meet my spirit mate, and so listen, people need to know that you're not going to be all the way healed when you meet people. You're not going to have it all together. There's no ducks in this story that are in a row. There's no ducks in a row in this story. And so I walk out, and people like, Oh, that's so easy. I wish that could happen to me. Um,

there's more to the story. I walk out into my front yard and I yelled at the man who is now my husband. I mean literally tore his head off, because earlier that week I had gotten an email saying that a sex offender had moved into our neighborhood. And I just put one in one equals two together. Hey, new guy, sex offender. I have a five year old daughter. Bro, I see you, I know who you are. You better back away and make sure that you're not coming over

my property line. Right. That's how we met. Classic love story right there, right. Thank god that someone who didn't have my blind spots because I was in a total fear response. I was living in a fear response all the time because of everything that I've been through in that marriage before. And another lady, another neighbor, was standing there and she was watching, you know, this crazy thing that I did, and she's like, what's wrong with you? And she literally was like what's wrong with you? And

I was like, he's the sex offender. Didn't she get the email? And she's like, I got the email. He's not the sex offender. She's like, I talked to him for an hour yesterday. He's a school teacher. It was really funny. But thank god my big head got another chance because we became friends and then in eight months we became married. Is your actual neighbor? Yes? Oh, She's like, thinking, who that's next door to me? Yeah? Come on, come on, okay, got you so? Okay? So did the program come after

you had met your now husband? The twelve months or less. Oh yeah, we've we've been married for fifteen years. Okay, got you nice school. Congratulations and that obviously that's definitely worth celebrating. Um, it worked out right. Do you recall a lot from your personal experience then when you like work it into the class. Now, I don't want to call it a class, but like the program. I guess, yeah, my my new book that's out married in twelve months

or lass. Um, there's a lot of personal antidotes in there. I've always been a matchmaker. I need to say this. Outside of the program. I've helped inside program, I've helped thousands of people do heartwork, get healing, get ready for relationship. I've helped hundreds of people get engaged and get married. Okay, So for those of you asked earlier, is it possible? Yes, it's very possible, and it happens, and these are good marriages,

These are really good matches. But even before that, even though I was struggling in my own love life, I've always been the matchmaker. I've helped fifteen of my friends get married and people, I mean, if they if my friends see me coming, they're like, oh my god, who is she going to fix me up with what's going to happen? And out of those fifteen marriages, only one got divorced, and they really didn't need to. They just didn't have good information, like they needed better information to

keep going. Would you say it's when you're getting all your friends engaged, your your your clients. Is it more about them? Uh? How do I when you're when you're playing hitch Is it more about finding the right person for them? Or is it more about the work afterwards? If that makes sense? Yeah, you know, is it like, oh, they meet this person, it's all gonna work out, it's gonna be fine. Or is it more of an ephicis of like yeah, I found you pretty much the right person,

but now the real work begins now totally? Um, yeah, a lot of the healing that happens. You know, we can only do so much healing on our own, you know, no matter what seminars or books or therapy. So many of my clients were in therapy for decades, and they got so much more like a tipping point of of actualization after coming and working with me in my program. So so much healing comes after we're in these intimate relationships because we're accessing parts of our heart that we

just can't access outside of relationship. There's there's things that are not going to ever come up until you really are forced to let someone in and then that stuff starts coming to the surface. I call it a revealing for healing, and that's when a lot of these people go deeper and deeper into their own healing, whether it's from childhood or from previous relationships. Inside of these relationships, that's where that happens. And um, and it's good. It's

a good type of healing. UM. A lot of times people think, oh, we're supposed to be totally perfect when we meet the person. That's not going to ever happen. Every single person has yellow flags. Everybody has yellow flags. You're never going to meet someone who doesn't have an area where they're still in process. They're still working on it,

they haven't arrived yet. And so if you're in a trauma response yourself, you're probably gonna escalate that yellow flag to a red flag and you're gonna cut and run before you ever give yourself a chance to get to know this person. And they might have been amazing, but yeah, they have some issues, but so do you. But then if you're in like a victim kind of counterfeit identity where you just don't care. You're driving your little wrecked

up car into all the other cars. You're just swerving into the lanes even though you have blind spots, you're going to minimize those yellow flags into green like it's okay. These are the people that's Facebook status changes like every other week. In relationship, out of relationship. It's complicated because they don't care. They're just running headlong in. They're not even paying attention to the flags at all, and so

everyone has yellow flags. But like I said, a lot of those a lot of those areas can really be worked through in good relationship. It's just about being self aware. Then totally, I have to ask, seeing how you brought it up because we talked about it last podcast, what the hell does it's complicated mean as a relationship status on Facebook? It's complicated means that I'm complicated. It means that my heart is not healed and um, I'm rebounding with no new information or no new healing. Right. So

are they single? It means that they should be single because they need to still work on their heart. But they're not. I was being selfish if I was dating someone and their relationship satus was. It's complicated. It's over. Now are all of you are all of you in relationship. We're all happily taken, which is a bummer because I feel like it'd be awesome to be able to have you help us. Uh, you know, meet a perspective partner.

Not a bummer. I take back the verbage I chose, but you know what I'm saying, like, there's gonna have to be a sacrificial lamb on this podcast. Unfortunately, someone has to take one for the team. But I guarantee that all three of you, in the relationships that you're in, you had to work through some stuff. Yeah, all the time, every day. Well, so here's a question for you, Jack, Yeah,

all right, Well that's it for me. I did want to ask you this because you said that most successful marriages are people that get married within four months of dating. You said you're friends with your husband for eight months? How so what what was the hold up for being friends? And then secondly, how long did it take for you to get engaged after you guys started dating? Great questions, So I should just clarify when I was researching kind

of those bygone era marriages. Okay, so like the old fashioned marriages, the four months or lass, that's where that's coming from. You know, these marriages that have lasted for four or five, six, seven decades, Like, what did they all have in common? They all got married in four months or last I'm like, whoa, what the heck? Right, that's really fast. But what I also realized is that in that bygone era, there was something called community based matchmaking.

And that's what I'm calling it. Where you married like the girl from high school, or the your brother's best friend from you know, from his baseball team, or just someone from your community, someone that you knew, And that is really what's missing. And that's what we do at M twelve M it married in twelve months or less. We utilize and leverage that six degrees to Kevin Bacon, that that six to that six degrees of separation, which just says that we're six people away from knowing everyone.

We leverage this community to introduce people to people that maybe they don't know, but other people know. And so I met my husband, I yelled at him. We became friends, became car pool buddies, like driving the kids to and fro because he had a nine and eleven year old I had a five year old. And then four months in he said, you know, if I ever get remarried, I don't think I'm gonna have to look very far. And I'm like, he likes me. Yeah, what a line, right,

And I was like whoa. And then that's when the heart wounds the roosters came home to roost, because as soon as I realized this guy was looking to be like that, I was like, oh no, no, hell no, it's not gonna have in here. And so I was scared, and I kind of for a few weeks it was like I don't know about this. But within four months from then we were engaged. We were all engaged for eighteen days and then we got married. Here is the

really cool thing. He was my neighbor. But two years before I met him, I was at an outdoor event and they had this big jumbo tron and they had these pranked videos of there's the people that worked at this organization. They had pranked their staff, you know, like punked with Ashton. And so I'm watching this pranked video and I feel really drawn to this guy, and not because he's hot, not because I'm like, yeah, I was still married at the time. Even I was just like,

I know this guy. I went to school with this guy something. He's just so familiar to me. Fast forward two years met him, is my neighbor. We get married in eight months. Don't remember that video. And then after we get married, we're moving. We like moved right after we got married, and he pops his VCR tape in it's that video two years before I met him. I'm like, oh my god, that's I was so drawn to you. It was just really crazy. And you know what, we

ended up having so many mutual friends. That's why I was at that event in the first place. And so so often my my clients, especially for matchmaking, they've just been ships kind of passing in the night all along, and it's really cool to watch that happen. Yeah, I think that's funny. You're like, oh, fact, I was watching this video fast forward. I thought this guy was a sexual predator, and then he became my husband for sure. Like I didn't remember at all when I first met him.

It wasn't until I saw the video again and I was like, whoa new memory unlocked. Do you find yourself having more pressure when you set up like a friend or an acquaintance and when you would like a client or something. For sure, there's definitely yeah. I mean you're there's more personal attachment to that. I actually just set up I had a good friend who passed away at forty six from cancer. I just set up her husband. Um, she's been gone, she's been you know, she's been passed

away for three years now. I just set up her husband and they're actually engaged in getting married in May. And that was super. That was like I felt like she was like yeah, Like I felt like she was in agreement with that. It was really it was really exciting. Wow. Yes, well much Jackie. Before we let you go, I got one question for you. So obviously a lot of our listeners this podcast, they listen because they look for advice.

They for some reason trust mine and Jared and Angeli's opinion for some reason, which is weird because they should trust your opinion more than anything else. So, what what's one piece of advice you could give our listeners who are feeling like scared or hesitant, especially like to get

back out their post pandemic. Yeah. I think that I think that, you know, the pandemic just like the like the wars, the World Wars, like after the after the World Wars, after that crisis, that human crisis, we had a baby boom, right because people were craving intimacy and sex um. But then after the pandemic and we've been in isolation, you know, we're we're realizing how lonely we really are because of you know, out this this for sabbatical,

this time of distraction being minimized. And so I think that the pandemic is actually giving birth to a marriage boom. I really think it is, and I'm witnessing it myself. And so my advice to all your listeners would be, you know, just just be willing to put yourself out there. You know, just be willing to put yourself out there. You know, dating should be fun. I know a lot of people hate to date, but it's a it's a

self discovery process. It's not really about necessarily getting to know that person as much as it's about getting to know yourself, because the people that you choose to spend your time with, that tells you a lot about yourself. And if you'll be really self aware, you'll you'll learn a lot through this process and it will lead you even faster to the person that's right for you. Nice, I love it. Great advice. Uh it sounds like business

is booming, which is amazing. Uh So for anyone that's interested in joining your program, where can they find you? They can find my book just came out called Married twelve Months or Last Claim your Love Life, Heal your Heart and unlock the secret defining your spirit Mate. They can find that anywhere books are sold, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, any place. And then to join my program, it's love stories dot com. Love stories dot com. Yeah that is cute. Get that? Yeah, I feel like correct it is. It's

prime real estate. It actually was purchased by my partners, like I think maybe ten plus years ago. So see how it all just comes together, Genie, it's like the park place of you are l s. Yeah. Nice, Nice, Well, Jackie, thank you so much for joining us. Um we can't wait to hear more from you and see you put together more couples, and who knows, maybe in twelve months we'll see a lot more married couples come out of this. So thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Thanks,

thank you, Hie. I thought Angela closes us. Yeah, well, I say anything that comes to your mind, Say whatever you want to say, randall on for as long as you want. The only thing you need to say at the very end is be sure to tune in next week, because maybe we'll suck just a little bit less. That's what the listeners. They yearn for it. They don't tune in for anything other than here. And I say that at the end of the podcast, So tune in next week and maybe we'll suck a little bit less on it.

However you want, pressure of pressure clear my throat, y'all? All right, okay, ready, alright, alright guys, thank god, I can't do We're keeping this whole thing in. This whole thing stays in, alright, I got it, all right, guys, thanks for listening to this podcast. I am so thankful to have been a guest with Jared and Dean and it was so much fun talking to Jackie about her new book, Married in twelve Months or Less. Make sure you tune in next week to listen, and maybe we

will suck a little bit less at dating. Yeah, Rush, that was glorious kill in the game, follow help by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast