Make it or Break It with Dr Nicole LaBeach

Now you will know her. She is the master relationship coach on the Oprah Winfrey Networks hit television show Put a Ring On It. She is also the author of the book A Woman's True Purpose, Live Like You Matter. Great title right there, it is Dr Nicole Beach. Doctor. Thank you so much for joining us. How are you. I'm a fantastic guys. How are you? We're doing well. So we were talking about the TV show Put a Ring On It? Can you tell us a little bit more about First of all, Put a Ring On It?

Such a great title? Uh? And what this you know? Social Experiment TV show is all about? Well, it's about couples that have been together for a while and they lived together and they're in relationship and they're trying to figure out should they go their separate ways or should they put a ring on it? And um, they do this experience while dating other people. I love it. It sounds like a little like the ultimatum. So but it's different deemed than the ultimatum. Oh my gosh, it's so different,

but I get it. But so it's it's maybe like a less insane version of the ultimatum. Yeah, the ultimatum is it's interesting, but I think ours is definitely more on the practical side of helping people figure out. You know, are they trying to water the grass on their side of the fence and nurture what could be? Or are they one foot out the door and need to make a different move. So what makes a couple um know that, Like, for example, all these couples go on the show, they

know what they're they're getting themselves into. So what would be some signs of a relationship that that people should be aware of that would make them decide, Hey, listen, you know we're kind of in a make it or break it stage at this point communication. You know, what does that look like? Because you know, people talk often

about um ultimatums and things of that nature. But really those things don't really exist if you're communicating and you're being clear about what you want, where you see yourself going, and where you see yourselves going in the relationship. It's when those conversations aren't being had, or when one party doesn't want to believe where the other person is coming from if it doesn't align with where they want to go, that's when it gets a little difficult. That makes sense.

So when you introduce somebody else into your relationship, which is what this show does, because it's like, hey, we're going to try to date other people and see if we should either put a ring on it or if we should go our separate ways. Do you think that's beneficial all the time? Um? I guess. My My question is like, if I was going through issues with my wife Ashley, serious issues to the point where we were like, hey, listen, we might not make it or we should be like

fully invest in this relationship. Man, The idea for me of like introducing a new person into this relationship, I can't imagine how it would work after that. I gotta be honest. Yeah, Well, in a marriage, it's different. The big thing with these couples is that they haven't made

that commitment yet. So the third party, um, which is myself being able to help them manage this conversation and the conversations they should be having, is really important because a lot of times when people are in this dynamic of whether we should or shouldn't, it's often because there are a lot of conversations they're not having. They know where they are in their gut, They're not having authentic conversation to see where they need to grow too, to

be definitive. And in this dynamic where you have a coach and you also have these other parties, it really positions you to say, what am I really trying to do here? Am I trying to work on my relationship to make it better and to grow forward? Or am I really not stuck? I'm just not not trying to move right? Do you think that's Do you think that's the biggest issue with couples in general? Is just communication

or lack thereof. It's huge, Yeah, it's huge because everybody wants to be heard, seen and understood, and communication is how we do a lot of that nonverbally and verbally. So when you're not doing great in either lane. Right of being heard, seen and understood, a lot of other challenges come to bear. But I also feel like a lot of times people will sugarcoat their feelings to protect

the other person in themselves. Um, and it's not rare for people to be unabashedly honest about where they're at with everything, but I feel like a lot of times people do that to spare their partner's emotions. Right. Well, yes, and part of the challenge is you're not living your truth, so it makes it hard to be able to go and grow together when the other party doesn't really know where you are. Why is it so hard for to

communicate in a relationship? Because I agree with you. I feel like we constantly hear this all the time about like, hey, communication is the most important thing with a relationship, or like we can't communicate, which is hurting our relationship. But like you said, Dr, everybody wants to be heard, seen and understood and that goes both ways and a agentship. So it's I guess my question to use. Why does so many couples struggle with communication? Well, vulnerability is hard

for many. It's not a practiced art, right, So being vulnerable is being able to being willing to be seen without your mask, being willing to take risk, being willing to be emotionally available. Right, And and if that's the call to connect and have a true connection, you've got to be willing to do it. And if you still want the other person to see you a certain way, or you don't want to deal with things of your past, or you don't want to be authentic, then a lot

of those things become a lot more difficult. And that's really often what it is. Yeah, that's fair. So I've got a question for you. How how long into meeting these couples, especially the ones from the show, can you form a pretty accurate opinion on like their success? Right? Oh, that's a good question, because I think whether they get married or not, it's successful. Right. My thought is, if you're not supposed to get married by all means, please don't.

If you're willing to work and invest and be vested in this construct of marriage, please do so. I don't know, because the interesting thing about human being is is you're never really sure what they're gonna do until they do it. Are they gonna best and and really be able to say, you know, part of what we've co created is because of me. I'm a co creator in this dynamic, so I can also vest in doing my part in a

way that heals what's happening versus hurts or or diminishes. Right, But you don't know what they're gonna do until they're actually in the position to decide where they want to be. Right. Have you seen any couples from this show that you thought maybe have gone there, should have gone their separate ways and end up getting married or vice versa. Couples that broke up and you're like, ah, I think you

guys could have actually been happy together. Sure, Because yeah, because there are things now that after all of these years of looking at couples and all of these years of researching people who have been in relationships that have worked and people who have been in relationships that haven't, that are telltale signs. Right. So, if you see a couple that is constantly criticizing one another and constantly in contempt,

I mean the world ling of the eyes. Anytime one of them says something, there's a dismissing of the other, there's like, oh God, here we go, blah blah blah. All that stuff now tells us whether or not in the long term, you've got a really good shot. So if you watch the couple's patterns and you see how they deal, right, are they fair or they always trying to be at the mat and kill each other? What?

What's their what's their deal? You can say, within a certain level of clarity, this, this might not be so good ten years from now. You might not make it to five. But some people just like the bickering and the constant um, not like nagging. But you know, some people really do thrive off of that, like for punishment, yeah, Christo punishment, yeah, but for you know, the question is not so much because a couple say, well, is it

bad when you fight? No, if you've got a relationship where there's no comp flick, be very afraid, like run because it's not lifing. Right, That's not how we do life. It's not about the conflict. It's about how you have conflict, how you recover, and what's the residue. Right. If your conflict leaves everybody bloodied every time, there's only but so much that you're going to be able to do that

and have anything that's sustainable or healthy. Right, So it's how your patterns manifest with the person that you're with, because we all would come with different baggage, right, Jared, what do you think you're in? Nashley's last fight was about they're not fight but disagreement. Ah god, that's I mean,

we have disagreements about parenting style. Not crazy differences, but um, like a good example is I've been trying at time times to let Dawson cry it out, like for I'd say like five ten minutes, because he'll cry sometimes and then you know, I remember Ashley one time he had a bottle and we were holding him and then you know, he was just still fussy, and then we put him down. He was still crying, and as she was like, we gotta dance form or entertain them or do something. You know,

I don't want him crying anymore. And I was like, I think we should just let him cry it out, like give him ten minutes and just try to like let him get it out of his system. And and I I was, you know, we were talking about how I didn't want him to get into this habit of hey, I cry and then they come like that's the way it goes. And so but she was like, no, I don't want like he gets so he gets so worked up he starts crying. I don't want him crying. So

that was like a disagreement. I guess that would be our biggest one where I was like, I think we should just lay him down and let him cry it out. And she's like, no, don't you know. She even said afterwards, so we did it, you know, we let him cry it out. And then she was like, his voice is horsed, like I can tell from crying all that much. And I'm like, he's fine. So I would say that's certain.

You know, some disagreements we have. Listen, you can disagree, but do you all become the enemy of each other in the disagreement is that I think I should do this, you think I should do that. We figure out where we're gonna stand on this, and are we enemies because I didn't get it my way or you didn't get it your way. Some people, if you're not doing it their way, it's their way or no way, which means that you've got to become a little invisible to be

in their circumstance. Otherwise they don't know how to coexist and correctly. Right right, you're talking about it's just we're trying to figure out how to raise this little boy genius of ours and uh not totally be handled. Yeah, it's like a hard dynamic to have. Ashley and I do have more disagreements than just that, Like I was trying to think, sometimes it's um like when I've talked

about this on the podcast before. Sometimes when we have, you know, hard conversations because we're married, you know, we have to talk about serious things, shows get emotional start crying because that's just her immediate reaction. But then I'll get upset because then I'm like, we can't talk anymore, like because as soon as you start crying, like I shut down because I feel so bad. And we've had arguments about that, and she's like, there's nothing I can do.

You're just gonna have to set that and I'm like, okay, but I feel like there's not much I can do because then I'll get mad. And then I'll say, well, if that's your reasoning saying there's nothing you can do and there's nothing I can do to change the way I feel when you start crying, because it's my emotional reaction to just shut down and not want to talk about things anymore. So we we definitely have like a little bit of a wall when it comes to that.

You know, usually fifteen minutes goes by and then we're fine and then we're kind of like easily talking back into what we needed to talk about. But yeah, I mean we've definitely had situations arise where it's like, you know, you just butt heads. I feel like it's terrifying to admit that you're you butt heads with your partner because then people are like, oh, you guys have issues, and it's like, I don't feel like we have issues just

because we have disagreements within our relationship. Yeah, it does not mean that you have issues. People come, you know, we we forget. Let's say, Jared, when did you meet your wife in two thousand and fifteen, seven years ago? Twenty we were both twenty six, Yeah, twenty six, So you've been walking the earth for twenty six years before you found her. Beliefs, values, likes, dislike, successes, all kinds of stuff you've been figuring out for twenty six years.

And you meet this person and they've been living for twenty six years. Why is the expectation, first of all, that I'm going to have all of the tools necessary to build something with this person. That's that's bananas. It's so much more compassion to be able to say you've been living, I've been living. We're bringing things into this dynamic. What do we want to build and how are we going to try to work with each other to stay committed to building that? Recognizing what do we have all

the answers all the time. That doesn't mean our marriage is falling apart, for God's sakes, It means we're trying to figure it out. Sometimes you need a flatheads, sometimes you need a Phillips. You don't always know just by looking at the screw right, You don't always know. Sometimes you gotta try some things to figure out, Okay, where do we land that doesn't demolish the both of us

but keeps us connected. It's so interesting to hear you say that because there have been so many instances with Kaylin and I we've been together three years now, where uh, you know, we'll have a polar opposite reaction to something that's going on. Chill react one way and I'll react a completely different way, and I, being the narcissist that I am, think that my way of reacting is you know, incredibly superior and then the best way to react to something.

And so many times I take a step back and I'm like, Okay, well, we've we've only been together for a small fraction of our lives. Of course we're gonna have different reactions to certain things. And it's honestly helps a lot with the relationship because Caylin and I are so different in so many ways, and to have that perspective of being like, well, of course we're going to react differently to to certain scenarios because we are completely

different people. And even like throughout the three years that we've been together, we you know, you slowly tend to like pick up on each other's traits and things, uh, maybe not not get easier, but you understand their perspective a lot better. And I think before I had that perspective, I would go into a relationship, uh and and we would have a different reaction on something, and you know this is before my current relationship, and I'd be like, oh,

that's it. That's the telltale sign that we're not meant to be together, So I'm gonna go ahead and end this relationship now. And it's just not the case. It's like you just have to, I guess understand that everyone's gonna be different because, like you said, twenty six years walking this earth, you didn't know this person, and you you became the person that you are that way, and

so obviously you're gonna have different reactions to certain things. Yeah, and you know the ego is a trip, right, because you come in with the tools that you have and you are convinced my tools are right because your says, my tools are right. I've worked very hard at these tools.

What are you speaking of? And somebody else comes with their tools, and the first thing is to be able to say they're hours now right, if we can shift it from mine and yours to ours, and then being able to say, huh, nothing in this box seems to be working. Does anybody else have something? Right? The minute you can say we've tried every screwdriver, nothing is working. Does somebody have a screwdriver or something we can use? Is the minute someone says, oh, that screw is rusted

to the point of no screwdriver is gonna help. But use this tool. It'll pull it right out and you can use the new nail. Yes, uh, we did it. It's being able to get on that progression where you're like, we can do this together. We just might not be able to use the stuff that we have. I just want to point out real quick, doctor, using a screwdriver

on a nail. It's not the best. But if that's what you've been taught, right, if that's what you inherited, you come in you're like, yeah, my screw driver, my nail. And when another person says, you know that, that's interesting that that's what you use, because that's not really the best. Don't touch it sacred right. Well, we go through that kind of stuff and sometimes it's just best to just be like, you know what, let's try and let's see which works best for us. And you know that right

on the head too. And sometimes when we would have disagreements about things, Calein would be she would say something on the lines of like well why don't you uh, like like why do you see it that way? Or like why do you react in that manner? And I'm like, in my head, all I can think about is I love my conflict resolution style. I don't see any issues with it, and so that must mean that you're wrong. But in reality, she's just like trying to get a

grasp on what's going on, which is totally fine. It makes a lot of sense, but it's just it's such an interesting Uh there's so many like avenues you can go down, and you know, hope flee. I guess you'll always want to hop down your hope. You're going down the best one suited for you. Guys, you know, yeah, I mean it if you can respect each other through differences. And I always tell couples it's a really smart thing to be able to ask yourself first, is this duct tape?

And I know that sounds like a crazy question, but it's like, okay, is this duct tape? Am I trying to use duct tape to hinge a door? Because duct tape is all I've had. If I can't answer that question, I don't know if this is duct tape or not. I mean, it's what I've got. I think it should work,

but I don't know if that's the best option. Then that gives enough opportunity for the other person to say, you know, I don't really know how to put this on, but I heard this hinge thing will keep the door swinging both ways a lot more effectively, And then you can say well, all I've got is duct tape, but let me see, let me see it. Oh, it's got some holes. I think if we get some screws and

a drill, we can try it. Versus, when you're so bent on my duct tape is the answer, then you really hit a wall because you're not willing to accept the other person's influence. And in relationships, guys, you gotta be willing to be influenced. Gals, you've gotta be willing to be influenced because if not, what the heck? Yeah right, but I got there eventually. Yes, well we're still getting there. You know. There's always, as as we like to say

on this podcast, help I suck a dating. Even though do you know, I'm myself are in very happy relationships, we still suck a dating. Just ask our respective girlfriends and wife. There's a lot of things we can work on, but dr we just want to say thank you so much for joining us on the podcast once again. You're always welcome back. Um, We're so glad that you came back to the podcast, and we hope to see you soon. We know that you can watch all three seasons of

Put a Ring on It right now? Uh is there a season four the potentially, you know, we hope, so we hope from our viewers and just the words on the street that they wanted to come back. We hope that it will. Yeah, well it's a very successful show, so I can't imagine they won't have a season four. But everybody listening right now, go watch. You can watch all three seasons of Put A Ring On It. Also, I know you have an event coming up. Dr Nicole. I don't know if you wanted to talk about that

at all. The reunion um is coming up. The reunion of season three of Put A Ring On It is coming up. And also our Woman Unlimited Live is coming out. Yeah, The Woman Unlimited Live. When I was was I was getting at it's coming up on June the eighteen. Very excited women can register from all over the world because it's virtual Woman on Limited live dot Com. Very excited. We're gonna help you unleash and un buying your unlimited potential in business and in relationships. Don't get much more

fun than that. Yeah, I'm gone, that's happening, Yes, nine am Eastern Standard time. Oh, that'll be six am for us. That'll be tricky, but we'll do our best. Thank you so much for joining us. We can't wait to hear from you again, and uh yeah, talk to you soon. Thanks guys, Bye, dr Thank you. Follow help by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast