Don't Forget to Swipe

So I'm just gonna go ahead and hope that the editors cut all that out of there. But Jared, how are you? I'm doing well? How are you? Gene? I'm trying to look up how many Easton or Riley or anybody? Hannah? Do we know how many episodes this is? Nobody knows, right, it's gotta be a lot. I would be I would be shocked if anyone had that number. I would be very surprised. I'll check on that. I'll check on that for you. Guys. We've been doing this since late two

thousand What year was it, No? Early two thousand and eighteen, right, so you're talking about almost three full years. So it's like two and a half years. So let's say eighteen months roughly. What listen, I'm doing some math live on the air, which is never a good idea, but we're going to try it. So if it's if we did this once a week for eighteen months, right, what's eighteen times four seventy two? So nice? Only seventy two episode?

I have the number. Well, are recounting from my first episode back in the day when it was just me a solo Hostan cares. That's the number I have. I can get it after Jerry joined. I'll take me just a few. If you want to vamp for a bit, I can get that. Well, how many totally? Let's let's GUESSNT know before he before he says it, right before he gives us an answer. I want to I want to make an educated guess because I this podcast was started, um for whatever reason, Lord knows why this podcast has

even ever started. Because you sucked at dating, bro, I know, right, But I think it's actually I don't know what's more of a shock to me, the fact that this podcast ever was started, or the fact that this podcast is still going. The fact this podcast is still going. It's not even one of those things are mind blowing, absolutely mind blowing. Um. Okay, so I'm sorry, I'm almost back to where I need to be. Okay, here we go. This podcast started on September two thousand and seventeen. That's

four years and one month ago. That's months, four months, four episodes a month. You're looking at probably right around two hundred episodes, give or take, like maybe we took a couple of weeks off, but we definitely recorded a couple. I'm gonna say this is episode two hundred and sixteen of what do you think total? I mean four years, once a week, four times force. I think it's lower than that. I bet it's so you said to sixteen. I'm gonna say one sixty four. All right, are wait,

wait before we get to the nitty gritty. Here are we playing prices right rules? Where I'm over by one, you win because you were now closest. I hate that. Okay, I agree, East End. Can we get a drum roll? This is episode two hundred and six No, it's not no way he's lying. There's no way. I swear to God. And I kind of think that Dean looked at something because we have done uh, two hundred and this would have been the two episode total, but I took out

there's two teasers in there. I don't count those full episodes. Dude, Dean is the Houston Astros right now. He cheated somehow, he's stealing signs. There's no way you guys. I have actually gonna jump off the podcast real quick and go down to the casino and just put everything black. Dude, play the power Ball, whatever numbers you think of at the top of your head. Just put three million dollars

on there. You're gonna trick your money. I got to say I'm secretly really good at those types of guesses. We were driving through Italy whenever we were there last month, and we were like, the role so the way the roads work out there, as you as you're getting on the interstate, you like pull a ticket and then when you get off the interstate, how for long ago, that's

how much money you pay? And we got off like after like six hours of driving, and Caitlin and I were like, well, how much do you think the ticket's gonna be worth or whatever? And I was like, it's gonna be nineteen dollar or nineteen and seventy euros. And it came out to like nineteen sixty and I was like, so I'm telling you I've I've got a secret skill here. I'm gonna put this on my resume that I am

incredibly good guesser. All right, East, Do you know the number of how many podcasts we've done since I've joined. I'm trying to figure that out. I think I feel I thought that Dean did a lot before you joined, but it wasn't that many. It was like, I'm trying to pinpoint exactly because you took over the show with Kendall. Do you remember that that one? Remember that was the first episode ever? Yeah? That was so I don't know if you if you joined immediately after that, that was

episode twenty four where it was you in Kendall. So I kind of joined, but not really joined because I wasn't official. It was just like I kept getting invited back. I also got super lucky when I first came on this podcast because we had Kendall on. She was just coming off of our season so that was a big hit. And then we had Amanda stand on and just so happened that week that Amanda had this online feud with Josh Murray if you guys remember that where they were

like tweeting back and forth at each other. So then she came on, so the numbers were really good for that podcast. And then the week after that, I think o'dan was back and you had just broken up with Leslie, so that was a huge podcast. And in the week after that, we had Vanessa on and I think Vanessa had just broken up with Nick or there was like some sort of big news with Vanessa and I think

it maybe her and Nick just broke up. So it was like four straight weeks where I just kept getting invited back, invited back, where the numbers were through the roof because of all these guests and I'm just like a munching on this and I'm like all right. And then finally Amy, you know, our boss, Amy was like, yeah, we'll sign you a full time and I was like great, cool, signed the contract before the numbers start going down. And I remember specifically too, that was I just looked it

up on my Instagram. That was March March, and it was because uh I sprung an impromptude trip to India and they were like, okay, well cool, like you have to record your podcasts and I was like, I'm probably just gonna go and not record anything, and uh, Amy, who's are like head producer, was like okay, well then like you're obviously gonna get fired from your podcast. And

then so they brought in like Nick to host an episode. Uh, you to host an episode, and there was some other guy from like Big Brother to host an episode, and uh, obviously you just wowed everyone. You know. All the credit goes to the people who still listen to this podcast, specifically Bachelor Nation, I tell you, and Easton probably can attest this from doing so many podcasts with different Bachelor

Nation members. The people that watch that show, You guys are so loyal and you listen and you follow our lives, and I cannot thank you enough because without you, people who watched the show, I don't know what the hell I'd be doing because you truly, like everybody's like, oh, you guys have a platform. I'm like, the reason I have a platforms because people listen, And so thank you

for everybody listening. Guys are the best. Yeah, fully agree with that instead of opening a restaurant, you would be back to managing one, I guess, which is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination. No, it's great. I mean I'm still managing it. I just so happen to own it as well, which is, you know, a dream coming true. So right right, hey, question on that front, are you and actually co owners? Uh? Technically speaking that's a negative. So well what happened? We talked about this

when we made the LLC. It was just better if it was one sole owner because apparently if you have two owners you get into some muddy waters. And so it was just like, all, you know, I've been the one doing been there every day, and and Ashley has been obviously a very big help. But when we it was just like this would be We're still like, you know, we're both owners of it. It's both our baby. But like, technically speaking, yet the business is fine, like on the

business license, it says Jared. When it comes down to brass tacks and like an important decision has to be made, it's your word that is. Yeah, I'd like to think that, but like obviously it's just not. For example, I was going to hang some wal art and I'm like, I'm not gonna do this as without Ashley because i know I'm gonna hang something She's gonna walk in next week

and be like, I don't like it there. I want it there, And I'm gonna say, well, I already hung it there, and she's like, well, can't you just take it down and put it there? And I'm like, yeah, I guess I can. So instead of going through that stressful situation, I'll just wait till Ashley comes in. So that's an example for you, Dean, of how much power in quotations. I actually have. How many fat head wall decals of Tom Brady are going to be up at

Audrey's coffee shop? None? But how many will be hanging in my kid's bedroom. Now that's the better question. My friends, you should have like a super secret lounge area where it's just all Tom Brady memorabilia. So it's like, if they really want the real Jared Hibbin experience, that's where they go. I will have that and it won't be so secretive one day. I mean yeah, I mean it is pretty disappointing to see you, Like, even when the

Bucks played the Patriots, you're wearing a Bucks jersey. So um, I love Tom Brady. I just uh, I just I don't know how that makes me feel. I will say, your fantasy football team in our league is doing pretty well, So congratulations to that much appreciated. How are you doing, I haven't even noticed. I'm I'm foreign too. I'm up there with you. I think we're actually tied, but you have more points, so you're like still above me a

little bit. But before we lose every listener we have right now, so this fantasy football talk, let's uh, let's go ahead and tease our guests. So coming up after this quick break, we have Alyssa de nine who is the author of the Art of Online Dating, and we are going to ask her all the questions when it comes to online dating. So stick through this break with us. We'll be right back and we'll see you soon. Welcome back to help I suck at dating. As Dean teased

so professionally and well. Before the break, we have a very special guest. She's the author of the Art of Online Dating, which is going to be available on Amazon starting October twenty six, which by the time this podcast comes out. Hold on, let me look at my calendar. Is going to be Tuesday. This Tuesday, in two days, you will be able to buy the Art of Online Dating. It is Alyssa dnine. Did I say that properly? Yeah? Oh yeah, I'm gonna pud myself on the back. I'm

terrible with names. I have been doing good, I know, I've really been trying to up my game, even as my wife I pronounced my own last name two different ways. Why, I don't know, I've heard it both ways throughout my family. So a lista tell us a little bit about yourself, and tell us about what the art of online dating

is all about. Yeah, so well, I'm I've been a stylist for almost twenty five years in New York, and when I became divorced at age forty one, I have been with my husband for way before cell phones existed, So I had no idea what I was doing, and um had to enlist a few friends to help. And I realized in the process, like there must be tons of other divorced people like myself, who are you know, middle age or older and trying to figure all this

out with online dating. Um, so I created a business style my profile to help people get their profiles, you know, up and running and looking good and kind of selecting the right pictures. And and then I just saided to write a book about my whole experience working with clients and my own experiences and kind of a guide book to help people through the whole process. So you used your stylist background to help people stylized their online profile. Yeah. Yeah.

So it started off where I was just sort of helping people, like like a little bit of a makeover and then kind of help you. I would hire a good photographer to take good pictures and I'd style them and you know, get a good you know, it was a female like hair and makeup person um. But it kind of evolved into once I got people up and running in their profile, then people kind of were like, well, I still don't know what I'm doing. So now I have a great profile, I'm matching with people, but now

it's like a whole other thing. There's like a whole other hurdle. So then it turned into date coaching and kind of like the whole like a holistic approach to online dating where it's like, Okay, you've got your great profile, but then also you know, kind of figuring out how to message and how to ask people out, and you know what to wear on a first date and what to talk about and and also just like kind of

figuring out what you want in another in a partner. Yeah, so it sounds like you're just helping people kind of like dial in that first impression and then you were able to kind of take a step further with the book and everything else from there. Exactly exactly, can you give us like a little bit of a cliff notes version, because I want to know for everybody listening out there, like what are some of the things that they should be doing when they go to an online dating site

or an online dating app. Now, obviously there's so much information out there, there's so much people, you know, so many things that people need to do with First of all, sign up for it, create a profile, pick the pictures, pick what they're gonna say. Then actually start talking to people, are liking people, and then what do they say? Like who reaches out first? How long does it take to talk on the app before you actually meet them in

real life? Like, I don't know, can you give us a little bit of a breakdown of like a sequence of events that need to occur when going through the online dating world? Well, yeah, and I mean, you know, keep in mind that a lot of my clients are coming to me similar to myself where you've never done this before. You know, you met your partner in college and you know, and got married in your mid twenties and that was it. So just kind of even like

picking out the right app for people is tricky. You know, there's so many apps now and which one do I use? And which one is right for me? And you know, so we kind of have a whole process of like there's a questionnaire I give to everybody and kind of figure out where you know, where it depends on how old they are and where they live, and so we figure out what apps they should use. And then of course, like we write a whole bio, we help them write their bio and put that up there. And I ask

you a question about the dating apps. How many dating apps should a person be on one at one time or should they do multiple? I recommend two or three at a time, And you know, because I think most people are really pretty um, it depends on how enthusiastic I guess you are in meeting somebody. But I feel like, you know, one is fine, but two or three is definitely gonna, you know, increase your chances. And but the

thing is that I always tell my clients. You have to be willing to, as you guys know, doing online dating, you have to really be willing to actually throw yourself into it and not just oh, I'm going to just put up a couple of pictures and check it every few weeks and expect to get dates out of that. You know, it's it's so there's so much more to online dating than just putting a few pictures up there and and messaging once in a while with somebody. And

it doesn't as we know, it's not instantaneous. Like even once you match with somebody and message with them, then it can take a couple of weeks even sometimes to get to the date. So you know, it's it's a whole process and just kind of coaching people through that

whole thing. So I think one of the biggest hurdles when it comes to online dating, And correct me if if you think this is not accurate, but it's the conversation of like getting off of the platform, right, So what kind of advice would you have for the listeners for going from just matching with someone talking to them to like getting a phone number and then like organizing a first date that like, what is what is your

advice for that type of that process. I actually I recommend the sooner the better getting in real life, um, whether that's a you know, a video call or an actual in person date. You know. And since the pandemic, people are a lot more willing to do a first date as a video call, um. But I think the sooner the better as soon as you have some sort

of connection or report all. I think, you know. And I'm always encouraging my female clients don't wait for you know, heterosexual couples, like, don't wait for guys to ask you out. It's I mean, it's like you I feel like, honestly, no offense, but like I feel like men are worse about asking out than women are. I feel like yeah, and I feel like sometimes like like like you're just kind of waiting for weeks and like, oh, you know, everything's great and we get along so well, and but

he's just not asking me out. And it's like and I think that's really common, and that's all age groups, because I have clients that are in their sixties and seventies and and men are still having our time asking women out. Like it doesn't matter how old you are, it's it's hard. So I always say to my female applients, like, just ask them out. You know, what's the worst that's

going to happen. They're gonna say no, you know so, and I feel like a lot of men and maybe you can, you know, attest to this, but I feel like a lot of men are actually in a way relieved if they're interested and they you know, and they want that to happen, they might also be like, I don't know if I should ask her out yet, And so I think if you take away that one, you know, that one step for them, you know, And then I say like, once i'd ask somebody out if they said us,

then I'd kind of be like, okay, great, so you make the plan and you know, and I'll show up kind of thing. Um, it's making that first move. And that's the nice thing about all my dating too, is because there's already been expressed interests, so it's like they liked you enough to swipe one way or the other.

So yeah, yeah, And I think it's that so many people get caught up in the you know what we've been messaging and you know, and they're not asking me out or you know, or he keeps like putting it off, or she keeps putting it off. It's like, you know, the person doesn't know you yet, they're just going based on what you've written a few times and your photos,

So you can't really take it personally. If somebody is, you know, whatever, being flaky or not being proactive, it's like, I think you have to really and this is hard and I had a hard time doing this too. Is like not taking everything so personally and not and not making it seem like, oh, you know, this person isn't interested if they haven't asked me out yet, it's like I think they don't even know you yet. You know. It's like you're just you're in that first stage there.

So the quicker you can make it happen where you meet in real life, the better. True and also on the same on the same vein, like if you get denied asking someone on a date, they're denying someone that they don't know anything about. So it's like you can't take that personally because not not as a rejection, it's like it has nothing to do with you. Hey, in the book, you talk about a closet cleans. Is that right?

Can you tell us about that? Yeah? So I mean when I first became single again after so many years of being with my husband, I you know, I was like a mom and a wife. And you know, I think a lot of men and women go through this stage after they've been in a relationship for a really long time. It's kind of just trying to figure out who you are again, and you know, and I think for me, I was, you know, not just a mom

and a wife anymore. I was like a single woman and just trying to kind of like redefine what that was for me. And you know, so I went through the whole closet perch thing was just so um, you know, it was just very symbolic for me. And it was like getting rid of like my my married life and like bringing in, you know, bringing in the new and

kind of getting rid of the old. And it was I encourage all my clients, men and women to do that because I think it feels really good to just kind of start fresh and kind of figure out who who do you want to present yourself to the to the world. Reminds you of the scene from Crazy Stupid Love. Ryan Gosling takes Steve Carell shopping at the mall and

he's like he's he's credit card and he buys. Like he's like, you know what a great thing about someone your own ages is you can revamp your wardrobe for like four or five grand. Anyway, really it's a great movie. I guess what what is your advice? First? Like, what is the first step you would take in something like that? Is it a wardrobe change like they do in a Crazy Stupid love or not? Really like a wardrobe change.

And I'm not saying like everyone needs to go out and like go on a shopping spree to to start dating or anything, but it's more like, um, you know I I usually say like, obviously, you know when people hire me, I helped with this process, but even just like grabbing a friend and helping them kind of help, having them help you go through each piece and like see how you feel in that, Like do you feel good or does it make you feel kind of like or does it make you feel like a friend when

you have something new like a new T shirt or a jacket or something that fits me well, like I feel good, I feel better about myself, Like I feel like I, you know, give off more confidence whenever I buy something new. Exactly I mean, it's like that angel it look good, feel good, feel good, look good. It's like all wrapped together. But even just buying like one

new piece. I mean sometimes I tell people like, if you're on a budget, that's fine, but like by one new Like for me, it was like about a new pair of jeans that I felt amazing in. I bought a few new tops, and that like turned into like my I called it my first date uniform that I wore on every first date for like a year, And you know, I kind of figured out pretty quickly, like oh wait a minute, no one's seeing me in this,

Like this person has never met me before. I can literally wear the same thing over and over again on every eight So I you know, I figured that out pretty quickly. And I think people are really actually appreciative of that because I don't know, I mean, men do this too. It's like you try on a bunch of things before every date, and like, you know, you're trying to reinvent the wheel every time and and try to find something cool and cute and whatever. Doesn't have to

be anything totally like unique. It can just be something you feel really sexy in. So I think that's the bottom line. So then rather than um talking about all the dues of online dating, what are some don'ts? Like, what are some red flags that you advise your clients to look out for on profiles? Well, there's so many, but um, well, I mean there's you know, definitely the people that are just looking to message back and forth

endlessly and not actually meet in person. And I think both men and women experience that over and over again, you know, the people that just want to write back and forth and not actually be proactive. Um. So that's a huge one. Um. You know, there's a lot of people don't still don't put a bio up, like they just put some pictures on. I don't know if you see that too, you know with women, but a lot of men to do that. Um, And it's you know,

that's like run off the bat. You're like, you know, there's so many people that aren't going to bother swiping on you if you don't have a bio. Yeah, I feel like it shows whenever you don't have a bio,

it shows a lack of willingness to be vulnerable. And that's already like kind of a little bit of a red flag when you're entering a relationship with someone or potentially entering a relationship, and even if it's because they you know, are new to it and it's right, I'm sorry, I ask a friend to write it before you or something like just do write something like just to show that you're you're actually willing to put some effort in.

And I think, you know, my thing is it's either they might be married somebody put their profile up for them, or they're really they think they're above it and they don't need to be doing that. Yeah, it's weird. I feel like it stems from an insecurity of like and Dean, I'm sure you can attest to this as well, Like, I don't know, it was like cool not to try when you were a kid, you know, it was always

the kids that tried that weren't seen as cool. And I think you grow into adulthood and that kind of sticks with you a little bit. So when you're doing an online dating profile, I'm sure a lot of guys are like, no, just you know, I don't even care whatever happens, even though inside you know they actually do care. Yeah, I'm sure there's a happy medium too, between not doing

anything and doing way too much. And I feel like a lot of people are scared of like maybe teetering to be like that overly, I don't know, overt person when they're talking about themselves where it's like you're like too bragadocious or there's too many modes, Like there's just so much that goes into it, you know. So like you're right, Jared, Like people I think are afraid to try too hard. Um, so they by they default by

by not trying hard at all. Right, yeah, exactly, No, I think that's really common actually, um yeah, and I think that again, like just have asked a friend like describe me and like write that into your bio, you know, anything. It could just be anything, but like I mean, obviously I recommend spending more time than that. But definitely something

is better than nothing. You know. My I met my boyfriend on too, and um and I you know, I would say, like he had like his resume as his bio, which was of course, like you know, very boring, but at least he wrote something and I knew something about him, um, and he had one good picture and the rest were pretty terrible. Um, but just you know, even in writing, something is better than nothing. So he had his legit

career resume on his like like works for this company? Now, I mean he said he worked for he said where he was from, where he lived, you know that he was divorced with two kids. Like it was very like you know exactly. He hates to bring this up in my but it's it's just it's definitely and what not to do? We gotta ask, then, how did you bypass that lack of information and see passed at all to

then now be an early ship with him? Well? It really, honestly, like I tell this story and I write about in my book, I almost didn't swipe on him because you know his resume, I mean his resume, Yeah, it's very much. And he, like I said, he had one good photo of the rest for kind of like you know, like sunglasses on and like one like you could barely see him,

you know, all those kind of things. Um, but it was just this one photo and I was like, you know, I don't know whatever, and I swiped right and then he messaged me right away, and he asked me out right away, and so you know, it got going very quickly. Um, but it did take me four dates before I actually knew that I liked him more than just a friend. So I always tell people that too that I thought for sure, like we're just going to be friends, And then it was our fourth date and I was like,

wait a minute, I don't think this is just friends. Yeah, I think it's going to go a little bit further than that. Um. Yeah, last question before you get going, what do you think about paying for dating apps? I feel like a lot of people ask us, do you think I should upgrade to some sort of premium package pay for a dating app? Um, if I'm not getting what I want out of it? What are your thoughts

about that? Yeah? You mean like on Bumble or Tinder and upgrading, you know how they have like it's free or like it's a low paying one, but then they also have like premium packages, which I feel like a lot of people are like, do I need to pay for it? Should I pay for it? Well? I mean I think you know, for example, like my my clients that travel a lot um, I always recommend that they do upgrade, you know, so that they can look at the city that they actually live in while they're traveling

and they don't just default to wherever they are. So that's an advantage of upgrading on on something like tinder Um, but otherwise, I mean, and you know, I definitely think the boosts can help for sure, but you know, I think whether or not to do the upgrade where you can you know, like more people are go back, and I mean that's sort of questionable. I don't think you necessarily have to do that, and there's definitely plenty of people that are are doing just fine without upgrading, So

you know, it's weird. There's as much of a stigma as there is around online dating, which is definitely getting less and less, I feel like there's an even bigger stigma around upgrading to the premium version of the apps. So you know, so you think that people think of it as being like, oh, you must be really desperate

to I mean, I'll give you way off base. But that's kind of not that I think there's personal anything wrong with it, but there is definitely I think, like maybe like a vibe around that, yes, but I I like, you gotta do what you gotta do well. And then I think I get asked that about like doing super likes to like, does that make me seem like I'm I'm too eager or something? If you're doing super likes.

But um, I mean, I think with online dating sometimes it's just you have to just sometimes take a little bit of a risk and like put yourself out there, and you know, maybe that does mean you super like somebody, and maybe that doesn't mean you great. You know. I think that it's if you've learned to judge you based on that, then maybe they're not the right match for you,

especially if they're on the same platform you are. Yeah, and you're right, I listen to it's like, if anyone's gonna judge you for those types of things and they're not going to be your people anyways, it will suck. Yeah, yeah, Jared Will said, yeah, well that's Alyssa. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. We really appreciated everybody listening. On October This Tuesday, pick up a copy of the

Art of Online Dating. If you're navigating the online dating world someone who's not used to it, or even if you're looking to just kind of reinvent yourself, definitely pick up a copy of this book. Alyssa, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, thanks for having me. Nice to meet you. Nice meeting you too. Al Right, everybody, welcome, back to help I suck at dating. We have two

very special emails coming up here. I haven't read them yet, but they're both from anonymous, and you know how much we love a good juicy anonymous email. Eastern turned his camera back on, which means he's hyped to read emails for us. Eastern, what do you got? He's prepared, ready to go, Bro, You're ahead of the game. You're like the kid in school who immediately raised their hand for everything, so eager just to be, you know, a teacher's pet. You know. You guys asked me to read the emails

from time to time, and I'm never ready. Always have to look for it my email or something. This time I haven't, haven't pulled up. I want to turn my camera show you serious about this? Yes, So let's read an email. This is from Anonymous, this first one. I've been in the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship for almost six years now, but in the past twelve months that has been the toughest. My boyfriend has started his own business, and as you guys know, it takes a ton of time.

He's constantly consumed his life. He works sixteen hours a day. He's constantly on the phone, he's on zoom sending emails. I've been trying to be my best to be supportive and understanding. We have good communications, so we do check in with each other once every couple of weeks. However, I'm feeling extremely disconnected. When I tell him I'm feeling neglected or any time with him, he listens and says he'll do something about it, but he doesn't always follow through.

Until you completely break down. Then we'll go on a date, and as soon as it's over, it repeats. I would love some advice on what to do to get that spark back and get him to understand that I need to have time with him to feel connected to him without making it seem like I don't care about his business goals. M hmmm. Well, the first thing that sticks out to me is that you're saying that you're not getting enough time and he neglects you. But then you say, you guys go on a date, and then and soon

it's it over. It just repeats itself, so it feels like he's putting an effort. If you if you guys are going on dates, six years is a long time. Love changes, it evolves over time, so maybe you guys don't have that initial spark that you once did, and it's not as hot and heavy or like that puppy dog love that we all experience when first started dating someone. I don't know, that's tough. Like the guy seems like

he's working really hard, sixteen hours a week. I'm sure he wants to be with you, but obviously he's very stressed out. It feels I don't know, that's a toughie. I feel like anonymous, you might have to just be okay with being on the back burner for a little while and just knowing that he still loves you. I really like this sentence, uh in the second paragraph where she says we have good communications, so we do check in with each other once every couple of weeks. Did

that strike anyone else's odd Yes? I thought I had misread it at first, because, yeah, you know, that should be like what every couple of days is kind of even a stretch, maybe a couple of times a day. Yeah, I think, Um, I I agree with Jared. I think that it's hard to get in the way of someone's business aspirations, right, Like I obviously haven't started a company with Jared. I think can obviously speak more towards that,

but you don't want to get in his way. You don't want to be the reason he's not giving his business enough attention. But like, yes, obviously you still deserve the attention that you deserve, right, So it's like it's definitely something that you need to work on. I guess my my gut reaction is to say, maybe maybe you need to be more comfortable with like longer spurts of being alone or like you know, like don't. I don't know.

It's it's a tricky one for sure. I just I think like if I was him and his shoes and I was putting a hun percent of my focus into this thing that I really wanted to be successful, and then I felt like, uh not that your girlfriend should be a distraction. But like if like something was like pulling me away from this goal of mine, I would be a little, um, a little put off by it. But but again, like you obviously deserve the attention that you want, So that's it's tricky. Like Jared said, something

I think Anonymous should bring up to her boyfriend. And I do not own a business, but I am a workaholic. I get all of myself worth from working putting in hours so I can relate to this guy a little bit um. But something that and my wife, you know, I would like to spend more time with her. She would like me to spend less time working and more

time with her. And something that made a big difference for me in the last few months is thinking, like if you take a certain amount of time you know it does not be every day, but ideally at least once a week maybe, and do something intentional with this person that's special to you, it will not only mean a lot to them, but you can also look at us taking time for yourself and away from work. And I know that this guys starting a business. I know you have to put all of your time into that

to really make it a success. But I think that if you take enough time to like not focus on that and like recharge when you do go back to it, it's going to be a higher quality output. Maybe you all have another idea, I don't know. I think he could look at it as taking time for himself as well. What's an example, East And can you give us an example of like something you do intentionally to put effort

into your relationship even though your workahol. Oh, I mean like like because for me, like an average day is like, you know, I work into the night sometimes and it'll be like we're watching TV and then like I have to like get up and go upload a god in podcast or something. Uh. But Dean finally sent me his audio. I got to go up and work, Yeah, exactly, podcasts from the cafe he did in Mexico. Yeah, I have to go through a mute every time they turn on

the margarita blender. But like for me, for me personally, it's like we'll go on a drive somewhere and then like go out and go on a very long walk and leave our phones in the car, and so then it's just like we're just like experiencing like the outdoors. We're talking to each other, we're connecting. And I find that to be a really therapeutic way of like not thinking about the work that is constantly in my mind, um, and you know, focusing on like, oh, well, what's interesting

in Allison's life. And then I also get to talk

about like something that I'm interested in that doesn't work. Uh, you know, something as simple as that doesn't have to be like a you know, obviously going out to dinner or something like that is nice too, but like it can just be something that's taking a walk with this person and uh and talking and then when I do go back to work, I do feel like, Okay, I'm ready to like I'm ready to attack this gargantuan podcast problem and uh and and really put my all into it.

I don't know, that's just what my advice would be, is like he didn't. I know, he's not gonna want to take that time, but I feel like it would be beneficial to both you guys. No, that's a really good point too. I feel like a lot of people, uh, business owners especially like probably burn the candle at both ends until eventually they're entirely burnt out and they don't take this to the time that they need to like

reset and recharge. And so maybe, yeah, like you're saying, just set some time aside once a week, maybe for like not even a full day, just like four hours, five hours something, maybe even less. I don't know, but yeah, I see what you're saying. I think that's a really good point. It's certainly a good starting point for someone in that position to just be like, hey, like like Okay, let's let's give her some advice on how she could approach this with her boyfriend. Just be like, hey, uh,

you work too hard. Let's take some time to just like relax together, and then you can get back into your work and you'll be rejuvenated and ready to tackle the bigger issues maybe more more aptly. Right, I'd also start checking in more than once every couple of weeks. I think you guys brought up. Yeah, definitely start checking in probably daily, and just say, hey, how are you, how is your day, what's going on, what's going through

your mind? You know, and just talk things out. Also maybe, I mean, obviously, I'm sure you've got your own work and career stuff going on, but ask him like, hey, can I help with anything? Because that could also be like a good way to spend quality times together while still getting the work that needs to be done. So, um, maybe maybe you could start there. I think I think

that's good advice. You're welcome, Anonymous. That one's free. I don't know why you're anonymous, because you know, it's pretty um, pretty PG stuff, but hey, we appreciate your emailing us nonetheless, And for the rest of you guys, that might want to email us. I suck at dating at iHeart media dot com. I always forget to plug that, but be sure to email us. Yeah, and obviously, world of a great time to plug the business Anonymous on the podcast.

But yeah, swinging to miss there? Yeah, swing gonna miss We got one more of out Euston if you want to jump into that one. Do you have one more? Let's do it Anonymous again. It's great to see Jared and Dean mature into strong relationships into their thirties and talking about exciting future plans like having a child and or living abroad. What are some ways that Jared and Dean have learned to be more vulnerable and emotionally open

Ashley and Kalin. I know it's something guys struggle with, and we all bring our own fears of being hurt, rejected and not understood into relationships. How have Jared and Dean's partners Ashley and Calin helped them feel safe and built trust? Uh? Jar, you can go first on that. I guess Hey, come here for a second. I'll ask directly from the horse's mouth right here, Ashley, get over here, Yeah, Ashleley, get over here. I need to be to help me out for a second, how has Ashley made me feel

safe and have built trust? I think trust building just takes time. And I've been able to confine in within Ashley when we were friends and that turned into romance. Um, so I think over time, just building our connection back and forth. So pretty much, this anonymous emailer is saying that Jared and Dean have matured in front of their eyes on the podcast. I know. That's so sweet, isn't it?

My mat Thank you? Uh? And so they're asking one of some of the ways that we've learned to be more vulnerable and emotionally open to both you and Kaylin, And she knows that a lot of guys struggle with it. So how they're asking me, like, how have I been able to open up to you more? So, like, have you have you noticed anything particular that works with me

in terms of like helping me open up more? Well, I feel like there's never any consequence to you opening up, right, There's never like there's never been a bad experience where you told me something. I've never been like yeah, yeah, You've always received my vent sessions. Well, so it's made me feel comfortable being able to open up to you.

And then secondly, I just literally don't let you get away with keeping it in because you're so obvious when something's wrong that I literally will keep asking you until you tell me. I know you're good at that. We balance each other off well where I won't say something, but you'll just continuously poke me because you always feel better after you say it. I know. But you like don't really keep anything in anymore. You really don't know you hear everything. My apologies. No I don't. I like it,

don't mind it at all. Okay, great, See that's how you build a healthy relationship there, ladies and gentlemen. Um. Yeah, that's really nice. I uh yeah, I guess I could say much more of the same. I do this thing. It extends beyond just the relationship. It's like all in a personal relationships that I've been having later in life where I just I just share every uh story about

myself embarrassing and all. Like you know, you just share an embarrassing story about yourself with the people around you, and then I think that like loosens them up to be like okay, cool, Like this guy's got a lot of he's he's done a lot of bad things. In his life, and uh, that makes me feel more comfortable to share something that maybe I did that was a

little bad or you know, something like that. So I think, um, that's that's just kind of my my way of defusing the like not like the tension, but um, bridging the gap between like communication and honesty, because I think a lot of people are hesitant to share their feelings or their past traumas because they feel like they're going to be judged, and so I like, let them judge me first, and then if they feel comfortable after that, then they can go ahead and share whatever they want to share.

That's my take on it, at least Eastern. Yeah, Eastern, You're you're part of this too. I Uh. I mean Allison has always made me feel very comfortable to be my true self. Um, and I think that's the sign of a of a strong relationship and a partner you should be um that's like worthy of you know, your time, and and someone you're going to go to the distance with. Because I've been in relationships, so I didn't feel comfortable opening up and they made it very clear they didn't

want to hear it from me. So uh, and that's why we're no longer in that relationship, So, um, I I really think, you know, like it's like the anonymous said, it's been really because I do you know, watch you guys mature and open up as as people. But we think we have to credit it to the ladies in your life. I mean, they've clearly made you feel like you can you're coming from a place of trust, uh, that they're not going to judge you if you do

open up to them. And I think I always feel bad that that's like the burden of the of the female in the relationship all the time, but it really is, you know it that's really how you how you tame the wild bear. You know, you just make them feel

comfortable and uh and then they can open up to you. Yeah, I guess Ashley said something that was so profound went just now I think where she said, there's never been any consequences of you opening up to me, and I was like, yeah, I never felt like there was a moment where I was saying something where You're gonna immediately judged me. So that is nice. That's really nice to have and I never thought of it in that way.

So Anonymous, make sure that you don't feel or make sure you're you make your partner feel that there's no consequences to him or her opening up to you, because then that will again make them feel more comfortable. Yeah, that's a that's a well said point, Jared, Thanks for sharing that with us. I could see in your eyes you just had a great epiphany. Um. I think that's gonna do it for this week's episode, you guys, unless there's anything else you want to talk about, I think

that's gonna do it as well. I do want to bring something up because obviously our guest u alyssa Um was talking about how she was divorcing back into online dating, and it just gave me a thought because I feel like I've heard over and over again, specifically over the past year or two, about how divorce rates are through the roof and that's just not the case, which is insane. So apparently, according to some family studies website back in uh nineteen, divorce rates were had an a low since

nineteen sixty eight. Mm hm oh. So Ashley says that it's probably because we're getting married older, so divorce rates were super low. In nineteen sixty it was only nine couples for every one thousand would get divorced, and then it shot up twenty years later to twenty two. For every thousand married couples, twenty two would get divorced. But then it's steadily going down ever since to reaching a

low of fourteen fourteen and two thousand nineteen. So then I was like, well, maybe they were talking about the pandemic. Maybe the pandemic has really driven divorce rates through the roof. But that's not the case either, According to New York Times back in this article is written in March one this past year, says divorced divorce rates are now dropping,

and they give some reasons why. Apparently, divorce rates there was a surge in the early months of the pandemic, but now they seem to be plummeting, which is interesting. And it talks about how, like um, they like, these couples are deciding to stick it out, and they talk about like negative things that are currently happening, that people are afraid to change the status quo, which means they're staying married longer. I don't know, I found it pretty interesting.

I guess I just I wanted to mention that because I was like, I thought divorce rates were like the highest they've ever been, but apparently they were the lowest they've been since like nineteen sixty. It's probably because it's impossible to get a lawyer to work for you hearing scheduled. It's expensive, man, it's expensive. Everyone's backed up. You gotta wait four months to get it done and then three

months and you're like, yeah, maybe we should. Uh, well, that's why you want to stay married right there, because you can't find a good divorce lawyer. Right hey. I mean there's probably a lot of reasons why, but I agree with Actually I don't know if the listeners could have heard her yelling from the other room. But yet people are getting married older, which I think is definitely a big part of it. Uh, people are getting more educated,

which I think is a big part of it. But I was I was curious too, because you would think that there were some negatives to like that. There's a lot more choice nowadays, Like we're a lot more connected, so you think that maybe that would have something to do with it working in the opposite direction. But yeah, that's interesting. Um, that's good to know. I guess there's there's hope for us after all. Well, there's hopefully you I'm already married. Well, I guess we could still get divorced,

so let's hope for all of us. Really, I'm not talking about us specifically, like locally here the three of us. I'm talking about like generally as a human species. And I don't really think outside the box. I just think of the two people i'm looking at free, including myself. Yeah, that's great, that's what's your What makes you so endearing? You know, you're just laser focused on the people you're

talking to very much. So well, that's gonna do it for this week's podcast, Help I Suck At Dating once again. Please keep emailing us at I Suckit Dating at I heart media dot com, follow us on Help I Suck At Dating. A big thank you to Alyssa Denene. Of course, her book is coming out this Tuesday, The Art of Online Dating. You can buy it on Amazon East and Dean, you guys are awesome? What about you? Forgot you forgot to think? Anonymous and Anonymous? Oh yeah, Anonymous is you

guys are awesome? Nick always app anonymous is you guys were great? Thanks for emailing us if you want to be Anonymous enjoying the anonymous crowd email us I Suck it Dating at i heeart media dot com. You need to start sharing the email just at the top of the episode, because I feel like, who's still listening to this? If you're still listening to this, email us and just say hey, I'm still listening. You have to ask a question, just just let us know. Just take your time, just

you know, just for our own sake. Anyways, that's gonna do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating. We can't wait till next week's spooky scary episode, Halloween Baby. Um tune in then because maybe we'll suck just a little bit less. Follow help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast