Dean's Homecoming

Hillary and we have a very fun episode. Obviously, we're going to kind of recap my travels through South America over the past three weeks. I've got a funny ish dating story that we could share from which I don't really normally do for my travels. We're gonna answer some questions, We're gonna provide some answers. We're gonna obviously talk to Hillary and get her expert opinion on all things, because we're not experts. We are idiots at the end of

the day. So it's nice to have someone that actually knows what they're talking about. And we're gonna discuss some topical things as well of regarding like the duck Cheff thing and um and some other things as well as we see fits. So, Jared, what should we do to start? First of all, how are your travels in South America? What my big question is what makes you want to travel alone so much lately? Um, my travels were fantastic.

Thank you for asking. So I just for the listeners out there that I guess don't follow me on Instagram. I was in South America for three weeks. I did um Plantus Artists for five days, and then I did Patagonia for a week, Machu Picchu and Rainbow Mountain for a week as well, And um, it was it was my first trip where I got so I like camped most of the nights, you know. That wasn't like staying

in a hotel. I stepped in a tent. I think probably like eight nights of the sixteen knights that I was gone, And um it was fun because obviously, like I was like reconnecting with nature. I grew up in Colorado, so it was nice to kind of get back into the mountains and hike around. And um, I was like talking to my brother the entire time and he was like, I'm so jealous You're going to Patagonia. That's always been

like the top of my list. And it was amazing and I've always heard even like like Leslie us to rate unless he's been around the world, you know, nineteen times, and she's always raped that Patagonia's her absolute favorite spot. And so I've kind of always made it a gold mind to get down there. And it was incredible. Um I met something. Did you end up messaging her by the way, No, I did not. I figured I took your advice and I figured, and I'm glad I didn't.

I'm glad I think. Um it was great. So the first like four nights, I stayed in Buenos Aatres, which is like obviously a big city by myself, and I hated it. What I started to realize is that I'm gonna move away from traveling to cities like that solely when I'm alone, Like if I'm going with friends or something, I'll go to cities. But I just like GE's so bored in cities. I can't be that person that goes to a bar by himself to like meet people, you know, and I feel like that's so much, such a part

of the experience. And so when I was in my first first like second day in Argentina and Buenisats, I made a Tinder account. I was like, I'm just I'm so bored. I don't know how to meet people organically, like out in the street, So I'm just gonna make it Tinder. And I made it Tinder. That's that's my that's that's my story. That's literally all I have. It's that's my funny story from from from traveling. Yeah, but did you meet anyone? So I made it Tinder. I

picked my six most attractive pictures of myself. I made a very clever and funny bio on the Tinder. I'm trying to build up some drama here, some anticipation. I've made it the best most attractive Tinder account ever been seen to man. I even included my Instagram handles that like people could look me up on Instagram and see the have a little blue check mark, because I feel like that's probably far, that's probably gotta go somewhere, and

I don't think. I like was swiping for like ten or fifteen minutes, like in my Airbnb, like by myself, and I just started to start getting bored and I wasn't getting matches because I like, I had literally just made it and I wasn't getting any matches right away, and I was like, well, this is really discouraging, Like no one even likes me. UM made it, I know, and I just made it. And like I went out for the day and I came back and I started

swiping again. I wasn't getting any matches again, and then like eventually, like a few matches are trickling in, and they all tried speaking to me in Spanish, obviously, because I in South America and I can like speak a little bit of Spanish, but I can't really speak it conversationally, and so I would like try and put it into Google's Translate and then like texted to them, and then they would text me back in Spanish. I'd put that in Google Translate, and then you know, like back and

forth and back and forth. And it got to this point where I was like, what the hell am I doing, Like this is the most ridiculous thing. I'm trying to talk to girls in Spanish to, like I don't know, just so I can like bide my time while I'm walking through a city that I like don't necessarily know what to be doing. And you know, so at the end of the day, I didn't meet up with a single person from Tinder, I only talked to like three or four people. Okay, I agree, it's very boring. I

wish that there was something I wish. I wish I met up with a girl like every single night on Tinder and bos aires and like was dancing the entire time. But no, that's not the case. It's just my point is is I suck it Tinder? I guess it's really like and now I'm engaged from a woman that I'm not engaged, but I might be a father. The Tinder is unactive, this act down. Yeah, I shut it down the second I got my app So funny that you mentioned that I was hanging out with Peter last night.

And Peter, I don't know if he wants this to be shared, but he had created a riot. He had created a ryoc counts a while ago. See him on a riot there you go. And so he was like, hey, I got a buddy pass. You want my buddy pass? And for the longest time, I'm like, I don't need to go on Rio, and eventually I was just like, sure, So I created a rio last night. I don't know if I'm gonna get approved or not. You'll definitely get approved, and all. Honestly, I hope they don't approve me. What's

your song going to be? I don't know. I don't know how it works. You pick a song, like a twenty second song, it should be something ridiculous, just random, like uh the Children, other Manic Monday in his matchbox, dirty or whatever. That you have a Riot account. I thought you were gonna say, what is it is? Is it match backs twenty? What is it twenty song on your Riot profile? How does it again? You have three? If I was single right now, I would have absolutely

hitt on Riot. It's not swipe. It's just like a click right at check mark. I think, uh yeah, I I barely use it. I think I used it for a day and I was like, not for me. It's a lot of I find it a little superficial. It's probably because you're the only person in Montreal with a Riot account, just like Peter is the only person in the entire state of Wisconsin with one as well. I had a Riot and there was nobody within three miles

of me. I actually, that's so funny. So I did see Peter's account and I'm like, I saw your account. He's like, did you click? Yes? Or no, And I was like, and then when I guess, I got out of the app, so his profile just disappeared. But then Nick's profile showed up. Oh what did you do? But what are you nodding at? I was like, when you were like, oh, he asked me if I liked him or not? And I got out of the app, So it must have just like changed, And now it's quite

all right. You didn't want to and I don't know. And then Nick's popped up, and then what happened? Wait, we'll describe us next profile because obviously you snooped. Remember I just saw his name as picture, and I'm like, I don't think it's like healthy for me to just check his profile right now, So I'm like, let me just click. That's fair, that's good, probably for the heart. It would have been funny if you guys matched, right, Oh, if we would have matched, If I if I hearted him,

M I don't think you would have heard me. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't have, but it would just be a funny situation. It would have been a fantastic situation. Well yeah, so anyways, at the end of the day, great three weeks in South America, UM, I highly recommend getting down there if you have the chance to. Um,

I am going to. I mean, hopefully we can. What kind of stinks is a lot of times like people reach out to me on like Instagram or something like that and they're like, oh, I wish you could share more about your travels or something like that, and I know, like, obviously this is a dating podcast, but like I need to figure out a form where I can like start sharing that type of stuff. I'm gonna start rivaling Leslie with the blog, a travel blog. I think, you know,

it's probably not the best reason to do. That's the thing. I'm gonna go head to head. I'm gonna go head to head and I'm gonna take her down. No, I'm just kidding, UM, but I will. I think in the future, why not just create trouble block for the people, for the people that are interested in that kind of stuff. UM, I am. I'm going to consider trying to start. I know it's a lot of work, it's not easy, and Work and I kind of have an aversion to each other.

I also think it would be better for you because when you're lonely on these trips, sometimes creating a Tinder, you could be yeah, there you go, Yeah, yeah, exactly right, instead of editing pictures and watching Netflix yeah, or choosing what song is going to be on my profile. So we do have an expert in studio that's gonna talk about all things relationships. Her name is Hillary, No, not Clinton,

a different Hillary. But before we jump into that, we want to talk about a little thing that we've been talking about in the podcast for a few weeks now that we all love. You know it, we know it. It's Amazon fire TV. I gotta tell you so, after traveling for three weeks, there were not many things that I missed, but one of those things was definitely my Amazon Fire TV. Do you do you stream a lot? Do you watch a lot of TV? YouTube videos? Uh? Hbo, Netflix,

you name it, the whole caboodle. And the cool thing about Amazon fire TV is that you can watch all of those pretty easily. You can watch what's your favorite YouTube channel? Tea, my favorite YouTube channel? Yeah. I know, it's an exhausting question. I've talked about this before. It's called I can't remember the name of it, like kaiserks

that or something. How much could you possibly love it if you don't remember the name of it because it's like some weird like Dutch word or something like that. That's fair. It's in a nutshell. Basically, check it out YouTube. I'll send you some videos. I would love that. I'm a big watch Mojo guy because it gives ranks of a lot of different pop culture references, but mainly focuses on films. I've talked about it before. I don't really

care about pop cultural it's the best though. It's like top ten um movies, uh with plot twist that did not save a bad movie or something like that. It's cool, it's cool. It's anything the least interesting thing I could possibly think of anyway. But so you're, you know, watching YouTube, like we've just been talked about, it's all about you. Whatever your favorite channel is, you can watch it on your big screen with fire TV. It's the ultimate x

of entertainment and relaxation. I've been been watching The Good Place. I've talked about this with Ashley. Ashley's choice was The Good Place, My Choices, Barry the Moment, Bill Hayter on So Good Good Place. I finished season three just recently too. It's fantastic. Oh I haven't gotten there. Yeah, I'm only a season two. Another really cool thing about Amazon fire tv is that if you connected to Alexa, all you have to do is say Alexa open YouTube, Open YouTube,

and you're brought to your favorite YouTube channel. Uh. That's so much better than watching on your laptop or when I have to squat into my phone. And if it wasn't enough, you can even listen to this podcast that you're currently listening to right now on fire TV with your I Heart Radio app. You can also listen to any music they've got up there. I always say, if you're listening to this podcast on your Amazon fire TV right now, d ms on Instagram and we'll give you

a shout out or something. Yeah, because it's actually pretty cool that somebody's listening to us on their TV. So we've made it. We're stars. If you're not listening to it on Amazon fire TV, what you should be doing is buying an Amazon fire TV. So go to www dot Amazon dot com Slash I Suck podcast again that Amazon dot Com Slash I Suck podcast to order a

fire TV of your very own. They make great Christmas grifts for your friends, for your family, for yourself, for your dog, for your turtle, for your parrot, for your pet snake, for your thrown away tonail, clipping your pet rat, all the things Amazon dot com, slash, I suck podcasts, grab a fire TV of your very own, or for your friends or family or whoever or whatever it might be. Jared, I think we should also talk about stamps. I love Love,

I love stamps, my favorite other Christmas stamps. When I was a kid, we obviously sent out Christmas cards and we would always buy the holiday edition of stamps at the post office, whether it be like Santa Claus, Mrs Claus, Frosty Rudolph right of course, and especially with the holiday is coming up, you want to make sure you have your stamps so that way you can mail all your gifts.

And what's great about stamps dot com is you don't have to go to the post office to wait in line to buy your stamps all that kind of stuff. All you need to do is go to stamps dot com, where you can access all the services of the post office right from your desk. You can buy and print real U S postage for any letter or any package, all available twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. All you have to do is click print in mail

and you're all done. Stamps dot Com will even send you a digital scale where you can weigh your letters and packages and print the exact amount of postage every time. And right now you can use guess what code for a special four week trial which includes a postage and a digital scale. So don't wait. You can go to stamps dot com. So before you do anything else, you're listening to us right now. All you have to do is click on the radio microphone at the top of

the homepage. When you go to stamps dot com and type in d e A and stamps dot com entered Dean. You get a discount. Go to stamps dot com right now, get your stamps not even delivered right so you you're basically it's like printing money almost. I know, I hate going to the post office anyway, the stuff. I live like a mile away from one, and I always am dreading it when I have to go. There's always some sort of way, and there's just I feel like it's kind of like going to the d m V. Something's

always gonna go around. Have you done Christmas shopping yet? Not as much as I should have. I've been going back and forth because I'm flying back to a Rode Island for the holidays, or whatever gifts I buy, I have to pack with me. Yeah, that's tough. You can just send ship to your house. Maybe I was going to do that as well, but then I don't know, like my parents gifts are going to be shipped to their house. It's like, oh, I really spent a lot

of effort into this doing stamps dot Com. Though stamps dot com you could ship them through Stamps. Well, obviously I'm gonna if I do ship them to the house, I'm gonna go on stamps dot com so don't have to go to the post office print um put them on there. This year, I'm really proud of myself. I ordered a bunch of gifts before I even left for South America. Came home to a bunch of just bad boxes. Or I got some stuff from my sister for some

of my friends. You are well prepared, my friendly, proud of myself, and you should be ordering some stamps to send your parents back. I will get it right now. I've been telling everybody that they should go to stance dot com right now. That's what I'm gonna do. I have my phone out literally in my hand going to stamps dot com slash dean um. So in studio, we have the wonderful Hillary gold shar Am, I saying that properly almost it's gold shirld s. Excuse me, Hilary. Well,

thank you so much for joining us today. Now you are a psychologist, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah, Well, I have a private practice in Beverly Hills, and I would call myself a relationship expert and kind of under that umbrella like a couple expert, relationship with the self, relationship with families, relationship with friends,

just sort of all about understanding intimacy. And other specialties include eating disorders, couples, trauma, anxiety, depression, that sort of thing. And I tend to work with a celebrity client out, so I have additional insight into what it's like to be in the public eye dealing with relationship type issues. Well, your offices are in Bilvery Hills, so I'm sure you work with a lot of celebrities over there, So I'm

curious what makes you a relationship expert? Like you said that you you describe yourself as one, So what makes you that? Yeah, I mean, I think the core of most people's struggles and issues are around relationships. Relationship with the self, relationship with the opposite sex, relationship with the family.

And as I got into the world of psychology, I think that really became where most of my analysis and profiling of people as I worked at them came from, is trying to understand how they are in relationship to other people. Well, I mean that's a good point too, because I feel like humans by nature are just obviously

very relationship driven types of people. And it's funny too because we think about it and it's like the only really well, I mean, I guess I can't really speak for everyone out there, but when I think about relationships, I only think about relationships with the opposite sex that

I would be interested in romantically. Right. I never really considered relationships as relationships with my self and relationships with my friends and my family, because those are just the kind of the constants, right, Um, And so so you basically have people that approach you for all of those

types of things. Then, well, I think in my work what I found is that inevitably, whatever issues that are coming up with people and their intimate relationships are almost always connected to our relationships with our family of origin, stuff that happened we're growing up, stuff that happened throughout our lifetime with friends and family that impact kind of help we move through the world and what relationship style

we adopt with the opposite sex. I think like, once you hit a certain point in your life, you're most focused on your opposite sex relationship or romantic partnership. But as you're trying to figure out like what you're doing right and wrong and those relationships, that almost always touches back to familial dynamics. So I think it's more about that.

I'm sure people come to my office and want to talk about the relationship with their mother or the brother or their best friends of their sibling, but more from the not as couple of stuff. But it always ends

up sort of relating back to old relationship style. So if you were to do like a higher higher our goal rank of relationships, one that bleeds into the next, right, it all kind of starts with the familial what and then it goes into self and then it could be into romantic relationships or how how do you think you would kind of go about Yeah, that's a that's a

great question. I mean I think at the like the top of the foundation or whatever it is, philosophical hierarchy would be like the mom you know would be like mom would be your matriarch of the family. I mean mom and dad are so important, but mom and the relationship that you have with your mom so informed how

you view yourself, how you move through the world. And then yes, I think underneath is you start to discover, like who you are outside of your relationship with your parents and your siblings and your extended family, and then figuring out how you relate to other people, like first with friends and like middle school in high school, and then the opposite sex and how i'd um, how I think about when you when you present that. Yeah, um,

I have a question. So, first of all, you sound like a guardian angel because you don't only work with couples, which also work with families who cope with postpartum depression and parenting and all that, which is wonderful, and I feel like we're finally getting to an age where people

are a lot more open to it. I'm from the East Coast, so I feel like I've had a discussion with someone recently and I was talking about the importance of going to therapy, and like in my culture and the Italian culture, it's deemed, um, like you're a weak person if you're going to therapy and if you need help from an outside source other than your family. And I want to be able to help people understand the

importance of it. I only started there once, um I was on the Bachelor, and within the last three years, I feel like I've drastically changed and I've seen I've come to understand the world romantically, the romantic, my romantic relationships, my relationship with myself in a very different light. And it's people, thanks to you, that have helped me get to that point. So first of all, I just want to say thank you and anyone that's listening, if you do need to seek help, I support it and I'm

a big advocate for that. Now I want to ask you if you know, like sometimes I go through different situations in life, whether that's like with work or personal or romantic relationships. And I heard that there's a point in time I think from like age zero to five or I don't know what if there's an age gap. Things that have happened to you when you're younger kind of reappear later on in life, but you don't know

where it stems from. But they say like between the ages of am I don't know if I'm making any sense, Like there's like a certain age where if you've had trauma that might reappear later on in life. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if there's empirical evidence that sort of brackets out certain ages per se, But certainly there is lots of anecdotal and empirical evidence that talks about if there's trauma in childhood. I don't know, maybe ten and under.

It certainly informs how we relate to the world, how we view ourselves, and oftentimes, if those things don't get addressed, will repeat them in our relationships more often than not. So if we were abandoned by a parent through a worse or death, or father left his family or something, then maybe we end up on the receiving end of being abandoned a lot in relationships, choosing people who can't be emotionally available, or maybe we do the abandoning sort

of thing. So patterns can keep repeating themselves unless we do I see Dean pointingum guilty right and unlet if it goes unaddressed and we don't think about it in a super conscious way. Then it ends up showing up somehow in our life. Symptoms show up, whatever those symptoms are. On to your point, Vanessa, oftentimes the symptom, so to speak, ends up being a pattern in relationships. One thing one sorry to interrupt, it's just before we kind of expand

on that topic. One thing that I really dislike. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people, like for me, for instance, is when people that I've never met before, nor do I know, nor will I ever meet, are constantly saying, ah, he needs therapy, he should go to therapy. I hope that boy gets therapy. That stuff really pisces

me off. Why because it's like, who the hell are you to tell someone else that they need to go to therapy, right, Like, obviously it's always good to know that therapy is an outlet for someone, but other people that don't know you have no place telling you what you do and don't need, And that stuff really just

really makes me so angry. Of course, that's in any avenue of life, whether people tell you like, oh, you need to be on this or you need to do this, and I think therapy is just an outlet for that I think. Don't get me wrong, like the therapy. When I go to therapy, I under I see myself benefiting

from it. But I don't want other people to be telling other people that what they need, and if that thing is therapy, it just doesn't make sense, Like they don't really necessarily have a place to like step in and be like you need this because your your life so left up, sorry bleeped up, you need this, sure, but I think I just wanted to distinguish this. You're not saying that people shouldn't advocate other people going to therapy.

Like for example, like if I was talking to a friend and I thought that they needed help, it's my job,

it's a friend could be like suggested. But what you're saying is that somebody that has no idea who you are, what you're about, should not make a judgment on you within first five it's a meeting you, right, So what they'll say is like they'll what they'll see something bad happen, and then their retort will be like, oh, go to therapy, like like it's just it's it's I just feel like they put it as like a band aid for something and they think like it's just it's it's frustrating to

me anyway. Sorry. Um well, also, I mean therapy. Obviously I'm a huge fan of therapy, but therapy is not the only way that people can deal with personal issues, Like it has to resonate and be at a point in your elector it feels like, yes, that's an outlet I want to pursue. And there's a difference between a carrying others saying like, oh, I wonder if this could be a solution or something helpful for you, when someone saying like I see something about your life that feels chaotic.

Don't help yourself and my personal experience. So I've done three separate stints in therapy right when I was younger. When I was ten, I did it, When I was fifteen, I did it, and then when I'm twenty seven I've done it as well. And those first two times I got nothing out of it because I was being essentially

urged or forced to go to therapy. And I don't think you really will get anything out of therapy until you make the conscious decision for yourself to be like, all right, I'm gonna go and do this and work

on myself. Right, So until I was like, I'm going to go do this because as I want to do it because I want to better myself, and whatever avenue it is that I want to better myself in, then that's when you start to see the results, right, And so people are like not necessarily making you or unless you're willing and receptive to the idea of it, I don't think you're going to get as much out of it. Obviously, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you're

gonna get as much out of it otherwise. Well, that's interesting because I have a little bit of a different experience because I was probably in my like early twenties when I was going through this really bad breakup and I blamed a lot of it on myself, which was in the right because it was a lot of my

fault and went through kind of a dark period. And it was somebody else that suggested, hey, listen, you should maybe just go talk to someone, and they suggested me to a therapist, and I was really uneasy about it because I didn't want to go to therapy. I didn't even want to talk about it. Because it's very similar to Vanessa said, in my own head, in the way I was brought up, it was a sign of weakness

to a sense. But then I ended up going and I ended up really enjoying it, and I I went to therapy for about a year and a half weekly and be able to just talk about anything, not even just about the relationship with the dark period I was going through, but just everything in my life, anything I wanted event about. So it was interesting because I had a different perspective because I make the conscious decision on my own to go.

It was somebody else that said you should probably do this and it might make you feel better, and it did make me feel better, someone that was close to you,

obviously family member. So that's but I think the difference is what you're saying, Dean, and I think you're a little bit jaded by the your experience you have on reality TV, which is people on social media or people coming up to you in everyday life who have no idea who you are, thinking they know who you are because you're on a television show and suggesting things that they shouldn't suggest, and maybe they're right. That's the thing too, It's like they could be right, but it's still just

like frustrating, you know what I mean. Yeah, But it's one thing to impose what someone else thinks that they should be doing and put that onto someone else, and it's another thing to advocate, like Jared was saying, and suggest it. Say hey, I've done it. I think it's great. And I opened up about my experiences UM on and off the show. I and I talked. I openly talk about Hillary and this is what I want to talk

about with you as well. I openly talk about having done couples therapy with Nick while we were together UM, and I think it was important for us to also stick stick with the same therapist, UM, who obviously was part of the franchise, So she was there from the beginning of our relationship until the end of it, and she saw the progress and she saw, you know, things that we needed to both work on, and so ever

since then, I haven't been I've been dating. I haven't had a serious relationship since the ending of my engagement with Nick. Very much open to it. I'm trying everything that I can to get there, but it's dating nowadays, is anyway. So I wanted to ask, do you suggest couples therapy? UM? For all couples, or do you think a couples therapy should be UM something couples should look into when and if it arises at a certain point.

Should it be a preventative or should it be something kind of like we exercise every day to be physically well, so should we exercise our mental well being as a couple. Yeah,

it's a good question. I mean, I think it's hard to imagine a scenario where a couple can be together and have a life together and not have stuff come up, and so whatever that is, and at whatever period of time, I think it makes sense to to go to someone, whether or not it's a therapist or like a trusted other or a pastor, or like a book or something, but some resource to help you start thinking about your communication style, your relationship style, and how you deal with conflict,

and how you deal with creating connection and intimacy with each other. And I would absolutely recommend doing it in a preventative fashion versus just on UM, either an ad hoc basis or when there's a crisis, because when you're trying to like sort of bury you're buried inside of crisis or something, trying to get yourself out of it for the first time. In therapy, it can be much more challenging than having like a language between you two already in terms of how you deal with how you

communicate and such. So, how did someone go to find a therapist I've had. I've been to one therapist and it was someone from off off of the Bachelord franchise, and after that I didn't feel like I I went to go see her and she's like, oh, there's a bright light that I fell in love with the first time I met. So it was nice to just get back to the place that I was at when I first met this therapist and then after that. Um, I mean I have friends who are therapists who don't charge me,

which I love. But I so someone who is looking for a therapist, how do they even research that? Yeah, I'm so glad you asked that question, because it actually is a kind of challenging process. I mean, depending on your financial situation. If you have insurance, you can contact your insurance company and get a list of providers are in your network if that's something that you have to

have happened. If finances aren't an issue, using the Internet to google like therapists in your area is a good way. There's certain um websites like psychology today find a therapist dot com that you can um google therapist in your area and their specialties will come up as well. I would highly recommend to interviewing at least two, probably three

therapists to find someone that really resonates with you. I think when you're in a vulnerable position and you go see a therapist that sort of feels like, oh, the first one should be right, because like I'm broken and

I should make this work kind of thing. But it's it's it's got to be like an organic, comfortable connection, and you should advocate for yourself that you find that and that when you say interview, what do you mean you're gonna go sit down and meet them and not necessarily have a session with them, but just kind of have a conversation. No, I mean have a session. I mean some therapists will do like a free consult on

the phone or even a free in person session. Most will charge like a regular session, but I sort of mean in the sense of having like what would what would be a regular session, but in your mind thinking about like does this feel comfortable asking them questions about how they work, um, how they're going to help you

form goals? What kind of time frame do they imagine that you would be working with them to address the issues that you're looking to address, that sort of thing like like feeling um uh empowered to ask this kind of questions. Yea. So Hillar, you talking about the hierarchy of relationships, and you said that probably at the top is the relationship with your parents, and so for me, I guess my question is why do people put such an emphasis on the relationship with a significant other over

everything in life? I feel, why would that? Why do people put such an emphasis on like finding the one or finding love when even you just said, probably the most important relationship is with your parents, or your family or the environment you grew up in. Well, in my mind, I was thinking about the hierarchy in terms of like a formative hierarchy, right, like what forms who we are and how we kind of interact with other people. So once we become adults, for sure all of us have

the romantic relationship is our primary relationship. And that's appropriate. I mean that that makes sense. But the way that we as long as it's not with one of your parents, right then we have another, then you definitely want to

head into their vage. But I think the at least people that come into my office and most anecdotal conversations I have with friends and UM, other colleagues and such, when we're looking at how we show up in relationships, it almost always can be tracked back to our relationship within our family, UM, the position that we took our relationship in terms of how our parents communicated their love, how they didn't um, what their love love language was, what ours is, and so it always informs how we

show up in romantic relationships. But but as you get become an adult, you're a romantic relationship is certainly your primary relationship and where we put all of our vulnerability, all of our hopes, all of our wishes, all of our dreams inappropriately. So do you do you think that it's uh like a birds of flather birds of feather mentality? Where?

Because I was thinking about this actually not too maybe like a week or two ago, about how like do you think that someone that's from a broken home is better off with someone from a very well structured and like proper home, or do you think like two broken homes people's work together better, you know what I'm I'm saying. Yeah, I don't know what you're saying. You know, I gets all about if I don't think we should stop the

analysis there. I think, like the broken home people, it depends on what their journey has been, if they've been able to seek assistance and help in growing and working through some of their issues, and they're able to be more insightful and community communicative and evolved as a result, than maybe they can be paired with either one depending on their evolution, you know, I think I think it's more about how people have evolved and how they're able

to kind of take their experiences and um work them into how they how they interact with the world around them and people, then whether or not they were from a broken home to begin with, because well, so my personal experience, I've dated both, I've come from a broken home, you know, like Blave had my experience, my troubled past with my family and all that kind of stuff. Um, and I've dated girls. One girl comes to mind who has a very strong family unit, like her mom and dada,

her best friend, all that kind of stuff. And I loved it, and I was like, this is great. It is exactly what you know a childhood dreamed to have throughout their entire life. But then at the same time, on the flip side of it, I was like, well, then it makes it hard for you to understand my perspective on a lot of things because you've never had

to struggle the same way that I've had. And then I did another girl who had a very difficult upbringing, and we could relate on our traumatic childhood that type of stuff. But then on the other side of it, it was like, oh, well, now neither of us know how to form a like a successful family moving forward because we've never really experienced it for ourselves, you know what I mean. So there's it's like a weird way you can kind of argue both sides of each side

of it. Yes, from someone who just experienced it. As you talked about what did you find was beneficial? Neither of them were beneficial. Well, I think that's but I think that's right you were. You reminded me of There's like a concept in psychology called the wounded kids collusion, and if you think of those words, it's like two wounded kids who come together as adults and like try

to make it work. And that's like a difficult pairing because if neither has evolved like a more sophisticated way of dealing with their emotions and shaping themselves into a more productive adults, you just have like two wounded kids, like kind of floundering. You know, some maybe you've had those experiences or if I was like, yeah, this doesn't

really work. But having said that, you're right, if it's such a stark contrast that you're with someone who hasn't had to struggle in that way at all, then you might feel sort of vulnerable and not heard or understood, and so hopefully that there's a middle ground. You know that somehow, some way, no matter the origin of the person that you're with, that they've had their own struggles and evolution that lets them be able to relate right to kind of bring you to the same level on

certain things. M Dean, I remember, I remember you opening up to me about that conversation about the specific person that you dated. Um. I think we were about to like whole food or whatever to eat, and you had mentioned that you felt like that person was kind of shouting in your in your face that they came from a picture perfect family. I guess my question to you is, do you was it something that you felt that person was doing or was it your I don't know, for

lack of a better word, insecurities. Well, I don't think. I don't think it wasn't penstional on their part. I think that it was just kind of the only thing that they knew, and especially coming from like certain parts of America, like certain different areas value family much more much differently. Whatever it is, um, And I mean, I

don't know. You know, when you enter into a relationship and people kind of want to project their own values onto you because then they want you to kind of adopt them and share those types of ideals and beliefs as well. Um, I don't think. I don't think it was intentional to to your question. I think it was just a matter of like, this is how this is how I've experienced life. I've lived it, and this is how I plan on continuing to live it. And you have to get it now, like either get it or

you don't get this sort of thing. And when you don't get it, it's going to be like frustrating. Like I don't know it was. It was obviously not meant to be not meant to be. But it's not like I've experienced everything every one of my clients has experienced, Right, It's not that a woman that you ultimately fall in love with has to come from home. They just have to have like the skill set of support and empathy, in compassion and like able to hold vulnerability and be

vulnerable themselves. Right to be it sounds like a match for you. It sounds like this person was like holding a space for some vision of perfection or not wanting to let some of those I don't know, flaws or messiness and in fairness, that relationship had a lot of other flaws working with it as well, but but that was definitely one of them. It was it was like a feeling of constant inadequacy, you know where it's like, oh, I'll never be able to give you what you have

in your like I don't know. Growing up. Yeah, I think it makes me sad hearing that guns. I think I was kind of that person before the show. I come from a very strong Italian background with like big traditions, and for me, I was never really attracted to the Italian guy. I was attracted to people who came from different cultural backgrounds or religious backgrounds, but we didn't have the same I guess um level of understanding when it

came to our values and our traditions and stuff. And I've been hold a few times once or twice that the men felt inadequate, and I think it's because I unintentionally impose my values and my traditions onto them without

realizing I was doing that. And looking back, I think it's thanks to the show, thanks to being on The Bachelor, that it's allowed me to understand where and why I was doing that, and I think it came from impose values from my cultural um, from my family, thinking that's exactly what I wanted, but in retrospect that I don't want exactly the type of lifestyle that they have. I want the family, I want the husband. I want a loving and and happy household, but not in the same

way that they got it. And it's only now that I'm starting to realize that. At thirty one before when I said, before we jump into our spot, I have a question for you, and everyone is well, Hill love to hear your opinion as well. Let's say you're dating someone and your parents hate this person. It's a strong word, but just like, like, you love this person, but they strongly like dislike, maybe don't agree with a lot of their own core values, but you love him like you

know him obviously better than your parents would. Would you still be keen on the relationship or no. I've never dated someone that my family outright said they didn't like. They only mentioned it after we broke up, so they never imposed their opinions. They've never imposed their opinions on my relationship. But I think if they were really keen on not seeing a future, I don't think I'd be able to date them. I'm so close to my family and I really value their opinions. Um. And they're not

judgmental at all, Like my family is the most easy going. Uh, they're super accepting. UM. So if there's not, I don't think I'd be able to do it. Hillary, what do you think? That's a tough question. I mean there could be another number of different scenarios that could present themselves on long as the family is coming from well intentioned place and it isn't related to dynamics that aren't healthy, like over a protective mom or um. You know, Dad

who doesn't want another man's energy in his world? Right, if it isn't coming from a from an unrecognized, unexplored place of the parents that are imposing like their stuff on their kids. I mean, it could be really complicated. Um, I think it's fine. It's it's it's expected that most kids would pay attention to what their adult children would pay attention to what their parents thought. But I think ultimately it's really important for a grown adult to make

their own decisions. And even if it's a mistake in judgment that you experience, you learn from it and you can recover from it. And even if it means taking a stance sort of quote agains to your parents. Um that that's all part of individuating from your family. So I don't know. I mean, I think it could go both ways. Also think if we put unhealthy habits aside, like you talked about overprotective mother or things like that.

Maybe it depends on your stage in life. For example, if you're a teenager and your parents are disliking the person you're dating, I think that's a different statement than it would be if they dislike the person when you're thirty, absolutely because it's a teenager. Like for example, if you have a daughter and there's a teenage boy, and I might be very overprotective if I'm lucky enough to have kids one day, um, And so I can understand a

parent coming from that aspect and being a little playful. Um. But if you're thirty and your parents don't like you, and your parents would never displayed any type of over protection or you know, hindering on your relationships, um, then that might be some red flags. Yeah. I I have two boys who are four and eight months old, but i have eighteen years to influence them, and I'm taking every moment I can. So I totally agree with you, Jared.

You know, during those eighteen years, giving your opinion, direction, um, setting boundaries, etcetera. Like, do them all because you're you want them to internalize your wise voice during that time. And then after eighteen it's like, well and then you let them enter the west. That's one of the pros and not having parents is you don't have to worry about their opinions of your significant on there. So there we go. I have been, I have been. I have

been a few times in my life. When I was in high school, I was dating my girlfriend at the time, who actually was a guest on this podcast that my first love of my life. Her parents were divorced, so she lived with her mom, and her mom like loved me but also hated me at the same time because I was not encouraging but like her and I would like rebel together, you know what I mean. So like she saw me as like the catalyst to her daughter's rebellion. And then even in my adult life, UM, I was

dating a girl. This is post bachelor in Paradise, which obviously I get a bad rep for that for for I mean rightfully, so I do, um, and I think the girl who I was dating at the time, her parents had seen bad certain paradise, and so she was ashamed to tell her parents that her and I were dating going on dates because of that, because she knew that her parents been a very sour taste in their

math about me. So that's kind of why I asked. Yeah, the healthiest adult version of that scenario is that a parent can communicate to their adult kids like, hey, I have these concerns. I love you, I'm here for you,

I support you no matter what you'resis. It all comes from a place of love, right, that's right, I mean right, And we hope so and how it gets communicated can vary, but I mean as I said, I think parents being able to give their opinion and kids taking in with them, stepping back and allowing their adult children to make their own choices and mistakes and being there for them is

It's sort of the best we could hope for. Well, before we jump into our next bit, I would love to tell you guys about two of our favorite things in the entire world. Yes, which your two favorite things in the world are me and Venus are right? Well, my third and fourth favorite thing using this world, Thrive Market, might be one of them. To be honest, th Market,

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this dice organic dice tomato. And then I've tried from Thrive Market. It's non GMO, it's it's b p A free and what I love especially what I love about it it's sourced direct from the farmers, so it's basically you know what you're getting. It's it's super healthy. And then one of my um unlike my friend came over and they were cleaning my house with with windecks. I'm like, oh, there's so many chemicals in windecks. I don't like that stuff.

So if you go on Thrive Market and you click on home and you click on household cleaners, I actually bought this product called Lavender cleaning vinegar from Aunt Fanny's and it's a non toxic product. And I have my nephews. My nephew comes coming over and I have a bunch of kids come over, so I want to make sure that my house is non toxic for whenever I have little kids running around. So it's great not only for food.

I have the same products to the lavender. It's like a it's it's like a windex it's it's a table cleaner. That's what I use it for. No toxic. Yeah, it's non toxic, which is a great thing. And guys Thrive Market, like Vanessa and Dean just said, it's not just food, but it has wine in there. It has cleaning products, beauty products. I've gotten shampoo from Thrive, I've gotten body washed from Thrive. I've gotten face washed from Thrive. Dean,

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one more spot you wanted to talk about. There's one more spot, and since Hillary is in studio today, I actually wanted to have her um chime in on this. So last week you weren't in studio, Jared and I were talking about was it last week I was talking about granny panties? Vanessa, you talk about granny panties every week,

So anyways, I think it was last week. I was talking about how like, I'm really not cute when I go to bed, and um, so Hillary, I want to have I I want to know what your take is on like being cute when you go to bed and like being sexy and stuff. So you guys heard me talk about how much I love my granny panties. But since now we're talking, you know, you guys kind of made fun of me um about the underwear that I wear. I've been trying to up my game a little bit.

I've I've spoke about this before, Dean. It has actually tried my brawl when it came in studio. So there's no better way. Yeah, there's no better way to do this than go to third Love. It's actually amazing. So what's crazy when you think about it? When we go shoe shopping, you go for like a I'm a six and a half, so I'm obviously a half size when it comes to shoes. But I didn't know that I was actually a half size cup in bra. So I'm actually I'm not gonna say what cup size I am,

but I'm and a half. So that's what's amazing about Third Love. So you go online, it's really simple. All you have to do is UM click on their fit finder quiz, answer a few simple questions to find a perfect fit. They have seventy sizes, including their signature half cup sizes, which is amazing. UM. And what's great about them is they're using millions of real women's measurements. So Third Love designs it's braws with breast size and shape and mind for an impeccable fit an incredible feel. I'm

actually wearing right now. They're UM classic strapless braw and black, which I find in the winter time because I get like kind of pale. It's nice to go with darker colors. So I have like one and plum was like a darker purple and this one I'm wearing UM in black. I'm wearing in black. So they have a new cotton collection, which I'm obsessed with. I find cotton to be very cute and sexy. Right, guys, cotton could be one of my favorite fabric And I love the way you say

coton cotton. Yeah, cotton. I really pronounced those teas. So they have a new cotton collection that I'm actually currently wearing, and they're actually really comfortable. The underwears, they're super comfortable. They don't look like granny panties. Um, so you know I'll be my game. Third Love knows there's a perfect rough for everyone. Like I said, right now, wearing their

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how you want to know what's funny. I'm looking at this year right now and it says you can get their cotton underwear, and I looked at it very quickly and I said, I thought it said you can get their Colton underwear Colton on sale January seven nationwide. I'm sure I love it. So yeah, check it out there love dot com, slash Vanessa and get your and a

half sized bras delivered straight to your house. Perfect. Um. So, we have some Facebook questions that I'd love to talk about with Hillary, Hillary, if you're open to the idea of answering some of these questions with us, Yeah, what's your schedule looking like, Hill, Let's do it. I'll hang out with you guys. Perfect. Perfect. And again, if you guys haven't joined the Facebook group, it is help I

Suck a dating podcast Facebook group. Join it today. Lots of connections and friendships and questions being answered in that little form. So the first one comes from I'm assuming this is Miranda and it's a typo? Or is it Miranda? Moranda? Mirandaah, that's a beautiful name. She said. This year, I feel like I've tried so many times to be happy being angle, but have been struggling. How do I not How do I not let finding a relationship be the factor that

determines my happiness? What would you say for that? Hillary? Oh, that's such a ubiquitous quest and journey for i'd say women more than men that you know, I think that I don't know. I don't want to sound like overly stereotypical in terms of UM women in men's roles, but

I do think we're all friends. I think there's just more of a primitive pull for women to settle down and um nest and to um secure a scenario where that can have children and um to just be more future focused because of those I mean really sort of primitive urges UM and I think most women at a certain age, like in their mid to late twenties, if still single, start to worry about what that means. There's cultural pressures, there's familial pressures, and there's internal pressures. Will

this ever happen for me? When will it be in time for me to have kids? That sort of thing. So there's like a reality component to this quest, this pressure of this like problem mma that a lot of single women face. And there's no perfect answer, but there's like a set of things that I think most people should do if they're single. I mean, first of all,

self compassion is really important. It is totally normal and appropriate to want to have a relationship, and I want to have those things for yourself and to have a portion of your heart and life and mind thinking about that. So I think, just like trying to have an ease, that that's one of the things that you want, and um that that's going to be part of someone's like

quest and hope, Um until that happens is okay. But I think on the journey sort of trying to figure out a way to have grace and emotional containment is really important. And I mean, some of these things we've all heard before, um, but part of that is because

they're they're tried and true. It's really important to try to build other aspects of your life that are meaningful to you, whatever that means, whether it's professional stuff, friendship stuff, hobbies, pursuing, I mean doing You just went on a three week adventure, the third or fourth of mine, But I like, I'm sure it had it's ups and downs, right that some of it was probably amazing and wonderful and built up huge parts of yourself and I'm sure someone's were lonely

when you did end up on Tinder? Yeah, do you guys, do you guys know who Kiana Reeves is by any chance. Yeah, huge Kiano fans, So I'm actually I'm I'm a big Kiana fan as well. And he's got some pretty fun quotes, like interesting quotes, like thought provoking quotes that he's shared with the world. I was scrolling through and I saw this one the other day that's actually perfect for this topic.

He says. Someone told me the other day that he felt bad for single people because they're lonely all the time, and Kiana told him it's not true. I'm single. I don't feel lonely. I take myself out to dinner, I buy myself clothes. I have great times by myself. Once you know how to take care of yourself, company becomes an option and not a necessity. Okay, And I love that. I get him because the biological problem when in and

I hate that. Hate that because he's Kiana Reeves. Of course he can take himself out when you're finding over a million times like you have to understand that. It's just Kiana Reeves is allowed to say that because he could. He has the opportunity to surround himself with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. He said, he takes himself out. He takes himself out on a date, so women could do that. Because I bet he takes himself out on a date because he's tired of being around people. I think it's

an option for him. Where I disagree. I completely disagree with that comment. I believe that people take himself out to dinner a lot of times in everyday world because it's a necessity, not because it's a choice of their own. I think the point that he's trying to make it once you love yourself, you don't necessarily need the company of other people. I completely agree. And yet society today puts a premium on being in a relationship. Why is that?

Why why do we live in such a society where like, the most important thing is marriage, family, kids, And yet we also say, on the other hand, well, the most important thing is loving yourself. Because I think it's like one thing, it's one thing that we can't control. We can control our career, we can control like what, uh, you know, how much weight we want to gain, how much weight we want to lose, or what we want to eat, But we can't control whether or not someone

will love us. We can't control whether or not we're going to find someone or whether or not we're going to have that family. So I guess it's a sense of it being up in the air. At least that's that's what it is for me. Like I want to have a family, I want to have kids, I want to have a husband. Is it going to happen? I sure hope so. But I've learned, as i've now I'm thirty one, i've been single for the last two and a half years, I've learned to really just enjoy my

own company. And I guess that's why I could relate to Kiano's um quote, like, yeah, I take myself out. I take pride and making my own money. I take pride in paying my own rent. I've never had a dollar given to me. I've been working since I was fourteen.

So I take pride in being being able to be financially stable on my own, emotionally stable on my own, in order to allow that perfect person and perfect meaning, that person that's perfect for me to enter my life and just add value to it without having to You know, yes, of course, that you're absolutely right. You should take pride

in yourself and you should have self love. What I'm saying for this particular quote is he was responding to someone saying, oh, I feel bad for people being single, especially around the holidays, and he's like, well, I don't I take myself out to dinner. I do stuff by myself, and that's that's awesome, Kiano, And I love you as an actor, and I've listened to a lot of interviews

with Canaries and I'm a huge fan of his. But I think it's just I mean, I don't blame him for saying and of course he can say whatever he wants, but in terms of this conversation, I just I disagree with him. I think there's two truths in there. I mean, as a celebrity, there's a certain kind of buffer in the world that there they received that other people don't. I think it's probably true that Kanna reeves going out

to dinner. It's different than like someone in Kansas going out to dinner by themselves in terms of the attention they're going to get or feeling admired or seen or validated, right,

I mean, it's just different. So I think that's what you're speaking to Joe, and I agree, But I also think that he got to a kernel of truth that we're trying to get at, which is that ultimately, no matter who you are, when you go to bed at night, you're still like in whatever pajamas, whether they're branny panties or not, but in your pajamas, going to bed by yourself.

Even if you are Piana Reeves and you have to have and if you're single, you have to figure out what your relationship is going to be with that, with being alone, and sometimes it can be really sad and lonely.

And sometimes you can work yourself to a place that Kiana has arrived at and then others arrived at right where you're like, you know what nationa that you were talking about, where it's like I want these things for myself, a husband and family and all those things, but like I I'm like cobbling together a life that feels full, you know, and that feels hopeful and that feels resonant to me. I guess for me. And maybe it's just

not the Kiano Reeves quote. Maybe you just spark something in make I love the vigor and passion that you have delivering this though, I guess I'm I I'm It's just life is very confusing a lot of the times, and I guess I get confused about like deeming what's important and what's not important. And we live in we well, I just feel we live in a world that puts such an emphasis. And I'm very lucky. I'm engaged, I'm

in love with my my fiance. We are I'm I'm a very lucky man because of that, And I understand that a lot of people are not in that similar situation. And so it's just hard because I think I hear all the time, like how people have so many regrets of like, you know, missing out on the one, or like you know, I should have done more with that relationship, or like they die alone. Right, Everybody says I'm terrified of dying alone, right they staying out with their left hand.

I'm terrified of dying alone. At the same time, I just have to love myself and and and that will complete my life. So it's like which one is it? But the thing is if you when you die alone, you're still going to go to wherever you go alone, right, Well, I mean it depends on your belief. I'm just saying, whether you die alone or with someone by your side, the fact is you're still dead. I think it's a very neolistic approach to that to life. I get it,

but it's true. I think just a lot of people would want their person with them, you know, as hopefully they die in peace. This is what I actually I think what your bring up is really important. I think there is an existential truth to people wanting to be with other people, to wanting to connect and not be alone.

I think there's just an existential truth to that. And since it's not always possible for whatever reason, right, not everyone is is lucky to find their person either ever or at a certain stage in life where it feels particularly important, or something happens and gets six sick and dies, or the dynamic changes in the divorce happens. But I think there's this reality that we all feel that no

one wants to be alone alone. It's an existential truth to being human, and so I think it's like trying to live with that existential truth and also the reality being in the world sometimes you are alone. So if you're alone, what do you do? You know, you try to love yourself. You try to fill your life in ways that feel full. You try to put together experiences that make you feel less lonely. You know what it means I think like they they coexist, like they're both true.

That like, I don't want to be alone, but if I'm alone, I'm going to do it in the most graceful, full way that I can. Kind of thing. Let's say I think that help, it does help you. We're going to say something, Yeah, Hillary, I think you brought up

a good point, the word connection. I think that's what we're all searching for, whether that's in a relationship or in a friendship, or anywhere in life you want to form connections, and the ending of any kind of connection is a hurtful one, whether that's the ending of a friendship or an ending of a relationship. Um, that's that's what I think that we're all searching for. Is connection. Can we move on to the next question, though, because I want to I want to talk. Yeah, did you

want to say something? I was just gonna say. I was going to prepare a hypothetical picture for us, but I think that would probably take too long for us to discuss in a brief I was gonna say, imagine we live a life from zero to eighteen and complete solitude where we don't spend time with anyone else other than ourselves, and then come eighteen years old, we're allowed to roam the world truly as we as we want. Then do you think hang out with other people takes

the same effect as it does now? No, because you're you're you've spent eighteen years of your life by yourself, So it's like then then that's when it's a necessity versus an option, in my opinion. And it's just like it's a weird thing to think of us because we're bred to be social creatures and then the fact that we're not social creatures for you know, short amounts of time in our life, then we begin to get depressed and upset with ourselves. I don't know, just so it

was just a weird way though. No, I agree, it's very going back to birds of a prey almost where you're brought up in a certain environment, brought up into certain society. Birds of a feather, birds of a feather, excuse me, birds of prey. That's a d c. Most living things are, though, I mean even animals, you know, seek to be with each other, connect lions and Nepal or something that. But that's I'm gonna read this question for you, Okay, Then you can answer it. Yeah, okay,

So this question is from Collins. Collins says, my significant other and I have been dating for a year. Since being together, we put on weight, but we have more sex and we are far more intimate with each other. Now why I feel like we have more time now to have sex? But why are we like teenagers again? I made getting back into shape of goal. Will I lose my sex life to get back into shape? And

that's the that you wanted? Yeah? Well, because I'm my thirties now, and Hillary correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I'm in my sexual prime women coming to it later? Right? Absolutely? This is it peak? I mean, I'm I'm thirties. I'm sorry, thirties you peak yea sexually not thirty but the decade of right, right? So I feel like I don't know, maybe men peak all the time, so they're always like ready to go, and women when they hit their thirties are like, oh yeah, I'm like

on the same level as you are. Now do you think that has anything? Is that true? Anything? Are peaking all the time now? Probably between like what sixteen and thirty two or something like that, right, I mean sixteen and thirty two. I mean, these are like pretty gross like generalizations, but right, but sure, yeah, I love that answer. So T T l DR for the listeners, this, this person and her significant other are having more sex after putting on more weight. And so Vanessa, you think it's

just an age thing. I think she's more alluding to the fact of why are they having more sex if they h I guess think that they're less physically attractive, because I think it's I think it's also the idea of just being able to be free. I think when you get comfortable with your own body, you're able to just be free in rom and and not second guess certain things that you may want to try or do or act or what do you think you may look like.

So maybe they both reached a point where they're comfortable being it's like, screw it, let's screw Yeah. Literally, it's weird for me because I noticed my sex drive depleting when I don't go to the gym, like I've been in the gym in like two months, and I'm just like, that's fine, I don't necessarily need to be going out and having sex anyways. But then I go to the gym and I work out like really hard because I'm like see myself getting like, you know, soft around the

corners and like out of shape. And I start working out more and I like feel myself like tightening up a little bit, and I'm like, oh, this is great. My sex drive is back. And it's just it's because your sex drive backwards because you feel good and you want to have sex. Yeah, exactly, that's what it is. Because I feel a lot better, Like when I sit in a chair, I don't feel my fat rolls roll over each other, you know what I mean. But you know what, I don't know. I feel like most women.

Maybe I'm speaking for myself. I want a guy who's not like horror like. I don't know. I don't want like a six pack. I want something I can cuddle with and not a guy like that's too much in the gym for me. Someone's way were into himself than they ever will be. In the relationship with Vanessa, Peter, Peter is pretty cut. I never dated Peter. Alex is pretty cut to Nick is pretty cut too. Yeah, all of these boys are pretty buff. Alex Alex, Yeah, why

did you bring Alex into that conversation? I don't know. I was just talking him on the phone the other day and Vanessa's name comes up, as it always does with him, So he's probably listening to this episode, Alex, I love you. Wait Vanessa, Alex, if you if you and Alex talked, Yeah, they dated for a couple of weeks, right, we did in date for a couple of weeks. We hung out in l A with my roommate and one

of his friends and who else was there? Christina was there, and Iggy was there, And then we went to like a department store and we just decided the guys decided to pick out these outrageous outfits and they put us in these crazy as outfits because you know how Alex is with his crazy outfits. That's all we did. But now he's just so many. He's such a great energy, he's so positive, he's so I love Alex. He's fun

to hang out with. Yeah. Anyways, what the point that I was trying to make is they're all very very very buff. Alex Alex's body is like, yeah, Alex would be on the top. What do you think about that? You're very very fit about the Thanks? Um, thank you? I Well back to your Facebook or the Facebook question.

I am thinking that maybe the sex has like open up because there's like there is like a letting go judgment, yeah, or there's like a letting go like um, like a vulnerability that maybe comes up with like letting go, I'm just being who I am, I'm not even in my best self, and that there's some energy to that that's both vulnerable and kind of a turn on um and and that's what you want to retain while retaining like

your health and fitness, you know what I mean. I mean maybe overall like go back to the gym and feel good or get healthy or something, but retaining like that vulnerability and that letting go because I have a feeling like that's what opened the door for them, is that they're sort of like together or like not our best selves are kind of being vulnerable, we're kind of letting go. We're kind of being like a little naughty by not taking care of ourselves. But you can retain

that energy and potentially and still be fit. Maybe maybe that's more hot and heavy because they're almost borderline recognized unrecognizable, and so it's like they're having an affair. It's like role play. Oh, speaking of role play, someone did ask elliot, what about um sex toys and a role play for a dean? How do you feel about that? I'm I'm a hard pass all that stuff because you don't want to talk about it or hard past. I'll talk. I mean, I'll talk about me not doing it because I just

I'm I'm a prude. You are not a prude. You You're not a rude, elaborate I'm not a prude. You dated two women at once. That doesn't make me not adroom and I wasn't. I wasn't sleeping with both of them at the same time. Excuse me, Oh, I didn't know that. Okay, I'm glad we clarify that. But that just what everyone expects is that I was sleeping up both of them the whole time. Now, I guess that's what I don't know. There's that, and there's a mix of like emotionally, you know, I don't know. Okay, I

forget about that. Back to role play. You're you've never role played before, not that I know of. Should we we can? We can tackle Listen a second before we get into our next segment. We do want to talk about something that means a lot to this podcast. You guys have heard us talk about it before, and that is twenty three and me, Vanessadine, have even one of you guys done twenty three? Mate, Jerry, of course, So what was your biggest revel? I'm a hundred percent European.

I'm the most boring man in the world, Vanessa. Okay, so I spoke about how I thought I mailed my my my box in. It's still on my counter, and all I have to say is it's really easy to use. So all you have to do you have to I want to ask you guys this, did you guys go up into the line with the bubbles of your spit or did you go pass the line with the bubbles of your spits up to the line. I I listened to instructions, but with the bubbles through, the bubbles count? No,

bubbles don't count. Bubbles don't count. Okay, So I went above the line with my bubbles anyway. So it's really easy. All you gotta do is like accumulate a bunch of spit, spin on the tube, close it, and then they provide you this little package that you you um you put it in, you close the box, and you mail it back to them. So I haven't mailed it yet, so

I'm waiting. Obviously, I have to wait for my results, and I take it takes how long, I think a couple of weeks, couple of weeks, a couple of weeks and to get your back. It really is the coolest thing and it makes a great gift for everyone you

love during the holidays. There's been there's never really been a better way to give the gift to Janet Discovery to whether it be your family members, your sibling, his parents, on his grandparents, your uncle that you never talked to, if you wanted to give him a gift, give him twenty three and Me and guess what, guys now through December. You guys know December is Christmas Day. The twenty three DNA kits are on sale. They're super easy to do.

We talked about Vanessa was just talking about how you just spit into the two provided. I know sounds a little gross, but it's effective. Um you register your sample to personal to your personal twenty three and Me account and in a few weeks you receive your personalized online reports. UM. So they come with an ancestry composition report and with twenty three and me's ancestry. With that report, you can explore where your DNA is from out of a hundred

and fifty regions worldwide. I don't know if you guys have ever been falling asleep where your body just completely twitches. This it happens to me sometimes. Ashley is far more of one of your shakers. Is that what it called her legs shakes? What is that? What is that called? I've always thought it was like your muscles being like going, yeah, Well, the cool thing about twenty three and me not only does it provide gen X, but you can find out stuff like that, like why does your like twitch or

things of that nature. You can learn how your genes play a role in your well being, your lifestyle choice. You wonder what I've always wondered, is there's like like muscle builders, right, I wonder if there's a specific gene for muscle builders that they all kind of have in common. Well, you buy because you haven't been in the gym and

wine and you're like, I'm confused. I'm just curious, like if they're all soap buff I wonder if there's something specific about their genetic makeup that allows them to be that ripped. Well, the cool thing about twenty three and Me is that it will tell you that as well. And like I said earlier, now through December twenty five,

you'll get off any twenty three and Me kit. You do is order your d n A kit at twenty three and me dot com slash d. That's the number two three A and D me dot com slash D spelled d e A n ready not being together ready one two three d e A twenty three and me dot COM's asked Dean, you will get off your kit from now to December. And they have different versions of the kid too. You can do uh the Genetic kit and then you can do the Genetic in health Risks

kid as well. So off it is actually a really good deal because it's I mean, that's you know, that's going to save you like a thirty plus dollars. So check it out dot com slash Dean. We want to talk to Stephanie Pratt who was on the line. Let's talk about her new podcast, prat cast on I Heart Radio. Stephanie, are you're there, Oh my god, Stephanie, how the heck are you tell us about this new podcast? Years I'm well, it's kind of similar to yours, because I'm really glad

at dating as well. It'll cover you know, dating, shopping, how basically anything people want to talk about, you know, what you've got for Christmas? Totally like the basic any kind of costips, what's going on in the tabloids. So for the listeners out there, Stephanie and I went to a football game together last night, and I asked her on a date at least half a dozen times, rebuked every single advance that I that I had. Okay, let

me just explain how he asked me out. Okay, he was on his phone talking to people on Instagram, drest messages and he'd look up to see the score and then look at me because I was to the right of him, and he'd like, do you want to go on to date? That's not how it was at all. Oh my god, dear leader right there yet. Ye. Anyways, So Stephanie, when does your when does your podcast come out? Is it? First episode drops win on January seven, and then so The Hills will start airing in the spring.

And when that's that's going, I'll have Hills cast members on it and we'll be talking about every episode because it's a Hills reboot, right, Yeah, so tell us because you have an involvement with The Hills, you to be a cast member as well, and you're going to be part of the reboot. Yeah, so fill the listeners in a little bit about the journey with that. I've gosh, well, it's been like eight years, seven years, and we've all been together and yes, things have changed, but things haven't

changed at all. Everyone keeps asked me, is it right? Drama is the last one? Absolutely, there's way more drama because you know, people are married, they have kids, like the Sticks a lot higher. So it's going to be a freaking great series. Sounds freaking great. But here's the thing. I'm not entirely sold on the podcast. Is there like a teaser that you have out there that I could listen to? Um, you didn't already know? Do you not follow me on Instagram? Wait? Looking at your Instagram? Now?

Is it with Wells? It is my co host Wells at him he likes saved the show. Um, he's awesome. The teaser that's actually out now you can find it on my Instagram art official stuff Pratt or on I Heart Radio. Um, it's so funny because I actually meet well on the podcast, so I had no idea who you were that they can lend in the past five years, so it's it's quite joked, but he was a Hills fast they kind of knew who I was. Great Well, So it's you and Wells co hosting the Hills podcast.

It airs January seven. You said there is a teaser on the I Heart radio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I think is what you said. Yeah, yes, perfect, So for our listeners go check it out. It's called Prattcast. Episode one drops January seven. Um, and like I said, Stephanie and I are probably gonna start dating here pretty soon. Maybe fill you on that whole situation. Are you going to be on the Hills Dean? Yeah, well, I mean if I'm Stephanie's love interest, I don't think I have

a choice but to be on the Hills. Like the story. Already, steph and I are already going to Hong Kong for New Year's It's going to be a blast. Um, you did buy me you last night? Yeah, let me finish your hot dog. I gave you money. That's good. I gave you money. You didn't take it, so it wasn't really a state, you mean your first date last night. I tried to give you the cash back, but you literally left it in the car. I know. I wanted to, you know, make sure you knew it was in a date. Uh. Yeah,

well we'll work up to it before January seven. That's that's we'll figure it out. Plenty of times, plenty of time. All right, everyone, I'm going to need full access to your Instagram. I don't know, but I'm sure Dean will be all over you. Thank you so much for calling in. We're excited to listen to Pratt Cast come January seven on I Heart Radio. Um, if you want to check out the teaser B shirt to jump on the app and give it a listen well as obviously it is fantastic. Stephanie,

you're great too. Um. We look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks so much. In Hong Kong. Yeah, I'll see you there. Thank you, step Any bye bye. Did she say see you in Hong Kong. Yeah, we're going out there for New Year's with each other. As a joke. Obviously she's going there for New Years. I invited myself and Dean will definitely be in Hong Kong for New Year. Um, Vanessa, you were just telling us about how you like to use sex toys in the bathroom before we got into

those whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say sex starts to talk about. I did not. I did not say sex toys. I said, I'm very open. If I'm comfortable with someone, Uh, then yeah, I want to be open to explore, and it has to be a safe um, a safe space, and there has to be consent. And I'm very surprised that. Yeah, consent is very important. So I'm surprised Dean. You keep saying you're a prude, and the thing is with you, you like to put yourself down. Well, I don't think.

I don't think one is better than the other. I just I don't know. Um, how do I say this? I feel like you need to bring one of your ex girlfriends on the podcast so I can actually enter, I can actually call of you. Who would you be calling? I guarantee all my ex girlfriends would say that I was horrible in bad not even I think once listen, I think, once you love someone and you're really into you know, you have like really great sexual chemistry and

you love each other. No matter the size, it's going to be great sex. Yeah. The thing with guystally need to bring it toys and stuff. Well, I think there's a difference between sex and making the thing with sex with guys more or less is going to be the same from person to person these two about that question, I'm just saying the variant, the variants in sex from from girl to girl for a guy is different than guys a guy for a girl. Why is that? I think in my obviously have you had sex with both

a man and a female. No, but I would imagine a the composition of a penis is much different from guy to guy than the composition of a vagina from girl to girl. I think men just sometimes need to get off. So let me have a look right now, I'm confused. You're saying that an orgasm, you're talking about orgasm. Well, know what I'm saying is no, he's talking about the actual physical act of sex, right. Well, I mean it's kind of all encompassing. Yeah, yes, but not just the

orgasm part. I mean, do you think that women have different, like far different experiences with different men. Saying nine percent of the time a guy is going to have an orgasm in sex and what sixty percent of the time a girl is going to have an orgasm in sex. You're talking about orgasms, Well, I'm talking about everything. I'm talking about the actual physical structure of a penis versus vagina.

I think it's also the mental like very confused, Hillary, Hillary, You've got a lot of the three children just playing around and saying whatever comes to our heads. Um. I think the way that men and women typically conceptualize sexual experiences is different, like even your paradigm, I'm of like the difference between penises and vaginas. Probably women are not

going to think of it that way. They're going to think of like the holistic experience, you know, like what the mental connection is, what the fore play was like, what the touching and gazing um was like, and what the parts felt like, and what the orgasm felt like. But that they're going to look at all of it as opposed to just, um, the feel of the parts. And I think that men may be more likely to sort of have that more less more detached, more like

a quantitative analysis. Well that's kind of always been my my not m O. But I've always been more of a numbers guy than a more logic as an emotional guy, you know what I mean? Men might be that women are less likely to sort of be like, oh, well, this boyfriend had a bigger part, and so I prefer to that sex versus like their approach to sex was more essential and sexy, and our kinds of connection was amazing.

And so it's the whole that resonates, like as you look at your historical ask versus like the those specific data You're welcome, You're welcome. I'm processing a lot right now, so I don't think we should probably end here and go our separate ways and try to process what we all just learned. Here's our homework work. Our homeworkis. We're all going to go home and I have as much sex as possible, come back next year and discuss our findings. Yeah, this is our last podcast of the year. Yeah I will.

I'll be sure to let every all, let the world know how it's working out for me. The thing with that it was, I almost didn't want to make one because why why. It's not like it's gonna sound kind of vain. But it's not like I necessarily need help meeting people. I don't necessarily think that I'm ready to be in a relationship, and so I'm kind of almost just leading people on by even being on the app in the first place. I feel like people I don't know,

I never say ryah, I think you're fine. Yeah, yeah, I mean you're good and as long as you're honest with everybody you meet, saying hey, you know, I kind of went on the app, and I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I just wanted to meet some people. I guess I don't want to use it as a hook up accelerator, Like that's not really what I'm interested in. Um, so I don't know, what are you interested in. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not ready for a relationship.

And you know, you don't want to hook up, you want to find friends. I don't know. That's what it's like. Someone said it's a great networking tool, so I was like, yeah, but there is a social aspect. There's like a social and then I don't know what the titles are. There's like two profiles that you can create the social Yeah, when I'll have a great song play, yes, Um, okay, well let's jump into Well Hillary wanted to I think, uh, I don't know what the hell are you doing thinking up?

All right? So let's read Yeah, so just um, anyways, that'll do it for what do I want it? Just Hillary? Let's just do wrap up? Hillary? Anyways, Hillary, thank you so much for joining us in studio today. It's always great to have an expert's opinion, especially on a lot of the things that we don't know what we're talking about, which was my plug pretty much everything. Um. We would love to have you back at a later date, and

obviously we can kind of discuss. I love having people back, especially professionals like you, because, uh, you can critique us now versus then you know what I mean, and so it'll be interesting to kind of hear how our perspectives has changed. Gauge the growth, gauge the growth exactly. It's always very fun, Um Hillary, do you want to plug anything that you're working on? Just you can find me

um at dr Hillary gulture dot com. It's h I L l A R Y g O L D s h e R dot com to find out more about me and locate my practice perfect and that's in Beverly Hills. You said, yes, wonderful. I'm sure we'll see you on TV. I feel like I I watched your your Real about you on all the new news channels and you were fantastic. So I'm excited. Thank you. So we'll keep an eye out for you. Hill. Thank you so much for coming

in again. I don't know why it's called Dr Hill ladies, and okay, I layed myself to one per episode and step Alred took the cake from that. So um, thank you again so much for coming in. We really appreciate it and we look forward to hearing from you again soon. All right, well that'll do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating. Thank you so much for making my return so special. Jan anytime you come back into the studio, it's a special day. We missed you,

missed you. I missed you. Mark couldn't give let's of a crap about you. But that's Mark's problem. Don't worry about him. Good time, good to be back, good times. But big thank you too, obviously. Hillary Goscher, yep, Goulcher, Goulcher, gol Scher like kosher, but Culcher kosher, but Golscher, Hillary Goscher. She was incredible. We definitely want her back on the podcast. A big thank you to Amazon fire TV once again.

You can head to www dot Amazon dot um slash I Suck podcast to order a fire TV of your very own. Um. Be sure to check out stamps dot com and use codein for a special four week trial to get those stamps printed and get your holiday gifts sent out. Big thank you to Thrive Market. You can take an extra off your first order and a free

thirty day trial. All you have to do is go to thrive market dot com slash Dan d e An in case you haven't learned how to spell it by now, Van that's I'll jump in for on this one for you. Be sure to check out third Love and get your cup size and a half figured out third Love dot com slash Vanessa. And a big thank you to twenty three and Me. You can get off any twenty three

Mean kit. All you do is order your d n A kit at three and me dot com Slashdan And one more big thank you you guys saw that we were at jingle Ball in l A a couple of weeks ago. They gave us some really cool gifts that Dean has a bag in front of them, so I'm sadly it was not a jingle ball. But I do have a bag full of a bunch of good you're watching a ball. I was not. Was my heart radio? That's what I'm thinking of. It's right. I got some nice warm socks. I got some shampoo and conditioner heat

holders socks I've ever felt in my life. What else do we go? They look pretty comfortable. We have a shampoo and conditioner Eastern. You say that you use those every day. Well, this is Kristen s She has this new line at Target and um I have been using these for months and my hair, I'm told, smells really nice. It's very soft and voluminous. It looks word of the day. My curls are like twisted ebony. Thanks to you, to Kristen. Twisted.

Easton's not even reading this off of a sheet. He literally is thinking of these adjectives off the top of his head. That's fantastic, Eastan. That brings me another question. Do you wash your hair every day? Every day? Every day? Every day? It's horrible for you, but keep doing that, man, keep killing your hair day in the day out. We got this pretty cool phone case for an excess and an X. It's spigin sp Spigan. I like it. It's pretty sturdy. I'm holding my hands right now, I'm gonna

start using. I'm currently holding some extreme lash mascara hourglass. Seems pretty nice. Really a lot of great makeup and and hell, you know, skincare accessories. Anyways, big thank you to all of these great products for being there for jingle Ball. I'm bummed I missed it. Were you were there? Right? I was there? You were traveling, weren't you? I was traveling? Yeah, that's why did we ever talk about your Yeah? I talked a little bit about it. You missed it? But

post or pre like, did you post? I talked a little bit about it last week. Unfortunately missed out on that one. I mean it was cool quick synopsis. It was just I I was on stage with my shirt

off for like three minutes if that. Um, So it was very quick, painless, easy, and the show itself was actually awesome because we were so Tanner and Jade came with us, Nick was with us, and it was just it was so over the top and ridiculous that the and and the cool thing was the Chippendale dancers themselves had so much fun with it that it was just fun, you know, like you could go as a man who's attracted to the opposite sex and still have a great

time because everybody's just laughing and making fun of themselves and the women are going crazy. It was cool, and so I was nervous for like two weeks before then I didn't really eat. I I ate, but I tried to eat as healthy as possible. And then for two days before I like, faster, I've got my first spray tan. And then it was cool, good, thanks buddy. People were giving about my my hair chest which is my chest hair?

Come on now, I mean, I'm not gonna shave it for one show in shipp of Dales, and I am very proud to be a hairy man. But it was funny in the green room when I was waiting because I went on stage early to do this game, and then they put me back in the green room before I did the big finale with my shirt off, and they had weights in there, so like for twenty minutes in the green room where I haven't eaten in like

sixteen hours, I'm pumping weights. I I felt like I almost passed out, but I was like, okay, just look as good as you possibly can get on stage. To do it, get off straight to shake chift. It was fun, it was great, it was totally and now I can. I can on my deathbed. You know, I think of all the cool thing as I've done, and one of those things will now be Hey, you were in as a great grandfather. You can tell your kids about one time you danced the shirtless on stage. I know I

could be like, hey, guys, I was cool. I'm a cool grandpa. I was in tip of Dale's. Anyways, thank you so much again for listening to this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating? Big, big thank you to our sponsors. Big thank you as always to Jared Easton, Vanessa and Hillary. I love all of you. Um. This is the last one of the years. This is the last episode Who does an eighteen. We actually made it through our first full calendar year. Wow. After this episode,

I wasn't able to do it alone. Big thank you to Jared and Vanessa once more, UM, and we'll see you next ye two thousand nineteen coming in hot. What are you doing for New Years? I'm not sure yet either are going to be in Rhode Island or New York staying in East Pardian big time we might go to the ball Drop. Who's your nearest is going to be? What do you do you mind? Actually a funny story. This will be Ashley's first kiss on New Year's Eve

ever ever. So I'm a very lucky man because I'm I'm it's pretty cool that I get to give her that nice That'll be awesome. Yeah, it'll be fun. And we're debating going to New York to maybe go see the ball Drop. I've never been. It's they're like over a million people. That's so I'm a little nervous about that. But hopefully we can maybe wheel and deal some things.

So yeah, because the celebrities, of course, you should be able to celebrities a New Year's if nobody gets a rats asked about us, I'm going to be in Australia, not at the ball Drop. But so you're not going to be in Hong Kong. Oh, that was kind of just a joke. I was hoping there was. It was a joke with a sliver. It's definitely hit me up. I was like, hey, Dan, I got you a ticket to Hong Kong. I would go, but I just you know, but you already have a trick in to Australia. I'm

working on getting a ticket to Australia. Why would you go to Australia. I have some friends out there, I've always wanted to go, and it seems like a good time. I'm getting my Scooba certification this weekend to start, I'm going to Scoopa a great barrier reef right, self containing breathing AD. That's that the acronym stands for. But yeah, maybe you know, if Deephanitely I met, like maybe a couple of days before, like sooner than maybe I'll be going to Hong Kong. But I've only known her for

twenty four hour or so. It's still totally worth it. Are you going to sit? Yeah, That's where I'm gonna be most of the time, and I'm gonna like camp on the beach and stuff like that. Don't they have like a pretty extravagant New Year's Eve? Yeah, I've heard there's the Opera House that has like a pretty great yeah firework show. I feel like anytime I'm watching rock and Eves, which I do, I I love it. I'm one of the few that I love New Year's Eve. I love staying in I love ordering Chinese food, I

love I'm my friends over um. And then we watched the New Year's Rock and Eve with Seacrest, which is quite funny because obviously he works here. Yeah, and so and Jen McCarthy. I love it so but every time anyway, long story short, I see Sydney, Australia, I see New York, and then I think those I see Tokyo, Vegas, Vegas, l DOESLA have a pig show? There? There's a West Coast show. Actually might be Vegas. Have to double check, but I think it's essentially action on ABC at eight

seven Central. Yes, of course you can all right, well that I'll do it again like this is the longest sign off in Uh, this was great this. I love this part too. UM. Thank you once again for making this podcast a thing in two eighteen. Were excited to

bring us some more fun content in two nineteen. Uh yeah, The biggest thank you of all goes to you guys, because if you guys weren't listening to this podcast right now, Dean and I would be on the street, living on the street against our will, because I think, you know, maybe at one point in my life I will live on the street willfully. Yes, I've talked about this in the past. I want to move into a van and live in a van for maybe like a year, to be homeless and just travel around. So we'll see how

that goes. But we'll see how it goes. And thank you so much again for listening help I Suck at Dating. I'm Dean. That's Jared Easton and Vanessa. We will see you come January seven for for our first episode nine team see you guys were hopefully we suck a little less, a lot less, a lot less a new year. Follow help by Suck at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast. That was like