Bi-Coastal Dating with Tammy Kay Ly

the first time we've met. Uh. It's it's always interesting, like meeting new Bachelor people because it's it's like I know you, but I don't know you. So even when you popped on, I was like, have we met? I don't think we have, but I feel like I know you. Yeah. It's like a little luck club. I don't know how to explain it, but um, but Dean is not here, like we said, and Tammy and I were talking before we started recording, and so let me read. I'm going to read the text message that I got from Dean.

This was yesterday. Uh so, Tammy, little bit of background. Dean. Uh, sometimes is unable to make these podcasts because I don't know what the hell he's doing. He's always doing something. He's like in Mexico for a bachelor party, or he's like in a car with no WiFi, or he's scaling the side of a mountain. Like this man just does not stop. So the point is really the point is I think we're gonna have to switch to day we

record this podcast. But more importantly, yesterday we get a text Mtein and it says, hey, guys, I hate to say this, but I'm floating the Colorado River right now and I have no service at my campsite. I'll be back in service in the early afternoon. Anyway, we could delay the podcast. We couldn't delay the podcast. But now we were talking, I was like, oh, Dean can't make it. He's like on the Colorado River with no WiFi. And

then Tammy goes, wait, is he he in stagecoach? So now it's a shame because one of our producers mark Eastern, do you still trackting? I don't know if you do or not? Oh boy do I Okay, let's figure this out. Dean says, no location found currently, So either he turned me off because if he was, he knew this exact thing was going to happen or he is in fact floating down the Colorado River. Um, hopefully alive. But that's what Yes, let's hope he's alive. First and foremost, both

things are very doable for him to do. Yeah, he's done this before. He's like hidden his location for me because he knew. I was like, you have a podcast to do, you know, like, yeah, tell me One time he was saying, uh, he said he had something like he was in no service or like he couldn't figure something out, and he was trying to lay the podcast. And then on on the air, we were like, wait a minute, Mark, who was another producer on this podcast,

don't you track Dean? He tracked him. He was on like the eighth hole of a golf course and so there in California. Now there's Mark there. He is right there. Uh. And it was it was so good. So I was really hoping that we would like catch him in the act of like you know, teeing off on some golfings of the CALLI but I can confirm no location, pund so he is hiding somewhere. He's finally caught onto our tricks. Anyway, enough about Dean Tammy. This is about you. Thanks so

much for coming onto the podcast. Uh so you are obviously. I think the last time we saw you was Bachelor in Paradise this past summer. H So, how was your overall experience on the Bachelor franchise? Um? Overall, it's been good up until the very end, um, you know, and now that I'm like talking to other people and like trying to pinpoint all the stories that I was really blind to, and I'm like, did I really have a

good time throughout this process? I mean, I'm super thankful for and of course I had a blast on Paradise, but like, I don't think they're giving credit where credit is. You're like, uh us as the cast also as a huge factor of like where our outcome is, you know. Um, So yeah, I mean I loved Paradise. I thought it

was so much fun. I hate the way and laughed of course, but yeah, I mean right now, I think I'm just getting to take a little hiatus from the franchise, just like a mental break, because it was a lot for me, and then who knows if I'll be back. Um, you know, it was like family to me, so I would hate to just cut it off like that, But who knows. Yeah, it does become family too. It's it's a love hate relationship because there have been times Obviously

I'm a big supporter of the franchise. I met my wife through in an unconventional way, but now we have a son from it. But you know, that's also there were times actually, and I are very transparent about the idea that like, we love the people that work on the show, but there'd be times where we knew that they didn't have our best interests at hand, not to any fault of their own, like they're making a TV show. Huh yeah, mostly our engagement. But um, it's still like, yeah,

we still invite these people to our wedding. We love them so much. So there is this I totally Understan where you're coming from, this economy of like this love hate relationship where you're like, man, it's family and I love it. But there's like, obviously there's also that aspect of it is a TV show and they have a job to do. Um. So it's it's a hard balance, uh.

And it's really weird. Um. But and and like you said, it's this weird mental state that you have when you go on the show because like you're just thrown into this mind f because then you have like I remember the first time people started talking about me, and it's like, I'll never forget it was Facebook. This is how old

I am. Uh Facebook was prominent. I didn't have an Instagram before one on the show, but I remember on Facebook with my name first got released for the show, all like people that knew me from high school that I haven't talked to in years. All of a sudden there was this huge thread about me being like did you hear Jared's on the Bachelor? Da da da da? And it was just the craziest thing because that's ever happened.

That doesn't happen every day where it's just like, you know, thirty forty people are just like commenting back and forth about you and like how they knew you, or like when the last time they saw you, or like how crazy it is and it's just who it was jarring to say at least, um, I mean, you get accustomed to it, but yeah, it's crazy. I think a mental

break is a very good thing to have. I just think that the franchise fans are very toxic, and like I wish they weren't, you know, but like I've never I mean, there's a handful of them that are so loyal and so sweet to me, but like a majority of them that I read, they're so mean, so judgmental, they are unforgiving, and it's just like I feel like it's impossible to try to please them, you know. So like I was trying to get an acceptance from a crowd that was never going to accept me in the

first place. It's tough, You're right. I mean, there's a lot of wonderful people who followed the show that reach out and comment and say nothing but incredible things. But yeah, there's a very loud minority that, I mean just scoll you and they say things like I've I've told this story a million times of the podcast, So I apologize

for repeating myself. But there was a girl that I went on a date with that I knew personally, and we went on a couple of dates, and she's very nice and sweet and down to earth, and you know, she was a little bit you know, she was like twenty I think we went on a date like when she was like twenty two, and so she was, you know, I was twenty seven at the time. I think but um, you know, she was a Bachelor fan, she knew the show,

and anyway, like it didn't go anywhere. We still remained friendly, like followed each other on social media, and then I remember a Bachelorette season ended and she obviously did not like the person that the bachelorette picked, and she commented underneath the picture and I saw it because I follow her and comments that you know, from people that you follow, go up to the top. And she said, uh, you know, good luck in life with your shitty husband. And I

was like, I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. So I messaged her, I said, why do you say that? And I hadn't spoken to her, you know, like a few months or a year at this point, and then she was like, oh my god, I already deleted it. I feel so terrible. I just was so mad that she picked this guy, and I just wanted to say something. And it made me realize that people just don't think we're ever going to see their comments. People don't think

before they say things. Not to make this right, it's not justified, but it's just it's crazy how like people just need to say like like mean things, and we do it like we all do in our lives. Right, we watch reality TV and we're like, oh that what the what the hell was that? Pert, That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. But like to say it towards someone on social media, I think they nobody just thinks

about their actions and it's not right. Um, but I think and then of course there's just bad people out there, right, I mean it's just brutal, you know. So like I I don't know if like every franchise has a fan base like this, but I don't know. I just feel like judge on everything that I do. So I'm like, I'm just going to take a break from them. Yeah,

well you do whatever is best for you. But Tammy, you're you're on the Bachelor, You're beautiful, you're young, you have a lot of great things going for you, seem very smart, nice, Like, don't listen to people that truly you because most of the people that do just hate their own lives. And uh, it's a good point. Yeah, the best revenge is living well and ignoring them because they all they want is intention But anyway, on on two better things. So what are you up to now?

So how's life where do you live? By the way, I don't even know. I live in New York. I also live in l A. And I also live in Tampa right now, I just flew back in last night. I'm in New York for probably a couple of weeks, and then I head back to Tampa for a bit, and then I'm going to head back to l A. So what makes you bounce back and forth between those three places. Oh, you're in real estate. So the markets like the craziest time ever right now. Yeah, market is

really good. So yeah, I'm just balancing on that. I just got my California license, so I've been out there doing a bunch of projects around that. But I also have a project in Tamba, excuse me, that I've been working on, so I'm just going to check on it. But yeah, I mean I still have six jobs, so I just kind of bounced around and do six jobs. Yeah, my god, what are your six jobs? So? I do real estate, a real state agent. I'm also an investor, so I invest in properties. I also flip properties, um

so like construction. I own insurance brokerage and a bartend. I still do some commercial modeling and acting, and I have my own marketing company. Damn, what's the name of the marketing company. It's just called Tammy Kay Inc. That's awesome. Oh my god. So you just pretty much don't stop to you. No, I don't stop. So do you have any time for dating now? Okay? So I just recently went back into the dating pool. No, it's bad because when I date, I will date really crazy and then

I won't talk to me again for like three years. Wow. All right, so very very healthy. So when you say you go crazy, do you go on like a date like five times a week? Okay, that's a bit much. Maybe a couple times a week. Maybe a couple of times a week, like I'll see like a couple of people. But um, yeah, I don't know. Dating is weird, especially after the show. Oh, I can imagine. So, I mean you're lucky, you do you just wanted to hunt? And yeah,

I mean I got lucky. I think one. Dating after the show is much different for a guy than it is a girl. Um, I would imagine, just because as a guy, when you come off the show and if you're single, I mean, the majority of the viewership is women, So I feel like there's just a different perception I don't know. I think, like I'm being honest, if I if I had to guess most of the dates that I went on after the show. You know, I was on Hinge for a while, and I was on uh,

what's the other one? Bumble, and like I feel like probably nine nine percent of the dates I went on, like the women watched the show knew exactly who I was. Do you find out a lot of guys recognize you and they're like, oh, I watched the show or is it well, we met, we were talking and then I googled you and found out that you were on the show. God, I think it's probably more of the second one. Um, I try to date people who don't really know the show.

The last two guys that I've been seeing actually did know of me before um I started seeing them, So that's a little weird. I don't know if they're like fans, but I try not to bring that into my real life. Like even the friends that I made on the show, we don't really talk about the show a lot. I just I don't know, that's like such a small part of me. So, yeah, this is one guy that I was seeing, like you barely even know me? He goes, I rewatched all of Bachelor in Paradise to get to

know you. I go, I'm done here. He said that he thought that was a good line. I'm like, yeah, and that does not represent me whatsoever. That's like literally ten percent of who I am, and it's just creepy. Could you imagine if you went on the first date and you're like, hey, I went through your entire Instagram so I could really get to know you before our first date. It'd be like, what the hell, get get out of here. That's what it's equivalent to him being like, oh, yeah,

I watched every season and I took notes. That sounds like the guy who was who the hell was it on Michelle's season who liked all the research. I have like eight pages of notes and was like, Oh, I'm ready to go. That was this guy on your date. Yeah, hopefully he doesn't listen to this podcast. Oh I'm sure he doesn't. So have you gone on dates in New York, LA and Tampa Um? Mainly in L A. M. I've been out there for the last two months, so I've

been like, that's when I just started dating again. But yeah, I don't really date in New York, I don't. I'm not in Tampa enough for me to date, got it? And then in New York, I'm just always working, so I don't have time. I was curious if you notice if there was like a difference between um, like the dating pool between cities. I would say so just because like I live in a small town in New York and everyone knows who I am. So it's a very a little uncomfortable, um, But with l A, it's so big.

It's like they there's a fifty fifty chance they don't know who you are, which is preferred. Because so I lived in l A for three and a half years, most of them I was dating. Actually, I probably lived in l A for like three months before actually and I started dating. But so I went on a few dates in l A. And it's definitely much different than dating in Rhode Island. But that's, you know, a pretty drastic change dating in Rhode Island compared to Los Angeles.

I noticed in l A. It's it's very much um. And I guess it's my own doing, because when I moved to l A, went on riya but a lot of it was like, um, it wasn't as personal I noticed the dates a lot of it. By the way I always um kind of made the analogy was like sure, you'd be talking to someone, but that person would always be kind of like looking over your shoulder a little bit to see if there was like something better on

the horizon. Yeah. I do feel that as well. There's always like something going on or like you know, status and everything that everyone focuses on in l A. Um, I don't know, who knows. Maybe I'll go back on my no talking to men for three years. Yeah, I know, so three years. Like so before you went on the show, were you on that hiatus? Uh? No, she was, Yeah,

I was seeing a couple of people. No, I mean I took a break for like a year, um, before I even heard about me possibly being cast for the show. But yeah, it was like a little I would say, quote unquote boy crazy for like a year and a half and I took a year off and then I went back on The Bachelor, which honestly I didn't date after that really. So I'll have like my pops of

like I really want to see Peo bowl. So I like book, Like I say book like it's an appointment, but like see you guys like a month and then drop off again. I don't know. I don't know what I want, Jared. I just like I think about a relationship, but then I'm like, I love being in this independent person that gets to do whatever she wants, and I'm waiting for someone to change my mind. I guess it's tough. I think it's one like, yeah, someone probably will change

your mind. But it's also there is this um stigma in society that it's like, you have to get married, you have to have kids, and that's just not for everybody. Like I wanted to get married at one point in my life. I wanted to have kids at one point in my life. So those were just like individual goals of mine. But you know, growing up, I definitely went back and forth. And I can totally understand why people

just wouldn't want to be in a relationship. There's a lot of compromise that needs to be had in relationship, and then having kids, there's a lot of sacrifices that you need to make in order to have kids. It's not like all wonderfulness and and and and rose colored glasses, um and I feel like people are afraid to talk about that. A lot of you know, uh, mommy bloggers or parents, Um, you know, a lot of the majority

of them. There are some outliers, but a majority of them feel like they have to say like only great things, like the best thing in their life is their kids, and and everything is perfect and wonderful and and um, it's just not like that and that I feel like that's okay to say you're you're human being. You know, some people it's like, yes, sometimes marriage is really tough. Sometimes being a parent is really difficult only three months in, but like you lose a lot of sleep, you lose

a lot of your your individuality. Um, and like for me, that's worth it because especially like now he's starting to smile, he's starting to look at me. You know, that'shi, it's the coolest I'm not gonna lie, like that is the coolest thing ever. Because when he was first born, it was crazy. It's just like your this kid is thrown into your life and and he's yours and he's your blood and you're like, okay, like I have to take

care of you for the rest of my life. And it was terrifying the first day because it's like, you know, I mean obviously I loved him, but it's the first day I met him. But now it's you know, now it's easy. It's just instinctual, like because it's just like I would do anything for that kid now. Um but anyho. My point being on this rant is that, dammy, it's okay to not know what you want. Nobody knows what they want. The people that tell you they know exactly

what they want are crazy. Okay. That makes me feel better because like, I know, one day I want to have kids, and one day I do want to get married. But it's like when I have no idea and like I'm in this battle, like I'm still young, but then I'm like, am I running out of time? No, you're not running. I'm in my late twenties, You're fine. I'm in my I'm in my mid thirties, You're fine. Late twenties. I like what, No, I'm twenty six. Oh my god,

late twenties, my ass. You're in your mid twenties. Twenty six. I turned twenty seven in June, so oh please, you're you're in the prime year life right now, the late mid to late saying I shouldn't settle down yet. No, I mean unless you find like the person You're like, Okay, I love being with this person. It all just comes down to, like would I you know, what would my life be without this person? Is my life better or worse without this person? If it's worse, than you should

be with him. And if it's not, then you should to be with them. How do you know? How do you get there? Man? I really suck at you. Oh well, there we go. You're on the right podcast. I mean I think that I think I think that the truth is is you're never a hundred percent sure. I think that's what I believe because I'm the idea that you should never have a doubt in your mind about anything in life. I think is crazy. Um, Because of course, when Ashley and I first got together, I wanted to

be with her. I love Ashley, I still love Ashley. I'm in love with Ashley. I was in love with Ashley and and that's why I wanted to be with her. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a voice in my head saying like is this a mistake? Like now this is it? Like we're going to be together for the rest of our lives and it's not a mistake. Because I'm much rather I want to be

with her. My life is worse without Ashley, you know. Um, but I think, like I guess I'm maybe in the mind or maybe I'm a pescimst, but I just I don't believe in like, oh you're you know, it's just a sure and you're never going to have a doubt in your mind. I think those people are lying, That's what I think. I don't I agree, because that's that's a human instinct to always weigh your options, you know, and there's always gonna be a prone conto everything, even

if it's a completely positive situation. Of course, and with you too, it's tough because Tammy, you just obviously came off the Bachelor, so literally everybody is going to be expecting you to settle down. You know. It's just like

that's what people ask Bachelor contestants. You know. It was the same thing like before Ashley and I were together, it's like you're always like asking when you're gonna find the one because you went on TV show to day, and then once we got married, it's always like the

next step. Like we literally were together for a day and they're like, when you're gonna get married, and then you get married and they're like, when you're gonna have kids, and then you have a kid, and they're like when you can have another kid, and it's like, can we just all settle down for a second. We just breathe, role ax and take one step at a time. Wh le molin. But anyway, that's what we kind of signed up for. So don't stress. Just have fun. You're living

in three different cities right now. You're in New York, l A and Tampa. By the way, go Bucks because I love Tom Brady. Uh, and just enjoy yourself. Do you get I was going to ask you, do you get hit on a lot when you bartend? I can't. I I would imagine all right, over or under you get at least two numbers a night, two phone numbers a night. Give it to you. Oh yeah, I obviously that's probably pretty average. Okay, I was gonna go I

was gonna go with you over on that one. No, it's about too I think more intimidating now that I'm on I've been on the show before. It was like it was probably over um Our Bar is like one of the nicest bars in town, and like we there's a stigment that we only hire very beautiful people, which I agree, I think we're all beautiful. Well, I was about to say, like the only person I know that works there is you, and so yes, they live up to that stigma right now, thank you, thank you? Um well,

funny enough. I actually I'm such a I date like a dude. I almost want to feel like I want to say, and people are gonna give for being like a pick me girl. But it's like I like to hit on guys like I don't like the guys hit on me. Okay, Yeah, The amount of times that I've hit on guys from me being behind the bar is a lot. Okay interesting. So usually as uh, you know, I feel like a lot of people their goal is to like try to take the bartender home or like

get a date with the bartender. It's very rare. I feel like that the bartender is the one, you know, making the moves, but you're the one, you know, making drinks and trying to pick people up. Damn. I'm a natural warn multitesk apparently good for you. So you would rather approach your guy than have a guy approach you. Um, So I've been talking without my girlfriends and they're like,

you need to feed into your femininity any more. So I'm like, okay, So, like let a guy like court you, and I'm like, oh, i'd rather, like, you know, hit on a guy. If I see something that I like, I'll just go and talk to them. But like I've been trying to let guys like reach out to me more first, and honestly, it's really more. It's more stressful. I hate this. Yeah, it's like a game. It's very stupid.

It's it's such a stupid game. It is because like now I feel like I'm chasing him, and if funny enough, you would think would be the only way around if I was hitting on someone, i'd be chasing them. But it's like no, it's like I'm giving you what I want. Here's what I want, and you rather take it or leave it. And then that's that with like the femininity game, it's like, oh, does he like me? I think he's like doing the bare minimals. I think he likes me.

I'd rather just know. Yeah. So I can't imagine though, if you went up to a guy and hit on the guy, that the guy would not be interested. So my question to you and I feel like I feel of like Ashley was kind of in this um category a little bit is that I feel like Ashley liked the chase where it was like, yeah, so you would

you would go? So do you find yourself that sometimes you go after a guy and then you know that you can get him, and then all of a sudden you're like, yeah, like a h this is literally is that immature? Not at all. I think people who do that as like listen every first and foremost, like everybody loves it, you know what I mean. It's just it's

not immature of you continue. Sorry. So the past guys that I've been seeing this past month, like the ones that literally I'm showing no interest in they I'm kidding you. They're talking about marriage and I'm like, I am just starting to see, like I don't I don't know what I want right now. And this one guy, this one guy that won't give me any attention, I am chasing the hardest it. I don't even like him. Yeah, I

don't know. It's uh. You know what's funny is that you're probably gonna get the guy and then be like never mind, now now I got him. If he if you like, finally let me have him? Whatever, Yeah, I got him. It's just pray, you know what I mean, It's human instinct. We just want to get what we can't have to feel terrible. Don't feel terrible. Everybody feels that way. Whatever. Who cares like he's fine? Because how am I supposed to be a wife? If I keep

pulling up these games? You know? Well, because at some point you'll find someone that you don't play these games with and that you guys mentioned and that you actually both really like each other, and then you'll just end up in a relationship and be happy. Like that's just the way it kind of goes. And then if it trusts me one, you're going to find someone that you want to be with long term. Like that I have no doubt about. But secondly, you shouldn't rush that. You've

got plenty of time. People are getting married later in life. Uh you know, I was thirty How old was I? Jesus? How old am I? Now? I was thirty one when I got married. Ashley was thirty one. We were thirty or thirty one, So like plenty of time plus like I'm running out of time and it's like five years, five years you know how long. Think about where you were five years ago, so you were twenty two, Oh my god, you're right, Like I know, it's like, oh my god, five years aways. It's so it's coming at

so fast. But then you think about everything that's happened within those five years and you're like, okay, never mind, maybe there's like a lot of that still is about to happen. So like, yes, five years is a long time, but like I feel like I want to be with someone for at least two years before I get engage with them, and like I'm I don't know, yeah, I mean, and then technically only three years to date. Ah yeah, well no, well yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. But

then also, like what's your rush? What? So if you get married at thirty three, I mean, like I mean, if we're talking about even if you give birth at thirty three, thirty four, like you're still a young mom. Ashley just turned thirty four while we're old and she just gave birth, so I would like to think will be a young mom. Plus like thirties the new twenty five.

Let's be honest, come on, now, it's a new third Like you know, I know, well, we're all like knock on wood, will all live a little bit longer than our ancestors have, and like we're getting married later in life. And just my biggest pet, peeve is not my biggest pet peeve. My biggest piece of advice to timmy, don't worry about it. Don't listen to these crazy people on the internet who are mean to you. There's a lot. I bet there's way more people who are nice to

you than mean to you. So just let those comments

fall off your shoulder. Because one I always say, like the way I live my life and I listen, I need to practice when I preached, but like one day I'm gonna die and on my deathbed, uh, you know, I think one of the things I look back on and be like, why the hell did I stress about all these stupid that I should not have worried about, because now my time is up, Like my time is up now, and I should have spent it more focusing on the things I wanted to do and I loved

and living in the moment, rather than focusing on like someone who who called the pizza face, which has happened because I had I had a little bit of acne on the show, they called me pizza face. What a dickhead? Right, it's whatever, it did, probably that much. But anyhoo, I forget where I was going with this rant. I don't know. We all suck a day. You're right, we all suck

a dating. Don't listen to the trolls live in the moment. Uh. So, we do have some emails that we want to get to, so we do this segment every week where we have a couple of emailers our listeners emails, questions or comments, and then we answer them live on the air. But before we do that, I did want to say a huge, huge congratulations to our former co host of Vanessa Grimaldi, who is pregnant and she just announced that she is expecting her first baby with uh Joshua, her husband. Uh,

it's it's it's pretty awesome. So Vanessa, do you know? So? Uh? Do you know who Vanessa is? She was she was on Nick Bile all season. Yes, yes, and she's gonna be an incredible mom. She was a co host in this podcast for a while, but she lives up in Canada, so it was remote and it kind of wasn't working out. Not because she wasn't great. She was a wonderful co host, but just the timing of everything, it was tough over zoom and and so um she ended up moving on,

but we love her dearly. She's an incredible person. She's like when I was sitting next to Ashley, we've heard Vanessa was announcer pregnancy, and the first thing is both Ashley and I looked at each other and it was like, she's going to be an incredible mother. Um, she's great with kids, she's a great person, and uh, I'm very excited for her. So congratulations Vanessa. Congratulations Joshua. I know if Dean was here, he would say the exact same thing.

We love you, and uh, we wish nothing but love for you and your family. So I just wanted to say that. But let's take a quick break and then we'll get back with emails. All right, we are back, and we have emails. Easton or Mark, if you're out there in the university, would like to read these emails Himmy and I. That would be fantastic. Well, I'd love to if you don't mind, Oh, Mark, I live for it. Here we go. This is from anonymous and it's a real shame Dean's not here. For this one because he's

the one to weigh in on this. But here we go. I've lived with my boyfriend for a year and now we have a great relationship. However, he has started to let himself go, not working out, not brushing his teeth since he worked from home all day, not flushing the toilet, etcetera. I don't have a brother, so I don't know if this is normal for guys, but I just wish he would put more effort into his hygiene. How can I

bring this up to him without hurting his feelings? I mean, there's a difference between letting yourself go a little bit and not brushing your teeth and flushing the toilet actually went away in this with those compared. Come here for a second, Tammy, what are your thoughts about this? First of all, Mark, you have a great news anchor voice. Thank you very much, Tammy. That's I mean, he's got the face for TV and the voice for radio or

vice versa. What's the question? So pretty much this anonymous emailed in and said they have a great relationship, but her boyfriend started to let himself go to the point where I initially I was like, oh, he's not going to the gym, or he's you know, kind of putting a little weight on. She said, he's not brushing his teeth because he works home one day and he's not flushing the toilet. Well, is he not flushing p or is it neither? Is it's more of the point of

not flushing. Yeah, I know that's gross, and you know so many people do that. I'm glad that you're not one of those people that forget to flush. Oh my gosh. Well, I just feel like in my oh my god, like college dorms. Think about your college dorm. Every nobody flushed and it was so gross a college dorm were you in? What college should you go to? I want to sercy your grad school, so I didn't have to do that situation there. Um okay, wait, so Tammy, have you ever

been in a situation like this? Never? Okay, okay, my bad, Okay. I guess I lived with people who didn't flush a lot. But I think of the cheap brushing thing. Are you judging me that? Like I often go, you know, if I'm home alone, sometimes you brush your teeth. He's just not gonna do it. I just do it too late in the afternoon. Sometimes and I'm judging myself. But I'm going to go do that right now, so like you know,

I will go to twelve. Yeah, that's my point is that sometimes like I'll get up in the morning, I'll take care of Dawson. She sleeps in. So it makes sense she wants to have her coffee and then brush your teeth. Exactly, are you a coffee then brush your teeth or brush your teeth and then coffee brush your teeth and coffee brush your teeth first the first thing you wake up. I mean, we don't do that, both

of us don't do that. Yeah, not good. I mean I brush my teeth before I leave the house obviously anytime, but like, yeah, I have coffee, then brush my teeth. Yeah, I gotta go by teeth back to al right. So anyway, so I don't know what Tammy, what's advice for this person. I think that a person taking care of themselves has like a lot of like how they see theirselves is

like self value. And if he's letting himself go to a point where it's like those are basic hygiene, um, then I think she needs to tell him, you know, and that's going to be a brutal conversation, even if it was the nicest way possible. Yeah, I can someone who doesn't brush their teeth or doesn't flush the toilet. Could you imagine going into the bathroom and seeing just like a giant, just giant in the toilet, and being like, I would send me I sleep in the same bed

as this human being. This this guy sounds like Amber heard just leaving turds all over the place. Uh So, Yeah, my suggestion is you definitely have to address it gently. I mean the letting yourself go. If he's like, I can relate to not going to the gym as much because ever since I've become a dad, I in the new business, I've unable to go to the gym as much as I want. So, like, I can feel that I'm just not in the best shape I've been in,

and that makes me feel very insecure and sad. But you know, I mean, I brush my teeth and flush the toilet and like do the basic necessities necessities to life. Uh So, yeah, there's gotta be some way to address this without being mean, but also letting them know that, you know, come on, we're adults here. Mark, You have any advice, Yeah, I think you come at him as in a place for concerned, because I feel like guys

aren't great with their mental health. Guys are just go, go go, and they don't think about it and they don't really worry about that stuff because it's like weak or something. I think it's a bad sign. I think he's very concerned. I think you should be concerned for him and his mental health because when you stop doing the bay sick, just the basic everyday things of life, that's when he's really kind of entering a place of

probably depression. And working from home all day I think can accelerate that path of depression because you don't see people and you kind of lose touch with reality. So I'm a little worried about him. So I think gets to talk with him about concern for his well being, and I think we need to make some efforts to get him up and out of the house as much as we possibly can and give him a reason to

kind of worry about himself totally. And that can come from that can come from a place of love too, which is a much better way to address the conversation, is, like Mark said, addressing in a way of like, hey, I'm concerned I want to make sure you're okay, because you're not. I'm grossed out by you. I'm concerned about you exactly. Good job mark. Thanks buddy number two from Anonymous.

I've been in a relationship for almost two years, and recently I think I've developed actual feelings for another person, my gym trainer. Lately, I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, and I feel guilty about it. I have dreams about this guy. I suddenly want to work out every day so I can see him. I get excited when he texts me about work out videos. He sees it tags me and stuff my stomach legit flips and I get butterflies. That's some sort of emotional cheating, right, Yeah,

it's always the gym trainer. I was just going to say that, are you into this guy or are you into the idea? Well, first of all, is it uh? I don't want to assume that, like it's a girl versus a guy, but like, are you into this person or are you do you just want to sleep with this person? Because there's definitely like like anytime you have a gym trainer, it's hot, it's sweaty, you're like bending, it's very flexible. Like there's definitely a lot of sexual

tension in that. So you know, it's it's obviously normal to be attracted to your gym trainer, but like if you're getting butterflies and excited about seeing this person to the point where like you think about them all the time, I would switch gym trainers. Yeah. It also might be a psychological thing where it's like you're associating this um the thing that you're doing to better yourself and the person that's involved with that. You know, so you're like, oh,

this is a good thing. So it's like the people around me is going to be a good thing for me. So maybe she's mixing those feelings together because I don't think maybe if he was ugly or she whoever the trainer is, would they feel the same way or would they still feel these butterflies becausey're associating the feeling of like bettering yourself with the butterfly. Yeah, that's interesting. She refers to him as this guy in him, so it's a male. But I I don't think this is that

big a deal. Honestly, she hasn't crossed any line, right, there's a line where well, that's the question. If you're tempted to, you should probably change trainers. But I do feel like little crushes happen along the way. They're normal, and you can't help it. You're not like seeking someone out certainly can help your dreams, you can't help your butterflies.

They happen. And I think this will pass as long as you or he don't take it to the next level where you're texting him something personal, you're texting the picture, something you're going out of your way to see. I'm not a different situation, but as of right now, I think you're okay. You haven't. I don't think this is emotionally cheating yet. I think it'll pass. I think it's normal. I think it's okay. I agree that little crushes happen. But the line that got me was my stomach legit flips.

It was like, all right, she seems a little a little into like too much into him. It would be one thing if you, like you said, like, hey, I'm actually attracted to my Jim Tran or like I get excited to see this person, and it's like okay, of course, like you said, like you know, there's you know, millions of millions of people in this country and all around the world, Like you're gonna find someone else attractive besides

your significant other. But if you're saying your stomach legit flips and you get giddy every time this person texts you, I don't know that's getting like it's it's it's getting that, it's it's getting too close to that line for me. Yeah, alright, fair enough. Yeah, or just break up with boyfriend and start dating the trainer. All right, I think that's gonna do it. For this week's episode of help I Suck at Dating, Tammy, thank you so much for joining us.

It was a pleasure. Thanks for having me, Oh my god. Of course, please come back anytime, uh and give us an update on either the crazy boy dating life or the hiatus you're gonna take, because I'm very interested in either you. Oh, We're gonna ask you back so we can get updates. Uh. So, once again, please keep emailing us, of course, our emails I Suck a Dating on I Heart media dot com. Uh. It's probably the only reason Dean will come back to this podcast, So please keep

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hopefully we suck a little less. Follow Help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast HM