Baby Marathon

can give you a little bit of input on that too. Um. Don, I know we kind of talked a little bit at the top of this, but Phillison on everything you've been doing, because the main reason you're here was to talk Jared through a lot of the probably the parenting crisis that he's facing right now. But Philip put through all the listeners on what you go on, what you help people with. Um. I've written in a series of books called Vision No

One Tells You. I started off writing a book. I knew that I wanted that to be the title before I knew what the book was actually going to be about. It was about a week after I had my first baby, and I was like, I know my next book is going to be all the No One Tells You About baby. So I wrote that one, and then I wrote about toddlers and baby number two and pregnancy, and so that's

kind of been my jam for a little while. So how often does it happen where you be, where you get the title before you get the meat of the book. Very rarely. That title just sort of hit me like eight five times a day, and then the first couple of weeks so and there's a often you'll come up with the title and when the publisher want to change it because it just doesn't like work for marketing or whatever.

And I was like, we're writing this into my contract that this is the title of this book, and I finish you that it will sell because every parent, like those first few weeks and months are like, oh my god, there's so much no one told me. So there's so much that no one told us. Yes, yes, I'm not sure that you can actually be I mean, people can tell you all of it. It's something about being in it that it just all becomes very really really really really quickly. So yeah, that's what I kind of wrote

at that time. Well it's funny too, because there's a very popular child's book called Everyone Poops, and then there's also now this very popular adult book called that No One Tells Us Full circle. It's it's full circle. Very number two centric baby talking books. Um okay, so so what inspires you to write this first book? Then? Uh, well, this isn't your first This isn't your first book. And no, my first book was about training for a marathon if you're a lazy person, so basically just to do like

ridiculous things and then I write books about them. So parents was far more ridiculous than a marathon. But there's a lot of similarities, I guess. I mean, having a baby isn't along a lot of ways like a marathon, I would imagine, rights, it's much longer, it's than a marathon. Yeah, eight thirty years. So yeah, the marathon went by a lot quicker than baby making thing has. So you're just like you're serial author in a lot of ways. Then yeah, yeah,

nice nice. Okay, Well, so for Jared obviously, since he's not here, which is fortunate because he's he's the other reason why we wanted to have you on as a guest in part some of your wisdom for him? What

is this that no one tells you about parenting? I mean, obviously say for you know, we want to buy your book, we want to read it like, don't spill too many details, but like I think, um, you know, I wrote my pregnancy version of the book and I included partners in it because I would get a lot of emails from dad's who read my first book, because you know, I think they were tracted to the word on the cover and they're like this sauce and my all in and

it didn't speak really to the partners as much as the moms. Is kind of like surviving. But it was really cute because a lot of guys would reach out to me and they wanted to like figure out how to do it and how to help. And so my pregnancy one that I wrote, I brought in the partners

and kind of gave advice to them. So, you know, for him, I think I wrote a list before I got on the call with you guys, and my number one rule was as a partner, never appear well rested like and then also never complain about being tired, because even if you're going to work and she's staying home or whatever, you're never as tired as she is. And for the partners, I think, you know, if the breastfeeding, it's really important to get up when that baby cries

and like just misery loves company. I had a friend that we get so mad at her husband should be breastfeeding, Like what's he supposed to do? He can't do anything, and he'd he'd fall back to sleep and she'd just be like this guy and staring at him like how dare you? And so you know, my partner got up every time that baby cried and like got the baby changed and like hand the baby to me and like got me some water and then went back to bed.

So we're all suffering, Like everyone needs to suffer together. So that's kind of like the biggest piece of advice for partners is like just go in there and you know, suffer with the mom basically. Well, and you kind of alluded to it a little bit there, but how much do you draw from personal experience for writing the book? Oh,

it's it's a lot of my personal experience. But in this and all of my books, I bring in other people, Like I have my mom's on the front line, So I have all these different moms that I know, and I would kind of pose all the questions to them as well, because there's just no one way to do it and something that works today is not necessarily going

to work tomorrow with your kids. So it's always good to have lots of options and ultimately just know that like we're all winging it and you'll figure it out. You'll figure out your baby. You're just kind of getting to know each other. And you know, it's just a lot of trial and error, especially at the beginning, well the whole process actually beginning middle and then it's all trial there and then also during COVID it's like a whole another added stress and aspect to it all. And

his brother the first Ungler to have a baby. So his brother is having a baby. I think next week, right, he's not an ungler but he's a bell But yes, you will be. I'll be an uncle for the first time. Um. So I have to send this podcast episode to him to be able to prepare for it. February it is they're expected to day. So, um, is there any Is there any guidance in the book for being a good uncle? And no, I would say being a good uncle you want to give them as much space as you can.

Being a good supportive friend or uncle is you know, kind of feeling out how much they really want to go and see the baby with COVID and everything. Now, it's that's a whole thing. But just give people as much space as they need at the beginning, and try not to crowd them because it's just it's super overwhelming. And if you're nearby, or if you're not nearby, you could send them like a meal, door dash or something

like that. Be supportive, but like, don't show up on announced, don't like push yourself on them because they're just like barely hanging on. Usually. Yeah, it's it's it's funny you mention that too, because I was staying at my brother's house for like a week up until a week ago, and he was like, Dan, you gotta get the hell out of here, man, Like we have a baby coming on in a week, like we just need to prepare for it, and we just can't have you staying with

us anymore. And then in the back of my head, I'm like, I totally understand where you're coming from, but pardon me. Was also like, oh crap, I can't belie get kicked out of my brother's house right now. But I I fully agree with where you're coming from. I'm trying to give them as much space as I possibly can't. Um, how about for us, so Caitlin and I we we have no children, um, but we That's where I was going with that one. So we we bicker quite a

bit about our parenting styles for our new dog. Um. And I'm sure obviously having a dog child and having a human child are incredibly vastly different things, but I'm sure there's a lot of similarities to like, what do you say when maybe parents have two different parenting styles, Like one is maybe like way too attentive and the other one's way to lax, Like is there any like

type of balance they're able to find there. I think it's great to have a pet in advance of having a kid because it kind of gets you used to instead of being these two independent people, you have to work together on this project and ultimately that's what kids are of their group project and you have to get on this same page at least. You have to pick sort of one route forward, and there's a lot of

compromise involved in that. And having a dog is a good first that you know, like because it's really not anything like having a baby. But our compromises, there's conversations there. You know, you you both are caring for one thing instead of being too independent people. So you know, there are similarities in that regard, but you know, you can't leave a kid in a crate and then like go out the night. It's not it's really looked down upon it.

So it's that's quite the same. But I did think it's a good first step because I remember I got a puppy before I had a baby, and it was just like mind boggling to me the lack of freedom I had once. You know, I'm like, oh, I gotta go home. This thing's gonna was living in a condo. So I'm like, this thing's gonna like pope all over my house. You know, like like I just had so much freedom, and then that animal brings you back to like responsibility and then a kid is just you know

that times a million. But it's a good first step for sure. Well it's funny you mentioned too that having a child is kind of like the penultimate group projects from college or high school or whatever it is. I hated hated group projects, So I really hope that's uh that maybe in my older older age, I've gotten better

with them. But so is there like generally one thing that newborn parents disagree on most like is there one thing that you've seen and I don't know your discoveries or your learnings that like people tend to like butt heads on the most about I think it's just like

the sleep deprivation makestion into an insane person. And so you just like you fight over the stupidest stuff, and you just have to be like you have to give each other a lot of grace because you are not sleeping, you're not bathing, like it's it's dark days, and so you can start fighting over just the stupidest stuff and you're having these arguments and whispers because you don't want to wake the baby, like and like it's just this like weird in lest psychotic time and so there's not

you're usually not arguing over bid stuff. It's little tiny stuff. And some have if a bit, someone knock on your door and like make that dog start barking when the kid is sleeping. Oh, it's over. Like you're screaming at each other, screaming at the person, just like screaming at

the dog, and it's just just super heightened time. So I think for guys, it's really important for them to get in there and learn and make time with their kids because I was I had no idea what to do with the baby when I had a baby, and I would instantly like hand the baby off because I'm like, I don't want to break her. I don't want to break her. And when she's learned, heads bobbling everywhere, and

so you have nobody knows what they're doing. You're not gonna break the baby, So like you need to get in there. My partner would give the baby a bath every night, and just because I was breastfeeding, and so I would go have my time alone and they would connect with baby, do a feeding every once in a while. Like you, none of us know what we're doing, so you kind of have to get to know the baby. You gotta, you gotta, you know, do the learning curve

early and often because it's not easy. It's not easy for anybody. So I think the biggest thing, especially for partners is to like really show up and show that you're trying, even if you're failing, Just like show that you're trying and help out around the house and contribute and don't appear to be well arrested. That's number one. Don't wait what is it don't tell you the other parent that you're well arrested, don't appear to be well arrested.

And if mom is not showering, nobody's showering, like that would be That's been an argument before. It's like someone walks in, they've showered you, Like what when? When did you have time to shower? What's like it's like it's crazy new life that you're leading that Heaven forbid you take a time out of your day to shower and your partner hasn't had that opportunity, and all hell can break loose. It's just little stuff and how long does this last for? Like how long does that stage last? For?

Um less for a while, Like I don't want to make anybody too scared, But once you get out like the toddler years. My kids are eight and ten now and they're great. I think probably maybe six and eight we really hit a stride where well, but there's there was two of them, so there would be a lot of like you know, just poking at each other and being breast together. And so now they're just fine, they're just they're good kids. But three or four year olds

or not the funnest. So once you get past three or four years old, they kind of get into they're just they become little humans. They're just they're not quite humans until that age, and there's a lot of emotion they don't know how to process. There's a lot of screaming to them. You're living with like an insane person. You're like, why are you screaming? They don't know what they're screaming. And then everybody's super stressed out. But as far as partners go, you kind of get into your

groove early and figure it out. Hopefully by year three and four you're not still fighting over the same stuff because you figured it out. You know. Yeah, well, so you mentioned breastfeeding earlier to how like when the mom is breastfeeding and the dad can't really do much about it,

Like the dad goes off and goes to sleep. Is there anything that the dad can do to like help either the breastfeeding process or like, let's say the mother is exhausted the baby is hungry, Like, is there anything like the husband can do or the father can do in that case? Like, you can always think it just kind of depends on the mom as far as what she wants to do. You can always encourage her to pump between feedings and freeze the milk, and then you can give a feeding. If you can give like one

feeding a night, you'll be a godsend. Um. And also just if that's not a possibility, then do the dishes. Do the laundry, because stuff like, for some reason, this little thing makes more laundry than seems entirely even possible.

But they're just like you put something on in there, if you're gone, you're like, all right, next thing, So do the laundry, do the dishes, do things to make it easier in other areas, and like I said, keep her a little like breastfeeding section well stopped water magazines. I had, like make sure she has everything when she has because it's you basically are just like, change to that chair because at the breastfeed this kid for hours,

you know. So yeah, and insist on trying to take a feeding down and again and if she'll if she'll pump and like or formula feed, if you guys want to formulate fly now and again. Yeah. Well, Jared, I hope you're listening to this because it sounds like a lot of very good advice. Um, it sounds like your firstborn was a girl. Was your second born also girl? Boy? Oh? Boy? Okay, so obviously it's different because you had the boy after

already having the girl. But did you notice a difference in like the early stages with either the boy or the girl. Um. I noticed difference in early stages in me because I was a mess with my first one. I was just like I had no idea was doing. I was so nervous. I was so wanting every stage to come quick, like I just when is she going to sleep? When she going to do this? When you and I was just like so crazy and so worried about something bad happening. And I noticed to do with

kids or babies, like they're just completely foreign. So when my second came, I was just a completely different person and he was a different baby. Um, he was a little easier, but I'm not even sure if he was easier. I think I was just calmer. I was. If he didn't sleep, I was like, okay, asleep, eventually he's going to fall asleep. You're good. You're staying there. That's where you're staying. And when I'm not moving you, I'm not

doing Like I wasn't trying to follow any rules. I was just like, we're just going to roll with it. And so I'd be up all night with him, but I wasn't like stressed out about it. I knew eventually he'd sleep and everything would eventually happen. So it was just much more present with him because I wasn't as nervous. I knew everything would be okay, less nervous, more callous. You've been through the ring of fire before, so you know exactly what to expect and you could deal with

it no problem. Yeah. Yeah, And I mean there are different babies that have different issues, but like even things like breast being, I could do it the second time. It wasn't this learning curve. I knew, I knew how to operate a baby. He was different, but it wasn't as difficult. And there they are very different humans. It's very it's very fun um the difference between a boy and a girl, my boy and a girl. There's other people that have boys and girls that aren't you know,

your standard boy and girl. But she's just a sensitive little ball of love and light. And he's just like, you know, fart jokes and like video games, and it's just so funny because he's such a sense of bloyment. Also, he realized heavily on fart jokes, and that's just I mean, as as a thirty year old man, I still rely pretty heavily on fart jokes. So I see where he's going from stuff he throws out. You're just like, all right, well that's just born in. That is just born in,

but entertains me constantly. So yeah, it's funny. Full disclosure, I'm not really too keen on having kids, but Kalen is, and so I'm gonna. I feel like I've been asking all questions. I wanted her to ask some questions now, I mean my biggest thing, I don't know. I have feel like you asked them all. I also don't know if I want to have kids. I just did a fertility test to see if I can even have them, but I found out I'm fertile enough. Maybe potentially step one.

I don't know. I just have such a fear of children, and like hearing all the horror stories, but obviously like they do bring such a light into your life, but I'm just terrified and hearing these stories, I'm like, will we ever sleep again? Will we ever be able to lead normal lives again, have sex again. It's like, how old are you guys early thirties, he's thirty. Oh, you're

still very young. Yeah, I mean you know, like it's there's no rush, you know, it's not like your forty and you're like, oh, I literally I've got it, taking clock care. I mean, you have plenty of time too. I think on my second when I was thirty five. Um, yeah, there's pros and cons to doing it earlier and later. When you do it a little later like I did, you're very conscious of what you're missing out on because

you had this amazing life before. And then it's kind of but like I said, if we all settled in, you know, like I always tell them there, they were a ton of work, and I always tell them like, I had to give up caffeine and sushi and that's about it. Caffeine and sushi were the big thing that had to give up to to have them. And they were like, oh, because I know that's like my whole life, that's my diet is katheine and sushi. So I always

tell them, you know, the things I gave up. I didn't sleep for five years, and they know I love that too, and then I'm like, but you guys are worth every second of it, you know. They it's a weird thing because yes, it's so hardest thing you'll ever do, and then the best thing you ever do, you know, and it's definitely front loaded with the hard park, and then it gets into these really amazing times when you're just watching these little humans that you created become humans

and you to like witness that. So I think it's worth it. But it is like you have to go into annoying. It's going to be really really hard in the beginning, and eventually it'll be worth it. I think people always say, you know, it gets better, it gets better, and you're just like, okay, if it's not better by like midnight, then I don't want to talk about it, you know, because like you're not helpful. I haven't slept the bathe in two weeks. Like I don't want to

hear about it getting better right now. It's it's not all so so it does get better though, as cliche as that sounds, Yeah, And the crazy thing about it, it it seems to me from the outside looking in, is like you just you never get a break, Like when you go to work, you go to work for four year to sixty hours a week whatever it is, and then the other hours of the week you get to

like just not even worry about work. But when you have a kid, there's no off time, Like you're constantly thinking about him, You're constantly doing stuff for him and all that kind of stuff. It just it seems like a lot. Yes, it is a lot. That's why I always say the partners maybe if there's somebody staying home and someone going to work, the one going to work so always like, oh, I gotta go to work and

I gotta come home. With being home with that baby the whole time is so much more dusting than going to work. Like I used to love, we would have a sitter three days a week, and I just feel like here you go, and i mean like, you know, six hours to work and I'm like, oh, this is awesome because it's just time to just sort of decompress. And yeah, I do think one of the biggest parts

is the consciousness of that other human constantly. That's a huge thing to carry around with you, is that you don't you can't really prepare for that, you know, you're just sort of always thinking about them. And if they're okay and they're well being. I don't know what I'm gonna do when they're like in college or even in

high school. My friends and I from high school were like, yeah, they're not ever leaving the mask because the Mattocratic stuff we got into it, Like Nope, Nope, they're not leaving the house. Like it just that's gonna be That's gonna be super hard when they're outside of your reach. You know, we've been, uh, we've been watching you for you lately. That's all I can think about the entire time. It's like, man, these parents don't even know what the kids are up to.

It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, that's a whole another like yeah a Bokols. Yeah, that's like just a whole another level because they're just sort of outside of your ability to hold and keep safe, you know. So that's scary. Well, I've got a question for you. So, Kayla mentioned it a little bit earlier about sex after birth. I do you mention that in your book at all, like when

you feel it is like a good time. I mean obviously like there's a lot of conversations to be had around that, but is it like a general rule of thumb for that. I think there's a general like medical time that you're supposed to wait. I think it's six weeks or something like that. I mean, it probably depends on whether you have a c section or natural birth. Really it's up to the woman because there's a huge

part of when in your breastfeed. But even after your breastfeed, the toddler stages, you have these humans on you, like they just are on you all the time. There's it's a weird even like I don't know how big your dog is, but you know, like my dog, my little leapt dog, I'd sit down and or like sit on me. Sometimes it's like, you know, lick your face like that.

But you like kids will just come up and just they're just like this all they're constantly touching you, and then you miss it when they stopped doing that, you know, when they don't want to, you know, hug them, and you're it's like, oh, but women can get to a point at the end of the day where they're very touched out and they're like, do not come near me, and as a thing to do with you, it's just oh my god, if another human touches me today, I'm

going to lose my mind. So it's really about sort of navigating her and making and not making her feel

like you're pressuring her. And you'll probably get a lot farther if you give her space and be very attentive to knowing that that's what she's dealing with and you probably dealing with the two you know, there's something about like put the baby down, and you're just like, so, yeah, I don't think there's any one right answer, but I do think it's important to stay connected, you know, and that you can start to really disconnect because you're just so tired and at the end of the day that

sometimes doesn't it's not a priority because you're just like, I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, so it's really have to be a conscious effort between the two of you to stay connected. Sometimes that's just date night,

you know. Sometimes it's not sex. Sometimes it has to start with like the two of you leaving the baby with someone and going and just having a conversation and not talking about the baby, not talking about the baby's poop, not talking about anything, just like just talking to each other like humans like he used to do, you know, right, right, I think, yeah, it really disupposed that communication every step of the way. It sounds like, um, well, don, thank

you so much for joining us. I'm so bummed that Jared wasn't here because he like he could have benefited, and he will benefit because he's gonna listen back to this on Spotify, on iTunes or wherever he gets his podcasts, but he's gonna tune in. He's gonna learn a lot from you. If you want to learn more from Don Days, be sure to check out her book that No One tells You and You're sequel to that? Which is what is the name of the sequel to that? Well, there's

no one tells about pregnancy. No one tells you about toddlers, and toddler tells you about baby number two? Stopped that too. I don't recommend more than I mean it's it sounds like it's only been six years, so there still might be a number three at some point. You know who knows? Ye? You never know. Um, before we say goodbye to you, do you just have one piece of advice for the listeners, like one general piece of advice. It doesn't It can be super general, it can be specific, whatever you want,

Just one piece of advice. Like parting words. I think the thing that people connect with my books is that, um, it's just honest that it's really hard. And I think you know, you're you're told that this is this is a little miracle that you're bringing home, and you feel really bad if you're looking at this miracle and you're like, oh my god, this is ridiculous. It's just the hardest thing I've ever done, and my life has been blown up. And that's all okay to think, you know, it's it's

okay if it's hard. It's supposed to be hard, but doing it right, it's very, very hard. So I think that it's beneficial to everyone to know that it's going to get better, but it's going to be really hard and it's hard for all of us. Well, that's great advice. I'll tell you what though done. The very first book of Years I'm going to pick up is How to Run It Wait, the ship that no one tells you about running a marathon instead of the ship that no one tells you about everything else. So I think I

think I'll run a marathon before you know, other stuff happened. Hopefully. I highly recommend doing that instead of watching a page hopefully, hopefully. Thank you so much for joining us again, for the listeners out there, check her out Dan Dais and check out her sounds like you've got like so many books, and I'm sure we'll see a lot more from you um coming down the line. So I appreciate you joining us,

and thanks for partner all your wisdom on us. Thanks. Yeah, follow help by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast