Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he says he's been dating a woman and she loves him more than he loves her, and he's asking should he settle for this or should he dumper and start all over? Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this, which was did he just use the word settle? And
with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I might be more torn on this one than any other one we've received.
Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should I settle at twenty seven?
Or move on?
And look, I think when you've lived enough life you realize you don't have to settle.
But early on in my life I might not have.
Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just being settled literally, and so they settle so that they can be settled. And it's one of those A bird in the hand is we know, they say better than two in the bush or.
Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener? Could I do better?
But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't.
They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something in you is thinking that there's something better out there? Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn, because no matter what we have, we always think we got something better. You know, you can find something better. And who knows what this woman is and how great? And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then that means he is settling. I don't know about all of that, So I think it could be a good thing,
and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can bring you great joy and things on the other side, and then called you to realize what you gave up or missed out.
My mom always told me there's always going to be someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting.
Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us.
But she told me this throughout my life.
That if you're always looking for someone who's got something better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At a certain point, you make your decision about what works for you. And at the end of the day, this doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me, and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ.
My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is a choice.
It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want to be with someone and you want to have a partner in life, and you want to have a teammate and you want a family, you choose it. And you have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard, and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else is out there?
And we've all thought that.
Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard. It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision. Love is a decision.
No, no, no, no no.
Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float during the day. Love has me sending more text messages than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is. Don't tell me every day I get up and I have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love of day.
I don't think every day you have to make that decision. My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus years though, so I get it. But the point being, I think in moments you have to choose. In moments you have to say not if you wake up every day going, oh my god.
Do I have to be with this person? That's the whole other issue.
You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way. You said just simply every day you're making a decision. I want to be here and I want to be with that person.
Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And I think we have this.
I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea of what a relationship is and what love is right off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just embrace each other with love excitement.
You're describing love?
Yes, exactly what?
Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question that was written into us by Chin. I will read the full one. It's a short one. So no, big deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound like a jerk.
But here's my question.
Should I be with someone who's really into me if I don't want them as much back? Or should I wait to find someone I'd really like to be with but will have to work to win over. I'm a twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for my current partner or start over and keep looking.
What should I do? China?
Does he sound like a jerk?
I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought, that thought has come into your mind. That is a human thought. And I don't think we should fault people for being honest.
How often do you have it?
I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life, throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No hourly you missed it?
How about you? How about you?
No?
You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I could do something better. It's only I take stock of the current relationship I'll look at it and say I don't want to be here, this isn't working or is this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want something better. I want somebody who's more like this or more like that.
Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether or not you know that next step, I think that's when people start questioning this.
Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow.
Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it.
But you should ask the question, can he have this conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without hurt feelings being the result.
Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation or you have to break up. It's one or the other. I don't think you just bury that because I think you have to be able if you can't have an honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings might grow. I think when you've been in enough long term relationships like you and I have been, and a
lot of you listening are in. If early on you're already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing this notion that somehow and your things king you might better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to be with this person. That spend the rest of my life with this person.
He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long they might be together.
He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put a ring on it? I want to have babies, I want to like you know this is that's a time in a lot of women's life. I know I was in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want
to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very different than maybe my generation, but that is a point in which you usually start to think, if you've been with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here? Are we actually going to do this?
Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because I have given advice before and I do believe it, and people who have been at this point that I say, why are you letting perfect to get in the way of good? Because we do? And I think, if you have your standard and it has to be this, this, this, and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards.
And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good?
Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women, but men to you should put a list, maybe even when you're in the dating world or when you're in a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be
a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall, dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible, he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even if it's he can support me whatever it is you have. And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things, and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have your non negotiables, and then you can have would like to have, and the would like to have could be
some of those other attributes. But when you actually look at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable?
And is this you know?
But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is going to have flaws or things you don't like about them.
You're going to get into some of the comments that we got from a lot of folks on the article with this. I didn't give this advice at the time when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now. This is the advice that we give get out of that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's not wasting your time. If she is around the same age and she is thinking about those things, your head is already here. You actually owe her, or it would be I know it seems mean to break up with her,
but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year or two or whatever of our life. You stay with another year, another two, then she got to get over for another six months, another year.
Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them.
So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme. So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys.
Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys.
Because Yahoo has a big guy readership.
They certainly do.
Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship advice column, and we have a question that came to us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether or not he should settle for his current partner or start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait, the way he sees it, she likes him or loves
him a lot more than he loves her. And the comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions. We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very much like what my mom said. Love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It is commitment and a willingness to let go of your selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a
long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey in learning to let go of resentments and see where we need.
To grow through our choice to love our partner.
Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self contained and that you're making a decision after you've already come to a good place in your own life to share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's I think that's fine ways some people see it, but it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've been seeing since I was a kid.
It can love be a heart flutter too. He said love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter.
But I think that's where we get messed up in that we don't think we have the love because our heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose that lust and still have the love. But I think we want to feel something. We want to feel excited when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat, when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's that person you want.
To feel that do I feel like and maybe this is the romantic in me. I do feel like both can be the same. They won't always be present. You're not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years down the road, thirty years down the.
Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be.
Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone, if the flame is out, I think that's really tough to manage that and to continue that choice.
It feels like a burden. I do feel like.
It's I think it's okay to believe and to know that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before, but do you agree.
I think that that you can't have both. I think you should.
Still be able to feel that desire and that lust towards the person you love, even decades later. And I think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think it's a fantasy.
Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode. Can we get through this because this is really turning me off?
Okay, we'll move on.
Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself? Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to come to an agreement? The reason why our society is anxious and depressed is that they think too much about what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead to good mental health. Think about what you do well
and try to do it. Give your life for others. Life is not easy. What you need is someone that is stable and you can count on that person also needs to count on you.
That was good and well thought out. But he makes a good point where how do we find this balance of Often times we're told we do need to focus on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head that if you settle for anything less, then you are doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care
of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At the same time, we're talking about you should be focused on the other person, not you. So what do we make of that?
Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one.
I've I had an AHA moment when I read his Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting.
All the shows we watch.
How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better. It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he does make a good point that our where our mental health in this nation is not going the way in the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists,
people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better, and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and our needs instead of focusing on others.
I've well done.
All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here. And by the way, all of these comments, most of them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters. Number one, don't use someone and string them along and keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along.
It's not nice. Number two.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three. With my second point, you might end up breaking up meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize one year or five years into the marriage that this person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling. My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is
not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on yourself and figure out who you are before making any type of long term commitment such as marriage.
Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know. I don't think someone older would have sent this question in because they would have known who they are and what they want and how they feel, and they would also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going in the right direction. I bet this very much has
to do with the age on this one. Not a bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain at twenty seven years old.
Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin having both gotten married at twenty three.
Okay, and so we get it.
We at twenty three and even the next time around, like it's just you're still.
Figuring out who you are.
So I thought that was great advice from el kat Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and are happy with who they are, or you're not. If you're with someone for what they bring to the table, then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when I hear she likes me more than I like her.
Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of should I settle really indicates you no longer want to be with your partner.
Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way, and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people
to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's one of the we always want to be special and feel out front, and the way that most people do it is you have to make somebody feel less than You have to put somebody down first to make yourself feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do.
Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar. And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made that point for me that I hadn't considered.
Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got, with how she's feeling, with how you're feeling. But if you're already going there and already doing that, and I think everyone it sounds like from everyone that I read putting in a comment, and certainly what our advice was, I think it's pretty universal. At this point, Chin needs
to break up with his girlfriend and do it. Is exactly for her sake one hundred percent, and the probably the reason why he's staying is for his sake because it feels safe and it feels comfortable. But Jin, we think you need to move on and it's the best thing you can do for your girlfriend and for yourself. Well with that, folks, thank you so much for listening to us. And please, if you haven't checked out the column, it's in the Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ,
and please feel free to leave a comment. We love reading them and we certainly hope you love listening to or at least listening to us here, but reading the columns that come out every Monday on the Yahoo Life section. So thanks for listening to us right now. We hope you have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm Amy robot on behalf of my partner TJ.
Holmes. We'll see you tomorrow