Are Relationships a Waste of Time??

It was cool. So anyway, for anybody who doesn't follow me on Instagram, which if you listen to this podcast and you don't follow me, it's totally cool. But like you can also follow me because it really helps me out. Uh. I'm opening the coffee shop Audrey's Coffeehouse and Lounge in

South Kingston, Rhode Island. And we got the sign up, which has been you know, a lengthy process, you know, coming up with first of all the name of it and articulating it after after figuring out was Audrey's, It's like, okay, well is it gonna be Audrey's Cafe? Is it gonna be Audrey's Coffee Lounge? Is it gonna be Audrey's you know, cafe and bar? And so we finally came up with Audrey's Coffee House and Lounge. And then we've been working on the logo, going back and forth, figuring out the font.

You man, you don't know how many fonts there are in the world until you're trying to figure out a logo. So going back and forth and that was a while, and then coming up with the rose as the apostrophe, and picking out different types of roses, what it was gonna look like. Finally getting that in there, and then sending it to the sign company, and then obviously creating the sign, getting it shipped over here, and then getting

it put up in place. You know, it's probably like a three or four month process, and it just it makes it feel so much real. Every time I drive to, you know, the coffee shop, now it says Audrey's Coffee House and Lounge on the outside, and it makes me very proud. So it's cool, man, I'm excited. Um, what about the inside, how's the inside coming along? It's coming along, man, Tons of furniture in there. We've got a lot of equipment.

I mean, I'm not saying anything that you know, people already don't know, but there's obviously a huge issue with manufacturing right now. Cargo ships can't enter the States, and everybody's behind and doesn't have product, and they don't have enough people to work, and it's just it's pretty crazy right now. And so what usually takes a week takes you know, five weeks now, and everybody's behind. It's not

just me. So it's coming along with the equipment, furniture, and then you know, I have electricians and plumbers and installation people coming in and out every day. I actually just left there and then I gotta go back right after this podcast. But dude, honestly, every aspect of it so far, except for the past week. The past week

has been a little overwhelming, but I love it. It's been so much fun, you know, creating this concept, figuring out what we're gonna do, how we're gonna sell things, how the operation is going to be run, you know, bringing generous coffee and so having been being a part of it in a way, having you guys be a part of it, kind of come up with, you know, drinks.

I was gonna ask you this too. I told you I think a couple of weeks ago, but I want, you know, all of our bachelor friends to come up with some sort of quote about dating or relationships, and uh, we'll have cards, you know, and it will be like, you know, a quote about love from Dean Angler. And obviously it would be something silly and stupid, because you know, I've already got mine. What's it gonna be. It's gonna be coffee is like dating. You gotta try it. All

that is awesome. Yeah at Dean anglert Um perfect. So dude, Yeah, it's been cool, man, it's been fun. Um. Caylin asked me this yesterday. I didn't have an answer for her. She wanted to know when it uh tentatively is going to be opening, hopefully later this month. As long as things get into place and we're ready to rock and roll. I can't imagine that we wouldn't open by the latest early November, because you guys want to be able to

strike hot with pumpkin spice latte season among us. Oh of course, man, We're gonna have so much pumpkin and eggnog flavors and caramel and chocolate and whatever else. Ashley wants. I thought it was gonna be February for some reason. I don't know why, but I guess when I saw your video of the inside and I was like, oh,

that's like still pretty far away from being finished. So that was about two months prior that video I took about two and a half months ago, and um, it's a lot different now and I'm excited to show people new floors, new paint, uh, furnitures in their more equipment. We actually had our computer system installed today and um, it's definitely scary. I'm not gonna lie. What is it

like building out a business as an influencer? Are you able to like partner with furniture companies to like furnish the inside of the I was telling Ashley this yesterday. I don't know how anybody's doing anything without Instagram following. Right now, I feel so grateful and blessed and appreciative. I always have been of people that choose to follow me on social media, just as I know you are.

Were like, I don't know why people follow us, but I feel incredibly lucky that they do because it helps me out so much. Even dude, so hiring is obviously very difficult for a lot of business owners out there. Ashley has posted two things on Instagram and I've gotten like twenty resumes just from that, and I've interviewed them all and they're all great, and they're all excited to work there. And you know a lot of that also comes from them being fans of the show and an

opportunity to work with us. But that's fine by me. And and it's just, you know, I've been able to even post things on on like even when I post videos of like the coffee shop, people DM me and be like, hey, I do this if you want anything or you need help. And like somebody reached out to Ashley when she posted something on Instagram. Uh, and she's

gonna do. We just hired her to do a mural inside the coffee shop and she created this beautiful, beautiful um landscape and it's just and like, I would never have I would never have found her had she not reached out after Ashley posted that thing. So it's like, you know, I don't even know who to reach out to. And I've been so lucky that people reach out to me sometimes. Um, yeah, that's funny that you say that.

I definitely agree Kaylin has done a great job of decorator in house as well, and a lot of that has been through business partnerships that she's gotten. So I mean we're definitely one of the some of the lucky ones out there. Umah, yeah, that's what's like the starting wage for barista. And I'm asking because I might consider applying as well. You're gonna have Amy Unis on later, and she talks a lot about women in transition after divorce.

I want to know, like, if I were to transition from being a quote unquote influencer to like wanting to be a barista, what could I expect for my my pay. Well, so we are coffee house and lounge, so you'd be a baristas slash bartender, which is totally cool. I'll cross train you. It's gonna be super easy, you know, Deane, since we're friends, we go way back, you know, I'll give you. I'll start your offense like eight. That's so generous of you. I'll give you a really good compensation,

make sure you enjoy the job. You can't collect tips. All the tips go to make but a fifty an hour. I'll start yet and we'll see how you go. Maybe we'll bump you up in three years to eight sixty um. For for reference everyone that's listening to this podcast, that's a three dollars below the Rhode Island minimum wage, which is eleven fifties. So I appreciate that, and we're not going to talk about that. We're fine. This is my minimum wage. This is the bachelor minimum, which very generous. Man,

the minimum wages eleven fifty. I wit, like, I know, the minimum wage in the and the minimum like living wage are way different. Obviously, back when we were like working those types of jobs like hospitality or in restaurants. Minimum wage back then, I can't remember what it was for me in Colorado Springs, but I want to say it was like a six dollars and cents. Oh yeah, man, I remember my first job at the Hollywood Video I think I was making like seven bucks an hour. Granted

that was you know, it's a fifteen years ago. Oh my god, so I just wow, my, I just I just threw up into my mouth a little bit because I was about to say like ten years ago, and I'm like, nope, that was fifth teen years ago when I got hired at that job. It's definitely It's definitely good that it keeps going up. I think there should be like a minimum living wage, right and that is definitely not higher than what it was when we were kids. But man, it's crazy to think that we used to

work for absolute peanuts and well we were sixteen. Man, Like, dude, if I got seventy bucks a week, I was like, I'm rich. I'm going like, We're going out to Domino's tonight. What do we want to talk about this episode? Jared Phillison on what we what we have in store? So of course we have. We have two guests that are coming up. One is Amy UTIs, who is a life coach uh specifically she helps women um date after divorce.

She is a woman of divorce and she has been in relationships since her divorce, long term relationships, including pretty much jumping into a five year relationship immediately following her divorce. So she's gonna come on talk about that. And we also have a buddy of mind coming on the podcast a little bit later. He's a cancer survivor. His name is Cody O'Connor. Now he has an incredible story. This

dude is walking literally early across the country. He started back in June in New York and he's walking all the way from New York to Los Angeles. He should be in l A by about Christmas time. I think he's in Kansas City right now. And he's doing it to raise money for pediatric cancer patients. So he's a

survivor of cancer. He wanted to give back in any way he could, and he I forget what type of cancer he had, excuse me, but he was told at one point in his life that he was never gonna walk again, which is why he came up with this walk, and he ended up to find the odds started walking. Now he's cancer free, and he always had this idea of because the doctors told me I would never be able to walk, I want to walk across the country. And he's doing it to try to raise money for

pediatric cancer families, cancer patients and their families. And this dude is so inspiring. I've talked to him a few times. I didn't Instagram Live with them. Ben is the one who actually put me in contact with him. So he's gonna come on a little bit later and just give us a little bit of a lowdown of his story where he's at, how he's feeling. I mean, the dude literally is walking across the country. It's insane and he's

doing some great things. But before we get to our two, guess I do have well we have some hot topics my friend. Uh yeah, before we get to the hot topics quick, for the record, it's it was bone cancer, bone cancer? Thank you? Yes? Um wow, this is an interesting segway talk about like we're gonna talk about Megan King and uh connected with cuff Owens on a dating app. First of all, do we know who tough Owens is? Follow up question? Do we know who Megan King is? Yeah?

Of course Megan King's got she used to be. Where's that am I thinking of? Who's Jim Edmond's ex wife? Yeah? Megan King? Thank you? All right? You know Jim Edmonds? Right? I don't at all know the baseball player Jim Edmonds. He played baseball center fielder for the Okay, why is Jim Emmen so famous? I mean I know he's a ballplayer, but like, why was they on Were they on a reality TV show or something? Oh, she was a housewife, ash So Ashley's yelling from the other room. God, she's

so good at context. So Megan was a real housewife. Jim was a baseball player. He was dude, you remember this guy. He used to make like top ten plays all the time, full extension diving plays. I think he was a center fielder for the Cardinals. But I digress. So he married a real housewife. Maybe that's why they're famous. Anyway, So Megan and Jim are divorced, and now she's dating this dude named cuff Owens, who apparently in this article says that he is the son of President Joe Biden. Oh, okay,

they just got married. Wait. Wait, cuff Owens Joe Biden's nephew, according to People dot Com. Okay, so he's his nephew. Okay. I was like, it's definitely not his son. Okay, So cuff Owens is the nephew of President Joe Biden. Megan King just married him, and they apparently met each other's family after one week of dating, which is at the core of what we're getting at here. So apparently they met online, they connected on a dating app, they texted for a day two, and then they spent five straight

hours on the phone when they first spoke. Now, this is where it gets a little Craig Craig. So by the time that call ended, their first phone call ever, after five hours, Cuff was booked and packed for a flight to St. Louis. That took off an eight hours, and within a week they were both back on the East Coast together, meeting his family and starting to plan their future together. That's crazy. So they just got married on Monday, small ceremony at their home. I'm curious how

long they were dating before they got married. A month. They were dating a month, man, I thank god you're here, Ashley. He's got the inside and phone everything. So they were mad. So they were together for a month, started talking about their future after eight days of knowing each other, including him booking a flight after the first phone call, and now they're married. This is gonna end disastrously. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely gonna end disastrously. You can't marry someone after

that short amount of time. Apparently. I was just doing a quick research on him on exact networth dot com Cuff owens, although his net worth is unknown, he's an attorney in Los Angeles and he's forty two years old, and that's all I was really able to gather on him. Hey, listen when you know, you know it sounds like Megan King, Um, you know, I don't. I don't watch these um real Housewives of Whatever shows. Kalen Kylin does, and I, you know, from time to time I'll sit down and watch for

a little bit. You sound like every guy that's ever approached us. And it was like, you know, I don't watch the show, my wife does. And then you start talking to him and they know everything about the show. No, no, no, no no, no. This this is different because I know absolutely nothing. All I know about the show is that, Um, how do I how do I say this delicately? Like

the people? The people on that show, the Real Housewives particularly, are very eccentric and they're they're just they just go about living life a little bit differently than everyone else. And so the fact that she's marrying this guy after a month is, um, it's surprising. But then you take into account that she's a real housewife of whatever, and it becomes a little bit more understandable because that's kind of exactly the type of behavior I would expect from

those people on that show. They could be nice and all that kind of stuff, but they are nice. I've met Megan, she's extremely nice. Yeah, I just um, they just they're just they're just they live life by the beat of their own drum, you know. Yeah, it's just very impulsive because yeah, okay, Ash, how long were Megan King and Jim Emmons married for? Okay, so they so she was married for four or five years. They got a divorce a few years ago. I remember that was

a couple of years ago at least. And I feel like Megan King would know better than anybody to not rush into anything like this because who would want to get divorced again? Who knows? Who knows? I feel weird commenting on this type of stuff because again, like I have no real will understanding of the situation. But it's just it's like all a little a little wonky, right, Like you can't help but think something is is is

missing or misfiring because you don't you just don't. You just don't go up and get married to someone after a month. But at the end of the day too, like on the flip side of it, I feel like if you talk to your grandparents, you they're like, yeah, I knew the day that I met her that she was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with and we got married a week later in a barn down a mile away from the house. You know, you're like, it's so romantic nowadays. We're like

in the moment, we're like, what, that's weird. You know, you bring up a valid point, my friend. Plus, here's two guys from a bachelor franchise saying that someone shouldn't get married after a month when we were on shows where you propose to someone after knowing that after me and a half weeks. So although neither of us did that, so I do think that gives us a little more

of a of a cushion to talk about, you know. Yeah, even when producers asked him to right, producers asked you too, and you said me, my friend, we all saw the US Weekly headlines last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love um. It's so much fun when a little off handed comments I make on this podcast gets run by those magazines and then uh, people take to Twitter and Instagram and just you know, say really mean things about me. But it is what it is. This, this is the this

is the world we signed up to live in. And I guess it pays the bill. So that's all that's all that matters to me. Yeah, we put our Herbie Hancock's signature on that thing a long time ago. My friend, one more hot topic before we move on. Uh So this is an article from Bustle. It's most relationships and but that doesn't mean they were a failure. There are many benchmarks for measuring the quote success of a relationship.

With this in mind, marriage or otherwise being together forever doesn't have to be the golden standard of what we want with someone and beat ourselves up for losing. The goal of love can just be having a nice time. It can be letting yourself feel things you haven't felt in a long time or have never felt before. This perspective isn't just to ease the pain from breakups as they happen. It is also to help make the best

choices in the present moment. There is no prize for staying in a relationship longer than you really want to just because you're afraid to quote fail or don't want to confront nose, confront annoying relatives during the holidays, regardless of how things come to a close. When the goal is love for love instead of love for always, a

relationships end doesn't spell failure. Breaking up doesn't mean you wasted your time or theirs, and moving in different directions doesn't necessarily lessen the beauty of the time when you were in the same place. Do you agree with that? I? I do agree with it. I think that there are certain, um like certain caveats to that type of thinking. But I would say, like, there's no such thing as a as a wasted moment, because like every moment is a

learning opportunity. Like that's kind of essentially what they're saying. It sounds like, um and I agree with that. Like, you know, you wouldn't be in your great relationship with Ashley if you didn't have all of those quote unquote fail relationships with people beforehand. And same with me with Kaylin. You know, like I've I've definitely had a lot of uh in the moment. Maybe they felt like bad relationships, but they kind of acted as learning experiences for me.

And I think as long as you approach those types of things with that mentality of like, oh, yeah, that really sucked, but now I know what I don't want for the next time. You know, it's it's it's it's just kind of flipping your perspective is what it sounds like, right, Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I never thought I never understood why people would say, oh, it was such a waste

of time, I wasted three years on that person. No, you didn't, and you had so many different experiences and you learned, you loved, you grew, you just lived life people. That's what it's all about, living life. Uh. And this is actually a good segue because we're going to talk to Amy about you know, quote unquote time wasted after you know, she got divorced, and I wonder if she feels like her time was wasted at all. But that's

a conversation when Amy is here. I will say that there are, um and I'm sure you would agree with this, there are certain situations, like you know, talking about like abusive situations where you're like, okay, that wasn't that was an absolute waste? Well, yeah, that's an extreme. I mean, if you're talking about any type of physical especially physical, but emotional abuse too within a relationship, yeah, that's that's

a whole different. Then you're allowed to say you wasted a couple of years of your life if you were with someone that was doing that kind of stuff. Yeah a jerk. Um. But like I said, we have Amy coming up next, So before she comes on, let's take a quick break. All right, welcome back to help I suck at dating of course, Dean myself, and we're joined by a very special guest. Uh. She is a dating health coach. Uh. Well let me how about this. It's Amy.

You just ladies and gentlemen, and Amy tell us who you are? Awesome? Uh and you got the last name right. So first of all, thank you for that. I have to I have to really think the producers for that. I'm not gonna lie. Uh. So thank you both for having me. Very nice to meet you, and I have to tell you my seventeen year old daughter is a huge fan of you both. Um. I am a life coach. I have done some matchmaking in my tenure and then

also my day job is a recruiter. So just my kind of path through life right now is um connecting people either you know, with their careers or romantically, uh, and then talking to people about what's going on with them in their in their lives outside of work as well. So um. But also I'm a divorced woman and I think that that's part of what we're talking about today. So, UM, I'm here to talk about dating after after divorce or

or drawing from your own experience. You know, how difficult was it for you and how long did it take after your divorce to start dating? Well, I started dating pretty quick and and I don't I think that that is a UM, it definitely depends on the person, um and the couple oftentimes as you both I'm sure can imagine one to break up. Once it's time for someone to break up, it's been dead for quite a long

a long time. So um, it was a few months for me, uh, dipped right back into a very serious relationship for a few years that ended up not working out, and then, um, my path has been like this ever since. So um, and I've been divorced for almost a decade. So what's your take on the rule there isn't that they're that breakup rule where however many years you guys dated, that's how many months you should wait until you start

dating again. What's your take on that rule? I think that you should, Um, that rule should be flown out the window. UM, just fold it into like a paper plane. My experience, you know, I had a very long relationship. I was in a relationship for five years that just ended this past June, UM, and I thought that was it. I thought, Okay, we're locked and loaded for life. And it's been way easier to get over than most of my other, um, major relationships. And I think it's because

I know myself really well at this point. So UM, I think that the longer you live and the more you kind of understand who you are when it comes to relationships, you can kind of show up differently as time goes on. I've got a question for those types of relationships. And I imagine that five year relationship that wasn't your marriage, right, that was a separate one separate. So so for a relationship like that, and it's just I guess, forgive my naivete, because it's really all it

is with this one. What at what point do you start to realize that maybe this is my person? Because so I'm in my longest relationship now, two years, three months, whatever it is, it's hard for me to imagine like new information coming about in three more years where I'm like, oh, okay, wait, maybe I don't want to be with this person anymore. You know, I guess what what is there, Like, what what exactly would that look like for someone in a

longer term relationship. Yeah, that's a great question. Um, I would say to start with the context of people who have already been in a marriage often have a lot of factors that I would assume you don't yet, right, Like, you have your girlfriend or wife, you have happy um, and you know, things are kind of moving along at a certain trajectory in your life once you've been divorced. You put kids into the mix, you put money into

the mix, you know. Um. I mean I didn't work when when I was married, and so part of part of the reason I started dating quickly. Now now I realized it is because I was like, somebody's gonna help me out financially. Um. And the longer that I've you know, been single and moved along in my career, I can date men with a different lens because I don't need that. UM. So I think that, you know, in terms of a relationship lasting that long. Ultimately, for me and that particular man,

he never wanted to get married again. He never wanted to you know, share space again. And for a long time it was easy for me to ignore that, and it got to the point where it wasn't that wasn't easy anymore. How many long term relationships have you been in? And when I say long term, I'll say more than a year and a half in my including marriage or so.

I have friends that are in long term relationships and their relationship changes over time, as all relationships do, but they don't know if they're as happy as they were in the beginning of a relationship, and so they question whether they want to be in a relationship. So I feel like a lot of people are like, well, you know, this is great about my relationship, but this isn't so great? And so am I just looking for something that's not there?

And I'm the type of person that always thinks the grass is greener on the other side and I should just accept this relationship for as it is because I'm happy, or am am I missing something? And should I be looking for something more? And whenever I have a conversation like that with a friend who's in a relationship right now and they don't know to do, I feel like I never have a good answer. So what would your

answer be? Another great question? Um, So I have a really good guy friend and right when this particular five year relationship split up here and I went for a hike um and he had been engaged to a woman and that broke up. So he's been married once, had a broken engagement. I was married once, had a broken what I thought was going to be a lifetime partner, And by the end of our hike, he's like, you know what, what it should be really is just uncomplicated happiness.

So my advice to your friends or my own friends, if it's difficult, if it's so challenging that you're more upset than not. I mean, every relationship, of course, is going to come with ups and downs, with struggles, with needing to communicate through things, etcetera. But if it fundamentally doesn't make you happy during this one time that you're on the planet, you shouldn't be in it. And I think that that's why unfortunately so many marriages and in divorce.

You know, I met my ex event at a bar in San Francisco, and and we loved each other very much, but we didn't change in the same way at the same rate, and so as a result, that's not who I should be living with day over day over day. I shouldn't. I I want my children to see a different model in terms of the way that they choose their partner, and I want them to be able to be authentic with whoever they are when it comes to

meeting somebody and settling down with them. I want to I want to kind of shift gears for a second really quick, too, because you kind of mentioned this briefly and it it sparked my interests. So you said that when you were married, you didn't work, and then after your divorce, of course, you had to find a way to to be able to make ends meet for yourself. What was that process like and what kind of advice would you have for someone going through maybe a similar situation?

And and one of the reasons why I really piqued, well, there's at a couple of reasons that piqued my interest was. One is because I just watched White Lotus. I don't know if you guys have seen that, but when acts very similar situation, very good. And two is be because I feel like I'm kind of in that situation with the way I make money. Now, I know I'm not gonna be able to make money this way for the rest of my life, so I'm going to have to

reintroduce myself into the workforce at some point. So I'm just curious to hear from you and what kind of advice you would have for, you know, people dealing with something similar to that. Yeah, and in terms of the people that I coach currently, that's kind of the main I'm called a WIT a woman in transition, right, and so that's that happens a lot, right, where you just have to kind of pivot and figure out how to land on your two feet. So the first thing I

did was just take whatever job I was offered. So my first two jobs were like twenty five bucks an hour. It was certainly not sustainable. I live in Marin County, California, like right, you know, on the other side of the Golden gate Bridge. Um, And for me, it was a lot about networking and really determining what it was that I was good at. My first job was at a mortgage broker's office, and I was like, oh, I'll just be a mortgage broker. Mm hm, like you're not allowed

to talk, You're not supposed to. I went in and complemented someone's home and the woman who was training me was like, you know, and I'm like, Okay, this is not for me. I want to chat with people, get

to know people. So I think part of it was determining what I'm good at, which is connecting with other humans, and then figuring out how to make money and then taking some big swings like I went from I worked at a little tech um agency as a recruiter, then went to restoration hardware, then drop offs, and now I'm at a venture capital firm in tech. And you know, you just have to keep putting yourself out there and determining that you're the one that's going to be able

to do the job. It's funny too, well not funny, but I'm I come from a recruiting background as well, so it's always interesting to hear perspective from other recruiters. You know, I didn't know that. Yeah, I was in I was in tech for two years and then I was a startup recruiter for three years before before going full time influence here, which I mean, I feel like I would love to go that route at this point. But yeah, it's a it's a fun uh it's a

fun short term plan. But like I was saying, uh, I know, at some point in my life I'm gonna have to transition back to something. So it's always it's always cool to hear perspectives of people that have had to do something similar. So I appreciate that. Yeah, I think there's so much opportunity out there right now that, um, finding something that you love should be easy enough. Yeah. Absolutely, Um, Amy, do you think again? You know we're a dating podcast,

so we're just gonna ask you some tough questions. Are you ultimately happy that you got divorced, like cut the cord? Yes, I am, um It it was not a road that my family would have wanted for me. Um, it was not a road that my children wanted. I don't think, of course that Sean and I really wanted it in certain ways either. But it's best for everybody. Um. I think my kids have learned resiliency in a different way. I have a career and I wouldn't have done that,

and it's been super fulfilling. Um. My ex husband is remarried to a woman who is a personal friend of mine at this point, Like we've become friends and you know, go out to dinner just the two of us, and to me, that's such a better payoff than being in a relationship that we knew was dead. Um, And when we were in therapy, our counselor said, you guys can hang on to this for another five ten years or so, but it's not It's not going to get that much better.

And I think that that's a disservice to everyone around us. You know, if it's not Hell, yes, it should be. No right, did you have her? I have a time where you regretted it. The reason I'm asking this is because I want people to who are listening to this, who are relating to your situation, Because I'm sure there are people who feel like, Okay, I'm doing the right thing, I'm getting divorced, and this is going to make me happy,

but I'm sure that they have moments where they're doubting themselves. Yeah. Absolutely, I mean, and I would argue that that's true for many of the major things that go on in our lives. But um, certainly, you know, financially, it is frightening. For a bit. Um, our daughter was really sick for a while and I wanted somebody that I could just like lay my head on their shoulder and talk it through.

You know, there were times that that person wasn't there. Um, But ultimately I think like being authentic in your one life is the most important thing. What do you think the hardest part about dating again was, like what was the biggest adjustment you had to make personally for it. It's interesting that certain aspects of dating never change, Like, you know, should is he gonna call? Should I call him?

What does this text mean? I'm like, I'm in my mid forties, Like what, I can't believe I'm still asking of these kinds of questions. Um. And then the only other major adjustment recently was the act that that relationship did end in June, and I thought, okay, like it might be a husband, Like it might be over, you know, um, and it was really lovely. Over the summer, I was at a party in Tahoe and this man walked up to me and he said, you know, I've met you at X event and I just found out that you

and so and so broke up. And I'm really excited about that. And that was like hugely validating and also kind of a reminder to me, Like I tell my friends and my clients like, you don't know who's watching you. You don't know if there's like a guy at the cafe or in your yoga class or what have you that is waiting for his entrance. So I had to kind of change that mindset watching you in like a non creepyway, just to spens. I took it. I took it as high praise. Yeah. Yeah, there's an endearing thing

about it, for sure. Yeah, of course. Um, So, what are some of the things I want to ask you about dating? As we've been talking about after your divorce, so you obviously jumped right into a long term relationship. Did you go on any dates with other people that didn't go well? Um? I went on a couple of dates that didn't go well. Nothing like dramatic or upsetting, but one of the really cool things. And again I wonder if this is because it's people who have been

divorced and we live in like the same community. I think people are pretty respectful of each other's feelings. So there's a few guys that I have dated over the years who are just really good friends of mine. At this point, you know, it was probably pretty easy at the beginning to go this isn't gonna be it. But you're a really amazing person, and so I've got these guy friends who I can like hype with and go to brunch and that kind of stuff, and new girlfriends

who are married to your ex husband. Yeah, because you go to dinner with his wife, so it's his wife with his ex wife. Yeah. I think every now and then he feels a little ganged up on. She's she's ash and she's amazing, and she's like, sure, you need to cool Ami back, you know, And I'm sure he's like, yeah, my own. I gotta say though, it's it's so nice when um adults, especially with children, are able to split up and have that amicable friendship still. Like, for instance,

yesterday I was playing golf of the buddy. I was playing with him, his mom, and his stepdad, and on like the ninth hole, he gets a call from his step mom that she was gonna come join us, and I was like, that's kind of weird. Your stepmom and your mom are going to be hanging out. And he goes, no, dude, like they're best friends. My stepdad and my dad are

best friends. And I was like that, like I remember really had a firsthand experience with anything like that before, and I was like, that's like such a mature thing to be able to like all be friends and be cordial, especially like for the kid's sake and all that kind of stuff. So high praise for people that are able

to do that. Yeah, it's been fun. I've been to quite a few, you know, birthday parties or events in morn where the exes are all together, and I think people are really um committed to creating the modern family at this Yeah, the modern family. It's definitely a good way to put it, so old school nice. Do you work with a lot of women? Do you work with men ever? Oh? Yeah, um, not as many, It's I think, Um, you know, life coaching has been my side gig pandemic,

single mom, et cetera. So um, and I think that the people are who are most drawn to me at this point are people that are in similar situations. What kind of difference is do you notice, uh, generally speaking of course, between like the men and the women going through similar situations. Um. I would say that the men that I've worked with in general have just been a little bit more guarded, at least from the beginning, Like it takes a little while to kind of get to

the nitty gritty of what's going on. Lots of talk about like, oh, I'm really overwhelmed by this work project, and it's like, I'm not you would not be here paying me to tell me this if that's really overwhelmed. So this is a fair you know what. Men and as a man, I could say this, We're not the sharpest tools in the ship. I'm a huge fan. Okay, good, I'm glad, But I do think it just takes a little a little bit to get to like what's making

your what's making you feel stuck as a man? Well, Amy, I really appreciate Dean and I really appreciate you coming on the podcast. Um, but we know that you're doing some life coaching. Is there anywhere people can find you who are listening to the podcast I want to know more about? Yeah? Yeah, My Instagram is probably the best place. I have a calendarly link um for an introductory call if anybody wants, you know, to potentially have an appointment

with me. And that is my first name dot last name. So it's a M I E. Not why so when you're spelling it on Instagram A M I E dot y you d I C E and they're the dogs. Amy. One question too before we part ways. Um, I know you do a lot of like post breakup work. But is there any like pre break up work that you are able to help with or willing to help with or have done before where it's like, let's say someone's like maybe considering a divorce or something like that. Is

there anything like that? I wouldn't feel, um like I was, like, I have the educational background. I'm not a therapist, so I feel like that's a little out of my wheelhouse. I talk about it with my friends all the time. But short answer about that, No, okay, cool. I mean definitely you can definitely added to the repertoire at some point that like a transitionary type thing where it's like maybe kind of already agreed upon and we're just working

through it. But I think you're doing great things. I think obviously your lovely person. So anyone should take your advice, I think, and run with it. So best of luck, Amy. You just check her out on Instagram. She's gonna turn your life around. Yes, thanks a lot, you guys. Than I welcome back to help I suck at dating. We have very special guests joining us right now from somewhere in the country. I'll let him talk about it, but it is Cody O'Connor, who is walking across the country

to raise money for pediatric cancer patients. Cody, how you doing, buddy good? How are y'all doing? I'm doing well. So, first of all, tell us a little bit about your story, why you wanted to do this walk, and where you're currently at in the country right now. Yeah, man, So currently we're just outside of Kansas City. We are approaching the border and very very much so looking forward to

getting into Kansas. But at age fourteen, I came down with young starkhoma, which is a form of bone cancer that affects roughly about four d children every single year in the United States. And through my battle, I saw a couple of things, one of those being how much it actually impacted my family. I'm the oldest of seven. All the attention was pulled off of them and put onto me, rightfully so, but but I didn't like that.

I felt like they still needed to be able to go to their sporting events, be with their their friends and all of that. My mom and my parents both thought eviction, divorced, bankruptcy one of where food was coming from. And seeing that stuff, I wanted to make a difference The other thing that I noticed in my battle was at the conclusion, I was told I would never walk

normally again in my life. And uh so to kind of take control of my my circumstances, you know, we we prayed hard, we worked hard, and now we have a five oh one c three trying to fight all of the stuff that I wanted to change, and we're doing a fundraiser walking from Times Square to Santa Monica Pere. I want to know more about this walk. Tell me about this walk. So every everyone, every once in a while, you'll see these big news headlines of someone walking across

the country. I'm just like in my head, like you can't even it's like thinking about the number of one billion, you know, you can't even really conceptualize what it what it must be like. So so tell us about the walk so far, and just like kind of what that all in tail else? Really, Yeah, it's it's a logistical nightmare, to be honest. I mean you you really don't understand how much you love the ability to do laundry until you're with a few people that just reek. Man, It's

it's crazy. You know. We we've already gone through like ten pairs of shoes, we the heat, the the assistance that we've needed from from sponsors, from donations to help us get through. This has been crazy. It's um. Sometimes it's hard to wrap my own head around. But honestly, you know, a normal day really consists of waking up. We probably get up between seven and eight. If we're lucky.

We found a hotel room that that that evening drewy In has done donated a bunch, so we've been lucky for about forty nights so far in a row and hopefully that continues. UM. But we found ourselves sleeping in police parking lots from time to time. So whenever we wake up shortly after that, we're we're often walking and my I have a trail car. They tail me and

they kind of carry all my stuff. So because I'm not supposed to do this, I try to keep all my backpacks and everything like that off of my body so that there's less impact on my ankle. Allows us to get a little farther in. It's safer for my body in the long run. UM, And we pretty much

hydrate every single hour. We switched shoes probably about halfway through the day to try to avoid the wear and tear on the on the sole of the shoe and honestly taking calls from the road, doing pretty much anything that you would have to do in a normal work day, and then trying to catch up on emails and when the evening comes. Uh so it's a long, strenuous day. It's the same thing over and over and over and again. So you have to be very very content being in

your own head. So it's it's kind of crazy. Can you share a little bit more about I know you said at the top of the of the segment that you had bone cancer when you your first segnis when you're sixteen? You said, right, I was fourteen and ten months fourteen, Okay, So can you share more about um

that diagnosis? I know, maybe like less about how it affected your family, because I need you touch on that already, but more like what was like the prediction for your physical well being after that, you know, like, and then what did you have to go through to kind of get back to where you are today? Yeah? So, initially when I was diagnosed, we were prescribed basically fourteen cycles of chemotherapy. We weren't sure if I would need radiation

in my battle. I ended up needing twenty five cycles of that, and I actually went under into surgery for the whole removal of my bone, not knowing if they would be able to save one inch that's like what's commonly known as like your ankle bone, like that that's on the outside, right. Uh, that inch would have been able to allow me to still play sports, walk normally,

run normally, and all of that. When they had to pull that out, they had to pin all of my tendons into my tibia, my shin bone, and from there forward it was all it was all downhill. Um. The problem was that I would never do anything like this in my life. I would never run place sports. So those years, the year round athlete that I thought I was, who I thought my identity was, I had to redefine myself. And yeah, I mean I had a few years of pity me within myself, just kind of feeling lost, trapped

in Um. You know, everybody always cheers for cancer patients to win the battle, but oftentimes when they to win the war, you need more support than that. Right. Mental stuff is everywhere and it's coming more and more to light in our society. So yeah, what do you think, um, Being a cancer survivor. How has it changed you? It's humbled me a lot. Uh, It's it's allowed me to stop and smell the roses a little bit. Life is precious.

I before cancer I had I was very driven and rightfully so, I mean I was what fourteen fifteen years turned fifteen during my battle, So I mean I was in that whole influence itself. Go to figure out what you want to do in the future, Go to college, get your job, go, go, go right, And I was very much tunnel visioned when I went through cancer. I call it the greatest experience of my life because it

really brought me closer to faith. Allow me to slow down and really see who's around me, who, who's who? Who needs help? Let me extend my hand a little bit and let me smile a little bit more. Don't don't rush through life trying to finish before before you even start, you know. And uh so as of now you are you are cancer free? I'm assuming Yeah, yeah, yeah, thankfully. So So how did that How did that ankle bone removal go? Did they were they able to spare a

little bit of it or is there still? It's all gone? So yeah, So the whole, the whole fibula and my ankle was gone. And my initial operation, I only lost the lower half, but they took it from halfway in your leg all the way out from the foot. Uh. And then they found a blood clot at one of my remission scans and that was in the bone that was hanging there. So my whole family, about two years after I beat cancer, I thought we were coming back

down with cancer. And instead of trying to do a biopsy and dragging tumor cells into the body, they just immediately basically said, hey, let's get you under the knife, let's remove the rest of your bone because you don't need it, and basically hope that it's not cancer. Turns out it was a blood clot, and everyone else is all, oh my gosh, blood clot. And I'm sitting here like dancing in my room because it's not cancer totally. So

I know you mentioned this before we started. I'm not sure if you mentioned on air yet though, but you're you're currently in Kansas City. That's how far the walk has taken you so far from Times Square to Santa Monica. I just did the I just did the Google search. That's one thousand, one point one miles. So how has the ankle been holding up for those nearly twelve miles so far? Yeah, it's surprisingly done really well. The biggest problem we've had has been my hips, because I favor

one side versus the other. My anchor hip is my left hip. I got back to my chiropractor when I was passing through Cincinnati and he said that my hips were rotated down and separated, so that initial adjustment was rather painful needed, but they very very painful. So the ankle itself is doing well, but everything else is kind of the the question mark with this right now, do you find yourself having a more physical or mental exhaustion?

Good question? I think physical because mentally I just end up going into this pattern of whether it's getting in sync with my trekking polls, so like a click clack type of thing. You know, this isn't an under armor ad. But just keep on going right, Uh, you know, you just kind of fall in a trance on the road.

At least I find myself not really a runner's hide, more of like a hypnotism by doing right and uh, my body though trying to propel my hips really fight through that It's it's kind of like you you pray for that that numbness after there's too much pain, right, just so that you can keep taking a few more steps. So do you ever get I noticed myself whenever I'm

walking somewhere. Obviously I'm not walking to a hundred miles anytime soon, but let's say I'm walking like a mile and I just like a quarter of the mile into it, I'm just like bored, right, and I'm just like, I'm just gonna I'm just gonna run. I'm just gonna start jogging. Do you ever do you ever get in that mindset where you're like, I'm just gonna start sprinting like or

something like that. I don't know, And I wish I could actor that he's cleared me for a lot um he would frown upon that during this uh you know, towards the end of the day, I want to sprint it out, and you know, to be honest, my body doesn't have it in it. And after like fifteen miles, you know it's pretty much beat anyway. Um. But yeah, no, I I actually find myself playing the game, like can I count how many telephone calls I passed today? Something

so dumb. But it's like, you know, you're just playing these little mind games with yourself. Recently I started reading and recording like bathrooms, so I can give advice on im, like where not to go. Yeah, that's like that's your George Costanza kicking in. Yeah, pretty much pretty much? Is there is there? I'm pretty pretty unfamiliar with how bone cancer works. Is there any atrophy in any of your other bones from it? Or was it mostly just in the ankle? It was mostly just the ankle. Um luckily

mind state localized. It is possible that it would have spread. Um, they can't ever prove that mine was in the marrow. Wudn't have been in the marrow then I probably would have had a much more of an uphill battle. So I guess my main question is, like you're you're like, let's say, like your fema on your left leg, which is pretty far from your right ankle, right, like that bone is pretty much unaffected from from that cancer. Yeah,

I mean it's pretty much. That's not to say that chemo won't eventually, you know, have had long term effects or anything like that on my body, but yeah, today it is completely honest. That's cool I'm learning so much. Appreciate it. Yeah, everybody listening, please go over to um Cody's Instagram. Uh, you can click the link in his bio. It's called Champions Do You Overcome dot Org? Or you can just go to the website www. Dot Champions Do Overcome dot Org. Donate. You can support him in any

way you can. I mean, Cody, what you're doing is incredibly inspirational. I've had the privilege of being able to talk to you sometimes as you're going on this journey, and you know, anybody who's listening, please support him. I mean, your money is going towards cancer patients and helping them with a multitude of things that they need help with. And so before you go, Cody, I do have two questions for you, but I wanted to make sure I

plug that Champions Do Overcome dot Org. Please donate whatever you can help us suck at dating just donated as well, courtesy of Dean Dean was Dean really wanted to donate, So we donated some money to work. Yes, I just press I just pressed the button as a podcast thank you, Oh my god. Of course that's the least we could do. And of course it was it was I don't I don't want to take credit forwards definitely Dean. Dean was like, I really want to, so we did it as a

podcast and then I did want to ask two questions. One, because you're so inspirationally and you inspire many many people, and you do, my friend, I know you've had people come up to you and say that they are inspired by you, including myself. Who is you who inspires you? And then secondly you said you've gone through like ten different sneakers, so now we got to know what's the best sneaker out there for walking or running? Good question? All right, so the first one who inspires me? Um man?

That's uh, well, after snooping on Dean, because Dean, I didn't know who you were until I saw this, honestly, So after snooping on your life, it's kind of the life I'm hoping to live, travel all the time, you know. Uh No, so that could be a little inspiration. But I'm honored. I'm honestly man. My my trainer, rich Rich Franklin, he's a UFC Hall of Famer. He inspires me, kicks my ass every single day. But honestly, breaking it down to my grandma, my father, my grandpa, my mom, you know,

my the core of my family. Uh, they really get me up, get me going. Um, because they've provided purpose in my life thus far, and to be able to give back and hopefully create something that can pay it forward year in and year out from here on in in my life and help people even after my life is done. Um would be something that is just special. So there's that non tier jerker reply. Um, we got sneakers. Um. You know, Ultra has done awesome with providing you with shoes.

So I have to say, Ultra Running, if you're gonna do any type of marathon stuff, if you're gonna do any type of walking whatever, you got to be nice to sponsor. We get that, We tillly get that. They but but in all honesty, they have a wider toebox. So for my foot in particular, it's it's been really really nice. They're lightweight, they hold up. Um. And I've

had a couple of different pairs of theirs. I have one that I used for the road on a regular basis, and then I have a trekking pair that I use it because their waterproof, so and I found both of them to be very very good. Um. I have also worn a pair of A six and Brooks, and to this point I think that those are way too narrow from my foot, so uh so yeah, so no matter that they are my sponsor, I'm going with all trap There we go. Good to know. Now I gotta get

a pair of Ultra sneakers because I FLYE. There you go, see there you go? Well, Cody, thanks man for coming on. We really appreciate it. Thank you all. You'll have a good one. Yeah, thanks Cody. Be sure to go check out check how his Instagram page overcomer Team, and be sure to donate the link in his bio. Thanks guys, Thanks Cody. Are everybody welcome back to help I suck at dating? Big thank you to Cody and of course

Amy for joining us on this week's episode. We are going to get into one quick email before we get out of here for this week. I don't think Eastern's here. I don't think Marcus here, but I'll tell you what. We gotta Hannah, we gotta Kendall, we gotta Danielle. Do any of them want to step up and read an email for us? I can read the email. Somebody's listening out there somebody's listening, I'm always listening. That's Hannah for everyone that maybe doesn't recognize the voice. She is our

incredible one of our incredible producers. But thanks for stepping up, Hona. We appreciate it anytime. So those emails from Zach, he says I dated a girl for a little over a year while in college. We broke up last Christmas. However, after the breakup, we would basically hook up and not

like a couple without the label of a bowl. We broke up initially because I was having reservations about getting married and settling down, but upon breaking up, I found it extremely hard to let her out of my life. Fast forward to this summer, and we both decided we shouldn't talk to each other anymore. We haven't talked in about two months, but I'm finding that I'm missing her

like crazy. She also told me recently that she started dating a guy who's a med student, which of course makes me think about the amazing life she'll have with the smarty pants like him. So even though I was the one to break up with her, I'm surprised at how much I miss her. I'm wondering if either of you have been in a similar situation. Oh, man, Zach, I'm sorry to hear that. Man, that's uh well, I'm

sorry to hear it. But at the same time too, it's like you kind of you kind of did this to yourself, right, Like, yeah, he definitely did to himself. But at the same time, Zach, this is what I think I've been in situation. I've been in a situation like before. This is what you need to do. You need to confessor feelings and you need to tell this girl how you feel. And Zach, you need to you know, you buckle up and commit. That's my that's my suggestion.

If you truly love this girl, which you're making it sound like you do, and you miss her like crazy, then you need to commit. There's no one foot in, one foot out anymore. If you think you want to be with her, then tell her. I want to be with you. This is what I want. I want a commitment, I want to move forward. I want marriage in the future.

This is what we're planning. But Zack, if you're still saying, hey, I want to be with you right now, I just don't know if I want to marry you three years from now, then sorry, it's on you, bro, then you need to let her go. I know that this, uh, this holds a special place in your heart because it's very similar to it. You're a Nationley story. So I'll choose my words carefully here. Um, should I hang up now and just let you go? It might? It might, Yeah,

it might be a good time for that. No, I just you you did it right, and like you said, if you're not going to commit, then don't do it at all. Um, I would say, though, having been in a situation similar to what Zack is in now, it sounds like he is just jealous of her ability to move on, a her ability to find another great partner be and now he like maybe like his own ego is telling him that he like needs to reinsert himself

back into the picture. And again, I know it works out, and like in years in actually's case, of course it did. So maybe maybe Jared's advice is is a lot more sound than mine. But it sounds like Zach is being a little selfish here. You know, he's saying, Oh, she's doing great, she's got all these things going for her, But now I miss her, and now I want to get her back, and now I want to reach out to her and tell her how I feel like to me, that just that on the surface, it sounds a little selfish.

And I know what you're saying is like, if he really does mean these things, like if he really does want to settle down with her like you did, actually, then it's of course obviously worth it. But I guess and the reason I think it's selfish because from my experience, I've done that before and then we've broken up, you know, not not three months later. So it's like, you're gonna pull this this girl away from her current relationship and then kind of leave her high and dry again three

to six months later on. Because that's just me projecting what I've done in the past. So that's where I'm coming from. I think you should just leave it alone, let her be happy. You know, what's the old saying like if you love a flower, let it grow or whatever it is. It seems like that's kind of applicable to the scenario. Just kind of like be hands off, let her do her thing. If it's meant to be, she'll come back around eventually. If it's not meant to be,

maybe she won't. So that's kind of my take on it. Listen. I agree with you. Actually, I think that if he's having doubts or if he's like, oh yeah, I mean I want to be with her, I just don't know if I want to commit to her, then yeah, he's

being selfish and you're a right Dean. I just think, Zach, if you need to do a little self reflecting, soul searching, as they say, and if you think that this is the girl you could potentially marry and you want to be with her and you don't want to lose her from your life, then of course confess your feelings and see what happens. But if you're having any doubts of commitment, and I agree with Dean, you're being selfish, bro. And

here's how every relationship, every breakup goes in a relationship. Um. I think we've talked about in this podcast before, but it's something that I've noticed for a long time and have believed for a long time is whenever there's a breakup between a guy and a girl specifically, uh, the guy immediately is so excited, he goes out on the town, hangs out with his friends, loves being single. The girl is devastated and uh, not to put it into like

any like gender trips or anything like that. But then fast forward like to say like three or four or five months. The guy is then devastated because he realizes he was happier with the girlfriend in single life maybe isn't as glamorous as he wanted it to be, and the girl who had already grieved the relationship is now over it passed it and moved on, and you know, maybe dating maybe just generally happier. So it's like, you know, one starts out really bummed, one starts out really happy,

and then eventually criss cross. And it sounds like that's kind of a similar situation here where Zach, you know, broke up with her really likes being single. Now what the advantage of perspective is looking back and being like, oh wait, maybe I actually don't want to be single, Maybe I want to be in the relationship. It's just it's a tail as old as time. I've been there so many times with breakups in relationships where you get out of the relationship and you're thrilled and you're you're

gonna be one of the boys again. You got to go to the bars, you get to like you just kind of not have to answer to anyone, just do your thing, and then after enough time passes, you're just like, oh wait, actually know, I kind of miss being in the relationship. So that's kind of That's kind of why I'm a little more critical is act because it reminds me of me. It reminds me of like my college

days or like my f boy days. If you will. Yeah, No, we need your criticism team because I'm usually wrong and like I need someone to just, you know, tell me how it actually is. I'm naive, you're realistic. You like to look at life through rose colored glasses. Yeah, rainbows and unicorns. Baby, I'm curious to get Honah, what's your

perspective on this? My perspective? Okay, and let's see. Well, I think if he ended it, that's kind of his fault, and if he really is missing her, I mean, I don't think it's a bad thing for him to say that and reach out to her, But if she wants nothing to do with it, I mean he kind of has to let her be. He was the one who wanted to end it. I think what Hannah is saying is I agree with you. He needs to do what Dean didn't which is like you go back and you say,

I'm here for you. I want this, I want to commit, I want to try. And if she says, hey, listen, I've already moved on, then, like Hannah said, so be it. But I think Dean, what you did was perfect because yeah, you know you you ended things just like listen, I ended things with Ashley, and then Dean, you were like, hey, listen, I'm an idiot. I made a mistake, which we all do,

and I want to try to correct that mistake. And so instead of going down to Paradise and being like, well, you know, kind of like as much as I love Kendall so much, and i I do, I love Kendall, I just wish that she went down was a little bit more assertive like you were. So I think Zach needs to be assertive if, if, and only if he's going to commit and really pursue a long term relationship with her. I know what's funny is I know we've

talked about this on the podcast before. I totally forgot that mine and Kalen's relationships started very similar to how yours and Ashley's did, and a lot of well not similar, but there's a lot of parallels, right, and so I guess maybe I am kind of on your side when it comes to that kind of thing too. We're just like we are. The timeline is much much shorter than yours and Ashley, so I always kind of disconnected to But you're right, they were. They were basically one and

the same in a lot of ways. So more contensed version. I agree. I agree. Just go out there, tell her how you feel um at that point. Once it's out there, just like once the information is out there, that's all you can do, right, And that's kind of what everyone seems to agree about. Once you like say your piece and then let her kind of make her decision from there. Yeah, I agree. All right, Well that's gonna do it for

this week's episode of Help Us Look at Dating. Big thank you to Amy you dis for joining us the Life Coach. Check her out on Instagram. Of course, it's spelled a M I E. I don't know why I said, of course, but we mentioned it before. It's spelt a little differently if you're looking up her her up on Instagram. Cody O'Connor, thank you so much for coming on, buddy. Of course, go to www. Dot Chan Appiens Do Overcome

dot org. He's walking across the country. As you heard his story cancer survivor, raising money for pediatric cancer patients like this dude is an incredibly human being and you really could use his support. So once again, if you just go to his instagram, Cody O'Connor, you can check out Champions Do Overcome. It's the link in his bio and just donate anything you can. Thanks for Zach for

the email. We appreciate it, and as much as we gave you some crap uh, we really do wish the best for you, buddy, and thank you so much for listening to the podcast. And I think that's gonna do it. Deany, what's gonna happen next week, Jared, Well, hopefully we all just suck a little less. Follow help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast