Alter Egos

a little country know as Canadian shirt. You're very Canadian. I like plaid. Plaids nice. But we have a very important announcement right now. We just received breaking news that just happened five minutes ago. Guys in the dating world, It's incredible, sad, but also maybe a little happy. Lady Gaga and her fiance Christian karin No have ended their engagement. Now this is big news because the entire world, after seeing a Star is born, I'm pretty sure is shipping

the relationship between Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. And here is one step towards Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Finally, becoming the couple everybody in the United States and all around the world really wants to happen. Is Bradley Cooper single. No oh, come on, So don't put that energy onto him. I know I feel bad, but honestly, because here's the thing, Ashley has been behind this the whole time, like thinking

that they're actually in love. There's actually a rumor a couple of days ago that Lady Gaga got a tattoo that was a secret shout out to Bradley Cooper. I don't know if you saw this, but she got a tattoo on what appears to be her arm, her forearm, and it's music notes. Yeah, she's also a musician, that is true. Yes, And apparently the notes spell g A g A Gaga. There's four notes on there. But somebody tweeted that they must they had information that apparently the

notes spelling Gaga in the treble clef. I'm hoping I'm pronouncing that correctly spell bc BC in the base clef and b C b C Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper. Listen, I'm not saying it. I'm just reading what's on the internet. Okay, guys, all of a sudden, Lady Gaga ends her engagement. She's getting tattoos that could allude to Bradley Cooper. I've been against it this entire time. Let them live their lives, let them be happy. But now it's like, Okay, well

she entered engagement, Bradley still with someone. Bradley is with a stunning woman, a stunning woman together too as well. But you know what, look at Orlando Bloom and Um, Katy Perry. They ended their relationship and now back together and now back together and engaged. Engaged yet? But can we talk about the engagement ring for a second. Yeah, I want to talk about it. What are your thoughts on it? So the um he was engaged? Who was engaged to previous to Katie Perry? Um, it was the

guy from Getting to the Greeks brand. No, no, no, no, no no, I'm not talking about Lady Gaga. I'm saying Nando Bloom wasn't Miranda cur Randa cur and Miranda curs ring. Um looks like a flower, Like there's a diamond in the middle, and there's diamonds all around. And if you look at Katie's Katie Perry's new engagement ring given from Bradley from Orlando bloom. Uh looks basically the same, just different colors. Just like, yes, i'm looking, I'm looking at

two pictures right now. I'm looking at Miranda curR. Oh, I'm looking. I'm a looking. But they're they're different colors, they're different styles. It's it's not that, No, it's the exact same style. Well it's a flower, yeah, but the flowers are completely different. I mean, all right, here's the thing. It does. Apparently her the Miranda what's her name or Miranda curs ring, I don't see the flower. I guess it. I guess it has a little bit of a flower

shape with the diamond in the middle. And then Katy Perry's new ring, it's just it's the same. It's the same shape, but just different colors, but also like a different style because hers has like HER's it Katy Perry's looks bigger, and there's like it's like, what kind of flower would that be? What kind of flowers Katy Perry's engagement ring, it's basically a flower, like when kids draw flowers on a piece of paper, You draw like a circle,

and then you draw circles all around that circle. Vanessa you're trying to say that Orlando Bloom gave an engagement ring to Katy Perry that resembles the illustrations of a third grader. I think it looks like a girl's cookie to me. Oh yeah, now I'm hungry. I can see a girl cell cookie. I guess I don't see the flower on the first engagement ring. I don't know. I'm looking at it right now. It just looks like a

big dude, So we don't really can't. So if you got this from a guy and you knew he had given the other one to a previous fiance, this would bother you. Um. I mean if it was if it was the actual same ring, then yeah, I'd be like, dude, if it was as similar as what you're looking at right now, no, no, no, If it was similar, that's it's fine. But I would like him to be a little bit more creative. Maybe this is his favorite style of ring so well obviously, well was there when he

got engaged with Miranda? Was there talk of a flowered shaped ring? Or is this just all coming out now because they resemble each other. It's all coming out now because they resemble each other. Interesting. I wonder if he even thought about it. I wonder if he was like, oh, yeah, I got Probably not. I mean, I'm assuming. Note, I don't know. I don't think it's that bad. I don't think it's that that crazy. Do you think it's crazy? Though?

That are not crazy? Do you think it's a good idea for people to break up and then get back together again? Sure didn't justin timber Lake and Jessica Bill. There's a bunch of people who did that. Yeah. Actually, surprisingly enough, I was researching this and Kelly Rippa and Mark Consuelos. Is that is that same? Yeah, they broke up a day before they got so they broke up, and then they got back together, and then the day after they got back together that eloped and have been

together for I don't know how many years. You can't truly know unless you let it go. There is something to that. There is. Amy and I broke up for literally less than forty eight hours. But that break up maybe not you could argue that, but at the moment it felt very major and upsetting. But it also made us both realize that this is stupid. How long were you guys together when this breakup occurred? I would say three years? So a decent amount significant. Yeah, were you

guys married yet? Okay? Yeah, I'm I I know a very healthy couple now that have been married for a very long time that broke up years back for a few months and realized that they couldn't live without one another. I think I think people have there's like a bad taste in people's mouth when they realize a couple broke up and now they're back together, because maybe there's a

trust issue or people think there is. But man, there's something to be said about appreciating somebody else and you can't really appreciate them unless you experience life without them. You look at yeah, I mean, look at Justin Bieber and Haley h Baldwin, Um, Miley Cyrus and Liam just got married and they were engaged and they broke their engagement and now they're married. Yeah, So I think it. I think it comes down to how you you relationships.

I'm someone that was very black and white growing up in my twenties and now coming off with a bachelor and you know, just being able to be open to different types of relationships has shaped me into someone that is open to that kind of gray zone where I mean Vanessa life is happening in the gray. I know it's so, and I'm learning. I'm trying. I know it's a it's a big struggle of mine to swim in the areas of gray, and I'm really trying to get better at it. You gotta swim in it, you gotta

breathe in it. You gotta really just accept trying. At least I'm admitting it though. That's you know, hey, the first step in solving a problem is realizing that there is one. Also, you said Haley Baldwin did Haley never changed her name. She's not Haley Bieber, She's just Haley Baldwin. Thinks she is Haley Bieber. Is that she's Harley Eastern. You're nodding your head as if you know Haley is the kind of thing that Easter Biber Baldwin. It is

Haley Bieber Instagram. Her legal name know is Haley Road Bieber. I didn't know that, which is actually a full sentence. So there's still together though, right because I heard rumors that they were I mean, I knew that they were going in counseling, and they were very beautiful thing. It is a very beautiful thing. I hope they're doing all right.

I suggest counseling before it hits the fan in a relationship, because that's when you have to start undoing a mess and undoing so much hurt that's been done to two people. It's I think, um, yeah, I think a couple of therapy is great when you're like getting to know each other and super excited and you know, working on yourself

and working on the relationship. I think that's uh for me at least, it's it's it makes me feel very optimistic about a relationship because that means that person is willing to put in the work and not run away. If it's kind of like trying to stop a cold before occurs. You know how your road starts getting a little itchy, it's a little irritated. You don't want it to get worse. Yeah, you know, you got got to

get that emergency emergency really the fan. So what would you say to people who would say that if you have to be in therapy when you're still dating, well, you don't need to be in therapy with double the advocate, devil's advocate throwing them out there. Yeah, I don't agree with that, because then I think you're kind of taking the easy road out. It's the grass is greener on

the other side. Mentally, compare it. I compare it to we we live in a society that's so superficial, Like you know, we put on our best self on Instagram, these filters we put on Instagram, and you know, all these things that we do to ourselves physically going to the gym and eating well to look good. But what's

really happening internally, what's happening in our head? And why aren't we working on exercising our feelings and exercising our communication skills and bettering that um And I think it's still seen as you know, a sign of oh, well, your relationship is not really strong. If you're going to therapy and being able to be open to talk about that, that means you guys really have shoes. No, it means like I'm going to the gym for my brain, and

so is my boyfriend. I also think commitment is a choice, and so when you commit yourself to someone, if things are going poorly, you should do what you need to do to try to fix those things, and then includes therapy. But I don't think it's necessarily just fixing. I think it's just checking in. Right. When you're going to the gym, you're not really fixing anything. You're fixing I'm fixing this thing.

If I'm going to the gym, you could be maintaining as well, right because you're not just going to go and then stop, because then what ends up happening. So it's about maintaining um. And I think it's it's such a beautiful thing and I'm so grateful that I did it while I was on the Bachelor, And that's like one of my biggest takeaways from the show is a therapy I did well. We have some wonderful guests coming

up on this episode of the podcast. We have the author of a new book called A Terrible Data, Sabrina must and then we also have coming in later on life coach Mike Bayer. He's also known as Coach Mike, who just wrote a book called Best Self, Be You Only Better. He's actually a guest on Dr Phil Weekly, so we're very excited. He treats celebrities like Jennifer Lopez. Uh So he's a big deal. We're very excited for

him to come into the podcast today. I feel like it's going to be a really enlightening podcast, and it's going to be an incredibly enlightening podcast. And we actually have Sabrina Musk coming up in just a moment. Who really has time to go to the post office these days? It's always busy, there's always traffic getting there, You've got to find parking, you're lugging all your mail and your packages. It's a real hassle. That's why you guys need to

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Sabrina are you there, Yeah, Sabrina. Sabrina. That's such a great name, because obviously reminds me of Sabrina the Teenage, which which was a big show in my growing years. So Sabrina, tell us a little bit about yourself and then tell us about your book. Yeah, I'm from Michigan. I'm actually here right now in my parents house. It's

freezing here, but I live in San Diego. And the new book I've you know, I haven't come out with a new book in about seven or eight years, and I do a lot of blogging and run a content company and then obviously write books. And the book is really it's not just for singles. Um, it's about what are we taught about dating and courtship and all the ridiculousness that kind of goes along with that, and um, it kind of is the message of empowerment and discovery.

But it has a lot of ridiculous anecdotes over the year, so um, very fun and you know, humorous, and UM, I mean it's dating. Who who doesn't have a lot of ridiculous stories? Oh yeah, I know, I do. I wanted to know how did you start? So I see that you have you have a blog and you travel a lot. How did you become a writer? I know the story if you want to share that story. I find it's so empowering, the you know, it's funny. I had. So I went to school out east in Baltimore and

UM Hopkins at a at a writing seminars program. It's like a pretty prestigious writing program. But I was one of the few in the whole program that didn't have this like master plan to become an author. UM. I just kind of did the degree because I liked all the distribution classes and I didn't want to do UM

international relations anyways. So about a month before I was finishing up, my oldest sister died, UM committed suicide, and I moved back to Michigan and I just kind of started writing, which turned into this book UM called Must Girls Off. It's my first book, and it's very intense. It's a very different in some ways, there's a similarity because it's still memoir and it's still UM very raw and honest, like a terrible data but it's very intense, and I always kind of prefaced that for anyone, but

I just kind of that was like my outlet. And then I started writing UM the Living Witnesses the Holocaust IF publication with my mom to a photographer, and it just kind of everything just kind of you know, I just one ft after the next and just kind of fell into it. Um, but not you know, the life trajectory so to speak, that I had kind of planned.

So um, yeah, you know it's you. You always I did a lot of things that weren't healthy for me in terms of grief, and then a lot of things that were really healthy, and this was like one of those things. So so did you find writing was a therapeutic way for you to maybe kind of reconnected because there was a loss of a connection and that was their way of grieving. It was it was the best way that I could have spent especially those first two years they were some of the most like the most

intense in my life. And it a lot of it was selfish, Like it was the way that I was grieving and then knowing that I was going to help someone else that I didn't understand what was going on when they were going to you know, eventually grieve someone that was very close to them. Um. And then on you know, on the flip side, people that have never lost someone closed um, for them to have kind of an insider look of hey, this is what's really going on.

And you know once like un Jewish so well not religious, but you know one ship was over once. Um, I don't know all the different denominations, Like how they kind of grieve, um around funerals but once everyone goes home and a month later and everyone forgets about it. Oh yeah, that's rights Like life stucks right right. I mean really, how we spoke about this before on the podcast in the seventh stage of grieving and how you can get

stuck in one stage. Um. And your story is so powerful and you sound like such an amazing influence for for women and men and everyone out there. Um. So I'm I want to say thank you for sharing your story because it is a powerful one. And now you're diving into the relationship aspects of things, and I want to ask you what does a healthy relationship look for you? Yeah, you know it's been that in itself is kind of pendourney over the years, um and kind of deconstructing everything

that I was taught. And um, my parents are still together,

they love each other, do they have the healthiest relationship? Hell? Now, Um, you know my dad is I love him, but he's overly reactive and my mom does her own thing, and and so you take all these examples around you, and then you take all the knowledge that constantly thrown at you, or people say that it's knowledge um from media and from all the movies and everyone else that considers that I'm a dating and that, and then all of a sudden you have to go, well, shoot, that doesn't really

this is life. So yeah. And so then suddenly over the years and I do I think some of it just kind of comes with age and failing a million times until you go, oh, like, this is what a healthy relationship is. And I don't think that you know

what it is until you're in it. I think you brought up a really good point as you as you grow up and you see your parents interact, and you see people like in Disney movies and all these romantic stories that end up in a really happy ending, and but you don't see what actually happens behind closed stores, and we emulate someone else's love story as we grew up. At least I know I did. I hope really talked

about my parents divorce and how hard it was. I was a team when they got divorced, and I did there a therapy session last night with my therapist, and we went through like why I have some sort of trust issues and how it dates back to over ten years ago of something that happened so significant that I guess I try to brush over and think, you know, I was over it, but mm hmm there was parts of it that I still needed to work on. Um So, and I love that this book is not only for

single people. It's for basically anyone that wants to fall in love and wants to find that connection. Well, Sabrina, yet you guys talked about emulating uh movies, TV shows. A lot of people accused The Bachelor of being a part of that, of showcasing a love that isn't really possible in teaching uh people, you know, give an example of what love should be, but giving a bad example. I think a lot of people talk about The Bachelor like that because Sabrini talked about false truth. Well, I'm

not saying that's that's what it is or not. I'm just saying what people have said because you say the lack of dating education, is that what you mean by that? Like what people see some ways? I think that we can define that in a lot of different you know, going to the bathtor I listen, if you're in the spotlight and there's something someone could see a false in what you're doing, whether it's a show or a person

or whatever. Um, people latched onto that was like, oh, this is the reason, Like you're you're to blame, and the reality is, you know, if you take I haven't been on the bathrooor. I have actually a funny story where like I actually was asked to like audition at the end kind of thing. But it was two years ago, and yeah, you know it's it was like last minute I was. It was the end of August. They had me drive up to l A. My friend who's a comedi in l A knew one of the producers, and

they like looked me over. They were really interested, and they looked at me as I was leaving, they got we gotta stay. You're kind of abreast of fresh air because I kept seeing all these ridiculous these women coming in that were so different for me. You know, it was like I was definitely over the hill kind of in bachelor years. Um. And it's just you know, they said to me at the end, they were like, we just try to fit. They basically try to fit a puzzle.

So everything, every person is a character and it just didn't work out for whatever reason. But UM, interesting experience. But you know, if you remove the TV, you know, or the cameras, I know that a lot of people go on the show just because they want the same or whatever. They have ulterior motives. But the reality is that people fall in love like that all the time, like very quick. They don't really get to know each other at the beginning, you know. And and so you

can't really blame the Bachelor. I think that it really stems from you know, years and years and years of building this up as you want that spark in that fast romance and you know, it's like the go to Vegas and get a like Elope kind of fantasy. Um, it's not just the Bestler thing. Like Bastler didn't create that ideal of um immediate love. It just you know, kind of perpetuated that. But UM, I think it's possible. I just think it's more rare than it is you

know reality. So how do we better educate everybody on dating? UM? I really think it comes down to I think one of my biggest things when it comes to dating is it's kind of about kindness. And in realizing that it's enough, it's like it's a human being that you're interacting with, and so when you no longer I've always have said to people like, I'm not so concerned with how someone is when I'm dating him. I'm concerned how he treats me after. And that tells me so much more about

the person. When you're hurt and or if I've hurt your ego or if you hurt me, like how we treat one another as human beings and so as kids, if we can really treat each other, how like to teach these children how to I sound like such like a preacher, if we teach kids better about listen, this is what this is what emphasy is, and this is

how you actually communicate with another human being. And when you're not interested, you know, this is really what you should say to them, not just ghost them or being mean to them or put them down or humiliate them. And it and I think that once you kind of it becomes a domino effect where people actually start being just nicer to one another and not seeing it as something like a personal attack. It's just, hey, we just didn't work out, and and you know, and and I

don't know. I mean, there there's a lot of difference. So yeah, but when we talk about breakups though, like ego always gets in the way, right, because it's a huge factor. And I think once you allow yourself to really see, Okay, well, obviously, if this person doesn't want to be with me and there's a reason why we're not working out, then why am I trying to fight for it? And then you start to rationalize like, Okay,

it makes sense that we're not together. But I think initially, at least for me, I admit it my egos like what for sure that I NA see this coming? Yeah, But again, some of that is like doing the work on yourself as like to say, is that sounds and and having more experiences as an adult where you learn to kind of separate. Okay, is this is this just my ego? Or is this actually like what's like what's reality here? And and why am I hurt? Or why do I think this person is the right person for me? Um?

I mean you know, I mean the amount of times that I like hit myself over the head where I was just so set on wanting to be with the particular man and he didn't want me and I'm sitting there going, no, You're just wrong, Like maybe not even to him, just to my friends, going he's wrong, you know. I just he's going to realize how cool I am. Yeah, Like how does he not realize him? No matter? Stupid, We're all stupid. Sabrina is a terrible data the title

where'd that come from? Are you the terrible data? Um? I think that people? Yeah, so yes, UM, I don't necessarily. I was just on a did a little TV thing in Detroit this morning and they introduced the book as a self proclaimed terrible data and I gotta be kicked out of that. Um. I was actually sitting on my couch working with one of my interns and worth throwing and she had just read it like a few days before, and worth throwing aways that I could not come up

with what do I title this? So a few months ago, and all of a sudden she like, throw a gen of that and I was like, well, what about terrible dator? And we both looked each other, We're like yes. And a lot of people would say I had a conversation after the fact, was my best friend, who's of course heard all my dating you know, disasters and give me advice over the years, and I for her and and I was like, well, maybe the title doesn't really work, Like I'm not that bad. And she looked at she

was like, Sabrina, you are terrible. But but Sabrina, what makes you terrible at dating? Because I don't follow the rules. Um, I just say things that I don't I think that most people just they don't say or and I don't think. I think in some ways that makes me a good data, but it just doesn't. Ever, that's not that's not the norm. The guy, it's not the norm. Yes, Um, I break social norms a lot when I'm dating and it kind

of catches people off guard. Well, keep breaking those social norms, keep breaking them, and then a guy will come around. A guy will smart. No, I mean I have a boy for right now and he's yeah, no. I mean. So you're not a terrible data, I know, but there's a lot of situations where I guess what I was supposed to do. Well, we really appreciate you coming in, Sabrina. Thank you so much for joining us. Um So your book A Terrible Data can be found? Where can it

be found? Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Allmason we're getting into some of the bookstores. But if you just go, if you go to my site Sabrina must dot com, there's links to order directly from the site or to go to Amazons on Kindle's paperback. Um, kind of all the normal spots. So yeah, these parties too, right, I mean I do. So we're I'm in Michigan right now, Detroit Suburbs. We're throwing one on Thursday, which should be super fun. It's in Birmingham, Michigan if anyone lives there, Um at

Dick o'dow's. And then next next Thursday on they in San Diego, we're doing it at I Fly, which is like the indoor sky diving. Um, who I have fine I divers in the two is to be super fun. That would be great. Maybe you could just throw two people in at sky diving at the same time and see if it actually a really good idea. Be a great test that now, well, Sabrina, thank you so much

again for joining us. You're awesome guys. You can go check out more of what Sabrina is up to by checking out her website Sabrina uh Sabrina must dot com. That's where her lifestyle blog is. It's where you can get her book. We appreciate it. Thank you so much, guys, Thank you Sabrina. She was very sweet. I like her a lot. I like her reasoning of how people can get better at dating is simply bye, just being kind to one another. It's this, It's just the most subtle

and obvious thing, but it really is true. Necessarily kind I think my take on it is um obviously kindness, but just being transparent and not hiding at least that's what I look for in a relationship at the beginning. I I talk about this all the time, where people feel like they're on just it's an audition and auditioning process and they were trying to be a version of themselves that they're not, or a part of themselves that's only like maybe ten but that's the ten percent that

the person they're dating is absolutely in love with. And then they try to prolong this part of them that's not really fully them, and then you only get to know that a year or two years down the line. That's what happened with the next of mine, who for two years and a half said that he wanted kids. Well, I think that's what happens everybody, a lot of people. That's why a lot of people, including ourselves, say that you have to know someone for at least a year

before even thinking about getting engaged. I don't even know. I mean people, I don't know, Mark, what do you think about that? Eastern I'm a fan of the longer engagement relationship before engagement because I don't see any downside to it. There's plenty of downside of rushing into something. There's no downside of dating somebody for three or four years before you get engaged, unless that biological clock is ticking. I wouldn't know. I'm not thinking biological clock. I'm just

thinking people will always have not always. I take that back, but I people changed throughout the years, and if they're not fully working on what's happening internally with themselves, then they will always be that same person. If you marry them three months, in four years, in five decades in you'll find out what's really happening within them once they're ready to Unleasha. Well, that's the tough part about relationships.

Vanessa even mentioned it. People, especially on the first day or the first couple of days, and only show the best version of themselves and then as you get more comfortable with each other, your truer self starts coming out more and more. But on top of that, I feel like people evolve, people change, Like Mark, are you the same guy that you were when you first got married? Definitely not, because I do think it's a women's job to train their man, so you just get ripped into shape.

I'm a much better person than I watched that's the correct wife. But has have you? Has your wife changed as a personally? I think so? Yeah. I think motherhood changes a person pretty dramatically. So does that change your love at all? Because that's what always been on my mind is that I feel like I'm a different man now than I was when I was twenty five, and I'm assuming I'll be a different man when I'm thirty five than I am now. Having said that, does that

mean my relationship with Ashley will be different? Will my love for her be different? It's just an interesting concept that I haven't experienced yet. I think because you've changed, you've changed in a way to accept different women in your life. So maybe if you were twenty four years old, you probably wouldn't have dated someone like Ashley, But now that you are more mature, and you know you've experienced more in your life, you were ready to date a

woman like Ashley. Yes, I agree, but I guess I'm projecting into the future and questioning what kind will it change? How will I change? And I think Mark, you can answer you well, what I have found after twenty two years with my wife is that, um, you both changed, but you changed together. It's like an evolutionary process as a couple. But I also find that when my wife and I get away from the kids and have time to travel just the two of us, it's amazing how

quickly we are kids again. How quickly you know I was, you know, when we were in twenties and dating. That's what it feels like. The second we get away from our kids, we go we went to Toronto a year or two ago, we went to London. When we get time to ourselves, it's amazing how quickly it comes back, How quickly revert to those two kids that were just young and in love and dating. And that's you do well.

I mean, it's a long story, but we were our parents are living Wisconsin's we're leaving the kids in Wisconsin. We wanted to get away. We didn't want to go too far away. You're not going to go to Italy, right, But Toronto is a whole other country. It's like, you know, there's an exoticness to that. But anyway, that was the whole idea. But that's what I love how quickly it comes back. That's really adorable. I think you'll find the same one day. I hope so. Because kids do take

over every part of your life. That's what everybody keeps telling us that they want us to have kids. But please wait, because as soon as you have kids, your entire life is different. So we're excited. We're also very nervous because I'm afraid that I'll just never sleep again. We don't all have the same hair, so why should we use all the same shampoo and conditioners. Function of Beauty brings you shampoos and conditioners that are customized and

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at function of beauty dot com. And we have another very special guest that has joined us in studio, the very larger than Life, the life coach himself, Mike Bear. Am I saying Mike Bear Bear? Yeah, I am such a huge fan of yours when I found out you were coming on UM because I've seen you on Dr Phil. I know you've worked with like j Lo who's like my ultimate hero and idol um and so I'm super

excited about this. UM. You have an amazing backstory which I know a little bit about UM, and I guess can you give us a little bit of a history as to how you became who you are today because it's such a powerful story and your journey is so incredible and touching. Oh thanks, thanks for having me too and talking to you from Afar only about you know three Yeah, Well, I mean I think we all we all have stories and uh kind of where we end up today. So a little bit about mine. As I

grew up in Orange County, California. I grew up an athlete, went to a high school called Modern Day, which is a big athletic school. Monarch, Yes, the Monarchs. What sports did you play? Basketball? Yeah? I couldn't. Um, I had to work. I would say I did a lot of pump fakes. I wasn't so much you know, dunking on people, but um, hey whatever whatever you And so I went as a walk on the Fordham. I was already partying

in high school. But by that time I went out to New York, I got heavily addicted to drugs and even more so, um, which I was just talking to someone earlier day. It's just interesting since marijuana has been legal, the amount of people we see who come in with marijuana proms as opposed to before. It's just kind of interesting. But yeah, yeah, it's jumped up a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I know a lot of people don't want to believe it,

but I mean it makes sense. I I see more people in terms of addiction, Yeah, in terms of more people losing themselves and being depressed or anxious or paranoid. Like I mean a lot of people who started smoking two to three years ago, so they're they're they're in their thirties. Where is before when it wasn't legal used to see young adults or people have been doing it for twenty plus years. So anyways, I mean, long story short. I was addicted to meth um and I eventually went

through treatment a few times. The last time I went through this final program, and when I got sober almost seventeen years ago, I started working as a counselor. That evolved. I started doing interventions. I started getting flown around the world really to help people who are in crisis and didn't want to get well. And then I opened up a treatment center in West Hollywood called cast Centers. And yeah, just my career has evolved a lot. And uh so

I work with all different types of people. And I'm on doctor Phil every week. That that's pretty awesome. Yeah, it's he's my coach, So he's my mentor. I'm with him every week. And how did that come about? Well, I had a charity. I threw these like um on music tours. It was called cast On tour, so I

threw these personal development free events. So I would have like, you know, the Mayor of Boston speak in Boston, and um Iggy Azalea would speak in Brooklyn or you know, we would try to get influencers to make it cool. And he his team reached out to speak in l A And we kind of had a moment where I met him and I don't know, he's like a unicorn to me. You know, they don't come around a lot, but you know when you have chemistry with someone and you just kind of are like, like we're going to

be best friends. Yeah, Like, I don't even think until I met him. I even looked up to a lot of people m hm in my career, Like I just with him. He's he's brilliant to me. And um, so he asked me if I want to jump on the show, and I said yeah, let's yeah. Yeah. Of course, if Dr Phil asked you to be on his show, you say yes, yes, always say yes, always yeah. And he's he's a great He's been my mentor now. So he

got me to write the book. He wrote the foreword to Best Self, and um it's been a New York Times bestseller for congratulations on that or out last you know, six weeks. So it's just been that's amazing, It's been awesome. So the title of the book is best self You only better you got it. So in regards to dating, UM, what I find and what I'll do with a lot of couples is we create what's called their best self in the relationship or when they're dating, and we create

what's called their anti self. So the best self is like who you authentically are when your feelings aren't heard, um, when you're you know, authentically you, and you create a character because I always say, our parents give us our names, but I like to kind of be in fantasy a little bit about who who are we at a deeper level. And then our anti self is that part of us that comes out, whether it be in dating or relationships. So I had people draw it, um describe it, and

to own it. And I find that's a really good way for people to work on their ego, you know, instead of calling someone insecure on a date or because I know you guys give a lot of dating advice are helping a lot of people. I find that sometimes it's helpful for someone to just tap into who they truly are and not worry so much about even the

other person liking them or not. What do you think of ego in what's context, in the context of whether it's good or bad or because you just said something that kind of You said that you have people draw there their better selflf best self, and they're anti self, like they're anti self. But then you said they draw their anti self to help control their ego. Well, when and when I talk about ego, I'm talking about ego, not Freudian ego. It's more like fear um, anything that

keeps us feeling not truly ourselves. Because I think for me ego, I've always questioned myself and why I get so defensive certain towards certain Would that be your anti self or anti self? Yeah, so if you got I would, because like I get defensive sometimes it's you know, even on dumb stuffs, but it'll just trigger me and then I'll get defensive, and then ten minutes later I'll think to myself, why did I get so mad about that

in the moment? Oh God, alright, So we're getting deep, not deep, But I since being engaged, I haven't been working out as much. I don't feel as confident in myself anymore, right as of right now, you put on a couple of pounds loss little definition. And Ashley was kind of joking and she said that like, oh, I have a pouch, and I got it's so mad and the kangaroos are cute. Maybe she was calling you a kangaroo. Well,

it wasn't. It was just a joking thing that it was like a lighthearted moment that I just took the wrong way. And I got defensive because my ego got the best of me, because I was like, I'm not you know, I I don't have that. I don't put that much weight on well and so, but ten minutes later I was able to control myself and realize why the hell was I mad at that? She was joking. It was a lighthearted moment that I completely took the

wrong way. Right. That's an example, small one, but in an example, Yeah, I mean I think that may not cause uh a lot of tension in your relationship. It's a very small one that it literally just came to mind. Yeah, And and normally it's it's a continual pattern, like it's where you could constantly feel insecure or not feeling enough right, And I like to create those voices and really give

them a name. And that's what I call the anti self, which I found is helped people out tremendously if you actually, if you do the exercise, it really helped. So I'm gonna give this name the pouch. I don't know if this is your anti self, I mean, think about to me, it's more. Um, well, that was a very surface level of why you know a deeper one, Vanessa, I don't

know if you have one off the top of your head. Well, I mean, I guess it's something that you already come into the relationship feeling insecure about and if someone highlights that, then you're going to feel defensive about it. And I think, Mike, I wanted to ask you. You know, childhood years are such a critical stage in our lives, um and we we look up to our parents and that's basically how we end up learning how to talk and act. We

just imitate. And so at what point, I guess, at what point can we undo some of that wiring that we did in our brains that make us who we are today. But we want to also better that part that we're not proud of. I guess our Yeah. I mean there's some parts of us were really happy that our parents provided for us even could be genetically and other areas were like, oh my gosh, that sucks to

grow up there. Yeah, like and it really started to program me and then that you know, I'm actually um going out to an elementary school in a week to do kind of these exercises with the kids because to your point, this isn't taught in schools, And so we end up as we mature and get to the point where we're like, oh, I really need to change something about myself because this is getting in the way or um. But people do change. I mean I've seen so many

people change, but it takes work. I mean you're the perfect example of that. I have changed a lot. You know, I always think we're all work in progress, though, you know, it's it's just um uh the I maybe had darker thoughts towards myself than other people had. Um, but I think that um, knowing and owning those parts of ourselves that are keeping us from having a healthier relationship is

really important. So would you say it's kind of practice makes perfect because when you talk about writing your anti self out and just gribing what those things are and trying to be aware of what they are. So when they have I'm assuming so when they happen, you're aware that it's happening in the moment. Yeah, we could try

it if you want. So this is exercise No, but we could do that to any of Okay, well, so this is what we'll do, and anyone listening can do this, and that way you don't have to buy the book, but you will get more out of it. But you should still buy the book. But the book is like a workbook, so you'll mark it all up. But what you want to start off first, what you want to do? And I just did this, Like I just did this last week. And this isn't me name dropping. I just

think it's really cool. I got Joe and Sophie to do it. Oh that's Joe Jonas, Yes, and Sophie turn I'm up to date on my pop culture. Yeah. So we call it the Best Self Challenge and the Challenges which I'm trying to make it a cool thing, kind of like what I was doing with the previous events I was doing. I'm always into, like, how do we make it cool to work on yourself? You have to. I know, otherwise it's awful because you have to work on yourself and it's boring. You're just like, oh my god,

I don't want to do this, junk. I don't know what we can say on air here, junk is. So let's first, I think what we first want to do is identify. So you get a piece of paper and a pen out, and you start writing down characteristics that best describe who you authentically are. So, um, so what that means is you know, just grabbing a penny here? Good? Yeah, what does that mean authentically? Because I guess the best

version of yourself? I think, well, I think when you think of, um, if you're listening to this right now, you should be doing the same thing. Just fun, grab a pen and a piece of paper, you got it, and so uh it would be like, you know, descriptions of yourself like, um, I'm extremely thoughtful, I like to make people feel comfortable. I have a good sense of humor. We're describing our better self. Yeah, like you're which I call true self. So when I when I think the

best self, I always think of that's who you truly are. Um, And so you just kind of write down it could be in story for him, it could be descriptions. Let not take too long, Vanessa, My list is long. I know. I know for myself. When I'm running, uh so, I have a bunch of employees, and when I'm not being my best self, I'm agitated, like and I remind myself I tap back into it. I'm like, okay, my I

get it now. So you want to remember what your best what the best version of yourself is, and tap back into that in order to get out of your anti self. Right, because the best version, if you tap into your best version, even you'd be able to communicate to your partner or what's upsetting you, were bothering you instead of just going into a place of being hurt, you could explain it in a clear way. So you wrote, so what you want to do work? Okay? Now you

want to draw it? Oh, I'm drawing. Okay, Now you're drawing your best self? Okay, alright, definitely not a rose. You're drawing a rose? No, I said, it's definitely not a rose. Are you sure? I feel like that your best self in that's okay? Like I'm not being creative enough, Mark, don't look at my illustrations. Mark are you doing it too. I wasn't doing it, no, but maybe I should when I was overseeing. That's good. He was co facilitate. That's what I was doing. Okay, I think I'm done drying

all right. Now, you want to name it, and it could be anything. It could be anything that feels authentic to you. So for me, my best self is a wizard named Merlin who's been around hundreds of years. So for me, because my emotions can go all over the place, so I always like to tap back into Merlin. Merlin, what would I name this? So my you name your true self? My my true self is named love Man. No log story behind that one. I feel like it's

a player on the Eagles or something. No. Unfortunately, I was my limo exit. I opened my shirt to reveal an l on The Bachelor. I don't know if you're familiar with the show at all, but you have to exit out of a limo of night one, and some people have a little gimmick thing because you introduce yourself to the Bachelor the bachelorette. Some people do something gimmicky. Some people just introduce themselves. Some people have something planned, and so I had I'm a diehard Superman fan so awesome.

They had a shirt made for me with the S symbalom, but instead of the S, they put an L in there for love Man. So I was introducing myself to shut up, Vanessa. I was introducing myself to There was two bachelorettes on my season for night one as love Man to there to like rid all of the evil men on night one, and I was not feeling No, I was not feeling it. I wanted to get it over as quickly as possible, and thank god it was breezed over and everyone forgot about You're embarrassed it was

it was. It was embarrassing because it was I really just wanted to meet the girls. And then obviously, you know, you talk to some people and you come up with ideas of things that you could potentially do, potentially feel comfortable with doing, and and uh and so I was like, Okay, I can do this. I have figured out a way where I can phrase it and do it in a way that's not super creepy, and that's what we did.

But in the moment, obviously I'm just sweating bullets because I think that these women are literally going to make me turn around and get back in the car and drive off, never to be seen again. Because it's I thought it might be the dumbest thing ever. It's worked out. It worked out fine, It worked out all right. I gotta still draw here, so alright, alright then, oh man, my this is just okay. Well I'm ready to let's see your illustrations. Vanessa. Oh okay, you didn't draw you.

I did, but it's very it's very simple, Okay. I see mama, okay, with a son and a heart. A son a heart. Yeah, Because I feel like so if I if I look at what's authentically me, I guess my qualities. I should say I could put it that way. I am someone who's outgoing and compassionate. I'm very patient. I like to have open communication and honesty with people. I love to form connections, whether that's romantic connections or through friendships. And I like I feel like I'm I'm

lighthearted sometimes and I like to make people laugh. So that's my authentically me. And I put a heart and a son because I just love to feel any form of goodness around me. So that could be happiness, that could be laughter, and that's nice weather as the sun now the sun is mostly for being around people that just brighten me and brightened my day. And um, they don't dim my light. No dimming of Vanessa's light, no

dimming and my no dimming of Mama's lighting. Nobody DIDs Mama is like, that's my alter ego name Mama, because I want to be a mama. And I just feel like it's you know, I feel like, okay, it's pretty good. So was that the only one you had? Just that's the only name nickname I gave? Oh well I didn't, all right, so my I gotta think of a nickname my traits, I put your own name? Mean, yeah, you don't feel like that's creative enough. That's not creative enough,

like Jay Jay, Hey, hey J, just reverse it? Hey J. All right, I'll go with hey j. H. My last name is haven uh so hey J's true self outgoing, social, caring and loving. And I drew pictures of outgoing of me with friends at a bar because I feel like I'm at my best self when I am out of my shell. I feel that there are a lot of times I like to stay in. I like to stay

uh in my little comfort zone. And I find that I am my best self when I'm willing, uh not only to go out with my friends, but also more of a metaphorical explanation of willing to do things that are outside my comfort zone. Uh, same things social like going on the Bachelor, like uh, expressing to Ashley that I've over the past years, I might have really fed up and done some done stuff and I regret a lot of it. And if you're willing to forgive me, I'll do everything I can to make it up to you.

Things like that. Willing to swallow my pride, so to speak. That's something that's uh that I don't usually do. Uh. Social, same thing. I find that when I'm by myself, I'm in my own head way too much, and there's just a lot of bad thoughts, paranoid thoughts. There are times, um, it's just you know, just yeah, this is perfect. So because we'll segue interient myself with whatever that is. Okay, Okay, So you got is ready to go deep? Said, are

we ready to go deep? Mama? My second therapy session? Great, So this next part for your anti self, You're gonna be as honest as possible. Is that part of you that is getting in the way of you feeling more free or that you know is that part. It could be that time that you think like, oh my god, why do I keep saying that? Or it could be the messaging that you tell yourself, or it could be feeling paranoid when you're alone, or it's kind of really

understanding what are those thoughts and feelings. And you're gonna do the same thing where you're going to create a character. And usually a lot of people have a lot of anti selves. And the interesting thing is I've done this with people and they've taken an honest look, is their anti self just starts to reduce because because now there's there's an understanding of it, whereas before we're just saying paranoid and it's not playful, it's not fun. It actually

makes you feel bad. All right, So let's do this, So we're writing our anti self, Yes, the part of you that's getting in the way of feeling free. I feel like this one is harder because you don't want to admit to yourself that what actually bothers you. This one is easy, peasy. You can you can just say and some people have multiple anti selves. You can think of a moment that you find you behave with family. It could be in relationships, it could be on dates,

it could be. Um, it's a pattern for you. And then we have to draw our anti self and then give ourselves that a name as well. I wonder if we're gonna be able to say this word on air. We're about to find out you just said the F word with no concern whatsoever. Hold on, here's the thing. If I drop an F bomb, I know that you are aware to be bleep it out right. This one is kind of in between. I think it's fine, but I think it's fine. All right, great, Yeah, if I

say an afford, I know you hear it. That's why I even really make sure that I say it, so you know it. Okay, all right, we're drawing. Now, we're drawing it, Vanessa. How are you doing over there? Um? It sounds good doing well. So I'll give you some examples. I give you some examples if you want to people what they've created, like like I have. If that's helpful, I'll show you what I created. You're going to be oh, wait, come on, I don't know where I am. That's right

over to the right. There we go. Okay, so your anti self is impatient, has trust issues O c D and controlling. Do you see them? Do you see the picture? Yeah, it's um looks say a mushroom someone barfing you a lot? Is that? Like? Did you not watch my first day with Nick? I'm were you guys were on that? You were on a spinning So I think I drew okay?

So yeah, impatient. Authentically me, I'm very patient, But there are instances where either it's in my my dating life and my work life where I get super impatient and I'm like, how can this version of me come out? When I'm a special education teacher, I am so calm around my students and I'm patient with them. Why am I impatient with myself and with my partner trust issues? Um? Um hm, So I had a breakthrough yesterday. I am one of the only one that cries on this podcast yesterday.

UM in my therapy session where UM, I knew I had trust issues when I enter relationships and I didn't understand why. Um. And it wasn't within me or it's not because I didn't feel like I wasn't worthy. It came from um parts of my parents divorce. UM. That just made sense. While I was in therapy yesterday, so that really helped me understand why, and then it made me realize what I do get into those moods, understand

where it's coming from. And am I am I able to distinguish whether or not it's my trust issues and my anti se off coming out or is it actually something that's happening in the relationship that is going on that's making me not trust them? Um O c d um. I don't like using that word so lightly because I know people do suffer from O C d UM. I feel like I have anxiety when it comes to leaving the house and I'm like, oh, budget did I shut

my oven off? Is my hair straighten or off? And I have to literally drive back home, open my door and check if all the knobs are off off off, And I have to like mentally say it. I have to voice it out loud and say off off. Often have to touch like the outlets to see if anything is plugged in there. Um. So that's like super stressful

and that's time consuming too. And then the controlling factor of wanting to make sure that things are done a certain way, whether that's with work mostly my work life. I don't like to delegate. And that's why I don't have an assistant. I don't have anyone helping me with my foundation or my personal brand or anything. Um So that's super stressful. And that's why I put the barf the barf image, because I just it gives me so much anxiety that I feel nauseous and I hate throwing up.

It's one of my biggest fears. So I don't well, I guess it's my biggest fears, like my anti self coming out. I don't have a name yet. Okay. So she's she's controlling, she holds her emotions in. She loses control even with checking door knobs and light switches and um. And she's trying to be in control, but she's kind of out of control, right okay. And can we give her like a kind of a name. You know, you could always rename her, you know, it doesn't have to

be perfect. I mean it could be Parfolia, yeah, Barfola. I enjoy that. Okay. So that's when portfolio comes out, right, Okay. See, So so for example, you see her laughing when she says it now when she was talking about before, she was crying. And what happens is when people for a lot of people. If you can't add some humor to it a little bit, Ultimately people start to beat themselves up and they go, I'm not enough, I'm crazy, I'm I'm not good, I'm not doing it right, I'm I

mess this up. I shouldn't have said that, you know. And and when you start giving yourself those messages, there's no freedom in it, right and there's and so that's why I like to create the anti self exercise because it just starts to kind of own that part of you that you can hopefully remove. What'd you come up with? So my thank yeah, thank you for sharing my anti self is titled suck bag. Uh the person can't mind,

I'll allow it. I think that one was good. This anti self, a k A. Suck bag is he's afraid of consequences before he even decides to take action. He's afraid to express how he truly feels, even to the people that he holds closest to his heart. And I drew for the afraid of consequences before he takes action. I drew a little guy who's in the fetal position. And then for the afraid to express how he truly feels, I drew a guy in his bed by himself, with

no friends and afraid to leave his room. Oh, just a little guy. Mm hmm. So yeah, that's yeah, m that's suck bag, captain, suck bag. Maybe no SAgs. We're doing this really quickly too, Like you know, if we really were to dig into it, we'd look at like

that specific area of your life where it keeps coming up. Um. Well, I think it's taken hold of my life for the past god eight years or so ever since uh um, probably in my early twenties, when I was in a relationship with someone for a very long time that ended, uh And then I was trying to do my own thing, unsure about where I was going, but very uh you know, stayed in my little comfort zone, stayed at home, worked

at a job that I was bartending for years. I knew I could have done better than that, but just never really tried. Uh. And even since then, like Bachelor, I think, I look, it was difficult for me to watch Bachelor back because I could tell that there was maybe a piece of me detached. Not because I didn't care, but because I knew that if I didn't put my full effort in, I could always make the excuse of

if I wanted to, I could have um. And same thing with my fiance Ashley Now was somebody that we were friends for a very long time who I was always resisting. Uh I was very unwilling to just jump in. And another example of kind of like afraid of the consequences because if I keep her at arms length, she can never know maybe I'm not the guy she thinks I am. She held me in such high regard that it's just easier just to be held in that high regard and not be concerned about actually living up to

those expectations. Uh So that's kind of and it's it's happened in my career as well. Still trying to find myself and figure those things out because if I don't fully invest myself into something that I can always you know, pretend to myself that, well, you know, I could have if I wanted to. When actuality, I'm I'm afraid of failure. So that's kind of my suckbag Captain sunbag kind of

like captain Captain suckbag. Yeah, captain suckbag sounds good and barfolo captain bag and barfolo we should just renamed the podcast helped by a suck Dating with Dean Barfola and Captain suck Bag. So, Mike, at what point in our journey can we learn how to connect with our best self or how can we remind ourselves? I think how we structure our day and align our lives. So if I were to ask you guys, you know, like when

do you align with your best self? You could probably give me examples of moments or places or experiences and when you do that. So, um, I always say, you know, how do you greet the day? You know, don't let the day greet you? How do you start the day? Um? You know, for me, it's right I do this still, or I try to do it as much as possible as I write out grad touth list just when I'm putting the pen to the paper. Who doesn't everyone feels

better when they write grad touth list. And it's it's not that I invented this, clearly people have been doing it for years. But that's how we start the day. And then at the end of the day you kind of review the day and figure out like what went wow, what didn't go well? And so to me, it's knowing yourself what's gonna harness you being your best self. For some people, they're in the wrong job. No matter what they do, they're not going to be their best selves.

For other people, it's um you know, when they're alone and the thoughts that they have with themselves. So I mean, in terms of like the approach, everyone's a bit different. I also think it it's hard work. I don't want people to oversee that. I think a lot of people imagine they'll do an exercise like this, they'll do it once and they'll have a breakthrough and then thinks I'm good. And I think people don't realize that you need to do this repeatedly. Yeah, I call I call it the

three a's. It's staying authentic, taking action, and its accountability. And the last part is the one people neglect the most, which is accountability. You know, for people who are in a relationship today, that's wonderful in terms of accountability. You know, for people who aren't in a relationship, they can have friends pull them accountable, right, But do you feel like sometimes people enter relationships so they can be held accountable

and they use their partner as their guide. Well, I think it depends on who who it is, and what I mean, relationships are complicated. You know. Hopefully you uh can be in a relationship where you're both trying to help each other evolve and be transparent and have forgiveness in it, you know. But for for some people, I mean sure, they choose relationships because they're trying to fix a part of themselves, and that's never really going to work.

It's not easy. It's certainly not black and white. There's a lot of gray in there, and it's interesting. The reason I bring up the you know, doing this repeatedly is because I I know who Captain suck Bag is, you know, the guy. I've known him for quite some time. It's not so much that I don't I'm not aware of it. It's more so how do I stop that? And I think it it all, you know, it is taking action for myself and holding myself accountable, Like what

brings out your best self? My fiance. Uh, it's gonna sound I would obviously, I would say it's gonna sound very cliche. Playing sports, Um yeah, it's just you know, being in a competitive environment really brings out the best side of myself. I'm I'm more fun, I'm more energetic, um, doing the things of course, you know, going to see movies, watching movies, talking about movies. Uh, just the things that I enjoy doing. Uh, definitely brings out the better side

of myself, just like anybody. Can you rewire your brain in what way we wire us? Mike? So can you? Um things that have happened, like traumas that happened to us in our young childhood life, Um, that have had such an impact on how we are today and how we react to things today. Are we able to rewire the way we kind of see the world or the way that we want to react to things? Yeah, I mean I think are I'm not by any means. This isn't something I've been in research around, but it's a

very popular thing right now. Is neuroscience and create new neuropathways in your brain. So you're trying to get your brain to create new ways of thinking and feeling. You have to take certain actions, right, and so I think in terms of like there's little T traumas and there's big TE traumas. Right, there's the big TE traumas where people are like they were held hostage and you know, or they were there's sexual abuse. But little T traumas like neglect or families are very shame or seeing what

went on with mom and dad. Um, that can start to shift someone's perception of the world and life. And I think, UM, people change, people change the way they think. It's Um, I've seen so many people change, even people that like. I just saw someone in New York recently who um was homeless at the time I met him. His parents had hired me to help him, and he was homeless, ah and doing some things on the street in order to live on the street. Had contracted a

lot of things as well. And UM, and I told him if he ever got to your sober, I'd give him a job. I never thought he was going to get a your sober. He would never be someone I would ever hire ever. Right, So I was like, and I tell everyone that who I've like helped through the years because I want to create some like I believe in you, so you could have a job story they can look and I yeah, and I and to know

there's something to work towards because reward systems work. Right. Well, uh, he now is like sober over ten years, super successful, killer career, married, like healthy relationship. So I mean, I know sometimes for ourselves. We can sometimes think we're like trapped in our own thoughts. We we think like our own worst enemies sometimes at anti self can come out and just take over, usually in today's world, today's world, especially media. So I mean I think to answer your question,

people change absolutely. I mean I work with people that you would think would never ever, ever ever ever change, and they do. And then you meet other people that you think, oh, they're really motivated, they're going to get this, They're ready to make some changes. You know. It's it's interesting like I'll work with some women who have been We'll go back to a very unhealthy relationship over and

over and over again. And then there's other women I meet who have a burst of awareness and they suddenly stopped going back to n healthy relationships. You know. So I think everyone's uniquely different and that's why, Um, you know I I I just for me, I'm passionate these days about like how do I get this to somehow being incorporated? Just you know, in the book, we have hundreds of exercises. This just was two fun exercises that I think are easy and playful. But um, really it's

in our culture. You have parents who say the school should teach, you know, kids emotional regulation, limiting beliefs thoughts about themselves. And then you have the school saying mom

and dad, raise your kids right. And so then you have this culture of kids that then grow up and hopefully they can regulate themselves enough, right, because we're taught that history is more important than self awareness, and so we end up later in life and it's not until we hit crashing moments in our lives that suddenly we go need to do something about it. And then we start to work on ourselves and then we're like, Okay,

it's gone, and then a crash comes again. And so, um, I look at it like going to the gym, you know, But I just think we have to really convince and train ourselves to believe it's just like going to the gym, of course. And I love that you mentioned that. Sorry, I'm still I'm such a big advocate for mental health and I think there has been like a huge movement and destigmatizing mental health illnesses. And I always openly talk

about going to therapy. I've done couples therapy. Um, and the boyfriend that I had that i'm with now is very open to those things too, And I think it's important to highlight that. A. Yes, people do change, but you can't. You can't change a person no. Um. And I've been in those relationships where I'm like, oh, I'm gonna he's gonna want kids, and I'm gonna convince him

that he's gonna want my babies, and that didn't work out. Um, So I think it's important to highlight that and remember that, Yes, we all come with the story, and you don't see that in cartoons. You don't see that growing up in movies people have like these perfect lives and that's what we imagine is going to happen in relationships at least that yeah, like all great things, but it is a fairy tale, ultra romantic, um, you know, experience. And so if you think, by the way, that's so much more

entertaining than seeing people awkwardly trying to date. Oh totally, Like it's entertaining when there's like big emotions and I love him and I love her and out of the way, yeah, big steaks. So that, Vanessa, you bring up an interesting topic for a different podcast, which is people can change, but can you change people? Because that's the interesting because all the whole thing was people can change. But then

Vanessa just said, but you can't change people. And it's interesting and I think that's an interesting dialogue to have at some point. But we are out of time right now, unfortunately, I know. But Mike, that was in the studio right now. Now, Well, we'll ship your book out to you. Uh, Mike, thank you so much for coming out, so much for having me. You guys can go get a copy of Best Self be You Only Better? Is it Amazon Everywhere Books. It

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a better deal than that. That's rath The's dot com r O t h y s dot com promo code dan d e a N. Get this deal while it lasts. I'm telling you you're gonna love it. I just realized we never asked Vanessa how her Valentine's Day went. So, Vanessa, what happened? You're in a new relationship, first time Valentine's Day with your new Valentine. I'm a firm believer in not celebrating Valentine's Day, so when I first met him, I told him, you know, I appreciate if you do

like to celebrate commercialized day of days or whatever. What are they called commercialized holidays? There we go, it's not even a holiday because we don't get a day off anyway. Does Canada and I have the word holiday? Yeah, we do. I just couldn't think of it right now. Um, and we we didn't celebrate. I did an interview in the morning and we spend time together at night. Um. We wrote each other. Actually, he wrote me a really beautiful message. Um,

like a lengthy, well written, well thought out message. And that was the most beautiful if I've ever received a Valentine's Day. That was my Valentine's Day. Um. Well, Vanessa, I want to ask about this commercialized holiday anti Vanessa Grimaldi, I wouldn't say feeling mood. Well, my question is are you the type of person that's not going to tell you he's going to tell your kids about Santa Claus? Oh? I absolutely will tell my kids about that. You're gonna

have you know Santa Claus lives up in the North Pole. Okay, good, because there are some people out there that I disagree with who say that they don't lie to their kids at a young age, and I couldn't disagree with them more. And I was just hoping you were one of those people. And I'm like, no, I'm not. I just think love should be celebrated every day and not just on the fourteenth of February. I think it just should be celebrated on the fourteenth of February. Really, one day year, that's

more than enough. Guys, I'm actually does not agree with that. But wouldn't he shouldn't He wouldn't. He wouldn't have been delighted if he had stepped up into something kind of spectacular. Maybe, Like I thought he was going to show up during my live interview in the morning on TV, and I'm like, oh my god, if he's in the back right now waiting with roses, I'm going to flip out. But it was just a rose sent by this company. Would you have been happy if he got you red roses or

have it is? But he could have really done a good job if he said, hey, listen, I know you've accepted a couple of these, but you've never accepted a rose like it. I like you. I think what you're doing, Vanessa is actually a very smart thing, and you're setting the bar low, and you will never be disappointed as long as the bar is on the ground, and whatever he does to clear that bar, you're going to be delighted by. Yeah, that's that's a good precedent for relationships.

Set the bar really low. So whatever the hell the other person does, they always exceed them. That's smart. And also, Vanessa, what is this I'm hearing about somebody calling you fat on Instagram? Did that actually happened? It actually happened. It didn't bother me whatsoever because I'm actually trying to gain weight. So I was like, oh, yeah, she noticed that I gained an extra three pounds. Um, I just high have I? Have you gained three pounds? You? First of all, you've

never notice, but I don't. I don't own a scale, so I have no idea if I actually gained weight. But I go according to my clothes. If my clothes feel a little bit tighter than I know that I did. Um.

And so I decided to screenshot that comment. I didn't tag the person, but I didn't hide her name on Instagram in my story, and I did write reply to that comment on my page, and I posted on my story and I just highlighted the power of words and how body shaming is just it's become a thing of like it's it's as if it's okay to do it

on social media. People will never really do that, or at least I hope they don't do it in person, but I feel like they can um abuse their voice on social media and not realize how hurtful some of those comments can be. It didn't necessarily hurt me. It just hurt me that people are keep a bowl of calling someone fat and and I mean fat, skinny, whatever it is, it's insulting and body shaming. And I opened

up about this in my story. I was body shamed for having smaller boobs and and you know, I talked about having cellulite on my butt and having dark under circles and all these things that I've never really fixed because I'm like, this is the way God made me, and I'm gonna love my body regardless. And I spoke

about this before. Just being able to be free in your own place, in your house, walk around naked, go in front of the mirror, dance around, see things that jiggle or don't jiggle, but love the parts that jiggle, and love the parts that don't and that's what I've learned to do. Two questions. What picture was this? Commented under good question. Um, it's the second picture where I'm sitting on the couch with my legs crossed. And then she went on and said, well, stop, everyone should stop

at mentioning me because fat is fat. It's just the fact. And I'm like, oh, I see it. Oh God. There's sixty five replies people, and I got a lot of messages from younger women saying how they're having struggles with accepting their their body. Um, and it was enlightening and very touching for them. Uh that I was able to express them of mind securities and how I've learned to accept some of those imperfections that have become my favorite

perfections on my body. Um. I think, yeah, I totally agree with what you were saying about Instagram and people getting way too comfortable writing whatever they feel in that moment.

There is I've told this story before, but there was a girl that I want on a date with years ago, um that we ended up becoming somewhat friends afterwards it never worked out, and she watched the show and she was following Rachel Rachel Lindsay and when Rachel picked Brian over Peter, Rachel posted a picture of her and Brian announcing their relationship. And this girl on Instagram that I knew in person was very sweet in person, seemed very normal, commented, saying,

good luck with your shitty husband. This is somebody that I knew personally. Because a lot of these people that comment on Instagram, I rational rationalize it by saying they need help. You know, they're not the normal people. But this person I knew was normal. So I ended up talking to them about it. I d M then said, what why did you write that? She said, I was so mad. I've already deleted it. No idea why I posted that. I feel like an idiot. And I've realized

that people with Instagram everything is instant gratification. So if you're mad, the last thing you should be doing is going on social media because you'll post or tweet something that you don't mean. And that's what these people do. It's it's it's crazy. But I to UM and anyone that's listening to this that may feel like they can become a little sensitive to comments on social media or in person. UM, I just know that I was the person coming off the show. I would cry myself to

sleep numerous nights, and I was really sad. And some of the comments were really mean and hurtful. Mind you, they were a handful of them, and there were thousands of amazing, beautiful comments and super supportive fans and and followers. Um, but that one negative comment can hit you like a ton of bricks and you just overshadows all the positive ones. So just know that. UM. You know I I went through it. Um, But I've also learned to accept who I am in order to not have someone else shame

me for things that I've already accepted about myself. Is it bad to say that I fat? Shame myself? I look at and I think to myself. Sometimes you go to the him, what are you doing? Go work out, eat healthier because I want to. I want to look better. I want to have more definition as because I want to. It's it's a confidence thing. The better I look, the better I feel. Okay, So it's internally makes you feel Yeah, I think it helps my energy level. I think I

feel more confident in my skin. It makes me. It just makes me feel better, that's all. Yeah. And then THO, those natural endorphents and it makes you feel good. So yeah, increases everything. Hey, we have some emails If you guys wouldn't mind people taking your advice, We don't mind. This is our favorite part of two people in healthy loving relationships. I know we're just going to give great advice. Obvious Robin has a question for you, she says. I met

my friend with benefits a few years back. Throughout the years of hooking up, I've begun to develop feelings for him. At one point I asked what his thoughts were undating in general. He said he's looking for jobs in different areas, maybe even out of state, and didn't know if you wanted to start a relationship in case he had to move. But last night I went to his place. We didn't have sex because he was out of condoms, but there

was a lot of touching toys and kissing. After all that, it was his idea to cuddle and asked me to stay the night. This was a first for us. I can't help but think he showed more emotion than he has in the passed, which only reignited my feelings for him that have been trying to suppress. Help I suck at friends with benefits and bathing the toys were. It was a little nugget. I don't think any of us

were expecting I wasn't expecting that. But I do want to say, good job for using protection and for not having sex because you didn't have condoms. Um. I want to say, I've been in relationships before where I was super mad at the guy for breaking up with me because he just wasn't in the place to be in a relationship, And now looking back, I'm like, I feel so thankful and have so much more respect for these men that were able to be honest about where they

were in their life. Um. So I think you have to take that into account and also don't romanticize parts of the relationship. If he's showing you affection, um, you know, we all kind of need a little bit of t l C in our day. And maybe he feels really maybe he feels a connection with you and he's allowing himself to be vulnerable around you and to showcase that side of him. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't take it for anything else. I would take it for grain of salt.

I don't know if Jared, if you agree with me, you should definitely take this with a grain of salt. I think he is looking for a little t LC as you said, and they were hanging out. I mean, I don't see this guy as a potential future partner. What are your thoughts, Mark, I think you've got to take him at his word. I think with all people, you've got to just listen to what they're telling you, because his actions are his actions. Guys are leading in

different ways and have different urges and different emotions. But he was telling you I'm not interested in the relationship. He's not interested in the relationship. Yeah, exactly as many as you think he's giving you, And with with any woman out there that's going through a similar situation as this one. If you're going over to his place and stay in the night and he's telling you openly that he doesn't want a relationship, that's on you. You know it's on you, but just be aware of it. To

be aware of it exactly. I don't mean it that. I don't mean it that way at all. I don't mean it's it's on you as in, like, as long as you're okay being friends with benefits, you should go do it. If you have feelings that you're suppressing as Robin is right now, then I'm sorry. He's being honest and saying I don't want a relationship. Do you want

to come over? And she's like, sure, you know so, Robin, if you are suppressing feelings, I think the best thing for you to do is admit that to him, and if he still says he doesn't want a relationship, then

back off. Unless you're finally being friends with benefits. It sounds like she's not, so I would admit it to him and say like, these are my choices I admitted to and either we move forward and see if we can have an exclusive relationship, or I'm admitting it to you and you tell me you can't be in a relationship and I'm out, Like you, you have the right in the power to decide what you want out of this. Don't give him ultimately that power. And apparently they've been

hooking up for years. That's that's really tough. I would absolutely be honest and if it doesn't, if he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, then at least you know and you can move on with your life instead of always being uneasy around him. This is from anonymous. I've been dating a girl that I've been best friends with for the past ten years, so we actually made the transition from

best friends into relationships. Being her best friend for so long, I know some of the scandalous dating things she has done in the past, but she wants to prove to me that she's changed. Well. Recently, I noticed a guy named Tim has been liking almost all of her photos on social media. I confronted her about him, and he said, and she said, I don't pay it tend to do who likes my post? I've never heard of the guy. I finally said, why would you accept requests from random

guys while dating me? And why have you liked posts of his, especially personal posts about moving into a new house if you have no idea who he is? She said, no, I randomly liked things in my news feed, so what. I had no idea her relation to him. But the fact that she switched her story about him and said more than once she's never heard of him makes me kind of upset because I think she's lying to my face and my wrong. Is this no big deal? Is she just a flecting blame to me to hide her guilt. Hi,

I'm a red flag the power of social media. I feel like, if your intuition is kicking in and telling you something is up, then something is probably up. I wonder how long they've been dating. They've been best friends for the past, but have they been dating for ten years? And the scandals things she's done in the past, I think implies that she has may be messed around on

previous boyfriends. I mean, you can't hold that over her head either, Like, Okay, we've all have a pass, we all are we've all done things that we're not proud of, unless unless history appears to be repeated that you got to have your guard up. No, I agree with you,

but I mean we don't have all the details. I don't know what scandalous things he's talking about, but if it's something that raises a red flag, like he's she's liking a picture on Instagram, then if that's what she does and then like enters a form of relationship with these people behind other people's backs, then yeah, I would totally do do my FBI research and find out who Tim is. Tim Tim and her flirting, like can we just call it what it is? Right? Very obvious? And

this girl your your your girlfriend? Anonymous, Tim and your girlfriend are flirting with each other? Are you If you're not okay with that, it's time to have a conversation or maybe move on. But she's also trying the gas lighting thing, what you're crazy? Yeah, that's not a good response to that. You know, it's a horrible response anytime you get super defensive and then try to um, what's the distract? What they're what the argument was? By making a new one, it's always bad in my opinion. Yeah,

I agree, But here's the question. Here's the question, how does he what does he do? What is this Anonymous d moving forward? Do you stalk Tim? Or do you just keep because it sounds like if he keeps going up to his girlfriend, she's going to continue to say the same thing, You're crazy, It's nothing, it's no, I don't know. This person slipped twice on it and I liked it. What can I tell you? So that? I feel like that's just gonna keep repeating itself. So the

question for me is what does anonymous do? Does he try to cyberstalk this Tim guy? Because I don't think that's the answer either. Unless the only thing I can think of is if this Anonymous reaches out to Tim. Well, I think Anonymous reaches out to Tim, He's probably gonna find out things he doesn't like, because when we start looking for things, we're going to find things we're not happy about. Yeah, but wouldn't you rather know? Um? I think?

I mean, I don't know. It's also listen, if if I was if I were Anonymous, and I know, like the trust issues that I have in the insecurities I have about some certain things, I wouldn't date someone like her because I wouldn't want insecurities to come up in my relationship. Of course, they've been best friends for ten years though, and I don't know how long they've been dating, but I'm assuming it's probably half of that if we're

just giving a number to it. This is a toughie for me because I don't know exactly what Anonymous should do, because I don't think reaching out to this Tim guy is a good answer either. There's major trust issues here. Maybe he should suggest going to therapy with his girlfriend, see which how she reacts to that deflecting blame is that's that's a big red flag as to Hey, I might be doing what you're thinking. So I'm just going

to deflect unto you, So wait, are you against? This opens up a whole other topic of conversation, going into reading emails or having each other's passwords on on social media. Is that a good idea or a bad idea? Because if they did, then he'd be able to see if they are. I mean, I'm not saying, hey, let's you know, have them exchange um passwords on social media, but you think that's a good idea and relationship so that there's like, oh, there's just openness and nothing to hide. Yeah, I mean,

Ashley has my cell phone password. She could go in there anytime she wants. I wonder if they have that openness in their relationship. Probably not, m I mean, I know, That's why I'm bringing it up. These are all things to like for Anonymous to think of. Does she go to the bathroom with her phone? Is she always is her phone always attached to her just like things to

to pay attention and to pick up on. She might not be hiding anything at all, and it just might be the insecurities of the stuff that you know has happened in her past. So what's the final verdict for Anonymous? Here are what are we thinking talk to her. Um, yeah, I mean that's the only option. But if she keeps putting up walls, I don't know that you can hang around. Yeah.

I agree, because if it's just harmless flirting, she needs to come clean on that, and it's more than that, or if she wants to be more than that, then we got a real problem. Vanessa, does the silver Fox have your phone password? Oh? Yeah, we have each other's passwords. That's How would you feel about that? If not saying hypothetically in a different relationship, you're with a guy who is harmlessly flirting with another girl and no, no, no, no no, no, no,

no admitted oh and admitted it. It was like you caught him. It was like, who is this person? Like, I'm so sorry. I was just she was liking some of my stuff. I ended up following her. It was dominant, stupid. We've never talked before. We just liked an liked pictures like that ends up becoming if you're not caught in the act, it could become something much greater than just

harmless flirting. So I'm no, But is it a deal breaker or could you nip it in the bud and call it a mistake and we can move on from that. I think it would be hard for me to trust fully. Um, but that's just me because I'm that's me. No, you're fair. Fair statement. That will do it. Once again, everybody, thank you so much for joining us on a new episode of Help I Suck at Dating. Please join the Facebook

group that's Help I Suck a Dating Podcast. You can follow us on Instagram yet again at Help I Suck at Dating. Please keep sending your emails. We love them. They are our favorite part of the podcast. Also, please rate and review us on iTunes. We're always looking for more feedback. Obviously a five star is always welcome, but we really want authentic feedback. Please let us know how we're doing, where we can get better. Um. Thank you so much to all our guests coming into studio today.

Thank you so much to Sabrina must Do. You can check out her new book called a Terrible Data. Thank you so much for Mike Bear Coach Mike Big Mike, Thank you so much for coming in. You can get his book anywhere with books are sold. It's called Best Self, Be You Only Better? Hey, Mark? Who else do we need to thank this week? Well, we need to thank stamp dot com. Just go to stamp dot com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and

type in Dean, Function of Beauty, thank you. Use code Dean to check out your first order at function of beauty dot com. And how about rawth These. Go to roth these dot com and at your Dean to get your amazing shoes and free shipping. Vanessa any final words from Montreal? Uh No, I think this is such a great episode. I learned a lot um and I hope

everyone listening learned a lot too. And hopefully next week you can tune in to another episode of Help I Suck at Dating and well hopefully Dean will suck a little bit less. Follow Help by Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast