Advice from an OG with Trista Sutter

gonna be weird for a while to hear that title. Look, because I'm so used to being like, help by suck at dating, and now it's like, Hey, help we suck at being newlyweds? So you got to figure out the cadence a little bit. I thought you did a great job. You kidding me? So what the hell is going on with team? Um? I am pretty exhausted. I just got back from a Super Bowl waste management weekend in Phoenix and I was supposed to fly out to Denver today and I canceled my flight. I was like, I just

I can't do it. I can't make it happen. But um, super fun weekend and now I'm back home with a little al So what's going on is Dean? Like, is he on the boat to Antarctica right now? Yeah, I've only talked to him. He texts me once every day like he I think he gets service like once a day at eight am. So I've talked to him. We've exchanged like two text messages. But he said yesterday he stepped foot on Antartica for the first time. He's already there. Yeah,

a long time to get there. Um, he's there for two weeks, I think, But I don't know if that includes the three days on the ship. In three days back to USA. Does in for just give you like so much anxiety the man you're about to marry, Like these are the things you're just gonna have to deal with for the rest of your life. He just keeps life interesting. You know, I'll always be on my toes. It'll it'll always be fun. It will always be fun.

I know. It is a very fun lof style. I was thinking about it earlier because I was just answering emails and I was like, I gotta, I gotta go outside. I just need soun or fresh air or do something so different. He will give he will keep you on your toes. But like, I think about it my own relationship, because if I didn't, if I did these things, like Ashley doesn't want me go into the grocery store by myself,

you know what I mean. She's so worried that the idea of being like the idea or like if I have to drive thirty minutes, She's like, Oh, just be careful, make sure you pay attention on the road, keep your hands on the wheel at all times, don't look at your phone. If I told her, I was like, Hey, I'm going on a three days ship where I'm probably not gonna be able to talk to you, and we're going to Antarctica and it's gonna be pretty rough and scary.

And then I'll be an Antarctica for two weeks in the WiFi, probably in and out, and then I'll be back on the ship for three more days. She's like, eating, No, you're not You're not doing this voluntarily. This is not your life. When you explain it like that, I'm like, yeah, it sounds pretty nuts. Is your family that they ever like is Dean? Is Dean gonna be doing these things for like the rest of time? Um My, so we're

super close to my grandparents. They live right next to us, and they just love him so much and love like all the adventures, especially because they were like in the FBI and they did all this cool stuff in life. So I think they just admire it about him and they like what he brings out in me. Your grandparents were in the FBI? Yeah, is that how they met? Yeah? My grandpa was her boss. Actually, Oh, that's got to be illegal. I know, well, definitely now, I don't know

about back then. Probably. Actually, Wow, that's so cool. Can they even admit that they were in the FBI? Re breaking news right now? No? No, they can otherwise Yeah, I'd be screwed. But it's like they're in My grandma was in headlines and stuff. She was actually in the James Comee documentary or not documentary, the show. So someone was dear to fight my grandma. That's so freaking cool. Holy hell, Yeah, they're they're like the coolest people ever.

Oh wow, I want to meet your grandparents and just get stories from the FBI. Did they uh, did they ever meet like Jay Gruber? Honestly? Probably? I feel like they like know everyone. That's so cool. Holy crapt Wow, your grandparents say that they love what Dean brings out of you. What does he bring out of you? Just an adventurous side and a care free side just because of like the way that he is, and he goes to Antarctica. I just have to like let loose a

little bit and not be so uptight. So it's just it's a good balance between the two of us. Yeah, I need. I need your grandparents talk to Ashley. She doesn't even want us to. She doesn't want him to go on like a golf trip, you know what I mean. She just gets so worried, which is so sweet that she cares so much. And I love it. And of course, like I get nervous too. Anytime she's on a plane or anything. I'm like, okay, like, you know, just be safe,

be careful, especially if she's traveling to Dawson. Like she was thinking about going to see your grandma. Yesterday. We were in the car and then out of nowhere, she's like, I think I might drive to Jersey this weekend. And I was like what, and she's like, yeah, I might take Dawson. I just want to see my grandmother. I'm like, okay, and then I was like, man, I don't know, because I'm supposed to work this weekend. And I was like,

I don't know. If I like the idea of you and Dawson in a car for like four hours, that's scary to me. So I don't know. So it's similar to you and Ashley. You're both a little Yeah, we're just worri wars. It's terrible. It's not a good way to live. I'll tell you. We do have a great, great episode. We have a very special guest, you know her, for being the first bachelorette ever, I'd probably argue the most famous bachelorette maybe her or Caitlin. I'd say bristows

up there, but man, everybody knows Trista. Everybody knows Trista. Um. But we have a wonderful guest. It is, of course Trista Sutter. So we're super excited. But before we get to her, let's take a quick break. Welcome back to help we suck at being newlyweds. I'm working on it here. We have a very special guest, you know her, she's the first bachelor wrette Trista. I said, you probably the most famous bachelorette i'd say you are Caitlin Bristow because

everybody knows who you are, including our audience. It is Trista Sutter. Ladies and gentlemen, y, what's your maiden name? Rensto? That was me, that was Do you ever miss it? I don't actually, um, yeah, I don't even really think about it unless, like it came up from my fiftieth birthday a friend of mine, Uh was getting She got me this like pickle ball bag that had my monogram

on it, and she was like, what's your monogram? And I was like, actually, I don't even know, um, but I usually, like legally just put my middle name down um. And I had to think about my maiden name for once. I'd never think of it. I don't know. It's just because I'm now Trista sut Her and happened for twenty years. That's so crazy. My sister Uh is married and has a daughter, so it is my first niece. And I'm like, oh,

you know, she's just a little haben. And then my brother in law was like, she's a Leary and I'm like, oh my god, that's right, Oh my god, that's right. That's so weird. I just and then like in years it was with Ashley because she technically her her name

is still I can Eddie. She hasn't changed it, but like you know, she goes by Ashley I can Eddie Haben, and I wonder if she's ever gonna just go like, oh, I'll just be Ashley Habn and then hopefully we're still around, like thirty years or now, if she looks back and be like, oh my god, like I was Ashley I can Eddie one's and now I've been Ashley Haven for thirty years. It's just weird, you're right, yeah, I mean I was n for thirty of my years and twenty

has been Setter, So it is weird. It's funny that you're asking me this because I was watching a video of my kids when they were little. I was just going through videos, kind of trying to get rid of some um because you know how many photos and videos are on the phone and then it stops working anyway. So, um, there's this video of my kids and I was asking them, you know, their names. Blakesley was like too, and like what's your name? Like, tell me your full name, what's

your brother's name? And Max said Maxwell all Aston Cutter or he said Maxwell Allston Holton, which is a friend of ours, And I'm like, no, You're actually gonna be Maxwell Alston Cutter your whole life. But Blakesley is going to be somebody else. And I'm like, that's so weird. Like why it's so weird, I don't know. It was probably the dumbest reason why the first person did it. It was probably there was no there's no purpose of

doing it. It just did it, and then all of a sudden it caught on and people are like, yeah, no, this is the way life is meant to be. It's like, this is so weird. I don't get it. What are you doing, Kitlin? Are you keeping your maiden name? No, definitely not. I am getting rid of it soon. Um, we're changing our last names to Bell. That's Dean's mom's maiden name. Oh yes, right yeah. And then I think I'm gonna take my Miller and then make that my

middle name. So Caylin Miller Bell. That's so I love that. That is very nice. That's like you should be in movies. Now. That's a lead actress name. That's so true. It's coming this February. Ashton Kutcher Kaylin Miller Bell in The love Birds. I think that could really work, and I do want to play a game though, because I'm curious. You said, like, how many videos and photos? I'm oh, you do know? Okay, so I've been trying to delete so many before you say it. Out of the three of us, who do

you guys think has the most? I mean me, Yeah, you're the one who has all these kids. You're a new dad, and if you don't have a million photos, like I'm gonna I'm totally betting you, or I mean, I guess you. Then you probably use your phone to upload your like your videos too. I know you take a lot of pictures and videos, but you also use like you're heavy duty camera. So I bet, I bet.

I'm betting you because if you're at the point where you're deleting photos and videos because your phone is my phone is working, I mean not well, but it's working. So my money's on Trista unfortunately. Can I think you're gonna come in third place? I hope I do. That would be so embarrassing if that's I have no kids, all right, I mean you have Dean. He's pretty much a child, all right, So my number right now, if I just go over recent I am at. I don't

know if this is good or bad. Twenty six thousand, nine hundred and seventy three Wow, ten thousand, two d and thirty something? How many thousand working? Obviously? Wow? Wait you don't. I wish Ashley was here. Ashley, I'm pretty sure has more than fifty thousand. She would blow us all away, yes, agreed. Like anytime we need to go get a new phone or computer, it's like she starts saying words with amount of storage because like I know, like gigabytes and all this, and she's like, I don't

know what is it? Terrabytes? Yeah, she needs like so much terra bytes. And I'm like, and then we bought a computer because she needs to download so because her phone is not working either. Oh my god, who just said they have that? Is crazy? Eastern No, Easton, can you hop on here for a second, buddy, Easton Easton Easton, our wonderful producer and backbone of this podcast, just message us saying he has ninety one thousand? Easton? Why nine one thousand? I was just as surprised as you worried

to see that I have that many? Um and most of them are just pictures of Eminem's that I say from the internet. So I got to and delete these things. That's amazing with like all the pictures kids too, Like I missed the days of going photo albums, like you go over your grandparents house and then you go through photo albums. So, Trista, you have been married for is it twenty years in December? Yeah? Whole your twenty anniversary? Do you guys have anything like is there anything specific

you want to do for it? I have been contemplating trying to get a plan in place to do avow renewal. I haven't done anything about it yet, but at ten years we did about renewal here in Beaver Creek and the show filmed it UM. I can't remember whose season it was back then, but I think they aired it during whoever season it was on UM. So I'm contemplating, Like we got married in Palm Springs, we did our about renewal in Beaver Creek, and I'm thinking maybe we

need a beach this time. So I don't know, trying to think about things that we could do for My kids really love to travel, as do we, and any excuse, so seriously, no plans yet, but maybe soon that will be so sweet. What is the secrets? So we've got two newlyweds almost newlywed? Yes, what is the secret for

a long happy marriage? Oh? Goodness? Um? And well, first of all, I have to say, I feel like I co hosted this podcast with Molly Mesnick when you guys couldn't do it Jared right, Um, And I love that it was help. I second dating back then, and I and you guys changed it, were evolving, were ever changing, you know. I love it. I think it's awesome. Um. So, I that's a big question. But I think that all the things that you have heard through the years that

anyone has heard really stand true. You know, communication, talking to each other is key. Um. I think that forgiveness is also a huge one. And it's not like forgiveness in terms of huge indiscretions or big drama. You know, it can be like like today, for example, my husband had asked me to go have coffee with a friend of his who has a company that he wanted to tell us about, and I saw it on the schedule totally forgot that I had he had booked it for both of us. I thought it was just for him.

When I looked at the schedule, and when Hannah reached out and asked if I could be on the podcast, I said, sure, I can. I'm in whatever, And he's actually having coffee with his friend right now. So I feel like he's gonna need to forgive me for today,

you know, for double booking. Um. So it can be little, you know, little things like that, but I think it's constant forgiveness for I don't know, saying something hurtful or double booking for something important to the other person, um, along with you know, bigger things, but forgiveness I think

is one of them. Um. Really just trying to have fun in life, Like you're doing life together and and life gets busy, especially when you have kids, it gets really busy, and I end up being like the logistical manager and driving everywhere and trying to keep the house in order, and then he's off at work, you know, doing his thing, and it's just hard to stay connected

and focused and having fun. So I think making sure that you're still making time for fun together, whether it's a family or as a couple, um, date nights, to just prioritizing your relationship, I think is is extremely extreme. Really important, and I think that's probably a big reason why after the show we were successful, because we prioritize

our relationship above everything else. You know, it's a whirlwind when you finish the show, and there's a lot of opportunity and really fun things, but I think making sure that you are prioritizing each other and um, you know, the other's priorities and their values and their wants and needs is really important. I think one of the issues Ashley and I have is that it's so easy just to get into this mundane routine because you talk about having fun and really setting time aside to ensure that

we're doing things. But I think especially you know, with with having Dawson this year and opening a business and her being a r island, there's just been a lot of um just stress, you know, So you get into the routine of like this is what it is, and every day is kind of feeling the same a little bit. And so it's tough as well because we want to priority we prioritize our relationship and us being as parents, but there's also an individuality that we need to prioritize

as well. Not prioritize, but like there's time because we got I talked about in the podcast a couple of times. We're like, um, I remember last year we got into a little bit of fight because I was like, I just want to grab a beut with my friends because we're watching a movie where like this guy goes back to his hometown, goes to like his local dive bar, hangs out with his boys, like he hasn't seen him. Like,

oh man, I would love to do that. And then she was like, well, you need to make sure it's on a day that I'm not with Dawson all day because I don't want to be home alone. And then I was like never mind, like I don't even want to do it anymore. And then it's just like she's like no, like I want you to do it. I'm like, yeah, I want you to be with your friends and like figure, you know, I want you to have you know, go

and like get I don't know whatever. She you know, she likes to go like just get manicure manicure with her friends, like her sister or something like that. So it's it's tough. It's tough to like find the time to do that, and I think it I want to ask you like, what advice do you have for people who I know? It's it's so easy to say, like you have to set time, like for yourself or for you as a couple, because we not to go. We

spend so much time together. It's weird that we spend so much time together and yet it's like, well, we have to spend more time together because it's like we're not married, you know, we're just like we're we are married, but we're not dating. Yeah, and you need to still date. Yeah. I think I think it's just doing it, you know, like whether it's um, scheduling in advance, being spontaneous, whatever works for your relationship. I think that it's just a

matter of doing it. So if fun to you is going out and having beers with your friends, I think you do it and you figure out something for Ashley to do. Like when in a relationship, you know there are times when you know one person is going to be super stressed out and one person is going to feel calm. You have to meet in the middle. You know, you switch roles constantly of who's stressed, who's calm, who

needs something, who is fine? You know, like all of those things need to be in balance, and I think it's just a matter of making sure that you do it. So um And And I don't know if Ashley likes surprises. I don't know if Dean likes surprises. I feel like surprises are always good. Like Ryan, we don't normally like celebrate UM holidays on the holiday, so like Valentine's yesterday, UM, I wasn't thinking that we would actually do anything. I

hadn't planned anything. I just thought, you know, we'd get each other cards, you know, flowers were part of the program whatever. And he was like, he texted me and said, will you be my Valentine? Um, I have dinner reservations at six thirty, and you know that was I love surprises. I love getting a text from my husband out of you know, the blue twenty years of marriage almost and you know, still having him asked me out on a date.

So I think just any way that you can, um, you can make time for each other and do things that are fun even though you are together a lot, doing something like I feel like Ashley just posted something that you guys were I feel like you just went

on it. Okay, yeah, yeah, on her story so cute, And that's exactly what I feel like I'm talking about, you know, just making time to do something out of the box that you don't normally do during the day, getting a babysitter for Dawson, and making time for whatever makes you guys happy. It's important. I love that. Also, we were talking about this last week. I wonder what you're opinion on it. On it is, do you think

that the spark goes away? Because I have couples who think both ways, like, yes, the spark dies and it's just a different relationship, and no, just the better you get to know someone, the more you like are sexually attracted to them, you know. I think it depends on on the people. I think that, yes, life gets in the way, honestly, um of a lot of intimacy and moments that you did not have or that you did

have before. It just changes. But I think it's up to you, again as a couple, to make sure that you are staying in tune with who your partner is and what they need and what they want, because individually you're changing, you know, Individually you change what you're excited about and what you're into, you know, So I think just making sure that you're in tune with each other's needs and desires and um, and evolving with your relationship is is really important. Um, And it's just up to

you to keep the spark alive. What do you think, Well, we talked a little bit about this last week. I think I think this spark just gets stronger, but in a different way. Yeah, like it's not like the first second date type of spark. But I was going to ask you that too, Um, how you dealt with that adapting? Because Diana and I started dating when I was fairly young,

and we both have changed and adapted. Did you find that was hard when I mean it's been twenty years, so I can only imagine how much you've changed in those twenty years. Oh yeah, I mean I think it's hard.

But it's also like if you're with the person that you love the most in the world and your best friends and you respect each other, and then it isn't that hard, you know, do you just you just go with the flow and you're I'm grateful to be married to Ryan, you know, and and because of that, and because I appreciate who he is, and I think he would say the same thing that it's not it's not hard,

you know. Compared to other hard things in life, I feel like it's relatively easy because you're with the person that you love and you're going to do anything to continue your relationship. You know, when I went ice skating, now that I thought about it on Saturday, I was thinking in the moment, how ice skating for me would be a terrible first date because I did not fall. Ashley and I had this bet because I was like, actually,

you're going down, and she's like, I'm not falling. I'm not going to fall, and I said, any time I've gone ice skating, I've fallen. I did not fall, to my surprise, but I was thinking about what I must have looked like on skates, with the entire time on there just trying not to fall, and then I saw other people like skating together and like kind of like going slow, and then like it's just like I must have looked so unattractive because the times were like you

almost fallen. You're like it's like, oh God, like, there's no way any I think that, knowing how much Ashley loves you, that you're thinking that you look awful, but she thinks it's super cute, you know what I mean? Of course, now, it's a great day, you know. But if we were on a first day and Ashley saw me on skate, you might be like, I'm oh, I don't know about this one. Never mind, Why was I so obsessed with this guy? This is kind of quite not the scene I was going to look for. Um. Yeah,

it evolves, it changes, I know, it really does. Do you have any words of wisdom for anybody out there who is just beginning a relationship and looking for ways to navigate for the long haul? Actually, I I'm so glad you brought it up, because I want to scream it from the rooftops I heard. I saw this post on upworthy um a couple of weeks ago, and it actually after on the twenty years of marriage, I said, oh my gosh, I wish that I had known this

sooner or and I need to implement it now. Essentially, it said that it was this man or woman talking about their relationship and in as a couple, what they do is they ask each other do you want comfort or solutions? And I feel like and the guy or girl said that will save us a fight nine out of ten times, because there are so many times when you know, I'll tell Ryan something that's bothering me, and he'll try to fix it. He'll try to, well, maybe maybe you know this person is da da da da,

maybe we can change it some whatever. He'll try to fix it, and I'm like, I don't need fixing. I just need you to hear me and give me a hug and say it's gonna be okay or whatever, you know. And sometimes I'm like I wanted to be fixed because I'm on the phone with the customer service age and

they're not doing what they need to do, you know. So, um, I think just asking each other when you're heated, when each person is heated, what you need in that moment, and then respect what they need and try your best to give them what they need. And truly it will save so much, um, so much time and and so much so many problems. I feel like in your relationship if you can just clearly communicate that, it's amazing. I feel like I could definitely use that right, I know.

I mean I literally screenshot at it because I'm like I need to remember that. Yeah, that makes perfect sense because there's so many times where I'm like venting to Ashley and like you said, try to fix it, and I'm like, not like I know what I need to do to fix the issue, it's just I need to vent about it because it makes me so angry. But it's like I know, like I I know what I

have to do. I'm just venting. And then so many times, yeah, I agree, we'll save a fight because I just get annoyed when she's like giving me her opinion on things

and I'm like, no, no no, no, I know. But then other times where I'm asking you for things or if I do need an opinion, I think she hesitates because she knows that sometimes you know, and it's it's the same thing where she's like venting to me and I'm like, ash just let's do this and do that, and she's like, I like, do you not think that I already know that. I'm just I need to get it off my chest. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, never mind, forget I

said anything. So yeah, I think that's great before. So now I'm gonna tell Ashley be like, listen, before we talk about things, do you want my opinion or do you just want to be heard? That's right, that's great idea. I love that. Not not my idea, but I'm happy to share it. We'll just pretend I was Trista Sutter's idea. Everybody give credit to her out there in the world listening to this podcast. Trista, you're awesome. Please tell Clark

Kent slash Superman. I say hello. I'll never forget when I first met you, guys at Tanner and Jay's wedding. I saw Ryan. I'm like, this guy is Clark Kent because he's wearing glasses. Yeah, he is. That is That's what I call him. Sometimes he's Clark. He is Clark, and that is awesome. God, that's so cool it I do love it. I know Ashley is a big fan of Clark and Superman too, so not mine, but Clark and super the real one. Oh yeah, I wear a

flannel just to try. I like to wear a flannel with jeans and timber and like brown boots so I can feel like Clark on the farm. That's my go to look right there. Trista, thank you so much for joining us on podcast. You are amazing and please come back soon. Thanking me bye, guys. Well that was great. Trista is awesome. It's crazy to me. Like again, everybody knows Tristan. Everybody knows Trista's name, Like everybody that comes in, it's like, oh yeah, Trista, like the first Like either

they started watching when Trista was the Bachelorette. They've heard of Trista again. I think, is she the most famous lead in Bachelor's history? And numbers alone? I think if you're just looking at numbers, definitely did she get married on TV? I should ask that. Yes, it's in the undown. They got paid a million dollars to get married on TV. I think they had like twenty million people watching that wedding too, that's insane. Her her season was twenty six

million viewers. Oh wait, yes, that was their wedding. That's insane. Oh yeah, right here. God, I really should read the rundown before espuing nonsense. The Lodge luxury resort in Rancho, California. It drew over twenty six million viewers for a three hour episode called Trista and Ryan's Wedding. Wow, we crazy? I mean getting now like five million viewers the Bachelor. Yeah more than that? Less than that? Oh god, I know, but that's okay, that's okay, that's three million. Okay, A

big thank you for just a sutter. She is amazing for coming on the podcast, Klin, thank you so much for being the new co host of this podcast. You're awesome and Dean stay safe in Antarctica. I'm sure you'll listen to this when you get back, and uh we look forward to that, so we'll we'll have the same send off because we still suck. Help we suck at being newlyweds, so make sure you guys tune in next week. We're hopefully we sucked us a little bit less. Thanks

for listening. Follow us on Instagram at help we Suck at Being Newlyweds, and email us at Newlyweds at I heart radio dot com. Make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. We'll see you next time.