#9 Deeper into Dating

is the intimate physical component of it. So today in studio I have Kim Anami, who is a holistic sex and relationship expert who we're gonna have a few questions for. Of course. UM, we're gonna take some listener emails and listener questions, and we are going to kind of catch up with me, I guess and see where I'm at in my life. Nine episodes into this dating podcast. But first and foremost, Kim, how are you awesome? Thank you very much, it's wonderful here. Thank you for being here.

Also we have Tanya of course in Eastern in the studio. Thank you. Um, okay, Kim. So, as we've kind of alluded to already before taping and all that kind of stuff. Sex kind of makes me uncomfortable. Just talking about it makes me a little uncomfortable. Talking about it makes you uncomfortable? What about doing it? Well, I mean we're all we're

all human beings at the end of the day. I mean, it's not I don't think I'm uncomfortable doing it, but it's just it's just a little, uh, it's a little it's a sensitive topic for me, not necessarily for any other reason than it's just, I don't know, makes me uncomfortable talk about So do you mean in a room full of people that you only know a little bit or with your actual sexual partner? Um, I would say both.

I would say I could be dating someone for a while and I would still have Hesitancy's talking about it right, because I would say that's a very important piece of sexual intimacy is, yes, being able to be open and free physically, but to be verbal not only in bed

but outside of bed. So in bed, to be able to communicate to your partner what you want, what feels good to already's talk with them, to really open up your whole being, and then outside of the bedroom to talk about like in a more neutral environment, say, like there's things that you want that aren't happening and vice versa. That when you're out of that charged environment of the bed, then you can have a deeper conversation about how you

can both reach higher levels of intimacy and ecstasy. Okay, Well, so obviously compatibility is a huge part of that, and I think that you become more compatible as you begin to discuss those types of things, right, Yes, And I think that it depends how open you really let yourself be in bed. Like people say, if you're having a lot of casual sex, you're probably compartmentalizing, like you're trying

to keep your emotions separate from the sexual encounter. The more fully open and vulnerable you are, so you're emotionally present, you're spiritually present, you're physically present, then you're gonna have a lot more powerful, deeper sex with that person. And I guess you have. The more comfortable you're around you are around that person, the more you're able to express yourself physically. Yes, definitely, Okay, Cam, how do you go about attracting the right partner for I guess you're style

of relationship? Well, it depends first of all what you want, like if you want to have a real deep, intimate, soulmate type relationship that you're really clear on that from the outset, or if you're feeling a bit guarded and like you don't really want to go deep into something. The clearer that you are about what you want, the more likely you are to attract that into your space.

And there's so much out there. When people in the whole dating arena of like the game playing, you know, like, oh, we have to wait three days before we call this person. After a day and account seem too eager, and I just think that that's only going to engender more gameplay and even me personally. When I was in my twenties, I used to date guys who were in their forties because they didn't play games anymore. It was just like I like you, you like me, Let's get on with it.

And there wasn't this So I'd better wait because you'll think I'd like her too much if I call her right away after we went out. They would just call and be I had an amazing time, You're so incredible, Let's do this again. And so you know, if you want authentic people, you have to be authentic. So the more really honest and vulnerable, radically honest that you are, you'll attract that into a partner. Got Well, so here's my thing. So I don't really I don't as a

human being, I don't need sex like I don't. I don't necessarily like have to have it in a relationship. If I'm not in a relationship whatever it is, Like I can, I can survive perfectly fine without it. I do kind of crave that physical intimacy of um, like spooning or holding hands or just kind of like holding each other that type of stuff. So if sex isn't an incredibly important part of a relationship to me, is

that something I should work on? Do you think, like I've I've dated girls for you know, extended periods of time months to two over a year where sex was something that it wasn't a very not that it wasn't very frequent, but it wasn't like the staple of our relationship, you know. And that's fine with me, Like, I don't need that, It's I think it's just like an added benefit to a healthy relationship. Well, it's great that you've expanded and you connect with your partners on all these

other levels. My view is that the sex is the glue. Sex is really the heart of an intimate partner's it, and sexual energy is life force energy. This is the energy that creates a new life. And so when you're really tapped into that energy, even if you're single, you can have much more creativity, much more rejuvenation in your life. Like the whole concept is that if you're not creating babies with this energy, you can create other things in

your reality with this energy force. So to me, that's the deepest place that we connect in that intimate partnership, Like it's the one thing that separates that kind of relationship from every other relationship in your life is the fact that you're probably having sex with that person. And so in mind view, when you really deeply open yourself up and you become vulnerable sexually and emotionally, there's nothing

like it. You create this kind of superpowered energy. Like these couples who can be together forty years and still have cataclysmic, incredible sex, still be totally passionate for each other. That's possible for everyone, but it's kind of a myth in our culture that it's not, and so people settle into relationship where the sex just dies and they get used to that not being a big part of it.

My view is that people are really scared of going that deep, and so they pretend that it's okay that they don't have sex and it's okay that they haven't had sex with their partner. I have clients who maybe haven't had sex in eight years, and they act like that's normal. They think like, oh, well, just by the way, like we we have fights about this and then we haven't had sex and New Years and then we didn't want to buy this car together. You know. I'm like, no, no,

wait a second, Like this is a massive thing. And I think it's overall our culture is so repressed about sexuality that people internalize that oppression and so they're not in touch with their sexual energy and they start to kind of downplay it as an important thing, where I think it's a hugely important. So sex is kind of

like the foundation for success relationship. So on that. On that note, then, for for maybe a listener of this podcast that's dating casually, how long do you think is the appropriatemoun of time to wait before you're able to kind of explore that avenue of a relationship. That's an excellent question, and I'd say there's a lot of pressure on people to be sexual very quickly these days, and so the best answer that I can give you is

to really listen to yourself. And so whether that's you know, a first date or a tenth date, or three months or six months, you need to be clear when people dive into sexual relationships, and not to say that I haven't done it and been there and you know, done that. It's what a judgment thing. It's more like how do people take care of themselves? If you dive in sexually

before you're really emotionally connected, you leave yourself exposed. And that's why I think if people might sort of ditch the hook up very quickly is because they both feel over exposed and they want to shut down. Okay, so there's no real there's no realistic timeline. It's just kind of various case by case. I would say it various case by case. But the longer that you wait, the more emotionally connected that you get. So, you know, you said, I wouldn't say that sex is the foundation of a

successful relationship. I would say that trust is, and then upon trust you can build everything else. And so when you really trust each other, you're going to have much more deep, connected, powerful sex. If you're not trusting the other person, you have barriers there, and so neither people. You know, people aren't connecting on a really deep level,

and it will not be very satisfying sex. Well, and for me too to to kind of not necessarily get off topic, I I've only just recently, as a twenty six year old man, begin to open up about like what I want in a sexual relationship like I've I've been able to more recently speak more openly about what I like, what I dislike, what I what I want, all that kind of stuff, because I think i've I've never maybe had the emotional connection that I that I've needed in order to open up about that, right, So

I guess to to that point, then how do you continue to build the connection to make sure beyond the communication, is there anything else? I guess, well, I see the communication is key, Like and we've said trust is essential, and you said that, as you've begun to open up, then that's where you create that depth and intimacy with and I believe that you can continually grow interest in a person where you have lifelong interest in treek, mystery, passion,

sexual attraction, that that can be the norm. That's not a myth in our culture that after two years or a certain amount of time, people naturally lose interest. I don't believe that to be true. I think that people just don't know how to build a powerful relationship. And so no one's taught. I mean, look, in school, you're taught that sex will kill you and sex will get

you pregnant. So there, go off and have sex and figure out your relationships, right, And so people have this giant, you know, whole or void inside of them, having no idea. They have this intimate, innate desire and natural desire to be sexual and to be intimate, to really get close to another person. That is a natural, fundamental human desire

that we all have. And then we have all these you know, contradictory messages in the culture, like sex is everywhere, it's in pops, songs, media advertising, and you're not really allowed to have it either or you know, enjoy it. So there's still this huge taboo about it. So most people are walking around with a lot of blocks inside of them. No one's really taught how to do relationship and so that's a huge part of my work is explaining to people and educating them about what's possible in

an intimate relationship. Like I just said, you can be together for forty years and still want to rip each other's clothes off. That is possible for everyone. Every woman can find deep levels of release and pleasure, every man can explore his full potential in the bedroom, and and add infinitum. But where no one's really taught how to

do that. And the huge piece of that is around communication and opening yourself to another person and sharing who you really are, being authentically you without holding back, without putting up guards and barriers and hiding in any way. And that's really hard. That's one of the hardest things that we can do as human beings is to totally open ourselves to be vulnerable and then to be loved, you know, because as soon as we're vulnerable, we're at

the risk of being hurt. And so most people walk around with masks on, they're guarded, they have defense mechanisms, their whole terrain is loaded with land mines that someone can trip over and snap and everything can implode. And so it takes a skill set to develop a really positive, powerful,

healthy relationship. Most people don't just do it intuitively. So most of your clients clients that you see, are they typically older couples that have been together for a long time or do you typically see it a little bit younger. I don't know what's what's that kind of typical? My client base rages like the media is probably thirty something to forty something, but I have everything from twenty some things to seventies some things who want to get better

at their intimate lives. And it's not just people who are suffering and really struggling. It's people who are like, it's already amazing, how do we keep it amazing? You know, they've already prioritized their intimate lives as this very important piece of their existence, and they want to know, Hey, you're an expert. What do you know that we don't know that we can keep learning about and educating ourselves about the way that people look at their careers. You know,

you go to school. If for a lot of people go to school, they work, then they continue to educate themselves. They study the apprentice, they take seminars and workshops. They do for the education, But in relationships, people don't do that. They get their relationship, they think they've got it once they've got some kind of a commitment, and then they just put their focus elsewhere, and so they stop prioritizing their relationship, and as soon as they start to do that,

the relationship withers away. Well, and back to the age, I still have a question for you, Um, when I was growing or not when I was growing up, but like a few years ago, my brother was dating like an older woman right like late thirties, um, and he was like mid twenties whatever it was. Is there is there an actual time when a woman and a man reaches her sexual peak, because it isn't a woman's sexual peak typically in her late thirties, while a man's is

like maybe the late teens, early twenties. I don't know if that's if I believe that physiologically, I think that women may be become more confident and comfortable with their sexuality as they get older. Women are given less permission in our culture to be sexual than men. For men, it's like you're allowed to go out there, you're allowed to sleep with anybody you want to. But if a

woman does that, she gets judged. She immediately gets judged and labeled, and that's that she internalizes that, so she starts to hold back in her sexual expression. So I think once women get into their thirties and forties, they're like, screw this, Like I'm going to just be this part of myself and express it however I want to, And they've gotten a certain level of maturity and experience to

do that. I don't know that it's a physiological peak, um, in your opinion, then, as as we're kind of obviously talking about this, that makes me very uncomfortable still, Um, say, say you meet someone new, incredibly interesting, whatever, you connect emotionally, do you think that there is a a number of sexual partners that that person has would have had to be caused for concern or like a red flag or

something like that. M m um, Not necessarily. Like I think that people in their teens and their twenties, it's pretty natural to go out and explore, and that people aren't necessarily as in touch with their emotions at that age, and as they grow older into their later twenties and thirties, they start to crave more of an emotional connection. But in that early stage, I think a lot of people explore. So I wouldn't say it's a cause of concern so long as that person is operating from a place of

high self esteem. That if they were doing these things and they were doing it to please other people or doing it to be to be liked or whatever, is different than someone who just had a healthy, very conscious curiosity about sexuality. So okay, so it just just bloils out of self awardess. Then I have a um sex question. Go for it in your opinion, And I know you're not a man, but I feel like you're a sexpert. What's the best way to give a good can you say? There? Oh?

Is that not what we're doing here? Well, I mean, while we're on the topic, we's on everybody's mind. Everybody's

thinking it. Hello. The best way to excel at filatio is to total be in love with your partners And so if you are fully, madly, truly in love with their they are going to feel that if you're doing it out of duty, if you just like it, you know, and you think they're gonna like it, it won't be as good if you madly just attack that thing with your your mouth, your heart, every single part of you, your partner will go weak in the knees and you'll

be the best lover they ever had. Actually, really good answer. I assume the same thing is true. Going another way, absolutely, yes, Dean always thinking about the girl. I mean, I'll be honest, I haven't really been maybe the most giving in that sense of the word in my sexual career, you know.

I think I think that specifically for me, is a big trust thing as well, because, um, you want to go you want to be doing that with someone that you're very comfortable with and that you you maybe you understand a little bit more deeply than that the casual data, you know. That's kind of my I guess take on it.

It's a very intimate experience. And I think that you're right is that it's a symbol of when you're really open to somebody and you're comfortable and you want to go deeper with them, and that's what it's all about. So then you're not going to be faking it if you truly have those feelings, those genuine feelings about who they are and that part of them that is the essence of who they are. Yeah, um okay, Kim so

as a millennial asked Tanya and I both are. How do you think that affects the sexual component of relationship because it seems that that hookup culture is a lot more prominent now maybe than it was I don't know, just as recent as a as a decade before Mark's generation. Sorry Mark, No, it's true though, it's just a little bit different. So there's because there's a difference between having sex and making love with someone. So I don't know,

can you speak to that a little bit? Yeah, I mean, like I said, I think it is kind of part of the deal when people are in the twenties, not for everybody, but it's certainly a time when people do that more. But like, my whole philosophy is to use your intimate relationship as a power source, and to really do that, you have to be connected emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and sexually physically. You have to be interested and attracted

and intrigued on all of those levels. And if you're not, you can do these things, but they're not going to be as deeper as pleasurable, and so the real potential of power and energy and as a source of rejuvenation that a sexual relationship can be, you're not going to really tap into that if it's superficial, if they're just casual hookups. And I have no judgment about this, like people are free to make their own choices. It's just more about what you're wanting in your life and in

your relationship. That makes sense. So so then to that note, being the professional that you are and spending the amount of time researching and and understanding this on a level that maybe we don't What would you say that you know about sex that the casual participator or listener doesn't. I don't know how to how to raise that properly. Well, you know, I think that we grow up and take

on these ideas of people. Say, you know, your parents probably said wait till you find someone that you love, and as kids people just kind of oh, whatever, you know, But their reality is is that the sex is better that way. Once people have enough not so connected sex, they usually discover then when they have more connected sex,

that it's more pleasurable, more enjoyable. They're more likely to have climaxes through that experience more easily, They express themselves better, they don't feel embarrassed about maybe their bodies, Like all of these things melt away when you're with someone you really love and trust. And again I have no judgment about it. This isn't a moral condemnation about people's choices.

It's just more about what you really want. So I think what people don't understand is that your sexual relationship can be a power source in your life. And so you know that whole that old adage like behind every good man is a woman. Well, behind every good woman is a man on his knees giving her everything he's got. So when you really give your power and energy to each other, you rejuvenate your lives together. And most people just think of their marriage is maybe like a social

agreement or an economic agreement. Like we've come out of this these decades of obligatory marriages, like marriages that were kind of like duties, and people had their roles. When was taking care of the kids, one was taking care of making money. And so now we're I think, evolving into this place where we really want a soulmate type relationship where you meet your match, where you really meet that person who's a compliment for you and brings out your very best self. Yeah. So I recently, uh um,

recognized that I was making a big mistake. I was like in this perpetual pattern of pain because I was sleeping with people that I wasn't connected to, I wasn't in a relationship with, and I recently made the decision to wait for marriage. And it's something that I've been like doing a lot of research on, and I've kind of realized that there's like, also, you don't have to have sex to have a sexual relationship. That makes sense. And so they're like, um, and what do you mean

by that? Exactly, Like, there's ways to be intimate with somebody without having sex, without having penetrative sex. Yes, and you do other things, is what you're saying. Yes, okay, so to you, the line would be penetrative sex, but up to that everything else is okay, yes, okay, what Kim, what are your thoughts on the introduction of third party accessories into the bedroom? Oh? Did we finish? Did we answer her questions? Oh? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We can

we can go there? Do you want? I thought that was kind of on topic. I thought it was. It is, but I want to hear the rest of her. So you're just you've decided to wait for marriage for that act, that kind of crowning act and so how did how has that been going for you? How do you feel about that? Um, it's I think the best decision I've ever made, I've like I feel so I felt so

at peace about it. It's really weird. It's been very three it and so I know it's going to be a struggle, and it's like just it's very different from the culture that I've been in. Does that make sense? Absolutely? So it's definitely like a mind shift. And then I'm going to need to like obviously need a lot of support. But um, I think that learning, like like what you're I mean, I think I was just putting myself in these these situations where I was constantly getting hurt, and

I don't want to do that anymore. It's a really brave thing what you've said. That's a very self aware thing and a very brave thing to do because you're totally going against the grain. If I would imagine most of your peers and and then really honoring yourself and that's a beautiful thing. And so you probably now will create a higher caliber caliber relationship because you're coming from a place of self listening, self honoring, and self respect and the fact that you're going to find a man

that's much more patient. I feel like it's pretty important too, Yeah, because I think to give me the point earlier in the day that, um, a lot of guys and I mean some women of course, want to to kind of

dive into the as a cool aspect of the relationship. Um, but if you're able to find a guy that's able to be patient with you, I feel like that would definitely strengthen the relationship and it definitely helps kind of like thin out and with out the the boys that are the guys that you don't want to be dating and the guy that's willing to work with you and actually like commit that. I didn't know that. That's that's

really amazing beautiful. Um, all right, what about the question that I had, So you're asking about is it a good idea to introduce third party accessories into the bedroom? That was the question. Absolutely, I think that every couple ought to have their own boudoir box, like a selection

of things that enhance the experience and amplify things. And I've even just come out with a product line of different toys that can be used in the bedroom for different pleasure centers, And so absolutely, I think they are

great things. I wouldn't say that you know to get fully reliance on them, like I think the absolute best connection really is between two human beings and two sets of human flesh, but that these accessories absolutely have their time and place, because speaking from my personal experience, I've been very anti accessory. I don't think I've ever used anything. So I mean, I guess I just gotta branch out a little bit more and communicate more and give it

a shot. Well, like I said, I think that the ultimate is two people and the accessories that can use, like say, to explore different climaxes or different pleasure zones in each partner, than certain tools can be really good for that. So they can be things that are tandential to your sexual relationship rather than the core of it. You and your partner are the core, but these other things are just like things that you can experiment and play with along the way. Are there any specifics you

can talk about on this family friendly podcast? And my work is all about educating, as I said, what's possible for people, and so a big thing of what I talk about for women is that there are deeper internal that they can have and so I've designed a set of toys that are designed to with their precise shape and curvature, access those points that would be very difficult

for a male to do with his genital anatomy. You could get there with your hands, but when you have a like minor made out of glass, then they're designed and shaped for the exact curvature to access those points. So these are different release and pleasure centers in the woman that you can get to when you have the aid of these little Oh hey, Mark or Easton. Do you guys care about wearing in on this conversation at all? It's a little weird at this point. What what's weird

about it? The female pleasure centers? Yeah, it feels I think once you get married, it's weird to talk about these things. Single you can talk about these things because there's like a veilive mystery of who you're talking about. Yes, exactly, exactly right, And I think it'd be disrespected all to my wife to talk about anything that we've used or not used or Jean enjoy. Let's just really hypotheticals. Then, I just do you support the idea of them, Like,

do you think it's a good idea? Yeah? No, I just heard a whole list of ways I'm probably not satisfying my wife. Now. I think I thought there was one type of orgasm, and it's the one I wasn't. You can happen just just being real, sure, and that's really common, that's really common. Most people have that misconception, and that's because it's prevalent up there in the culture. And that's why I'm so passionate about my work, is to show people what's actually possible for that much more.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Literally, the type that you're talking about. I'm often associated with just the tip. I'm sorry for real though, it's a real important thing that I think a lot of people don't have enough knowledge about and could be making the world a much more colorful and exciting place. Absolutely. Yeah, Like I feel like these deeper can I say orgasm at this point?

I mean, I don't know what please, These deeper vaginal orgasms from these deeper internal orgasms for women are like self actualizing. They access these deeper, incredible emotional, spiritual releases and openings, and so the woman helps it becomes she becomes more of who she really is. And so again this is my whole thrust with this topic is that there's so much depth and intimacy and exploration that the couple has available to them when they get into a

situation that they're open and trusting and comfortable with. I mean, I'm I just got married like a month ago. Thank you so much. Um And uh, I don't know. I'm just I'm on the look at to keep things things interesting. You know, we're a month in and I just don't want things to go stale. And here we are in sitting next to a twenty year veteran who he's not willing to share his faid secrets. There's no trade secret. Feels wrong, that's all. But things are good. Things are good. Yeah,

thank you? Okay, old parties are satisfied. Um. Okay, Kim, Well, so you have a website, correct, it's it's kim Anami dot com. Am I saying last name right, that's right, okay, and the Instagram pages at kim Anami okay. Um. Is there anything else you're working on that you want to share? Well, I just opened a shop with a bunch of accessories that are to be used in the bedroom or can

be taken as healing remedies. For people. And so there are these crystal elixirs that I've created as well as these glass objects, and then a variety of other things that all aid in one's intimate life. And that's anomie alchemia dot com got And I would regret the opportunity not to ask you about your weightlifting career. Do you mind speaking to that a little bit? Well, yeah, I'd love to speak about it. Um. I just need all the information so that you can start weightlifting as well.

You can. It's important for men as well as women just strengthen their genital power exercises with weight y. Yeah. The original Kegel exercise designed by Dr Kegel, involved using a device inside internally and so no, it's like a gentle it's it was. It's a painful experience. It's just like lifting weights. If you're gonna go lift a weight, or you know you're going to strengthen your bicep, you don't just wave your bicep in the air, right, You

pick up a weight and you press. It's the resistance and the feedback that actually builds straight and so most this is like any other muscle of the body that needs strengthening and exercising. And because we're this very sexually reclaimed culture, it just doesn't happen. It's fallen out of the way of what ought to be part of a natural weightlifting or twine. You have your legs day, your arms day, and your genital's day, and to put the ball up there and like squeeze it up pretty much.

I use these little jade eggs as a small stone of jade carved into the shape of an egg that goes up inside and then it's rilled with the whole a string comes out. They're just tiny, they're very small, smaller than most things that would go inside of there. And then you can hang things from the end of

the string and you gradually increase the weight. I've lifted everything from surfboards to green coconuts to chandeliers while I was in Italy, because I have a whole world tour where I travel around the world lifting objects indigenous to various regions with my another part, Wow, wow, I have

the loss. That's that's very h very impressive. UM. I guess my question as well is if you were to sign a percentage to the I guess values in a relationship, how much would you assign for the physical component in the top two or three. Like I said, trust and openness is probably number one, and then sexual intimacy would be number two. Do you think that a successful relationship

is intimacy. Yeah, I mean that's the place where you truly connect, as I said, And a lot of couples go along and they think, oh, we're just such good buddies, we make such good partners, and doesn't really matter that we don't have a sexual relationship. But it does because if that part of your being doesn't have some way

to express itself, it comes out in untoward ways. And if we've seen that in the global culture, where people who have been forced not to have sex end up having it in ways that are really damaging and violating to other people. So you can't just shut that down and pretend it doesn't exist. It does. It needs healthy

outlets for it. And my work is all about the conscious direction of sexual energy, and ideally within a relationship, a conscious, committed relationship where both people are looking at how to make that a totally blissful, ecstatic, rejuvenating experience like that ought to be the place where the couple comes together to revitalize themselves. So you've been out in the world, fighting your battles in the world, and you come home and your bed is your sanctuary. Your relationship

is your sanctuary. That's your haven where you can let down your hard, let down your masks, totally be yourself and be loved and cherished. And there is nothing that's more healing and energizing for your life than having that kind of recognition and love from your partner. Okay, I love that. That's great. Um, all right, Oh Kim, thank you so much for joining us. It was a pleasure

your love. Thank you for your openness. Um. At the end of the day, that's all we can really do is just be open to the conversation, right And I'm working on it. I know I get closed off and kind of You're brave, You're grageous. You're sharing your intimate life on this you know, huge channel and platform, and that's a really brave thing to do. Well. I know that I can attest and I'm sure the listeners can

as well. That we're gonna be able to take a lot from this episode, I hope sexually, and and I'm I'm excited to. I don't know see what comes from it. I've got a lot to process. It's gonna take me a while. Um. But again, ladies and gentlemen, that's kim Anami. Go to her website kim nami dot com. I would assume it's not safe work, but it's that there's nothing visually unsafe. The topics are quite far ranging, but nothing

that visually is too well. I don't know. I don't know what's safe for work and where you work exactly, but there's no actual nudity. If you're a government employee, do not be going to kim and ont com. Maybe waits you get home check it out. All right, Well, thank you so much again, it's a pleasure having you in the studio. Thanks so much for having me. Um okay, well, so, one way to explore your sexual curiosity is through the use of dating apps or not um. One great app

that you could use is Bumble. You've heard me talk about it before. There are multiple things you can do on Bumble. If you are interested in be pursuing a sexual relationship with someone, you could always find someone cute

to date, someone interesting to date. But if that's not really your thing, maybe go and find a friend on the friend Finder version of the app, or if you are looking for more business connections, if you're looking to network yourself a little bit more, there's also Bumble for work, which is great because it meets uh. It allows you to meet like minded professional, career minded individuals just like yourself.

So go to bumble dot com slash Dean and download the app and find your next boyfriend, your next girlfriend, your next best friend, your next work friend right there

on Bumble. What makes Bumble so unique to me and part of the reason that I like it and my most of my if not all of my friends that are in the dating world, are on it is because you as a as a girl, you need to reach out first to the guy, and so these other apps guys can kind of nag and annoy the girl and it can kind of become a nuisance at some point. So what's great about Bumble is the girl has to

make the first move. So sometimes maybe you're swipping a little too fast, you match with someone accidentally, the conversation doesn't open until you begin messaging that person um, which is great. It's a little bit more safe. It allows um maybe like a second betting process, which I think we all need because we got all get a little Swipepappy sometimes as a guy. I like that too because

it shows some interest on her. Oh absolutely. And I would say that if I were to use any other app, I very seldom open up with any line at all because I like to wait for the girl to use an opening line on me. And Bumble kind of choirs that, which is great for people like me. So if you want to meet people like me on Bumble, go to Bumble dot com, slash Dean and download the app and start bumbling. So yeah, So to catch the listeners up on my life, it's uh, there's been a lot of

self discovery lately. Um, we have the holiday's approaching. Holidays are always a tough time for me, just because of the family dynamic. This year, for Thanksgiving, I just went up to Ohai, which is in I don't know, Central California, with some of my friends and we had a Thanksgiving up there with one of my best friends father. Um what else I was Actually so, I was at the gym the other day and I was riding my bike comb and I'm I'm a late jim go or I

probably go like eleven or twelve at night. Um, and I just like started thinking to myself and I got home and I was like, oh my gosh, I have I have always flots the thoughts flung right now like I need to start writing them all down. And I started writing about stuff, and it was just basically like stuff about my life, like experience that I've experiences that I've had in my life. And I was like writing for like an hour or two, and I was like,

cooly cow. I've never like written for that long before, but I was like typing out my entire life. But what I think that I realized is that part of the reason why I have been unsuccessful in dating and in relationships is because I have this weird like psychological um kind of I don't want to call it an issue, but I feel like at every walk of my life,

I've been challenged to push through and like persevere. And I have noticed that the women that challenged me are the ones that mostly get the most out of me. So so when I look back and I'll kind of like run over these these moments that I've had through life that I think have kind of molded me to be that type of person. When I was younger, um my family. I was born in New Jersey, but when I was one year old, my family decided to pack everything up into a like a five bed long bus

that we lived in for essentially three years. And while we were in that bus, we didn't have any money, so my father was like painhandling on the stre EETs for cash. My mother was like selling temporary tattoos out of the back of the van, just like so we

could afford gas and put food on the table. So as a young child, from the ages of like two to five, I was like ingrained with this idea of you know your you need to like essentially be challenged and work for the betterment of the the group, right, and so then pass forward, Like obviously things kind of increased and improved a little bit from there. Um, having grown up in Aspen and where we did, obviously I

was very very lucky. But then when my mother passed away, I didn't really have any other option, but I was I was kind of not expected to, um, I guess, continue progressing through life, right, So I basically took it upon myself to challenge myself to graduate high school, which I was very very proud of at the time. As an eighteen year old. Um, you know, I didn't really have anyone monitoring me. I didn't have anyone waking me up in the morning, etcetera, etcetera. But I took it

upon myself to challenge myself to graduate high school. From that point, you know, I received scholarships, I challenged myself to go to college, eventually graduated college, and then I from there, you know, got a job in Denver, which was very challenging, and then moved to Los Angeles, essentially

a new challenge for me. So I guess the common theme that I was saying and then I've kind of noticed about my entire life is I am constantly I constantly need to have the idea of growth in my head and that comes from challenging yourself and within relationships especially too. So go back to Bachelorette, I think part of the reason that you saw the best version of myself was because Rachel was so good at challenging me and pushing me to open up more about myself and

and essentially needing to get more out of me. And then, even like looking back at other relationships, I look back at um leaning a long term relationships where you get comfortable, and that's kind of where everything starts to fizzle out, and so I don't know if it's necessarily maybe something I need to work on, or if I need to find that right person in my life that's going to

be able to challenge me constantly, consistently. Um, but just it's just like a weird realization that I had, like there's one underlying trend that I have, and not just my relationships, but in every facet of life, Like even lately, you know, I haven't necessarily been challenging myself quite as much as I have. I feel like I've kind of sputtered out a little bit now that I'm you know,

twenty six years old, already graduated college. Um, my recruiting career is on a temporary hold, which doesn't necessarily provide me any professional growth. I'm obviously like trying new things and trying to expand my horizons and and and experience as much as I possibly can, but I feel like I've kind of like plateaued a little bit and I'm still trying to figure out what exactly that next challenge

is going to be. So that's what that's kind of what I've been that the thought process I've been dealing with lately. It's it's a lot of For the first time in my life, I've never I don't have to work forty hours a week to to be able to pay rent at the end of the month, or um, you know, fifty hours a week to put food on the type of table or in my belly, whatever it is. So now it's like I've I've been afforded this momentary lapse of responsibility where I can use it for self

discovery and try and figure everything out for myself. Um. But with that comes maybe a lack of fulfillment through that, because normally I've I've been challenged every point in my life up until I guess just recently. That makes sense. You're you're you're you're fascinating, and you've had a fascinating life.

It's interesting life, you really have. Yeah. The story you told a few weeks ago when you're riding bikes as a kid and the and the poor kid you were with fell off his bike and was run over by a truck. Hunter, Yeah, Hunter was killed. That has haunted me since the day you told me that story. That was three weeks ago, and I've thought of it a hundred times since then. That's an incredible tragic story. And then this now living in a was it a bus? So it was like a if you picture like a

school bus. And then I think my father like gutted it. Put in two bunk beds on either side down the main hallway, and like a large king bed in the back. So it's all five, I'm sorry, all six of us living in this bus for you know, two or three years. We went from like trailer park to Tchailer Park. I always tell people that we visited all forty eight continental states. I want to say we probably visited somewhere in the thirties until we settled on um living in Aspen. But

you weren't homeless, Like you didn't consider yourself homeless. Well, I was still a baby at the time, so I was still like learning how to walk and talking all that kind of stuff. I don't see the movie Captain Fantastic. It's a guy who lives in a bus with his kids and uh, they travel around the country. You should go see that movie, which is great. It's actually an excellent movie. I think I think that um again as

a as a young child. I don't remember every single moment of it, but I feel like that instill the very nomadic lifestyle. I mean, like I like to be on the move and I like to experience new things, and that's an interesting uh and those tied together. I think with what you're saying, you're saying that when you achieve a level of complacency or comfort, whether it's relationships professionally, that's when you get rush lists and need to move,

I lose interests and whatever it is. And again relationships society, like you said, professionally, even geographically. Um, like, I've lived in a life for two and a half almost three years now, and it's probably the longest place. Well, I guess I lived in Colorado Springs for four and a half years. But um, yeah, I don't know what it is that's something you want to change about yourself or

is that just kind of how you are and that's fine. Well, I don't know if it's something I need to change for myself or if it's something where I need to meet a girl whoever it is that can constantly challenge me and push me to do things that I don't

want to do. I didn't want to go on television necessarily, but my friends were encouraging and then when I was there, obviously Rachel was very encouraging, so it was like I felt like, you know, caterpillar being morphed into a butterfly in a lot of ways, and um, that's kind of why I was like able to be my best self in a lot of ways during that whole time span. And I don't know, I feel like I've kind of

gotten away from that a little bit. And I wonder if that's realistic to find someone who could challenge you for the rest of your life. I mean, do you guys feel challenged in your relationships and in constructive ways? That's the question. There are times, yes, but in twenty years there's lulls, but it doesn't I don't have that reaction to it that you do, so I don't even

really notice them. It's just gonna live in. So I'm sure that I'm sure there have been plenty of complacent times and there are more challenging times, but it's the ups and downs of a relationship where that you'd hit the complacent part and then that'd be kind of it for you, right, Yeah, No, my my default setting is complacent.

So like for real, I always say that in deep inside me, there's a there's a lazy Eastern and sweatpants that doesn't want to get off the couch and uh and Alison, Um, every day she's like, hey, what's your rowe can't look. I'm like, I'm like, what's that? And Uh, there's all all these things that like people uh probably naturally just do with growth in their life. And Allison has spurred that within me, which is great, So thankful to her. And I mean there's definitely something to be

said about a level of comfortability. You know, you're married for twenty years, you obviously are comfortable around that person. Um, And I don't know, Like again, these are just kind of like premature thoughts that I've been having about maybe why things are I guess, why things have gone the way that they have for me, and how I can maybe maybe be to to Kim's put, be more self aware of my experiences and what I need to to find in someone else that I'm going to eventually spend

the rest of my life with. You know, as I said, you're a fascinating person. Can you tell us about movement watches? And then we'll try to sneak in some emals before we wrap today. Yeah, Actually I'm wearing a Movement a lot right now, I can tell you all about it. It's got a cameo nylon band with a black face, one of my favorites. Actually, UM, I'm sure you guys have seen Movement. They're one of the coolest watch companies

that actually just popped up here in Los Angeles. UM. Movement watches pronounced I'm sorry it's spelled m v MT, but it's pronounced pronounce Movement. UM. It's basically a watch company that was found on the belief of creating stylish watches at an affordable cost. You you know, you see so many people wearing these watches that seemed to be breaking the bank. But what's great about Movement is UM they're cool. They they definitely turn a lot of heads.

Whenever I wear my watches out, which is pretty much every single night, I always get a million questions about it. So if you go to m v mt dot com slash help, you can get off with free shipping and free returns. I promise you won't have to exercise the free return option because every single Movement watch I've gotten I've absolutely loved. They're clean, they're they're sophisticated. There's so

much the variety that you can choose from as well. Um, sometimes I want to wear a leather band, but most often and I want to wear the nylon just because it's a little bit more casual. Um. But if you're looking to step up your watch game, your boyfriend's watch game, maybe that guy that you um met on Bumble that you're trying to impress, go ahead and get him a Movement watch. Go to Movement dot com slash help and you can get fift off with free shipping and free returns.

That's Movement dot Com slash Helped. That's good stuff, all right, Email time, Let's do email. A couple of good ones and a couple of comments like annakaate here? Who really is over the whole Christina situation? For that one? This is directed at the podcast in general, not just Dean. Can we please stop talking about what Dean did on Bachelor in Paradise. Everyone and their mother, including my mother in law, has given their opinion on what Dean fell short and what he should have done if he and

Christina will ever be together and not. It's admirable he's doing a podcast to better himself and learn from his experiences, but can we stop beating a dead horse on the b I P experience. It's enjoyably hearing about other dating situations he's talked about other than the Bachelor in Paradise thing. I just think that Dean should get a break on the Christina Danielle thing. Randover loved the podcast. Well, Anna, Kate,

thank you for listening to the podcast. First and foremost, I do agree, but I think that it is kind of necessary to at least tackle the topic earlier on. I think that as the um the show begins to grow and continues to air, obviously that won't become so much of a focal point. But at the end of the day, that was kind of the route reason for starting this podcast. I mean, it was a very public way to suck at dating, and so here we are

talking about the suckiness of dating. But in a Kate, I can assure you that will will venture away from it a little bit. Um, I feel like we've definitely talked about it less and less as time moves on. It has moved on. Um, now we can just start talking about my real life dating foibles, which is probably even more interesting. And I had some issues with you, she says, Dean, you totally answer questions like a politician. Hey, you don't strike me as a political person. Are you're

a political person? I hate politics? Okay? Do you think you're doing this to be a argumentative, be politically correct, or see to not offend anyone? I'm so bad at tests? Are you not giving a straight answer? Which of those reasons do you think it is to be a argumentative? I think, by nature I'm a contrarian, so that might be the best answer, But I also I don't know. I want to be politically correct very often. I think it's all three. I don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers.

I hate ruffling feather I don't want to offend anybody, right, she says, I realized that sounds harsh. I definitely think you have the potential to be super interesting and draw people in, but you have to give real answers regardless of how people that will feel about them. That might be the lowest blow I've ever received in my life. I feel like you have the potential to be interesting.

Thank you so much for that kind But she's saying, you gotta be honest, whether you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings or not. That's what she's saying, and this would have helped you un Bachelor in Paradise. Not that we're going to go back to that again, but that's what she's trying to much to Anna Chase this name. We'll talk about alright, Patrick, Bro to Bro, he says, Dean, I love it two for two episodes in a row where

we have guys. This is great. I'm twenty five years old and I'm extremely attracted to one of my really good friends, ex girl friends. They dated six years ago for about two years until he ended things with her. And if now I'm dating somebody else for three years, is it bad to even be thinking about her or be interested in her? And there's a complete violation of the Bro code. Thanks man, Patrick, Patrick, go for it man first and foremost. Maybe if you're worried about it,

talked to your buddy about it. But six years is a long time. I've experienced this too. Um My, one of my girlfriends before going on the show, had a thing with my best friend, my literal best friend, who um I loved to death, and maybe what I regretted, what I didn't do was I pursued her without telling him and then Eventually he got angry at me, not for pursuing her by any means, but he thought that I was kind of running behind his back with the

whole situation. Um, and they were still close friends all that kind of stuff too. So I think that the one regret that I can have from that situation is just that I didn't talk to my friend about it before pursuing the girl. And I think, again, six years is a long time, the fact that he's already moved

on to a new girlfriend of three years. I think you said yeah, I mean he's definitely over her, like they're should be, no hard feelings and at the end day, if he's really your a good friend, he should want you to be happy. I think asking your route would be a violation, but yes, telling him ahead of time, I think that's part of the bro code, just being upfront about it. Bro, I'm interested in her. No, he's not just interested, He's extremely, extremely interested and attracted to

So you got to say something. And if what what happens if he says something to the guy and the guy says, you know what, I'm not comfortable with that, ask him why. I don't see why. I mean, again, we don't know that the extent of the relationship from six years ago, but six years and they did it for two years, he's moved on. I agree. I think that I violated bro code by not approaching my friend, and again that's my only one regret from that situation.

But I think if you go to your friend as a friend and be like, hey, this is what I feel, this is what I think, Um, can I have your blessing? Then? And if he says no, I don't think he's really that good of a friend. I don't know what do you think? But like, I don't know how good of friends are these guys, Like if they if he starts dating her, she's gonna be hanging around the whole time, Like he's gonna have to see this. But the guy has a new girlfriend, is I don't I don't know.

I think he should go to him first, But I also think that like I would see here clear of that if it were me. But if he's extremely attracted to the girl, if he's attracted to him enough to even write an email to a podcast about dating, that's saying something that he has that's true. Well, I'm just saying if he does this kiss that friendship goodbye. I'm saying that too. If he does it without consoling his friend first, really, I think it's gonna be weird. What. No, Patrick,

don't listen to Easton. He's off his rocker, the friendship goodbye. He heard it here. It might be worth it. Maybe it's worth it, and maybe it is, and maybe he'll be the best man at Patrick's wedding. Maybe if he is, I'll eat my hat. Patrick. I think there's there's one conclusive answer here. Ask your friend if it's okay at first, at the end of the day, maybe she's not even interested in you, so it could be uh move anyways. But but yes, thank you, um, yes, if you, I

think you should approach this object with him. To Mark's point, don't listen to Easton. He doesn't always talking about He still has hard eyes for his one month old wife, and I guess we all love that obviously, but this could be your future wife, and I think that you should definitely give it a chance. And thank you for listening to the podcast. I appreciate it. All right, Well that was just about do it for one of the

most uncomfortable podcast episodes I've ever hosted. Thank you again to kim Anami for coming in and making me feel very uncomfortable. Again, check your check your website out if you're not at work kim Minami dot com. UM, I haven't looked at it yet, but I can assure you okay, her Instagram is not safe for work. Okay anyways, UM, if you like what you hear, it makes you subscribe to my podcast. UM, leave me a review, positive or negative.

I don't care. Come at me with it. If you don't like something, tell me what I what you don't like. If you do like something, maybe write a lot more about what you like. UM, please keep in touch with me at I Suck at Dating at iHeart Media dot com. I love these listener emails. They really do and rich this whole experience for me. It's great to hear firsthand accounts of kind of what's going on in all your lives. But we will be at next week UM with episode ten,

and I'm looking forward to that. I think that will be our first December episode. So that's been help I Suck at Dating. My name is Dean Anglert, and maybe next week I'll suck a little bit less. Follow help I Suck at Dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio, or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.