#5 Signs From Above

hearts hearts full, hearts ready to you know, continue pushing through. Um, Eric, do you mind just introducing yourself to everyone that maybe isn't as similar to the show. Hey, So I'm Eric Bigger, a second run up from Rachel Lindsay season and uh, me and Dean was in Dallas together before I took off for Spain and then I went home and then I'm here and um, Johnny King, let's do it well.

Thank you. UM. I also do want to mention at the top of this podcast, I mentioned briefly to the producer and Eric as well, this is the eleven year anniversary of my mother passing away this week, so I'm a little off. I'm a little emotional this time of year. So if you guys sent some of that I just

wanted to at least put that out there. But Eric, let's dive into a little bit about what you take a lot of pride and joy in, which is great, And I know we talked about it a lot during our season, UM astrology and like kind of how astrology plays into dating and and even just relationships in general. Yeah, so you know, from my point of view, I always seek to understand and to be understood. You know, we

are who we are for a number of things. UM. With you Ding, you know your areas, your fire sign, UM, you might lack patients at times, Um, you like to be in control. But also you are a sweetheart, so when it comes to her areas, you're more so or more compatible with someone who's fired just like you a Leo sagittarius. But you're really compatible as well with air sign, with someone who's a gem and I and aquarious, you know.

So I think for you it's about a person understanding you and giving you your space, but at the same time letting you lead as well. So you might not like when someone is telling you what you do all the time or pushing you. You might not like that, don't like it very much? Right, So you need to understand it about you. But what's weird about that is because I am stubborn, right, and I do like to

push back when people tell me to do things. But I also very much appreciate the direction that sometimes people offer, right, So how how do you find the happy medium between that?

Because I will so quickly say no to someone when they're telling me to do something for myself, but I'm also very much open to the idea of someone kind of like guiding me through certain things, or like someone suggesting something I like structure when it's kind of given to me, right, But I don't like to to kind of abide to people's rules of that type of stuff.

So is you know, being vulnerable with that person. So the thing about people who are airsions, they have a great way of communicating, so they know how to get you to do things that they need you to do in a diplomatic way. Okay, so I thank of someone you might be closer who's an airsion. Not with all signs. You know. Amy is a curious so she's really good at delegating in a healthy way. Sometimes. Amy the producer

of the podcast. I don't like to get on Dean Show, but I will say he hates when I tell him what to do, but part of him he needs it. Yeah, yeah, so it's balanced. But I think with you, it's all about being honest, being open, and being vulnerable I said, and understanding, like I don't like when you say that like that, or just be completely honest about your feelings. Okay, what's that? What's you? I'm an areas, I'm a Pisces. You're a piece. So what does pice you say about you?

Very emotional, very sensitive, very impath like helping people. Okay, you know, I'm emotional person. I think that was one of my struggles on the show because I was trying to get Richel to be emotional from it jump she was, and so I felt like, well, maybe she doesn't want to be with me and Rachel's and Areas. I think she's an Aria's tar s mixer. She's right in the cos she's like earth in fire. Yet I think, yeah, oh you're you're right, You're right. I'm embarrassed. Um, all right,

So does in patience man? Patience for you is could be tough sometimes. Patience, Yeah, you wanted like right now, you want to do it? Like let's go now, you don't think that's just in any other thing that's like, that's like areas, they're they're like the born leaders. They're like the baby of the leaders, like okay, they like they don't have patience. So that's the weird thing about me too, is I love being in control and being the leader of a situation. But at the same time

you're competitive as well, competitive, very competitive. At the same time, I kind of like like the direction in the order and that yeah, this is what you should be doing. I just think for you, direction needs to come in a healthy way, Like you don't want someone controlling you or telling you what to do if it's not unhealthy or to demanding. So you don't like it's funny because you probably don't like when someone's like you to them

in what way. So you might be like, uh, go over there and get me that drink and then come back. I have someone to take some pictures with you. But you might not even know that you're doing that just that. No, I'm just saying it might not come off that light. You're you direct your leader, so you tell people what to do without even trying to tell them what to do. If that makes sense, Yeah, come over here and take this selfie with me like I need you to, and

you just do it just so naturally. But that's just who you are. It's okay, okay, ear leader, Okay, Well, so how about yourself? How do you kind of handle those types of situations? And your said you're more your pisces, so you're a little bit more empathic, right, So what does that say about you? Well, so for me, it's more about I don't mind taking direction because I have that problem. To you when people tell you what to do,

It's all about how you speak to me. I don't mind working with someone or working for someone, but it's all how you talk to me. And so I think that's important for a lot of people. But some people they just want to be the boss. They want to be in control. Some people want to control control. I had that at some point, but I just trying to understand who I'm dealing one time. And so I know you're ares and I know you'd like to be in

control or your leader. You're like patients, so I would know how to talk to you and deal with you. When did you start getting into this whole astrology thing or like just this whole mindset well, it's like four years ago. You know. I was just doing a lot of research on myself, trying to understand why am I this way? Why do I think like this? And why do I have these aspirations and ambitions? Like who is this?

And why I started going deeper? And I'm like, oh, you know, And so when people don't, I don't say people, some people don't know. You have three signs that make you up right, So your first is your ascendant, which is your rising sign, how you come off, So that's more like your personality to when people see you. Then you have your moon sign, which is like your mood, and then you have your son, which is your area. So for me, my son's sign is a Pisces, but my rising sign is a Libra, So I come off

like a Libra. I'm balance and charming, I'm cool. But my moon sign is a Sagittarius. So it's like I like the initiated, like action and like that that's the fire, and me like like the skull. What's your ascendant sign? That's a Libra. Ascendant is right like how you come off. So you might have I don't know, if we do your natal chart, you might have a water rising or earth rising, So you might get along with someone who's a Scorpio because your rising might be cancer because those

are two water signs. So it's different for everybody. But once you get deep into your chart, you know, and your natal chart is basically your chart where you have your full name, the tommy were born, where you were born, in your date, and so you get all these signs and then you have your venus planet, which is your love sign, Jupiter, which represents money. Um Mercury was just communication. So there's so many different elements that make up a

person that people don't know. And it makes sense for relationships, business, partnership, all those things. And so what sparks your interested in this? And I know you were just trying to, like I like helping people, right, So for me, Um, I'm always curious about you know, like Tony Robbins a big inspiration and I'm like, damn, how is this guy so passionate?

Like what is he get it from? You know, you see someone like Steve Jobs, He's someone like Walt Disney, you know, these powerful people, and so I start doing research like, oh, so Tony Robbins, for instance, I know he's a Pisce, he's like I am. His life path number is two, like I am. So he's very diplomatic, very tackling his communication, but his moon sign is an aries, so when it comes to getting things done in information, he's very like intense, like he want to get it

right now. So if I want to help people, I gotta know everything about them in my in my mind because I want to know who I'm really dealing with now, who I think I'm dealing with based on what they do and how they're coming off. And I remember you. I think our first in depth conversation about this over the course of the show is I think it was in Hilton Head working out together in the gym, and you brought up life path number, right, So how do

you calculate a life path number? Yeah, so life path number would be your month, your day in your year, so no number can go above a nine. So it's numbers from one to nine. So basically your birthday is what April seventeen, April sevente right, So then so we're gonna do the year first. We're gonna start from right.

I'll way back to left. So one plus nine is ten, tim plus nine is what nineteen plus one is twenty, so then we have the two because twenty, so you will do two plus zero, which is too So one plus seven eight eight so then what's that tip ten and then tim plus four, right, you got it, So then there we go. We have fourteen. That makes that whole month day one plus four is five, so five represents change freedom. That's why you travel a lot. You're

very curious. Also, you like to live life to the fullest, so eating, drinking, and having fun. But when you're focused, your highly successful. So that's your life path number. So you're gonna always be curious, You're probably gonna travel a lot. And I'm two, so I'm very I'm the peacemaker, so might bring the piece. I'm very diplomatic. I bring people together, you know, I'm trying to keep it cool. Um. But then you have your attitude number, you know, so you

and not have the same attitude number. What's that? So your attitude number would be your month in your day, So your day is the seventeen, right, so one plus seven eight plus eight plus four one plus two it is so attitude three is energy is good and when things happen that hurt you, it hinders you you like,

make humor about it. You don't want to, you know, so you're you don't really As far as attitude, you don't played the great area, even white or black, and when you're really mad or upset, people can feel it. So you and I have the same attitude number. Okay, interesting? Yeah, all right, Eric brings me to my next question. Have you ever used a dating app before? Yeah? I have. I'm sure the one that you use was Bumble, right. I have been a Bumble before, and I'm sure this

is probably pre show. I mean, I'm I'm guilty of using it too. Tell me about one of your experiences using bumble. Uh, Bumble is hard. It was hard in the beginning because you have to wait for the female though like you right, and then message you right. Yes, but that's that can be a good thing. I think it shows it. No, no, no hits. I'm sure you didn't have any problem getting hits on bumble area. Or someone likes you and doesn't message you, then yeah, it's

like what are we doing? What? Why? Why did you like me in the first place? Purpose? But yeah, so let's hear what's your story. Have you ever met up with a a from Bumble again, it could be you're okay really never okay? Um, I have yeah, feel only like a handful again only years ago. Um. But the nict thing about Bumble is you don't have to just meet people of the opposite sex to go on dates

with them, right. There are other options that you can other benefits you can root from using Bumble, so you can use it as a dating app, which Eric has used with two to minor success. I've used to a little bit better. But again, you know, it's it's it's all within the beholder. Um. There's also the friend Finder app, so you know, say you moved to a new city and you're just trying to find some new friends to

hang out with. I think we you know, we can all attest that one of the biggest fears of moving is is not necessarily having people to hang out with. And that's what's great about Bumble as it allows you the opportunity to meet people organically in the sense that you know, you don't always want to go to a bar. Sometimes you want to be able to to meet and

have a conversation before meeting face to face. You have the Bumble friend Finder, and then say you're in a in a profession where networking is pretty important as well, or you're just interested in meeting like minded folks who kind of share the same career h hobbies as you and you know you can jump on bumble what is it bumble business networking. So there's three components to a bumble dating, bumble best friend and bumble business where you're able to meet and talk to people, um, you know,

fellow socialized, fellow business people just like yourself. Or you know, if you're looking to find the next level your life instead of going on a TV show, you're more than able to go on bumble and find them there. And if you go on bumble dot com slash Dean and download the app, you can start bumbling and start finding new friends, new business colleagues, whatever it is. So bumble dot com slash Dean, be sure to get on there

and start bumbling. All right. So last week in studio, as you guys all know, we had my roommate and Dr V who left me with the homework assignment, which was to compile a list of ten fears that I have in dating. I did just that, maybe to a lesser extent. I was only able to get a couple of them. I hope she's not gonna be angry at me, but we're gonna get her back on the phone. We're gonna go and dissect them a little bit and kind of see what advice she asked for me moving forward.

Hey dr V it's Dean from Iart Media. I suck at dating. What's up girl? Dr for don't forget p G rated podcast here? Yeah, that's all right. We have a certain number of beeps and we've already used two of them. So okay, okay, I'll be I'll be good. I'll be good. God, how are you? I'm good. I want to know how you're doing and did you do your assignment? Did you comply with your homework? I try to comply. I've compiled a short list shorter than you wanted it to be, but I did write a few

things down. Okay, let's hear it. So the homework was just to refresh the listeners, to write down ten ten fears that I have in dating, right, I said ten. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. Thank god you shorten it list. You're smart. I wrote three so we can dissect them a little bit more fully. Great, great, three okay, all right. So the first one that I wrote, and I actually just wrote these when I got into the studio today is loving and not being loved back. Yeah,

that is a real fear. And I'll tell you ceprocation is not love. It isn't you own your love. Your love is yours and nobody can take that away from you. What do you think about that? Um? I think that that's a good point. I forgot to mention, actually, dr V that I do. I have a a co host in studio with me today, Eric Bigger from my season. I'm not sure if you're familiar with him. Eric. What's up? Hey? How you doing? How are you feeling? WHOA, we're all here? Ergy?

What's that? Um? What's that saying? You are who you love, not who loves you? And that is so important to realize you're able to really take your power back from the real place of unconditional love. You know what I'm saying. But but, but anyway, I digress. I'm getting very philosophical. So you're afraid of not being loved back, yes, but reciprocation is not love. So I just want you to think about that, and you're not you know, you are who you love, not who loves you back. So let's

talk about that for a second. What do you mean by you are who you love? You are who you love, and when you examine who you love, think about the amazing insights you have about you. Think about all the people you I mean, are you dating anyone now? Of course not? You stuck at it? Okay, think about all of the people you have dated in the past and think about who they are as people and what you loved about them. You are who you love, so well,

it's okay. So now that's that's something different. Are you dating and you're just looking to hook up with people or are you looking to be in love? And I'll tell you, biology bears out that you're looking to be in love as much as you want to be cool and say you're dating, You're dating because you want to be in love. So let's get back to the question. When you think about your past relationships, when you think about that, were they people? What kind of people were they?

It says a lot about who you are positive, outgoing, fun. I think we're positive they were outgoing, they were fun, But that doesn't necessarily solve the fear that I have of loving someone and not being loved back. My point they received love is like I want to I want to give my full heart to someone, right and I'm I'm guessing my fear is giving my full heart to someone and not getting their full heart back. What I'm trying to explain to you is that is a vulnerability

and it's worth the risk. You need to be more courageous because reciprocation is not love. Who gives about the other person and what they give back to you. Your love is yours. But if you continue loving them, and everyone's fear is that they won't be loved back, and that is an enormous undertaking. Number one, maybe you don't feel worthy of love. You don't feel worthy of that. And if you don't feel worthy of love, you're always

going to be rejecting its. Actually I'm trying to I'm trying to help you with that fear of you know, having it not be reciprocated. I'm trying to help you with that by saying it's look, it's your love, you

own it. You know what's funny about that. It's a perfect transition into my second fear, which is an adequacy mm hmm, yeah, and adequacy in the sense that in the sense that I think that I think it's kind of human nature to go around comparing yourself to other people, right, And so if I'm in a relationship, I kind of look at myself. I kind of compare myself to other potential suitors for the person that I'm dating, right, and seeing where I stack up in that kind of hierarchy

high your archy, right. Um, So maybe that's kind of a derivative of the the loving and not being left back. Give me examples. I want examples of what exactly you're you know, you're inadequacies. So you met Jackson last week, right, great guy, super good looking, very outgoing. Um, Jackson is great, super smart, right exactly. And so maybe like say I'm dating someone, right and I introduced them to Jackson, and I kind of like, look at Jackson. I'm like, Damn,

Jackson is way cooler than I am. He's way more like datable than I am. Right. So it's like a feeling of an adequacy that I sometimes have when I introduced maybe someone that I'm dating or whatever. It is just that's just for instance, of course, but wow, this is deep. I just I'm wondering, where did you first start feeling these feelings of an adequacy. I have no idea. I'm just talking about them for the first time right now.

So I think it's amazing. I think to be so insightful about yourself and what your fears are and that you feel unworthy of love and that you feel inadequate. I mean, but at the same time, how relatable are you because everybody feels that way. I feel inadequate, I feel unworthy every Do you feel that? And that's a real feeling, And I guess do you are? Are there any ideas that you might have for you for yourself, like maybe mantras that you could say in those moments

of feeling of an adequate? What you know what I mean, like, what could you say to yourself? I love coping cards? Are you talking about like like pre interview type stuff where you go in front of the mirror and you like raise your hands in the air and you say, I am powerful. Okay, so let me so I'm glad you brought that up, because, let me tell you something, power posing was huge. It was huge YouTube. But psychology has an enormous reproducibility issue. They couldn't reproduce that study.

Um a couple of years later. So you have to be careful with psychology. So the answer to that is absolutely not. I do not expect you to do that. And sometimes when people look in the mirror and they try to validate themselves, if they don't believe what they're saying, it makes it worse. That's why I like coping cards. So for example, for you, I would want you to put um perhaps, Actually, I'm going to ask you if, in two words, if you could tell your younger self something,

what would it be. I'll give you an example. Mine would be see your nothing. Okay, that's a good one. What would yours be? That's Eric? What do you think? Chime in on? Eric? Where are you in this conversation? I mean, I'm letting you get it all out because I have so many questions. But you know the show goes on. Um Eric aep. You know I'm sequence to understanding, to be understood it trying to understand your point. So you said your fear nothing. That was your coping card. Yeah,

that would be that. Well, that would be the two words I would say to my younger self would be fear nothing. I will say, uh, embrace. How I am just embrace it and embrace to it. That's three it needs to be to It's three words. Embrace you. I owe two words two words embrace self. Love that self. Love that self. Yes, embrace self. I love that. Um, how about like, don't waiver? I would say it would be mine, don't waiver? You would say that to your

younger self. Yeah, because sometimes I notice myself being a bit of a pushover at times, which I find that as a positive quality in certain instances, but there are times where I wish I didn't waver in the face of some adversity, right for sure. So that's that's where that comes from. And it's funny too because as we move on to the third fear that I have, the third and final fear that I wrote down, I kind of intertwined with the first two. And what I wrote

down was opportunity costs. So I'm looking at obviously not like a relationship, like a business. But say I'm dating someone, and then back to again the feeling of an adequacy if they could, if the person I'm dating foreseeably could get something more out of the relationship from someone else, I almost feel like I'm doing a disservice to the person that I'm dating by sticking in that relationship, If that makes sense, show you push them away? Uh? Yeah,

I guess I slowly gravitated away. Can you Can you just say that again because it's it sounds like it's your coping method for one and two. I'm not sure, but say it again. You're your thirdier. I feel like if I'm not making the person that I'm dating as happy as they need to be in their life, and someone else could make them happier, It's kind of like me looking at it as then they should be in a relationship with someone else because they could be happier

with someone else. And I think that boils back down to the feeling of an adequacy in that sense. Well, it's your way of pushing the other person away. So you're saying that's that's the root of it is the pushing of a way of of whoever it is that I'm with. Absolutely, I mean, if you're if you're saying, and by the way, how would you know if they're not happy? Are you asking them? Are you thinking for them? No? I don't know. Well here's the one to tell you, Dean,

you are enough. You were enough, And I'm sorry, you don't feel that way, and I'm trying to figure out ways for you to overcome some of these fears. Do you have any ideas? Um, I think I need to improve myself worth a little bit. How could you do that? Would you put your coping card in your pocket when you need it and say, don't waver if you think that's a constructive practice, I'm willing to to put. I

love coping cards. I think they're awesome. Okay, I'll put a copen card in my wallet today and I'll see you today. You'll put in your wallet. It needs to be like in your pocket. I put it to be where you can gather it. I'll put it where at my my driver's license it so I can pull my wallet out and it's through that transparent little slip. It's a quick reminder. Okay, So justin wrap up your number. Your number one was loving and not be loved, Loving

and not being loved. You now understand that reciprocation is not loved. Just think on that. Well, you don't have to don't have to do anything. Just think on that. Number two was what inadequacy? Oh yeah, that's that's a big one. And number three opportunity cost, opportunity cost. And so what you're gonna do is you're going to put don't waiver on a coping card and you're going to see how you feel in those times of insecurity and fear. Okay, perfect example of this. I'm going to give an example

of that happens to me over the weekend. It wasn't a dating example or anything like that, but I was boarding a flight from Minneapolis to Edmonton's four hour flight something like that. Okay, it's already wrong, it's already wrong, it's already going bad. That's not bad. I purposefully booked the exit rail because I'm you know, six two six two and a half five long legs um and I

need the extra leg space. And I go to my exit seat and someone sitting in my seat and she looks at me and she goes, is this your seat? And I said, yes, that's my seat. Can I sit there? And she goes, oh, I want to sit next my husband. Can you sit in my seat? And it's like across the hall and like one of the regular size seats, and I'm like looking at her, and they look at her seat and I look back at her and I look back at the seat and like, it's a small sea,

I'm not gonna have any room. It's a long flight. And I look at her and I go, yeah, that's fine, I'll sit in your seat. And then I sat down in my seat and I was like, damn it. I shouldn't have sat in the seat. I should have just taken my exit row seat back. And in that instance, I wish I didn't waver because the flight, I mean, obviously I got to where I was trying to go. And this is a very like elementary example of this, but I was a little angry at myself. Or You're

bringing up a great issue. How do we negotiate our needs? How do you negotiate your needs? And so for you, it feel it almost feels like you talk about it as an all or nothing. You know, don't waiver, you know, don't give that person the seat. And I know that you're you know you're not doing that. But I'm wondering if that black and white thinking. You need to think of it. You need to think of it differently, like how do you negotiate your needs? And do you negotiate

your needs effectively? Which I'm hearing you say that you don't You don't negotiate your needs effectively, but you. But at the point that I'm making is that you need to think of it as a negotiation. That makes sense, Yes, within yourself, and then with the other person you're thinking, you're it's a negotiation. So what would you have At a lot of times when we don't know how to negotiate our needs. We don't have uh an emotional narrative around it, we don't have language around it. So what

would you have said to that woman? If you could go back in time and redo it, what would you do? I thought about it a lot actually while I was sitting on the flight, and what I should have done it was a solid compromise. Was had them her and her husband sitting in the road that I was in, and then me and the guy that was sitting next to me would have taken the exit row. So you

would have instead of caving, you would have problems found compromised. Yeah, you have the ability to problem solves and negotiate your needs, and you need to be able to believe that within yourself. You know that being said, if you don't think you're worthy of love, if you feel you're a pushover, worthy of that exit row and not worthy of that ends it row. You have to get rid of that narrative. You're telling yourself a bunch of lines and you're believing them. Okay,

So dr V, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna I'm gonna go down and write don't waiver on my coping card. I'm going to stick it in my wallet. Whenever I feel myself, I guess succumbing to doing something that I don't necessarily want to do, I'll pull it out and I'll remind myself of how I'm supposed to cope with the situation. Right. But but remember, because if you're the ideas, don't waiver. But also keep in mind that that doesn't mean to be a hard ask, because

then you have the problem the other way. That's why it's important to think about your processed as a negotiation and you have those problems skills, Dean, it's amazing to me you know you're able to do that. You see to believe that you're capable of doing that. I believe I'm going to start believing more. Um, this was so progress. Dr V. You're great. Thank you for taking the time to come back that's that's saying something right there, you guys are Eric, it was really nice meeting or dr V.

I'm here, I'm here, baby, I'm here, I'm here. We can have a long conversation at some point. At some point I think you guys would have a lot to talk about, but that's maybe for another episode. Dr V. Thank you so much again for taking take care of have a great day. So, Eric, you were pretty quiet during that conversation. What what do you think about? What

you know? I was trying to take everything in that she was giving you in a moment, and I realized this about you on the show because I think I always say, if you spot it, you got it right. So on the show you waver from who you are and accepting you. So I think you mentioned the airplane incident where you know you wanted to extra see because you have long legs, and someone took your see it

and you were mad at yourself. So the question I was have will have you to ask is why did you avoid yourself in that moment when you really need it? That set me. Of course I didn't need to see it would have been a nice luxury to to have been able to stretch out my legs a little bit, and honestly, I think I was totally okay with it. But what really uh put me off at the end of it was when we were getting up to leave

the plane. The exit seat was kind of like right across maybe like back one roew from where I was sitting, and I didn't even get to thank you. You know, it's like thank someone for for kind of like doing that for you. Right, if they thanked me, I would have been like, oh, of course, Like I'm more than happy to accommodate you and let you sit next to your husband that sort of thing. Um. But again, like I I want to be accommodating to people, right, yeah,

but that's you're really good at that. How about people accommodating to you. I just think that I'm very little maintenance, so I don't necessarily need quite as much accommodations as the next person. I didn't A question would be why, um, and then you laugh. Right, So I have this. I've always had this kind of mentality, and I've kind of gotten away from it in recent years. But from maybe

like a sixteen to twenty four year old. Again, as as foolish as I was during those times, I would always justify things by saying, no matter the moment that you're going through, no matter the level of discomfort that you have, when you get to the end of it,

it's gonna have it's gonna be over anyways. Right. So the the stuff that you have to endure during it, as long as it's not extremely bad, it's okay because once you get to the end of it, it's over and it doesn't make a difference as to how you

got to where you are at that point. Right, So the three or four hours of discomfort that I had on the plane had really no bearing on me arriving in Edmonton or Canada where I was traveling to um And so that's kind of how I looked at it, and I've I've always kind of had that mindset, um So that's kind of why I was okay with giving it up. But then at the same time, you know, again, you're like, okay, Like I went out of my way to book that seat so I can stretch out and

be more comfortable, et cetera. So if I can give you to share some of my spurts, please, So you know, prior to the show, I was a yes man. I said yes to everything you didn't know how to say no, and a reason being because when I was a child, I was avoided, I was neglected. So I figured, Okay, if I'm neglected, then maybe I should just give to everybody else and my needs and wants are not as important.

So subconsciously I became this person who if you needed something what I really needed, but I felt like you need you more to me, Well that's what I was thinking. I would give up my needs for your And so what happens is you get to a point where people start using that behavior against you, and then you're always getting shorter in the stick because you're not being responsible

for your feelings and how you feel. So on the show it opened me up to be responsible for my feelings, like I want to date you, and I don't want to date this person, or this is how I really feel. I don't want to talk today, but I would talk prior to the show because I want to deplease everybody.

I want every want to make cap like you want to deplease that lady on the plane because you felt like she needed it more than you, But honestly, in the back of your mind, you really wanted that seat so I think for you as go back into your childhood or your spirons, where where did that turning point happen? Where you thought you was last and then first? And your feelings And I think for relationships and dating, that's what you gotta understand and make a decision like these

are my feelings. Even if it might hurt the person, is still your truth. Like I feel this way in this moment, and you know, because at the end of the day, relationships should be about should be unconditional on not conditional, And I feel like I want to show people talk about Paradise, you had options and people made you feel a certain way. I mean, you made the

girls feel a certain way. But at the end of the day, if you reverse roles and you put a girl in your situation, you put two hot guys around them, the decision might be difficult, but we all should love and appreciate people on conditions, right. It's it's definitely especially in this situation too, from the bachelortte to bachelor in Paradise and and moving forward is like we're kind of set up in a spot to be loved conditionally, like

you're saying, so it's conditional love. The love you until they hate you sort of thing, right, Um, And it's weird because they only see a certain side of everything, so they only love you for certain reasons, not for your full self. And I think the point that I wanted to make when you said that you were yes man for so long, you kind of lose sight of

what you need to make you happy. Right, When you're constantly doing things to make other people happy for their own benefit, you kind of lose sight of what you need for yourself. And then everybody else does too, right, and then it becomes like a process of constiutently giving you what you don't want to be because they're so used to you given like, oh, dan gonna take me to the airport to do this, damn do that, And you'll be like, damn, I can I just get to

think acknowledgement. But they don't know because you're not letting them know because you're not being you're not talking about your feelings. So that's what volnabilly come and is telling them about your feelings. So let's go back to the airplane example. Then do you think I should have gotten off the airplane had after not being thanked, should have turned to the woman who I let sit in my seat and said, you want me to thank you? No, you should have knitted in the butt in the beginnings.

And honestly, I have long legs. But we can figure something out. But I really need to see. But I can help you find a better seat. You gotta because at the end of the day, once you tell her about your feeling, she's gonna get an answer to which to the solution. She's gonna give you the solutions you get. You're vulnerable, like this is how I feel, and I guess she's looking at it as um as a thing

that she's moving to some other location. But if you open about your feelings about how you feel, then she's like, oh wait, this is actually a human and I'm kind of impacting them and maybe they're not most positive her information.

She never had to good information change your situation. I guess the more you begin to humanize yourself to other people, the more they can make decisions that you could be like I remember my actual question like two weeks ago, and he was like, oh, man, I don't know, but you never gave me a direct answer. You kept me, you kept in general, and I'm like, Dane just make a decision. It's gonna be no, bro, this doesn't work for me. I'm like, great, I'm happy to do that

for you. Okay, cool, we won't do it, but I understand you, so I knew how to move on. I appreciate you working with me. Yeah, it's about It's not about me, it's about we. It's an US thing. We think, not I think teamwork. But you got to be able to delegate and tell people the truth directly, like this is how I feel. Do you think that you're a decisive person now? And I am because I can't respond to my feelings and say this is what I want, this is what I don't want. How new is that?

Is that within the past four years, as you've kind of begun to explore since the show. So what happened with the turning point for me in the show? That's when I got into it with everybody. Okay, then advantage of me so nice and so kind. But then I had to be tell how I felt and then they felt it, they got it, and that's when and I transform because I was holding on to my real film is my whole life because I grew up in environment

that was negative. My mom didn't give me a film, you know, so I was just hold hold, hold damn when I let it out. Yeah, you kind of like allow yourself to be a dormat for so long because

you know that's so uncomfortable. But at the same time, I feel like there's definitely a happy medium to make other people happy around you because you're I feel like, I feel like you especially, and and maybe the people that you surround yourself with are are more They're they're able to endure a lot more, right, Like, people are

so fragile and vulnerable all the time. And I feel like as a strong individual like you or the people that you surround yourself by, like you're able to deal with more I guess tribulation than than the other person. So you're kind of willing to take a little bit more of the heat from for certain things, right, And so so when you look at it like that, you're able to justify by being like, Okay, like I'll take this hit because I don't think that they'll be able

to handle it quite as well sort of thing. Right, But see, I was doing it because of what I wasn't getting, because I'm afraid I was going to lose people even though I am a nice person, I'm a given person, but I would have friends I wouldn't want to let go because I'm like, oh my god, I

don't want to lose people. So I wouldn't be vulnerable enough to tell them why I had to move on on a relationship like the relationship prior to the show, I always made it makes sense why I was moving on, But I wasn't giving them my vulnerability because when I was feeling the love, I was running because I didn't understand it. But now I can go back and say, oh, I see what I was doing. I was protecting myself

because I didn't have information about love. You did grow a lot, I mean just from a from an audience perspective, you'd grow a lot from Limo to Spain. Right, Man, it was transformed. I didn't perform. I transformed because it was necessary. Yeah, I think I think there's definitely something to say that conform and not transformed. You didn't really allow yourself to get kind of kind of caught up in everything after that moment of of the clarity in

the mansion or whatever it was. But how has that kind of transformed your life post show? I know, You've probably done a million interviews like this, and I probably I hate to even ask, but like, how do you use that type of stuff to be more I guess embracing in a romantic relationship your friendship are getting better, of course, because you can be more decisive and you can be more clear about your own feelings. But how does that affect you more romantically? I guess I've just

been open and honest. So where I'm at, what I want and what I need there's no in between this even this or that for me and as and I think again, as the audience members can remember as you fell in love for the first time meeting Rachel, So do you think that whole experience has allowed you and enabled you to to fall in love more deeply and more quickly or more? I guess I know how to get there now. I know how to get there. I can get there. I know how to go deep and

fast if I have to. But I realized about me. I love heart, I love deep, like um, I'm even all indo, I'm not at all. I can't play the middle and so riot to the show. I was so intense with love and what I wanted that sometimes it's intimidating to some women because they don't understand it, like why is this are you too going to be true? Are you doing this because you want something from me?

And then they always come back and I'm like, I'm not there because they're not getting from anyone else, right, but emotional their emotional unavailable. I'm emotional, right, And so I'm learning how to not, you know, take a dial back, but just understand who I'm giving to, because I would give with no anticipation of getting back. I think that's I think that speaks a lot to You're not gonna waste your own time, but most importantly, you're not gonna

waste someone else's time. And I think that's definitely a great quality to have, especially when trying to to find someone, whether you're dating casually, you're finding you know that the next wife or husband, wherever it is is, you're you're willing to dive in fully head first and commit yourself to that person emotionally. And I think that that's that's kind of sparse these days, and it's it's kind of lacking, and that's what I need emotion I don't know the

tangible stuff. I need, intentional stuff for my love. That makes sense, But that's some when you have the five love languages, where some people what is your minds is acts of service and now and it's communication. Before was access service. And I believe no quality time. Quality time is big. I love spending time with people like I love it. That's I definitely. You know, I don't have to talk to a girl for a whole week if I spend one time, which I'm gonna make that time

like it's forever. So the active service is kind of pretending to you want your emotions. I don't want a person to think about something. I want them to think about it before I have to think about So I know, Dean like water looking water, and I'm gonna give him some new vans and skateboards. But see that I'm happy man, and attention to him my wants and knees. I'm like,

oh you did that for me? Whatout me? Because that means that they're caring even when they're not thinking attention to you, and they're making it about you in the moment that they're giving you love. And that's that's how I need to be loved. Um. Yeah, so I guess that brings us at the top of the podcast, I mentioned that this is the week of the anniversary of my mother passing away eleven years ago. This week, um, and I've traveled a lot this weekend and it's it's funny.

So I had a lot of time to sit on the airplane basically by myself, listen to my music, a lot of self reflection, a lot of thinking, and honestly, I cried a lot on the airplane by myself multiple times. I think one of my connecting flights through Detroit, I was just sitting there and I like start bawling and like, look at the guy next to me, make sure he's not looking at me. And i take my next flight to Edmonton and I'm like, I start crying and in

my why am I crying? And I was like thinking about this, and I actually wanted to bring it up. And I think you're the perfect person to bring it up with because you can kind of diagnose it a little bit. I was looking back at my childhood in my relationship with my mother, and I think that at the end of the day, I had incredibly strong attachment

issues to her. I would get I would get to the point where I don't think I was able to sleep over at friends houses until I was like twelve or thirteen years old because I was so afraid of being away from her. It got to the point where she would call me and leave me voicemails after she was initially diagnosed, and I would save those voicemails for years and years and years, um, just so I would always have like an outlet to hear her voice whenever

I wanted to hear it. And let's see, I was trying to think of what else I was kind of thinking about. UM, I guess I wanted to touch on a little bit about that. And this is kind of off topic about like what it takes to be a good child, right, So I was thinking about back when my mother got her breast back to me when I was eleven, to kind of combat the breast cancer that she had, UM, and how I don't think that I

wasn't necessarily there for her emotionally. I was kind of like off the cuff about it, and I wasn't as supportive of as I wanted to be. And then I remember her getting her going through her chemo process. She was bald, and she was very self conscious about the way that she looked because she, you know, spent her entire life having this long hair and she just didn't have it anymore. I remember like looking at her her and she was like thinking, she's like, oh, like I

feel so bad, like uncomfortable, my moskain. I remember like looking at hers, like, mom, you're so beautiful, like you're bald, and you're still like the most beautiful woman the entire world. And I feel like as as I went through the phases of her illness personally, starting off as being very jovial and kind of off the cuff about it, I transitioned into being very emotionally there for her. Like she worked a night job from I would say she worked

from like eleven pm until seven am every week. She owned her own cleaning business. That way she could spend the days with the kids, and I would I would constantly go to her to work with her, so I could like just spend more time with her before because she was very clear of kind of the ah, the the end that was that was quickly approaching, and I

was a little bit less aware about it. Um but yeah, I guess too to all of that, I kind of came to this realization throughout this the traveling this past weekend, and um, I do get emotional this time of year every year that I did have very strong, like emotional attachment to her, like stronger than I could really think of. And I guess I just don't really know how that translates into my love life now if if so at all? So, I think usually you know, as men, we craved the

love that my mom gave us. H mom is so I think for you in a relationship, you need that attachment you had to your mom. You need someone to love you like that because that's gonna make you. You're gonna have to respond to them because they've given you what you always gave your mom was strong emotions. And so I think that's more the fear because you don't know if someone can be that potent, on that powerful when it comes to that. But you know how you get to that point, You know how you just said

this whole week you were crying and you emotional. That's how you get to that point with a female. You show her that. And when you show her that, she has to give you that. But what if she doesn't.

What if it's a person that I really enjoy spending time with, like I've see the signs of myself young in love with someone, right, and I opened up about something like that, like that maybe like the most important thing to me in my life for like the most emotional experience I've ever had, right, And and they don't give me the love back that I need them to, then what's what does that tell me about that relationship? But what is the love you're looking for? Is that

the question? Maybe someone like that that can sympathize and like be like it's gonna be okay, Like I'm here for you. I don't understand. I can see where you're going through, like I'm here for you that type of stuff, like say that maybe I need more, like say I'm not getting what I think I need from it, you know, and that only the only that capacity. But again it's like such a big part of who I've become today, and so like that should that be a signal as

to whether it's a relationship worth continuing? If you're understanding that's that's major for you. What that's like, that's a that's it Like if you don't, it's like, if you don't have that portion of the relationship, it's not going to evolve that's important. You need that for your livelihood, for your health, for your well being, because in relationships, the reason relationships won't work for some people because they're

getting at once, but they're not getting their needs. So a person might you know, Sally over here might be most know but Jack is not right. But Jack might be intimate and Sally's not so now, and they're missing each other because their needs are not getting mad at. That's a need for you in a relationship, But the only way to get that fulfilled if you have to communicate that to the person that this is a need, this is a priority. I need these relationships like me.

I need someone who can stimulate my mental someone who is emotional like because I feel like, oh, they're there. But back to your point about the love languages, the acts of service. You want someone to be there without you having to you having to tell them that you need them to be there, right, So in this instance, it's like I kind of want someone to want to be there instead of me having to be like I need you to be here from me. I want that person that comes to me and be like, hey, I

know this is a difficult time for you. I know you're struggling with this. I know you're emotional and I'm here for you, like I want to talk about it. I don't want to to go to that person and be like hey, like can you can you be here for me? Like I want someone to go out on their own and kind of kind of like understand that's

what I need to that moment. You know, right, Well, you have to communicate that because sometimes as men, we can show that we might not need that, but we really want it because we is even ego pride or we're too masculine to let someone in and let it. No. So when you communicate that now, and that's on them none. If they don't show you that, you don't gotta directly communicative, they would just pick up on it if they're aware enough. But they have to know at some point because they

look at you like all things. A handsome guy, he's talk you can get whatever he wants. You know, he's strong, but inside you might be hurt, you know. So it's all about communication. Communication is key. Communication rules the nation. Like what we're doing here, we're communicating you know, yeah, um, but no anysy saying and remind us because you didn't have necessarily strong relationship with your mother going on, and it was very Yeah, it was I didn't get no emotions.

I didn't my mom didn't how was your day, son or or I didn't get the feedback. I didn't get emotional support. So she did the physical, she she shed, no provided foods, she took when your school. You know, she paid this and that. You know, she showed me mannerisms and you should do this and do that, car this,

mr and mrs. But I didn't get the intimate conversations that we're having right now until the show, right, But that's how that's how I broke through because eight months prior to the show, we started having these crucial conversations about mom, you can't keep doing this to me. And I didn't want to have an unhealthy conversation with my mom. But this is the thing people have to understand that in order to have healthy relationships, you gotta have unhealthy conversations.

Unhealthy conversation is nothing but crucial conversations talking about the things you don't want to talk about. So, how's your relationship with her progressed the post show? Oh yeah, because we have more clearly, have more understand and that's what you know what I was missing from her information like why she was doing what she was doing. She said, Mom, you had me at twenty one. Where were you going through? How did that make you feel? And I said, I'm

always You're my mom. I love you unconditionally and I forgive you. I don't hold it agains you because if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here today. You made me who I am today because you didn't allow me to depend on a female to do everything. You allow me to go and be a man at an early age and grow up. Who who was your emotional as a child? Was your aunt? I think? Right? No, no, no, I really when we have an emotional that it was just basketball. That's more. Really like saved my life because

it gave me. I created friends, I got attention. I did good in school, so the thing about me I was good and my environment of my environment was bad. So all the kids will be doing negative things were getting all attention. I was doing the positive things and I wasn't getting attention because if you're get in trouble, you go, you know, you gotta pay attention to them. But I was a good kid. I was responsible, so that Eric's fine, He's cool. But Eric needed a lot

of love and I wasn't getting it. But I had to grow up and I figured out my mom was going through something. And I also learned from some of my family and they don't know how to give emotional support because they didn't get it. So I couldn't blame them like a perpetual sec Basically, what I was, what I'm doing is breaking the curse we're getting, you know, That's what it's about. It from conversation inmation with your dad or with your mother in law. You gotta have

these conversations because they have information about genetics. You know, people have cancer that's hereditary. You know, have heart problems. But if you don't have information from your family, you can't better the circumstances the situation. You don't know like, oh, I didn't know this was the thing for our family. Yeah, you know there are times too, and I've talked about this a little bit openly. I so I still don't

have a relationship with my father at all. He texted me for the first time post show two days ago and he said, Hey, I have an eight under our bill from Rising. Uh is this your fault and I said no, and then that was the end of it. So he still don't have a relationship, right but and I just it still irks me the wrong like reubs me the wrong way when he reaches out first thing saying something like that, because I wanted to be more like hey, so I'm like, how are you? What's going on? Um?

And I do kind of resent myself at certain times for not being more inclined to spark the relationship with him like you did with your mother. I think that's great. So me and my dad, my dad apologized to me. I could have cried on national TV. It threw me off in the morning, like what he apologized on TV after you on TV if the clip you see the clip he apologized in a moment, And I would relationship prior to that wasn't the best because he wasn't there

either like I wanted him to be. I didn't have guidance. He was a provider, but he wasn't a guider. You give me a sneakers. Even the video games, he didn't spend time. He would come on my games. E dude, this is I'm like, Dad, you never even tak me no basketball court to show me that. So what are you saying, like, I can I listen, But you gotta understand where he's at. So you gotta help him. Help you help y'all because he's already in an age where he don't really want to break his ethics or what

he believes in. So you just gotta give him love because what if he's gone tomorrow, then what you don't want to have that conversation. So it is bigger than the both of y'alls, is for the generations, for the family. So you gotta find a way to have a healthy conversation or just even if you're like dad, I thought about this. This made me think of you watched this movie, or I have a company that's giving me these bracelets, take these ways, Oh take this movement. Watch you gotta

break the ice? Is your dad bro? All right? So let me ask for some advice on this topic then. So yeah, So when my mother passed away, right before she passed away, since we were planning, we we kind of knew it was coming, right, she said, I want to be cremated and I want ashes to be scattered in Hawaii. I want you this guy to them as a family, right and it's been eleven years. So I we've had my mother's ashes for you know, eleven years of almost over a decade, which is bad enough itself.

But this year, um, I finally have enough money, so I'm I'm taking it upon myself to fly myself and my three siblings out to Hawaii over So her birthday is Christmas Christmas Day, so we're gonna fly out there over Christmas scatter them on top of volcano on Christmas Day. But I still haven't really had a conversation with my father, right. I've talked to my siblings about it. They're like, no, I don't invite Dad. He's just gonna, like solely the trip.

He's gonna make it worse. But at the same time, I feel like he has every right to be there because he was the husband of my mother. Right, So, how do you think I should go about that? Do you think it should be like the amending process? Do you think I should reach out to him and be like, hey, this is my idea, we're doing it. You you have the opportunity to come if you want to, but we understand you you don't necessarily have to if you don't want to tell him. Yeah, and give him an opportunity

to come. If he doesn't come, this not on you, that's on him, because this is the thing. If you go and you don't tell him, you're going to feel bad at and today once you leave there, because it's information, so he has to think about it. You get. It's like, well, I told my friend he shouldn't drink and drive and something happens. At least you told him, But if you don't tell him, you got to think about I didn't

even tell him that. The challenging thing with that too is talking to both of my brothers, They're like, no, don't invite him. Why would you invite him. He's just gonna make the trip so much worse. And I'm like, I know that, but I still think. You think because his energy, you gotta think his energy and your mom's energy created y'all. So give him the benefit of doubt and the opportunity to maybe that might change him. Maybe he's going through something, or he didn't give over his

fears or his baggage where he's been through. Like, try to understand who you're that really is not who you think he is. Because sometimes we put expectation on our parents. How we see life, but how is life for them growing up? Raising you? You don't really know. So it's all about seeking to understand them, to be understood because right now the kids, we always want to be understood, like mom, dad, you should understand I'm your kid, you made me. But sometimes they need need to take it

back and understand him. A good point. They might be going through something. I guess up until the point they had us in probably about ten years after that point, we don't really understand who they were as a person, right because we also remembering until we're ten years old. Anyway, right becau is we're putting them in this box. You're my parent, you should do this all up. Your parent is a person. There have fallacies and rules and they go through life too. They're not perfect. So it's about

understanding where what is this behavior coming from? Why am I not getting this? Well, maybe your dad didn't get it, or maybe your mom leaven really hurt him. I mean, who knows. But if you don't have the information, no, you can't really just put judgment on him and say you're a bad person, you didn't do this. It's all about love, right at the end of the day, it's all about love. Forget the money, if you get the fame, forget anything. It's all about love. This is love right here.

We got love bro like from a show because we were trying to find love. No, seriously, this love is changing our life. We want to show for love and its changed our life. How crazy is that? For the better? Absolutely? Absolutely? All right? I think. I think you're right. I think, but let's look. Tell him it's not up to what he does, that's on him. You just tell him like, this is what's happening. You're welcome to come, absolutely what you want, because you gotta take You gotta be the leader.

You gotta be to that. That the father, because he'd be the fire sign. Yes, the leader, her dominant. Alright, we'll circle back on that. I guess after I invite him and see what he says. Yeah, he might be a life change in the spurs and you might get a photo and like, hey, we did it. Yeah. So with all these afflictions, I guess that we all experience

his children, especially through our parents. UM a good close friend of ours that we met through this season, Kenny King actually lost his mother today as well, Um due to cancer. So please send your thoughts, thoughts and prayers out to him and his family. Um, it definitely cannot be an easy time. And you know, no matter what age you are, no matter what how old you are, when you lose the parents never easy. And uh I feel I feel awful for that. I just got news

of that too. So, UM, Kenny, we love you. Yeah, man, we love you. Bro might be the might be the most unconditionally loved person coming out of the house. A great, great guy. And you have information because you've you've been in this process, so you would be able to help him throughout this. His face. Yeah, that's something you can share. It's it's so interesting too because he's got such a strong exterior to but you we've seen the vulneraboth side of him. Um. Great guy. But Kenny, we love you.

I'm sorry about that. Um all right, Well, so I don't really know how to transition into this, but well, the opposite of all of this, I guess sadness is fun, right, maybe a little bit of fab, maybe a little bit of fit. Put it all together, you get fab, fit fun. We've talked about it before, We're probably gonna talk about it a lot more. That's just how fantastic it is.

You guys all know that fab fit Fun basically sends you the latest in beauty and fashion, fitness and wellness every single season, once every three months, depending on the season, fall, Spring, summer, Winter, They're going to personally cater a box to you and

what you might need for that month. So, for example, some of the products that you would get in this season's box would be the Summer in Rows black fold over clutch, which I actually gave it as a gift to one of my friends and she's obsessed with it. The Sterling Forever wishbone necklace, which is beautiful, the Spongeel body wash and fuse buffer, and French lavender which smells delicious. I gave it to my roommate's girlfriend. She's always over

the house. I always compliment her on on how good she smells, and I think it's because of this nixt that I know it's because of the sponge Ol body washing, fuse buffer. Um what else do you get? You get the Himalayan Pink Salt kit, which I gave to my roommate. He loves cooking. It makes the sticks that he he cooks on the grill. Just fantastic. Um, the Anderson Lily Body oil, all good stuff, all incredible at at an

incredible value. Um. I mentioned this last week. You get the box typically per season, but for you it's even less. If you go to fab fit fund dot com and use promo code Dean that's d e A N. You get ten dollars off your very first box. So every box is coming with over value. You're getting it for your very first season. And again you get so much incredible stuff. Last season has had this incredible scarf that I literally sleep with every single night, so soft. So

again that's fab fit fun dot com. And if you use promo code Dean, you get ten dollars off your very first box. So don't forget to jump on their website and subscribe, and I promise you won't regret it. So on last week's episode, we propose the question do you suck at dating if you only text the person that you're dating. We got a couple of great emails we're gonna have market the producer read a few of them for us and UH talk about them a little bit.

Thank you very much. This is from Janey. Hey Dean, I personally think that you do suck at dating if you only text the other person. Speaking from experience, things are so easily lost in translation from when texting. For example, a tone of voice can be misconstrued all the time. I also feel like it would be really difficult to connect with someone on a deeper level if you're just texting, you wouldn't be emotionally involved in each other. Um, Eric,

what do you think? Ah? Yeah, I feel like texting if you're just taking someone and you're dating him, I think that's not enough. But a relationship to be promising. I mean, I think intimate connection then you know, Brent, being someone's energy is important, don't you think. I mean, think about if we just text our whole friendship. I think to me, there are two avenues to communication within a relationship when you're not face to face with them, And a lot of it is fillers throughout the day

texting like Hey, what are you doing? I'm doing this? What are you doing? Later? I'm doing this? What are you doing for dinner? That stuff is all carried over via text. I think that there's a very important aspect of a relationship that maybe it is fleeting a little

bit nowadays, which is the phone component. Like I'm personally working on face timing a lot more because you kind of have that that obviously a face to face um, and that's kind of when you can have the deeper conversations, right, maybe you not necessarily the fluff that you have throughout the day, and just you know, hear someone's voice if you just call, the vibration of someone's voicing your ear that you love and you into can change your day. Like, man,

I just think about you all day. I just want to hear your voice. Hold on as well, you know, have a great week, great day. That's important, even if it's five minutes. And then that can lead to you know what, let's hang off this weekend and then you only have to text because I just called you for five minutes and then we made a date for the weekend because I voice. I think a lot of it boils down to what do you plan on getting out

of the dating relationship that you're in. Right. If you're looking to just date casually, then texting every day is going to basically fulfill what you're looking for. But if you're looking for a more meaningful relationship, than you want to call them and FaceTime and have those deeper conversations with them. One of the producers in the studio last week mentioned that some of the guys only text her,

but one one guy called her. She didn't answer. He left a voicemail even and that sparked her interests so much more than it would have otherwise. Instead of just texting, she heard his voice. He made the the initiative, took the initiative, made the phone call, didn't even get an answer, left a voicemail, which then allowed them to to kind of go pursue a relationship from there. So I think there's a lot to be said about moving past just the texting of it's more intimate and I'm making you

a priority through a phone call. On the text, anybody can text, but a lot of people don't talk on the phone, I personally, So I think I've talked about this in past episodes. I'm not much of a phone talker. I get whenever I got a phone call most most of me says, don't answer it, just because I don't like talking on the phone, whether even if it's just like a friend or like my brother or something like that, Like I don't really feel like talking right now. But at the end of the day, you do get a

lot more out of I'm called and just texting. So yeah, this is from Tera. Hey Dean, Hey, Hey, Tera, what's up girl? In my opinion, texting is convenient for all parties, and it's the easiest way to stay consistent. People naturally hate it when they don't get a response, so it's easy to respond through text than to find time to call.

But here's your question. When you're dating someone, is it appropriate to text or communicate with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend or any other girl guy outside of the relationship. I respect that the people I date may have friends of the opposite sex, but is it necessary to invest in conversations with people you may have had feelings for or relations with in the past. Help. I don't want to suck a relationship. I love it. That's actually a great question. I think that a lot of that comes

down to boundaries in conversations. Right. So, I personally enjoy having friendships with my former girlfriends, but I can understand how that could be off putting for someone that I'm dating. On the other hand, if a girl that I'm dating or talking to is talking to her ex boyfriend frequently, I wouldn't I would hate that. So maybe that's a silly double standard that I'm not even recognized that you voiced that if you're in a relationship, absolutely, what do

you think? Yeah, I mean, I think you gotta gotta be open. So I trust myself to trust my partner person i'm dating to say, you know what, if you've been with this person for this long, I'm gonna give you to be in a doubt to see if I can really trust you and put it on them. I think I think that comes to because I think if you're always telling not then then your insecurities are coming up. And then now you're making it hard for her to

be herself. You know, you don't want to deprive of of being her because then a relationship is like okay, and she might you know, submit to not doing that, but then she might not be feel free when she's not she was with guys. That makes sense. I think the person you're dating to be comfortable outside of you

if it's another guy involved. I think to your point, though, I trust myself with every with all those relationships, right, So say I'm talking to an ex girlfriend while I'm getting someone else, I trust myself out to give into anything that my ex girlfriend is doing or saying whatever it is. But I don't necessarily know if I can trust the other person to do the same. So maybe

that's kind of where that mindset comes for me. The question would be why I just think that if you can do the same, but you don't think they can do the same. Why, I mean I think that you just you just can't trust someone holy and so cold that and and just like it's hard to trust someone holy as as as soon as you meet them, right, you kind of have to build that trust over time. Yeah, So I don't know. I'm just saying, like I trust

myself boundaries for sure. But at the same time, I don't want to, you know, own you and say you can't just like no, live your life because it's gonna be times where I don't want you in my space and I don't want to be free and have some feminine energy. That's friends as well as that person, I think.

I think a negative quality of being a significant other is to be restricting, Right, You don't want to restrict someone from talking to someone or being like I said this want in order to be me, I have to be free free, That's that's your mantra. All right, well, thank you for writing those emails in UM, I think there's still a lot left to be said about do you suck at dating if you only tech? I think

there's a lot more layers to that. Next week we're gonna ask the question, do you suck at dating if you don't take the initiative to make plans yourself? And my perspective is I love it when someone is able to take the initiative and make plans for us because I think back to what Eric was talking about earlier. I like when someone can kind of provide structure to

the week in terms of the relationship, right. I want someone to be like, let's do dinner this day at this time, you're coming, you meet me there, pick me up, whatever it is. UM. So that's what we're gonna talk about next week. Do you suck at dating if you don't take the initiative? Email your thoughts, your concerns, your stories, whatever it is too. I suck at dating at I Heart media dot com. I'd like to give one more big thank you to Eric Bigger for being in studio today.

Thanks for having me. Also, Dane coming up and have you on my podcast. I love that out me out, figure it out. I don't know why I could help you out with I think you got me pretty much beating all areas. But you in a podcast where else? So you know what you're doing, budd, You're great at this. You're the man. I always love to hear your perspective because it is so unique, and yet you're still so passionate about it, which I just I think it's rare

to come by these days. So it's definitely great to get you in here talk about that a little bit. Um So. This was episode five of Help I Suck at Dating. I'm Dean Anglert and next week I hope to suck a little bit less. Follow Help I Suck At Dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.