#48 Brainspotting

who this person is? Okay, so it's renowned l A legendary chef Roy Choy. Now that's not the reason for the surprise. Wait, I think I do know who it is. Well, who do you think it is the reason for the surprize? Go ahead because there's a pop up hot Cheeto restaurant three days wait are you kidding me? And on the line right now. And for people that don't know, Dean Love, I tried to make a reservation at the New York

restaurant last year, didn't get to do it. I try to make a reservation at the l A restaurant this year. Book solid, Well, we have the right person that you can contact for a reservation. He's on the one right now. Roy, are you out there? Yes, you can't get home stuff like this, you guys, Oh my god. Wait we'll get to the next part of surprise at a second, but talk to Roy about this amazing thing they're doing. Roy, how are you? Will you fill us in a little

bit about what you've been doing? Yeah, Hello, I'm here right now. We're getting set up for tonight. Tonight see opening night pop up of the Flaming Hot Chee Spot

Incredible Spot restaurant. It's the three day pop up using flaming hot Cheetos and everything like everything, which just sounds like my dream restaurant, which makes me I'm so honored to have you on here with us because as anyone that follows me on Instagram or is just close to me or anyone knows, I'm obsessed with hot Cheetos, every single kind of hot Cheeto, whether it's the regular one, is the extra extra hots, the spicy lamon ones, whatever

they are. Um, tell us a little bit about maybe what inspired you for all of this stuff, because if I was a culinary artist such as you, I probably would do the exact same thing, but obviously not quite to the ability that you're able to do it. So tell us kind of where you got the inspiration all that kind of stuff from. Yeah, you gotta come by,

and we got every flavor. I think for me it was this was looking to my fun side, you know, Like I mean, I'm very I'm a very serious person, but like we all have a fun side, and this is my fun side. And what my fun side really is is Kokee and Chego. I'm out there on the streets cooking tacos and burritos and capes Sadilla's, and then at Chego we're making rice buls. So it's like, I know, the fans that love our food love hot cheetos, so it's like, let's make our food but with hot cheetos.

And that's exactly what we did. I'm sorry. You got your start with fruit trucks, right, Yeah, with Kokee, the Kokee Korean Barbecui talkbook trucks. That's awesome. And then then yeah, so now you're you're onto Cheetos, which is amazing. I'm looking at some of the entrees here, Dean has anything catching your eye, because everything is catching my eye right now. The main thing I want, I really want to try

is to flame and hot ranch wings everything. So it's flaming hot Chipotle ranch wings sounds amazing in front of mean, this is amazing. And then there's a Cheetos sweet and spicy chili meatballs. Good God in heaven. It sounds like heaven. That's really good. It's like sweet and sweet and spicy together, really good. Broy, do you like hot Cheetos? I love them. It's my number one snack. So that's just what you were like. I know, if there's a big fan cult

following up Hot Cheetos, obviously you make good food. You're like, why not combined the two and see what happens? Yeah, you know, it's like one of those things. I mean, you guys are uh entertainment. It's one of those things where like something that you're already using and if the brand contact you and want to do a clap, it's like it makes it even better. So Hot Cheetos reached out to you and they're like, hey, let's work together

and make something magical. Yeah, that's I'm so envious. Right now. There's so many feelings that are coursing through me and one of those is Envy. So that's awesome. I think I've reached out to so many times. I'm like you guys, listen, I'll be I'll be your I'll do whatever please. I'll mop the floors, I'll clean the bathroom. Just let me be part of the Hot Cheeto franchise, please, So I'll tell I'll tell the team today. Appreciate. So when is the pop up in Los Angeles? When't you guys open

doors tonight night? Uh? Huh? We opened tonight at five thirty for the next three day Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays in Hollywood, on Tonga and Franklin. So I guess it must have been a big hit and back in New York then, right in order for you guys to to bust out here on the West Coast too. Yeah, I don't know. I really didn't know too much about last year. Um, but this year is so you know whatever whatever New York was l A doing topic because it's l A right.

So you weren't you weren't part of the New York launch last year? Then huh No, this is the first year they contact me. Very cool. I'm really excited. Um, so are all three nights booked up. Yeah, they told out in like thirty minutes. That's insane. I'm looking at the three so it's a three course menu and it's between price between eleven dollars and thirty two dollars. And it's just like, where did you come up with some of these dies ideas? Like, for example, you have a

Cheetos dessert menu. I see a Cheetos sweet ohs hotcake. That's that's, you know, good of iteration right there, a Chester Cheetos truro, a hot chocolate shakes. Wait, what's the hot chocolate shake? Does that have any Cheetos in it? Yeah? It does. It's like it's like a spicy mixed a lot of chocolate milkshake. I'll be honest, I don't know if I could do that one. I think to me exclusively the crunch, and I don't think I could sip

one through a straw, but again I could be mistaken. No, we grind it up into the milkshake, so it just makes the milkshake spicy, almost like spicy chocolate. And and then we rimmed the glass like a margarita, but with crushed cheetos. Oh my god, you're telling me there's a crust Cheeto rim on this milkshake. Holy god, I've alarm Cheeto stick. That sounds good. What's Roy, what's your favorite? I think the meat balls are really really The wings

are crazy too, because it's like all layers. It's in the marinade, it's in the crust, it's dusted on top. It's really really good. That's amazing. I mean, this is the perfect date night for Dean. Uh. This is God, Dean. I wish you could you could go tell us about your experience. It sounds amazing. Well. The good thing is, though, here's the thing. If you can't make it out to l A, you can also enjoy the dishes at home. You can order all the recipes and the ingredients and

they can be delivered to your door through Amazon Fresh. Yeah, so you can get Yeah, you can download all the recipes on Cheetos, Flame and hotspot dot com. You can try them to yourself. Dean, But then you're telling me I have to do the cooking, which I'm not. And unfortunately, I think Roy's probably a little bit better chef than you are. Like, listen, I appreciate you, buddy, but I think Roy might got you be if they come, if they come pre cooked, and I'll have to do this

like throw them in the microwave. I can do that pretty easily, pretty good, Master microL waver Um. Well we can speak you guys, if you really if we really want to come, right, I really want to come, Well let's go. I'll put your name at the door. It's like the club. Put me on the left. You're talking to the right guy. Roy. Are you going to be there all three nights? Yes, I will, amazed saying all right, cool, Well,

we'll be on the lookout. Like I said, I definitely want to show up if I If I show up and I get pushed away, at least I can say I was there and I tried. But it sounds delicious. Like I said, I'm I'm a freak for lame chios. There are very few things in this world that I'm passionate about, and I swear Flamecheas is one of them. Oh man, we're gonna get too in. I'll have this team reached out to you. Right. I got a quick question for you too. You're so you're affiliated with the

two dozen fourteen movie chef. Can you talk a little bit about that? Because I heard that was loosely based on your on your life. Yeah, I don't I don't know if it was based on my life, but it's probably what I did for a living with influence. But it was John script through and through and um he first brought me on just to be a culinary consultants, but we ended up becoming really really good friends and uh we just inseparable and he just brought me in

all the way to the process. So you're good friends with John Favon now, yeah, Yeah, that's badass because I'm a huge fan and big iron Man and iron Man too fan. I'll let him, no, yeah, I'll merge them into this call. Don't you tease me like that. You're just making all sorts of dreams come true. Today, I feel like awesome. Well, so yeah, for the listeners out there, Like Jared said earlier, Roy CHOI has the pop up Flame and Hot Cheeto restaurant in Los Angeles for the

next three days from tonight and through September. Uh. Full three course meals, all encompassing Flame and Hot Cheetos. I'm I'm crossing my fingers. I'm I'm praying to the Flame and Hot Cheeto God's above that I can show up and hopefully you get see um and we'll see what happens.

But but again, like Jared said earlier too, if you can't make it to the restaurant, uh, they did partner with Amazon Fresh and you can order all of the Flame and Hot dishes to your house by ordering the recipes on Amazon fresh dot com, so be sure to check them out. Um. Well you're the man. Thank you so much for calling in. I'm thank you for what you're doing for the world by creating these dishes that are delicious. Um, keep doing the the incredible things that

you do. And like I said, I really hope I can. I can squeeze myself into the staught and sit down and enjoy some of your fresh cooked meals. All right, thank you guys. Here the man take care, all right, thanks Roy? All right, all right, well, I know the thing is, we have all this food that's staring in front of us right now. I'm eating. Let's take a break and then we'll eat, and then we'll come back and tell everybody how it was here first flaming hot

chicken wing you guys, let's hear it. It's it's not warm, it's cold in my hands. But last week, Oh my god, I'm not even exaggerating a little bit. This is the best thing that I've ever had in mind, in my mouth and my entire not even the slightest bit of exaggeration with that. All right, let's see it and we'll be back in a minue. Oh my god, No, I don't want to stop. So Dean is actually currently still

eating the Cheetos. He can't get enough. It's I mean, I gotta say, the wings in the corner of the cob is pretty incredible, so I can't blame him. But in the meantime, we do have a special guest on the phone right now. We have Samantha Hess, who is the owner of Cuddle Up to Me. Samantha, Hello, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me. No, I appreciate it. So, Samantha, tell us a little bit about yourself. You are a professional cuddler. What does that mean? So

I'm technically now a master cuddler? Is Is there a difference between a professional and a master cuddler? Yes? So, uh, technically certified cuddler is what we call ourselves here. As we go through a forty hour certification process and then a master cuddler is someone who's completed that forty hour program and then completed at least two hundred and fifty session hours two hundred and fifty session hours of cuddling.

Who are you cuddling with? So our clients are anyone eighteen and over, men and women, married, single, everything in between. Everybody has moments where they just need a hug. So what got you into being a master cuddler? So I was one of these genius people that married my high school sweetheart, which surprised surprise, didn't turn out so well. Sorry, for more than a decade of like complete lack of touch in my life, I decided that I needed to matter too, and so I left my ex husband and

I decided to be a person. And at the age of twenty eight, I decided to go and uh strike it out on my own and kind of figure out how the world works. And then I was on Facebook one day and I saw this stree hugs guy article who gets pumped into lux hugs two dollars. I had just been hit on by like all of my male friends. I was not expecting it, and I realized that paying for hugs made it safe for me because I could

dictate what the rules were. And so I decided there needed to be a Starbucks for hugs, and why wasn't that available? So I decided to make it a thing. Wow. So that's incredible. So you're so you're married to your high school sweetheart? Yes? Um? And so how was that relationships? Wow? Wow? Um? And then so you got out of that and needed some cuddles. And so now that you're a master cuddler, is there like a technique that you personally like to use? Like can you tell us a little bit about the

way you cuddle and like what's better and what's worse? Totally? So, I love cushy cuddles. I don't like when people are nervous they're afraid to like just get in there. That's my personal style. Um, you know, for work, it's I'm whatever somebody needs. But yeah, we do have seventy eight different cuddle poses that I can take people through. Seventy eight different cuddle poses. Holy crap, that's a lot of I mean, I'm a big cuddle don't get me wrong.

There's nothing that I enjoy more than you know, ordering in cuddling and watching house Hunters. Um, but that's so interesting, Like, what are the different Can you just run through some different techniques that you might use on a day to day basis of cuddling, for sure. So there's a tandem bike, which is a like a version of spooning essentially. There's a gummy worm, which is the squishiest cuddle pos of all time. There's a Mama Bear, which is a stated

post where you use someone like a human being bag chair. Yeah, stuff like that. Yeah, I never knew that, everybody. I seriously, I never knew there's so much thought to put into cuddling. So people go to your website who want to be cuddled, and they can choose their cuddler. I was just looking at it right here. They choose their cuddler, and then the chosen cuddler will travel to them and you pay them for their time. We actually were retail space in Portland,

but we do also offer outbound sessions as well. Oh I see, so people come in and do this. Yeah. So do you ever get hired and you show up and you're like, I have to cuddle this person? Yeah, it happened. Yet I'm somebody who just believes in people. I don't know, I'm sort of ridiculous about it. I think that off sometimes people are kind of treated as predators in today's society, and I like to give them that opportunity to prove that. But not, we shouldn't assume

that people. No, we shouldn't assume that. But it is a dangerous world to live out there, and so how do you keep not The first question that comes to mind is how do you keep your cuddlers safe? Because if these people are like I'm assuming that, is it more men or women that get ordered from your company? I'm assuming women? So yeah, professional cuddling is definitely a women driven industry. There's not much to man for male cuddlers at this point. Well, do you find that more

men are ordering cuddlers or more women? Uh? So, our business does have a pretty close to fifty split, but most of the industry is mostly men. So it's mostly men ordering women, correct, Yes, So how do you keep your women safe? There? That's where the training program comes in. We have you know, they have to go through so many things to learn how to protect themselves while also

not creating shame or judgment for the clients. It's often we're guiding people through this very new concept of posonic touch. You know, we're not taught how to touch each other without sexual intention in our adult lives, So we could teach people that. That's really great, Yeah, because you talk about how your mission is it's time to change the

taboo around touch and engage in meaningful conversations around consent. Now, I'm curious about that because in my my past, you know, cuddling is definitely a precursor to more intimate uh moments between the two people that are cuddling. So what would you say about that? I think that there's a great way to use cuddling, but it's not the only way. I think that we kind of missed out on this whole part of like what kids get to experience, and

it's something we still need as adults. It's this like basic concept of human connection and cuddling is one of the quick, quickest and easiest ways for us to recognize that we exist in other people us as well, and we kind of need that to know that we matter and that we are esteemed just as we are. No,

I agree. I mean, physical touch is a big love language of mine and I personally believe in it very much that uh, you know, some people just desire even just holding hands or having their arm, you know, put around somebody else. They really crave it um and so that's very interesting. And so like for you being a cuddle master, like what is master cuddler, master cuddler? Excuse me? Like what does it do for your Like it's hard to real articulate when we're gonna try to ask, how

does it make you feel? You know, like, what kind of honestly fulfillment do you get from it? I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do any other job anymore, because you know, I do look to five hours of sessions a day, and so my serotone and the whole kind of maxed out a lot. And so we get what we call the the oxytocin high or the cuddle high, where you just get this like kind of view for a feeling. It's like being high without drugs. It's amazing.

And there's no sorry to go back to my earlier point about people being gross, there's no body order problems, there's no sweat problems that are just kind of not something you want to cuddle in that moment. Sometimes there are we do have a hygiene requirement in our waiver and some people have to do their best. But you know, if somebody is severely a beast, they may not smell super great, even if they've just taken a shower. You know, these kinds of things do happen. Are people who smoke.

You know that you've definitely been cuddling someone when they maybe tried to kiss you or maybe their hands started to wander a little bit, and you you're you're you know how to handle that situation. You've been trained, right, Yeah, because of the training, we know how to redirect people without they're actually knowing what we're doing. Just smack them across the face and storm out. No. Yeah, I've seriously never had to end the session early. People have been

very good about it. And how many sessions have you done? I'm over a hundred and fifty thousand minutes to paid professor cuddling, not including the train team, the troupe done. So what is the weirdest experience that you've had? Oh? You know, I would love to share a billion stories with you, but we have confidentiality. I know, why did I even ask? I know? All right? So how do if people want to out there want to cuddle, where

do they go? So we have two options. If they're in Portland, Oregon, we're cuddle up to Me dot com. If there are anywhere else, we're at Certified Cuddlers dot com. And so are you international? Is this uh within the country? Like you can order anywhere people in Germany and Austria, in a few different places throughout the world. And we're getting out there. That's incredible and and and I mean

that's incredible. I just think it's so interesting for me because I think I've always used cuddling as more of a you know, a personal intimate thing, and so it's interesting to know that people just kind of crave human touch so much that they're willing to pay for somebody to cuddle with them. Um. I mean, good for them, that's incredible. Good for you coming up with this, this this company. I mean, it's such an interesting idea and

very obscure and unique and original. Um. I've never seen anything like it, the idea of paying for someone to cuddle with you. But you know, you just need cuddles sometimes. Dean is back from eating right now, and he's he's a big cuddler. I love cuddling. I will say these exist. Um in Japan I think I didn't get to experience on myself, but I think they're like cuddling hotels. Those

they started in Japan about twenty years ago. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, it's great there you can actually pay to you someone's is your pillow. You can't do that in the state. Yeah. Yeah, well, Samanthan, thank you so much for coming in. We really appreciate it. And definitely everybody whoever wants to cuddle out there, need somebody out there, please check out Certified Colors dot com. I'm a little sad I wasn't here for this entire conversation.

Now we were sad too. This sounds like it just sounds read at my you're too busy in did you guys talk about big spoon little spoon etiquette? Well, well no, but that's fun. You didn't get into that. She didn't call what did you call it? You didn't call it spooning, you called it something else. Tandem b hand. That's actually pretty good. Just the seats are really close to each

other on the standard bicycle. Apparently the position I use a lot is uh the hunter twice seven hours where my my wife and I are cuddling and then she falls asleep and m to know my arm off to go to work. And funny, I have a YouTube video called how to Spoon. It will teach you how to resolve all those Oh yeah, what's the YouTube channel name? Cuddle Up to Me Perfect? We'll check it out. I will say so, I think I might be in the minority on this, but I love, love, love being little spoon. Now.

I like being a little a little bit my favorite thing in the world, like so much. Everybody likes being a little yeah, you know what, And it's kind of it stinks that men are always expected to be the big spoon. We need to break down this gender nom you like being a big spoon? I do. I like all of them though, Can I get your phone number? Just kidding too much? Too much? Um, well, that's that's awesome. Yeah, Samantha,

thank you so much for coming in. Definitely, guys, check out certified Colors dot com if you want to be small spoon, little spoon, or just the Tanna bicycle. You know, it's always up to interpretation. Samantha, Thank you so much. Thank you. By Samantha. What's the edigette on spooning? On cuddling towards each other. Well, I don't think there is an etiquette because you're kind of fifty fifty in that point,

aren't you Like big spoon, little spoon. Little spoons obviously better, but if you're facing towards each other, it's very equal.

So I had an X who every night we want to sleep together, we always fell asleep facing each other, and at first I was like, this is kind of cute, it's romantic, but then like six months in, it's just like I was like, why do we policy facing each other if you're at the issues eventually the breathing breath, and you can't like fully embrace someone like in a hug if you're facing them, because like your legs are bending into each other, and how can you sleep? Dude?

Screw that. Yeah, it's always it's like nice being in committed relationship now because like you have your cuddle time, but you also know, okay, bedtime to see you, like I'll day in the morning. So we're all going to

Vegas this weekend. Dean, You're going, I'm going, Nick's going, Ashley's going, well, it's going wells Ben, pretty much the entire Bachelor crew guys, We're going to Vegas for the I Heart Music Festival this weekend and you can come hang out with us at Planet Hollywood Resort and Cansino. You visit the Scene pool deck located on the sixth floor. You can party all afternoon. You can come test your surfing skills on the floor Rider. You're gonna ride the

floor Rider. I love the flow d last year and it literally is my favorite thing. You're good at it. Maybe the second favorite thing behind Hot Cheetos is the flow Rider. Can you imagine being on the floor Rider with one of those Hot Cheetos wings in your hand. Talk about a dream come true that needs to happen this weekend. It's at the Las Vegas Trip. Only freestanding. It's the only freestanding wave machine on the Las Vegas Trip. It's at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. You can visit

the Cafe Hollywood. It's right down the casino. There's breakfast, launch dinner. We're serving whatever you desire. Will not I'm not I won't be serving it, but the nice people a Planet Hollywood will be. It's twenty four hours a day, features all newly renovated rooms. There's massive suites with dazzla dazzling Center Strip views. When you stay at Planet Hollywood, the celebrity lifestyle is yours for the living, and fame lies at every corner. You can experience the epicenter of

the A list entertainment in Las Vegas. When you visit the Zappos Theater at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino, guys, come hang out. We're all going to be a Planet Hollywood this weekend. Check out Planet Hollywood Resort dot com if you want to stay there with us. If you're around Planet Hollywood between the hours probably eleven am and

seven pm, I would say odds are pretty good. I'll be on that floor right you go on the floor rider, either the blackjack table or the floor rider go jackob Honestly, those are the two places I'll be. Oh in my Hiding Music festival too, which is kind of held for we're gonna barely dabble into that and we're gonna be on the floor rider eating Cheetos wings the entire I'm excited you're coming this year because you weren't there last year. I was this my first I Heart Festival. Nice, I'm

pretty excited. Yeah, you didn't do um um jingle ball. I did jingle ball. But this is my first I Heeart festival in Vegas. Oh nice, okay, but Sin timber Lake, Carrie Underwood, Shown Mendez, Kago, Mariah Carry, Imagined Dragon, Sam Smith, Kelly Clarkson, Logic, Luke, Bryan Panic at the Disco, Jack White, Leonard Skinner, Fleetwood, Mac, Jason Aldeen and Ra What a lineup Dean Angular Jared Haven. We've been right in. Yeah, I'm super talented. Um okay, So next up? We had

her on last week? Was it last week? Two weeks ago? Um? We talked about brain spotting a little bit back in studio, Hally, Thank you, Haley. It's very nice meeting you. I think this is the first time we've met, right, yes, yes, well, thank you for coming in for the second stree week. So Haley and I just met um in a back like a little office area. That sounded bad one on one for a little bit. And we're a therapy session.

We're a therapy session. Jared. It only sounds bad because you just said it sounds no. I have We've been talking about cuddling for a half an hour. Exactly where do you think of My head is at? My head still on flow Rider and two d but never a bad place. Um. So we had her on last week and we discussed brain spotting and some I guess just therapeutic of like processes that we can go through as individuals.

But she is so kind that you decided to come in and be here in person and do some brain spotting, uh, and get to the root of with the issues, the many issues that I have, and I just kind of see what unfolds, I guess, right, So, do you want to say hi to the listeners again and kind of reintroduce yourself real quick? Yeah. So, Haley Hewett, I'm a marriage and family therapist up in the Bay Area and I come down here once a month to see clients.

Specializations are in trauma and family systems and working through the body, so working with the body to heal. So what we're gonna do is, um, Hailey is going to do some of her brain spotting techniques with me. We're going to go over some of my physical reactions more so than my emotional sensations, or start my physical sensations rather than my emotional reactions. Can you guys talk about how you just what you just talked about, is that

kind of off limits? Yes? So just to clarify, I'm here just to do a demonstration with Dean, who is ready and willing, and it's really wonderful that you're doing this and others can kind of witness. It's a newer modality of treat meant so it stemmed after E. M. D R, which is very UM successful in treating trauma

and just anything you know, depression, anxiety and so on. UM. And so we clarified something called a statement of focus, which I'll have you read, and then UM a resource statement, and we'll use those two statements to do the brain spotting in UM the studio, and I'll kind of be talking out loud about what we'll be doing so listeners can understand. And then Dean, can I ask you what you want her to help with enough? Okay, yes, of course,

I don't know. I don't know what this kind of really we're gonna It's it's a little awkward for me because I do feel like I'm almost hosting the podcast but also overstepping my boundaries because I don't want to cross any limits that you guys want to talk about don't want to talk about. I mean, as far as

I'm considered, there are no limits that can be crossed. Okay, So we did establish a statement of focus in the in the one on one session we just had, which we'll basically tell you and the listeners what I feel like I need to identify and continue to work on. Okay, great, Yes, And just in brief, brain spotting school is to bypass the conscious neocortical thinking, so you access the deeper subcortical, emotional,

and body based parts of the brain. What is subcortical subcortical, So it's deeper, it's within the brain, stem our, nervous systems, or bodies beyond the frontal cortex. And before before we go further this, I just I want to say that I love this type of therapy, like neuroscience and the brain is also interesting to me. Um. I read a few books about this. Granted every other word I don't understand, so most of it goes directly over my head, but

I find it so fascinating. And whenever she Hailey talks about this type of stuff, you can tell that she it's comes from place of incredible depth of knowledge, which I think is fantastic. A lot of times you's like you see the and Mark nose like the pseudosciences that kind of come from places where I don't necessarily agree with. So this type of stuff, in my opinion, is much more legitimate and I can I I just appreciate it more. Yeah,

And they're doing research on it. You know, it was formed in two thousand and three, and so like M d R, it's different. CULTU qualitatively measure this sort of work. You know, CBT is a common one that's easy to measure because there's homework and you scale and measure, but they're working on measuring how it actually has an efficacy. And what is CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy. Change your thoughts, change your life. That's in essence, okay, thinking, change your behavior.

So um, what we'll be doing is we'll be using a little teacher pointer here. It looks like one of those extendable teacher pointers, and we'll be moving through different quadrants on left and the right sides. Um, focusing eventually on one spot. And he has headphones in with bilateral music. So um, David grand has free bilateral music on Spotify.

Just search brain spotting or David Grant and you can check it out, or you know YouTube bilateral or binaural music, and it alternates between the left and the right hemispheres of the brain, so it's engaging the left and the right, left and the right. Is it like a particular type of music. It's just soothing, calming, ambient music, not words, just you know, ocean sounds with a little guitar totally. And for our listeners out there, Dean is currently putting

those headphones on as we speak. And then Haley has a pointer that looks exactly like your fourth grade teacher in science would have. And as she points to the chalkboard, oh, and it extends. It's like three ft in length. Just don't whack Dean in the head with it. That's all. So we will be making the statement of focus, which we already did so typically these sessions take longer, but

we're condensing it for the sake of the demonstration. So we will state his um you know, summary of his work, and then he'll start um scaling his experience with the subjective unit of distress scale, which some of you have a handed out. It scales from zero to one hundred, one hundred being panic attack intolerable so much adrenaline and

zero being baseline calm. And so he'll be scaling his experience from zero to one hundred as it vacillates, and using some physical sensations, describing the physical sensations happening vis early in his body as we move through the statement of focus, and so you know, we'll move from there into then the resource statement that he made, and he'll be scaling with a resource scale from zero to one being so calm and happy and comforted and soothed, zero

being distressed. And so he'll scale that um and then we'll do a little process at the end and see what came up for you nervous? How do you know you're nervous? I can just feel it on my chest. What's the sensation of a vacuous feeling? Maybe like an emptiness? Good. So he's already starting to work on describing experience. So let's just take a moment and turn inward. You can close the eyes or take a soft vocal gaze on an unmoving point, and just begin to notice the breath

as it moves in and out of the nostrils. Maybe take a seat right behind the nose and the upper lip, just witnessing the breath move in and out and the thoughts are going to be moving and playing, and you're just going to keep returning your attention to your breath,

and we're going to get his music started here. What Dean doesn't know is that I actually put a full list of Rob Thomas in Matchbox twenty instead of this soothing MUSICMX actually put Rob Zombie on the good So before we move in, Um, what are you noticing right now? Zero to one hundred one being you know, very stressed. What would you scale I'm probably a twenty three, So twenty three on his distress scale there, meaning I have minimal anxiety slash distress. Thank you great, and so I

will have you read your statement of focus. Okay, so this is a statement of focus we put together behind doors, closed doors. This is gonna feels it feels weird to say. Okay, Well, as you say, it's stay in touch with what's happening on a visceral level in your body. I'm struggling fine purpose in my life. I'm guilty of not taking the proper steps to deal with what happened to me thus far.

That has been difficult. I have guilt over not realizing the impact of some of my childhood experience on myself as an adult, I can't give myself in relationships because I'll be hurt if I don't let others help me and just rely on myself, then there won't be the possibility of being let down by someone else. So he's externalized this internal cognitive process that I'm curious just in reading that, what are you noticing? I would say I probably went up to like a forty in terms of

this the stress thermometer, M. How do you know? I can just feel the anxiety in my chest go up a little bit, a little bit more, anxious, a little bit more. I don't know, stressed out? I guess so. Um, given he's out of forty, that's what worst where we will start. So he'll keep his gaze on the point and it's an unmoving point and it's to the right about two ft in front of him. And so where would you now scale zero that statement of focus and

that sensation of tightness and anxiety in your chest? Well, what's going down a bit since it's passed, so I'm probably down to a thirty. Okay, we'll shift now over to his left. Now zero to how would you scale the sensation in your chest as well? As the statement. Mm hmmm, s down to twenty. Uh what was the first one? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. So I am struggling to find a purpose in my life. I'm guilty of not taking proper steps to deal with what happened to me.

Do you want me to read the whole? S No, I can read it for you. And I can't give myself a relationship because I will be hurt if I don't let others help me and just rely on myself, then there won't be the possibility of being let down by others. So we have a thirty, we have a twenty, and then how about right here in the middle, we have the point? Umty okay, yeah, So we're going to stay on the point where it's the highest. I'm going

to stay over here to your right. You want to you want to give me the distress, that's right, that's right. So we're safely accessing the distress in a containment, right in a container, so you have the ability to allow for it to come up and sit with it, and then eventually it will start to change. So I want you to focus your attention on the point, okay, and keep your gaze on the point. And I want you

to just continue shifting. You know, your attention through the details of the painful experiences that have contributed to your statement of focus. Something you've been stuck around or felt upset about. So the brain as he's looking is just processing. It's just rapidly moving and processing different thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the intensity will go up and then so where did you say? It's zero, one hundreds? Still right, thirty m So just stay with that. Can you describe some

physical sensations you're having in your body? I think physically I'm much more relaxed. It feels weird or relaxed. I'm sorry, it feels weird looking to my right and thinking about these things. I don't know why. It just this doesn't feel natural. Um, it's intense. Just just stay on one point, similar to like the eye contact thing. I struggle with

eye contact. So it's like, I mean, this is easier because obviously one's looking directly back at me, but uncomfortable, and just stay with that, stay with the discomfort, just observing whatever is coming up. So thoughts, feelings, all without judgment. Notice, if any memories or thoughts come up, do you want me to talk about them? Yeah? If it feels. Okay, Well, it's pretty much everything that we've discussed in the SEF. I'm thinking about, like what am I gonna be doing

in two years? I kind of don't necessarily to think about the beast so much, so I'm thinking about the stressors that are still laying out there somewhere. You know what happens when you think about the past. I dismiss it, And in terms of how I feel, I think I've gotten used to blazing over it to the point where I don't necessarily that it affect me very much emotionally anymore. So something that I'm noticing that I'll point out for listeners. Um, and you can tell me what your thoughts are, is

your right arm is twitching? Are you aware of that? I did not know that. So these sorts of body ticks or movements are the body discharging energy, just moving and releasing energy? So, um, for the sake of time, we're going to shift gears. Are you zero one? Have you shifted at all? Still right around? Well, I guess I'm left at forty. Now it's increased. Okay, let's just allow for that, you know, forty to be present. Is

it still a tightness? Or anxiousness in your chest. Well, now I'm focusing on my m all right, So just allow it, no attempts to change, just noticing what's happening. So, because it's gone up for him, now we're going to shift into a resource spot. So what we'll do is have him read his resource statement and we'll shift the gaze point where the pointer is to a different spot, typically on the opposite quadrant. And so I'll have you read your resource statement. My resource statement says, I have

time to define my purpose. I'm on my path and will continue to discover the things that are meaningful to me. I'm working to understand and heal myself in order to open up in relationships. I am integrating my past into my presence and trusting myself and this journey. I'm taking the proper steps to heal myself and grow my experiences as an adult. I now realized the impact of the losses I experienced and am giving myself space to integrate

those losses into my life with vulnerability and strength. What are you noticing in your body as you made that statement? Feel good? I feel strong and powerful. Um now I do feel better. I noticed you rolled your shoulders back on opening your chest. Yea, it's I do agree with these whole like affirmative statements about yourself, and that's something that I've known I need to work on a little bit more so saying things like that, it definitely makes you feel a little bit more at ease. Yes, that's

the hypnotism piece, right. The hypnotist was saying, you manifest what you state, right, I want this rather than I don't want m I think a lot of people do that, right, Like. It's the whole idea of about like talking about your insecurities and when you start doing that, you project them on others and they start believing it. So the same thing conversely goes with you. You start projecting confidence about yourself,

people will start believing it, and so will you. So let's just stay on the spot just for a moment, here your resource spot. I have time to define my purpose. I'm on my path and continue to discover the things that are meaningful to me and working to understand and here myself in order to open up in a relationship. So from zero one hundred, looking at that point now being the most resourced, most comforted, how does that feel? It's not it shifts, so high is good. High is

good mm hmm. And name a resource spot in your body, So a place in your body that feels comforted, soothed, resourced. I guess my back feels good. This chair is very comfortable, and so it's like, I don't know, very comfortable chairs. And I've noticed a couple of times again with the rolling of the shoulders back. So this sort of opening sense of empowerment maybe in your heart, in your chest, sense of h yeah, comfort m hm okay, so yeah.

So in essence, I think we, you know, can just kind of process a little bit here, um for the sake of time. So in essence, what we were doing with him was expanding his window of tolerance. So your ability to sit with distress and not you know, be

so fearful of it. In the world, I think what happens is we tend to hang out in the place of three to seven um, and some people can go eight, nine to ten and it can feel overwhelming, or some can just baseline go flat, um, you know, top down management, which is like we go into rational thinking, we minimize

our experience and our feelings um. And so this sort of therapy gives you um an opportunity, with the safety and support of someone else, to be able to go into difficult experience and stay with it within the body, rather than just sit in a room and talk about your experience and not necessarily make that mind body connection that's necessary to really unroote what we store in our bodies. So what was that experience like for you? It was good?

I have a question, don't do you just think there's any type of utility and people being too hard on themselves like they could benefit. Yes, So our self critic is developed early in our lives as a way to help us stay safe, right, don't cross that street, don't touch the hot hands. So initially, earlier in our lives, it's a way to help keep us safe. But as we enter into our twenties and older, I think it's really hard work, and it's really important work to start

to not listen to the self critic Um. It's important to do our best, of course, you know, you know, show up for our lives and for our relationships, but to do it from a place of criticism is constrictive. So how does one do that? How does one get out of that mode of thinking? So you could think of it like a bus, right, we have you know, internal family systems. It's all the different parts of ourselves, our internal child, our internal critic, our internal perfectionists, all

these different parts. So if you're not allowing for the critic to drive the bus and thinking about yourself as parts of like, Okay, that's just a part of myself. That's a part of myself that wants me to do well. So you kind of thank the critic, like, thank you critic for helping me do my best and show up. And right now it's not helpful for me, so adapting that sort of compassionate approach to it of like and

right now I don't need that. So one of the things that I think I'm most critical of myself or about myself is as we discussed as well before, is I don't allow myself to be emotional like I'm I'm aware of all of the things that I know I need to work on, but I think that I struggled to find that compassion within myself, and from what I've experienced, people can skew one of two ways, where it's you

can skew logical or you can skew emotional. And I think that on that scale, I skew to a fault too far to the logical side, which makes it hard for me to connect with the people that skew more on the emotional side of things. And I think when that comes to relationships, that's been a kind of a fall short of mine as well. So how do I work on that where I can kind of bring that

needle more towards the middle of logic and emotion. Mm hmm. See, so that's the top down management, right, going into rational thinking, UM, minimizing awareness of feelings and body sensations um. And I'll say that is a useful strategy and an emergency or crisis. And I know we briefly talked a little bit about some of the things he's you know, witnessed in his

lifetime around people dying. You know, when you pretend you know can I may say, you know, you witnessed a friend get hit, and I mean it was like a really gory accident, and anyone would suffer for post traumatic stress for that, um and then losing your mother and then you know, also another friend to an overdose. So those three events, you know, in the face of crisis, you were able to just like okay, I'm gonna be logical,

I'm gonna manage, I'm gonna keep it together. But then that becomes a habitual way of being in the world. So in relationship, it becomes kind of how you relate in the face of intense emotion. Um. And so what I would encourage is see what happens if you stay. So see what happens if you stay and lean in as I said last week, to the discomfort of course,

have good boundaries. So you know, when it's a partner and there's a lot of emotion there and you don't know how to help, it's okay to say, you know what, I let's take a break. I need a little time out here to resource myself. Go get someone or go get some tea, maybe go for a walk so you feel resourced enough. Um. But you know, we talked about

I heard on this podcast ghosting. Ghosting has been a theme lately, and the whole lessons of ghosting is because people are too uncomfortable to have that conversation or they're like, oh, it's just better if I don't say anything because it

will be too hard or uncomfortable. So it's all about distressed tolerance, expand your window of tolerance, be with discomfort, keep doing your therapy, and your therapeutic you know container where you have the safety of one other person and the privacy to be able to deepen and go into the emotions. And it's all about embodied presence practices. So we talked about yoga, UM, these practices where dance, we're

in our bodies. We have the presence in our bodies um and it, you know, allows for us to develop an attuned awareness of our somatic self beyond the thinking, because we are more than our thoughts. If we were just our thoughts and I were to say I'm a bad person, does that mean I'm a bad person, because not necessarily. It was last week as well. You said we're more than just our thoughts, and I kind of disagreed with you because I think that's really all we

are is our thoughts. Oh, I see, I disagree with you. Well, and I was just all my thoughts. I God be in a bad place, right, But what are you If you're not your own thoughts? You are you are your actions. Your thoughts and your actions are two very different things. Okay, so you can think one thing. Have you ever thought

you wanted to kill somebody. I don't think so you've never had not like legitimately, but you've never really thought like somebody pissed you off to the effect where you're like, god, I oh god, I even not punched them in the face. You've never had that feeling that on your head. We're like, that person pissed me off so much, I want to punch them in the face. But you didn't punch him in the face because you rationalize your thought and able we're able to calm yourself but then not act on

your thoughts. Okay, but you're not the thought of punching him in the face. You're the thought of reasoning with yourself to then get over the idea of punching him in the face. So then you become the person that doesn't punch him in the face exactly, which is the person you are. But the thought of actually doing I don't know. You've never like because I disagree with you in that sense. What about what about your heart? What about your spirit? What about your you know, um gut like,

what about who you are? Sprain? I don't know. I just think that at all, if it starts here, I agree with you of our serotonin is released in our guts, the happy chemical one transmitters, so they're discovering more that actually our gut is a brain and our heart is sentient and intelligent too, So we might have three brains. Where's the third heart gut in the actual brain? Okay, um, well, heyy, thank you so much for coming in. I know this must be I think it's probably more challenging for you

because it's more expedited than like a regular full session. Yeah, typically your brain spotting session should be fifty minutes to an hour and a half, and so you know, we had to really condense it. And of course this was a demonstration. It wasn't a therapy session because this, you know, therapeutically, it's appropriate to do it with um, the support of just a counselor one on one so that you feel safe to really go there. But I felt much more comfortable back when it was just us too, that on

all these jamos were in studio with us. So maybe next time you're in that we can do a one on one full session. And yeah, you're just hackling the entire time, peanuts. His eyes were closed, smacking him with a little point. Um, So what's next for you go back to San Francisco. Back to San Francisco this evening, my short, little flighty easy trip. Cool. Well, if we don't have you in studio, we'll have you on the phone, and next time you're in Los Angeles, give us a call.

We'll just individual sessions with you. We'll do some couples therapy there you go, Okay, do you actually ever consider I know it doesn't seem like you probably need it, but would you ever consider it? Um, of course we would consider it, but it's really just not necessary right now. I mean, I don't want to say it's not necessary in case, you know whatever, but it's just not something that we would do right now. We talk a lot about everything, so pat she is a very emotional person.

It's very emotional, and then I'm very receptive, and then she's and then she also conversely is able to get things out of me that I have very difficult time talking about. Yeah, that dynamics kind of like what you were talking about. So I love these said receptive. So being receptive and yet not trying to fix, not trying to change her, not trying to fix her, but just being attuned and receptive to her. Oh, I'm never going to fix Ashley, and she will never fix you. She

doesn't need to be fixed. She's perfect. That's right. You. On the other hand, maybe not. I got a lot

of work to do, maybe progress. But that was the point that I was trying to make because I think I askew too hard to the logical side of things that this allows me to I guess even like move a little bit towards emotion, get out of your head a little bit and deeper than emotion actually, because our feelings are emotions are are cognitive to thoughts and feelings, so it's actually more visceral body based you're getting in

your sensation. I gotta talk to my gut a little bit more, I think, okay, I'll work on that through the active meditation. All right, well, thank you again for coming in. It's always a pleasure. I'll be honest. I I'm not gonna say it actually, so i'll say it, and I'm probably gonna get some backlash for this. From our phone call yesterday, I thought that you were going to be like, you're very articulate and intelligence and you

have a very soothing voice. I was like, this old lady, so wise, beyond her years, and now will come to find out what you're in your your twenties, and so you're even wiser beyond the years. And I thought you already wise beyond Wow crazy. That's kind, thank you. I'm an old soul. Um. Anyways, you have a website, yes, yes, it's Hitt m FT dot com h g W I T t R m FT. And you don't have an

Instagram Nope. I I don't believe in social media. It creates the dopamine surge in the brain that contributes to addiction. Maybe I should delete my Instagram. I don't believe in social media either. And yet here we are. Well you use it to make money? Wow? More than that? Well yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's it's you know, if it's your you know, livelihood. If you use it for work, that's one thing. But

I choose not to s markt through. Well, you can't find her on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, but you can definitely find her on the internet, Haley M Sorry Hewett m FT dot com. Uh. And it's h E W I T T okay, just like Packard Hewett Hewett Packard. No, that's Hewlett, like Hewlett Packard, not like that guy. Anyways, j check it out, and Haley, we'll circle back with you at a later date and we'll see everyone's doing the Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you Haley.

Great having Haley back in here. It is good to meuter face to face. That was nice. We got emails so well, before we get to emails, I know it's coming up. Okay, good, We got on scrubbing in. We got Tanya's point of view on the date with Dean, and now we need to get Dean's point of view on the date with date. All right, Can I get a little preface because I wasn't here, so there was like a conversation between you and telling you that you guys were going on a date. Dean's mouth is full

of sugar bear hair. So I will say this because I need the sound of people eating on microphone. It's a pet peeve. He asked her out. He legitimately asked her out. He asked her out without any kind of you know, preconceptions, any kind of tongue in cheek. There was nothing like that. He legitimately asked her out, and she was very questioning of it, and what are your motivations? And now you just playing with me because we've been

friends for a long time. But he was like, no, I really want to take you out on a date. And she eventually relented and said yes. I broke her down because her her guard is up. So he picked her up at six thirty last Wednesday. Uh, they went to Elefante. They were denied I make a reservation for the date. So I tried to make a reservation. They were all booked up. They said, if you guys want to try and come to the bar, we might have seating for you. So we showed up at Elfhante obviously

sure enough, they didn't have any seating. Um. So No. One Garden is like a two block walk away, and it's actually much nicer. It's like a rooftop. You can kind of overlook and see the street. We think that they weren't dressed nicely enough for Ellafante. We're both in jeans and a T shirt. They're going to a concert, Yeah, okay, we're concert Betty who? So she just a pure concert on Wednesday night, sin cinema. Betty who was actually really funny.

Who the funny thing is about this? I was thinking this on the way here is It's such a funny thing to go on a date, especially with Tanya, because not only does she talk about it on Scrubbing In with you guys, he talks about in Ronsea Christ in the Morning, which is just so easy for me to find access to and listen to. And I'm like, I'm listening to her talk about a date that she went on with me. Just it's just kind of funny and weird,

very it's a really good plug for the podcast. I can't complain it's um, but I mean, the date went well. What did she did she say anything on scrubbing in or on the Secret Show that that really piqued her interest that you thought, Oh that's interesting. I didn't know she felt that way. Um, I think on scrubbing and she said something along the lines up, I was thinking about him over the weekend, which it's weird. It's not weird.

It was very sweet. It's very sweet, she said, So she was thinking about you over the weekend after the day, Yes, did you guys? All right, hold on, let's hear the about the day. I want to hear your version of the date. I picked her up at six thirty on the dot. Okay, she said so right on time. Um, we drove to Elfhante valid my car. Obviously we can get an elephante. So we walked down to Sonoma, had a glass of wine and some hummus and uh a

salad beat salad. You know I love salad. Uh. And then we walked down to the pier and watch Betty who finished her set. She had like three songs left. And I don't really know anybody whose songs, but Tanya is a big fan, so it was fun to see her in her element. We kind of danced around for a little bit. You did not hold hands. We there was a point where we were like she like reached for my hand and I was like, well, to me, hand holding is more intimate than kissing someone. It's like

you hold hands with a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It really is an announcement to the world, like, hey, look, we're in a relationship, and for a first day, it just seems to me like I just I wasn't comfortable with it. I get that. Um. And then so we walked around and actually Sissany who was on the Morning show with the Seacrest. She and her husband have a plaque on the pier at the end and so we like went down and found that, which is really cool. It took us like maybe twenty minutes to find that,

so it was fun. And then we just walked back and then I just drove her home. Do you guys kiss? I got to her to her house, we walked up to her door and we just hugged and I left. So no kiss? Did you consider kissing her? I thought about it, but it's just it's a very weird dynamic. It's a very weird dynamic. Even describing it, it's weird. Yeah, And I love Tanya. She's an incredible We all know

she's an incredible human. I like, there are some things that go through my mind, like what are the repercussions of kissing her? Like let's say the kisses great, Let's say the Chris is horrible? Right then, like what happens when we see each other once a week for the rest of eternity? Or it's like like, I don't know, it's just a lot to consider changes things. Is that

the concern? It es thing? Okay? Yeah? And I also think it's not weird because you guys are weird, but it's weird because there's so much pressure on this day. Everybody knew about it. Everybody knew that you guys are gonna come on the podcast and talk about on air. So it's like that puts you're already an awkward position.

It's like like you're holding hands, you're kissing. It's like, and all right, let me ask you though, when you guys were like grabbing your glass of wine and having your beats out, was it more of like friendship vibes or was it more like, oh wow, this could potentially be more than friendship vibes? Um See, even that's awkward to ask because Tanya's are like, that's it's a man,

I don't know. It's tough. There's a lot that time and I didn't know about each other that it was nice to be able to sit down and discuss, Like, she found you fascinating. She really did well. I find her fascinating. To The weird thing is I felt like she's very open. She wears herself and her personality on her sleeve, and so it's like what you see of her on the podcast and on Seacrest is exactly who

she is. And so there were no like blind sided blind sidings, like I wasn't caught off guard by anything that she said. Um, I think that she maybe was a little bit more sounded with the things that I've told her, just like about my life, which is fine, and and like like there was never a lull in the conversation. There was never like a moment of silence

or anythink that, uh, it went really really well. It's just as I think, it's something that should be taken slowly before jumping in and playing tonsil hockey with each other. It's just something that needs to be um in my opinion more, what's the word I'm looking for? Like cautious. Cautious is very important. It is a good word, just like methodical, maybe in a sense before you take any actions that makes sense. It's a little delicate. You want to be careful. I get that now. Who said this

date up? So you went to TIY was like, I want to take you out on a date. We were discussing I think on my on this podcast or on her podcast a couple of weeks ago. One of the one of the scrubbing in when he's talking about help by second and I don't know, I was just like, let's go on a day. It'll be fun. If nothing else it'll just be two friends hanging out and obviously, obviously sure enough it went well. I would assume that there will be a second day. I understand the balls

in my court. I listened to scubbing in did asked me to go to church with her on Sunday. Huh, Well, so I was celebrating my friend's birthday at a Bronco bar because the Broncos were playing. I'm a big, big, big Broncos fan. Um. I will say I haven't had the best of luck with church dates as well. So post breakup with Leslie, I went to a church maybe a handful of times. Uh. Two of those times I would say, we're on a date, and it's fine. It's just that's something that I also can only start doing

once I'm comfortable enough in the relationship. Of course, such people take dates to church. I've never well, there was a lot of the post breakup. I was like super stress, very anxious. I was like, I need to do something to help me, like re establish myself as a human. So I went a few times by myself. Uh, and then I went with like a friend and then this girl that I was interested in dating, like knew that I went and she wanted to come, and so I took her as a date. And then this other time

she wanted to go, so she took me as a date. Uh. And so it was just one of those things where it's like where we should be going anyways, so let's go together and enjoy it together. A cute date. It's almost a test. It could be a test, depending on who's doing the app it's not. I don't think it's a cute, and I think I failed that test, Tana test. Do you think it's a cute? First, it's a cute third or fourth day? Yeah, of course, if you guys

hang out, there's some chemistry there. And then at least if you invite her to church, she knows that you're religious and Bubbo, you can have had that conversation, well knows I'm not religious. I'm open to the idea of that entire world, but on my own I'm not. And that's the thing too, is like when I went post breakup back in April, when I started going, Um, i went a few times and I was like, now I remember exactly why this isn't for me, because I hadn't

gone to church since I was fifteen years old. I went every Sunday until I was that age, um, and it was just one of those things where I was like, I'm glad that I tried it again, so that way I can kind of really reaffirm the fact that it's not something I'm interested in right now. And again, like if the person that I eventually fell in love with and got married too, if that was a big opponent of their life, I would have no issue with that. But right now, which is one of those things where

it's like it makes sense. I'm curious to think though, if there wasn't so much pressure on this day between you and Tania, if you would have held her hand or like been a little less cautious just for the simple fact you're more in the moment rather than thinking about the ramifications of the day. I think that there are there's two sides to this specific scenario. Um. I've always been an advocate of dating friends. Antonia and I have been friends for a year, so we know each

other pretty well. UM. That being said, it's kind of on the other side of it. It's it kind of makes it a little bit more difficult to break down that romantic barrier because then we're holding hands, and I'm like, oh, I'm just holding hands with a friend, you know what I mean. Uh, So that's the challenge. And so you're saying if if it wasn't, if I wasn't me and she wasn't. The reason I'm saying that is because you made a comment earlier you said, like, holding hands for

me is very intimates boyfriend girlfriend. I'm curious, though, if you were just platonic friends with somebody, I think you'd hold their hands and have no issue with it, because you're like, no, this is fine whatever. But now that there's like a potential romance, you feel more awkward about holding their hands because you're thinking about the future rather than just being like, this doesn't mean anything. I've held

Ashley's hand, Yeah, I know. That's that's honestly the first thing that popped in my head before we started dating. But that was honestly the first thing that popped in my head. I'm I'm I'm fine with it, guys, but no, it's because I remember Ashley told me that, um and uh, and then I was like, well, you're not holding's hand in hand anymore. That's a really good point because I think that both actually I knew that there would never be like a romantic interest on either exactly, so it

wasn't awkward. You guys are just friends holding hands, there's nothing to it. But now that you're like potentially forming this relationship with Tanya, she's no longer just a friend. She's a potential partner that you feel awkward holding your hand, And I'm just curious to think, Like, I wonder if you guys were just like, hey, let's hang out this night and then didn't put any um projections on it,

if you would have held her hands. So you're not a big thing, but just kind of something that popped in my head. So you're saying I shot it down before you even had the chance to take off. I don't think you're shooting no, but I I'm curious to see if that this cautious approach will hinder it and

anyway rather than trying to let it blossom. But you're right, I don't think there's any other way to do it because we're all friends, were all hanging out, we all work together, so it's like a little blurry blurry Yeah, but it's interesting, So we'll see what happens next. I have two more questions. One, she said, you walked in front of her a lot. You did not like that. She didn't like that because we did a morning hack or something on the morning show. That that's that that's

a bad sign, that that he's not into you. Sign a guy who's really into you will slow his gate to stand to be walking next to you. And the thing is, I don't really have much of response to that, because that's apparently a subconscious thing. Yeah, it is. I don't know. Maybe it was just one of those things where I, I, I don't want to say it felt uncomfortable,

but I just like I felt like I hadn't. I think that goes back to the point that maybe your cautious approach might already like shoot down the potential of you guys having something because you're overthinking it and you're not allowing yourself to be in the moment because you're too afraid of the consequences that could potentially come from you guys trying it and not working out. Right, Like I kind of almost have an obligation to take things slow.

Yeah you do. Yeah, that makes sense. I think you should. Man, it's you pour bastard. I'm sorry. They talk about your dates. I'm really I'm feeling very grateful right now. That's why

we're here to help I suck at dating. But I also want people to know that, like everybody listening to really appreciate Tanya and Dean putting themselves out there and like analyzing your date, even something as simple as walking in front like I'm sure so many people do that and they don't even realize, but you're willing to, you know, say oh, yeah, I guess I was walking in front

of her. Maybe that wasn't a good sign. It's like you're willing to say that, and Tanya's willing to talk about it too, So I'll give you guys kudas one more thing. So Tanya, we talked about how she's just Tanya, that there is no air Tanya off air attorney, It's just Tanya, which I love that about her absolutely. Why she's so good at what she does. When you're at Beutty Who and when she's at a concert she sings at the top of her lungs, dances like like there's

nobody watching, just sings so loud. And some of that was on Instagram. How do you see that? Because some would find that annoying, and some find that adorable because it's like she's a twelve year old. It's the most endearing thing. I agree, I think it's adorable. I don't think that that would, ever, in my opinion, be considered a bad thing. I think the opposite would be bad, where it's like they're within themselves, they're not able to let loose and have fun. And she was encouraging me too.

She was like, all right, now, like you go up there and jump up and down, and I'm gonna go over here and jump up and down. I was like, all right, let's great, let's go. This is much more fun than so. I love people that are willing to just make fools themselves and not even care because they love something so much. For example, if I was at a Matchbox twenty concert, I'm gonna lose my ship and like start screaming, and like if actually was with me,

I hope she'd be like, oh, this is adorable. Conversely, when we're at Backstreet Boys together, actually loses her mind, and I love that because she just loves them so much. That's a great quality Tania possesses too. She's able to find joy in just about anything and I think that's

pretty rare nowadays. And so you find someone like that, you're like, okay, Like this girl can make any situation into a fun situation, especially for someone like me, Like I definitely I noticed that, and I'm like, Okay, that's awesome. Every time I see Tanya, she is always smiling. She's awesome. But so in terms of the next date, I guess we'll stop talking about it so much because he does

put pressure on it. That's my advice to you. But she so we were talking yesterday and she I made a comment that I've never seen a Grays Anatomy episode, and she's like, oh my god, you have to watch season two episodes sixteen and seventeen. I don't know what that is, but I would watch the guy who had the bomb and his abdomatic watched that episode, watch one. That's the one OULD watch, and I'm like, okay, I'll definitely watch this to get a better understanding of WHU

Tanya is as a person. And then I made her watch my favorite childhood movie, which is this anime movie. Easton might have heard of it, heard of Akida. Oh, It's it's phenomenal. It's about set in Neo Tokyo. It's it was made and not many people know. That's one of my favorite movies. I actually told her that yesterday. Um, I was like, you're one of three parts. Oh wait, I've been pronouncing it in a super white America. That's how I always okay. A phenomenal movie. I've seen parts

of it. I've read parts of the manga as well. Oh you're a bigger fan than I am. You got hurt of to Japanese animated movie. I think I convinced her to do it, but she hasn't done an yet. So you guys go from your second day at church to your third day at watching me. I have a hundred questions. So this is hypocritical of me to say. But if I were you, I would ask her out on the down low, and you guys go out without telling anybody to say, we haven't already had a second day. Um.

A couple of emails here, Caitlin. I wanted to get to real quickly. Caitlin at the first date, and she was so nervous for she felt physically ill. It was about an hour before the date and she remembered the hypnosis episode of the podcast. It was hypnotized so so that I'm gonna try it. It worked. By the time this session was over, I was totally relaxed, calm, and excited for my day and throughout the day, it was confidently at a great time. I felt so comfortable with

everything that was happening. Was fantastic. We have another date plan this weekend. Thank you so much for having a place to talk about things that are awkward or uncomfortable that we don't always want to address and sharing those discussions with us. Huge fan of all three of you, including Vanessa. That's very sweet. Thank you so much. That is very sweet. And Whitney has a question, Sorry, you can talk about it. It It didn't say including Vanessa. I

thought that was funny. No, I'm just saying the three of you. Whitney met a guy to wedding a couple of years ago. Totally hit it off. Nothing physical happened, but we exchanged phone numbers. At the time, we were long distance. He was in Chicago and I was in Minneapolis, but we did hang out a few times when I visited. We talked for seven months after I just moved to Chicago for a job. Since I've arrived, he's initiated more conversations and doubtings and one on one dates and in groups.

He helped me do random stuff around my condo. He's been very present. I don't feel like I'm in the friend zone. But he's also not straight up asked me on on a date or made a move. But am I missing help? I super duper suck at dating, Whinney, I don't think you super duper suck at dating, and I think he might suck a little bit. Guys, guys, guys suck. We're just afraid to step up as it's

really true. We're just like you ever seen the episode of Boy Means World where Eric goes up on stage and he's like, since the beginning of time, men have been stupid, and then he's like, this is to make up for it, and then all the guys come out and dance. This is how I feel about guys. We just like we continue to mess up time after time. And maybe this guy is just really afraid to ask you out, but he's always like lingering around hoping that

something might happen. The challenging thing for a guy sometimes too is and I think Tanya and I have we discussed this a little bit is we spent all this time building a rapport with someone, but that rapport is purely friendly friendly, and then it's hard to break through that wall of going from friend to romantic because you have such a strong foundation as friends and it's like, okay, then it's gonna be awkward if maybe I'll ask her out,

maybe she'll say no, and then maybe, like the friendship is jeopard as at that point too, who cares? Why do we need so many friends? And I've never understood that argument. I hate friends friends. I just don't get the I don't know why you need so many friends of the oppositect that you don't want to ruin the friendship, ruin it if you have those feelings, it's kind of ruined anyway. You have friends for the rest of your life.

Um My thing is that you know when I'm older, as we've talked about before, and uh so, back in the day, you hated asking people out because it's you get nervous and you want to throw up, and you're putting yourself out there and you're afraid of rejection. We didn't have a choice, though nowadays it seems you have a choice because you can just swipe swipe, swipe swipe and all this other stuff. They don't really have to

ask anybody out. And you're going group dates and he just casual or maybe he's just gotten worse and worse and worse over the years, but it seems like no guys want to step up. I think he's interested. I mean, if there's no other reason for him to be always around and always doing stuff for you and hanging out at your conduct and they've hung out in groups, he's helped her, and he's responsibility to ask who out, the guy or the girl cause she just asked him out.

I love the idea of her just saying, hey, can we go on a date moment like that modern woman. I say go for it. I agree, I say go for it to He's not really stepping up, but he's always around, so there's probably some sort of interest there. There's gotta be, And so yeah, when he I'd suggest asking him out and exactly what's the worst that can happen? Or maybe invite him over to the apartment one time to help you, like hang a shelf and then just

jump his bones. Yeah, and then just show you're only wearing a T shirt that works on a T shirt. That's that's honestly, that's my suggestion. Maybe turn on some Netflix. Get some glasses of Barry Manilowan in the lines. That's the sensory overload. We can't have Barry Manil and Netflix. Uh, you know, get a few sessions from the master cuddler before she comes over. Oh good God in heaven. Those are all we have today. All the emails will keep.

Please keep sending the emails in those are my favorite part of the show. I suck at dating and I hurt media dot com perfect. Keep sending them there. Thank you so much to Samantha Hess from the Not Not Professional Cut anymore. She is a master cuddler. And thank you so much for Samantha coming on the podcast. Thank you so much, Haley uh for doing a therapy session with Dean. I know Dean gained a lot from that, and so did we as listeners. Haley, you are welcomed anytime.

Please come visit. Thank you planet Hollywood, where all of us will be this weekend for the I Heart Festival. Before we sign off fully and completely, is it inappropriate to ask a perspective therapist out on a date. No, I don't think so. At this point. Yeah, I think if you had a private session in her office, then it becomes weird. But she was a guest on your podcast,

and I got news for you. She's probably gonna listen to the podcast because she was on it, so she's gonna know that you're kinda It's all part of the plant. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Help I Suck At Dating. I'm Dean, This is Jared with Mark and Eastern. Tune in next week where maybe we'll suck a little bit less. Follow help by Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast