#47 Like Apples and Onions

from my season, and we got some real juice. We have some juicy gossip for you guys, fun story gossipy. But uh, you know, since it's a dating podcast, figured, why don't we share some of our dating stories. But I'm just gonna throw Taylor under the bus and I'm gonna here you under keep Mike the private and we're gonna talk about Taylor. Well, we did a poll actually on um We did a pull on Instagram to see if people wanted to hear Taylor's dating experience, and I

paid yours and I put in quotation. Experiences of my followers were like, yeah, let's hear Taylor stuff, and a hundred percent of mine so that they wanted to hear. They all gave them options of yes and yes girl. So we were on UM a camp conference retreat fireside It's called fireside conference UM two hours or three hours actually was traffic like five hours away from Toronto. So Taylor met me in Toronto after she did Good Morning America, which, by the way, we never spoke about. What do you

think of Colton being the new Bachelor? Dean? I'm excited for his journey? Um, are you by Bachelor? I've met Colton. I like Colton. Um, he's a good guy. I wanted Jason just because he has the charisma that I think would be interesting to watch a lead. Colton, of course, has that storyline that we've been become very familiar with over the past six seven months. I mean, it'll be a good season. I'm excited to watch. What do you guys think? I do like Jason to Jason's in Seattle,

and I have met him and have Yeah. Yeah, everybody thought the day just because we went for happy hour, It's like, no, we're friends. Is what people do as to take a picture with like the opposite sex. People automatically think you're dating them anyway. So I'm excited for Colton too. I met him at in in l A at a wedding and he was just like so sweet

and innocent. So I'm excited to see and I hope they don't make their whole season about him losing his virginity, because I mean, there's more to him than that anyway. So we went to camp Fireside, and this is Taylor's first experience and in Canada. Well, I mean, yeah, kind of Saundays. So Taylor, do you want to take it away? Oh? Wait, hold on? So I'm starting a YouTube channel, right, So I'm starting to vlog everything, and I'm really bad at it.

I recorded like half of my face because I don't know like how to position my camera because it's not the same angle as a phone. So I'm like, hey, we're at camp Fireside and we're registering here and I'm in the letter G because my last name is G. And oh, look at Taylor. Taylor's already making a friend and I have like her first encounter with this guy.

We're not going to give his name, but her first encounter with this guy where she's shaking his hand and he's shaking her hand and they're both exchanging like their names and hellos and whatever, and I'm like, oh my god, that's so cute. Cut to basically a couple of days later where they're like hanging out. Okay, just gonna to tell the whole story. Look here, Okay, I'll let Taylor take it away because I don't want to give it

too much. No, no, no keeping keep anyway. So they were just like he was just like really nice and like normal and not part of the industry or you know, had no idea who we were, had no idea what the show was about, and it was just the refreshing, you know, to just like have a genuine conversation with people who want to be friends with you for who you are and not because of the story that you

come with. So they started talking and we all started hanging out because we have zero We had zero WiFi there. We were like, we're gonna make friends. The first night we were so nervous, had zero WiFi. They had a cab a cabin set up with a WiFi uh thing. And I was like, I'm so tempted to go. Because tempted, I was like, oh my god, who's messaging me? Is it a boy? No? It was your boys anyway. So let's just say Taylor had lots of fun. Taylor might

be moving to Canada. I'm not moving to Canada. Um, but no, it was really good experience overall, like connecting with you and connecting with the whole community and just like really being present and um oh my god. I met someone and he like shared a lot about his life, like before we even actually started, Like the minute he said he has a farm and could build a fire, I was like drop and he literally built us like an amazing fire. Yeah, he really did. It was like

from nothing, Dean know. We stayed up until seven o'clock in the morning, singing songs with the guitar around a campfire, around a campfire. It was it was the most ride, all our eyes out. It was just you so like humbling anyway. So wait, so tell me more about this guy. Did you guys make out? Did you? Yeah? That's a yes, that's yes. I mean how how honest do I completely

and utterly are to anything? I mean, I like, um, you know, exploring people in all kinds of way that sounds like third base so um so no. So I was like very hesitant because obviously, you know, it's like we're there for three nights. It's like this very it's very specific context you know, and it's like, oh, well then if we are intimate, then like do we try to have it be a thing? Then what after that? You know, and like you ask yourself all these questions.

And we were intimate. We were we were all we were intimate, um and um. But it was really beautiful. Actually, we like, so we're at this camp and like you can literally see the Milky Way galaxy like you you feel like you're in Star Wars. It's beautiful. And there's like this lake and we went up like to the top. There's like this swim tower, big slide, and so we were up at that um and literally just like underneath the stars we saw like not not even kidding, like

twenty shooting stars. Like it was so I was fast asleep alone. It was like minus two degrees. I was wearing three layers of clothing with nine covers on top of me with the hat on in my bed by myself. Yeah. Well, good for you guys. I have a question for you as it pertains to our listeners and our audience out there. Then, Taylor, you said that this guy opened up to you about things that you didn't expect him to open up to you about. So early. Do you think that he maybe

jumped the gun on it. It It sounds like you you appreciated it, But I feel like there's a fine line between opening up about things too early that are too heavy. No. So he like basically the first night when we were all talking, he was just kind of like giving us a speel of like what he does is and like a lot of that pertained around food and about farming, and um, I do I really do food? And like being connected to my food. Maybe you should have been

on Crystal Season. Interesting, um, but no. And then he started talking about like empathy and like connection to community and all this stuff. And so it wasn't anything like super personal that he was sharing. It was more just like the things that he's passionate about sharing, and he had no clue and like Vanessa was just staring at me like the whole time as he's talking to us,

and I was like check check check check check. Oh I would be the maid of honor but um but no. And then like later, you know, as we kept talking throughout the conference, like we've each slowly opened up to each other but had really great conversations. And that's where it was kind of like the whole purpose of the conferences like to be present and disconnect, And so for me, I was like, I'm gonna be would you compare this to paradise? Like, because on paradise you spend so much

time with the person. Is this kind of like a paradise thing? I don't know if that that I bring up? Like PTSD, my roommate always says you have to disconnect to connect. This was one of those situations. Absolutely. It was because it was like I could be all in my head about like, well, what is it after this and what does this mean? And am I am I to them? And it was like I was just like, you know, I'm made me present. I'm gonna let it flow wherever it flows. And so do you guys like

sleep intense? How did this? It's like wood cabin? It was a wood cabin, but it was cold end. There was a chipmunk or something that went inside taylor backpack. Yeah, and ate her chocolate. Well, Vanessa, so we keep hearing about Taylor's sexcapades. I want to hear something about you. I just told you I was wrapped in nine blankets with five different layers. The best thing to do in those situations it's not blankets, it's body heat. Well, let

me tell you. So when the first night we snuggled, the first time we snuggled and then she ditched me, but we were when we stayed up till seven o'clock in the morning. There was this one guy that was like, we had a private cabin. Everyone just texted me shut up. So he we had a private cabin. Everyone else was sharing, like with maybe five other people. So we were like the cabin that people wanted to come to because we had to two rooms, we had a couch and everything.

So this guy's like, uh, can I come and see your cabin? And I was like, oh, yeah, whatever, So, you know, so he comes to our cabin and he's like, I just want to sleep on the couch. And I was like, okay, cool, and then said my guy was already yeah. Her guy was in the other room and I had my room to myself. And I'm like, if this guy thinks he's going to come sleep with me, he has something else coming for him. Like no. So he's like, well, unless would you mind if I sleep

in the bed with you. I was like for body heat, for body heat, I was like, I do mind, Like for a second, I was like, I'm so cold, maybe, but then that just I think that, like I respect that both like that guy and the guy I was with were very aware of consent. Like before my guy kissed me, he like straight up was like, yeah, like I want to let you know that, you know, I really want to kiss you. And I only bring it up because he now consent sexy and like the way

he did it. I was like, yeah, it's sexy, and I like these Well this guy was like very respectful too, you know, and he was like singing songs and I was like, maybe we can keep singing songs, but no, I just wanted to go to bed and have my own surprivacy on her mind. Maybe maybe I have someone else on my mind. Maybe I don't. We're at the discussion recently about whether a guy should ask permission before he kisses because Tanya Erica Sissony on the radio show

with RN Seacrest, they all agree. They all said no, he should just own it for it. Wait the girl said no, that he should go for it and go for it, don't ask permission. It seems pretty unanimous. In studio. Toris even nodding her head yes over here, that you shouldn't you shouldn't have to ask for it if the

feeling is right. See I partially agree with that, But my last two experiences of like kissing a new person um both have actually addressed it, and it's like the way that they've brought it up that's been very endearing. But so again, I think it depends how you go about it. So it was Jason and this guy Jason that was good maintenance man was so Taylor, how does it how does the relationship exists outside of this conference for you? Then with this guy Okay, Dean, Okay, I

want to I want to take over. I'm hijacking this story. So I'm you know how I'm going to Bally right, which, by the way, we have to figure out where we're staying in Bally, so I need to help send us Bolly suggestions. So we're I thought we were leaving this whole time. We were like leaving the time. I thought we were leaving the thirteenth, and we wanted to extend our trip. So we're supposed to go from until the twentieth.

And I call the airline yesterday and I was like, we would like to extend our trip until the twenty. He's like, Okay, man, well you are departing on Wednesday, September twelfth, and I was like, like he keeps going and we both look at each other and are like, I'm like, oh my god, I have so many appointments set off for Wednesday, Like I thought we were leaving on Thursday. And this whole time, Taylor literally falls to the floor peas in her pants and I just hear

go to the bathroom. Was like, so basically what happened was this dude like I'm from camp, the guy from campus from Canada, and he's like, I really want to see you before you head out west, and you know, I think it's like meant for us to like hang out before you leave. He was really sweet. He really credit if I didn't try to come and see you. So he got an airbnb for the both of them, sold his tickets to this festival that that was going on in his city, and was coming into town to

spend time with her on Wednesday night. But little did we know, we're going to be on a flight to Bali. And literally he had booked all of this ten minutes before called the airline. So funny. I felt so bad. I called and I sang, justin Bieber's is it too late to say I'm sorry? I don't think I'll be honest with you. I don't think that's funny at all. Sounds really really frustrating for that guy. He was really

is this your yes? It is so yeah? Now he was very and like, honestly, I really liked and this is actually good thing to bring up. I think. Um he had texted me and was like, he said that he's just feeling really sad, angry and exhausted and frustrated. And Vanessa was kind of like, oh no, I don't like that. No, like like, no, he shouldn't be respected

like that, like that's too much. And I was like, no, I appreciate that he can acknowledge how he feels right now, and like I totally understand where he would feel that way right but I feel like he didn't put his emotions in check and was just like and then he asked no, no, because then he asked like, can you guys push your trip to Thursday. I was like, dude, we're going to Bally, We're not going to Toronto, Like

we can't push our trip a day. But the way he said that was like joking, because it was like, how many other things can we do to see if maybe we can work something that. I'm really surprised you just said that, because I feel like all he's doing is communicating the what he's feeling, and now you're kind of crucifying him for you. No, I wasn't. No, I

just I was frustrated. The whole situation was really frustrating for all of us, um and the fact that I had to I had a guy, no appointments, I had to cancel, and just things that I had to do on Wednesday, And I was like, well, you know, we all had to move our things, and it is an unfortunate situation. And I'm a true believer and things are meant to be. I believe in signs. So was you know, I'm like, oh, maybe it wasn't meant to be for you guys to like meet up right before we go

to Bali, you know. But anyway, so I don't know, I think that you're being a little selfish you Vanessa. I think that if the roles were flipped and you were tailor in the situation, you would be much more willing to push it to Thursday no, never, are you kidding? And you'd be much more receptive of his emotions as well. That's just my that's just my take on it, right, maybe a little bit more receptive. I just didn't appreciate

that comment of like can you move your flight? And I'm like, well, I think also, had you heard how he said it, you know that he wasn't serious about it. He was just because you just look like how many other things like you know, yeah, anyway, but now but now I'm going to I'm going to go see him tonight. Oh good? Yeah, wow, So this is kind of serious all of a sudden, just just like that. It's funny how quickly he shared that he's a bit of like

a hopeless romantic and I'm totally not. And listen, I was like team whatever his name is. From the beginning, I'm like, because Taylor is not like that, Like we're such opposite. She tells me like Vanessa could go with the flow, like stopped overthinking things, and so it was like I start liking a guy. I'm like, oh my god, like let's very like black or white. Yeah, let's go, you know, And she's like, just go with the flow.

And I'm like telling her I appreciate that he's very romantic, and he's and you became super giddy yesterday, and because the whole day that he planned was the most adorable thing. It was like we were going to go to a market and grab a bunch of food and take it back to the airbnb and like click dinner together and like listen to music and Dan, I'm surprised you didn't have an experience like this when you were traveling for months.

What do you mean Europe? Oh? I briefly heard you mentioned something when we were but it was, like I think it was. It wasn't an extended like you got you have, Like did you have like a little romance when you were away traveling. No, I did not. I feel like there was something in in Bali. No. I met with my friends and Bali, but there was nothing

like I'm surprised why I think we're so good looking. Well, I appreciate that you were also very good looking as well, and I feel like you didn't have the same experience to this camp head. You're right, I didn't, but I also don't think I also don't think you were open to it. Right on my traveling expeditions, it wasn't a priority of mine to be on the lookout for people to speaking of like memories and all that stuff. Taylor, you know it could maybe help your dude remember your

time with him at camp fireside. Homesick candles dot com Have you heard of those? No? I haven't so Homesick candles dot com. Homesick dot com candles provide warm, glowing reminders of the special times a k camp, memories, people in places in your life. There's a special homestick candle for all fifty states. What say, are you from Washington? Washington? I got to see what Washington smells like and send it to Mr Canada and dozens of the most famous

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That's crazy. That's a long time. It's a really long time. Is it because it's soy? I think it's because of the wick, Because of the wick, and it's non toxic. I gotta get you one of those beautiful clear glass containers designed to burn the wax all the way to the bottom, no shell of wasted wax on the sides. You can recycle the jar as a cool looking pencil

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when you buy two or more candles. Just visit homesick dot com and use our code Dean d e a N. That's homesick dot com and use our code d e a N. That's Dan d e a N. Taylor, I actually have a homesick candle burning right in front of me, and I have had since this podcast started recording. And it smells delicious, smells just like Colorado like a walk down Memory Lane and are outdoorsy. It smells like the forest, It smells like winter. It smells like an owl flying.

And I got to get one of l A because I missed. I just missed, Like, yeah, I look New York Colorado smells like York cedar, sandal wood and amber and cinnamon, round bears and of babbling brook and all the good things. The Los Angeles candle if you're curious, probably like pollution, a clean sea breeze, citrus notes of orange, jeff and lemon slices with a flora, bouquet of jasmine and rose for any occasion. I love jasmine and rose. Anyway,

it's moving on to the next segment. So, as we often do on this podcast, we like to have, you know, marriage and family therapists come on and discuss kind of what they do, what they work with, and how they might be able to help our listeners and obviously ourselves as well. So we're going to move on to speaking with Hailey Hewitt, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist with private practices both in l A Bay Area, UM who works as families, individuals, all that kind of stuff. So, Haley,

are you there. I am Hi everybody, Hi, how are you? I'm great? How's it going? Oh we're doing great. Thank you so much for joining us today. Um so I just give a very quick introduction, Haley, but if you want to, do you mind telling us the listeners a little bit more about yourself and kind of what your background is coming from. Of course. Yeah, So in college

I started actually in film and TV. My projects we're all about the human condition, and neither professor tell me, you know, maybe you should go into different direction toward counceling psychology. And at that time and my late twenties too, I just felt called to do more meaningful work and

on myself in private practice. Now that's words in specializations are in travel relationships, and even I feel passionate about supporting to heal rather than re enact, just like unresolved wounding from past relationships in new relationships, so having repaired the relational so in therapy and with others. So you're saying you kind of help people deal with trauma, and then how that affects relationships or is it kind of their mutually exclusive? How does how does that all kind?

Do they play into each other at all? Oh? Absolutely it's all integrated as you learn the shore last seek with your hyptentism, which I have some questions about. Oh please ask away. UM. Yeah, well I'll just close and saying that I take some similar approaches as in A Wonderful Woman last weekend, I was forcing from somatic experiencing and brain spotting, which combines actually hypnotherapy um e M, drum thematic experience things. So it's body based and it's

working with visual station in the body. They theorize that trauma is rooted on a vistual level and connected tissue and um so in our present day relationships and even throughout our lives as were you know, in a relationship with ourselves, we have experiences know reenact or reawaken from the past, and you know, whether it's a big trauma or a little key trauma, developmental trauma, little things over time, life is traumatic. We all go through suffering and experience hardships,

and so it's important to actually use our relationships as opportunities. Yeah, that makes sense. I I think that a lot of times, and myself have I've been very guilty of this before. Is you don't necessarily realize the impact that things that happen to you as a child have on you as an adult. And I think Taylor and I actually talked about this on her podcast not too long ago. Um, there is a lot of times people don't necessarily take the proper steps to deal with that kind of stuff. Yes, oh,

I'm so excited. Taylor's here too. You've got initiou hi Taylor. Yeah, So aumatic experiencing emphasize with the importance of having the opportunity to experience in the body what one couldn't in childhood or in any you know, challenging or traumatic experience. We tend towards coping in the best ways we know how, which is checking out a little bit, not fully feeling it.

Maybe we're in shock, maybe we're slightly dissociated. But thematic experience thing was formulated by this guy, Peter was Being who developed the approach after observing that pretty animals whose lives are routinely threatened in the wild, right and they're able to recover readily physically releasing the energy by accumulator during the stressful event, so they like discharge the energy right away and then they don't have the traumatization that

we humans on the other hand, like overrise a natural way of regulating the nervous system with all of our thinking, our feelings, or shaming even prolace the thoughts or you know, as you said in childhood, just not having no language to describe what was happening. So how would you do the therapy for semantic experiences? What kind of therapy sessions? Um,

what would therapy sessions look like? Yeah, So the thematic experiencing is helping the client find first places and safety, So whether that's a place in the body that is not activated by the trauma or a physical place to retreat to, like m a calm stream or ocean. And experiencing the sensations to the traumatic event in a safe way allows the person to event voice process the trauma.

So they're they're they're opening up the trauma or even just talking, you know, being for example, like you in your hypnotism, He had said, Um, I had these these visual sensations come up around, you know, memories of this relationship and then this upcoming dating, and like what goes deeper than that? It's like relationship and like what this experience they're read it in your body or aunt relationship.

So in the session and I would deepen into that and maybe you say, oh, I just like you know, love in my throat, and so that's maybe where some of the traumas housed. And so then I would resource you to find a place in your body of comfort of safety, and maybe you say, all the you know, chair on my back feels very supportive and comfort comforting.

They stay with that, you know, deepen into that sensation, and then you evacilate between the traumatic or uncomfortable sensation and the comfortable sensation and kind of move back and forth. I do want to say that I think one of the reasons that the reason that I had relationships front of mind when I had the hypnotherapist come in was

because of my environment surrounding me. And you know, obviously we're in studio recording the relationship Centric podcast, and so I'm curious to know like if I were to if and when I do it again, because I hope to meet with Dr Nancy again and like a more private setting where my mind is able to think more freely and not just kind of more focused on the topic

at hand. I'm curious where my mind would go, and I'm sure, of course it would go towards relationships to some aspect, but I'm not sure if it would be kind of the main focus like it was last week. Well, it could be like relationships with your loved ones, relationships with your friends and family. You know, it doesn't necessarily

have to be romantic. Really well, I know, but I'm just saying regardless, Like because of the environment I was in, is why I was thinking about and I think, like maybe I could be wrong, but that's just kind of, you know, one idea that I had. But um, I mean I fully understand what you're well, I don't fully understand it. I can obviously try to make the best

sense of it as I possibly can. But you mentioned brain spotting, and I know you've kind of opened up a little bit more about that, but can you I'm just curious what more specifically is brain spotting. Brain spotting is more recent. It was discovered in two thousand three. This guy David Grand used it UM when he was doing E M d R, which is I movement desensitization

reprocessing UM, which is a technique similar systematic experiencing. But there's like a little wa NT and you utilize bilateral stimulations, do you do look less and right and left and

right and listen to music. And the brain spotting was discovered because he noticed people in session kind of drift off and get stuck, like looking off into one specific direction, and so he he discovered that, Um, you know, the brain locates point so in the client's visual field that helps the access and crosses trauma in the subcotical brain. So it's like looking at that point is where they call it. The trauma is stored like a trauma capsule

in a certain part of the brain. And when you act, when you locate that point, the clinician, um, the distress is activated in the body, and the clinician has a little cleaner and holds it on that point and the person moses that I position, there's at that point, and UM watches what happened, starts to use like a subjective unit of the stress scale zero to tend tend being panic attacked. There totally calm and measuring as their body

regulates itself. You know, typically it goes really high and gets really intense and then it starts to plateau and then they're left with this you thought that their body is always working to regulate itself, So it's similar to f the thematic experiencing and that UM, the body is always working to feel itself, it's not working against that, and we can have those opportunities to like field activation which in our everyday lives, you know, or and even

in the studio last week for you like you're not going to deeply go into like your deepest you know, losses and traumas and visceral experiences that which you know, may you feel safe to do so with her like UM one on one. But the brain spotting is just UM particularly effective with trauma because it helps to identify and heals undergoing trauma. The body is this observed visually, like do they do do they hook me up to any monitors or do you just kind of observe where

their eyes go when they're talking about specific things. Yeah, you serve where their eyes so you observe there. You are totally just watching the bodies, getting the body like if there's a lot of blinking tightening, um, sometimes it's

bobby is people get stuck on a point. UM. Other times they're talking about something intense, and then you start asking them where you're noticing that their body and you begin there and then you use the pointer and you start over left and then right, and you have the scale where it's the vert distressful and wherever it's the

highest stress level. You leave the point there um and then they, you know, stay on that point for upwards a certain forty minutes and you know you're you're talking to them, and there's like a statement of focus, you know, like, m I wonder what that would be like if someone were to focus only on that with me, because I definitely know that I'm guilty of avoiding eye contact and like looking off in certain directions whenever I talk about specific topics, and so I'm curious to see, like what

what some would I guess diagnose that brain spotting symptom as UM. Well, often avoidance of contact or connection can be shame based. It can be related to loss. So like the challenge of making that connection right, like the intensity of eye contact for too long feels lingle like

ingle thing like to terrifying. I know that you have, you know, experienced the lass in your adolescent um a really formative time and you know someone really important to you, So it's it's important that you, you you know, are able to process the grief around that now as a man with the language too. But further on a visceral body based level, um, as it's embedded like in the body, Um, we can brain spottle being maked be that it would be interesting at the very like I would be really

interested in that. So for our listeners, then, do you have any like the daily therapeutic practices that could contribute to not only the healthy relationships we have with others but also with ourself that you can maybe there's like kind of some quick tips for them and us. Yeah, of course, Um. Distressed tolerance is an amazing skill. Just the ability to lean into discomfort right, hold that eye

contact for an extra second. Um, and always you know, being able to tolerate and lean into discomfort with compassion and gentlemen. Um. Real Sorry, So Taylor and I always talk about leaning into the discomfort. UM. I have a tendency and whenever I if I start a relationship or if I'm in a relationship usually like a romantic relationship, if I start feeling a little bit uneasy because I'm very black and white, and if I if the relationship starts to go into the gray zone. I started freaking out.

And Taylor keeps telling me just lean into the discomfort, and I just don't know, I'm getting a lot better on it. So for someone for listeners out there who are like, what are some tips that you that I could do, that we can do too. UM, I guess be okay with that discomfort because it's not like a

physical thing. It's just like not physically in front of the person, but it's just like internally I start freaking out and then I start second guessing where our relationship stands, and I could be sabotaging the relationship because of the discomfort. And you say internally, and I think cognitively, So in your brilliant, wonderful mind, you're thinking about all of the work case scenarios or just the fear. You know, the

cognitive mind is driving you. And so what I would invite you and others to try is deepening into these other sentient, intelligent organs of perception, which our hearts and our guts and our spirit. If that's in your practice and trusting that you have everything you need within your whole self mind, M your at heart, UM, listening to your your intuition. UM, I have some great little tool on intuition we can do to UM. Really help guide

you whether or not it is the right relationship. And you know, maybe your intuition is giving some intinct here, like, um, what direction to take? I mean, my intuition is spot on with everything. Then another relationship worked well, and I want to add to that a little bit too, like to get comfortable with the gray area, even though it feels like it's nothing physical. I would still allow yourself that physical space, like to to let that if that anxiety is is coming up within you, to sit there

and observe. And one thing I always remind people is like you are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. So if you're in that state and feeling really anxious and especially in the development of relationship and not knowing is it this or is it this?

And where is it going and what's going to happen, and you know, wanting that security and wanting that safety of observing that about yourself and saying, Okay, you know that's this is what I'm feeling right now, and I know that this is how I'm gonna feel right now, But it won't be an in ten minutes. Something else will come up. And when you challenge yourself to be present, those thoughts start to uh dissipate because you're no longer

in your head in that anxiety. And that was something we I think I pushed you on a little bit over our campaiging trip of being present and not being in your head about oh well, what are we going to BALI and what about I want to talk to this person and I need to go to WiFi. Tend and like be present with where you are and a

lot of that anxiety will subside. But also when it does come up to remember that you are the observer of your thoughts because I have the tendency and I've learned this through therapy and I've learned this through relationships. I have a tendency my my one of my biggest flaws is being impulsive, Like I feel this way right now, so I'm gonna do this, And that's like where the

black and white comes in. But if I give myself the next day to think about how how I was feeling, then maybe my emotions aren't going to be running as high and I'll make a different decision. I know I do that a lot. And dating sometimes too, Like when you get that feeling and you're like I want to

see this person. I need to see this person. And instead, if you let that, if you just observe that, I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm really feeling like I want to see him right now, but letting that time pass and getting back in touch with where you are at that moment, like Okay, yeah, I'm gonna finish doing the dishes, Like I'm gonna focus on doing the dishes right now because that's the task that's at hand. Being present with what's happening around you. Yeah,

I'm learning. I'm learning a lot. And it's you know, the mindfulness. You know, the word is all over and how do we be mindful of? How do we get out of our thoughts? In one simple way I like to think of it is um drop out of thinking, move into sensing, so inter receptive awareness, mindfulness within the body, watching sensations arising and passing with compassion, without attempts to change.

So giving yourself a terror said, but space just to watch your liveliness through you and move out of the thinking for a little while. And feelings are thoughts caused the cognitive mind. I don't understand what Taylor said earlier about you are not your thoughts are the observer of your thoughts, Taylor, Yeah, so you are not your thoughts. You are the one observing your thoughts. I'm gonna go ahead and just I don't know anything about it, but

I'm just gonna go ahead and disagree with that. So I'm gonna encourage you to read Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, where there's a whole chapter on your inner voice and um, thinking of your inner voice as like your inner roommate um and personalizing your inner voice um, because I think when you are super attached to all of your thoughts, they then essentially run you and you can make these

really impulsive decisions. And oftentimes our thoughts are telling us things out of fear to protect ourselves, and then then we're essentially living out of fear um. And that's not you know, doesn't always lead us to living lives of meaningful connection, which is at our being like, I guess why am I thinking this? Or why is my right like to observe your thoughts? Think why am I feeling

this way? Instead of being like I'm feeling this way and like being impulsive about being like, Okay, I noticed that this is what I'm feeling. But if we're not to some of our thoughts, then what are we We're well, now you're just getting well, yeah, that's a whole. That's that's who I feel like, that's opposite. I feel like that's who you are in your truest self is what you think about on a regular basis defines who you

are to yourself, you know. But I guess for me, the way that I understand it is internalizing what your thoughts are and understanding where those thoughts are coming from. Like if i'm if right now, I think like I'm anxious, Like okay, why am I anxious? I'm like getting to the bottom of that feeling or I'm getting to the bottom of For me, I guess it's mostly feelings that encouraged me to either do or not you something, and

I want to know why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because let's say it's sinstems of relationship topic relationship podcast. If I want to message a person, why am I messaging that person? I'm messaging them to get reaction out of them. If that's my goal, I don't want to do that because I might not be able, I might not get the reaction I want from them, and then I'll be disappointed. But even as you say, like asking yourself why you're feeling that, in that, you're taking yourself

out of some of that anxiety. Because if you are just oh my god, I'm anxious. Oh my god, I anxious, I'm anxious, I'm axious, I'm anxious. But instead of taking that step back and realizing that you are the observer of your thoughts that Okay, yeah, I notice I'm feeling anxious, So why where is that coming from? Why am I

feeling this that? Then it it takes you down a little bit of a different journey um mentally and emotionally that I think helps you have that separation and helps you to move through some of that anxiety in this example. Does that make sense? It does, and it doesn't. I appreciate you shooting some light on it floor us um back to Haley, I just have one more question for you to to help our listeners as it pertains to relationships.

I think that everything you've mentioned has been incredibly helpful for all of them, but maybe more as it pertains to relationships, giving advice for them in terms of manifesting their ideal relationship. When it comes to must have, would like, steal breakers, that kind of thing. I'm sure you you give quite a bit of advice on that. Yeah, yes,

And of course it starts with the self. So I, you know, really enjoyed what you said about Plato Symposium, this idea that there's one person out there who will provide you completely utter happiness. And yet what what if it's you? What if you are your own Plato Symposium, as in your own other half? So I think in manifesting idea of relationships with others, we have to also do that must have would like and deal breakers with ourselves and get really true that to how we want

our purpose and our life to look right. Joy is coming from meaningful experience. Research shows not from speaking happiness, and so how do we have meaningful experience in our life and in a relationship now when it comes to others, I had spoken earlier about feeling unresults from our past relationships in order to not re enact that wounding and present. So I think people can find themselves in these relationships.

Like these old issues keep coming up. What I see a lot are like trust issues, Um, but they've been you know, cheated on in the past or they've had a loss, you know, um, and they had felt like they can't ever fully give themselves the trust in relationship. The part of it starts in the relationship to self.

You know. Taylor spoken about self compassion the forms of tasks, which is an incredible sale to have not only changing their critical self talk, but getting in touch with the compassionate observer, the parts that can compassionately observe, not just the thoughts which he has seen are thinking is what makes us unique and feel then beyond animal that we

have this analytical thinking mind. Um, that's perhaps you know, it's getting really clear on what we want our deal relationship with ourselves to look like, and that includes our path and our purpose and then with others, really doing our work in therapy and choosing healthy relationships, setting boundaries around toxic and unhealthy relationships, especially for us people pleasers thought there really practicing no and learning how to maybe

let people down a little bit because it's not healthy for us. So it's not quite right, um, So that we can you know, continue manifesting healthy relationships. That's more in mindment giving us the opportunity for what we reference as reparative relational experiences. So we can work on our own healing, and feeling comes in a relationship too, when we have healthy relationships. I mean, that's all very beneficial. I was actually funny. It's funny enough because I might

drive to the studio today. I was thinking about kind of that same idea, but almost the opposite side of it, where I said yes to a lot more things than I say no to. But that's good. I think it opens up a lot more doors and it closes obviously, But there's also a drawback to it. As Haley saying, um, I would say that I've been given I guess a lot of things because of my willingness to say yes.

But as I get older and as I start to like narrow down the things that I find important in my life, I understand the purpose of saying no more often and letting people down. Um. But but Haley, so you said you'll be in town next week. Maybe we can get you in here to do some brain spotting. I think that would be super cool. Yeah, yeah, I'm happy to do that. Not the basic of dream work.

I know you had mentioned you're having vivid dreams. I would be curious about any dreams having I've always I've always had vivid dreams, no matter what time of year it is or how old I was. Ever since I can remember, I've always had these crazy vivid dreams. But um, but yeah, we should, we should look into that. And I know you have a website. It's www dot Hewitt

m FT dot com. Is that right? Yep? Cool? So for our listeners out there if they want to check it out and and you know, read a little bit more about Hilly hewittt, be sure to check out our website www. Dot Hewitt m FT dot com. Um, Hilly, is there anything else you'd like to tell our listeners before we before we get you off the phone, be gentle with yourself. You're doing great, your whole exactly as

you are. I love it. Thank you. It's all about self compassion and I definitely am an advocate for that message as well. Um, Hally, Well, thank you so much for the time. It's always a pleasure to have intelligent and thoughtful and mindful people like you on the podcast. Um, and hopefully we'll see you next week. I'm not sure if we'll be able to get you in here, but if we are, that being incredible, and if not, we'll just be sure to speak later on great Thanks for

having me everyone, Thank you have a great day. Thanks well, that was that was great self compassion super important. That we're important. You want to know else is important and what's been very important to a lot of us is Jet Sweet X. So Jet Sweet has set out to make an airline you actually look forward to flying. It's the airline that's all air and no lines. And I just made that up on the spot. I'm pretty proud of that one. Jet Sweet. It's making it fun to

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it's the airline that's all air and no lines. You can show up just before your flight. You don't have to worry about security. You don't have to worry about. Um, all of the things that suck about flying get taken out and put into jets business class leg room on board. I wish we had that to Are you guys going to Bali? Yeah? Anyways, be sure to check it out jet sweet x dot com dot com. You're you're gonna love it if you give it a chance. We're flying to Vegas in a couple of weeks for the I

Heart Radio Music Festival. I cannot wait. Um, we'll be a bunch more fun than Bally. You guys still Vanessa Taylor, I know you have to leave you. I'm so sad. I wish I can get to the emails with you. Guys. What you really wish you could have is Dean's gonna about to eat an onion like an apple? So oh yes, why why would you do that? I thought you tweeked about about. Last night. I was munching on an onion out of the refrigerator and I was like, you know what,

I love onions. I love onions. Onions. Well, it doesn't have to be cooked. I think I can eat onion or a red onion. It's a purple onion, yeah red onions? Okay, Yeah, yeah, I could eat a raw red onion, the whole thing that I will bite into it. And so Tanya's gonna sit down with me. We're going to discuss emails while I eat onion. And I don't know, I don't I didn't really plan on doing it, but I was like, you know what, I think I could do it, and so I want to see if I can mind over matter.

I believe in you. Anyways, you guys are the best. Thank you so much for being in studio. So I love when you're in studio. You sound so crisp and clear, and I love doing this to you guys, Virgin Radio and Taylor. Thank you Virgin Radio Montreal though, because they're the ones that like hooked up the studio. So thank you guys, Virgin Radio Montreal. You're the best. Um, be sure you guys have a blast and BALLI will miss

you while you're gone. Maybe we can give you a call while you're out there and hear some more about Taylor's Um. How Ottawa is tonight, yeah yes, yes uh? And Vanessa, hopefully you find an incredible hang out with Yeah. Maybe she's just keeping things very proud. I wouldn't be surprised, will not be surprised. Um, okay, guys, well, thank you so much again. Have a have a safe flight, have fun on your trip, and we'll talk to you soon. You Okay, So Tany is here and you guys have

a date coming out. So I want to lockdown some details before this date happens because a lot of people are excited about this date and I am one of them, and i'm one of them too. Well, first and form, i'd like to thank Tanya for bringing me a raw onion. I think we end with the onion. I think that's well. I don't I plan on like eating it over the course of twenty minutes. I'm not gonna just yeah, that's true.

It would get a little old deft for a while. Okay, well let's let's I'm not going to just munch you as quick as I can. If the tweet was pretty sure, I could eat no onion like an apple if someone dared me too, I won't, but I could pretty sure. So now we're daring you too. Well, it's not even that I was just it's like a self there, okay, right, is that your phone ringing? So I've eaten a lemon like an apple before, Like with the peel and everything.

Why did you eat a lemon like an apple? Lemons are delicious and I like the peels quite a bit. It tastes really good, so I think all the all the vitamins are in the peel. Anyway, question, since you did that, have you eaten another lemon like an apple? So this is like a regular thing that you do. I wouldn't say it's a regular thing. It's really bad for your teeth and almel, but it is something that I've done. So I understand eating non apple fruits well.

And here's the vegetables. I don't who was that told us which foods are allowed to be eaten with your hands as a whole, like like a hand fruit, like a hand fruit. Yeah, some fruits are hand fruits, by the way, my daddy's apples the whole thing is. I always found that interesting. And oranges too with the peel. What about bananas? Can you guys eat banana pels? To? Do you think your father eats banana peels? Oh? That's the line. That's where the line is. Orange feels fine.

I have heard that watermelon seeds have almost every nutrient you can name, and you should be you should not leave them behind, but then they grow watermelons in your belt. That's actually not true. That Rugrats episode you remember that? Yeah, cute? When is the day? It doesn't seem to think I'm being serious about this? I don't. That's correct, she does not think that, And you know what, I'm very deeply upset by that. I'm not. But why why don't you

think I'm being serious about it? Because you're like always giving this weird like squinty side eye. You're like, what are you? What are you up to? I don't know, because I guess. I mean, I've known you for so long. So why did you not ask me out a year ago? Why is it on me t ask you out? Why didn't you ask me out a year ago? Oh? Well, I didn't ask you out. This time? You did, and I did. I was one that brought it up, That's

what I'm saying. I don't know the time. You seem to think that if the guy is interested, he will aberately ask someone out. You discussed this recently, and I don't think that's true. I think guys will sit on it. They'll sit on that desire, wait for a big opportunity, because guys are afraid of rejection. Yeah, guys are definitely afraid of rejection. I don't know if that was necessarily the case, not that I wasn't afraid of rejection, because

I certainly am, but I don't know you. I'm not normally one to make the first move regardless of fear of rejection or not. Asking someone on a day is very rare for me, So this is rare. You certainly are a special, rare little bird. And I'm sure the date might suck it that's the spirit, but it might be great too. I am excited because I really was thinking about it. I feel like I've never spent a loone time with you. No, it's always been in group

setting upsettings. But I feel like I know you really well. I think you have an idea of me, and I think I'm different in group settings, and when I am in a one on one setting really to a varying degree.

Like I think when I'm in a group setting, I kind of like to let other people talk and do their thing, and I kind of just like hang out and like maybe i'd like um supplemental words as the conversation moves along, but I never really like have full on conversations with people one on one in group settings like that. So it'll be interesting because I stay with you, I mean not so much same with you, but like I haven't had to have a chance to sit down and have to a one on one conversation with you

because we've always been in those group settings. So tomorrow night is the date. Wednesday night? Wednesday night. What time is this happening. I'm picking her up at six thirty from our house in Santa Monica, which I really appreciate the time. That is nice. Six Good for you early enough, you have to get up early in the morning. Nothing I hate more than when a guy ask men on

a date and asks for like nine. That's a little bit too presumptive of I think it's presumptuous in a sense like Okay, let's go out and it'll be a late nine pm and then we'll get you back like eleven. And what are we doing because we don't be specific because we don't want an audience for you guys. But we're talking dinner? Are we talking? What are we talking? Yeah, I'm gonna take her out to dinner. I'm gonna pick her up. Where are we going? Where are you asked

to go? You said you wanted to go, We're gonna go. Okay. The thing with Wednesday nights in Santa Monica is there's a Pure concert there every week. Oh yeah, which it might be a little aggressive for the first date, but I would be open to the idea of attending. Why is that aggressive, Well, just because dinner's gonna be an hour and a half long, right, will be in the area. Dinner is like like an hour and a half long. And then I want to get you at home by a

reasonable hour, like nine at the latest. I understand you have early mornings with Ryan Seacrest. It's very nice, very considerate dude, and I would I could be by ten, okay. Like I have a lot of friends that will be at the Pure concert. I'm uncertain about whether I should. I want to introduce you my friends, but I'm uncertain

of whether that's appropriate or not. I don't know if that is Like if I bring you into like a crowd of like one of my friends, I think they might be a little much for a first dage, Like it's too aggressive. I just don't handle. I don't want to make of course you could. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So it's there's a lot of things that I'm kind of trying to think. I'm trying to figure out what to where should I wear a tie? What kind of flowers should I get? Here? Probably not

a tie flowers? Yes you Betty? Who is performing tomorrow night at the Pier. So the thing with pier concerts is you never really go for the music. You can't just go for them. Yeah, but I'd go for the music. This is that's pretty good. Yeah, maybe you can get us backstage? All right, here we go. Here comes the first butt of the onion. Here comes I don't know why I haven't in the sooner. This is delicious. While you eat that disgust, I'm going to give you this

first email. Okay, so while you chew, let's all ponder. Let's chew over this. And I'm supposed to kiss you tomorrow. He'll brush your teeth before tomorrow. Who says it's gonna end in a kiss? Oh? I mean it has to go well for both of us. I feel like that's we shouldn't assume a kiss. That's true. I don't give him away like Halloween Candy, Tara has an email. I started seeing someone recently. I've known a few years through

a mutual friend. I was in relationship for five years with my ex, so this new guy was never on my radar until recently. We ran into each other, but he started catching up. But I'm having a blast with him. Such a nice guy. He impresses me more every day. Here's the pickle. He and his girlfriend of two years just broke up less than a month ago. He's still moving out of their house because they lived together. It's

not a place in his life. He says. I want to know that I'm not wasting my time seeing someone who's not ready for something new. He says, let's just take it day by day and enjoy where this is going. Question, is it possible to move on that quickly after a breakup, Even if someone says they're okay, they're ready to date. What is the appropriate time to heal before jumping in head first. I don't want to put myself in a place to get hurt by someone who's not ready. I'm

twenty six, he's twenty eight. That's Tara. I don't think it's too soon, and personally, are you crazy? Everyone grieves differently. Two years It years is a long time, yeah, less than a month ago. It takes half the amount of time. No, you can't just apply that rule to every relation you can. And so she's questioning whether it's too soon for him. I don't think he really think she has the place

to make that judgment call for him. She's protecting herself because he she thinks he might still be hung up on his ax. Yeah, she's a modern woman, which is fantastic, But also I don't think it's her right or her place to be saying, oh, it's too soon for him. If he's ready and then he asked you on a date, then I think he's ready and he or is he just telling himself that he's ready because he likes her and he wants a date her. But he's really genuinely

not healed. And even if he's not fully healed, I think part of the healing process is going on dates with other people. Oh, and she doesn't want to be that girl. She's not that girl, but maybe she can be the girl that like helps him. It's not a bad thing, I don't think personally, I think that she shouldn't be concerned at all, especially the age twenty. I

think they're at the age where he's twenty eight. He if you just got out of a long term relationship and he's serious about being in a relationship, he'll want to be on the look a like pursuance of that. He doesn't want to waste his time again. I mean, I'm almost twenty eight, and if he wants to be in a relationship, he shouldn't have to waste his time to grieve the breakup. He should be gung hall about getting into that relationship. We don't know the circumstances of

the brick up. Maybe he broke up with her, maybe she cheated on him. Like, we have no idea what's going on there um, But I think to me the key was he's telling me to take things day by day and enjoy where this is going. And to me that it's the healthiest way to do an early relationship. It's just take it day by day and see where it goes. Right. We don't need to put the card before the horse. We don't need to decide this is a year multi year relationship. It's a it's day by day.

If you want to wait till he moves out completely, that seems reasonable to me. I missed that part that they were living together, right, and in the process of moving out, I missed that part. I think it's fine to wait until he's out, But then I think taking it day by day he says he's enjoying wor it is going you enjoy it too. I think that's the healthiest way to continue this. Here's what we're so guilty of, too,

is we here's had a phone call. Yeah, we always you have to put your phone away during our day, by the way, absolutely well, but I still want to be able to record our chemistry. Um. What I think we're so guilty of as a generation is we put so much pressure on a relationship or a non relationship so early you go on three or four or five dates, and then you start to ask yourself, okay, like where

is this going to go? Is this someone that I can begin to see myself, like introducing my family, that type of stuff, which I understand the utility in that, but I also think it can be kind of it can take away from the counterproductive. It takes away from

the relationship in a sense. It's like, okay, like I've known this guy for you know, X amount of time, a few weeks, a month or so, and now I'm gonna put all this pressure on it by thinking about what the future might hold for us when it's like, like Mark said, just take it day by day and let it unfold naturally. This is true, but it's when you start to gains those feelings and that's when you start to ask those questions because you realize, man, I

am really vulnerable right now. And that's Terra's biggest fear. I think. I think that there's no issue agreed. Once he fully moves out from his ex's apartment, then you can be totally okay with it. I think timeline, I think half of the time that they were together to get over a breakup is just the most erroneous thing that you could possibly think of. It just it just

doesn't make sense to me. I think you could date someone for five years, you're gonna say it takes you have to be single for two and a half years after that? No way. I don't agree with that. Not single in terms of like not dating, but I think dating around and giving herself some time. So you don't think you should be in a relationship for two and a half years after a five year relationship, I mean, not necessarily, but kind of he's on her heels, she's

back pedaling already. I think that just such a bad could be the one, This guy could be the one you never know. And right and now, if she's sitting there thinking about, oh I didn't give myself him enough time, I don't know. I think go for it. I think it's not your place to say whether or not he's over it, and I think that you should just go for it. I agree. How did the smell over there? Tiny? Because I'm getting a pretty strong and you're a lot closer to mean than I am. I have another bite

right to the mic, right, get it really right in there? Yeah, this is from Laken. Do you know how gassy that's gonna make you? Onions? Make you super gassy? I don't do they really? Yeah? I just learned that from Mycloniconic, by the way, and four bites in, there's no going back now. Uh, here's Laken's problem. After college, I moved back to my small Texas town where literally everyone went to high school with his married two to three kids. Because of that and being a basic female who has

dreamed of getting married my whole life, I settled. I got engaged and married to a guy who couldn't have been more wrong for me. Long story short, the marriage was over well before I started. In less than a year after the wedding, it was annulled. Thing. Now, at twenty eight, I'm a year and a half out of that situation, gone on several days, but I'm always scared to mention this. It's not something I mentioned on the

first day. But do do I need to? Should I be honest with everybody about the fact that I went through an annulment. I was married before it was quickly annulled. But I feel like that's baggage and great guys are gonna look at that as a red flag. Is it baggage? Is it a red flag? She wants to know from the guy's perspective, Dean single guy out on the town, meet a girl, she's great, having a great time, and oh she was married and got it annulled. It's definitely

not baggage. There's no way that that would ever be baggage. It's definitely something worth speaking about. I feel like though, it definitely wouldn't hinder anyone being interested and if they if it does remove someone's interest in you, then they're probably not the right person. For you anyways, But I mean,

who cares. I think it's kind of like how everybody says everybody when I dated a guy that was divorced, and I prefer a divorced guy over and like forty something and never married, because I was like, I think it just shows that he's not afraid of commitment instead of somebody that's forty something and never been married. And I feel like there's a little bit of a something there. So I think to her, like the fact that she was married just shows that she wants marriage. It just

wasn't the right guy. And I think it's your approach to it too. I think when you look at something as baggage, that's how you're going to like portray it when you're on a date. But I think if you look at it as just something that's part of your past, like everybody has a past, everyone's made mistakes, and everyone's had long term relationships usually in the past. This one just went one step farther than everyone else's. And the fact that it was annulled means it was just you

both agree it was a huge mistake. It's different from a divorce. I don't understand what the difference is. I thought annulment was less than a year. I'm not sure what the rules of annulment are. To be honest, I think it's like has to be within a certain window anyways, more or a story. It's not baggage. How long do you think she should wait till she tells guys about it? The first date, second, third date, second or third age? Yeah, not the first. So she's comfortable enough with them, Yeah,

feel him on a little bit. And I like the idea that if you see it as baggage, they will see it as baggage. If you just own it as just part of your past, that's how they will see it. I will never forget the advice I got from U with You Hussey, who said, Um, there was a single mom. She had two kids, and she always looked at her kids because she didn't they didn't know that when they she would go out on dates and the guy didn't know she had kids, and she was always scared to

tell them because she thought it was baggage. And he said, first of all, they're your children. They're not baggage. But it's the way that you say it. And so if you are on a date and you say, oh, my gosh, you have the greatest dimples. They look just like my son's. So you like weave it into conversation without saying I don't know, I don't know if I like that idea very much. You don't like that, not really, because then

you're like, wait, wait, wait, backtrack for a second. You're what, why didn't you tell me about this explicitly instead of trying to like give me a little context clues to pick up on. I don't like that you don't like that. That was the best advice. I would not hear another word you said as long as you kept talking, like did you just say she has a son? I think that works when you're like, you're not sure if you're being hit on and you have a boyfriend. But like

a major because kids. I thought it was like nonchalant, like because kids are definitely not baggage. But it is definitely a major talking point that needs to be addressed, right, Yes, it needs to be addressed. It's not something you casually throw in there. Shoot, I've been like preaching this like, I mean, teach their own I think that's clearly we're

very opposite right now. In our opposite tract, I do have to say my dad is a fan of Dean already, yes, because he just first of all, he's never once watched The Bachelor, has no idea, but he listened to the podcast that Dean was on. Oh he did last week scrubbing him, Yes, and that's when he was like that boy made some really some great points and you were just like went in. And it's funny that this has

helped by second dating and that was scrubbing in. But it's all the three of us in the room and YouTube Florida and be moderating the flirt. It's kind of funny that those are two separate podcasts. Who is this girl? So cording this on his phone and he keeps getting calls from a girl and it's kind of bothering a girl. It's a girl and my friend who are at lunch right now, who I'm meeting up with after this, and they're probably wondering where I am? Where are you? See?

This is not a girl, This is my roommates. Don't they get the hint? How many phone calls do you have to ignore you doing a podcast? I do like the conversation of forty and unmarried or forty and divorced, which is more preferable. I do like that topic. That is interesting. Really quick, I want you to take on this. When I was eighteen, idated a young lady that was married but they were broken up. They just couldn't afford to get divorced. He was he lived in New York,

and she like she moved out here. And that made me like, like it was like, you know, I was eighteen, she was like twenty one. It was exciting, you know, but uh, that's that's weird, right, Like I shouldn't be teen and married and separated. She was twenty when I was eighteen. Yeah, so they got married or made for like a year and they're like, yeah, this isn't working. And then I just went their separate ways but couldn't. Like she told me like, oh we just haven't gotten

divorce yet. Too huge paints, super expensive, and I just you know, we did it for like a year or two. Did you ever meet him, Yeah, yeah I did. I met him. I met him before they had gotten married. Actually I saw I knew him from before, and you still went after her wheels within wheels. Yes, weren't friends, you just knew each other. No, I just yeah, we worked at the same movie theater. You must know that a special bond will never understand fully exactly exactly like

it's like a veteran coo divorce. I think. I think if I were forty years old and single, I would have rather been married and divorced. Although that's something I never ever want, I think that would be preferable. Is there anything about a divorce that just gives you pause? Like? Is it tell you that maybe he can't sustain a long term relationship? What was it about his wife that eats onions like apple? Here we go? Is the divorce a negative at all? Or it's just not as much

of a negative as never married? Yes, but I think that there's You can ask that question about anything that's true. Honestly, I would prefer a divorced forty year old than a single forty because you have gone out with some forty some things who are never married, and you have to wonder about that, don't you. You do and it always comes to light. Yeah, I know this is a question that I shouldn't be asked, But how old are you? Okay?

Do you date younger men? Ever? You can ask me that I'm not embarrassed by me you're beautiful, for one, I mean granted, not that not that that obviously needs to be said. I literally was going to guess that you were younger than me. I thought you were Fatty's face right now. I thought you were going to be let's just admit all of this from the podcast. My mind is focused on the onion. I can't think clearly. Um no, I'm not telling you. I literally thought you

were younger than me, and that's the compliment. Yes, it was in the hallway there when it was my birthday, was leaving and I had balloons and one of those sales people were like, turning twenty three. I was like, no, one more email. This is a tough one. It's an anonymous email. Her boyfriend and her have been together for ten years. All of her friends are married with children,

something they want so badly. They talk about marriage. Oh yeah, there, they talk about marriage, but there is no progression towards that. I've introduced both of his brothers to their now wives, and yet there's still no progress on our part. I love him so much, but there are things that scare me about our future. Ten years they've been together. Are you too listening or just flirting? Over there because I feel like there's not much listening happening and a lot

of flirting. And he just grabbed my hand and it smells like onion. She goes to church every Sunday, but he won't go with her. I don't want to beat the girl with her kids alone at church in the future. And by the way, that is a big thing. Anyway. Recently, a guy from my church and I have become great friends. And that's all it was at first, but now I think we begin to catch feelings and he has expressed

to me how interested he is in me. We tell because now almost daily and I've been very deep conversations about what we want out of life. He's such a great guy. Our morals matchup completely. He's hilarious, which is a plus. He's so good looking. Has made me feel a way I didn't know it's possible. I have never in ten years with my boyfriend cheated or even thought about another guy. But this guy makes me a question everything.

I don't know if I'm just starting to present my boyfriend or if I really could potentially have something with church guy. Should I stay with my boyfriend of ten years and keep waiting and not know if we'll ever get married, or should I break up with my boyfriend of ten years and change my whole life to try things with Church guy. I'm twenty nine, My boyfriend and church Guy are both thirty three. There's a tough one to me ahead A couple of concerns that I have

in this whole situation a boyfriend of ten years. Concern how are you going to have a boyfriend for ten years if you're after three years and you're still not engaged and the conversations aren't happening. Ten years is a long time. A long time. What red flag number one, red flag number two I have with Church Guy is it's very easy to be the other guy and be very complimentary of the other person. And if there's the

compliments are what you responded to the most. I don't think that there is much um continuity that later on. Like like I said, it's very easy to be this other guy and say all the right things, because maybe she's getting something different from him than she has from her boyfriend of ten years. Um, I think there's probably has to get that attention which she hasn't gotten in a long time. It sounds like from her boyfriend or

anybody else, right. I mean, I appreciate the consistency that she like, she goes to church with this guy, and maybe he's nice to her and all that kind of stuff, But I don't think it's worth throwing away a relationship of ten years red flags and all, even though like you shouldn't boyfriend go friend for ten years? Just too much my opinion, that's all I have to say. Okay, but those are kind of conflicting things you just said. I know, I think that she needs to dump you

are a dichoty dumping boy. Well the thirty one year old uh has some good advice here, I think. I think that if you've been with this guy, pretend years, and you haven't married him, and you're already having these reservations about not going like not going to church with him, not bringing your kids, like being the single mom with the kids or whatever. Um, I think and this is a bold move, but I really believe that ending this tenure relationship and exploring this new one could have potential.

I agree. My concern is that church guy is clouding her judgment of her current situation and making it seem worse than it is. And I feel like she needs to analyze her current relationship without the outside influence because that's not going to help it. She needs to determine if this is worth pursuing. It's gonna be a lot of conversations, it's gonna be hard, but this needs to survive or end on its own merits before we explore anything with anybody else. But here's that's the best advice.

But here's the thing. And she ends the relationship with her boyfriend, chases this guy that goes to church with her, and then breaks up with him for whatever reason because he's not the guy that she thought he was. Then she's going to forever regret throwing away the relationship with not necessarily because this doesn't sound like a great relationships. But that's why I'm saying it needs a succeuter fail

on its own merits. If it failed out its own merits, then you're free to look at anything else and you're not gonna regret what happened with the ten year guy. You might regret regret and lost years. So church guy removed from the situation. That relationship should play it as it may, and if it fails, then church guy becomes an option. How does that work. Yeah, it becomes an option eventually, eventually, but he shouldn't. You should kind of. I think she should get him out of her mind

right now. And really, if this were to end, it shouldn't make you shouldn't call him the next day. That's actually a very strong point, that is that's the best advice. I agree. Well, thank you you're so smart. Mark. Well, you know, thank you. I appreciate that. I've learned a lot doing these podcasts. But it's true. You have to just analyze this, like the relationship that you're in without any voices like outside, figure out what you want to do with that, and then proceed there. Both of his

brothers to their current wives. And she still can't get the ring from this guy. It's not great. Ten years now, she's twenty nine. So in nineteen they started dating. So I understand that didn't happen the first three or four years, but now it's time to uh, what's the phrase, or get off the pot? Yeah, pony up or get off the boat. That's what they say. That's what they say. All right, how's that onion? Ah? I couldn't get through it.

Oh no, how half of it? Maybe? Yeah, it's just just a little a lot for the palette, and Tanya kept looking at me weird the entire time. I just maybe in like a in a more private setting. Maybe I'm gonna go home and just on on my couch. I feel like it's going to hurt your stomach. I'm worried about that now. I wonder what I should eat now to curb the like the uneasiness in my stomach that I might get which or might not get. I think I have very good uh gut, because I eat

a lot of crap and I'm usually okay. So we'll see, but more of a story. I could even onion like an apple. I just chose not to today because Tanya is here and we're going on a date tomorrow. I don't want her to look at me through onion glasses. Already saw it dinner concert. I like it. Yeah, what are you gonna wear it? Tanya? I don't know. I'm excited. It's gonna be fun, and even if it's not fun, it'll still be. It's going to be so fun. It's going to be so fun. Are you kidding? Anyways? What

do you think the chances are, Tanya? On a percentage scale of the kiss at the end of the night. Okay, what are the chances of a makeout session? Wow? If it's really good, are you gonna drink at dinner? Yeah, a drink? A drink. Okay, I wasn't planning on it, but I guess I could have as well. Session. I'll go pro makeout. That's great. Anyways, I would like to first and I guess I'd like to end by thanking everyone for listening to this podcast. Big thank you to

our sponsors homesick. Be sure to get to your home centered candle at homesick dot com by using codean for free shipping. It's been it's helping. The onion stands you really is just helping in general. Maybe when I bring you home to Colorado to meet my brothers, you can enjoy that scent in real life. Like I still, I just have so many questions. Big big thank you to Jet sweet X for being a sponsor on the podcast and for offering airlines all the air with no lines.

Big thank you to Vanessa and Taylor for calling in, and of course, of course, how could we forget Hayley for calling in. Haley Hewett. Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to check out her website www. Dot Hewitt m FT dot com. Maybe we'll have around next week to do some brainspoting. That's been pretty cool. Um anyways, and Tania Antania, of course, how could we forget Tanya stepped in, Vanessa had to go Townia happened to be around. So just always a light in this dark room that is the past.

That's very nice, and big thank you to Mark Easton and Tory for sharing her father's onion or orange eating abilities that I'll do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck At Dating. My name is Dean Unglert and maybe next week, according to Tanya, I might suck a little bit less. Follow help by Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast