#42 Welcome Back Unglert

I missed a lot of things while I was away, but this might be the one thing that I missed the most. We missed you every Tuesday afternoon one pm, coming in seeing these beautiful faces in burd Bank. Here we go. What a time to be alive. Thank you so much for having me back. Thank you for allowing me to come back. Stop at this is your podcast. I'm just merely like guest, shut up. You filled in? I'm not filled in. I feel like the podcast. While I was away, he was even getting better reviews on

the iTunes store than when I was here. I was reading some of them. There was no roast. They were all Oh my god, this podcast is drastically improved since Dean has left, never bringing back. So I mean, sorry, guys, but here I am. Please everybody wants you back. Team we all love you. Were also joined by Eastern and as always, the two wonderful men, and in studio we have a wonderful guest to start off our podcast. We have the wonderful Holly Martin. Holly, thank you so much

for joining us. Thank you for having me on the show. Please, it's our pleasure. So Holly, uh, you know, talk about yourself, you when you have this fall coming out? Would it kill you to put on some some lipstick hopefully, But talk about that, talk about your dating history, talk about why you're here. Well, you know, first, when I found out the the title of the show, I feel completely qualified to be here because I still suck at dating, right. I don't think you know, I was thinking about it.

Nobody for hundreds and hundreds of years has figured this stuff out, and we're not going to figure it out today. But it helps to talk about it helps, right, that progress at the end of that as long as we're making progress right, right. So my story is I've I've got twenty years on you, guys, I you don't look a day over thirty. I'm not talking about that. He looked wonderful. Thank you, thank you. But I think there's a distinct difference about dating in your forties after you've

been married before versus you guys. You know you're ready to go to the altar next summer, right, I am. Yes, we are planning dates as we speak, right. And you know, there's a big psychology of what happens when you stand in front of anybody that you've ever you know, known your community, in front of people, and you make fouls and you commit to somebody and then it may or

may not work. And what happens when you find yourself, you know, in your mid forties, and you know of marriages fail and you're you're really in a in a tough place. I was devastated, I was grieving and and I really triggered an identity crisis. Well, you've been divorced twice. I've been divorced twice, so even my do over had failed. How tough was that the second time? If you don't mind me asking, brutal, brutal, and and it actually was what UM prompted me to write my book because I

was in so much pain. I was actually writing, trying to write novels, and I ended it up just realizing I have to write through this pain. And I was sitting in a spa, feeling sorry for myself. I had just broken up a boyfriend had dumped me that I

had been dating. And this was after the two divorces. Yes, yes, And I'm sitting in a spa and I come across this magazine article and it's written um about a journalist who was widowed in her thirties, and she had waited, you know, the better part of her life to meet this love of her life. She gets pregnant. They they you know, they're ready to enjoy this baby. And her husband is stricken by cancer and dies and well, right

like within a couple of months, and it's horrible. And she crosses paths with the late comedian Joan Rivers, and Joan Rivers looks at her and says, would it kill you to put on some lipsticks? Up right? And and it's and she said, set up an online account, go on a hundred dates, and you'll meet somebody. And I sat there at that spa and I thought, oh my god, maybe maybe this is the answer, and I had to find out and so that became the inspiration for my book Love It Well. And so how it tell us

a little bit more about the hundred dates? Then, So did you go on a hundred dates? That's whatever, pretty darn closed and a couple of things. It's not a hundred guys, And I didn't sleep with a hundred guys,

of course, right well, not not the implication whatsoever. But you're still going grabbing drinks, having dinner with these guys now, and there's multiple I mean, there ends up becoming really three main dates, three main characters, and then, um, you know the one off there, you know, two dates or something that I went on with within your story, you have pretty much three solid relationships that came from that. Um, I would say one solid relationship at the end. Um

at one point I was dating. On the West Coast, I was dating a thirty three year old fireman, and on the East Coast I was dating a sixty two year old Boston Was this at the same time, Yes, yes, which which I have a follow up question for that too, is throughout the course of this year, on any given time or any given moment, how many guys. Were you dating simultaneously? I think I think the most at one point was four. That was just too much. Did they

know about that you were dating on the guys? It was? And this is the other thing, is I you know you asked me? I was married twice and I was basically married to to David's ten years each and I ever I never dated in between. And the names were actually both David, Well they're not really named Dvid. Two guys, same names, like twenty years of the two girls, and I always names Privacy. And so I realized, like here

in in my forties, I've never had my time. I've never had my time to date, and and I was clueless. And so I'm going into this pretty darn clueless. And so why do you think you were clus? Do you think you're cluse because you haven't dated in so long and the world was different? Is that? Like? How old

were you when you first got married? Well? I got it was twenty seven, but I had been with that, you know, the man to become my husband, like for ten years, Like yeah, so we've been like twenties with one man and then thirties into forties with the second. And I didn't have children with my first husband, I had a child with my second and and so it was doubly painful because there was a child involved too, Right, Yeah, that's really tough. I'm it's like, I'm very weird to

say because we just met. I'm proud of you for being so. I know that's a weird thing to say, but you can just tell how open you are about your relationships and your past and trying to really for our listeners give them advice about well, this is what I went through and hopefully this helps you in some way. That's really cool. And this book is this book is gonna be entirely nonfiction, right, like experiential stuff that you went through in your year off or do you? Yeah?

I mean I I covered myself a little bit. It's like, well, I'm sure you gotta change names for sake of promise and not that kind of stuff. But it's memoir. Nice memoir, Okay, very cool, very cool. And you know, to your point, Jared, I think, what what I want people who listen to me read my book understand is that we can let go of this shame. I mean, it weighed me down, It kept me in a marriage that wasn't working, and a lot of it was I was worried about how

other people would perceive. What would other people think? And think, how what do you mean negatively? Right? You know, it's funny, I'm at I don't know. I was in a in a bar in Toronto, UM a couple of months ago, and you know, this guy is chatting me up and he's like, well, are you married? And I said no, I'm divorced, and and he says how many times? And

I said twice? And he goes to time loser. But you know what, it was actually a big moment for me because I realized that's what I had been fearing for years, the judgment, the judgment, and and the other thing that happened to me is I had a health crisis in my early forties and I started to realize that, you know, my time here could be really short. And do we want to make major life decisions about love, happiness, who we are based on what other people might think

of us? And I realized that the that the person whose opinion matters the most is my own and I had lost my own self first backt oh, I can totally empathize with that, and I think for Deem myself, Vanessa um for us, I think sometimes we cater to social media, at least I do sometimes because I read comments and they really bug me. And then I realized that sometimes I do things to make sure I don't

get bad comments, if that makes any sense. Well, I think you made a point earlier to when you said you were your approach of the opportunity to go on Bit Australia, and you're like, I hate the fact that the thing that's stopping me from going on that show must most is the criticism that I could potentially received

from others. And so so Holly tears your point then for the listeners, because I feel like we do get a lot of listener feedback of people that have gone through a breakup and that are, you know, struggling to get back on the horse and kind of go through

that whole um struggle. What do you kind of what kind of advice would you have for them to you know, I guess look past the potential judgment from our peers or whatever it might be, and I guess kind of allow yourself to to get back out there because it's challenging, whether it's a divorce, a break up a boyfriend, whatever it is, you know, right, And I think you know, there's no shame in trying to find love and not getting it right however, right, I mean, it's it's it's

uh courageous to keep trying and to keep opening our hearts even though we might have scar tissue, you know. And the other thing that I learned on these hundred dates is is that it's not just about going out and trying to meet a guy, you know, It's about putting yourself out into the world, into the community. Um. One of the things I did in my book, as I told myself, I was never when I didn't have my daughter, I was never allowed to eat home alone. Right,

I had to keep putting myself out there. So I would, you know, go out and I would eat by myself, and I would meet men, and I would meet women, and I made new friends and it totally opened up my world. Um. That that the decision to not stay home, not feel sorry for myself, and to actively bring new good people into my life has completely transformed. Have you

always been like that? Because I remember reading as a young age you went you bought a one way ticket to tell Aviv and was like I'm soul searching right now. This is what I'm going to do. I'm traveling by myself, which is what Dean just did as well. Yeah, but you know what ended up happening was I, you know, so like like all of us, so many of us,

I so badly wanted the traditional marriage and family. And so when I in both of my marriages, I completely gave myself over to the marriage, and I, you know it, became a wife, you know, a partner. But I realized that in the process I had ended up starting to give up some of my own identity. And and so while it was incredibly painful for me to end up being divorced twice, I see now looking back on it five six years later, that had I not gotten divorced, I would not be who I was meant to be.

I am a stronger, more full developed version of who I am as a human being now, and had I stayed married, I don't know if I would be who I am now. Right. I think it's it's easy to kind of allow your own identity to not necessarily fade away, But when you're focusing so much on the relationship to marriage, whatever it is you do kind of lose sight of

yourself for better for worse. I think a lot of people can get married and be perfectly okay with that of losing kind of that bit of individuality if they feel as a as a person before the relationship, right. Um. Some some couples do it better where they both kind of keep that individuality, and some do it where they prioritize the relationship. And I think there's definitely definitely different

ways of doing it. Um. But if you go out and if you soul search, like you said, you traveled alone, I think that in and of itself kind of shows that you, I guess, care enough about you as an individual that you don't want to lose sight of that, which is great, right. I mean, in the end, don't we isn't a good relationship about two whole people coming together? Right?

When I for my entire life out the exact same thing, where it's you should go living your life about the way that you decide and plan on living it, and eventually someone's gonna come in that's gonna complement that and not necessarily going to make you do anything differently. Right.

So it's like this like utopian idea where I'm just gonna do everything that I want to do when I want to do it, and then someone's gonna come in and we're both gonna be doing our things together but separately, you know exactly, And and you know, we can make ourselves crazy about you know, is this right or wrong? But in the end you will know if it works, if that relationship works, it's just gonna feel natural and you're not going to have to grind gears too much

on it. Yeah, we had a guess on a couple of weeks ago who said a relationship is in fifty it's on, and that people need to bring in one of themselves into the relationship and it shouldn't be of themselves, and then they keep fifty percent out like you need to bring yourself entirely in your individuality, you know, your good parts, your bad parts, all of those things. Um So, I mean obviously this begs the question, Holly, are are you dating? Are you single? What's going on with you?

What's the status? Okay, so the status is it's early days. Um Met a really wonderful guy. I've only been dating him for a month. He is kind of freaked out about what it consiminating for sure. He said, I feel like I'm dating Carrie Bradshaw. That's amazing. And he said, so is he more eighten or big? He's his own guy. That's the best answer. You know, he really is one of a kind. And so he asked me not to talk about us. So he said, a very firm boundary,

and I'm going to respect it because he's worth it. Right, that's amazing to hear. Great and necessary, I feel like, especially when I think in a relationship where one party has a voice publicly and the other maybe is not necessarily interest or doesn't have it, it's very important to those boundaries, I feel like too. Yeah, especially if you cherish and value the relationship. It's great that you guys were able to kind of figure that out beforehand, right

it is? And and what's you know what's nice? You know? The positive about dating in your forties and into your fifties is hopefully by this time, you know you know who you are, Like, you know the guy I'm dating, he knows who he is, and he knows what he wants and and he's strong in him in his convictions. Um, I think another thing that's really interesting about where I'm at in my life versus where you guys are is that I've had my babies, right, you know, biology sets

us up. So the partners that you know, Vanessa, you and you both are looking for are potentially you know, the mother and fathers of your children. And you know, now here I am twenty years later, I've had my babies. The partner that I'm looking for is very different. Actually, Um, it's it's the man or the woman to spend the second half of your life with, and it may be very different than who you might choose to to raise a family with. That's an interesting point you make too,

And it's very evident. I feel like, because I'm in my late twenties now, I would ta late twenty is right. Yeah, And you can see how women maybe in their thirties or so. I know. Vaness actually spoken on this a couple of times. Is you know, it's kind of unfair because there's a biological clock that you have to take into account when you're considering relationships. Um, but I guess once that clock has expired because you've already gotten you know,

you have a daughter. You said, yes, which is fantastic. Oh we don't have to we call her David David everyone. You know what in the book, her name is easy. We call her after the Pokemon, Right, I was like an easy um. But once once that's fulfilled and you don't necessarily have that as a requirement for a relationship, It's interesting to see how that could evolve the suitors that you're then looking for from that point forward. So yeah, and you know, that's that's what I ended up doing

when I started dating again. As I thought, you know, I'm going to just rid my mind of any pre preconceived idea of who I should be dating, you know, based on age, race, income, all of that. Right, you know who I should be dating just see who I connect with. I think that's evident by the forty year gap between the West Coast boyfriend and these ghost boyfriends, which is fantastic. Highly recommend dating fireman, I really do. Why is that? Wow? They're just in good shape, all right.

I guess I gotta find me a fireman. That's so Holly, Just say, if you could give one piece of advice to all the listeners out there who might be going through similar things with you, whether it be breakups, divorces, kind of trying to get themselves back on their feet. What would your best advice be, Put yourself out there, And it doesn't have to be online. It just means leaving the house and get out into your community, eat dinner once a week by yourself, get off your phone,

look up and talk to people. That's I think that's the biggest challenge I could. I can empathize with that being difficult because I just love sitting on my couch and not doing That's all I do is on the couch each chip and right right right, I say that to my my girlfriends. I mean, unless there's a home invasion, you're not going to meet anybody right now, You're right.

And it's increasingly more difficult to leave the oals because there's just so many options and distractions, Like why would I ever want to leave the couch when everything I want is right there? And I mean there's something to be said about internet dating that you can do that from home as well. But I know you said you are an advocate for that, right internet dating. I am, yes, I am, um. I mean I've met wonderful people you know, online real life and also set ups. Um, I am.

I am sort of finding that the best people I meet or or when somebody says, hey, I have a great friend I want you to meet, and or just someone you meet in real life, as you were saying, when you're out there just doing your and then you connect with like minded people. There's a there's a short story written by bj Novak, who is an executive producer on the Office, my all time favorite show, uh the

books called One More Thing. I don't know if I ever talked about this on the podcast, but a collection of short stories and j Novac is hilarious. He's a genius. He writes a story where if and when he's ready to fall in love with someone, that he's going to wear a red, bright red shirt wherever he goes, and then he's just gonna do everything he would do regularly,

like not have to worry about anything else. At the end of every single day, he would go on Craigslist miss missed Connections and just type in red shirt, and then he would see what everyone is saying about him wearing the red shirt, and he knows that that person would then fall for him for being exactly who he is at any given moment. You know what I mean? Wait, would you ever meet up with his miss connections? Well, it's like a it's a fictional short story, but it's

just like a funny thing to do. It's like because you just go out and live your life, to you what you're gonna do, and then like you see, if if it draws anyone into you, then that's the person that could potentional to be the one that's for you. It's just like it's a funny, I don't know, ironic way to meet someone you know. Isn't red like completely symbolic of love? And actually actually say, I think psychologically,

if you're wearing red, you're actually more attractive to the opposite. Really, Yeah, I don't know where I got that from, but I think I could just be making it somewhere. D Nobody is wearing red in this Red is my least favorite color, and I don't think I've ever worn red. Yeah, really, you've never seen in red. It's just it's not my color. I see a lot of grays, blues, and yeah, maybe occasionally green camels of cameras. So, Holly, what are you up to now? So I've actually begun work in my

second book. Um, and what was the name of your first book? I'm sorry it's called would it kill you to put on some lipsticks a year in a hundred dates. So that's my first baby, and I want to get that book out into the world starting the fall. For the listeners doing math at home, that's one day every three point six five days. That's a lot of dates. That's it's two days a week. And you don't even have a calculator from you just do that math in your head. It's kind of impressive, it really is, UM

and so and so. Then what happened is I started to think about, um, you know where I'm Where am I now at this point in my life. I'm comfortable with being single, I'm still been to finding love and on the heels of another breakup. I find myself in December of just this last year, I have three weeks um and I'm alone, and I just I tell myself and I sort of last minute, I'm spending Christmas the holidays by myself, and I thought, you know, I'm not going to sit here and wallow in this. I gotta

do something. So I told myself, I need to go to three new places by myself that I'd never been before. And it was last minute because it was the holiday. So I my first place I booked put to me to Mexico. Second place I went to was Copenhagen for Christmas, and then the third was Lisbon for New Year's And then when I was in Copenhagen, I got a bonus country in because my writer friend said, you just got to take the train over to Malmo, Sweden. You can

get a train across the water. And she said, my brother is a mime. You need to me. Yeah. So he's actually very very cool. And so my book, I think the title is going to be called Drinking with Mimes, so and and and so that that whole trip ended up becoming the most crazy adventure, and it I came home, I mean, just a different person in a way. I mean,

both of you guys can answer this. What is traveling alone for an extended period of time and new places that you've never been do for your character, for your for your soul so to speak. Okay, So, so one of the things I've noticed traveling by myself as a woman is yeah, I'm vulnerable. I have to pay attention to safety, but I'm also more approachable and and so I tend to meet wonderful people. So when I'm right,

when I'm traveling. When i'm you know, in this book, I'm looking for new stories from the people that I meet, and I'm hoping maybe there's a little romance or someone I'm going to meet. And and what happens is if you if you trust your intuition and just keep yourself open, wonderful things will happen. Um. You know, when I showed up in Lisbon for New Year's this year, I had

no plans. I didn't know what I was going to do, and I was wandering around the city by myself, and I see this small palace and I think, oh, this looks interesting. And I wander in and see that it's actually been turned in brand new, turned into a um, someone has just turned it into a hotel and there's a restaurant, and so I decide I'm going to go

there tonight by myself. So I go there and UM, I'm meeting alone and everyone's sort of staring at me like I'm some kind of free and and the wait staff comes over and says, you know you're you're alone. I really think you should meet the owner of the hotel. So incomes a man. He's he's probably six ft seven, wearing a long, black, custom made cape, so not as tall as Dean and my saw yeah, and he's playing for the other team. He's but he takes me under his wing and he says, I want to take you.

Just wanted to clarify no, and he's and he has this. It turns out the palace has the second highest best view of Portugal or sorry, off Lisbon. So we go up there, we drink port and we have grand old time. We tell each other our life stories. And he says, I'm having a New Year's Eve party tomorrow night, and I would like you to come as my guest. And that's a whole other story. I met all over the world.

I had my New Year's Eve was you know, church bells ringing all across Lisbon, fireworks for as far as the eye can see, and new people. And I realized that by doing this, by putting myself out there, trusting my intuition and taking a risk, look at how wonderful my life can be. Oh absolutely, I mean listen, if it's socially acceptable to wear a cape, and you would be the first walk around with Holly. Thank you so much for joining us. This was wonderful. Everybody, you can

go find Holly at Holly Martin dot com. Can you tell us well else people can find you a little bit about your website. Yes, so Holly Martin dot com and Martin is spelled m A R T y N and um social media. I'm at Holly L. Martin? What's what's the hell are you? I always asked names? So curious David's love finding out more names. I don't know why, Holly. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Book comes out you said later this year. Yet, well we're hoping to

announce this this fall. Okay, awesome, we'll just right here at help I second dating. We need someone to publish this because I want to read this book. Absolutely. What to put on some kill? You to put on some lipstick? Exactly? Um, be sure to check it out bookshelves. End of the year, Holly Martin dot com. In the meantime, we'll start go back with you later on maybe once it gets published. Plug it again. See how the second one is coming along.

Thank you so much, you guys. Well that was wonderful, Holly. She was so sweet, wasn't she she was? She's she's It's not often where you meet someone and so quickly. Just want to see them win. You know. I feel like with some with someone so open and honest about the struggles and the failures that they've had in life, it's just like you just want them. What's the best for them? You know. Yeah, she's very vulnerable, and she's also bringing she brought like a warmness around it, very sweet. Um,

you know what else she has from? Oh? I was gonna say, I'm not in studio, and I didn't get the chance to, like, um, have a conversation with you guys? Does my phone cut off? But I was wondering, probably the same question you're asking herself. Do you have great hair? Vanessa? She had such great hair. There's only one thing that she could possibly be using in order to get such wonderful hair like that. What do you think it is? Do you know what we're talking about? I have no idea.

Can someone please tell me more? So? I was actually I'm in New York City and I was with Kayla today and I was just staring at her and I'm like, your hair it's so thick and lustus and so anyways, I'm in New York. I'm m I flew in last night and I brought with me my actual my trouble sizes of sugar Bear gummies. Um, they're so delicious, the only supposed to take to a day, but they're so irresistible.

So if you can picture any celebrity with amazing hair, you can best to have a styles to clove them into. The Sugar Bear Hair Cigar Bear Hair is a bestseller on Amazon with thousands of rave reviews. I've been using it for probably now over a year. Um, I keep talking about it. I've seen the quality of my hair gets thicker, my nails. Um, they taste like sweet, delicious candy made with juice of real berries, but they contain

everything you need for stronger and healthier hair. As much vitamin A as four cups of brocili, as much vitamin C as one cup of cranberries, and as much vitamin D twelve as four organic eggs. Nutrients and Bear hair fans also found their nails and skin it improves over time, and I can attest to that well. I mean it sounds like the best product in the world. I mean I know that actually used sugar Bear hair. I know Dean uses it. Because there's no possible way your hair

could be so perfect without this. My favorite thing about it is it just taste delicious. It does taste pretty awesome. You definite should eat more than recommended, But I could eat those things all day long, a huge bag of them. It's only supposed to be to your day, but yes, you will only eat to a day, and we're telling you that. So all you guys have to do is

go to sugar Bear Hair dot com slash help. You go there for beautiful hair and a healthier you that sugar Bear hair dot com slash help go check it out, guys. Now moving on to the question that we all have on our minds, Dean, you've been away for so long? Are you still single? Did you meet the love of your life? You ever? Traveling? Was that on everyone's mind? Well? I was thinking, because I was. I was thinking to myself. You know, you've been away for a while, you've been traveling.

I wonder what his dating life has been like and if you if you met the one internationally? You guys, I'm engaged to be married. Yeah, for real, I met a girl. Uh No, I don't know. It's I think traveling alone. I'm not really one that goes out to drinks by myself. So it's so funny because Holly was here and she's like, just get off the couch, go

outside and like do stuff and meet people. And I'm like, yeah, that's great, But I like spent the entire days like exploring, walking around, like doing activities that I wanted to do. You've met interesting people along the way, people that I guess you were, Um, I mean I did, but it wasn't it wasn't my like, it wasn't my objective to meet a person while I was traveling to date, and I only exactly, I only spent like three to four days max in each country that I visited, so I

was moving around very like a lot. And so it's like like if I was maybe in a place for a week or two weeks, then you kind of like familiarize yourself a little bit more, you know, and you kind of have the ability to go potentially meet someone. But again, it wasn't really that high on my list. There were moments where, like when I went to Indonesia and Greece and Amsterdam, I met up with some of my friends from Los Angeles and their their mindsets were

so much different than mine. It was like in Greece, for instance, it was me and three my buddies and they were just like, let's go out and party and like try and talk to girls. And I'm just like, I really do not want to be doing that, but like obviously I did, like I went out with I don't want to go I'll see at the club exactly, and it was fun. It's just like it wasn't necessarily

maybe what I would be doing. That's kind of the funny thing that that I realized on this trip is I have too very prominent but very conflicting ideas that I always want to make the people around me happy and like do what they want to do. So like someone like let's go to the club, I'm like, all right, let's do it. But then on the other hand, I'm always like I just want to do what I want when I want to do it. And so it's like these two things that are like so conflicting but so

like me. I guess it's nice sometimes to get out of your comfort zone and do things that you're not used to doing, you know, I know I fully agree, but I feel like one of those things are let's go to the bar and get hammered. It's just like, Okay, we've done that a thousand times before. It is that really outside my comfort zone? If I've done it a

million times? And I mean that's fine, Like it's it's fun and like I enjoy I enjoy spending time with my friends and acting like morons, um like I've got some do that enough of the podcast? Do you really need to go out? And especially when you add alcohol into the equation, like I'm I'm enough of an idiot sober, and then you get me drunk, I just become an even bigger idiot. Do you walk up to a lot of girls when you're drunk? Do you like approach a lot of you know, that's a good question. I don't

think I do. I'm so cure black out half that I black out. I just uh huh. You are? You are friendlier when you're I mean you're friendly period, but you're friendlier when you're a little bit more toxic. I'm a very affectionate person and that definitely shines through after a couple of drinks. I used to be more scared

to approach a girl when I was drunk. Why then I was sober because I was because I was to the point where I was drunk, but I was still self aware, so I knew that there's potential I could be slurring my words or being or not speaking as intelligently as I want to because I'm three or four drinks a little inebriated, exactly. There was a back to the to the earlier point. There was a girl I met up with in Japan. She like deemed me um, and she was like, hey, like, I'm from Aspen, I

live in Japan now. And I was like, oh, this girl's from the same town as me, and she's in Japan like a local. So like I met up with her and her mother like she just like where I can't hear as I'm sorry. It's very it's very nice to get a local perspective of the city that you've never been to before. So there were a couple instances where I was like, okay, like yeah, I'd love to have you showed me around, like what good restaurants whatever

it is um. And It's funny because Japan was the first top of my trip, and then when I went to Indonesia and I was like fully alone again for a little bit, I was like, oh wow, like I really I like missed her, you know, like I spent like a day walking around with her and her mom, and then we like went down to like some museum together.

This is a girl who randomly split into your yes, but she was she we had a lot of mutual We had a lot of mutual friends, and she was from the same town as me growing up, and so I felt comfortable enough with going along with that. And like we didn't like do anything, like, we didn't cast so we didn't like I don't even think we like hugged each other anything like that. But there was like a point where I was like fully alone. I was like, wow, like I really I kind of missed this girl, which

is just weird. So what did you do about I mean, I didn't really do anything. I was just like, there's no reason for meeting missing here. It's like I just think I just am lonely right now. And that's like the last genuine human interaction that I had. So that's kind of what I was like remembering. You know. Interesting. So where was so you traveled? I mean, can you

give just like a short little explanation where you actually went. Yeah, I went l A to Japan and then Japan, I went to Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, and then Indonesia, and then Malaysia, Singapore, Greece, Paris, Amsterdam, Ireland, Iceland, New York, and then I landed in Los Angeles last end. At eleven. People literally traveled around the world and that was the thing too. I like, yeah, so I bought one of my tickets in Japan, and then I had friends in Indonesia, like I said yeah, and then I

was like, okay, I'm gonna meet them Indonesia. And then my friend was like, Hey, I'm going to be in Greece this day. You should come, and I was like okay. And then so I was already like I was already like a third of the way around the world, and I was like, oh, it would be interesting to just continuously go west. And then that's just kind of how I mean. It was like it's the first ever solo

trip I've done. It was maybe like the longest duration of traveling I've done outside of the Bachelorette when I was gone for eight weeks. This was five weeks um and I didn't really do any planning. People always like would reach out to me and like they're they're like, hey, I Ke'm planning a trip, but I don't know how to like plan it, and you seem to be really good at kind of figuring out what you're gonna do next. I'm every time that I would respond to be like no,

like I don't even have my hotel room book for tomorrow. Um, like all this like stuff and stuff that I would just do like days in advance. So do you stay in a lot of hostels? No, I'm not a hostile guy. Where did you stay in? And you stayed in hotels? Okay? There was first about that because I know a lot of people that travel by themselves are backpack europe holes and the like. I wish I was better at it because like it's a ten dollars a night versus a

hundred dollars and night. You know. Um, there was a there was a hostile I said in Japan, but it was a bed and book so it was like a big bookcase on the wall and then like carved into the bookcase for beds. So it's like just it was like a unique click, I don't know what to call it, like a niche to let something like that. Yeah, I've seen the movie too many times, like I'm maybe and maybe I'm just that weirdo. I haven't seen the movie. Oh don't if you ever want to stay in Hustle,

do not say um because I was curius about that. Yeah, you know where like they just kill each other in that scream. Easton is showing us something on the computer screen right now. Oh like you, he's showing us. He's showing us beds carved into a bookcase. In Seinfeld, they supped an addresser, and that's what I thought of pretty much the same thing, right right, Yeah, so pretty much Cramer would have been your hotel man. I can do hustles, though, maybe four or five years ago. I just like I

like my personal space too much. I like the ability to like just kind of sprawl out and put all my stuff everywhere. It's so funny when you said your buddy was like, Hey, come to Greece. All I can think about was like last week somebody was like, Hey, come to coffee Bean in Burbank, And last week Dean was like, Hey, somebody come to Greece. Let's just come over here for the day. Yeah. I don't know. It was it's like, you know, you're traveling, so you might

as well, absolutely, there's your favorite spot. Uh, there were a few favorite spots in Japan. I'd always wanted to visit Tokyo. I'm a big like anime um and video game nerds, so it was like nice to kind of see the birthplace of those places, like the Nintendo Eastern and I talked about Nintendo over every once in a while, and um, I mean I had like a couple of video game tattoos. So it was cool to see that. Vali was one of the most like naturally beautiful places

I've ever been to. But the cliff you should absolutely the Cliffs of Moore in Ireland. So um, I posted a video of my drone crashing because it was like really windy. I don't know how it just it failed, but it was like super windy. And you can like leave the tourist section like joke, like over a fence, like walk down these like kind of sketchy paths with like wind gusts like like blowing at you, and like these big steep cliffs. So like not many people go

down there because it's kind of scary. Um and I walked like a mile down to this peninsula. I was completely by myself, like no one within a like a square mile of me, and the wind was like howling, so you could I couldn't even hear yourself like breathing basically, and I was like running around like a complete maniac, like yelling at the top of my lungs, like this is so awesome. I've never been to such a cool

place in my entire life. And I was like, I was like every time I turned my head and like face a different direction, I was like, this is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Like the cliffs and the sun was like like shining through the clouds, and the waves like crashing on the beach below. I would like it completely blew my mind. I was like I felt sad leaving because I was like, I know, I'm not going to be back here, if ever,

for a very long time. So it was like, this is like the most naturally beautiful place I've ever been to my entire life. That was my favorite part of all of your social posts was that those cliffs, Like, oh my god, that's the most beautiful thing in the world.

And I felt so anyone that's my friend on Snapchat I kind of felt bad for because I kept sending them snapchats of me just like like freaking out, like oh my god, look at this, and then like they were probably watching on their phones like yeah, that's cool, but like being there in person, it was it just absolutely blew my mind. And Corfu there's it's a small island in the the north that Greece was absolutely beautiful, and

Iceland was really cool as well. I mean everything was really cool, but everything was so different than it's probably hard to compare. I think the thing that I didn't like, like my least favorite was maybe Paris. I think it was a little hyped with touristy ye, not as friendly as other countries you visited. Yeah, I would say out of the ones that I visited, probably was the least friendly. But that's never I think Jed and I talked about this a little bit when I called in from Paris. Actually,

uh Is. I think the power of kindness works so well in our daily lives, but it even works so much better when you're traveling, Like you don't speak the same language as someone in you know, either Japan or Indonesia, w whatever it is. But like if you're like genuinely like curious and interested in kind to the person that

you're talking to. Like, I think that I was able to experience a lot more things better because of the I guess reception that people had to the amount of kindness that you're able to share with them, you know what I mean? That makes sense. Did you do get recognized? There were a few times, mostly American travelers in Malaysia.

Another girl damned me and I was like, hey, and like I didn't really know what to do in cool lump or like there was like some caves that I went to and some towers I saw, and I was there for like three days. But she she messaged me and she said, hey, like I'm a big fan and she was Malaysian and so like I went out with her and her four oper friends in Malaysia and like maybe like every country, there was like one or two people that recognize me, but not like a whole lot.

But it is always so so funny to see and even when we went to India back in March, um I think Rachel season was airing in India at the time, and so people were like a little bit more yeah, which is funny. It's yeah, It's it's crazy to think how international Bachelor is. I was just thinking, like Dean's whole trip was based upon where the show was airing,

like air. But it really is crazy to hear to like see firsthand how international show is, because for every stop with the journey, I would share, like my my next destination, like Okay, today I'm traveling to Greece or today I'm traveling to Amsterdam, and like every time people would be like, oh my god, like go here or like, hey, my cousin lives there. I'd love for them to show you around, like I would like to meet up and show you arounding that type of stuff. It's just weird

every destination, even you you'll go to Malaysia. You don't really expect anyone in Malaysia to know who you are, nor should they really know who you are for any reason at all, Like sure enough they do, and it's just like it's it's a crazy thing to experience firstant you know totally how long exactly where you gone? Uh thirty six days? Yeah, uh? And I didn't do laundry once, very proud of that fact. Wait a minute, what do

you mean, like did somebody do laundry for you? Or you just didn't wash your I didn't wear underwear, so I didn't bring a single pair underwear. It was me, you know, you just did to our listeners dean female audience. Yeah, they're all going to be you know, I don't think i'd use the word repulse to explain what they're they're thinking.

I just don't find it comfortable. It's very restricting sometimes. Yeah, I think the underwear was manufactured by the soap industry to sell more clothes un to wear to then ultimately wash in the wash. This guy, he probably says, said, do you see the same thing about Halloween is created by the cant um July four is created by the great the gift card companies. You don't. I started using

soup a little bit more, especially while traveling. I was like, all right, I feel a little filthy just from looking on an airplane for so long. So what did you bring? How many shirts? How many pants? So it's funny. I brought three pairs of pants, all black jeans, and I only wore one upon the entire time because like, the other two just didn't really fit me very well. Uh. And then I brought like five T shirts, uh, and a pair of swimsuits or a pair of swimsuit or

whoa a swimsuit? And like two pairs of socks, two pairs of as a carry on you So you're telling me you brought two pairs of socks and wore one pair of pants, and you don't wear any underwear and you did no laundry. When you put it like that, it sounds really bad. I'm in New York. I brought okay, So I bought a pair of shorts in Paris to match with Alex, who met up with me. We got matching outfits. Uh, I had another pair of shorts, so I had like three maybe pants that I cycled through.

Huh were you wearing underwears? Then? When you when you wrap your legs around Alex, I haven't one underwear in years. It's interesting though you you never smell. I'm not a smell fortunate to not be a smelling person. I would like deodorant, and I got wore deodorant. I ran out of floss like like a couple of weeks, and that was pretty bad. I couldn't find floss for a while. Uh, you big filoster. Every day, big floster, I had to floss. I bought hats every country. I went to I got

a new hat. Um, it's not really a hygiene thing, but okay, it's just like a fun Oh it's interesting. I have one more question about the trip. Okay, did you kiss anyone in the thirty six days? No? Alex? Okay, alright, I kissed a guy into the Eiffel Towers. Adorable. It's funny because Alex was like, well, we were like talking about because there's like a dumb little bit, you know, like like for just for fun. He's like, we should like go to Life Towers. Like okay, yeah, that's funny.

He's yeah, you should like get a video of you jumping on me and like we'll put our hands over from mouths and kiss each other. And I was like, no, that would put Oh sorry for the curse work. We're not putting your hands over our mouths. We're gonna go. If we're gonna do it this, we're gonna do it and do the full Tom Brady full Tom Brady. He he had that video. He kisses his dad, he kisses his He has ever heard about this? A huge thing?

It's like, am I an idiot? Right now? Um? I just have one more question too, So you know, after traveling alone and then going through this experience thirty six days on yourself, traveling to new places, coming back, what have you learned? Is there one thing where you're like, this is what I mean. I've taken a lot out of this trip, but this is the one thing that

I come back with than anything. There have been like a lot of like a random assortment of thoughts, you know, like you'll have like one thought and then you'll kind of lose it, come back to it later, and then that kind of like just a perpetual, like on ongoing thing. Um, there was a thought that I had that kind of stuck with me that involved relationships, especially because obviously this is a relationship centery podcast, so it's kind of you know,

it's interesting to have a thought on that. Um. I think that what I've never really done, well, what I've always kind of done, or maybe what I need to do moving forward is focus entirely on myself. And I think I've done that, but with the mistakes that I've made as a pertain to relationships, is I'm focusing on myself, but then I'm allowing other people to come into my life in the capacity of a relationship, and I just don't think that when you're like, I guess the word

selfish is really the way to look at it. Is like, when you're focusing on yourself, it's perfectly fine to do that, but you shouldn't let someone else come into your life while you're doing that, because all that sets them up

for is disappointment, I would think. And so I'm at this point now where I'm like, I still want to focus on myself and I still want to do what I want when I want, But now I have this realization that I think, because I'm doing that, I shouldn't even be interested in inviting someone into that mess of

a life that I'm going to be living. You know, Yeah, well, I mean I don't think it's that you shouldn't if it's probably just not at a point right now where you're comfortable enough to invite someone into that, well, it's that's part of it, too. But it's just like I love doing I love I'm such a head case to the point where I'm a contrarian and I love proving people wrong and I like like to do what I want when I want to do it, And I think those two things kind of uh make it challenging to

for me to date someone else. You know, so it's like you can have something kind of work on. I don't know if I'm trying to work on it. I think it's just something that I have to, uh like let blow by, like like grow out of its, grow out of it sort of thing. I think it's a mature way to look at it, you know, being self aware of the things that you're, the person that you

are and the person that you want to become. That's a step towards, um, you know, being able to invite someone into your life and have a successful relationship because oftentimes we you know, I was talking about this with the friend the other day, like I think often times, um, we end up in relationships to still avoid, or we end up in a relationships because we're board, or we end up in relationships for the wrong reason. Sounds like back,

you know, it's it's important to I'm loving this time. Um, that's being even updated on my love life. But I'm completely single right now. So yeah, oh Mark, you were there last podcast. Okay, yeah, but that's announce last podcast. She is single? Ready to me happy about this? I'm so, I'm very happy and I'm you know. I think it's important to realize that relationships don't work out, whether it's a year long relationships, two year long relationships, two weak relationships,

it doesn't work out for a reason. And um, there's no point of like feeling sorry for yourself because you met someone like you didn't think you're going to meet the first new data. So there's someone else waiting for your you know, there's someone else out there for you. So just to make room for that person to walk into your life and you don't have to when it happens. Yeah, exactly, just letting the call the cards fall as they may. I think that's the realization I had too, is I love.

I didn't realize how much I enjoy being alone. Like it's like there are moments of loneliness especially, But be careful with that though, because you might get too comfortable. Yeah that's fine, right, Like you have friends, no because you want unless you don't want to be in a relationship ever, well I do at some point. I think if you put a time frame on it, then you're okay.

Like if you're you know, I mean, you're so you're twenty seven, you have you're so young, you have plenty of time yourself, and and and and want to be alone. I know what I'm saying. Well, Van, you're we're all so young. Resident's grand I think you and I are just different in that we're like, yes, I love my alone time, but I don't want to be alone. Yeah, if that makes any sense. I mean there were moments. So my phone got stolen out of my pocket and Indonesia,

I got picked I got pickpocketed. Um, yeah, okay, and I thought you just like left your phone somewhere. No, no no, no, it was still So I'll tell you the story. So we were the last night in Bali. Uh. We were obviously like partying and drinking all day. Uh. We were writing our scooters to this next location that our friend had told us to meet the matter something like that. And it was I was on the back of my friend Tony's scooter, and then my friends Will and Zach

were on this other scooter. Uh, and we like stopped at at a light or something to turn and this person like jumped on the back and they were all like getting like, I don't know, it was weird. They were all like being loud and outrageous and obnoxious. Um. And then they left, and then my friend like looked at everyone was like, hey, those people are notorious pickpockets here in Indonesia, Like, you should check your pockets, make sure you have everything. So I checked my front, checked

my back, everything was there. Um, well it was good. My phone is there. And then three minutes later I pulled my phone out to text someone and I pull it out and it was just the case. So this person took the phone out of my pocket, took it off out of the case, and then put the case back in my pocket. Dude, this is George Colooney Promotions Love and whoever that guy. No, you're thinking Matt Damon. Matt Damon is a pit pocketer. But yeah, obviously did.

I was gonna say Matt David, but it was probably Do. And I was so like, I mean, I I'll'll admit, like you checked and everything was there. It was already just the case at that point, yes, right, And because you feel the case, you're like okay, like I don't um. And then so that was really hard because then I woke up the next morning and I had to fly

to Malaysia like without a phone. Uh. Landed in the airport and cool Lumpur and went straight to the like the Apple reseller there, uh, and had to get a new phone. But then it was like how do I activate with my eye cloud because everything is like you have to authenticate it with your phone number, like we're going to text your code, and we can't text me a code because I don't have my whole phone number. And then I was like I had a Malaysian phone number and I had a Greek phone number. I didn't

get my US phone number back until yesterday. Actually everything from your other phone well, and that's the thing too. Then they like somehow we're able to disable to find my iPhone app and so like I couldn't track them down. Like we turned around on our scooters and like try to track down the people, um, but we didn't have any luck there. I was like going around like asking every single person I could find. I was like, hey, like I lost, like someone sell my phone? Do you

know anything about that? And everyone's like no, You're you're out of luck. There's no way you're gonn get that back. So so then like going to Malaysia, I didn't have a phone. I like had just gotten my phone stolen. I felt very disconnected from everything and everyone, and I was like, I just like I needed to like a FaceTime to a couple of my friends, and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm just like a little depressed right now because of all this, this whole situation that went down.

But totally, that was definitely the lowest moment I think of the trip, and I'm like, I, I'm very attuched on my phone. As much as they hate to admit that, like I'm on it quite often. It's just like, especially you know that that's like the worst case scenario, and it happened to so it sounded like a pretty incredible trip. iPhone being stolen a side obviously, so it's it's pretty cool. Now. I have a question for your dean. Did you work out at all while you were traveling? Did you that

picture I posted in Greece? I was buffed as hell, dude. You were ripped like Brad Pitt from Fight Club. It was unbelievable. That's fight Club, right, I don't know, maybe that's what he's like, super shredded. Yeah, I know, you're absolutely right because I was eating food everywhere I went, obviously and as much as I possibly could. But the one thing that really kept me in shape. And you guys have heard me talk about it before, all of us have talked about it before. I guess this beach

Body on Demand. Oh totally. Beach Body Demand is incredible. I mean to our listeners, I hope that they've all gotten their free trial by now. If you keep listening to this podcast, we keep talking about beach Body on Demand. Um, you can get all these different trainers and programs, some of the trainers on their twenty five He's awesome, Shan t doesn't require any extra equipment. It only takes twenty

five minutes a day. So like by the time you go to the gym park, get in the gym, work out, leave, that's already like an hour and twenty minutes of your time. This beach Body on Demand, you can get done in twenty five minutes and save yourself some time. And you can get it on anywhere too. That's the best about it. No, you can get it anywhere. Yeah, your hotel, roadhouse for you know, Vanessa. While you're on the podcast, you could be working out with beach Body on Demand, even though

you don't need it. Um. But this is also the company that's behind p ninety X. The insanity which I think Dean, did you say you tried to insane anyone time? Is that you? I did it once, So I'm more of a hip hop as guy. Though hip hop abs up the three you get hip hop abs on here, three weeks, Yogo Retreat and more. You get world class trainers like we talked about Shanty. You've got Tony Horrn on there. Um. So listen, guys, this is what you're

gonna want to do. I don't understand what anybody's waiting for anymore. You can join the over one million people currently on beach Body on Demand right now, listeners. You can get a special free trial membership. You here that it's free. You don't have to pay for anything. When you text Dean, that's d E A and what a great name. God, I love that name. Text you text

Dean d E A and to thirty thirty thirty. That's three zero three zero three zero um, and you'll get full access to the entire platform for free, all the workouts, the nutrition information and the support. You get it totally free again. All you have to do is text Dean D E A N to thirty thirty thirty get your free trial now check it out. I have some emails. This one's from an anonymous emailer your favorite. I have

with my boyfriend a little over a year. We were inseparable from the day we met and moved in together after only seven months. He has a daughter who I adore. She stays with us every other week. We both have fourty hour week jobs and are trying to be more frugal so we can buy a house together. I make slightly more than my boyfriend, but we split the rent and all utilities down the middle and handle our own

personal bills separately. I try to take care of some of the other expenses, like groceries with the occasional uber. We have talked about how he feels badly that I've spent more on things for us, but it has never bothered me because he has more responsibilities than I do, such as child support. Recently, I can tell it's about affecting him more, and I'm running out of ways to express to him that I'm willing and want to contribute

in this way. Should I stop offering to pay for things and let him hand what until he asks for help. I have no idea what a good solution here? Is help I suck at dating? Yes, I think she said. Should I stop offering to pay for things and let him handle until he ask for help? I think yes, I agree. Just guys, you know, we want to provide for our lady, and providing includes money and being able to pay for dinners and being old fashioned in the sense of like I want to, you know, bring home

the bacon. So I, um, yeah, I would for right now stop trying to pay for things, or at least offering and see what happens. Vanessa, I don't know. I thought you might disagree with this. Actually, yeah, I'm I'm all for Listen, if you're able to provide for yourself, and I always say this, ladies do not and gentlemen do not depend on a significant other financially for emotionally like make sure that you can always be financially and

emotionally stable without having someone else in the picture. Um, and the fact that she's able to pay for it, like Prosser her. If I were the guy, I would be saying thank you and putting my ego aside and acknowledging a fact that she's doing this. She's doing this not not to get like acknowledgement or anything to doing it out of the bigness of our hearts. So I

don't know. I if I don't know, if I'm getting an uber and he's getting in the car with me, I'm probably gonna be the girl that's gonna pay for the Uber two. I think that I think the uber and the groceries are a very small indication of why he feels awkward about this. I think it really comes down to she makes probably a lot more money than him, she says slightly, but she's I think she's understanding. I think she's understanding it. I think she probably makes a

lot more money. And then while they split everything, because he's like, no, I'm gonna pay for myself. I want to, you know, do this and pay for my own utilities. I'm sure he's like this sucks. Like she's like, I'm the one putting pennies together trying to pay for dinners and she's making a lot more money. It probably just

hurts his ego a little bit. I would I was gonna saymasculating too, but I think it's like kind of almost dehumanizing too, to the point where it's like he wants to be able to like, uh, have ownership over the things that he buys for the relationship and his or whatever. It is, like groceries, you know, you like feel guilty for going to the pantry more than a few times a day those groceries technically personally someone else. Yeah,

I don't know, that's my take on it. I think that she should just let him pay for what he wants to and you and like let her kind of take a back seat. And if there's going to be a balance, it's gonna have to like you guys are like in a teeter and todder a little bit, I think, and then eventually you'll find that happy medium. But if he is like getting kind of weird out by it, I think that you should just kind of let him do his own thing and he'll find a way to

make it work. If that's so what's going to be. But definitely, yeah, lets communicate about it, you know. Don't know, I don't even think she should community Well maybe she should, Okay, not a bad idea, not a bad idea, But I think by acknowledging it, by by her being like, hey, I'm going to stop spending money on you, that almost makes it worse. If she just kind of like naturally

lets him. I'm not saying that. I'm saying, Um, and Mark, maybe you've you're you've been married, you've had a successful marriage for years, so you can correct me out, you can correct me on this. But I feel like one of the major issues and marriages and long term relationships to come down to finances and lacks of two manication. So in this case, I think it's importune to sit down, have a mature conversation and be like, Okay, do they have a joint bank acount? I have a joint bank account.

Then it'd be a lot easier to just go in there and pay for the things that they to share together instead of you know it he's making if he wants to put in you know, it's like fifty fifty, but if he wants to put in more than fifty, then feel put in more than fifty and she'll put the rest in in the joint bank account. It's such an old fashioned conversation, isn't it. But I mean it's still relevant in twenty eighteen. But I'm just saying, the tradition that the man has to pay for everything seems

like an outdated concept to me. But if this were reversed, if a guy was like, I make more money than she does, no one would care. He'd never send the email. It's never an issue the other way around. And it's just it's just the male fragile ego, isn't it. That's

all it is to understand, Well, it's outdated. It's outdated in two thousand eighteen, fifteen years ago, when this guy was probably growing up, it wasn't really that outdated to you got to make more money and like be quote unquote the um provider, the provider, and so like, he's probably been brought up in a society where it's like, no, you're the man. You're supposed to be making more money, and then you're supposed to be providing and supporting for

your significant other. And so now, yes, in two thousand and eighteen, it's fine. Everybody's equal. It doesn't matter who's making more money. Time's up exactly, But it's the it's the me too movement. I've never heard times up before,

the kind of movements, the big one. But times up is also one Time's up for guys to be in these traditional roles that we've always seen them as everybody should be treated the same, and I agree, but there's gonna be a transitional period during that, right, you can't just ignore social norms that have been ingrained in us.

And so I think with this guy, of course it doesn't matter, no, but it's gonna hurt his ego, so just I I would I I agree with the and by communicating that with him, it's like almost belittling his wages. Like she's like, oh, I make more money than you, but I'm gonna let you start paying for things because I know how fragile you might be, So that like that, you wouldn't know, that's not what you would be highlighting.

He's if he's been awes with her about him being uncomfortable with her spending money on him, then if I were her, I would sit him down and just have an the dog conversation like it shouldn't you know, You're it's one years old. You're old enough to sit down and have mature conversations about things and communicate about things that make you comfortable and uncomfortable and figure out a solution. I'm just saying that the male ego is very fragile,

especially when it comes to this stuff. I think some things are better left unseid. We don't want to talk about it anymore than we wanted to happen exactly, all right, So anonymous, don't take my advice. No, no, no, take exactly take all our advice and incorporate it and make your own decisions. That's advice. Uh. This is by the way, I suck at dating at i heeart media dot com. Keep the emails coming. I suck at dating at ihart media dot com. This is Hunter. Do you guys know

the app rover? Yeah? Dog walker app Okay, he's been dog sitting throw over over the past couple of months, and he's been watching this dog whose owner he is super attracted to. He says. A few months ago, I match with the owner on Tinder and chattered over the cars in a few days. Yeah, small world. I eventually asked if she wanted to take the dogs to a park that weekend, and she never responded and not deleted

tender shortly thereafter. I really want to ask her out, but I feel like it's a sign that she didn't answer me the first time, and so I should forget about it. I'm watching a dog again this weekend. Should I ask her out or should I leave it? Help? I really? Second day? What do we always tell him, Mark, shoot your show? If you gotta ask, you gotta do it exactly. Well, here's the thing. So he's watching her dog and she never responded on Tinder. I think that

she probably just doesn't pay attention to the app. I agree, right, she wouldn't completely ignore someone who's babysitting her, walking her dog and caring for this dog. I think as a dog owner, you can probably choose who you look after your dog, right, It's not like she has she's unless she signed a contract. Or is it like Uber and they just give you the closest dog walker? I really don't know. I think a dog is it's a dog's out to be, like you can pick out total people

your dog vibes so so. And I think proves that she maybe didn't see the message. Maybe she just kind of like saw it responded mentally, never actually physically responded. But you I don't think that she because if she was purposefully ignoring you, then she would have gone with a different dogs here right exactly and listen, I find I'm like I'm guilty of this all the time before, like oh you're you don't message me back, or I won't you and I read my messages and like, oh,

I'll write back in a few hours. But then someone else will message me, and your message will go like lower on the list, and and I forget to write back. You never message me back, Vanessa, I'm sorry, you just use another story. Um. So yeah, maybe he just didn't see the message. Try again, go for it. I agree, go for it. What's the worst that can happen? You lose this client as a dog. You've got plenty of people's dogs. By the way, I have a two of

my kid's names picked out. I've had him picked up forever, and Hunter is one of them. I was used to the words out of my mouth. Great name name, said, well, I think everyone's got ideas for names for the kids that they eventually want to have. No, I already I did too. Maybe we're not normal, guys. Maybe that's why we're here on this band kids to say we're not normal. For better for worse. Um, I'll tell a quick story if you don't mind, mark your great storytelling. Tell stories

anytime you want. When I was growing up, my sister, my younger sister, Amy was Her name is confusing. Is her name? My sister's name is Amy, and my wife's name is Amy is very confusing. Anyway, my sister was best friends with a girl named Ali, and Aby had a bunch of friends, and I hated all of them because they were just screaming because I'm the big brother and they're always into and screaming and stuff. But Ali was great. We loved Ali. When she came over. It

was like the three of us who played together. She was like one of my friends too. Ali got really sick, she got cancer in her shoulder blade. And anyway, we lost Ali when she was sixteen years old, very sad. And I said that day, I said, my first daughter is going to be named Ali. And that's why I have a twelve year old daughter named Ali right now. That's so my heart that she lives on through your daughter.

But I have a question. So your your sister's name is Amy, and your wife's name is named Yes, and your mom's name is Kathy. Okay, I thought your mom's name is Amy, and your daughter and your sisters sister and wife. Why is it always it's it's always a male thing, where it's always like Jared Jr. And it's never like Amy Jr. Yeah, why can't women name their children after them? I think that's that time on Here we Go. I was I was almost fred the third.

My dad's Fred Jr. And I was almost Frederick the Third. No, I'm not a friend. I don't either, But my question is would your life be different? That's interesting, isn't it. It's just your name, butter fact man, it's crazy Butterfly right, great because the name just really makes it just kind of forms your persona. I don't know why. Like I look at Dean, I'm like, yeah, you're a deed right.

So my sisters names it's really confusing. I've been asked that and make sisters Melissa, but I don't know if my sister are I was supposed to be called Penelope, which I love. I feel like my sister would look more like a Penelope. I feel like I am you know, I embraced Vanessa. Are you embraced the Vanessa totally? But you could embrace a penalope. I could see it. So this is interesting. They did an experiment and I'm fascinated by this stuff. I don't know how I got into

this right back, but love it. Uh. They showed people random faces of strangers and gave them five names to pick from. They were right. Thirty five percent of the time. It happened to pure chance at the time. Right, that's

pretty high. So they find that people with the same name tend to have similarities around their eyes and their mouths and faces will conform to your name, Like if your parents named you Dug, your face would be different than it is now subtly, not completely, but subtly, and people would say he looks more like a Dug because something happens to us. I find that that's very very interesting,

really interesting. That makes me think, I guess I've seen that Office episode where Michael Scott goes on like a lecture circuit and he like goes in and walks into the room. He's like, I have this uh pneumatic system where I can look at someone's face and guess their name. And he looks at a guy and he goes, you have glasses, you have a bald head, your bald Your name is Brad. And he's like, yes, my name is Brad.

That's exactly what this makes me think. Up. But it really is that if it's up, that's I mean, that's pretty conclusive. That's pretty interesting that you can pick people out like that. All Right, I suck at dating and I hurt Madia dot com. And Megan is curious about how you manage time spent with your significant other. I guess this is more of a question for Jared. I've had a significant other, and so do you too. Well, you have mart East and you guys have significant others.

Dean has had a very public and private relationships. Well, Megan's concerned because her boyfriend live in a small town. They live three blocks away from each other, They have the same circle of friends, they have the same work from home schedule, their lives are completely integrated in one another. She knows the quality time is valuable, but they tend to be She tends to be codependent relationships, and she has a hard time turning on any opportunity to hang

out with him, even if she needs a break. She also gets bummed if he spends time with a mutual friend and she's not invited to join. There's kind of a fomo thing going on there, So anyway, any tips on that is it is it unhealthy to be constantly with each other? Vanessa? So I've been in many rooms. Not many I've been in. Obviously, some of them have been successful, some of them have been asking. None of

them have been them, not with any of them. But one thing that I did learn was my first relationship,

I was so dependent on him. Um. He became my family, my friend by uh, like, we would work out together and to the point where if I found it too we asked to both found it too much, because at one point, you want to have you still want to have maintained your life before you meet your significant other, UM, and to keep that spark alive, you know, because then it just becomes like a routine and you do the

same things over and over and over again. And like he said that she has he if he wait, I get bummed out if he he spends time with a mutual friend and she's not invited. Like that, You should have your circle of friends outside of your relationship, he said, be working in a different environment, you know, and then you come home and you tell each other stories and you bond. And that's why I like it's important for

families to come together at the dinner time. Everyone has Like they wake up in the morning, they go out, they live their own life. They come back and at dinner they speak about like things that happened to them throughout the day, and they bond over food, and they bond over like sharing all these experiences. UM So, I personally think, UM, when I was younger, as much as I love being in that type of relationship where we were glue to each other right now, I find it

super healthy. I wanted to find a relationships where I find it healthy to um, you know, be together, but not expensively be together. Yeah. I agree with that. You definitely need your own circle of friends. You need to be able to get out if you want to hang out with somebody that's not involved in your relationship. UM doan, Do you have any thoughts about this? Yeah? I do, I am. I think this kind of goes back to what I was talking about earlier of me just like

wanted to do what I want when I want. I like, I like being able to go to places kind of like either by myse not necessary by myself, but like I like to go hang out with my friends without feeling guilty of not inviting the person that I'm maybe amp dating or my girlfriend or something like that, you know, because I feel like there's time that should be allotted for you spending with your friends. It changes the dynamic,

you know very much. So, Um, sometimes you just need to like talk about your relationship without your significant other there. Whether it be it doesn't mean that they're saying bad things, just like it changes the dynamic of the conversation. And I've been very very guilty of this. I like, uh, here in Los Angeles, you know, I'll go to the

beach with every week with my friends. Um. A while ago, I was like dating someone, uh, and it was a Sunday, I went to the beach with my friends, were playing volleyball, got back, uh, and this girl that I was dating, she was really upset with me for not inviting her to the beach to hang out with me and my friends. And I was like, well, honestly, like I just wanted to spend time with my friends. UM. And so it's

like that's kind of what I'm saying from earlier. It's like, I, I I, I don't think it's appropriate for me to be bringing someone into that situation. I think codependence is good in some aspects, but it can be detrimental to a relationship, like in this instance. You know, yeah, yeah,

I agree. So my advice for Megan is like, allow yourself some separation, maybe allow yourself to become more independent, because you definitely like, like, think about it this way, like if Megan and her boyfriend break up, then who's Megan?

She's no longer the same person, right. These are the relationships that are more likely to become toxic because you literally can't live without each other, and so when issues pop up, you just have to kind of press it down inside and it ends up ugly, Like you've got to have a life outside your relationship. And that's scary. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to make the relationship working, you're that ingrained with that other person.

And not that it's bad to have pressure to make relationship work, but it's like if you, I don't know, that's that's what scares me away from relationships. To be perfectly honest, it's scary. It's scary. That's like making the pressure of what what what cares you. The pressure of making it work scares you. The pressure of having someone

be so dependent on me is scary. And it's also scary when you're very dependent on somebody else, Yes, absolutely, because then your happiness isn't dependent on them because you make your own happiness. Having said that, like when you're dependent on somebody and they break your heart, tell me a worse feeling, right, Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I think there's a lot of red flags ingrant in that

situation with Megan and her boyfriend. But again, I mean, I think with a lot of these emails, we don't really know enough of the story to really makes judgment called. We do have to make judgment called. Yeah, I mean my judgment call would be um vocalized this. I know we are we like it's you know, communicate. We always say it in such a cliche, but it's true, like, you know, because you need you need a healthy balance, and right now it seems like maybe Megan on your side,

you're not having that. And yeah, feel something's got to give. Fine, something that you love to do. You love paintings. Join a class for like to learn how to paint. If you want to work out, join a gym and you'll make a more you'll make a different circle of friends and you'll you'll feel less I guess, um stressed out or you know, less bummed. If your boyfriend is hanging out a circle of friends, they are mutual friends enough.

You know, I think it's important to have like your own stuff going on, um, so that you're not when you're not doing anything. And I feel like sometimes it happens, you know, when you're like really invested in the relationships and you don't have anything to do, you think of

the relationship and that's super unhealthy. So it's important to like have things going on in your life outside of the relationship so that you can keep your mind busy and you you know, you have other things going on other than uh, the relationship being the main focus in your life. Totally join a class, you know, that's what

I do. Do, Join a club, Do something that like actively gets you out of the house without your significant other, something that you enjoy, something that makes you proud, maybe email podcasts as well dot com. All right, well that will do it for today's episode, My first episode back, and thank you guys once again for welcome welcoming you back with open arms. I was concerned that I just wasn't gonna be uh involved in the podcast anywhere Change

the Keys. I'm very honored here perfect I guess that's true because Mark Easton and Jared Wow. Um, I'm honored to be back in studio with you guys. I honestly did miss you all very very much while I was gone. Miss um. We want to thank our sponsor, Yes, big thank you to our sponsors, Sugar Bear Hair and Beach Body on Demand for these hip hop abs and these beautiful walks that we all have. Thank you to Holly Martin for coming in studio. Definitely check out Holly Martin

dot com. That's Martin with a Y not and I it certainly is. And thank you for the emails. Remember I Suck a Dating at i heeart media dot com. We love the emails. We love giving unsolicited bad advice. To keep them coming. We'll keep aetitioning it out. Be sure to tune in next weekend. Uh we should you go. Also, I just want to say joined the Facebook group. Uh it's help. I Suck a Dating podcast on Facebook. Definitely go check that out. We have a lot of discussion,

there's a lot of members in there. Uh. We talk, We like leave messages on the Facebook totally. I talked to people all the time. Literally, at this point in my life, the only reason I get on Facebook is to go to the heart alight Suck at Dating Facebook

group same here. I love hearing people tell stories about their dating and if they need any advice, and sometimes I'll comment back and I always read through them, and so definitely join the Facebook group Help I Suck a Dating podcast on Facebook um and also be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Help I Suck a Dating. Maybe next week we'll suck a little bit less. Follow help by Suck at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast