#4 Sext and the City

his face pop up a few times. Jackson. Hey, what's up y'all? Thanks for coming, buddy. I'm so excited. This is great. I feel much more comfortable having Jackson here me too. I don't know about that. I don't know if I feel more comfortable. Oh okay, so Dr Vie, do you mind introducing yourself a little bit giving us a little bit of backstory on who you are. Hi again, I'm Dr Ving. My full name is Dr Venus Nicolino,

and Venus is a little strange of a name. I think my mother thought that I would be a stripper, but when I got the doctor gig, she was like, Okay, this is cool, and I just keep telling her. There's still time, There's there's still you never know, you know,

you never know where one's career can go. Um and I started on Bravo on a show called l A Shrinks, which was so much fun, and I became their resident shrink for a few years and um then I went on to do other things and I found myself on Marriage boot Camp Reality Stars, which is great, and we're celebrating our eleventh season. I've done six of of of those seasons, and we have a spinoff, Family boot Camp, which is a lot of fun. So it's been a wild ride. It's been fun. So can you tell me

a little bit about Marriage boot Camp. I'm not familiar with the show, so how does it work? Well, it's a marriage bootcap Reality Stars. So we have couples come on the show and they live in a house together for uh fourteen days, and they decide at the end of the show whether they want to be together are or not. So so our goal, you know, we root for the couples, but it's really about choice and your ability to make a choice. Is this the person for you?

So we're not trying to fix that relationship, you know, We're that that's that's not where our steaks are. You know. Our steaks are about is this the person you should be with? And we run the couples through a series of exercises where they're able to make choice. And I'll tell you, you know, people stopping in the street. Um,

you know, I've learned so much from that show. People always tell me, you know, there's a great takeaway and I and I actually do think it's one of the few shows on television and reality where you do walk away with communication skills. You do walk away with a takeaway, and that's awesome, you know. So do all these couples that you deal with, every one of them is married or are their boyfriend girlfriend? You don't know they're there,

They could be on the verge of divorce. Don't have to be married, they could be a girlfriend boyfriend, They just have to be in a relationship. So from your experience, I figure you probably have seen it all. Do you kind of see reality stars sucking more at dating than like a normal person? You know? No, that answer is no. I think unconventional people UH need unconventional methods. And it's really the method in which we choose to help unconventional

people that that matters. But but in essence, the problems are all very similar. And I think that's why people love the show because while it's wild and crazy, people are like, yeah, I can see myself in that person. Yeah, they can see problems, they can identify exactly exactly. Okay, Um, so dr View, what is your take? I think we discussed this at the top a little bit. You want to talk about sex, and yeah about you're to talk about sex thing, which I find quite fascinating because you

don't like to sex. Just Jackson, any confirmation? Yeah, Jack what do you think you know? I cannot confirm the sex. Well, I mean maybe a little risk a photo here and there, but that's just like a hey buddy, miss you? All right, so that doesn't qualify as a sex for you. Okay, but if a woman said, hey buddy, miss you, I think it all depends on the circumstance, right, Like if you're in a long distance relationship, long term relationship, I

could see it being this is so murky. I need what a sex really is, Like, I don't think I've ever sent a pick? Can I say that? Okay? Like, what are the rules here? What are the rules keep a clean I've never sent a d pick before, you've never said a dean pick okay, um, and I've never like act do you want to? Not really? Okay, I just don't see what the point of it is, Okay. I don't like I've never asked a girl to send

me a picture. Okay, But that's picture, that's pictures. That's I mean, that's what I'm That's what I'm thinking of a pictures. I guess sex thing is different. So you're thinking of like photos, like your photos. But I guess, so what would sex thing be? Then? Just like talking dirty to each other, which I still don't do that, So you still don't do that? No, I just I don't know. I don't think that. What are you scared of?

What scares you about that? I don't know if, by the way, and not saying you should be doing that, I'm just I'm just asking questions because that's what I'm here to do. I don't know if I'm scared. I just don't think that. I'm a very outwardly sexual person. But inwardly you're a wild animal. I almost think that's like we're get we were brought up thinking that type of stuff is taboo. Where where did you grow up in Colorado? So, like, I don't know. I just think

that discussing that is I don't know private matter. I don't know. Do you are you a sexual person in general? Or or or no, Like it's sexting an extension of how you feel about sex or or is it something different that you have different views on? Well what do you think? I'm asking you the question? Don't deflect. I just I don't see what the end game of sex thing is like? Is it supposed to make me aroused?

Is it supposed to just convey interest to the person that I'm sexting it too and let them know that I'm thinking about them like that? I think your roommate Jackson, needs to come in on on this. You, Jackson, you enjoy sexting? What do you get from it? So? I have sexted before, but also I travel a lot for work, and so if I were to be in a long distance relationship, it is one way that uh, my partner and I have found to stay connected and keep the

heat and the passion. So what does the typical sex look like to you? I mean, give can you pull up your phone? Why does the typical X look like, what does a typical sex don't be shy? I mean, that's what we're here to do. I mean, yeah, yeah, um, you know it's hey, I'm in bed, I'm thinking about you. I definitely wish you were here right now. So that's not sex thing. And then and then I think that is and then it you know, maybe from there let me just help you. Yeah, so maybe it's something like

I can't wait to taste you. I want to that sex. Yeah, you know, I love to feel you on my body. That is I've said, bla blah, can you stroke the pearl? You know, like okay, okay, So the two if you were young, that's what I'm getting at. That's what I'm picking up here. You're you know, you're you're young, You're

you're maybe shy about talking about sex. Yeah, so I think kind of two Dean's point, Um, we were raised in this idea that you don't really talk about sex as I guess openly and outwardly, as maybe um some other people doing so. For me, it's always been something I've been a little bit more shy about. And also as a guy, I sometimes feel, how do I, you know, broach this sexual topic without coming across too forward and

being respectful. And you're bringing up such a good point, Jackson, because in our culture and in our society, we don't have a healthy narrative around sex. We just don't. So you know, it's either the madonna or the whore, or he's a stud or who's effing this person, who's effing that person, And there's really no real healthy narrative around what it means for two people to love each other

or not and be in a healthy sexual relationship. So I think the two of you to be sitting in the middle of this is interesting because you're you're struggling with that, and I think in an American society we struggle with that a little bit more because we're fox

Puritans really like we pretend to be the puritanical society. Meanwhile, you know, Dean is a wild animal behind closed So anyway to get I I didn't mean to derail into philosophical and and and and and academic so so so so Jackson, you so you partake in a healthy sexual So you think it's partly like our sexual repression that we have as a society, Like what would another culture be that has it maybe more healthy do you think like europe I do. Uh, you know, Europeans are a

little bit more open about sex. Um, depending on where you are. Um, there's you know, in in many ways. You know, Italy has less sexism than the United States. Um. So I think that our culture doesn't promote to have healthy conversations. And I think, Dean, some of your issues around sexting might be You're just part of a culture. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're pro sexting, you know, pro expression, but

I am. I'm pro expression. I think that sexing is just another way to be creative and fun um with someone that you love and who loves you back. And I do think, just like anything else, um, it can cause problems. It can get in the way of actual true intimacy because you know, if you have the skill of sexting, but maybe in person you're just a little too shy. And you know, here, here you built yourself up to be this. You know this amazing. You know, I want to trying to keep this g rated PG rated.

I believe in under promising and over delivering. Do you feel you do that, Dean? Do you feel you you under promise and over deliver. I don't know about the over delivery part. If you're over delivering, um, do you feel like look with the d with the dpics, I get that. I mean, that's your that's your body. You know, there's something about you know, having your body be yours

and just yours. So I understand that. Um. But if we're moving into words, which you are, um, you're saying that you have some other issues around that, And so I guess the question is do you want to remain that way? Do you like yourself for the way that you are, or do you I think that if sexting we're like way to improve a relationship, Like I think that anything is worth exploring, right, So if if by adopting sexting as a habit could improve my love life,

then I think that's something worth considering. I mean, have you ever considered that maybe it's a skill that you just don't have that I think that's sexting and putting how you feel into words is a skill, and maybe that's just not one that you have. So we did the love languages test last week, and my number one love language is physical touch, And so maybe I like to express myself more physically than I do verbally, just a thought. Okay, okay, well all right, DRV, I'm gonna

I'm gonna step aside and we're moving on. Talk about our one of our fantastic sponsors, fab Fit Fun. I don't know if you have you seen a fab fit Fun box. No, but it sounds all of the above, all of the above. So what fab fit Fun is? It is fab it is fit and it is fun. But it's a seasonally subscription box. They send it to

you once every three months. It comes with things like summer and rose, black fold over clutch, a sterling forever wishbone necklace, a spongel, body washing, fused buffer, and French And I actually got this box and I brought it home and Jackson has been using that spongeb body washing, fused buffer and he's his skin has been silky. It's honestly, it has been glowing lately. Um, what else are you get in that box? It looks there's some Himalaan pink salt.

My other roommate is big at cooking, and you cook stick all the time. I think he's been using that on the stakes lately, and it's fantastic. So what you can do mmates thank you know, they're the best. I mean they never share any of the food with me. But so if you want to experience this fab fit Fun box for yourself, all you have to do is go to fab fit fun dot com and use my code Dean at checkout and you get ten dollars off

the editor's box and the boxes. But with my code d e A N you can get it for and each box is a guaranteed value of at least two hundred dollars. So you're making out like a bandit dr V. You're gonna love it. I can promise you that much. Yes, Okay, So now we're gonna go ahead and jump to the phones and take some user calls. I just tweeted out what is your stance on sexting? Do you condone it or do you dislike it? And let's take some phone calls? So who do I have on the phone here? All right?

All right, page? What do you think about sex thing? Tell us about it? Um? I would say that if you're in a long distance relationship and it's necessary if you're wanting to do that. Okay, So do have you ever sent a sex before? Probably in like senior year high school around that age. Okay, okay, so you've kind of grown out of it. Yeah, because I had a relationship that was like six hours away. Oh so that's that's so. I have dr V from Marriage boot Camp,

Reality Stars in the Year page. So sexting your relationship alive and you know, sort of like what Jackson was expressing earlier. We've gone like two weeks without seeing each other, and so it keeps it alive. I'd say, so, are you in a relationship now? Yes? And do you sex now? No? We actually live in the same place now, but before we were separate, so yes, So you wouldn't like sex for in the living room bedroom? What about when you're at work or something like it or anything? Okay, okay,

so let me ask you this. How long have you guys been together? A year and a half? Give us the story. Oh, we just met and he sent me this little gift that said or gift whatever you call it, and I said, I like your face and it just kind of went from there. That's pretty sweet chivalry. Man, it's still around. I like your face. And what did you say back? What do you say back? Oh? Nothing, really nothing, And we kind of texted back and forth for like two weeks and we met and we started

dating the day we met. So tell us the sex people with people who won't tell me their sex? What was the sex? I don't I don't really know. I can't really think of specifically. I mean, was it? Like? I feel like the basic one is like what are you wearing? Do you find that that would be a typical male question. What are you wearing? Yes? And what did you tell what you're usually like? What what did you say? I hope you said nothing? I'm wearing nothing?

Oh yeah, I said, like nothing under my clothes. All right, Paige, thank you for calling in. We're gonna jump to the next call. I love it and good love with the relationship commando. Thank you by all Right, who do we have on the phone now? Him? My name is Arisa and Lisa and Lisa so at Lisa, you're on the phone with dr V for Marriage boot Camp reality stars in my roommate Jackson? Hello, Hi, what do you think about sex thing? Okay? I called him because I think

it's disgusting? All right? Okay, why why is it so disgusting? What do you think is disgusting about it? Um? I Okay, I just don't think it. It's right, honestly, Like maybe if you're in the relationship, like if you're in the relationship with the person for like maybe a year, like it can inside anything less than that, you know, like if you just met them, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, look, if you just meet someone, it's a little creepy analyst, like,

I'm with you when you're totally with you. Are you in a relationship now? So you're not in a relationship now. So if you were to get let's just say you met someone and um, are you hed a sexual man? Woman? Straight? You're straight? Okay, So so you meet this man, he sent you, you exchange phone numbers, he sends you a text that that's that's sexy in nature. Let's say it's not sextyng but sexy in nature. Like, I love the way you look. Your hips are so sexy. You're such

a beautiful woman. Is that disgusting? That's different, that's just flirting. Okay, So where's your line? Where's your boundary? This is what I want to know. Where's your boundary? If they were to send me like a kick without it's so true, at least you can't say that word. You're on you're a pick, so so send you an unsolicited pick of his genitals and your dude, no, no, no, no, I get you. Okay, I got you, I got you. Okay, Yeah, all right on at Lisa, Well, thank you for calling

in O, thank you. You're the best buy, best of luck with your sexty endeavors, no picks. Okay, let's do this. So again, we're joined by dr V who you probably know her from Marriage boot Camp reality Stars on we TV, and what she does is help reality stars help reality stars solve their relationship problems on television. So yeah, I think that's what I do. Dr V. What mistakes do you typically see these couples making, um, the typical mistakes

that most couples make, uh problems in communication. I think one that I've been stuck on lately is, you know, people, uh, their need to be right outweighs the empathy for their partner. And I see that more and more, And I don't know if that's from the social climate that we're living in. Everyone has a stance and they want to be right, and you know, we don't operate in vacuums. So I really do believe that some of what we're all feeling as a nation enters into how we feel as a

people and enters into our relationships. So how do you how do you advise on that? Well, I think once you acknowledge, you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. And a lot of times couples don't even realize they're doing that to one another, and once you sort of pointed out they have a third party sort of just point

that out, they're like, oh, yeah, I I do do that. Um. So I think the I think some of the hardest things is dealing with a hard ass, like a hard head, um, A lot of those god like all the time, all the time, um, and so kind of pounding through that. You know, I take too, you know, I take one

or both approaches. Either I feel like I have to get to that person by being really really soft, um and really just pouring empathy and love all over it, you know, or I have to be a hard ass and a badass and I have to say things that maybe are true that they don't want to hear. Um. And look, you know, people aren't strolling through the self help section because they want to hear things about themselves. They're walking in those actions because they want to hear

good things about themselves. And so the question really is what do you do with information that you don't like about yourself? And I think as a culture, we need to address that and as well as you know, self empowerment as well as bettering ourselves individuals, what do you

do with information you don't like about your DRV? Do you feel like reality stars because they're constantly being bombarded by h all of these outside voices telling them, you know, I don't like you for this, I don't like you for that. Do you feel like reality stars sometimes have

a stronger wallup? Maybe you know you're bringing up such a great question, Jackson, And I'll tell you what I have seen is people reality stars who have grown up as reality stars, sometimes their sense of self is a little soft, and they come into look like like like every couple comes into the house as a cup. But I really do see their individual journey um And a lot of times, people who have been in the public eye forever, um, their sense of self is a little soft.

And I feel that it's my job to help strengthen

that sense of self. Um that no one can tell you who you are, who to love, how to act, how to be that you have a boundary between you and that social atmosphere that if that makes sense, yeah, absolutely, well it's it's so interesting being on the outside and looking in because you know, it seems like a lot of people feel like they have the the right the ability to write whatever they want on Dean's wall because maybe he doesn't seem like a real person to them,

but yet he is a real person. I feel like that's got to be hard and it's true, and look like you know, you know a lot of times it's like quit being the bullying online hole that you don't have the guts to be in your real life. And that's what I find a lot on social media, you know, people looking to lash out and they're looking to be angry, and it's like, look, you woke up bankry, you know what I mean, you woke up that way. Dean didn't do that, Jackson didn't do that, I didn't do that.

You woke up like that. So so much of what we see online is a projection of just how people feel about themselves. So so back to the show then, and a little bit more about you. So you basically sit down with like these kind of like group therapy sessions. That sounds like right, Um, you know there there are they're exercises um that we and drills that we run

the couples through. Each couple doesn't UM. And a lot of times, you know, there's a lot of resistance to doing these drills because they're designed to bring up a specific emotion or or they're designed to bring up conflict. Um. So they can get uh torturous for some of the couples. And I'll tell you the reality stars who come in, couples who come in, they are always shocked. So do you advocate a couple of therapy for pretty much any relationship? No,

I I don't you know. I think I think that we've become a society where, you know, we believe that therapy is good for everyone, and it actually isn't good for everyone. And I'll give you an example, um, particularly people who have undergone trauma. A lot of times UM, new therapists and counselors and life coaches they want to talk about that trauma. Well, all you're really doing is really traumatizing that person. So for certain people, observing yourself,

observe yourself isn't the thing to do, you know. I I also think the way we digest mental health UM needs to change. It's you know, currently it just feels like it's for privileged people. Um, what's that therapy? And it's for and and and it isn't. And what's interesting about that is that therapy be again, who were privileged people by Freud for board, people who had nothing to do to come on the couch and sit and talk about their lives. So so it was designed for privileged people.

And so how we view mental health, how we approach mental health and our own ideas about mental health needs to really encapsulate, um, the the the disempowered, the disenfranchised. You know, we have to have a community that is based on helping helping other people, you know, helping helping other people feel supported and loved. So I mean therapies and is an act of isolation. You know, you're isolating yourself, you know. But I feel that our ideas about mental

health needs to be community based and community oriented. Yeah, I believe that. So so earlier you mentioned that on the TV show you put these couples through drills. Yeah, what a drill if you were to give me a drill. What would that be, Um, I would put tape over your mouth for the entire fourteen days. No, no, no, yeah, Well what can Dean do at home? What can Dean do at home? We think about Jackson and I do so we can both improve our day. That's a really

good thing to think about. You know. So much of what we do is in the moment to catch and in the moment process so so so for example, UM, we create through the art department, a very very real death scene where you get to see your partner laying in a casket or in a car crash, on an ambulance, treacher you and we create that and it's real. It looks really like every time I do it, I'm like, like a home I hugged my husband. I'm like, oh

my god, this is awful. So and we create that, And so what ends up happening is the other half of the couples that we decide are not doing that come out into this emergency situation and they see their partner dead and they have to read the last thing they wrote about them, which is usually awful. What a experiential process of learning, I mean, it's intense. So you and Jackson are going to go home and Dean, you're going to get into a coffin and you're going to

say main things, do you improve your relationship? Do you think that there are things that friends can do to have them improve their dating experiences? Like, say, is there something like Jackson can tut to help me out as a friend to be better at dating? Okay, So here's the thing, Jan I've I've sat with you just for a few minutes now, and um, I'm wondering if you're one of those people that has difficulty taking in negative feedback.

I'm wondering if you're want to receive a lot of negative feedback, because that doesn't mean you take it in Okay, you know what I mean. Like, I'm wondering that doesn't mean you you're like, oh, well, I received that feedback from someone I trust. I'm incredibly stubborn, and I think that might be part That's what I'm picking up. But something with the glitter on the face stubborn with with faery esque. For the record, yes I do have a flashtat on my face. And thank you for pointing that.

A doctor mean how everyone knows. So I think, um, like, do you feel that you would be open to Jackson giving you feedback. I mean I think that because like the title of your show is, like I said, help, I suck at dating? But do you just suck at being human? You know what I mean? I think you' all kind of do though, Like but but but in your process? Like what is it about you as a human as why you suck at dating so much? Are you trying to impress the person? Do you feel like

you're maybe you don't have good enough boundaries? Do you feel like you played too many games? Like what is it, Dean? What is it? I'm not leaving or til I get answers? Um, I think I've put up a lot of walls in relationships. So you have problems being vulnerable? Um, I think that I have moments of vulnerability, but I think overarching, yes, I probably have difficulty opening up to have difficulty opening

up to someone else. So you piled up all these walls and you have I mean, if you can't be vulnerable, you can't trust, and if you can't trust, you can't love. So so, so work on that for next week. I'll be back. We'll see how We'll see how you do I understand? Oh, Yeah, give me a call. Absolutely see how the homework went. Absolutely, yeah, we'll tell you about the re enacting. But but Dean, and in all seriousness,

as you said, something very very vulnerable. As you said, I have maybe I have trouble being vulnerable, and that is the first step. It's a it's a vulnerable thing to do. So I would love for you to think about you have to write it down, but think about all the things that you're afraid of. And it doesn't even have to be about a relationship, you know what I mean, It doesn't even have to be about that, just things that scare you and maybe things that scare

you about you. Look, I'm forty five and I still have lists of things I'm afraid of, you know, in relationships, in relationships with myself, because we're always growing, we're always changing, and and if you're not, you're the only thing in the universe that doesn't because as you, as we all sit here now, everything is changing around us. So to constantly be on top of who you are and what you believe and how you think, you know that that should be fun, right. You shouldn't feel like work. Do

you believe in astrology? Like Geese I don't think you do. I'm the answer right there. Yeah, so you don't think like an aries is more compatible with like a Taurus, you know. I'm I feel like people are looking to understand themselves and other people. Um, and I'm all for whatever helps you do that. Why are you dating someone, Dean who's no. I'm just curious, okay, because I see I have some friends who swear by that stuff, and I'm not a believer in that. What sign are you?

I don't believe that the approximate location of the stars and planets at the time of your birth have any bearing on who you are as a person. I'm an Aries. I know what I am. I guess and I can identify with some qualities. I only use signs to like huff and puff when I don't like the person. So that's what I That's the only time I ever used a sign. Okay, Well, are you know what am I? I am a Pisces, okay, Jackson to you, I'm a capricor opercorn December. That's right. Wow, Yeah, I don't know

what any of those all right? All right, Well we're gonna call next week. You are called me next week? Man, this is dr V for Marriage boot Camp Reality Stars. You're amazing. Thank you for coming to the office so much for having me, and it was so nice meeting you. Jomp ring to keep him out of trouble best, I'll send you pictures of the death scene. That all right, Well, thank you again for coming. Thank you so much. Yeah, we'll call you later on down the line and give

you an update. Already already bye bye, Thank you by doc. So the other day I was hanging out and this package showed up at our house and I was like, oh, I wonder what this is, said hello fresh on it. So you remember I came to you and I said, Dean, what is this? Would you tell me? I told you that I'm gonna start cooking meals for you. I didn't believe. I didn't because one of the things I think I could be a better roommate is if I just made you guys mutles every once in a while. Yeah. And

so the first meal, I was really surprised. It was actually really super good. What was it? It It was chicken, and it was chicken and something vegetables and some vegetables, super fresh, super juicy. Nothing like a good piece of juicy chicken. Right. It was amazing and the portions were perfect, perfect, Yeah, it was. It was nice also because I felt like it really brought us together try something new. And then afterwards what they also sent you a couple other meals,

A couple other meals. I've been eating all of them. I'm loving every single one of them. I definitely have a tendency to overeat, Like whenever I go to get Chinese food, I get like fourteen helpings. And so what's great about Hello Fresh is they rash and everything very well, so you're never over eating, but you're still not going hungry. Uh. And it was pretty healthy too, super healthy, and that's definitely something that you and I have discussed quite a bit.

Are Dios starts tomorrow tomorrow, but it actually starts today with Hello Fresh because it's freaking good. So if you go to Hello fresh dot com and use my code Ungler thirty, you get thirty dollars off, and each meal is only like ten dollars, so you're gonna get three dollars off. On top of that, you're gonna be saving a whole bunch of money eating super well, and you're just gonna be all around a happier and healthier person. So go to Hello Fresh dot com and use Ungler

thirty at checkout. That's U n G l e R Tree zero at checkout. Okay. So, so joined by one of my closest friends, Jackson, lived with him for over a year. We met, I think here in Los Angeles on the flag football team we won the championship. Was saying, Um, so I brought him in. It helps because it makes me a little bit more comfortable. He's obviously a very smart person too, so I always value his insight, um,

except for when he says something stupid and listened to it. Um. And so I thought, you know who else, who better than than Jackson, one of my closest friends, to come in and tell me what he's observed in my dating and you know, maybe what I could be doing better. Um So, Jackson, maybe do you want to maybe introduce yourself real quick? Yeah, like Dean said, my name is Jackson.

It's I'm really glad you invited me on here today because it's been a wild ride watching you through all of it, from knowing you before the show to then seeing you on it, and then going on to Paradise and then now being back in the real world. UM, I think I'm still pretty much the same person though, and that and that's what I think has been awesome is you have been very true to yourself and who you are. UM. I think you've had to navigate some

really interesting things. Uh. You know, the what we were at we were at ed sharing concert and uh, we were we were down on the court and I felt like maybe it was the Beatles and everybody was like, oh Dean, and hundreds of girls flocked and surrounded us, and it was it was crazy, but that was an interesting experience. It was pretty crazy. But you know, I felt like you've stayed again, pretty true to who you are. Now.

One of the things that's been interesting living with you is you're somebody who I think you try to come across, uh, like you aren't as in depth of a person as you actually are. How's that? So? Oftentimes, Dean, you like to laugh about things, and you like to you like to smile and get your way out of, you know, having tough conversations. But one of the things that I think a lot of people don't see about you is the nice stuff that you do and the thoughtful stuff

that you do. UM. You know that maybe people don't see. So a good example is, you know, I'll be gone for a work trip and you'll I'll get a text for me that's like, hey, buddy, how you doing and and those are the types of things that I think people don't see all the time, and and that his stayed consistent from again before the show and then even until now. So it's been a fun ride. It's definitely goes both ways too, because I remember, like, I mean, you do a lot of great friendly things for me

as well, and that's great. I mean, I think that's the basis of any strong friendship. But let's talk about dating a little bit, because you have kind of had the the the you watch me date before the show. Um, you watched obviously date on the show a little bit. Um, So what do you kind of see that I'm doing that you think I could improve upon? So I think

Dr V hit it right on the head. So I experience you as somebody who is uh, not as vulnerable probably as some people, as the people that you're in these relationships with would probably like, um, I don't necessarily see you expressing uh exactly how you feel to people from the outside. As a roommate I mean, those walls are pretty thin. They're pretty thin. I don't hear you saying maybe, as I don't hear those in depth conversations maybe, And I'm I'm right up against the wall. I've heard,

I've heard some of your in depth conversations. I guess I could open up a little bit more. Yeah, I mean is that something that are you? Do you feel like that's something you need to work on? I think that, Yeah. I think that all of us are a little slow and hesitant to open up to people, right, Yeah, how quickly? How quickly into talking to someone or dating someone do you begin telling them your story? Like you know, I mean, obviously you like tell bits and pieces about yourself like

fragments throughout the whole dating experience. But they're obviously like certain nuggets of information that maybe cause you to feel vulnerable, right, I mean everyone's got those, right, So, like, how how long the relationship do you begin trusting someone to open up about that kind of stuff? For me, it takes quite a while, probably, I don't know, six or seven months before I really feel like, Okay, I'm going to open up with this person. Um And and with dating

and friendship, I think it's a very similar thing. I mean, Dean, I don't think I really new your full story until us living together for quite some time. Um. And that's something where I mean, do you feel like you know my full story? Um? I know, we've discussed it quite a bit. Here's my situation or my feeling on that is.

I I think that I hold those stories with very high value, and so it's like by sharing it, so like if I were to share it so frequently with someone that I'm you know, just meeting or just talking to, it's almost like devaluing that part of my life a little. I don't know, maybe not, maybe I'm talking to myself in circles. But it's like the more you share, like you're over sharing and it's kind of like taking away.

Is it that you think that it loses value? Or are you afraid to be vulnerable and get close to those people? I mean probably a little bit of both.

And I'm not saying like it loses value as a story, but like my personal value of it is like a little bit like it's weird now because going on a TV show, obviously I talked to it like everyone that watched about my story, and it was something I never really discussed with anyone beforehand, So it was like going from you know, zero people to however many people kind

of being familiar with it. And yeah, I think I think that it's it takes someone very special to be able to open up to, right, And I don't want to, I guess, open up like the deepest parts of my life to someone that I'm not invested in. Do you feel do you feel like you have a fear that if you, you know, maybe you share this story with them and then that person is going to leave? I mean maybe that isn't part of Yeah, there's I mean I think there's a little bit of fear to that.

I think that it would take a pretty crappy person to leave you when you kind of like pour your heart out to them, right yeah, yeah, But isn't that kind of scary? I mean I think I sometimes have that fear of while I'm about to be really vulnerable, open up, share this story and then maybe it's not gonna work out, and then you know, I've invested this time in this important part of me with this person. There is a certain fear I think too, especially within

our friend group. I think that there are a lot of very strong, like familial units, right, and so like opening up to someone about how my family is like dysfunctional, it kind of I could see it being scary for someone else that has a very close family connection. Right. So my last girlfriend before I wanted the show, she's incredibly close with her parents, um, and her brother. They're

all there, you know, a big, happy family. And I think that people often want to replicate those types of situations, and by being introduced to a situation that maybe isn't the most cohesive, it kind of gives, uh, like signs of warning or something like that. Right, Yeah, I get that. Yeah, coming from a family that has experienced divorce on my sign, uh, that is always something that I am hesitant to share at the beginning because it's scary. Maybe this is a

warning sign that I don't know what I'm doing. Um, do you kind of feel like you have any of

those fears? Maybe not necessarily with the divorce part, but you know, with that feeling of well, and I think I've mentioned this even actually during the filming of The Bachelorette is I don't want my current family situation to be a reflection of what I want my family to be moving forward, and so maybe I like kind of sugarcoat things and don't open up because I have this idea of what I want my future to look like

in it doesn't really involve much of my past. And I guess obviously we're all shaped and molded by the experiences and that that um things that we go through as children and obviously like has young adults. But I think that we're always trying to like better ourselves, right and provide a better future for ourselves. And so I'm maybe, I don't know, I'm thinking ahead instead of trying to

look behind. And I think we're both pretty headstrong people and that we feel like, hey, we are gonna, you know, dictate how our lives are going to end up, and so we don't want, you know, again that the past to to have any um barns on what we're gonna do. Yeah, I got that, Yeah, I agree. Alright. So while you're you know, in the podcast app downloading all your favorite podcasts, including this one, don't forget to go in and check out Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly, one of my close friends.

And then there's also Almost Famous with Ben and Ashley I, two of my other favorite people from the entire franchise. They've got some juicy stuff they're talking about every single week. I, for one m a subscriber. I love listening to them and it's always fun to hear their take on everything. So one of my favorite things is taking emails from listeners because it's a direct line to hear kind of some of the stories that you're involved with and some

of the problems that you're having as well. It's great to know that I'm not alone in my foibles throughout this whole relationship world that we're all trying to navigate through. So Mark, who you guys have met before, UM, is going to read us a couple of the emails that we got. And by the way, it's I saw at dating at iHeart media dot com. This is from Kita. Dear Dean, So I suck at dating, and I think

it might be because I'm too ambitious. I'm twenty five, I have a master's degree, have had an almost three year career, and I'm in my second career pursuit. I play sports and have lots of hobbies and goals, so I have plenty of ambition, but it seems like whenever

that ambition starts peeking through, they get really distant. For example, I try to be honest about how busy my schedule is and how much ambition I have, but so many guys get turned off when they expect me to drop everything to hang out with them, and I say, my schedule is pretty full, but we could advance. I always offer a time the following week that would work for me, But so often the guys throw out the line like, well, if it was important, you would make time for it, Dean.

These are guys that literally just met, throwing me shade for not dropping out of school or work to hang out with them. In my opinion, it was important to them. They'd realize how precious my time is and be sensitive enough to be okay with needing to schedule a little ahead of time. Help. Well, I think that if any guy is telling you, if it's important enough for to you, you you should make time for it, just stop talking to them, right Well, you know, I wonder who these

guys are that you're that you're meeting. Ultimately, I think you've got to find somebody who matches you on the same level, and somebody who respects that ambition, and somebody who is probably just as busy and so understands what it takes to to navigate that. And secondly, Keita keep doing you because master's degree, all these things. You're killing it girl. Any of these guys should be lucky to

be hanging out with you. I think that whenever I try to make plans with someone and they say, let's do it next week at this time, it's kind of a little off putting because I think that we're in such a we're I mean, this is gonna get kind of stupid for a second, but we're in a time right now where we get things so quickly, Like we

want something, we get it right away. And so for you to be telling these guys who can pretty much go on and access anything they want at anytime, it's like you're basically not allowing them to have what they want as quickly as they want it, which is good. I think that someone should be able to do that. I think that independence is incredibly sexy. Um, Dean, do you think that she should just drop everything for these guys whenever they say let's meet this week? I think

she should know. No, what do you think? I don't think so. I don't think so either. Yeah, you keep doing you, You'll find the right guy. I promise This is from Michelle. Hi Dean, I suck at dating. I'm the worst. I'm someone who's guarded in her feelings. Mainly whenever I like someone, they have a hard time knowing because I'm actually pretty rude to them. That being said, I also go for the bad for me guys and that they're emotionally unavailable. The guys that are right for

me I have a hard time deciding on. I don't know why I'm the worst. I'm a hopeless romantic. I used to be a Disney princess. Fairy tales are my issues. All I want if the casually dated person get to know them and see if it can build. Potentially, Where do I go to meet a man and not a boy. I don't want a ghost. I want someone who communicates, but it's also driven in life. Yeah, well, so I think that Jackson has taken a pretty cool approach. He

has been doing a lot of interesting things. Last week he went to Last week Jackson went to it was like a taco cooking class or something, and you weren't going specifically to look to like find a woman, but it was a very heavily female dominated. I think you made some friends there, right, Like it's cool to be

able to go to things like that. Yeah, so I I definitely was in not necessarily looking for anything or anybody, but I wanted a new experience here in l A. And so I went to this cooking class and it was all about trying new foods, and there were people there who were also in this same mindset of I want to try new things, and that led to finding cool people who are ambitious and who are maybe not necessarily just looking to go out to the bars all the time and drink. So maybe that more mature area.

You gotta look someplace new, Maybe look someplace new. I think that going to the bars with your friends is great. I think that if you're looking for guys at bars, that's probably not the best spot to be looking for them, because you're gonna find those types of guys that are going out every Friday Saturday night getting drunk and just

being obnoxious. And that's probably why. And that might be where the bad for me guys, bad for me guy the emotionally unavailable ones because they're probably young and just want a party, which is nothing wrong with that. It's just you've got to maybe just change maybe where you're looking for them. Yeah, that's my take on it. This is this one's kind of deep, But Dean, I think there are parts of this you can probably relate to. Hey, Dean, this is Sarah. I'm a big fan of your from

the Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Although it was painful to watch you put yourself in that situation, I don't think anyone should judge you because that is in a normal dating scene. My problem with dating is that I have no problem getting a guy interested, but I struggle opening up to guys and therefore reach a point in the relationship where I self sabotage. I find something about the person I don't like, I make them not like me,

or I put pressure on it too fast. I know I sabotage relationships and I have trouble opening up, but I still can't fix it. My mom also passed away when I was eleven, and I have a fear of losing someone again. My dad has been the worst male role model and that and never put me first, and I'm terrified of being with a man anything like him. Hopefully you have some great advice for me, and you have better luck and your dating experiences as well. Sarah.

You know it's weird because this email that Sarah just sent in Dina actually really sounds kind of a lot like your experience. So okay, we'll get into a little bit background story of the filming of the Batchette because again we it all comes back down to this. I think that very first home or the very first one on one date that I had with Rachel, when I

opened up about losing my mother. It was difficult, but there was a an I t M and in the moment interview that I was that we were filming before the dinner portion of the date, I think, and I broke down and like I cried a lot before the dinner in the interview, and I think what the producer made me realize. He was like he was saying, you're scared to get attached to someone because you don't want to lose someone that you care about again. And he

made me think about he put in perspective. He said, if you could go back and change any of the memories that you have with the person that you loved my mother, would you go back and get rid of those memories and answer obviously is no, because you love her. I loved her um and all of the good times, as bad as it was dealing with the loss of her, the good memories that I had were still overshadowing and

outshining the the the ultimate loss of her. Right, So I guess I could be reflected into relationships of if you can love someone wholeheartedly with the risk of losing them, and but the fact is you're you're going to create good memories from it, right and be in love and find someone. Yeah, you know, it was kind of interesting.

We were up at the filming for your hometown and I remember meeting you at the bar before you went to your parents to your to your dad's, and I remember you being pretty visibly nervous about what that experience was going to be like, because you from from the outside, it looked like you were nervous that Rachel was going to see that and automatically say, yeah, say I don't want to be with Dean because of what his family

is like. And here's the thing, I would never say that my father is a poor role model, right, Like he's my father. I love him. We have disagreements, we don't necessarily get along, but he's still my father, right, and I'm proud of the person that I am. I'm obviously still learning a lot, but I mean I have sent him to think for a lot of who I am. Right, So even though your father is maybe not the best role model, you still have to appreciate the person that

you are now. And and it's kind of like the Fervor method, right, like love by um separation. I don't know exactly how to say it, but like in my actually try to try to make this point to me too, He's like, you should be grateful about the uh the lack of love I showed you as a child, because it shaped you into the person that you are now. And it's I mean, it sucked. I've got really upset when he told me that. I was like, are you kidding me? You just told me that? But like in

in hindsight, like it's kind of true. I remember saying I always wanted to form myself into the opposite person that he is. Right, So it's kind of like I

don't know, addition by subtraction. Well, it's about how we uh see these challenges and see these negative things that happen and can you spin it into a positive can you learn from and then can you you know, take maybe the negative qualities, consider to take the negative qualities about you know, the people in her life and maybe turn it into Okay, I want to look for these positive qualities now. So to Sarah's point, the self sabotage,

the unwillingness to open up. I mean it's hard for me to to try and give advice on that because I'm still struggling with it so mightily. Yeah, and so like I can say what I think I should be doing, and that could maybe look reflect onto you, Sarah. But again, I mean, I don't remember what I'm doing, so well, how are you gonna how are you gonna try and get better at that? I think that I've started to open up to people a lot more specifically in dating.

But it's interesting now opening up is a little bit different because people are more aware of my story and I don't really have to, I guess, talk about as much as I would otherwise to fill in to talk about it. I mean, yeah, every once in a while, like all, like share stories from my childhood when I normally would never do that. Um, Like, I'm opening up bits and pieces to my past that I normally wouldn't otherwise, so too, I guess Sarah's point and maybe to help

her out just like slowly chip away at it. I mean, it's not going to happen overnight. It's just a it's a working, working progress. Maybe start with something small to share and then kind of go from there. Yeah, and it's funny too. I think we talked to We discussed it last week a little bit, but that one of my reluctancies to open up is because I just don't want to bore people and sharing like little stories of when you were ten years old. I mean, it's just

kind of boring sometimes times. But I think that when you're sharing it with someone that you like, if it's a girlfriend or if it's a friend, all it does is strengthened the bond between the two of you guys. Right, all right, Well that'll just about do it for episode four of Help I Suck At Dating? I want to give one more big thank you to my roommate Jackson for being here. It was my pleasure buddy dr V who is no longer in studio, but she was great. So next week's topic is do you Suck at Dating?

If you only text the other person? What do you think, Jack? I am a big advocate of calling. I love calling people. It's definitely becoming like a lost art form. So I like texting. I'm I'm a big texter, but I have been getting much better with and whenever my phone rings, I'm always always like I don't want to answer this, but aren't you kind of excited though? And like you

see a girl calling you not just a text? Yeah, I think like if it's like a late at night and you just want to have a conversation, like, I appreciate it. I've been facetiming a lot lately, so I'm getting better at the whole conversation over the phone. And I personally think that you do kind of suck at dating if you only a text, right, Yeah, I agree. It's it's a lot easier to say things in a text, I think than it is over the phone when they can hear your voice and they can well you do

have a great voice thought all the time. Alright, So next week we're going to talk about that a little bit more. Do you suck at dating if you only want to text the other person? Email your thoughts too? I suck at dating at i heeart media dot com about this topic, that's I suck at Dating at i heeart media dot com. Do you suck at dating if you only want to text the other person again. That'll

do it. For episode four of Help I Suck at Dating, I'm Dean Aungler, and maybe next week I'll suck a little bit less