#2 Determined Dean

Peter Krause, what's up, buddy? Thank you for for taking the time to jump on the phone with me here. Of course, thanks for the invite. I appreciate it. No, of course, of course. I mean I think it's pretty obvious why I wanted you on the phone. I mean, you and I we we grew a great friendship throughout the course of the Bachelorette, right, and I think it's pretty clear. I think that America would agree with with me by saying that you are significantly better at dating

than I am. And you know, it's funny. We talked about a lot of things, you and I and I feel like this is one thing that we maybe haven't discussed very much on you know what, I can maybe do to be better what maybe you saw during the bachelrette that you maybe I didn't like so much or ever thought was a bad idea anything like that. So

I mean going back to it right you? And actually I want to talk about this a little bit too, because I feel like you got a bad edit in a sense where you did a lot of things behind the scenes, um that were very like romantic, Like you were like doing all these gestures. I remember you painted a bottle. You were like setting up all of this stuff that um didn't really seem to get displayed, right. And meanwhile I was just kind of sitting there with my uh, sitting on my hands, like not really sure

what to do. So uh, I mean that being said, where do you what kind of advice? I mean, just to dive right into it. Would you think you would have for me advice for you? Well, I promise I never watched bas from Paradise in Dating, if you will, I didn't see it. So I just gotta gut to hear about it all second hand. Um, from what I

saw with you on the show, I don't know. I think you just got on your own head a couple of times, and as time went on, and maybe you know, you got further and further away from your comfort zone, it just pame more difficult. But I don't think you do anything wrong. You're You're a fun loving guy, your kind,

You're very well stillken intelligent. I just feel like maybe it was too much, too soon, and you weren't ready for it Towards the other Yeah, I agree, Um, I think that especially near the end, we I think all of us were kind of getting our heads a little bit. I think I yeah, without a doubt. Um, I think with everything that I had going on, with the hometowns and all that, and you know, obviously I saw a kind of everyone else's connection. It was it was a

lot to process. But um, what about like, like, maybe could you jump into some of your dating experiences doesn't have to be on the show. It could be you know, before the show, Um, whatever it might be that you think you do as a data that separates you from everyone else. My biggest thing is dating is listening. So you know, when you're dating somebody, it can no longer be about yourself. It asked me about that person and how you to interact together, So you have to put

that person first. Thing about yourself second, and when giving them the love that they desire and have to be in a way that they appreciate it, not in a way that you feel like they should appreciate it. So I personally think the biggest misconception and dating is that you give a level of love and they're expected to

receive it with happiness. Well, if I like to give love through for example, like gestures or word in fasformation, or I like to receive it in that way, that doesn't mean that they're going to appreciate that when I do it. So I can't be upset with them. I can't get angry when they don't necessarily reciprocate those same feelings because they need it, they've given to them in

a different way. So I think it's really good to have a really open mind, Uh, listen and learn a lot about your partner, and then take those things you learn to give the love back in the way that they really seek. Fit gotcha, so you think it. Listening is obviously very important. I think catering to the desires of whomever it is that you're dating obviously is important because you want to kind of specialize they're the way that you treat them. In the way that they need

to be treated. I suppose right, UM, And I guess I saw a lot of that too, and it kind of transformed in front of our eyes through the seven, you know, eight weeks that we spent together on the show is um. You know, as you get to know someone more and more, you begin to understand what they appreciate and how to continuously make them happy. UM. And it's funny too, because I feel like some of the

guys just maybe didn't get that to click. You know, they kind of had their their minds made up on how they were gonna act or what they were going to do, and they just kind of stuck to their guns and didn't really adapt too much. So I think that listening is very important. I think that I could definitely improve in the listening department. Um. I think why we have such a great friendship is because, yeah, we share a lot of things, UM, beliefs, ideals, characteristics. I

guess you will, but then you do listen well. And when we have a conversation, we're having a conversation between two friends. It's not like you're not trying to get anything out of us, and you're not expecting anything you're you're there to have a good conversation and be a buddy versus there's people. Then I still run into today where like you think you're making a friendship and then you realize, oh, there are in this culterior motives and

that's not you. So if you take the same approach to your dating, I don't see them being a problem that granted at all. Watch you and you're dating necessarily. I haven't seen you in the probilities that you have dated in person, but from what I see, if you're find at it, well, we definitely had a lot of time to talk and listen to one another throughout the time we spent together. Um, what do you think makes

our friendship or any friendship? Because I mean I have a lot of friends, You have a lot of friends, and yet here we are, um, you know, single essentially right, So it's what maybe makes a friendship with whomever it is easier than than forming a relationship with someone. I guess it is kind of the the easiness of it all, the levity of of just kind of you know, sitting back, talking and listening and not necessarily having to to put

so much pressure on it. Well, I mean there's a big part of it there in a friendship, there's no promise of future, Like you're able to just slide right into a friendship knowing that it is what it is wherever it really ends up, and maybe it does take fressure off in versus that you know that it's something that you're it's just been long term and then maybe just in a new long term that changes the dynamic and how you approach relationship and the conversation that you

have and what's kind of like an umbrella over of you thinking, you know, do I have to get more? Do I have to give less? Is this what I want for my long term? And maybe that also comes with age when you start to think about that. Maybe at my younger ages, I wasn't really thinking about it in a relationship. I was just thinking, is this girl cool to hang out with? Do I enjoy your company? That was it versus now it's like, do I see

this one being a mother of my children? Do I this woman working up next to me every single day and being the love of my life and some majority of the days at least being happy. I'm not gonna say it's gonna be every day, but you know, in a friendship, you don't necessarily look at that, so it's different. It's a lot easier. Being a buddy is a lot easier than being a girlfriend eventually fiancee, eventually wife less expectation, I guess in a friendship, So it kind of makes

everything a little bit easier. I think that makes sense. And so earlier you you referenced the love language is right, do you know what your love language is? I know how I like to receive love, I guess more than player. I like to give love, okay. I really like to be love through words of affirmation okay, and to like talking things out is really important to me. Being encouraged and being confirmed in my UM, I guess love or

their love for me is really important to me. So just being what your being reassured, I think mine it probably is words of affirmation as well, with quality time mixed in there. Um. I think the reassurance and just kind of like knowing that someone can be there for you at any moment, like whenever you might need them

for whatever reason. Um, if you just need someone to talk to, and kind of knowing that at that moment if you need to talk to, someone will be there and I guess it's kind of a mixture between words of affirmation and quality time. I'm not really sure in hand and hand. I guess it's like if you're if you're there for them in that moment, you're probably saying a couple of things because of an affirmation. Well at the same time giving that quality time. So I can

totally see them being hand and hand. Would you consider yourself an affectionate person? Oh, totally, I think so. Yeah, I mean, but I think maybe it comes in different way.

So it's funny now, Like I mean, you know about the beast of social media, and I talked about it a lot, but it's something that is now involved in our lives and when we have to kind of read the comments because you won't be able to see what people are saying positive and if there's something that you can do differently or see there's something that maybe you said that was offensive or inappropriate or something maybe you just maybe change someone maybe for the better reason. And

that's that's a crazy part about it too. And I think we touched on this later on in the podcast, But how do you think social media has changed that? Because especially for you and I, you know, now it's a little bit more public are our dating lives and the comments, like you said, and all that kind of stuff. So how has that affected you? I mean, obviously don't get too specific or anythink that, but I mean it's hard.

It's hard to ignore all this stuff, right, And it's it's much different now than it was, you know, six months ago before we went on the show. Right. Oh, it's totally different. Maybe before you could date someone with out for your judgment. If you like them, you'd introduce to your family, and your family would be happy as long as you were. At least I thought it works

in my family. And so now it's like, if I did start dating someone, are people going to think that, you know, I'm doing it for one reason and another? Are they gonna like them? Are they gonna suddenly put all the case that they put on us, uh something on the show onto them? Uh? Are they you know, good date us like relationship itself? Is that person date you or I for the wrong reasons? Uh? It's hard to say. Yeah, it's totally puts a whole new perspective

on dating at this point. Yeah, it changes, It changes for sure. And it's funny too. I mean in regard to to all of that. It's what I always telling myself is the people with the least amount of information are the ones with the most amount to say. So it's like you look at it and you're like, okay, but we don't like know each other, you know, anything like that. But it's still it's still hard to not

let it get to you. And um, I know you you were under obviously a lot of like scrutiny for for a while during some of those episodes, and um, I've had my fair share as well, but I mean, I know it's it's difficult not to let it gets your head. And you have done a really good job of not necessarily buying into any of the hatred, which I can appreciate in respect from you, Um, Peter, you're

the man. Thank you again for taking the time. Uh again, I've I've always kind of looked up to you, both in dating and as a friend, and I will continue to do that. And um, you know, all of your advice is definitely very much appreciated, and I look forward to talking soon. I appreciate man, You're killing it and keep doing what you do, all right, take care buddy, Alright, Yes,

I suck at dating. But what has made dating easier throughout the years, and one way it continues to improve is through the use of dating apps, and one of those apps is Bumble, who happens to be one of our sponsors. Um I I think I told a story very briefly in the very first episode about um how on a second day I was on my hands and knees in this girl's bathroom because I ate some um some bad I think it was Chinese food. And ironically enough, she was a lovely young lady that I met on

Bumble and uh, great girl. Um. Again, it didn't really go very well after that, just because of that moment. UM. I do know that that girl had since found a boyfriend and is still with boyfriend, living with the boyfriend that she met on Bumble. UM. I believe it was a boyfriend she met immediately after, which is great because I mean, it gives us all, you know, a sense of hope and a sense of of um pride in knowing that it works for people, and it's worked for me,

It's it's worked for obviously her and some of my friends. UM. But there's not just Bumble for dating. There's there's actually three different Bumble apps. One of them is for dating, one of them is bumble bf which is for friend finding, and bumble biz which is for professional networking. And I'm

just learning about this now. I think that's great. I think especially if you, you know, if you move somewhere new and you don't really know that many people, bumble bff is a great way to be introduced to, you know, locals that are on your same age and have the same interests as you. Um, one of my best friends actually just moved to India, country that you know, he's never really been to before, and um, I know he's actually using it out there because he's you know, hoping

to to meet more people. And it's just a great opportunity and a great avenue to be able to do something like that. So go to bumble dot com slash dean to download the bumble app and again you get three of them, Bumble for dating, bumble bff, and bumble Biz for fessional networking, which is just great. So bumble dot com slash tean, download the app and start bumbling. Okay. Joining us next is Patti Stanger from millionaire matchmaker Patty. Are you there? Yeah? Hi? Jean How are you? I'm

doing well? How are you good? Look at you? Mr big Shot? Who do thunk it? What a what a concept? Your name from in Venice? Right? Don't you live in Venice? I live in Venice? Yes, that's right, I remember. I remember. We we live like five blocks apart. There you go, so, um, all right, Well, so Patty, do you mind filling in our listeners a little bit more about you and who you are? Yeah? So I am the million Dollar Matchmakers. It's a different show. It's on WE TV. You can

watch it Friday nights at nine o'clock. And this week's are finally with Courtney Stotton, who is crazy Mazie, Matsy bestie and all the things you can imagine if you know Courtney. But the show is really about It's like it's kind of like Intervention meets the old Millionaire Matchmaker, um, where I basically put you in the hot seat. And if you watched the episode with Daniel, you know you can get a little testy because you know how Daniel is right, he doesn't like to be told or criticized

or anything. And then I kind of figure out why are you not finding love? And I kind of break you have your bad habits and get you on the road to love. And then at the end of the episode, we actually give you a date and then you get to decide whether you want to keep the date or not. So there's a little game show effects the end. I don't understand why are you single? Well, that's what I'm hoping you can tell me. I said, if I were only thirty years younger, Um, you think you have too

much going on? It could be. It could be the case. I I definitely and find myself enjoying being busy. Okay, are you dating a D D? Are you one of those D A D D guys? So it's like, oh my god, everyone's throwing themselves at me, and I'm dating all these people, but I'm not actually thinking about what I really want and a woman and then waiting for the right woman to show up. Are you that guy? I don't think so. I think that I don't know.

It's hard to say I really want to have someone in my life, so that way, I don't necessarily even have to worry about that. I mean, I think that the it just gets exhausting after a while, right, you know, people are trying to talk to you and you have a real job. You're not like one of these local people that are just like they get on The Bachelor. They have no real job, their personal trainer and they're just floating around. You have a don't you have a

real job, like in a real company. So I've been a recruiter for three years, um, since going real job. Okay, So, so you have a structured life. You have your nine to five, right, and then you've got like you can play at nine and play in the weekends. And most guys like that are tired at the end of the day. They're like exhausted from working and either they're not being proactive in their search or they're just like winging it. And what you need to do is get strategics. I

think that's your problem. You're not strategic. Strategic how what do you mean, Well, you've got to decide what you want. Look, you've had the experience of the Bachelor. Who knows if you're going to come back to the ap next year. Hopefully they'll last you back. But you know your jab, you're only getting people that they're giving you, So you're not really expanding your net and going out and meeting real people because you're probably hanging out with Bachelor Nation,

which is fine. A lot of those people got married behind the scenes. It's actually like like its own dating service, and it's actually fantastic. I mean it makes sense in a way. It's a bunch of charismatic, you know, fun loving, upgoing people that kind of get together. What are they really strategic? Where are they serious about love? And are they local? Can you have a lot of them are long distance. You can't really have a long just like Olivia.

You can't have a long distance relationship. You want someone perfectly on the west side, right, you don't want to slept, you know wherever all not a valley girl. Right on date one a girl? Would you dat a valley girl? I mean the short to drive, the better, to be honest, it's like an okay, So for those who don't know who are listening nationwide, the valley is like an hour away from where team lives. So there's this whole rule, like you need your visa to go there. It's like

another country, another state. So everybody stays on one side the streets. The value people stay with the value people, and the beach people stay with the beach people. But you can head down to Manhattan Beach. So you think that if you met someone that was important enough to you, you would be you should be willing to travel an hour an hour and a half to to wherever it is that the people say until they actually have to get in the car and stan in the fourth five

or two hours. I mean, if you have a great podcast to listen to, maybe for the commute, you never know, there you go. I actually was engaged to a valueball, the valetball value boy, and I lived in Mdr marinadel right, and I used to think it was like going to the country for the weekend, because coming from Jersey and Florida where I grew up, it was like that was country to me, you know, the mountains and the and the trees and the green and not the beach. So

I didn't mind going there. But a lot of a lot of guys don't want to. Look I have promised with the O T guys where they don't want to go to even South Bate to date my clients my girl. Okay, So distance is definitely something to take into consideration, right, Okay. So the other rule is that where you give me, give me a course of your week, I'm really good in analyzing some sweets. All right, so you got the week off, you're not doing pressed. Where are you going

to meet when in on the weekends? Where you going? Give me? I don't really ever actively go out to meet women. I just go out and hang out with my friends. And okay, so where are they? Where the friends going? Are they going to Lincoln? Are you going to the bar at Lincoln Bar around the corner? Where you're going? We we we frequent Lincoln. Um, it's it's actually kind of been the hot spot among the friend group. I don't know. I like to go. I like to

be active, go to football games. Um, lazy Lincoln. So there's lazy Lincoln. Right, football games are getting fixed and we've got the rams now, so you can actually do that. Okay, what else? Give me another one? Um? Hiking all I mean, I guess I wouldn't really meet a group of fixing. You're going to ring in Canyon. Um, I've actually never been to running. I like to do kind of more of the low key ones. Okay, so you're not doing anything that's female related, So let me tell you where

the women are. You got a pencil on paper, because you clearly don't know. I've been writing every single, every single word of yours down so far. Start with yoga. Oh my gosh, faster are sixty seventy women compared to like maybe twenty male. My roommate tries to get me to yoga with him every single day. There's tempers. Okay, So so you have a sixty chance of meeting girls not only in your age group, but hot sexy yoga types. Now, if you like the skinny wave, you know, no tips,

Sally as I like to calm you know. Then you go to yoga class. Okay, one step up sole cycle. Oh I've been to a cycle class before. Okay, So you switch it up. You do Santa Monica, you do in Manhattan Beach. You switch it up, switch it out to the different areas on the west side to see which feels better for you. And you can do equinox too. You can do that too. People onto the gym. Okay, now you've got to third classes are spiritual classes and

meditation classes. You want to go to umplus in Santa Monica. This is assuming that this is the type of girl that I'm interested in, because maybe I don't want a yogi If you hike and you're athletic. You want to athletic, I can let girl, So you gotta go to female like orange theory, you gotta go to female related things as opposed to going to Gold's gym and lifting and pumping irons with a bunch of guys where there are no women there. Don't just tell me you like to hike.

Don't you think that it would be important to meet someone, uh something that you're already interested in? Now you haven't anyone because you're argumentative here. Oh, I'm definitely the most stubborn person that I know. Um. Does this advice carry over for all of the listeners as well? Are you? Are you saying that if you're interested in meeting someone, you should let's let's make you mainstream. Okay, So whole

Whole Foods which was taken over by Amazon. I'm sure the Whole Foods in every neighborhood in the United States, okay, or there's a health foods store in their neighborhood with a different name. Okay. There are spiritual classes, meditation classes, church. If you're really religious, okay, you go in the church. A lot of churches have singles groups. If you're if you're that religious or temple okay, or any other religion that there's out there. Okay. Then you've got athletics. Okay. So,

for instance, the Northerners like the Once in Colorado. You want to join a ski club okay, especially women women that want to find men. It's male skiers. So and they're really good looking and they've got money. The skiing is the most expensive ticket in town, okay. Or snowboarding, same thanks being snowbarding. Okay. Then you've got um. So that's the athletic part, and that's the spiritual part. Okay. Now, just by chance, okay, there are places that are female

friendly to go to. Okay, So what if females like to do They like to eat right, right, So you want to find restaurants that are more predominantly female than male. Okay, you have to do your homework. This is research. Every city in the United States and every town has this. But people just thro lazier creatures of habit. You keep going a link and expecting a different result. And then I'm sure when you're with your friends you don't pay

attention to women anyway, because you're drinking with your friends. Okay, but I guess my argument. My retort is, don't you think it's important to meet someone like a place of shared interest? Right? So if I like go in football games, don't you think it'd be great to meet someone? That's if women went to football games mostly a male sport, so it's not female. A lot of few must go with their boyfriends to the football games. How about this

the flip side of it. If if I'm a woman, if if I'm a woman looking for a man, would I should be going to golf tournament? Source should be going to golf, tennis, basketball, and so on, all behind sports NHL, yeah, baseball, all of that. Can I ask you what? I know you touched on this a little bit, and I think that I remember you saying that you listen, you watch Paradise a little bit. What mistakes did you

see me making throughout the show? Specifically, you fall in love fast, like you got a little bit of vine and you too, yeah he oh my god, he's a cliff diver. Yeah yeah, you fall to click and you're like, I think you turn on and off. You have his you have history with like I like right on, like I like right on, like I like you go up and down, Like, so, how do I combat that? How do I work on that? That's something that you have to do. You have to when you last time I

had a serious, serious girlfriend. How many years ago? M hmm, maybe a year and a half, two years ago, a year ago. How long was this relationship? Probably about a year? Okay, So what went wrong? Um? I think that we stopped making time for each other and I just kind of disintegrated from there. No longer was a price. So you lost interest? Need you lost interest? I don't know if

it was necessarily losing interest. I think that. I mean, yeah, I guess if you don't prioritize the person in your relationship, that's kind of could be deemed as losing interest. The first thing you want to do is not make your boyfriend or girlfriend your entertainment buddies. I mean, they're not here to make you have entertainment in your life. You want to have a nice, calm, relaxing relationships. Their best friends. We like to do the same things. We like teat

the same food, we like to hang in the same places. He, she or he has your back. When you're in a desperate situation, a crisis, Uh, you lost your job, you know, you have to move whatever they're there for you. And then of course sexual chemistry rules the street as the beginning does. But eventually that like kind of you know, it's still there, but it's not as heightened as it is in the beginning because you're in the honeymoon's phase.

After three months, it'll it'll probably dip a bit. So you have to look at people like this is what you're getting for the rest of your life and not get bored. You have a problem of getting bored. That's but what are you bored with you or you born with them? I guess I still need to figure out which it is, right, Okay, well that's the psychological thing that you have to take now. The second thing I would do is take the Five Languages of Love test. It's a very famous test you can take online. Um

it is the best test in the world. You find out how you love and then you compare it to the person you're dating how they love. If you guys have the opposite love languages, don't panic. It just means you have to love your woman or your man the way they need to be loved in order to for you to receive love, and they will do the same thing to you, and it'll take a lot of the drama and a lot of the heat out of the relationship because you may not like drama. Are you do

you like drama or you're not into drama? I have preferred no drama. You look like you're an avoider. That's what I felt like. I'm v I P. So if that's the case, then you need a girl who can resolve conflict rationally even during your period, which is a good which is really yeah, that's major, right, resolve conflict rationally as in like sit down and have like an objective viewpoint on and on kind of what's going on

and how to fix it. Right. And then the other thing is you might want to become a hunter, because we haven't decided if you're a gatherer hunter. So if you're going to be an alsa hunter and rule the roost, then those are the men that would actually get online if they weren't finding it locally in their hoods. They would actually get on Tender. They would actually get on Bubble or whatnot, whatever app they like, you know, Ray or whatever, and they would they would go hunting for

what they're looking for, like who's your celebrity crush. Um. I think it changes every day. Uh, Gal Gadio's right up there, though, maybe Emmanuel she cree because a wonder woman right now? Okay, what's the other one? Emmanuel? She creates sloan from Entourage. I'm I'm butching butching her last name.

I know that. But so if that's the case, then go online and start hunting for the girls that look like that that you feel most sexually attracted and then see on the profile if they had interests like you had. But you've got to make an effort, and you know, sometimes forget your friends for a while. I know that sounds terrible with those who travel and pactsaw on the track. So maybe you need to go out by yourself and start hunting. I don't know if I could go by myself.

My friends are like the most important people to me though, so I want I definitely, Oh no, no, they're not going to be when you get and fall in love, so they're going to become second and first, it's going to be your woman. Maybe you need to learn that lesson love is first. Love is the priority. Well I'm still learning that. That's what That's what the point of the podcast is. I guess we ain't got a time,

so you're probably not gonna get seriously your thurday. But if you really want a girlfriend, you're gonna go out there and hustle it up. Then you really don't want a girlfriend right now. I mean maybe you need to make it a priority that that definitely, definitely is an important thing to consider. All right, Patty, Well, thank you so much for the time and all of your advice and and god last you and I hope you have a really good time. Just like hit me up when

you're in the absolutely once for lunch. All right, I'll meet you there maybe next week and we'll discuss more. Okay, you got it, take care of Patty. Bye. Perfect. So so my homework will be to take the Love Languages Quiz. I'll be sure to do that before next week's episode. What I would love is for all of the listeners, if you have the time, maybe take the love Languages

quiz as well. Um. I think it's five love Languages dot Com the number five love Languages dot Com and we can maybe tweet about it and then and then discuss it next week on air. I think that'd be pretty interesting. As Mark just said, I think I know what my love languages, but it would be interesting to see what it came back with on like a long I'm sure it's probably like a hundred question quiz or

something like that. Um, and yeah, it'd be interesting. And then you can kind of I think as Peter was mentioning and Patty a little bit as well, as then you can start catering you know, the people that you're you're interested in. Um, you just have more more presence of mind, I guess, which is a good thing. All right. So as a child, my favorite holiday, needless to say, was Christmas. Every morning you wake up, you run down to the tree. You don't know what you got, it's

all wrapped up. You start opening things and you start freaking out whenever you see something that you wanted. Basically what this fab fit fun box. Every single time they send you a new box, it's like Christmas morning. You open it up. You don't know necessarily know what's gonna be in there, but you know it's gonna be great. You know it's gonna be catered directly to the season, to your needs, exactly what you're looking for. You know.

You open it up, you start going through things, there's big things, there's little things that kind of hide in there, so you think you're done, but then there's like three more things in there and just keeps going. It's a gift that keeps on giving. And to be perfectly honest with you, I opened it up when I first walked in and I've been wearing the scarf this entire time, and it is the comfiest thing I think I've ever had around my neck. Um. So what fabfit Fund is.

It's a subscription box that every three months, every season, they will send a personalized box to your house with a whole bunch of goodies in it. And I'm pulling some out right now. I gotta meet me at the bar Tope bag and I think it's referencing pure bar Um. What else? We got a belt? I see these gael packs that I'm pulling out of the fab Fit Fund box.

I've actually seen Ashley use these. We've been to Taho a few times together, and every morning in the kitchen she is wearing these gel packs and I think that they'd make a drastic difference. She swears by them. I don't think, um, she could step out of the house without wearing them. In the morning and this box alone costs, but if you use my code Dean d e a n at fab fit fun dot com, you'll get ten dollars off your very first box, which means it goes

from and again. This scarf is nine dollars and it is the softest thing I've ever felt in my entire life. Fab fit fun dot com. Use my codean at checkout and you'll save yourself ten dollars on your very first box. Next up we have Charles Orlando, who is the host of seven Years Switch. Charles, are you there? I am here? How are you? I'm doing well? How are you? I'm doing well? Awesome? Well, thank you so much for taking the time to jump on. Um. Do you mind maybe

just introducing yourself a little bit to the listeners? Tell us a little bit more about you. Sure. My name is Charles Finger Orlando. I am a relationship expert. I've written five books on inter personal relations and relationship dynamics uh, and I am the co host of seven years Switch, helping people rEFInd themselves after some turbulent times in their relationships. Got to and so in addition to that, I think that you coined the term seven year itch as well. Right.

Oh no, no, that's that goes back to a Maryland and Roe movie. Um so yeah, seven the seven year itches is a is a common time frame for people to start re evaluating what they're doing. The meaning that the honeymoon period has largely worn off and the person you met seven years earlier may or may not be the same version of them in front of you today. So you end up having to re evaluate, and that's where I think a lot of people get lost. Like

relationships are a constant re evaluation and a reconnection. The only way that it really works because the person you meet on date number one is not the person who they're going to be on month six, and that's not who they're going to be after year ten. So you have to constantly stay in touch and can act otherwise by default you are disconnecting. Got you? So, so maybe

marriage married couples aside. Do you think that there would be something like the seven months it's like more casually dating. Do you think that kind of is a thing as well? Or is that something completely different? No? I think that's probably accurate. Uh. You know, we live in a world where technology is driving a combination of perceived connection and

what I call arms length intimacy. People read a profile, or they stalk you on Instagram, or they see your post fund snatchat and they end up with a version of you in their head even before the first date. So the person they end up meeting has to line up with all these preconceived expectations, and the truth is that we don't know them at all. There is a natural get to know you process that has to do

with primal courtship, having nothing to do with technology. Uh. And to your point, after seven months, like things have kind of revealed themselves to be what they are. So when that happens, you're now see the person instead of the perception or the expectation that you projected. So sure, I think that happens in dating. Gotcha? Gotcha right? And again we're on with Charles Orlando, who's the host of seven Years Switch, which correct me if I'm wrong. Is

a show again? I know you talked about already about four married couples that try to save their marriages by entering essentially into a social experiment where all the four couple switch spouses live with another participants spouse for a couple of weeks as husband and wife, and the idea seems crazy to me, But at the same time, I can kind of understand the concept of leaving something that you care about two I guess ultimately realize how important they are to you in in your life. Does that

sound about right? Well, that's part of it for sure. And the other part of it is that when you're in damaging patterns, there's no way to stop the pattern if you're in the pattern, So we would move these people from it. Now, this is where people say, oh my god, you're grouping them up with another person. They're going to cheat. Well they could, but you know what, they could cheat just by walking down the streets. We

all have that temptation. And if you're willing to cheat on your spouse over a two week experiment to gain perspective, like you're already long checked out of your marriage, And that's part of what we bring to the table as well. We put their relationship on fast forward, uh and an accelerated path to learn what would probably likely happen over the next six to twelve months. Anyway. Uh So yeah, I mean it's it's a little extreme, but it works. It absolutely works. So all that said, why do you

think we see so many unhappy married people. Now, I mean again, I know you said you get stuck in these patterns and you don't begin to realize it. But what do you think is kind of like the root cause for those I think a lot of people don't know how to be honest with each other and themselves. It's a it's a very vulnerable place to be to look at somebody and say, you know, I'm not getting what I need from you. Can you help me? And the other person here that statement and not say what

are you saying that I'm not doing something right? Of course that's what you're saying. Like that sets up an adversarial relationship. If you could check in with your spouse and say, look, I need more from you, and have that person say, wow, you know I really care about you, like I don't want you to get nothing for me. What's missing? Let's talk about that and not have it instantly equated to their ego or what they're doing wrong

or feel accused of something that they're failing at. Then you create a dialogue where people are actually trying to address each other's needs instead of looking at it, Oh yeah, there, I am screwing it. Up for you again. Like, you know, how how do you notice social media coming into things nowadays, especially with married couples, because that definitely changes the dynamic incredibly right. Well, communication as a whole has fundamentally shifted.

You know, before you you find somebody who called you on the phone and said, you know, thanks for giving me your number, I'd love to ask you out. Now you get a text message that says, hey, you're cute,

I want to bang. It's not really courtship, okay, Like I don't, I don't know who wrote that nonsense, but like and they say chivalry is dead say that, well you know so, I mean, it creates this this tall sense of bravery and bravado, like you can you can you would say things over social media, over text message that you would never say to somebody in person, or if you do say it to them in person, like you know, you're a douche BacT or you're a jerk,

like you know, whoever, male or female, you need to be fired. But you know, it creates a sense of technology as a whole, not just social media, but it creates a sense um this connection even though we think we are being connected and there's long long written studies about about this over the past ten years, that we're further apart than we ever have been as a society and in the dating world, it's absolutely true. Like we it used to be that you would you put effort in.

Now all I have to do is swipe right to show my interest. Seriously, No, no, absolutely so. I think that's definitely a good point too. I mean, why I feel like we know so much about each other and yet we're all still so disconnected to one another, right So, Um, sending a text message on a screen is so much more impersonal than than either calling someone up or meeting them face to face, because, like you said, I don't think anyone would say some of these ridiculous things face

to face that they would be saying over text. No, no way, no way, it doesn't. It doesn't happen that way. Um. And it because it's so disconnected. It sets up what has no choice but to be a predatory or hot or not environment. Uh. It gives people the ability to kind of shop around for a while, create false expectations, uh,

and then disappear on people. That's why ghosting and breadcrumbing have become these huge issues where you just kind of play the field technologically, and then you find somebody who addresses a few of your needs and just drop everybody else without even so much as a goodbybe it was nice to meet you. So, Charles, do you find yourself dealing mostly with like, married couples that have been in long term relationships? Do you find yourself dealing with any um,

you know, struggling perspective couples, anything like that. My client base is really really the diverse. So I've worked with mary couples. I worked with married uh men by themselves, married women by themselves, uh, lots of daters, people who are trying to rEFInd themselves after a broken relationship. I've even flown out to a number of cities and acted as kind of a makeshift hitch as a wingman on dates many times. So I it kind of covers the

whole spectrum of love and relationships. So you can kind of consider yourself the real life date doctor in a lot of ways. I wouldn't. I wouldn't say that The New York Times said I was Carrie Bradshaw on the pitch. I don't know if I could that. Those are two pretty big shoes to spell Okay, I guess. I mean you said you've been published five times some bestsellers. You obviously are hosting these TV shows. That's all amazing stuff.

Well it's been a lot of fun, but I tell you what, it all pales in comparison to the people that I helped every day. And I know it sounds tripe, but I don't care. Like people get into this industry for a variety of reasons. Some people want to be this, some people want to make money. Some people want to feel that their egos pain stroked on a daily basis.

I don't care about any of that. Like, I get letters in that just blow me away with people who have taken words that I've said and applied them to their life and they've made real shift and changes for themselves. And forgive me if that's all I really care about. I mean, you know, the books and the TV it's fantastic. I'm blessed and honored, but it just really gives me a broader platform to help people get out of their

own way. That's perfect, Charles. I think it's safe to say that you're definitely in it for the right reasons, and that's that's rare nowadays. Well, I appreciate that absolutely well, Charles, thank you again for you taking the time to call in. I definitely appreciate the advice. I'm sure the listeners will appreciate all the advice as well. And um, best of luck to you and maybe we can can recap later on in the year as well. Oh for sure, my pleasure.

Thanks for having me, and I'd like to thank you sir. All Right, Charles Orlando, host of seven year Switch, Take care have a good day. So unfortunately this week we won't be able to do a segment of do you Suck at Dating? But we will be taking some emails and I tweeted out an email address I suck at Dating at ihart media dot com and we we got a bunch And I appreciate you guys taking the time too and the bravery honestly to email some of your dating uh follies and allowing me to share them um

on air here. So Sarah says, my biggest dating problem is that I can never get guys that I'm interested in to want to be in a committed relationship with me. After a few great dates, I always get hit with the line I think you're amazing, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I don't know if it's just a generational thing as and everyone wants to keep things casual or something that I'm doing or not doing. What makes you decide that you want to be exclusive

with the girl? Is it something you know as soon as you meet someone, or can it change over time once you get to know her. Thank you for your input. So that's actually a good question. And I've I think that that kind of boils down to labels, right, and I've always kind of been a slave of two labels. I think I I need to have a conversation with someone in order to be their boyfriend, right, So I need to be able to sit down and say, hey,

let's let's be boyfriend girlfriend. Otherwise up until that point, we're kind of just dating, right. And I was thinking

about this the other day too. It is even looking back to to Rachel season of The Bachelorette, like her and I never had a discussion about that, and like, as as real as all of the emotions and feelings that I had for her were, I still don't think I would consider her my girlfriend at any point because we never sat down and had that discussion, right, so maybe maybe what Sarah saying is she needs to find someone that wants to label a relationship with her as

a girlfriend boyfriend. If that's what she's looking for, maybe that comes with need to be pursuing older men. Sounds like she's probably dealing with a lot of younger men. The girl that I had this experience with, she she was a pursuer, I guess you could say. So. She was very happily taking into her her hands to make sure that we were doing things constantly together. And I think that eventually I was like, Wow, this girl is great,

Like I really enjoy spending time with her. Um, this is definitely a relationship that I want to be exclusive in and and have her be my girlfriend. Yeah. I mean, I think it just boils back down to even you look back at her. Our guests Charles Peter um Patty. They also communication is one the most important things, and um, that goes to to every level of the relationship, whether it's just starting out or it's been you know, a

fourty year marriage. I think that they're being open and being clear about what you want and what you need and what you're looking for is is very important. Right. Well, Sarah thank you for emailing. I look forward to I mean, hopefully Sarah, you take the five love Languages tests and we can get another email from you next week and see exactly what you're looking for. All right, Well that was episode two of Help I Suck At Dating. I want to give one more big thank you to my guests.

Peter Krauss, who was on my season in The Bachelort Great Guy, Love him to Death, Patti Stanger, host of The Million Dollar Matchmaker, Charles Orlando from seven Years Switch on the f y I Network, and of course Sarah for emailing. And that was that was great. Um. So next week we're gonna get uncomfortable again and we're going to talk to one of my exes, my high school sweetheart, Carmel,

who was the first love of my life. I think that I'm honest enough with myself to admit that I'm hoping to get her on I honestly haven't reached out to her quite yet, but I hope I still have her phone number. Um, but I'm excited. I hope that she can, you know, maybe give you guys a little bit more insight into what it was like to date

me in high school. I don't know if she watches the show, but maybe she should give She could give her opinion on on kind of how I handle myself on on Bachelor in Paradise and what I can do to improve. I do know that she's married now, or she might have just a very long term boyfriend. Either way, she's been in a relationship for five or six years, which is great. I'm very very happy for her, UM hoping to have her on. I am also very hopeful

that we can get Brian on. Brian ABIs solo who was the winner of the same season that I was on with Bachette with Rachel, So Rachel's fiance Brian, UM, it would be great to have him on. He and Rachel seemed to be very very happy together, and I think that any advice that he would have to offer would be great, and I think that I could benefit greatly from that. So I'm looking forward. I hope you guys tune in next week to help I suck at dating. My name is Dean Angler, and maybe next week I

will suck a little bit less. Follow help I suck a dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen. To podcasts,