#17 Pal-entine's Day

It tends to get complacent after the over the years. You don't schedule as money date nights as you should. Valentine's Day, you have to schedule something. So that's why I like it so and early in a relationship you learn a lot about the guy depending on what he does.

Don't you think that it's kind of silly though, that we need one day every year to be like listen, listen, guys, you gotta get your together and set up a nice date for your your girlfriend, your wife with ever to I get that, but I'm not as anti Valentine's Day as some people are. You anti Valentine's I'm anti Valentine's Day for the fact of I mean, I think that

you should be doing nice yesterdays occasionally. Understand it. We're obviously been married twenty years, so I can understand it's nice to like have an event, to be like, all right, we're gonna go out and have a nice dinner and do all this. Um, I just hate like the crowds. I hate like the cliche of it all. Um, you know, going to dinner, waiting fixed menus, I hate prefixed I mean they're great, but it's like you could do that any other day of the week for you know, af

fractional costs, and I think it's on a Wednesday. So you'll either go out the weekend before the weekend after right, No, you have to go out on Valentine's I don't think we will, really, I don't think so. So you're gonna go out on a Saturday night and be like, listen to Amy, this is your Valentine's Day date. I'm not gonna put it that way. We will decide together when

because Wednesday night, Brooklyn's got gymnastics alleys got tracked. There's just too much going on on a Wednesday evening with work the next day. Just not going to happen. We're in a similar problem because my wife works at a church and Wednesday Valentine's da is ash Wednesday. It's a big, big day, so she's going to have the ashes on her forehead, she's gonna have to work really late. But we're still going out. So because Black Panther opens the

next weekend, I'm booked. IM spoking for um and Eric. What about you? I have a huge Valentine's Day plans, don't kid Well, I do. It's dinner and drinks with my single girlfriends. Yeah, which is cool and I'm fine with that. But I'm not a big like Valentine's person in general, Like, never even in relationships, done a big Valentine's Day. How come there's no like Malan Melanine's Day. I call it Pine Palentine. That kind of sounds like

we're Palestinians Palentine. Um, I don't know. I just think that I think it's great that you guys are going out on different nights. Then for Eastern Eastern's going out on ash Wednesday maybe more interesting. But maybe it may be the kids that prevent the weekday. Why don't they have my kids? Yeah? Um, they're Ali's eleven in Brooklyn's eight, and they're us kind of. Allie's noticing boys. She has a crush. Yeah, do you remember the first one of the first claus we had was Zoe, my middle school

girlfriend and my first girlfriend. You remember the reason that she broke up with me? No, it's because I didn't plan a Valentine's Day date when we were ten years old. Wow, we're eleven years old. So I'm just saying, this is the age where that stuff starts to like, well, I have a story about Alie. A boy, a seventh grade boy, approached her. She's in sixth grade. There was a dance, and they have the sixth grade dance separate from the seventh and eighth grade dance. I'm guessing this a lot more.

You know, booty shaking seven grade dance and the sixth grades have their own thing. So he went up to her and said, are you going to the dance? And she looked at him, like, why are you talking to me? And she said yeah, and he said, oh, are you in sixth grade? Yeah, okay, I was gonna ask you to come to our dance. And then he said to her maybe we could hang out sometime oh my god. And Ellie yelled no, thank you and ramped. She's not there yet, she's not ready for that conversation. And she's

in sixth grade. Ye and he was in seventh grade. Interesting. I was very proud of her for that get it go, get away from those voice. I like it. I don't even know. I don't even know how to eleven year old is getting like more date requests than most four year olds I know, including myself, Like, oh my god, this is so good. So they have a Valentine's Day dance. No, this wasn't Valentine's this was for something else. This is just an independent They do him throughout the year in

the afternoons, like it's like they have early day. They get out like one thirty and then they have dances until the regular time school would be out. And she she shows me video, she takes videos on her phone. It's a rager, like there's lights and there's all kind of loud music and she's having a blast. They put like black over the windows. It's like nighttime. We had this in my middle school, but it is nighttime. Were nighttime,

three pm. It gets too racy at nighttime these days. Um, well, so what do you guys really like to do for Valentine's Day? Then? You know, for us, it's really we we we made a rule a few years ago, no more cards for any for any occasion. No more cards. They are a waste of money and you look at them, Oh that's nice, and you throw it in the garbage. And now they're like, they're like seven eight bucks cards and you feel bad throwing them in the garbage too. Yeah,

so we no more cards. We're not doing that anymore. So there's no real expectation. Her birthday was a few weeks ago. Great, we don't do gifts really. We just kind of spend some time together and that's it. It's pretty low key at this point. Do you think that's a practice that we could all take in early on or is that something that you kind of get to after to this because there was pressure early on. Yeah, and I'm still surprised with flowers and stuff. A couple

of years ago. She teaches group exercise on Saturday mornings. So I dressed the girls up in little red dresses and they each had a bouquet of flowers, and they walked into her group exercise class right before it started. And gave him that that was pretty good. That I got a lot of points for that one life. So I still tried to do a nice surprise every so often, but generally speaking, it's it's it's pretty quiet these years until the next big surprise. Come on something else. We'll

take us through. You were looking through your Instagram, So where were you Valentine's Day? I wanted to go through my I guess chronicled pictures to the past four or five years. UM, February seventeen. It was like the month before I left for Bacherette filming, so I literally just sat at home. We were not allowed to be pursuing anyone,

not even that. I don't even think I was in the process at that point, but I was like more single than ever, so I like literally ordered Indian food with my roommates, and like we watched movies or something that pines but not romantic movies. I assume we watched like, I don't know, like X Men or something like that. Um. And then the year before that, I think, um, I

was I was dating someone. I can't remember exactly what we did, though, I was looking back because I was right around the Super Bowl time, and um, I remember watching the Super Bowl with the girl that I was dating, So I was like, I'm sure we had to do I've done something, but obviously recalled exactly what it was. It probably just like a dinner date and something like that.

You were in a relationship two years ago on Valentine's yea, and I'm sure we went to dinner And the fact that I am unable to remember exactly what we did, it's just it's a sign that I think dinners are too cliche for Valentine's Day dates. Do we know about this woman? Uh, we haven't spoken much of her. We have talked to her. How long were you together? Put?

And why did it end? Ah, it was just it was like messed from the start, and then we like kind of evened out in the middle and like things were going well and then near the end of this what does that mean? A mess from the start? Um, she worked at a company that I worked at formerly before moving here, and so we had like some mutual friends and she and one of my other good friends

had something before her and I got together. So yeah, so it was like kind of one of those things where we have these callers calling and they're like, I like this girl, but my guy my like my friend used to date her kind of thing. Um, it was kind of one of those situations. So it's kind of like a rocky start. How how friendly were you with that guy best friend? Oh, and I made the horrible, horrible mistake of um pursuing her without telling him and

without asking for permission. Not permission obviously, but like you know, um, not giving the courtesy heads up right, and in hindsight, I always say, I see really regret it. We lived together with best friends, moved I moved out here from together at the time with him. Yeah, um, I can't remember exactly how unfolded with like everything kind of like becoming to coming to the surface. But he was like, he's like, honestly, like it was like a very short

fling that they had. They weren't like in a serious relationship or anything that. But he's like, honestly, if you just came to me and told me or like asked me or whatever, everything wouldn't perfectly fine. And it was perfectly fine. It was just like a little bit of like they weren't together at the time, but they had been together. No, no no, no, they weren't together at the time they had hooked up, maybe like a few months

prior hooked up. It wasn't much. They were never like never never boyfriend girlfriends, but they had a history together. It's interesting because we were just talking about this in the Scrubbing In podcast this week with Becca in Twania, available for download now. Um about how Tanya is able to kind of if if she knows a guy who has done anything with any of her friends, he is like like switched off in her mind, Like she wouldn't

even consider him as a possibility. That is just off limits, friend, brother, whatever, he goes mat category. Maybe guys don't have that. I think Tanya has a fault there because I think you have to be open to like some people like if it was a fling, you should have told him, yeah, for sure. But I also think like that could have been okay, Yes, it might be weird at first, but what if that's your person? And in these situations, people always say that like the heart wants what it wants.

It's like, what if that's my person? Well, that's just like that's one of those things too, where she was like in our friend group and like we would hang out, you know, every a couple of Beegins a month, like altogether. Um And I always like a certain level of like admiration for like, always thought she was a great personal

kind of stuff. Obviously I wasn't gonna make any moves at the time, but um And there was like this one night where we made out or something like that, and they're like, all right, well, let's like hang out a few more times and see what it leads to. So it's kind of one of those things where like we didn't really know how to define it. And then because we didn't really know what we were I didn't want to go to my friend and be like, hey,

I don't know what's going on. But then obviously hinds it's like easier to say I should have done it, but I could have. I don't know, like how to define our relationships. I didn't really know what to go to him with what information, you know, Yeah, but you could just tell him, Hey, I'm interested in so and so would you mind if I pursue this? Absolutely, and

I wish I did. And I mean I mean obviously like there was no love lost between me my friend or meither or the girl that I kind of continued to continue to date but it's just it made very very rocky a couple of days. I guess is part of that early the early days, there is part of it the excitement of sneaking around, because that does add an element of excitement to the relationship. I don't want I don't know if we're necessarily we weren't like hiding

it intentionally or anything like that. But it's it's funny now because like even I don't know how long we want to talk about this topic for but um, in our friend group, this girl who dated one of my good friends for like a year or two, so they lived together. They're like a very serious relationship. She's now um dating another one of our good friends in the group, and I think that the her x doesn't know about their currently even though everyone else in the friend group does.

But it's like I feel like it's not like anyone else's place to like go to the guy and be like, hey, listen, this girl is dating uh this other guy. Bro code that you let him know what's going on, or is it you're loyal to the other bro. I mean, he's fully moved on from the relationship, but it's still like stings a little bit to like see that. Um, I just think that it's not necessarily I think a lot of us think that's not necessarily our place to start

that drama. And like if and when they're ready to talk about it, and I'll talk about it. Two years later, it's been almost exactly two years. You were with her two years ago. But where what do you where do you stand with her? Is there any any friendship any anything? There? Um, there there's a friendship. We all try to have a good friendship, or at least I made an effort to like, like, hey, I want to be friends with you. I mean, obviously

we like dated because I thought you were a great person. Um, but I think that it's just it's becoming increasibly increasingly harder to keep a friendship with like a former girlfriend, you know. Um, so we don't really have much of a friendship anymore, which kind of stings a little bit.

But um, I think she's doing really well. So and what with the guy, the guy her, the guy that she hooked up with, it you were best friends and roommates with real Wow, you guys survived that, of course was he was a little ticked off at first, but not too bad. He was like he had moved on and had started dating someone. So it's not like they like he wasn't like like, I don't know he we were still best friends. Everything's fine there, everything's fine still

to this day. Good. That's nice to hear. I got the threat up box that you gave us last week. Fantastic. My my wife and my daughter really appreciated because the denim jacket fit my daughter better than fit my wife. And so there she goes, she's got a new denim jack and for these Ontine's days. He's about to go on, Yeah, well you're getting ahead of yourself. But but but they're great. They don't seem like, you know, I don't know what kind of a stigma people put on used clothing or

thrift store clothing. It didn't seem like that at all. There was no feeling of this is pre owned. It was a feeling of, wow, what a great denim jacket this is, and my daughter loves it, so thank you for that. You're welcome and Easton. Easton's wife sent a cute little thank you know, Yeah, she's very appreciative of the jacket. It looked brand new, I mean, like this

had the tags on it. Still she got a Theory denim jacket and uh, I don't know if that's a nice brand or not, but it was very exciting for her to get. Fits are great, is really nice? Yeah, yeah, I see whenever I see a girl wearing a Theory jacket, it's just I don't know, I like it. It looks for those guys who are listening and for those girls that are looking to treat themselves for whether it's Gallentine's Day,

Valentine's Day, whatever it is. Um, I mean you heard Easton and Mark talked about how much their wives loved it, and in Mark's case, I guess his wife and his daughter. UM, be sure to check out threat up dot com. It's the world's largest online thrift store with brands you'll love from up to off retail price. Like I said, Easton's wife got hers and she said it was Brandy with the tax still on it. That's pretty common with thread Up.

You'll get a lot of a lot of designer clothes basically you know, never worn, if they've been worn only once or twice. In Mark's case, I got them to two items for his wife. One of them didn't fit her quite as well. Fortunate in his situation, she was able to just pass it down to the daughter. But in an event where you get something that doesn't fit, you do have free returns and make it super easy,

super convenient for you to do. So, say you get something a little bit too smaller than you expected it to be, people for just send it right back and they'll make it as easy as possible for you. So be sure to show your weal who's boss and don't wait another minute. Um, so go to throw up dot com slash Dean for an extra thirty percent off your very first order. Uh. And I know I said this at the top of this, but you guys need to remember that you're getting offer up to off retail price

through threat up dot com. Um, you're going basically on to these online thrift stores. You're gonna be gritting great deals, getting great brands, and on top of all that, you can get thirty percent off. So go to th h R E d up dot com slash dean for an extra thirty percent off today and be sure to make well there it's Valentine's Day or Galantine's Day as fashionable as possible. Before we get Genie on the phone, Genieus

from e Harmony answers dating questions. I have an idea for the name of this podcast, and I really thought about this and I really like it because it's very succinct. It says everything you need to say. In my opinion, ready for this, because I I haven't liked a lot of the suggestions we've gotten. It's very simple. The new podcast name would be Dating Dean Unglert. Dating Dean Dating Dean Unglert like being John malkovis kind of but but he doesn't like it, and I can tell but let

me just tell you. Let me tell you why. Because it's about dating. It's it's you dating, whether you're in a relationship or not in a relationship. It works either way. It's simple, it's three words. It encompasses what we're talking about. And you're gonna you know, this is the part that will make you a little bit uncomfortable. But I think

of you as a very eligible bachelor. To the people listening, they probably think you're an attractive young man and they might want to be dating Dean Unglert, And that's why it's an appealing title as well. Let me ask you this, Let's flip it let's flip it around real quickly. Say Amy comes to you one day and says, here, Mark, I have this idea for myself. I want to come out with the TV show. Just bear with me. It's

gonna be dating Amy. I'm gonna talk about my life, all the dating ins and outs that I go through on a daily basis, weekly basis, etcetera, etcetera. Um, how do you feel about that? You're worried about how this would come off to potential partners of yours or even hypothetically if you were in a relationship. Now, yes, you think it's weird, Yes, all right, what do you think? Well, how would you feel about Amy doing We're married. It's a different situation. So I think it's I don't know.

I okay. Do you want to bounce it off somebody in your life and see if they like it? No, I don't like you don't like it? It's okay, I'll bounce it off, all right. I don't know. I don't know. I appreciate. I appreciate the fact that we are brainstorming new ideas. What about help dating? It can sucks? See, all of that is too negative. I don't like sucking. There it's too negative. It's too I don't know, it's

too cynical. Yeah, I guess because they have one listener emails say that, and so now we're kind of stuck on that. Yeah. But also I like it. I like it short too, I don't like help. I suck a dating as too many words? What's another? Okay, well let's jump over to Genie. So Genie is from e Harmony.

We we've talked quite a bit about online dating, all those types of apps that people use, but we haven't really talked much about e Harmony or the or the those types of I guess avenues of meeting new people. So Janie, are you there? I am here, How are you? I'm doing well? Thank you so much for calling in. Chief of Advice. Chief that's the title, chief, Chief of Advice and VP of contented the Harmony. That's impressive. I

don't know how this happened, you guys. Um awesome. Well, so Jennie, tell us a little more about that then, Chief of Advice. Probably you're the only person in the entire world with that title. What does that meaning? I think VP of Content might be view. Um, so I managed the harmonade vice site which is a site, a content site, which is full of articles and blogs by different experts. So that's where that comes from. Um. I also work in the marketing department, and I've been here

for nine years. I've kind of been there, done that, seen at all. It's always interesting, awesome. Well, so tell us a little bit more about the harmony. I mean, obviously we know mostly what it is, but a lot more people at least, Um, I don't I don't necessarily want to say this, but I feel like more people in my age are more familiar with like the dating apps like a bumble. Yeah, that's that's swiping all that

kind of stuff. Yeah, of course. Um, you know, I always say that everybody will go onto those sites and then we don't. We don't find a great match. They come to harmade So um, we have apps as well, but we aren't swiping. So what you do when you go to harmonies You're gonna answer a bunch of questions. I think we've got about a hundred questions in our

relationship questionnaire. So why we do that? As we're getting to know who you are and as you know deep level, what your values are, are, what who you are as a person, and then after you goe for that process, we start delivering matches to you people who we feel like you'd be really compatible with. But that's really the primary difference is that we match based on compatibility and research that we've done for what seventeen years here on

what makes the happy couple. And I mean you guys have been around, you said, for seventeen years, which means you're a something, right, Yeah, I think so. I think there's something too that I have to say that when I I mean a lot of the couples, like the have success couples when we do our commercials and whatnot, and they are always they always seem to be very compatible and happy and like we get it so easy with each other and we just get each other. So

it makes me go, wow, we are doing something right. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm sure that makes all of it worth it too. So that's why I'm here. Honestly, I used to work in entertainment and it was just very's rapid and you know, superficial. And here it's like I'm actually doing something that you know is positive. But I love that. I think that a lot of people and christ me if I'm wrong, please at any moment when

I'm talking to some wrong a lot um. I think a lot of people that use actually just had air coincident and she made this comment. I think it really struck a chord. She she said, a lot of people that use dating apps are more looking to I don't know, hook up and maybe date, and then the people that are going to jump on something like the Harmony are more ready for marriage that type of stuff. Yeah, I don't think that's I don't think that's false. I mean I think it's like, you know, it is about what

you're looking for. You just want to have a date Thursday night and just have fun and aren't looking for

anything serious, and that's fine that they serve their purpose absolutely. Um, if you want, you know, a happy relationship or maybe something just more substantial and meaningful, then that's we are the place for that, right And that's a great way to put it too, because I feel like if you're looking to fill a Thursday night or Friday night on your calendar, you're not really the Harmy is maybe not the spot for you because it's kind of more for

like lifelong relationships that type of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I think most people are really intentional and they take all this time to take the relationship questionnaire, and so they're there for a reason, which is to find you a good partner for them and a good fit. Can I ask you what you're what the average ages of like of a um? Yeah, I think number one Demo FOURT is like the second most popular group, very nice, so they just you know, fairly young still and I think

a lot go ahead. And I was gonna say, I think a lot of the mindsets kind of apply to both to both dating apps in and the harmony and maybe there's like a healthy blend of the two, um, because it, I mean just dating in general is a difficult thing nowadays, especially so maybe once you once you do it more intentionally like you're talking about with the harmony, and once you kind of sit down figure out exactly who you are and what you want, um, it kind

of makes moving forward. I think it's it's super important to know that you know you want a relationship, Like what am I looking for? What do I am? Ask yourself? What do I have to offer? Like what do I bring to the table. I think a lot of people are like what can what does this person have? But I think it's good to look at yourself to what do you what do you have to bring the table? So with it being February, what do you guys have

planned for Valentine's Day? From like the harmony side of things. Well, we are releasing a study this Thursday, and UM it's called the Happiness Index. Um. What we did is we wanted to take part of the temperature of the pulse of relationships in America and find out how happy are couples, How are they doing, what are they fighting about? What are the happiest couples? Um? What makes them so happy? And the same with the unhappy couple. So that's really

interesting that's coming out Thursday. Lots of interesting finding. Does this happyest Happiness Index? Uh? Embody just harmony users? Or is it every couple that you guys kind of Yeah, we had we surveyed. Harris did a survey for us Harrison are active and it's anybody in a long sim relationship, UM, married or just you know, anyone they don't have to be married. And what do you guys have to do

with that type of information. We are putting a press the WETE out on Thursday, and we're doing a bunch of interviews. So there's just a bunch of cool findings from the study. So the CEO of the companies in New York this week talking about it. I'm talking about it to people like you, and so we're just sharing the information. So how does it work on any harmony? So you said that you fill out the questionnaire and you send matches and what happens at that point? Can

either person reach out? Yes? Yeah, so we aren't like bumble you have to wait for the woman and then they chat within the app or on the site. Yeah. So we have like a Slack style communication where you can just you can reach out men or women can reach out. I'm always accuraging that women to reach out more because the guys love that, right, I think. So yeah, it's like you know, steps up, ladies come on reach out. Um, and actually our success couples sixty six percent. I think

the ways to initiate communications see it works. But um yeah, so when your match with someone, either you can send a smile or just start communication. Well you can also send them questions. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Erica sends gifts. She sends the sub sub seal. Yeah, what do you send? It's a little seal snuggling in the snow, and it says up it sounds so much, and it goes, yeah, thank you. Yeah, I think that's cute. I think that's

very crue Erica. What did you want to? Um? Okay, So the whole issue, and it's a lot of people my age like the getting from the conversation online to actually getting to a date in person. How do you make that happen? I think sometimes you have to be direct. I mean I've even experienced it myself where it's like, hey,

what's up. In a few days later, hey what's up? Like, you know, if the other party is not making it happen, and I think, you know, I love chatting with you, but I would love to actually, you know, meet you in person and have a drink. You have to start of take it there sooner than later, or a lot of times you're going to kind of run out of them and one person is going to lose interest. So I think after you after a few text conversations, it's either important to move to the phone or try to

meet in person. Sometimes you gotta yeah, you gotta do it. That's kind of my thing with it. When I was using these types of platforms to meet people. Was I almost kind of wanted to string it out as long as I possibly could because because it was like it's

kind of like a vetting process. It was like, if I'm able to have a nonsensical conversation with this person for a week, then I'm I'm more excited to meet up with them because than I know that we're gonna be having much more free flown conversation instead of five messages down than asking to get drinks, just because of the way that I look at the way that they look, you know, that type of thing. So there's definitely like there's like a heavy balance I think in the middle.

So absolutely, like yeah, exactly having a conversation or sort of betting the person and getting to them a little bit via, you know, whether it's text or whatever you want to do. Absolutely, but I think moving it to

the next level sooner than later is great. I know people who have chatted online four months and they don't meet, and they think and they think they're in a relationship, and I'm like, you're not in a relationship unless you've actually met the person you know, fo months And this is kind of off topic, and maybe we can, well, I'll talk about it now, just it's like five seconds. So I was in college. When I went to college, I took a spring term class. It was like a

week long class. You got a class every day for like six hours a day, but it was a full three credit loads. I remember I met this girl in class. We were sitting next to each other. She's like, yeah, I gotta go meet my husband. Later. I was like, oh, that's so great, Like, how did you meet your husband? She's like, oh, I met him playing World of Warcraft. We played World of Warcrafts together for six months and then we find the decided that we want to meet

in person and we got married. It's I know, it's very off topic, but I'm a great shared interest. That is you already know they love video games exactly. It's important to have things in common, as we all know, right, which is which is obviously super important. All right. So besides I guess being more intentional with like trying to meet up with them, do you have any advice on on kind of how to like plan that first date because we're talking about if a first date can fall

on Valentine's Day. Um, there seems to be like mixed reviews on that, But how do you go about navigating those waters? First date on Valentine's Day? I think that, um, yeah, that can be tough you have met the person because it kind of puts pressure on things. So if you're going to do that, I would just go somewhere really

low key. I would not be going to like the prefixed dinner, you know, on Valentine's Day with someone you don't know, So I would, you know, maybe like you have just coffee that morning, or go get breakfast, try to let a little more casual. I would keep it casual. If you're going to have a first date on Valentine's Day, I like that that works. Yeah, I think it's I think I can agree with. And who doesn't like going to breakfast and having pancakes? I mean, come on, that

is kind of fun. Breakfast is fun. That's interesting. Breakfast first date. It's not something you hear about very often. Yeah, but I think that's the best way. Then you get to move on with your day. You can say you have plans after or you don't, or you end up setting the day with them right, or you like, I gotta go to work now. I kind of eleven am. Just go to Jinkies, get some blueberry pancakes. That's kind of more brunch hour. But well, but you're not going

to have an eight for a first date. I mean, it's got to be a brunch. It's like a weening process. I just think, like too much pressure to you know, how nervous would you be, like go to some fancy dinner and I just can't even imagine that, So I would steer away from that for sure. Can you talk a little bit about how I guess the harmonies changed over the years. You said you've been there for nine years, right, so you've said I'm sure you've probably seen it change

quite a bit over the past decade. What are kind of like some notice noticeable changes you've seen In some ways, it's changed. In some ways, it's still the same. Like our mission is the same, which is to put two people together who are would be a great fit. That we were still about compatibility, but we have changed our product a lot um, so you know, you have to do it. You have to change and progress at the times.

Like you know, we can't have the old school email a question and email back, so we have more fract stele communication now we also last year, um, you know, we always kept compatibility like why you're good for someone behind the fold, and we hadn't. We have a new CEO started a little over a year ago. I said, I want everybody to know why you're a good match with this person. So we now show you all the ways you're compatible, whether it's like you know, adaptability or

energy level or passions or whatever. So now you can actually see it's a cool chart that shows you, um, how compatible yours and this thing. It's changes like that that have gone on, you know, like better upload of photos, just you know, keeping up with the current, um, what's what's going on out there currently. But we really are in some ways have stayed the same with our mission that will never change. It's just we really believe, you know, we believe that, um, you know, who you decide to

spend your life. But it's a huge decision, one of the biggest decisions that we're gonna make. We want to help you find someone that's a great for you, I'm saying. The other day, actually we were out for my wife's birthday and I made it a toast and I said that the key, the key to a happy life is to marry the right person and everything falls into place. If you can figure out how to do that. Yeah, either going to have like a super happy life or it can be you know, make you miserable too if

you pick the wrong person. That's it. I'm gonna express that to my daughters if they get older, that you just got. As long as you find the right person, everything is going to be great. But what makes them the right person? Well, I mean, like, well, if you look at our research, it's somebody who you're compatible left, so meaning someone that you're similar to in the important ways, Like it's better to be with someone that's more like you than justlike you those say are really adaptable, easy

going person. Is it going to be easier for you to be someone similar or someone who's really rigid. It's gonna be hard if they're really rigid. So it's just it's it's similarities and the important Well, but like you say, it's the rigidity that would cause the problems even if you're not similar if you're not rigid about it, Like my I don't think my wife and I are that similar, to be honest with you, but but neither one of

us are terribly rigid. We both respect each other's you know, feelings, beliefs, whatever it is. And so we've kind of just merged together into this, this marriage that seems to be going well fifteen years in and that's the key. But but to Dean's questions, how do you know compromise? Yes, how do you know? It's it's such a cliche, but you just know, Like I just knew, and I don't know how to express that, and people like Erica just rolled

dries at me and I get that. It's sweet. It's so sweet, and I hope someday, I just you will know someday, don't. You guys share values though you do share like certain Yeah, we've never really had a lot of disagreements when it comes to raising the kids, so that's important. So you guys are similar in that respect. Yeah, that's cool, that's awesome. Um. I did want to get this email and just because it's it's something that we've kind of hit on. Actually, but I think that you

could weigh in on this. It's from Sarah. She says, since you were talking about dating apps and messaging on dating apps, I was wondering do you think it's okay to ask a guy out. First. I've been messaging this guy for a while and we now have moved into texting, which I mean that's a big move in itself. They say it from the app to your text. We've talked for a while, but he has yet to ask me out. Should I ask him if he wants to get drinks? Love you all, Sarah? Yes, Yes, yes, Sarah do it.

I agree, Erica, I'm kind of in the same situation. I'm waiting to see if I need to just ask someone out. So I'm down with your advice, Jeannie, I'm going to do it. How long has it been three weeks? We've been talking for three weeks? Yeah? Yeah, I mean I'm going to say that. I usually would wait for the girl to ask me out, and I would say that in this instance, you should ask him out. But is it Shorty short guy? Oh my god, he's not

actually short. We don't think, like, just to clarify, no, it's a joke because she thought he was and that was scaring her away. But we've done our homework on him and we don't think he is. But we're still calling. We're still talking to short I think is a whole another subject. But it is really important for him. What's what's on a harmony profile, like physically physical characteristics? Is

there the picture of course, heightway all that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, but there is there is a hype um area to fill out. So it's important enough that we put that there. What other what I'm just curious, Um, what else is on there that makes every like besides the questionnaire all that kind of stuff that allows you guys to fully understand who a person is to ensure that you're matching them, matching them up with someone that's compatible. What else is

there is there? Like religious beliefs? Is there? Um? I don't know what type, like what type of girl they're into like that kind of stuff. I don't know. Yeah. So there's like a really detailed profile that you can fill out, so you can write what's most important to you, what you're passionate about, how people describe you, what you're looking for, Um, do you smoke? Do you drink? That kind of stuff is all. It's a pretty in depth profile. And then you can upload is I think, as many

photos as you want. So I always encourage people more than Tupelo more than less because you know, one picture and an incomplete profile basically means no activity. That's like you gotta put some energy into it to get something out of it. Obviously, you can put as many as you want on there. I think it's like tend a swell. Yeah. Yeah, you can up a lot a lot of photos, which is nice. I mean, you know you want to you're gonna reach out to someone, don't you want to have

some information about them? Yeah? Or what do you suggest for those photos? And there's there's one like main photo you see first? Yeah, there's one main photo. Yeah, that's the key, right that that first photo of the profile picture? Absolutely? Yeah, and you know a good quality picture is nice, not something blurry or you know, I've seen it all. I mean,

don't wear sunglasses in every single photo. Don't have every photo be the same, but like it different, kills her on it, you know, don't like I was born against shirtless photos for the most part. You know, So I don't like a group photos. I think that's a mistake. Yeah, group photos, especially with the guys. A guy surrounded by like five women like what me? Well, yeah, what I mean? But you you see it all the time, so um, you think it would be intuitive, but it really is that.

I think I think are good not with not with five geirls round you. I think that's I think you have to have some, but I think it's good to have. It's going to have a couple of solo pictures so they know what you look like. But it's also good to show that you have friends. But also but also don't come but they'll also compare you to the others and then like one of your friends think is more attractive. Yeah,

I don't know. People do that. Guys do that. Yes, Guys are like, oh she's nice, but I like second from the left a little better. So maybe I can get drinks with this girl and then be introduced to a friend through Oh yeah, you don't want that. I think full body shows are good too, to see out walking or hiking or whatever. Good to somebody can actually

see what you can. I sell your profile picture, Erica, you want, Yes, I'll describe it to Genie and she can tell us if you're doing a good job or not. I'm pretty sure have sunglasses on in it. That's a mistake. I think you have other photo. Yeah, I've my full full things. Question. While she's pulling it up, how do e harmony, employees meet their wives and husband's harmony. That's

a good question. Yeah, you know. I mean in the past, we didn't allow employees to use the service because we were afraid that you know, in certain departments you can get into Thinker out of back end. But now do you have the ability? And I've heard of several people meeting their significant other ony harmonies, so yeah, it does happen. Okay, let's critique Erica's photos. So here's the main one. The main one is her. It looks like she's at a

music festival. I wou guess this is stagecoach okay. And she's in a how do you describe that outfit? Is that a jumper, sleeveless romper shorts okay? Is that ropper automatical? Okay, I'm sorry, sunglasses, smiling hair, and a ponytail purse with fringe. And she's like on top of something because around her are other people, but they're up beneath her, like she's standing on a hay bale or something. Is that like a psychology thing? And I will say, I think this

is great. I was I was gonna Yes, it's a great Erica smyle It expresses her personality. I'm mean, I know her, so I don't know if I would know that if I was going into this blind, but I know that this is Erica's personality to me, summed up perfectly in this photo. Now. Photo number two is with three other women, but I think she chose this right because she compares well to the other three women, so that was smart on her part. She kind of but you kind of glow in this photo where the other three,

don't you pop in this one? The third one is her and another woman that I don't know. And that's a weird one for me. Who's that? But that's Alex? Oh wow, I didn't know that. I've never seen it with her hair back like that before anyway, So I don't know. That's kind of a weird one, Like who's that? Is that your sister? Like? I don't know? That one brings up too many questions. Fourth, and she said another with other friends and they're hugging her and that I

kind of like that she's likable. People like her, although there's sisters, so that's good too, okay, And then she's with another random woman. I don't know. If I don't I don't like the two shots with random, there's another with Alex, don't I guess it is good? I will say maybe a photo of her by herself, maybe at least one son. There's the profile pictures. It's good, right, Yes, I think it works for her um plus one point

for not having a picture with any guys. Yes. But but Jennie question on these Harmony profiles, I imagine there would be a lot more just solo pics. I don't know why. I just imagine, with e Harmony being the service that it is and like leading more like lifelong partners, I think it's more like this is who I am as an individual, instead of like, how many photos do you have of just yourself doing things you're actually doing

in your life and not just selfies? Don't Ever, since I've beencouraged supposed to Instagram post a day, I've got a lot more pictures of myself, which is I don't totally agree. I totally agree that you should have a variety of different photos, not just you selfie in every bathroom in l A or whatever. You know. I mean, you would be shocked. You We've I've talked about good photos like to death, and you'd be shocked at the

pictures that still show up. It's just I don't know, I don't know if people are you know, lazy or weapon And it's really important. It is aspect of your success. So yeah, I have some friends, like if you shop, you at hiking or whatever, but you don't get pictures of yourself that off unless you're a certain type of girl who says right right, right right, and that's not my personality. You almost have to stage your profile picture, which is sure. Yeah, no, I think that's not a

bad idea. Like if you're walking with your dog and you're with your girlfriend, like you just keep pictures me walking the dog, you know. I guess I'll start asking people. I'll see someone's dog. There you go. You can throw mine, Jenny, you've been there nine years and it's evolved. Where do you see dating nine years from now? Oh my gosh, Well, hopefully not like a Black Mirror episode. How could it not be hanging the DJ. That was good though, That

was my favorite one of the season. Yeah, more than Callister, Yes, my favorite by far, not by far, but definitely my favorite. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, I mean, obviously we want people to always have free will, right, but I mean I think that, you know, just um, technology will obviously play a bigger role, and I know we've got research scientists who are constantly working on like right now, they're trying to figure other any other dimensions of compatibility we don't

know about, and working with outside academics. And then I've heard talk of like facial recognition and you can kind of tell who might be a good fit based on facial features. So I wouldn't be surprised, you know, if the more technology will play a part in matching in the future, and it's hard to totally plan for that because we really don't know where technology is going to be nine year. Yeah, yeah, it's really yeah, it's really hard.

But that I would just say more of a refinement at least here on just putting two people together who would be a good fit and looking at your habits and who you tend to click on and who you're talking to, and then saying, Okay, he likes this type of first and so we're going to deliver a lot more of that. So I think more, just more in that area. Nice um, All right, well, thank you so much for calling in. Uh everyone that's listening, of course,

be sure to tune in. I guess we'll not tune in because you guys are releasing the Happiness Index on Thursday. You said, right, yeah, yeah, it'll be everywhere and you can get already Harmony Advice site and it'll be there too. Okay, we'll be on the lookout for that. I'm excited to see that. Thank you. Yeah, of course, thank you so much for calling in and for all the advice and uh, thank you. All right, take care, okay, Yeah, everybody should go watch the Hang the DJ episode of Black Mirror.

Why did it? Why was it your favorite? So it was my favorite, I think because the twist at the end I didn't necessarily see coming. Yeah, don't spoil anything because Black Mirror is still pretty underground. None, okay, so I would. I think that's a good starting point for you, is Hanging the DJ. So if you don't know Black Mirror, it's on Netflix and it's an anthology show meeting. Every episode is a specific story with different characters, different actors.

They're all isolated, so you can watched them in any order. It doesn't matter. Each one's a little movie and Hang the and the only common thread and all of them is they have something to do with modern technology, and a lot of it is predicting future technology and hang the DJ is kind of the future of dating apps. And so that's why that's a good one for listeners

of this show and Erica to start with. And then you can pick and choose as you go, but start with that one, I think, And there were that one I likes a lot too, because there was no there was no like really horrible thing that happened like every other episode, like something bad, like horrible happens. Certainly creepy. A lot of them are very creepy, and this wasn't. This one had like lows, of course, but there was definitely nothing where you're like, a, I don't know like it.

It wasn't like I don't know. It was just cute. Those episodes are horrific, and this one was quite sweet. I thought heard about why it's called black mirror. Do you know this? Yeah, it's like if you hold your phone up and like look at yourself, except mine just like lights up when Yeah, but I can see myself right now. It's not What was the other one you said you likes a lot. I loved uss Callist from this season that's the Star Trek episode. Oh see, I

didn't like that one very much. Okay, I don't know why I think. I mean, I fell asleep and I like that really. I think just because they've overplayed like the computer programs becoming self aware and like all that kind of stuff. Let me give you have you seen a lot of them? Everything? One San Jacinto, which I assume is how you pronounce it, that's probably my favorite. Remind me that one again. Okay. That one's the two women who fall in love and they're in the beach community.

That's what I was. I'm sorry, I'm thinking of actual community in southern California, Santa San Junipero. Thank that one's good because I guess technically r computer programs. Yeah, Mark gave me a viewing order of Black Mirror. I hadn't seen it, really, any of them, and then Mark found I was interested, and he gave me this plan that I've been calling the Molnitsky Initiative is hopping from season to season, and it was a really really effective way

to get introduced to the show. I felt, did you did you start him out at the top and then kind of like, I don't what did I start. You started me with Calcer you guys season, but it feels to Easton. Yes, he's a Side five guys, so that made sense for him. I think for Erica, hang the DJ at the perfect starting point. I have no plans later to san j NIPPERI you'd love and there's lots. I mean we could go from there, but we'll leave

it at that for now. Oh, the entire history of us is that it is or you, the history of you, the entire history of you. That's another season one. Okay, how long are these episodes? Don't know about the one that John Hammon one is good White Christmas. That is a good one. Yes, that's a long one. Um, can we just change this podcast to help I suck at Netflix? And then we go on Netflix Suggestions logging in with there you go. What else do we want to talk about?

I want to go on Man Creates, Yeah, and then I want to read some emails. Let's talk about Man Creates. We talked a little bit about him last week. Um, we're gonna talk a little bit a bit more about them right now because last time we talked about Man Creates, I didn't really have an opportunity to explore their website quite as much as I have to this time. You

have now I did. It's great, it's it's amazing because I kind of thought that they were just like those wooden crates that you had to probably open with the crowbar, because my roommate got one of those, like I said, from his girlfriend. He absolutely loved it. So I was like, that's their that's their thing. That's what they do. They just send you an unopenable crate that you have to like earn your man car to be able to open. You have like some cool things inside, like some like

some tumblers or that kind of stuff. But it's so much more than that, right, it's a cute little thing that they do, but that's not what Man creates. So much more than that, and so much more than just the crate, like they call themselves Man Creates, And I can see why they have. I mean, they've essentially four categories from their websites, Wooden Creates, Ammo Cans, Jerky Grahams, and then Project Kits. And I was going through each

of these. They're all awesome. Um and actually my friend Naz just got a package from them yesterday that like a personalized guitar Wow, which is pretty cool. Um So the wooden crates we talked about a little bit. The am cans are really cool. You can like you can

personalize like glasses all that kind of stuff. But the one that I really really liked, the one that kind of spoke to me the most, was was the project kits because if you click on project Kits, you'll go in there and it's like a knife making kit, a leather belt making kit, homemade brood kit. Uh what else? There was one that I really liked to his knife pipe carving. The pipe up carving was cool. Never I would never need or use a pipe, but I want to know how to make one. What are you going

to do with this stuff? Hot sauce making kit, bacon ology. I know Mark loves that one anyways. It's just the cool things that you can send to someone instead of just having something to put in the cupboard or like on a bookshelf. It's like you're like kind of encouraging them to learn a new skill and like enjoy that learning of the new skill. To Look, you're racking your brain right now trying to figure out what to get a guy for Valentine's Day. This is it Man Creates

dot Com. And this is gonna be a double blaming to say, you're dating this guy and he wears horrible belts and you also wanted to learn something new. Get him the belt making kit. He's gonna make himself a cool belt and he's a better belt and he's gonna wear it more often because he made it himself. Part of a relationship is improving your guy. I mean, let's be honest, I'm such a better person with Amy, and I mean like fashion, everything, fitness, diet, everything is better.

This can play a role. You can steer your guy in the right direction with a man crazy. It's a great point, Dave. If you go to man Crez dot com slash Dean, you'll get five percent off and you you might be saying yourself five percent, but you're getting five percent off of these awesome Creates kits. They're a good deal already. They're a great deal already, and they're like, they're fun, they're exciting to open. It's something that a person.

It's funny. We were talking about early at the top of this podcast, remembering dates and how those cliche dates are kind of boring. This is anything but a cliche gift, and people are gonna remember these gifts that you get them because they're just unique and they're awesome. So again, go to Man Creates dot Com slash Dean and you get five percent off. Offer that discount anywhere else but Man Creates dot Com slash Dean, So go check it out. Um. I again I advised the project kits. I think the

project kits are great. I think that's any guy that you get that for Will would just be loving to habit. Yeah. And if he's got a favorite basketball team, football team, they have these for everything. You can get the NFL bar ware create with with his favorite football team logo on bar glasses. I mean, it's just there's so many. You know, we mentioned that breaking up in the crate. They're really pushing the limits of product delivery because you can get a main Create gift card and that comes

in cased in a brick. They give you a pair of safety goggles too, so safety is a safety first. But yeah, you crack open the brick, you get your gift card, and then you're on your way to man Create Heaven. That's pretty fun. Never made this a smart so smart Yeah, Man Creates dot com slash Dean five percent off. Here's an email from Val and I feel for Vale Vale and I are kindred spirits Val and I. First, she says, I love the podcast to listen to it every week while I am at work. I definitely agree

with Dean of the name needs to change. She has her own suggestion, Dean, with your strong opinions, how about dating dudes? And don't with Dean Anglert got the right amount of personification. I like it. I like it. Plus, that's what I meant to say. Not I'm emailing you all because I really do suck at dating. Well, keep coming back to that, don't. We spent two years since my last serious relationship, and I'm ready to meet someone new. The problem is I haven't had the best luck with

men like Mark. I've been going at three time in a row. Now. That is rare. It is because I my fourth was Yeah, you're right. I think that's an incredible good my ghost, ghost ghost. And then the next one to come along twenty marriage, twenty your marriage. So that's a good sign. Volt But she says, one of the guys that I've been talking to even went out of his way to make a romantic night by blindfolding me and taking me to a special place for dinner.

It was a great night. He even had my friends get together so I could spend time with all of them on my birthday. After being with him that weekend, he stopped talking to me. That's a weird one, but guys do this. But if you went to that, guys don't put that kind of effort into a birthday or the dates unless they're really interested. Guys out. Maybe he was interested and then he saw her in that environment and then just wasn't interested with her friends. Maybe she

got really drunk not she doesn't say. I recently went on a date and it seemed like we have a very good connection. We have similar interests, and he opened up to me about his personal life. All signs show he's in interested. But I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin it, and I'm scared he's going to run off like the rest of the guys. I don't know if I'm intimidating or if these guys are just very good at faking their feelings and can't be honest with me.

How do I get off the ghosting streak? Valve? First of all, it's not you. Val don't think that it's you. Yeah, it's not, don't She's she's blaming herself. She's saying, I don't want to mess this up. You didn't mess the other ones up. I didn't. I still have advice for her, though, I think that she should and I don't even maybe think that it's her that's encouraging these people to do these like grandiose things. But that birthday party thing was a big gesture, this guy opening up a lot about

his personal life. It for a first day, it's a big gesture in a lot of like emotional ways. I guess I think what she should do is slow things down, because what the way that I perceived this is these guys are going all out, playing out all these stops and putting, making themselves vulnerable and then maybe not getting what they had helped to get out of it. So then they're just like, all right, I'm bailing like that kind of thing. But what were they hoping to get

out of it? Well, like maybe they just didn't didn't get the reaction that they were hoping to. That type of thing. Um not not like I understand, I understand. Um, So I would say that by like working up slowly and slowly and stillly, slowly building and like allowing a true foundation to form before like doing these great things. I just think that that would kind of limit the ghosting.

Like think about this guy that through the birthday party, he's like, he's like, all right, I invited ten of her closest friends, blindholded her, pulled out all the stops for all this. Where where the hell do I go from here? I can't go anywhere from here, you know, like I can't. I can't improve upon that. But what she didn't like she didn't ask him now, Yes, you're right, and that's weird. I don't like she must have a great first impression or something, because she doesn't say how

long she was with these guys before they bailed. But it's it's that birthday party. To ghost is weird. But my only advice is it's not you don't worry about that, and don't get in your head about this. You just have to treat this relationship you're in now as its own thing. Don't worry about messing it up, have a great time to be really open with him, don't play a lot of games. Erica is looking at me like she disagrees company No, no, I agree with you. But

also they always come back around. They always come back with the ghosts. These guys will reach out to her at some point, I don't know how long it's been, but in a booty hallway or just in a like oh I messed up. And I hope that she does not get back with them at all. Like if you go someone, you're out, You're done. I think I've always come back around. I agree. I agree with that piece

of logic. If you get ghosted by someone, you should never consider taking them back to it again, like cheatery, Yeah, did we help her at all? I don't feel like we did. How do you get off the ghost? How does she get off? I think again? My advice to her is just to take things slowly. I think has good advice. You can't predict a ghost. But here's the thing.

Even if you're taking things slowly and some guy decides to ghost you because he's a dick, you're not as invested in that relationship, so you don't care quite as much for getting ghost like they'll bail out a little earlier if you've spent more time getting there, exactly like this guy this guy again through the birthday thing for her, Like she became very invested in that because it's such a it's a cool thing, Like he invited all her ends a great time to spend on her on their birthday,

that kind of stuff, and that's like she became invested in that. And then so when the ghosting happened, she like obviously was a little broken up about it. And I think, like, once you you have to build a level of trust with someone that takes time. You can't just do that overnight. Like you want to know that these proople that you're dating aren't going to ghost you. And I don't know, that's my advice. I think that's a good advice, But you can't. You also can't, Yeah,

you can't plan on a ghost. What happens if she just like goes to the guy that she's dating now and be like, listen, if you ghost me, I'm coming out. I tried that. I tried that. After ghost one and goes to the third ghost, I said, look, last two they just kind of vanished. If it's not happening for you, you can tell me it's fine, I'll be okay. The third the worst ghost of all, Yeah, because I just said that to her, not just at that too, or was you know, a month after that or something, and

that she just vanished. Like do you think if you didn't say it to her, she would have gosted you sooner? Maybe? I don't know. I got a principle. She's like, I gotta stick it out for another month and a half. Now, certainly possible. Eliza wants to talk to d and she has a very specific reason why. I love the podcast. It's been fun and interesting getting to know you. Dean. A little background. I'm forty, I've married five and a

half years. We have two kids. Before I got married, I had mixed feelings about it, and my parents divorces a lot of that around me growing up. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I would have been okay having kids before marriage, but my husband's a Christian who felt very strongly about being married before starting a family. We got married in a year later, had a first son. Now, like most married couples, we have

her ups and downs. Some challenges for me, according to my husband, are my communication and not enough praise and thanks. I've heard you talk a few times about love, languages and my husband's is words of affirmation mineus touch. I've read the chapter several times and I must be missing something because I can't seem to provide enough to meet his needs. So my question is, how can I improve in that area? What does words of affirmation mean to you?

Because that's yours, right Dean, that's your love language, words of affirmation, that's my second okay, So what does that mean to you? And how do you see it being played out in a relationship I love, I would love Mark and Easton's perspective as well being married and all thanks guys a lies uh oh, and then we'll get to her ps in a second. But that's a good question too. But let's talk about this at first. Words of affirmation. Yeah, I think that with words of affirmation

be my second one. Physical touches my first. I think my at least perspective on this is I like to go out of my way to do um small things for the girl that I'm dating, whatever it is, um and or just anyone in general, friends, family, and I don't do it for the sake of like feeling good for myself. I like to obviously make people happy for

those types of gestures that you do. But it is really really nice when someone's like, thank you so much for this for dinner, for taking us up to Tallo for the weekend, for whatever it is, for taking us

to Hawaii for the weekend. You know, it's like all it takes is like a very small uh like appreciation and may maybe that's not even words of affirmation is but it's like if if she could go to him and be like, hey, babe, thank you so much for cleaning the dishes after I cooked or something like that. You know, like that type of stuff I think that

typically goes unnoticed or at least unmentioned. Um can kind of like build up over time, and maybe like he would think that she's ungrateful of that type of stuff. So I've had trouble with this this words of affirmation concept too. So it's not so much oh you're the greatest, Oh you're so handsome, Oh you're so strong. It's not so much that as it is thank you for what you do. Uh. Oh you hung your towel up after the shower, Thank you for doing that. Oh you put

your socks in the happer, thank you good. You know that sort of thing is without without patronizing because that sounds that you're right, But it's more thanking you for the effort you put forth in the relationship. Is it also I love you so much. You're the greatest thing. Oh you're such a great part boyfriend. I love you. I love you. I hear that. Yeah, what do you think I'm I'm still wrapping my brain. I don't think words of affirmation are high on my list because I don't.

I don't think I need that sort of I think that's because you're a confident person. So what I'm slowly realizing too, that's why words words affirmation is number two on my list is because I'm insecure as all hell, and so what I kind of gain out of the words of affirmation is like it kind of tempers my insecurities a little bit. You know, Yeah, I suppose that's true. Yeah, I'm obviously I don't know her husband. But where does that Where does the insecurity come from? I don't know

self worth that type of stuff. Did this go back to your parents? I don't know. It's honestly something that I really dealt with before. But in in like the last six months or so, I feel like my self

worth is kind of diminished a little bit. And so it's interesting because now you're coming off of being on TV, and that's that's not a coincidence, I don't think I don't think so either, But it's just it's it's it goes a long way when the person that I'm dating reassures me or affirms me in a relationship or just in general. Because I don't know, having a self deprecating podcast help I suck a dating. I need I need that affirmation in my life, and it goes a long way.

Interesting because because you seem you come off to me as a confident guy. Oh you're you're a handsome guy. You got a lot going on for you, You're young, keep goingmation. Is it's interesting that being secure, But that's a lesson that everybody has insecurities, no matter how they appear from the outside, right, isn't that the lesson there? Um Erica? Yeah, do you know your love languages? I just pulled them up quality time and then words of

affirmation then goes down from there. But you know what I think is interesting is like, is the husband paying attention to her love language? Are they just not good? Questions? Physical touch through each other's love languages, and therefore there's a slight disconnect. It kind of sounds like to me like he's being a little bit selfish and saying we're

having problems because you don't affirm me enough. Um. And maybe that's just because I want to take the woman's side a little bit, but it kind of sounds like he isn't compromising as well. That's very good point that it goes both ways. She didn't really mention much about him doing anything for her physical touch needs, right. Is she getting foot massages? By the way, this is strange because I just pulled up my words of affirmation. I forgot about this because I took it a year ago.

Your love languages, love languages? What did I say? Words of affirmation is my tough one. So maybe I'm crazy. Although there is something to be said about that test because the questions are very leading to the answers, and so it's like, I think I'm physical touch, and so I was answering questions like physical touch, physical touch, physical touch, you know right right, It's like, would you prefer to be snuggles or would you prefer to have someone buy

you a present snuggle? I wonder which question leads to which answer you know, yeah, But then there's like me who like physical touch is my last one and that is spot on, like I'm not a cuddly person market because I won't hug doesn't hugever like under any circle I hugged Dean Hello. So we see each other less frequently,

maybe once a week. I see Mark so many hours of every day, like I spent a whole lot of time with you, So that I'm just saying that's true, that she has rules like if you're going away for a two week vacation, other than that, forgive it weekend handshake nothing nothing. Did we help Eliza? I think so? I think I think the key is Erica's point that it's got to go both ways. And I hope he's giving you the touch you need as well as you

as you're giving him the affirmation he needs. And I think you answered her question about what does that mean to you? And I think you answered it on to me, A word of affirmation is best applied when there's an active service involved. So it's like say he like I said, like, say he does something. If I were him, I would really really hope that she that it doesn't go unnoticed. I guess is the thing and it goes appreciate it

and that would just really make everything. But let me read her ps because it is something we neglected to talk about. She says, I don't know if I missed it or what, but I hope it's okay to ask. How did Hawaii go with your siblings and your mom's ashes over Christmas and New Year's? It went well. We never really talked about that. We kind of touched on. I don't remember it after the fact, remember beforehand, but I remember after the fact. Yeah, we went, Uh, there's me,

my two brothers, and my sister. My father did not join us. Um. I think this is kind of one of the things where words of affirmation was important to me. I didn't really get that like I felt. So it was like it was I took the responsibility to plan the trip and get everyone out there, organize everything, logistics, financed everything, whatever it is. Are you the oldest, I'm the youngest. You're the youngest. Yeah, how many siblings? Three? So it's me, I'm twenty six, My sister is twenty eight,

Bratt Ross's thirty one, Brat is thirty four. So these four siblings and you had the ashes. Yes, I don't know if I necessarily, so I guess I can say that. So for three months when I was in college, Um, I was like a junior senior. My brother, one of my older brothers, came under like hard times. He's always kind of been like financial hardship, all that kind of stuff. So I was like, yeah, please come live with us.

I'm more than have you, like take you under my roof and allow you to kind of get back on your feet sort of thing. And he had the ashes at the time, um, and he likes put him in the closet or something like that. And then when he moved out, he like forgot to take them with him or something like that. And this was like five or

six years ago, so he forgot them. Um. And then I was like cleaning out, and I like, it's funny too because I forgot like something stupid, like a pair of shoes or something when we were fully moving out, because I was moving to Denver after I graduated college. And I go in and I could do one final clean sweep of the apartment as we're moving out, and I look in like a closet, like one of the back corners and I see like the um, the box

with the ashes in it. The box is not an urn, it wasn't a earn, it was it was what the crematory put it put the ashes in UM. And that was just really frustrating to me too, because it was like he wasn't trusted with the ashes for whatever reason. I don't know exactly why he was chosen to watch after them the oldest, he's the second oldest. And then he just left him and I was like, well, like, these are okay, this is obviously something sorry for the curse.

This is obviously something that you never should have been responsible in the first place. If that's like the way that you would kind of like go about that, I guess. So I just kind of took it upon myself to be like, all right, like these are mine now. UM. Whenever anyone asked me for him, and they're like they're like, hey, can I have that? Can hold on to them, I'm like, no, you can't hold onto anything. I'm holding on to them now.

You guys are all idiots. UM. And then so we went to who I did all that stuff everything, um, flight hotel meals, flight hotel meals probably like I would say, the meals, rental car um activities, all kind of stuff, and I mean that's not that like that's fine, but there was never like a moment where they were like they were like thank you for like doing this for us.

I'm sure there were like small thank you, but um, it was still as just you know, it's I kind of almost hate myself like being like, well, you guys didn't thank me for the trip because that kind of makes me suit like sound a little b conceded. But it was just like annoying that they didn't show any like it is annoying. But but as some people do have a hard time with that. It's hard thanking people sincerely. It's difficult for some people for whatever reason it is.

Maybe it's guilt that they didn't do this. They didn't think of this, they forgot the ashes there that there might be guilt involved. There prevents them from someone said that I was talking to my friend about this and they're like, well, sometimes like maybe ego gets involved where your siblings are all older than you and they wanted to do this for you, but you were the one that did it for them, so they kind of felt slighted a little bit. Um so other than that, Like again,

that didn't didn't take back from the trip. The trip was still beautiful, Like Hawai's incredible place. Um. We hiked up to this lighthouse on Christmas Day at sunrise, uh, and and I was able to spread the ashes. There's a lot more ashes in there than I was expecting them to be. Was there, um or the reason for that location? Had she been there? She said, when she was on her on her on the bed in the hospital, She's like, I want my ashes scattered on the cliff

side in Hawaii. So we were just like this seemed a good cliff. My sister brought four packets of wildflower seeds, so we like, uh, mixed the wildflower seeds in the ashes and spread him. It was great. And then my sister left the next day. My brother left the next day, and then my other brothers stayed for like three or four more days and just kind of hung out. Um. Yeah, was it emotional when you let them go? Was there tears? My sister cried. It wasn't necessarily emotional for me or

my brothers. It was just like it was just nice that we could kind of like close that, not necessarily to worry about it anymore, you know, because I think all of the grieving that we've done has kind of already transpired already kind of like and I don't say passed, because we're never gonna be passed it essentially, but it was more of just a matter of like, this was her dying lish and we're like, we're finally grateful to be able to be doing Um. So yeah, so it

was good. There's a great book I recommend called Kids of Appetite, h And part of it is this teenage boy and he's trying to fulfill his dad's dying wishes that he found in the urn that was in his mom's house. All that he opened up the urn in was a note in there, and it was all these things he wanted done with his ashes, put them here, puts them here. And so that's kind of the book, him going, him and his new friends going place to

place and scattering some ashes. And it made me think of that that, Yeah, it is nice to get, like you said, the closure and doing that internal thing for your mom. Yeah yeah. So yeah, So I guess to Eliza's point, so if for not talking about it a little bit more depth, but um, yeah, I don't know. That's why I find that very interesting. I still like, really, it's been what two and a half months, it's Christmas. Haven't talked to my siblings since? Were you close growing up?

I think the age gap made it difficult for us all to be close. I was like such a big dork, like I was. I like, but never my brothers brought their friends around. I embarrassed the crap out of them. That's the youngest child. Yeah, yeah, my sister. I would like. I remember like when my sister's friends would call the house because it's like a communal house, and you would get on the other phone line and listen. No, I've never done that either as a twelve year old boy.

Markets And I'm sure I hope at least you share this. Um. Your voice comes across as very feminine when you answer the phone, and when and when my sister's friends were calling, they were expecting her to answer, and so I would answer and they would be like, oh my god, Sky, Hi, how are you And I'm like, no, it's Dean. So I would start answering the phone like hello, like in

the deepest voice I could. And I just remember there's like small things like that, like it was just I was always kind of more of like an embarrassment for my siblings than I was like a friend. I doubt they feel that way about you. Well now they don't at all. Now they don't at all. I'm just saying, like, as like that's those are those growing up because then when my mother passed away when I was fifteen, like when I was finally starting to be like tolerable around

hit their friends. It's like that's when we like didn't really start hanging out anymore because like they didn't live anywhere nearby. So it's just we're friends. But you know, there's just an age gap. I guess yeah, And I guess my sister and I are like that, Like we talk a couple of times a year, like there's not a there's not there's huge months and months and months will go by without chatting. So I guess that's natural. How often you talk to your siblings, like one of

my sisters every single day. I think sisters are different because I have two sisters. I talked to one every single day. I talked to the other multiple times a week. I'm in a group text of my siblings. I was blown up earlier today but I'm twenty four. My brother is thirty and he's the oldest. I'm the youngest. We're all really close in age any of one in the middle. The ones in the middle are nine, oh seely and four two twins twins. But like, your story is fascinating

to me. Yeah, Like I I don't. I wouldn't handle everything the way you do. I don't think that I handle it capably at all, but I don't. Well, it's just like being willing to take in your brother when you were still in college. That's like a that's something that's like abnormal, and like you should praise yourself for that. Well, it's funny too, because I asked you were when I

was in New York last week. We're talking, uh to like some interviewer and he's like, what do you think about like your fans or something like that, And I was like, first of all, the word fans of me is so weird because because people are fans of the people that go on the show because they can find something to relate to them about, you know, but when you're like living through those experiences, like when every moment, every like trial retipulation has happened to me, in my life.

I didn't look at it as something like this is like something that's changing me. It's just it's another thing you have to get through, you know. And now, like when you're twenty six years old and you can look back and you can be like, those are kind of like the pivotal transformational moments, but you didn't really think of anything as about them while they were happening. And that's what people like find it's just really weird. So like like you like you're saying, like you have a

fascinating life. I don't really see my life as fascinating. I just saw it as me like getting through every moment we've come to. That's but that's the point. It's like it's like anyone you can ask anyone I'm sure that's been through a lot, Like Eric Biger went and grew up on the streets of Baltimore, and he I'm sure like if he looks back, he's like, no, I was just like getting waking up in the morning from bed at night and I wasn't really sure what I

was doing. It's just life exactly. But to us it's fascinating because there's so many stories and the fact that it's fascinating. Just blows my mind because no one's ever thought it was fascinating before. But then you put on this platform with But I'd like to say, if you had never been on the Bachelor at I think we still find your really fascinating. If we sat down and talked like I'd still be like, I'm sorry what all of these things? Yeah, I suppose I wouldn't ever talk

about it though, the thing here we are. Can I just say one thing real quick, totally off topic. I had this sounds so crazy. I had a dream the other day about and they're like teasing up this. There's this new couple coming from Bachelor Nation. This is a dream dream And into the studio walks Dean and Rachel Lindsay and I literally woke up. It almost texted you

to be like, why are you back with? And then I had to process the fact that she is totally you are hypothetically maybe going to be in a relationship soon Like it was it was so real. Do you ever talk to her? So I don't know where this came from. I had to put it out. That's hilarious. Dreams are very I mean, I wish we could have a podcast just dedicated to dreams because I have the most insane dreams. Well, let's book a dream expert, because that's easy. We can get a Yes, book a dream expert.

But it's not even like I don't even have dreams where I'm like, oh, I kind of remember some things I remember like the weirdest dreams ever, and I don't know why, Like do you have you have a lot of weird dreams. Oh, I have like full relationships and dreams. It's weird stuff. All right, Well let's get a dream Um okay, Well, so that'll do it for episode X of Help I Second Dating. Big thank you to Genie Asamos from e Harmy dot com. Uh. Their happiness Index

comes out on Thursday. Be sure to check it out. You can check it out on the harmy dot com slash advice. UM, we love your emails. Keep emailing them in. Honestly, the first half of this podcast typically, you know, I'm just looking forward to this part of it is, or the email part of it, So keep them coming. I really want to reincorporate phone calls back into the podcast. I want to do and ask Dean anything segment, but we can't do that until Winter Games ares, because then

people can actually ask you anything. Can we actually circle back quickly to the dating Dudes and Don't with Dean Angler. I like that. It's a lot, it's a mouthful, but it's almost so long to the point that it becomes gimmicky to be acceptable. You know, it sounds like a college course or something. Dating Dudes and don't with Dean, But maybe this is Dean's college course for everything. I think it's just dating Dean, like forgetting Star Marshall dating

Dean Alert you don't hit it, don't hate him? What about dating Deans and don'ts that incorporates both of them dating Dean for Mark dating Deans and don't know. We're not making up boards. No, we're not compromising. Well, we'll find a title that you like by uh yeah, okay, um. Anyways, we'll be back next week potentially. Thank you again for listening to episode seventeen of Help I Suck At Dating. We'll be back next week for the show still called

Help I Suck At Dating? Next week yields a new possibility for a greater future for all of us, So be sure to tune in next week because maybe I'll suck a little bit Less, Follow, Help I Suck at Dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio, or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.