#11 What Would Dean Do?

are you. I'm doing well? Thanks for calling? And what the question do you have? Um? Okay, so we're talking about like dating advice, right, Okay, So I I'm a um, I'm in college and like all semester I have like stopped by this guy in my class and I knew him from last year and like in the summer we would like snapchat occasionally, but we were like in different

states and whatever. So he's like a friend, I guess, but like I've all what you felt like, we just like we have this connection, like I could like literally like see him, like she's like I feel like it's like my other half. And it's so weird because like normally I would never obsess over anyone um like this, like I never have, but like and we've like we've never hung out, like we've never like it's only a

class thing, you know. Yeah, I feel like I know him so well and we get along so well, and I was just every time I go to class and come home and just like oh my god, like you know what about at parties and stuff, I've only like we okay, so we're both in Greek life, but I've only seen him, like I don't go to his frat that much, and like when I did, it was just like I don't know, like am I just friend zoned? Well, so what's stopping you from from trying to hang out

with him one on one outside of class? I just I feel like why wouldn't he be the one like asking me? You know, uh, maybe he's just shy about it. I don't know, Like it's either like I've gone through this and it's like it's either like she like I don't know if he thinks like I'm like too cool and like I want to be interested, but I feel like, you know, like I feel like it's just so weird because like we have so much in common and like I feel like we're like our personalities are like gost

all out together. Well, I think I think you definitely need to hang out with him because it's it's I think that the veil of mystery, of of thinking you know a lot about someone, even though you only have like snapchat conversations or you only spend you know, X amount of time with him in class, you're allowed to like make up a lot of things about him that you think he is, that you like. So it's like the more you get to know him, the less you'll

be able to fill in the blanks for yourself. And I think that's where you should definitely start and maybe just like ask him out for I don't know, if you're over twenty one, and maybe asking him out for a drink, just for a couple of coffee, or even just like ask him to study with you in the library. Um, I was telling this story earlier on this episode two um or I guess not in this episode. I was telling the story earlier UM about this girl in college

that I was like obsessed with. It was very similar to what you're saying. You know, we would snapchat a lot. Uh, I was like obsessed with her, I thought that we were like going to be in of and get married and blah blah blah. And so it was just a matter of like building a friendship and just like spending as much time with her as possible, but doing it like platonically and around friends and you know, making sure that um, all of that kind of stuff checks out.

And then after the fact she had a boyfriend of the time, she broke up with her boyfriend and then we started dating. Um And even at the beginning of dating her, I was like, this girl is going to be my wife. I'm gonna marry her. And then like six six seven months later, I kind of it kind of fizzled because it just it wasn't necessarily what I expected it to be, not for lack of either of us trying or being good people, it just wasn't We

didn't have the chemistry that I anticipated us having. And it sounds like you think that you and this guy are gonna have a lot, but you're not really going to know it until you spend some time with him. Yeah, And okay, so do you think that you kind of like played it up in your head like any thought, like, oh, absolutely, I think even even whenever my friends talked about it.

My friends all knew that I had like this huge crush on her, um they would constantly bring her up, and I would like constantly like talk very highly of her. So it's like, the more you associate positive words with this person, the more that you begin to build them up in your head. And there's nothing wrong with that, of course, I just I think that you really need to dedicate and commit some time to it. And this is Mark Dean's producer. He's absolutely right. I think you

are building this guy up too much. But it's so frustrating what you're going through when you feel like there's a real connection here but he won't do anything about it exactly, And I'm like, well, I'm not going, you know. It's like that feeling of like, well, he's not going to I don't want Why don't you? Though? I think if you, I think if you feel so strongly about it, I think that you should take the initiative. Guys are really afraid of rejection. They don't want to admit it,

but they're really afraid of rejection, and everybody is. But it's on guys to do the actor asking out Most of the time, and every time I ever asked anybody out, I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was so nervous. He's not going to for whatever reason. You need to. You need to be empowered. We want to empower you and find a way to do it. That's not like I love you, I want to go out

with you. It's more casual. Maybe there is a college campus situation that you need to bring a date to that you could ask him to be to make it easier than that. You guys said you have the same classes together, right, yeah, and we we ride the bus home. So I'm always like, oh my god. I could totally just tell him, like, do you want to come over and study? But I always be too nervous, don't Okay? Well, maybe I'm sure you have like friends that you study with.

I always got like butterflies in my stomach whenever this girl would ask me to study with her and her friends. And again, I know from her perspective, it was solely just to have more people to study with. But you can study in a room with like four or five of your friends, maybe some of his friends. If there's a group of like six of you guys and you're all studying together, like it allows you to hang out with him with so much less pressure than having him

come over by himself and study with you. I love you guys on the bus together, talking like looking at your textbook, like saying like I'm not so sure, and then as you get to your stop, you hey, you want to come in? There's a study area right in here. Oh, trust me, I've had this planned out, like this is what I'm gonna do. And then I just don't want

to get nervous. But do you think that, like if you do that, if you play like the platonic like route and you're like, oh, like we'll be like better friends first, then are you like in danger of getting stuck? I see, I personally, I don't think so. I know that people will have those worries. I think that if you're confident in it, and you're confident in yourself, and you're confident in your relationship, your potential relationship with him, and there wouldn't have to be a fear of a

friend zone. And if there is a friend zone, then it just wasn't necessarily meant to be. But I've never really, I mean, I've definitely been in the friend zone before, right, But I just think that if you're confident enough in yourself, then it's start really something you should have to worry about. Yeah, I agree with that. Do you think that, like, do you think he's already friends zoned me in his mind? Though? Like,

do you think that that happens? Like do you have people who like you're just like all they're just friends zoned? I mean, yes, of course I have friend zoned people before, But I don't think that he's friend zoned you. Again. Again, I don't know enough about the situation, but it sounds like it hasn't been the case. So you're saying I just need to go for it, and one of you does, And I think you take it upon yourself to be

because what is the worst that could happen? I guess he would just say no, yeah, he's not interested, and then you can move on with your life. That's true, And I think being that like yes or no answer is way better than the like what if? And you also need to know more about this guy before you decide if he's as magical as you think he is. And this is the way. That's why I'm saying I don't think it's gonna be a yes or no right away. It's gonna be uh, let's hang out and and see

what we can. I don't know, like if you guys really have the strong connection like you're saying, which it sounds like you do. UM, I think that there will be. He'll have every interesting hang out with you, unless I don't know, maybe he's dating someone else. I don't know if you're dating anyone, UM, but I think that you definitely have to go to shot and it's not going to be as objective right away. It's gonna be, um

like a slow process. It's not gonna happen overnight. But I have a good feeling about this one, a great feeling about it, I do. I think he's just shy or oblivious, which guys are both of those from the bachlor that I have to ask you to hang out now? You have to do you want me to d m M for you? Do it? Said to send me his Instagram handle. I'm dming him right now. Oh no, no, no, no, no, UM, all right, and well good luck. I think you honestly

need to extend all the branch and see um. But make it make it like light like I said, make it like if you guys could study together or something. I'm sure you have mid terms coming up with winter break and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I already thought about, like we're playing the long game here, but I have to like make the move. I guess make the move. The long game is okay, but yeah, I'm eventually gonna want to make a move, and I would say to do it before you leave for the holidays,

so you have somebody to text while you're gone. Absolutely, and if he if he denies, you just tell him that it was my fault and that you were just kidding. Okay, Well, all right, well, good luck with everything. Great. I guess he's some awesome confidence you got this girl. Thanks for talking to me, all right, by Hi Ali from Alabama. Thank you for calling in. How are you? I'm good? How are you? I'm good? Thanks for calling? What's your question? Okay?

So I was in one serious long term relationship and we work up a couple of years ago. So we did about three years and ever since then, it's like I go and day took guys, and I really liked him at first, and then it's kind of like I'll pick out a flower too and just kind of start fixating on them and to start like pushing them away. So I don't know, like what is that, Um, I do that, I'm guilty of that. I think that everyone

kind of just inherently does that a little bit. I think that like what kind of flaws are you picking on? Like what do you um just like I'll sign some sort of personality flaw. I mean it depends on the guy. Really. I'm like, okay, I'm I'm really not superficial, but this one guy, like I really liked him, and I usually date guys like six foot and over, but he's really shut and I just can't get tasted. And I know that's like so bad. But I mean it's a little superficial,

but I don't think necessarily bad. Like you definitely have a taste in men, and if they have, if you prefer taller men, then that's just what you prefer. Um. I think the whole like knitpicking negative qualities. It's probably like a defense mechanism you you kind of find you because I do this too. And again this is kind of maybe what I'm speaking to is you will see yourself like getting closer to this person, and then you get scared of that, and so you find negative qualities

to kind of let yourself move in the opposite direction. Um. But at the same time, you shouldn't if you're looking for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I don't think you should necessarily be pinpointing these negative qualities. I don't think you should even be able to notice a single negative quality in this person. Um. I'm less of an authority on this because I'm twenty six and single. But Market Studio has been married for twenty years. Maybe he can give you

a little bit of advice. I mean, look, you've got to focus on what you think is important. There's got to be a few things, and maybe height is one of them, and that doesn't necessarily make you superficial as long as you don't have a lift that's a hundred things long. I think you need to know what the real deal breakers are for you. How old do you

if you don't mind my asking, twenty two? Yeah, you're twenty two, So I think you can have these standards when you're twenty two, when there's nothing wrong with that you want the perfect guy. But I do think Dean's right. It is a fear of commitment and when you're twenty two, that's okay, you're gonna you're but you're finding ways to get out before you have to open up too much.

So there may be some some deeper psychological element as to why you're not letting yourself commit fully to these guys and bailing and pulling the ripcord on the parachute before you get into deep. Yeah. I could definitely see that. I just feel like I have this picture of like the perfect guy for me, and it's kind of like one thing off about that. Then I'll just be like, all right, well, I'm not gonna waste my time anymore on that. Parents still married, Yeah, they're still married. There,

super happy, great relationship. Have you been hurt really badly in the past by a boyfriend? Oh yeah, I hurt me pretty bad, so so that may be part of it. I mean, I I sorry to go so psychological on you, but that might be part of it. It's just a fear of getting hurt in like, and we've all I think we've all dealt with that fear and overcoming that fear because once it happens to you once, man, it's tough, and it's tough because you don't ever want to go

through that again. So I I and and and committing fully is being completely vulnerable. You are putting your fragile self in their hands to do whatever they want to you. And it can be a very scary thing. And it's like the fear of rejection kind of fids away when you're rejecting them first. You know, like by by finding these negative things to push them away, you're kind of saving yourself. And again, I do this, I do the same exact thing. It's something that I'm trying to work on. Um,

I think I've gotten better. I think honestly, if you were twenty two, you have a lot of time to figure it out. I'm twenty six and still figuring it out. Um, but I don't know. I think I think that once you find the right person for you, you're not going to be able to find any negative qualities that really

kind of push you away. And like, obviously the more guys that you meet that you are able to pinpoint things that you don't like about them, then you can kind of continue to mold the perfect person for you as you meet more people. Seems like we all just want to that's going to make us laugh, and that we want to clamb on top of right, isn't that basically what we're looking for? Perfect? Those two things somebody that were attracted to in that way and that can

make us laugh. I think we're can overlook a lot of stuff if we can find those two things. Yeah, I think it's very fair. That's great. All right, Ali, Well, good luck, Thank you for calling in. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course, all right, take care. Hey, Julie, thank you for calling in. This is Dean. How are you Hi, I'm good. How are you? I'm doing well? Thanks for waiting on hold for so long. There, I'm sorry for the way. But how what question do you have? Um?

So yeah, my question is um from seven And I've never really had like a serious relationship, And my question is how do I go from like the casually dating because I've had one to two months flings to something more serious. So a serious relationship to you, is just more than two months? Um yeah, I'm more than yeah, just dating. I would say, how, well, what do you think you're doing that hasn't allowed these relationships to progress

like that? Is it something you're doing? Is something they're doing? I don't know. Sometimes, you know, I end things, sometimes they end it. Sometimes it just stades away. Um. I don't know what the problem is, but m M, I think that so you seven, you haven't had a serious boyfriend. I think that you just have to kind of keep

taking it slow and just kind of keep trying. I don't think that there's really going to be any one thing that kind of lets you get over that hump unless there is like some major issue that uh, either you have or that these guys keep having. But I think you just gotta keep trying until you find that right guy. Yeah, I feel like I just haven't met

the right person yet. I don't know. I don't think you should put the pressure on finding someone that you're you're wanting to be in a long, long term relationship with. I think it should just happen in kind of unfold naturally. Um, but I don't know. I don't know what the dating pools like in Massachusetts. Could I delf Could I do

a little psychological Delvin because I enjoyed this part. Yeah, So you say that you're saying that you're you're with these guys if you must, and that they break up with you, and you break up with them, right, have you had your heart broken or has it always been like, Okay, fine, I don't think I've had my heartbroken. Now, you've never really been all in enough on these guys to really have it hurt when they break up with you, And similarly,

you don't feel like have you broken their hearts? You think there was one guy in grad school who I feel like took it pretty hard, like I wasn't as bad. But yeah, other than that, not really. So I feel like you're putting up walls. I think there's a reason that you're not fully committing to these people, or maybe allowing yourself to fully be involved, because if you've never had your heartbroken, that means you haven't really fallen in for these guys. And yes, it's possibly you just haven't

met the right guy. But what are your parents still together? No? What was it? Was it messy? Uh? No? I mean it was a long time ago. They're both remarried though now. But but I'm guessing it was hard on you what had happened when they split up? Yeah? Yeah, I wonder if there's something they're like you've seen, You've seen the pain that can be caused by these relationships and I wonder if there's something there that's not allowing you to go deeper. Yeah, I feel like there's some truth in that.

I feel like we it all goes back to our parents, Like I feel every way, we're all messed up, and it's and I have daughters, and I wonder daily how I am messing up my daughters because you really don't have a choice. You're messing them up in some way. It will you'll find out when they're grown up. But you're doing your best. I'm doing my best every day and at the end of the most important well, yes, of course, but it's just you're influenced by them in

so many ways that you don't even realize. And the next thing, you know. I mean, my parents are fantastic, but I know that I have issues because of them, because we all do. So I wonder if there's something there. But also I think maybe you haven't met the guy that's worth kind of jumping off the deep end with. Yeah, I feel like it's both. Probably, I think I think you just need to be patient, wait for that right guy. It's not gonna have It's said this, I think times

today it's not gonna happen overnight. Uh, I mean, but at the end of the day, like, yeah, you could meet the guy very very soon. But um, have you heard from that guy from grad school? No, I don't know. We don't really talk anywhere. Now. I wonder, how wonder if that was the one that got away. Maybe I think the opposite I got away from him. You're happy that you're happy. Okay, that's good. Good luck again. I'm sure it's gonna it's gonna flip and you're gonna find

that guy soon. Um again, just don't put like an unrealistic expectation on it, and try to be open. Try to be open to what they have to offer. And like we said to the last caller, we're all just looking for somebody who can make us laugh and then we want to get in bed with. And if we can find that, we can overlook a lot of other stuff. Nobody's perfect, especially me, especially Deane. All right, Julia, thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, thank you guys

so much, really helpful. All right, take care. Hi. Hey, this is Dean. How are you good? For you good? I'm right for for having you on hold there for so long. How what's what's question you have for me, and my question is how is your dating like after you left one credit? How has my dating life been post Bachelor in Paradise. That's a great question that I've actually never been asked. Um, it's been, for the most

part non existent. I would say there have been certain dates that I've gone on, UM, but it's definitely changed a lot from before going on the show. It's after going on the show, like, I think that if I wanted to, I could be going on many more dates, but I don't have that yearning inside of me to do. That's interesting though, because I would imagine that once you go on one of these shows, it's an embarrassment of riches.

There's so many women in America that would love to go out with you rather than somebody who doesn't go on these shows. They just have the little community that people they know from their lives. But that can also be it's it's too much on, isn't it. It's too many options, too many possibilities. You don't know anybody, you don't know them at all. It's well, there's a lot of that. It's a lot of Um. I'm I'm a

very reclusive and kind of like introverted person. So I don't necessarily well, I do well in social settings, I don't necessarily like to go out of my way to seek them out. Um, and so I'd rather like spend a night in by myself than go out and meet you know, a hundred new people. Um. But that to to to Mark's point, who's the producer on the podcast, he was, Uh, definitely is the potential to meet a lot more women, is there, like the people that slide

into my d M s on a daily basis. It definitely has obviously increased hundred x percent since going on the show, right, But um, I don't know, it's just it's it seems like almost like when you have something so available to you, you kind of want to go to the opposite direction and not necessarily go down that route. So that's kind of where I am. Like I I've,

like I said, I've gone on a few dates. Um, I still maintained, you know, friendships with a lot of the people that I had post or pre show, but it really has been a non existent dating life that I've had for the most part. I'll bet a lot of guys some come off that show and just go out and mad tear Oh so even like some of

my closest friends here in Los Angeles. Um, like sometimes I'll show them like to go through my d M or something like that, and I know for a fact like they would message every single one of them back and try and hang out with every single one of them for the for their own I don't know, egotistical purposes, whatever it is. And I just I don't necessarily see why I'm I honestly, I'm kind of proud of myself for not really giving into that temptation whatsoever. And yeah,

it's just not me. But yes, I definitely think that even my closest some of my closest friends would take full advantage of that opportunity and just kind of start going crazy and have a heyday. Um. But no, I mean I'm not really like that. I just kind of want to find that one person that, um, I can eat ice cream with and watch Seinfelderie runs on Friday Night with And I don't know. I hope that answers your question. All right, Well, thank you for calling in,

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At times, I stumble over my words, and I just maybe when I get excited about things, I talked very very quickly. And this is the dumbes story. I don't even know what I'm sharing it. But when I was in college and probably a little bit of high school as well, um this same thing happened, but probably to a higher degree. And so I would constantly introduce myself and say Hi, I'm Dean, and people constantly thought I

was saying hi, or Hi, it's Dean. Like when I'm saying what's your name, people constantly thought I was saying Hi, I'm Steve. And so literally, for like four or five years of the time, when I would introduce myself as Dean, people would think my name was Steve. And then in college it got to this point where every time I got drunk and I went out with my friends, I would just start introducing myself as Steve. And so I

had this alternate drunk ego which was Steve. And and now whenever I hear it played back like like talking to a caller when it's like, Hi, it's Dean, how are you. I always, in the back of my head think it sounds like I'm saying Steve a little bit. To be clear, your name is Dean, not Steve. Yes, I have an email from Claire and this is very interesting, Tanya. Maybe you can weigh in on this as well, because

this is an interesting question. Claire says, I have a topic I think y'all might find interesting, and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. I've didd a lot of people in my life, but very few of the dates have turned into relationships. I am another example of the common story. It just hasn't worked out with anyone. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, but I'd love to find something a little more serious. I'd like to invest in someone and get the same in return. Here's the catch.

I'm one semester and one bar exam away from being a practicing attorney, and I'm a stripper. How did you know that? I just get the vibe. He just whispered to Tanya, she's a stripping As I was reading this, Wow, she's about to be an attorney. But yeah, she's a stripper. I could go on and on about stripping, the stereotypes, the truths and the lies, and how I truly believe that by stripping, I've made a profound difference in many lives. But I'll spare you that for now. My question is

simply this, would you date a stripper? Some guys say it's no problem. Other guys have a big problem with it. I get strong reactions about my choice to dance, and it has cost me friends, but it's also shown me people's true character. The bottom line. For men who are skeptical of dating me because of my job, I say this, I'm just like any other woman. But I can put my body into all sorts of contorted positions on a pole, and I can give a super sexy lap dance. And

for my boyfriend, I'd even consider doing it for free. Well, this is incredibly interesting, I think it is. I'm flustered even just thinking about it. To be honest, all right, yes, you meet a girl, hit it off, she says. Look, before we go any further, I need you to know I strip. It's helping me pay for law school. It's been great for me. Secure, confident. Dean wants to say that in theory I could be totally comfortable with that, but in practice I see my insecurities being not comfortable

with it. How about Steve, how would he be with it? Steve being drunk all the time, he would be Um, wow, that's tough. I don't like to think that I'm a jealous person, but I do have jealous tendencies at times, and I do get maybe protective or territorial at times. I think it's just kind of in human nature to to do that, especially when you care a lot about someone. But if if Claire has never done anything to breach a boy's trust, she essentially is right by saying that

she's just working another job. And if she uwsed it solely as a job until she gets her law degree, passes the bar, then I don't necessarily see that much fault with it. Okay, so that's a current stripper. What if you met a girl to look, I gotta be honest with you, just so you know I used to be a stripper. Would that be a red flag? I would be more comfortable with that than than because what's

past is passed. Sure, But then for me, it would come down to a very basic and probably very silly thing It would drive me nuts that all these people have seen my girlfriend or wife naked and stuff. I feel like that's such a special thing. I feel fortunate anytime any woman, and it's been one for twenty years now, would show me her naked self, Like, that's such a vulnerable, giving thing. It's such a gift to receive as a male. It would drive me nuts that others have seen that.

What about the thought that all these other guys are like idolizing her and like wishing they could have her, none of them are getting her, And then at the end of the day, Y're the one that gets to spend the rest of the night with their sort of thing. Like, I think there's something to say about that. Um, I want to say that this girl has and I can't even imagine what she must be going through right now. So when I first moved to Los Angeles, about a week before I moved, I met a girl in Denver

who was older. She's probably thirty three, thirty four, No, no no, no, I'm sorry, she was like thirty one, but she lived in Orange County going to what school did you go to?

Chapman University law school studying for the bar are similar to to Claire Um and she the amount of stress and pressure that she was under to be in school, studying for the bar, taking the bar, all that kind of stuff was so like in so much for her, we couldn't be in a relationship, so for her to for for Claire to be doing that same exact thing, but also be having this element of her career her her career obviously, but her job on the side, there's

so much going on. I feel like she shouldn't even be thinking about relationships right now. That's my take on it. That's true. So I think that we've had nothing but kind of negative feedback for Claire at this point. But I do feel like the bottom line is it's gonna

take a special guy. It's going to take a certain guy, and maybe he has a certain I don't know what the comfortable job is on the guy side of things would be maybe he's a stripper, maybe he works at a strip club, or maybe you know, maybe there's somebody in the circle more. But it's gonna take a special guy because a lot of guys I think will have an issue with and there's nothing wrong with with the

job that she does. I don't I don't think I just think that there are a lot of guys that kind of see it as uh an obstacle to overcome at some point or not. Because if she meets a guy that's that's down with it. The other problem is like what happens when you go home and he starts like throwing not the singles? Like there's the guys that don't know those kind of boundaries. You know, she's the only she gets home. You know, I took out some

of emails. She has had some bad experiences with guys when she's told them that she is, they get too presumptuous. I guess, yeah, one assaulted her. So yeah, it's been a real maybe. Honestly, Claire, if you're listening, I just wouldn't even share that until you're become incredibly comfortable with the guy. Right, what's terrible advice? Do you think? I think it should be an up front thing, like, hey, heads up, this is what I do for Look, she's in law school. She's gonna meet a lot of guys

through law school. Is that something you could How long could you hold that? I would keep it a secret, and for how many days I'm not going to waver from this? I think I wouldn't tell them until you become maybe uh committed in the relationship and you're comfortable

sharing the information with whoever it is. I don't think you should share it with him as as long as it's only stripping and only dancing, and it's not like other things, as long as you're not sure what's the one thing all these people have been telling us is the key to a successful communication. Honestly, all that kind of stuff. I understand that that's actually a very fantastic

point to lie or not lie. It's a lie by amission, I could I could think you could see it as that, But I just think that you're opening up slowly about yourself and that's a very big thing that many people would be uncomfortable with. And it doesn't define who she is as a person. It doesn't make her any any different as a person. But people will assume that by doing that, she is a certain type of way, even

though she most clearly isn't. It's true, and it's too bad because she does have a lot of credit if she was able to put herself through law school this way, like that's that's tough to do. That's a lot. Yes, although on the flip side Titania's point, it would be difficult to be dating someone for like six or nine months, come to find out they've been stripping the whole time. I'd be like, thanks, by, Like, I just want to dump you for the lying for six months. That's such

a hard that's such a hard situation. I don't know. Sorry, Claire, have great advice for you, but I think it happens to everybody. You know, how badass is that a stripping attorney? Yeah, it's like a TV show in there somewhere, you know. And that's another element that guys we need to mention with guys. Guys will look past a lot if you're a certain level of hot. That rhymed and I'm kind

of proud of it. Yeah, But the truth is, if she looks like the dream girl and she's just a knockout incredible as I'm sure she is in incredibly intellectual, if she's yeah, she's smart, she's the whole package. Things are turning around in my mind for Claire. Maybe she maybe this is okay. I don't know, Maybe we're just insecure. Maybe guys are going to see this for what it is. She's a hustler. She's smart, she does what she's gotta do,

and she's incredibly attractive. I want to meet Clear in person. I demand Claire comes to the studio, California. Well, I hope you can take something some seblance of a takeaway from that. Here's an anonymous email. Hi Dean, I did the guy at thought I was going to marry for three and a half years. Sadly it ended and I

was really hurt. Yeah, I'm glad you're here for this time you Just a few months later, I found out he was in another serious relationship with someone new, someone he became friends with a month before our relationship ended. Came as a surprise and it made it harder to move forward. We broke up two years ago. I've gone on a few dates since then, but it's hard finding someone new when you thought you were going to be

married to someone else. Since the creation of Instagram Stories about a year and a half ago, his new girlfriend has watched every single one of my stories. I believe I met her once before we broke up, and she doesn't follow me on Instagram. She then has gone on to watch all of my friends stories that I've tagged or shown on my Instagram stories. It doesn't make any sense. This means she goes to my account and watches my stories and also stalks my friends. She's the one who

ended up with my ex. I just don't get why she does this, and it makes me upset every time I see she's been on my profile? Do I block her? That seems excessive and makes me look crazy? But doesn't she know that I can see that she watches every one of my stories. Help. Thanks for the advice, Tanya, The floor is yours. Okay, this is what I would do whatever what was her name? Her name was sorry, Anonymous, beautiful,

so it's just flows right off the tongue. What I would do is whatever is going to make you happy? So yes, do I think blocking this this new girlfriend is excessive? Yes? But if it irks you every single time you see her name pop up on your story, then block her. Who cares? You know? She's nobody in your in your She's not making you happy by any means. So if it's going to make you happy, I'm all for doing the block blocker and and don't even think

twice about it. What's her mindset? Not Anonymous? The girl who keeps talking Anonymous is Instagram. What is she thinking? You know, I don't know because I've never been like that girl all that. If I'm in a new relationship with somebody, I'm not stalking their exes profiles. That's just not me. That's just not who I am. So I don't know like what that mindset is, like what she's

looking for. Um, although I have been the girl that when you break up with someone, your boyfriend gets a new girlfriend, and you stalk the new girlfriend because you're kind of thinking, like what is it about them that? So maybe it is the flip side, like what is it about them that's attracting your ex? I think it's it's similar. I think it's an insecurity. I think maybe she thinks that Anonymous is maybe prettier than she is,

or like enjoying her life more. Yeah, And I think she is afraid that he will still have feelings for her, and so she's kind of obsessed with her. Maybe she's just yearning for a friendship from Anonymous ip that, But I think what this Okay, I think what Anonymous should do is I think she should just block the new girlfriend so it'll stop making her anxious or angry inside.

And then I think she needs to move forward and she really, like, I think two years is not a long time to get over a three and a half year relationship that you thought you were going to marry. What's the rule is, And it's supposed to be a month for every year you were together. It's supposed to be half the time that you spent together. So she's by that math, she's just getting over at she should

be by now half That seems excessive to me. I think your heart, Well, that's probably it's actually probably different for women and for men could be, but for girls it's it's half the relationship. And um, I think that she really needs just to try dating and like really put herself out there and just and cut all ties in anything that reminds her of her ex. Sure, and and obviously his current girlfriend reminds her of her ex. Yeah,

I think so. I think blocking is more for Anonymous because then she won't see her ex's girlfriend be looking at her stories, less so for her ex for his girlfriend to be looking at her stories, like she doesn't care so much but she just want to see her name. It takes a stress out of anonymouss life, and you're really doing the new girlfriend of favor. Yea, she can stop up obsessing so much. Here's the thing with blocking,

is I mean I have multiple Instagram accounts. I have my public account, I have a private account that I'm only friends with follow friends and friends only follow me. Um. I have a help I stuck at dating account. So just because my danae Baby's account block someone or is blocked by someone doesn't mean I can't get on it another account and go look at anonymous, won't I won't see her name popping up? Does that make sense? Yes, So that's what I'm saying. It's more for anonymous to

sake than for anything else. Exactly about going private though, yes, and go private. I think that she's definitely go private. And for the uh the girlfriend, the current girlfriend is lurking. If you look at Instagram stories from the web, no one can see that you're watching it. I'm just throwing that out. You can do that. There are there are ways, so there's there's things to be learned on both sides with isn't that so funny that this is like an

actual conversation. We're burning calories figuring it out. Yeah, it's so funny because I was kind of dating this guy very briefly over the summer, and his ex girlfriend was like up my stories and never met t next girlfriend. I've never even seen her, but her name started popping up, and I was like, why is this random ex girlfriend?

And I'm dated it very briefly. I'm like, it's just so crazy to me that people have this fascination want to like I don't know, but you have the fast the want to know who's looking at your stories and you're finding it out. No, no, I'm just saying it's kind of a towy street, right, but it pops up it. I don't know what the algorithm is, but it was. She was always like that very first person to Yeah, I don't think I've looked at who've used my Instagram

stories in forever. You can't see that when you're like scrolling to the end, I just see a number. I don't think I've ever clicked on the number to see you know, So maybe I don't know. Maybe I have a lot of creepy x is out there that are stocking me. Yeah, no, I don't think so. All Right, Well, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Help. I Suck at Dating a lot today. We learned a lot today. Um. Always great to have her way in you. The listeners are obviously what makes this

podcast so great. So at the end of the day, big thanks to you guys for tuning in, for sending your emails, for having the phone calls with us. I Suck at Dating at I Heart media dot com. That's the email address if you share, if you feel like sharing your story like Claire, UM, if you feel like calling in like Anna, we would love to hear more

from you guys. Like I said, it's always great to be able to mix in real life events with this podcast, so please tune in next week for another episode of help I Suck At Dating, because maybe then I'll suck a little bit less. Follow Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.