Who do you want to be? and I want to be inspiring. I wanna be a leader. I wanna be confident, I wanna be loving, I wanna be happy, I wanna be peaceful. I wanna be joyous. I wanna celebrate life. I wanna inspire others. I want people to follow me. I want to lead people to bettering themselves. I wanna lead myself to bettering myself and then the next question I asked was just a very simple follow up. Says, great. So you wanna be all these things. What do you have to say? What do you have to do?
More importantly, who do you have to become? What do you have to make others feel? what would you do in different moments in life and how would you move from here?
How do we truly feel like a success in every area of our lives? How do we feel enough and know that we are not alone? Join me as I interview some of the top leaders and experts in the world, from Broadway directors to multimillionaire, CEOs, neuroscientists, and more to look behind the curtain of success and examine not only the achievements, but also the fears, the doubts, the loneliness and how we can navigate through that to create the incredible life we actually want to live.
Welcome to Success Engineering. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Success Engineering. So this month, as some of you guys know is about mental health. I really want to share top tips from experts on how we can really make sure that this is a priority in our life. And I know for me personally, and probably a lot of other people as well, February can be a challenging month. You know, we're still in winter for a lot of the Northern hemisphere. It's kind of dreary, it's cold.
We don't have a lot of the holidays to look forward to. And even here in China, you know, it's past the Chinese new year and the breaks. And stuff. And it can be kind of a challenging time. You know, we're not getting enough vitamin D we're knocking out and, um, just, just a tough time. So I figured it would be a great time to talk about mental health. So this month we're having some really great, we always have great people on, but.
Really great experts talking about everything from, you know, the one for today. Which is practical tips about how we can shift our mindset and really create the life that we want to live and also separating our identity from anxiety and from depression and mental models for that really, really excellent tips. Another one of the guests will talk about how to navigate and really recover from and heal from toxic relationships. Another very important topic.
And then we'll have a incredible powerhouse lady. But she talks about how she took her unique abilities and all of, even the pain and the challenges and struggles and stuff that she's had and turned it into something that's amazing in terms of how she helps people brand themselves. And. Just a super in-depth conversation on how we can navigate the, our inner worlds and our mental and emotional health. So it was amazing, amazing conversation.
So we have a lot of good stuff Also mid-March I do have my 12 week online elite mindset training for entrepreneurs mastermind that launches the week of March 13th. So be looking out for some more information on that, but without further ado, let's jump right into the show. welcome back to Success Engineering. I'm your host, Michael Bauman. I have the pleasure of having Vin Infante on. He's has over a decade of experience in mental health. Worked with thousands of people.
He's a former F D N Y firefighter, and currently a psychotherapist. And a Master Mindset coach, and we'll actually get into that as we go here. He's been featured in International Business Times, top Coach to Follow in 2022, featured in Forbes, New York Weekly Entrepreneur, ton of other places. It's gonna be a great conversation. Welcome to the show here, Vin!
Thanks for having me, Mike. Absolutely, absolutely.
So it obviously wasn't, wasn't always like this. I want to get into your background a little bit around some of the challenges you faced growing up, whether that's bullying, you know, not having the friends and, and kind of start there and talk to me about how that shaped those formation years for you.
I'll do my best to do the bridge version cuz I feel like my story's way too long, but I've come to learn. A lot of that had shaped me in many, many ways. That put me at such a disadvantage in, in my own personal life, right? Not necessarily in the external world. In the external world, I was still able to thrive, and I think a lot of people could. But internally, I struggled with confidence issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks suicidal ideation. I struggled.
Severe, severe, just self-worth issues, even identity issues, right? Figuring out who I am, because I wanted to be somebody that was liked. I wanted to be someone who was worthy of friendships. I wanted to be someone who was worthy of love. Like I couldn't even get a girlfriend until I was in virtually college. So it was a very rough journey, to say the least. And I had tried to reinvent myself going.
From high school to college, and it was a very simple shift where I decided to change my name on all my college transcripts from Vincent to Vincenza so that I would come in and start with this cool new name and start fresh and have this opportunity to be bigger than I was. And it worked externally. I started making friends. I shift a lot of physical things about myself, right? I started working out, so I was a little bit chubby. I wasn't the best looking right. and I started working out a bit.
I changed up my clothing style. I grew out a beard. I, I started, you know, spiking my hair. Like it was one of those classic things you would see in a movie where if you ever saw, oh my God, there's this old movie called The New Guy. And he was like a loser in high school, right? And then he goes to this new school and he is just like this cool guy. Everybody's like, who the hell is he? Right? and I, I, I kind of achieved that going into college.
I was the new guy and nobody knew who I was, but I was, I was cool and, and women were interested in me and, and guys wanted to be my friend. And, and I didn't really have, I had a personality, but not entirely, I would say I was more of a chameleon so to really make friends, I would just be like, well, what do you like? Because the things that I liked, I was always picked on for. Right. So I didn't really want people to know me. I would just like become you, if that makes sense. Right.
Somebody would be like, oh, I like this. I'd be like, cool. I like it too. Let's do it. Mm-hmm. and everybody obviously liked me because we always had something in common, so It was great, but it wasn't because I still had all of these internal issues I was struggling with, and things progressively got worse and worse and worse, even though I did great. Seemingly, I was working two jobs. I was a personal trainer, I was a mental health worker.
I was graduating in my undergrad in Psychi, national Honor Society. I was a lead presenter at the under undergrad site conference at, for doing a research study that, that me and the team conducted, and so I did pH. got accepted to every master's program, was driving a Camaro cool guy. Right? And it was crazy because internally I was still just such a mess. Mm-hmm. And so it really wasn't until. 23 where my whole life changed.
But I wanna pause there in case there's anything you wanna dig into in that, in that little life story.
No, I actually really want to talk about the 23 cuz I, I'm really curious on what triggered, what triggered the change and what the in internal work looked like to, to change that.
Perfect. Okay, so we'll jump on in. So my last two years of my master's program were the hardest, probably mental years of my life. I was really spiraling outta control. I was basically calling my therapist. I, I was at a place mentally where I was so unable to make a decision. that if a decision had to be made something serious, not something stupid, like what should I eat for dinner? Right? But something serious. Like, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. What do I say?
Or I have, you know, an issue with my friend, what do I do? Or you know, I confronted a teacher because I wasn't happy about something in the class. What do things like that, right? Things that I felt were big, big deals. And so my panic attacks, wars. I was having them very frequently.
I was having mental breakdowns properly once every few months, like just completely like out of it, spiraling, crying, hyperventilating, the, the whole ugly cry that, you know, everything that came with a nice good mental breakdown. Right. So I, I was really spiraling bad in my master's program. Right. And, and it's even funnier cuz it's like, oh, this. this guy's gonna be a therapist. And it's like, oh God. Right?
I, I think back to those times, it's like, wow, I I didn't know I would actually get to fix all of these issues, but I was just like, I'm gonna become a therapist with all of these issues. Mm-hmm. So it's, it's very relieving that I, I've kind of overcome a lot of these things. So what wound up happening was graduated 20. Got my master's and I had money in the bank. I quit both of my jobs and I decided to try and figure myself out and nothing was really working.
I went out, got myself a really nice, a new Camaro. I already had a Camaro, but I got a new one now. I got the brand new and, and it was so I'll never forget, right? It was the brand new. it didn't even come out yet. Like nobody had it. I had to go over to another state just to get it So I was the first one, like on my small little island in New York and Staten Island that had this. So when I would go to car meets, everyone was like, whoa. So I had that going for me. I started getting tattoos.
I had a hot girlfriend. Everything was great, man. Like life was good. but I was still miserable. Like internally life, internally, life sucked. And I was buying all these things and I was doing what I wanted and I was spending money like water. And I, I do regret that at this point. Well, I shouldn't say I regret it, but I would change it. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't do that again.
And I was just doing these things cuz I realized like I was trying to just make myself happy and that wasn't easy to do. And so, What wound up happening was one day during the summer I was in this moment of just complete, utter and total. Everything everything. It was frustration and anger and sadness and, and like rage and, and it was all just coming up, right? And I was so mad. I was, I was home alone and I lived, I lived at my parents' house at the time, right? So it's good.
I was home alone, and you'll hear why in a second. But I was home alone. I'm in the bathroom and I like slam my hands on the counter and I'm like, man, what's, what's wrong with me? Like, what, what is it? Like, why am I so, so? why am I so angry? Why am I sad? Why am I anxious? What's like, what's all of this stuff coming up for? Because my life is great. My life is legitimately awesome.
Like, I actually wouldn't trade it with people, but why is it that I'm still so miserable and I couldn't figure it out? And so I'll never forget. It was so funny because I, I had my head down right when I was like going through this moment. And then I looked up at myself and I was like, oh. I was like, your, I was like, I was like, you are Vincent. And that was the first time in seven years that I said my actual name. Mm-hmm. And that moment, it was almost, it is almost like magic, right?
I tell people, I'm like, if, if they were to make a Hallmark movie with the gold sparkles that just fly in at those magic moments, that would've been it, because I swear, 80, 80 to 90% of my anxiety, 80 to 90% of my depression just vanished in that moment, and I felt such a feeling of peace. Even telling this story, I still get chills down my spine. Mm-hmm. because I remember it like it was yesterday.
That feeling continues to rush back every time I tell this story and it's so beautiful and why I felt that, which I couldn't figure out at the time. But through retrospective introspection, I have figured out what actually occurred in that moment and what occurred in that moment. Radical self-acceptance. Everything that happened in my life has happened.
Everything that is currently going on in my life as a result of everything that's happened and everything that will happen in my life is now able to be owned and controlled by me. And I get to determine the trajectory of my life from this moment on if I should show shoes. And so what wound up coming up was not only that aspect of radical acceptance, but it was also. I like to talk about this term, Jocko Winks, right? Extreme ownership. Everything's your fault.
Everything that's happened, you can find a level of ownership in everything that will happen you can own. And then from there, without realizing it, I actually got into almost what I call internal leadership, right? Which is leadership isn't about a title or position. It's about. who you are and how you show up in this world. So I had a very honest conversation, and this is why I say it's great that nobody was in the house.
They would've called the gentleman with the straight jackets, because I'm sitting there and I'm like looking at myself in the mirror, and I'm just raw, raw and honest, man. I'm like, you are weak. You're a victim. You're depressed, you're anxious, you're, you have panic attacks. You're not inspiring. No one will follow you. People pity. you know, people look out for you because they're, they're concerned for you. You're nobody, nobody would ever follow you. You're not a leader.
You're not an inspiration. How are you even gonna help anyone? You can't even help yourself. And that was like the, the conversation that I had. And you know, some people hear me say this story and they're like, wow, you're really hard on yourself. I was like, There's a difference between being hard on yourself and being honest. You can't change anything in life if you can't get to a place of extreme openness and honesty. And for me, that was the raw moment, right? Because I think it was et.
Who says you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it might not have been him. I always mess up the motivational speakers. A lot of them sound the same to me cause they're all just yelling at you. But like he's like, all right, I'm ready. Then you're going back to real life and you're like, oh, It's like, damn, all of the changes is not happening. But. It was that moment for me, right? It was, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was sick and tired of being that person. And so that level of honesty that I had with myself, I needed that because after I said all that to myself, I then asked a few different follow up questions that were really important, and they said, is this who you want to be? Mm-hmm. you've been this. Virtually your whole life. I've been getting bullied and, and being the outsider since I, dude literally was in kindergarten. So now we're talking, I'm 23. So kindergarten, you're what? Five or six?
So I've been this, I've been this way for 16, 17 years. And the question was, do you want to do this for even another minute? Forget another 16, 17 years. Do you wanna do this another minute? And then if you really want a good question, do you want to do this? Let's just say you're blessed to live to a hundred. You wanna do this another what, 77 years That's a lot of time to suffer, right? Mm-hmm. So I was like, no, no, I don't. I start, I was answering my own questions.
I was like, no, I don't wanna do this anymore. Great. Who do you want? to be and I said, well, that's, that's pretty easy. I, I want to be inspiring. I wanna be a leader. I wanna be confident, I wanna be loving, I wanna be happy, I wanna be peaceful. I wanna be joyous. I wanna celebrate life. I wanna inspire others. I want people to follow me. I want to lead people to, to, you know, bettering themselves. I wanna lead myself to bettering myself and those that like that just poured out, right.
I. it's, it's my real self that was speaking. It was who I really am. And that I realized too, and that had been locked in there. That's why I talk about telling people to unlock your inner leader cuz it's in there. And so that was my inner leader coming out and he was like, I'm taking the reins now. I'm gonna tell you who you want to be. And then the next question I asked was just a very simple follow up. Says, great. So you wanna be all these things. What do you have to say?
What do you have to do? More importantly, who do you have to become? What do you have to make others? feel what would you do in different moments in life and how would you move from here? And as I started answering those questions, a lot of clarity came up. And then, at that moment, at that point, 23 years old, that was when I started changing my life. I decided my life is now mine to own. Walked into my therapist's office for our next session, and I sat down. He's like, what's new?
I was like, well, this is our last session. He's like, well, I wasn't expecting that it was one of those moments where I finally. I finally felt capable and ready to take my life into my own hands. And I realized like, if anyone was gonna change my life, it's now my time. It's in my. And so that day I walked in was the last day I ever sat foot in therapy ever. Like I still haven't been back to therapy, And I feel great. Life's amazing.
And it was that moment in the mirror at 23 that changed the whole trajectory of my life to put me here in front of you, Mike, and talk to you and your audience. And I've built this guy over a decent amount of time now, and I'm, I'm very proud to be able to share him with you. Yeah.
So let's, let's talk about it. Cause you know, what you're talking about is, you know, similar to, you know, what James Clear talks about where like you're setting, setting identity habits so you're like actually going like, what is the person that I want to be? And then one habits, you know, and like you said, you're a behaviors, how you act, how you feel, reflect that identity. So you make that decision. You know, changes, changes your life. What did you start to implement?
What did you start to do differently after you walked out, you know, of your therapist? Like, what did that next week look like? What did that next year look like? How did you start to act towards the person that you already are, but create that?
Well, the first thing I did was because I walked into therapy with my right foot forward. I left with my left foot, foot, not
Perfect. Write that down. Take notes guys.
No. I think the biggest thing that I started doing was I had to get, had to get very clear on what the character traits would manifest into what they would look like. So if you say, I want to be more, what does confidence look like? What would somebody who's confident, what would they do? What would they say? How would they stand? What would their posture look like? What might they make other people feel? In fact, how might they feel?
And you start asking these really, really good questions and I tell people, Hey, listen, if you don't know how to do it, one of the best techniques in cognitive behavioral therapies. Find somebody who has the results that you're looking for already, and then basically just do what they do until it becomes real for you. And it's not to say impersonate and I don't believe in fake it till you make it. I believe in believe it until you become it. Because fake it till you make its terrible notion.
You have to be clear on what it is that you want to achieve because you are gonna become it before it manifests in the world. Right? So what I'm talking about with that is if you say, I'm gonna be someone with confidence, you have to start doing the things that build confidence before people recognize you as confident. that's how you believe it. Before you become it, you have to embody it.
And then the world will just come to see you and know you as it, like, you might not get the, not the the notoriety for it just right away. You might go to a family party and everyone will still think you're that non-confident person because you just decided yesterday you're gonna be confident. maybe next year or in a few months, or even a few years, really depends how long your process is.
You're gonna walk into that family party and your cousins are gonna see you and your aunt and your uncle, and they're gonna be like, I don't know what it is, but something different about you. You, you seem more confident now and that's when you know you've achieved it, right? Because now it's recognizable through other people and you don't even have to say anything because you have embodied it so well from living it for so. that other people can finally say it. Mm-hmm.
And so I did that not just with confidence, but with like 30 other things, No,
it's interesting that you mentioned that about confidence. I had Michael Gervais on, he's an elite sports psychologist, basically works with a top like half percent of athletes in the world, and he talks about that. He, he says a very similar thing with fake it till you make it. He's like, the research doesn't back that up, but what it says is like your confidence comes from looking back. Pulling out, I have done something like this before. You know, I have a skill.
I have a strength in this area. And then you pull that into whatever you're doing at this moment. It comes actually from that mindset of, of looking back. And so I think that's interesting that you, that you mention it. So talk to us about, I mean, this kind of goes along with what, what you do and, and what you're talking about. You're, you have this identity, you're like, wow, I have this identity, all these different things.
How do I then, act this way, but you do a very specific thing with vision board and even the, you know, the term vision board can, you know, turn people off depending on what, you know, where they're coming from. So talk to, talk to us about what you do with Vision Board and how that's different, how it's based in research based in science, what that looks like.
Sure. So this, this is definitely a lot and I call my vision board a mission board because I think a vision sucks. I don't think a vision is actually powerful, but I think a vision, a mission is something you and other people can rally around, right? Like somebody says, ah, I have this vision of life, of what my life should be like. Kind of sounds a little, what? What's the word? Woo, woo. Fru. Whatever we want to use, right? Ethereal, A vision. Yeah. Ethereal. It's, listen, it's not wrong.
I can talk about the woo woo ethereal stuff all day. I love it, but it's not compelling. right? When you say, I have a vision, I mean, that could be anything you, you did. You have a dream, a dream's, technically a vision. It's just a vision of something that hasn't happened or something that's really weird, like zombies or something. So that's not, that's not anything important. But if you say, Hey, I have a mission.
Like I'll tell you, Mike, I'll tell you and the audience, my mission is to impact 1 billion people positively on this planet. Doesn't that sound a little bit more powerful, don't you like, can I be involved in vin's mission? Like, Mike, you're hosting me on here. If I help even one person on your podcast, you have joined me on my mission. You've helped me impact a billion lives. Isn't that cool? Isn't that strong? Isn't that mm-hmm. like, wow, let's do this. Let's get excited.
Like let's get everyone into it. That's why I decided to create it, and I call it a mission board. Because your mission board is encompassing not only what you want to achieve in life, who you're becoming, the evolution of the self and what you believe your purpose is, and how you're gonna leave your mark on this world. A lot of times vision boards tend to be a wall decoration. People spend more time making the thing than they do actually utilizing it as a powerful, effective tool.
They'll sit there and they'll make it pretty, it looks like a collage. There's 70 pitchers on it. I don't, they don't even remember what the first picture was. By the time they put the 70th on there. They go out, they get construction paper, they glue flowers to it. Whatever the flowers mean. I have no idea. But I got really fed up because I was like, I was like, these are so useless and, and, and there's a great concept, but people move away from them because they become dumb.
And eventually, aside from being some stupid wall decoration, they just become a doorstop that you forget about and then you'll look back on it in two years and be like, ah, I remember when I had dreams of a better life. Meanwhile, you're still doing the same thing day in and day out. Mm-hmm. and. my mission board is centered around a few things. I still tell people to put the vision of the photos or the things that you want to achieve and welcome into your life, right?
Because each one of those are going to require you to grow and evolve as a person, right? The point of a goal is never about the goal itself. The point of a goal is to challenge you to evolve into the person you need to become to live. If you don't have a million dollars in your bank account, it's not because you are a bad person, it's just because you are not yet the person capable of generating a million dollars. You haven't figured out a product or a service created something of value.
There's a lot of work you need to do on you to become that million dollar person, right? And, and it doesn't have to be about money either. Money's just the easiest description. What if you want to be an amazing. and you're like, my vision, my dream is to have this beautiful child who's so caring and loving, et cetera. Cool. So put a photo of your future child on your, on your board, and then put what attributes you'd like your ha your child to have.
You know why that's gonna shape your parenting style. So, it's gonna challenge you. If you want your daughter to be loving, you're gonna have to learn how to respond to her with love. Mm-hmm. You're gonna have to sit there and you're gonna have to really consciously parent and make sure you teach the things you want her to embody. So you see, it challenges you. These photos are supposed to challenge you to evolve in these ways.
And then what I tell people to do, Is put a present tense part of the believe it until you become it thing. Right? Put a present tense affirmation near it. So for instance, I have a fitness goal. I have a specific body type I would like to look like, and I don't put, oh, this is my body after hard work in years of dieting, I put, for instance, I could just read it to you. It says, my body, due to my dedication and hard work while embracing a healthy lifestyle.
Nowhere in there do I say, I haven't achieved this body. because the reason we shift the identity and use that type of present tense statement, I don't even want to call it an affirmation. I believe it's a present tense statement. The reason being is because you are basically saying what your identity is. And your identity, much like we were just talking about, your identity dictates your habits. Your habits dictate your lifestyle and your lifestyle is a result of who you believe yourself to be.
So it all goes full circle. Few other pieces for the, for the mission board is I love quotes. I encourage people to put up about four to six quotes. This way you have timeless pieces of wisdom that if you truly embody, can change the way you live Your. One of the biggest life-changing quotes for me came from Marcus Aurelius, where it says, be strict with yourself and tolerant of others. Mm-hmm.
And I love that quote because I used to have trouble putting my expectations on other people because I'm a very high performing people person. And so, we know, and I don't want to trash talk anyone, nor do I believe it is, but we know not everyone's a high performer. Not everybody wants a ton out of life. And so because I do, I have very strict standards and very high standards for myself, it would put a lot of strain on my relationships to do that to other people.
And so I had to learn, be strict with yourself, but tolerant of others, but. I would've never really started thinking about that if I didn't find that quote first, right? Mm-hmm. So put the quotes up as something you wanna learn and more importantly, embody. That's the point of putting quotes. And then the last piece, which really, really ties my mission board together is now, if you're a business owner, you should have two. But if you're not, you can have one or two as optional.
But I put mission, vision, and value statements from my personal self and my business. and the reason I do that, kind of like what we're talking about, creating the identity, who am I? What are my titles that I hold? Well, for me, I'm a father, I'm a son, I'm a boyfriend, I'm an entrepreneur, right? I have all these different titles, and then it's about asking what is my mission? and what is my vision for my life? And the people in it, right? Cause you gotta include them.
And then what are the values I will uphold as a man, as Vin, right? As the person I am in front of you. What will I uphold to live a truly fulfilling and amazing life? And then I also do that for my business, right? How do I show up as a, as a coach, mentor, therapist, keynote, speaker, all these titles I have, how do I show up? What's the mission of my company? Why do I do what I do? What's the vision? Where am I going? And then again, what are the values I hold as a coach, et cetera.
And I would always say too, to people is like, you'll probably have some overlap, right? Like, you'll have overlap based on who you are as a person and then what you're doing. But business is usually a reflection of the individual. Mm-hmm. So you're going to, like, would you, would you say that it's not important to be someone who has integrity in your personal. and then go to business. It's like, nah, I don't need, I. Of course you do. Like, all right, let a, let a little overlap occur.
That's okay. This way we know integrity is a top tier value through and through, and so that's how I've built out this mission board and I encourage everyone to do it and there's a lot more science behind it than I I explained because there's just so much here and. I also feel I need to take a second from talking. So you could go Mike
No, it's about you. It's about you. That's why I, that's why I have you on. No, I think it's, it's incredibly powerful. There's a, there's a really good book and you probably, you know, read it be your Future Self Now, Dr. Dr. Benjamin Hardy and he, he talks about that you're basically, That's the person I want to be, you know? Or that I am, you know, the fu the future person that I, that I am. Mm-hmm.
And then, you know, like, again, backstage kind of James, clear, every habit that you do is a vote towards the person that you, that you really are. And so you go, what habits do I wanna vote? Like I wanna put in my ballots, I'm gonna cast my votes. This person over and over and over and over again. So you talked about the, you know, big picture, the vision kind of things. What do people do?
Like once they have that in place, they have the, you know, these are the six things that I wanna put up there. This is the, the quotes. How do they then create the skills and the habits necessarily to realize that? What's the process for
that? Sure. So a mission board shouldn't be utilized on it. I think it's pretty useless by itself, really. I, I, I can't see any reason for anyone to have this wall decoration. You can't convince me otherwise. Like, what is it gonna do if you just look at it every day like, oh, wow, I, I really like that car up there. Yeah. Like, great, what, what how do you get the car man? Right. And so it's, it's about challenging yourself to look at it and say, okay, how can I be more of the.
That I've committed to my mission, vision, and value statements, right? How can I embody that more and more every single day? Because like you could always become more of yourself. You could always become more valuable. You could always become a better loving person. You could always become more caring, more empathetic, whatever. Whatever your values are, you could always become more of it. So challenge yourself every single day to do something that gets you closer to that.
Even if, if you wanna just focus on one, like if you're like, I am someone who really values love, but you have trouble with that. Okay. Every day challenge yourself to go out and just do an act of love or kindness for somebody without wanting anything in return, right? Like that could be a challenge every single day. Doesn't matter what it is, even if it's something as something as simple as stupid, as like walking up to a random stranger in the stream. Be like, I love your shoes. Great.
Cool. Do that. Become love and become more and more every day. Number two is with the goals that you have on there, t tangibly. You don't have to do timelines. I actually have come to learn that the highest performing and most successful people I work with, nobody has a timeline. They don't exist. Those things are exist when there's somebody who's like in a nine to five.
But when you are really successful, really high performing, you learn there's no need for a timeline because those things will happen once you become that person, right? Mm-hmm. So now it's just about dedicating yourself to the process. So the process looks. Maybe monthly, weekly, daily activities. I don't even wanna say goals, but monthly, weekly, daily activities. Okay? I want to get, I wanna make a million dollars. Cool. What do you have to do? How?
Like how much money do you need to make a month? And how much money do you need to make a week? Or how much money do you wanna make a day? Right? Like you would know how you're aiming to make a million dollars. Now the question is, what do I need to. where do I need to be? Who do I need to sell to? How much do I need to sell? What if I broke that down into a monthly goal? And then what if I aim to do it weekly?
And then what if I aim to do something that would help me get towards that million dollars daily? See, because now what we're doing is we're creating a strong process for you, and you're gonna parrot by just looking up and being like, okay, I have a goal. For instance, for me, get more speak engagements. Okay? How many speak engagements do I want? How much do I wanna charge per speaking engagement? How much would I like to make overall for the year from speaking engagements?
How many people do I want to impact through speaking engagements? Where would I need to be? How big's the stage? Who has the money that could pay me for this? Where would I volunteer any? How many would I volunteer? right? So you see how like you could get really super intricate and in depth with each photo on there. And that's why I tell people too, no more than six to eight, you don't need 30 photos.
You just need a few things to really totally dedicate yourself to, and so that, that's another part. It's journaling. And then of course, let's talk about visualization. visualization. Fascinating, right? The subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between something you're visualizing. or reality, it can't, it really can't. It's truly fascinating the, the research that they have on this. So when you're visualizing what you're doing is kind of like what we were talking about before.
You are bringing your future self into your present. You are actually embodying that person now, as opposed to saying, oh, in 10 years when I get the car, or the million dollars, or the chisel body, then I'll be that, right? It's like, no, you're gonna visualize, you're gonna see yourself. If we're using, for instance, the physical goal that I have, I'm gonna close my eyes. I'm gonna see myself having that physique that I am very intentional about creating. Right?
then one of the biggest ways that people get to reach their goals, very successful people know that it's all about the long-term focus, but it's hard to stay long-term focused if you feel like crap in the. because we act out of a pain pleasure matrix, right? That pain pleasure matrix is we seek out pleasure, we avoid pain, and we try to conserve energy. So now if you're saying, Hey, to get this better body, I need to sacrifice donuts and.
Cheeseburgers and pizza and ice cream and all the good stuff. I can't go out drinking. I need to sleep early. All of a sudden you're building up all of this pain in the present, and that short-term pain is what causes people to quit on their goals. probably 90 plus percent of the time, right? So what we want to do by visualizing is we want to get that image, that very clear, concise vision of you with that body you dream of. And we want to bring it into your life right now.
And what we're doing more importantly, is we're creating the feeling because we will move towards a long-term pleasure if it is pleasurable enough. So now, instead of it being like, oh, I'm gonna sacrifice in the present, it's more. Yeah, I'm gonna sacrifice in the present because I felt what it's. To be in that dream body. I felt what it's like to have the confidence, to have the happiness, to wear the shirt I wanna wear, to go out on the beach and not be like, Ooh.
To really get yourself into that. And once you start changing and getting yourself into that state of mind, it's actually harder to fail at your goals. And successful people know this, successful people know that the emphasis is when you create the person you want to become in the present, you're more likely to continue to stay in alignment with it.
Cuz again, you've embodied the identity and now it helps you overcome adversities and obstacles because you have a clear, concise idea of what you're moving towards. And the process is a lot palatable.
Yeah, I mean, just a ton, a ton to unpack with what, what you said really, really key points that I wanna wanna highlight. One, one, you talked about you, so you have the vision board and that's essentially like an outcome. An outcome goal. And the thing with outcome goals is like you can't directly control it. Like, if we could directly control immediately being, you know, getting a six pack abs, then everybody would immediately have six pack abs.
what you're talking about is you're, you take this outcome goal and you're shifting it to behavioral goals and habit goals, and you're going, what behaviors? Like I can directly control how much exercise I get for the most part, right? Mm-hmm. even. Mm-hmm. Even if you can't go to the gym, like you can still find five minutes, two minutes, whatever it is, you know, I can control that. I can control what I'm putting into my.
So you change that outcome into behavioral goals and then you, then you optimize for that and that's really important. But then the other point that you talked about that I, I also want to emphasize, and it aligns, you know, with everything with neuroscience and everything like that, you know, the dopamine reward system is you have to tie. Pleasure into what you are doing.
You know, and even like you're talking about when you break the habits from year, month, down to daily, I've actually started doing this where I have celebration habits, you know, so, so often we beat ourselves down, but, and we're like, I didn't get enough done today. I didn't do X, y, and z, da da, da, da.
Where now I go, instead of like my daily review, my weekly review, I go, I'm gonna celebrate everything that I did because that celebration is linking pleasure to the accomplishment of, you know, again, the ballot, putting that votes in towards who I want to be. So, very, very important points that I wanna, I wanna highlight there in terms of how you make this a reality. So you talked a little bit about some of the challenges.
I'm, I'm curious, like, you know, let's say big things come up or small things, accumulation of small things sometimes. Challenges either externally or internally, that's that try to challenge like, okay, you say you're this, but you know, this came up. What are your advice for, and again, it depends on the challenge, but what are your advice for things like that, you know, external challenge. How do people navigate the setbacks?
You know, the internal and the external challenges that they face in terms of creating, you know, who, who they want to want to be.
Mm-hmm. I, I think the biggest thing that gets people stuck is the internal belief that it's who they are. Everything comes down to the story you tell yourself, right? Is you believe yourself. Like I was having this conversation with a client literally the other day where they were telling me they're anxious and I'm like, stop. Just stop. And they're like, what do you mean just stop? I was like, no, no. Stop saying that. like, I'm not telling you to stop having anxiety.
I'm telling you to listen to your language and stop that because you continue to say that you're anxious. But the reality is, is you're not anxious. Right? Like you're defining yourself as anxiety. and you're not making it separate. You're saying, this is who I am. I am anxious. That's like the same as if you were to walk up to me instead of saying, I am Mike, you're just like, I am anxious. really well, nice to meet you. Anxious. I'm Vin and we do that.
So we, we identify and hold on these identities that keep us stuck. And so I had to make a very clear distinction to him. I was like, we need to have a better conversation. You're no longer allowed to say I am anxious. You have to from here on out today and for the rest of your life Now, because this is the process, you have to say your name, like I, I'm, I'm gonna just use a different name for, for, you know, integrity's sake and confidentiality. But let's just say you have to say your name.
You have to say, hi, I'm John. I am currently having a moment in time where I am in experiencing the anxiety sorry, the emotion of. that is such a different statement and conversation than saying, hi, I'm anxious. That's so different because what you're doing is you're allowing yourself to understand that you are not your emotions. First up, feelings aren't facts. They're just indicators.
So if you believe that you're this feeling, if you say, I am anxious, you can't actually figure out why you're anxious. You can't really get to the indicator, so to speak. But if you could begin to separate yourself and say, I am just John, and I'm having a moment where I am experiencing the emotion of anxiety that allows you to get really curious and say, well, why am I experiencing this moment of anxiety? In fact, if you educate yourself, you also know that anxiety is there to help you.
Anxiety is there because it's telling you you are perceiving a threat in your environment. And though we no longer have to worry about living in caves and fighting off Sager Saber, two tigers, anxiety still functions the same, just like it functioned for the caveman who is afraid of death. It is still functioning that exact same way in 2023. And so you need to understand that your body has these illogical, though at one point, important but illogical currently for the most.
processes and they work, but they're not that good. Like let's compare it to a computer. Anxiety is a 2010 computer running in 2023, the computer had a purpose, and it still does to some degree, right? It could still run the programs. It's just not gonna be as efficient or good. So when you start becoming more conscious and you start creating that distinction between, you are not your emotions, you are just experiencing them, you're now able to separate yourself.
You're able to pull yourself out of it. You're able to give yourself a better perspective, a better understanding. And with that, you're able to create multiple breakthroughs as to why are you feeling this. And then you could challenge it in multiple ways. You can. You can test where your limiting beliefs came from. You can do a reality test of cases for and against the emotion you're feeling to see if it's logical or illogical.
You can begin to ask yourself, in fact, just complete, I don't wanna feel anxiety. What would I rather feel? right? Like what would I actually value? What would I actually value? Feeling happiness, ex enthusiasm, joy, excitement, doesn't matter. But start asking what you do want. Because one thing that's very key is also knowing like where focus goes, energy flows and if you shift that change your whole life.
Super. Yeah. Super important. Super important. Like you talk about focus, like where your focus is really important. You've, you've also mentioned, and you, you're welcome to jump into it a little bit more, but you mentioned the power of language and how that shapes our reality. Can you talk, and you could dive into language too if you want, but talk also about our physiology and our posture and how that can, how that we can leverage that as a tool
sure. I'll do language first cuz it's super quick and then I'll jump into the posture and positioning language is a very interesting one because language really just comes down to how you describe life. And the way you describe things is very dependent on your belief systems, right? Because descriptions are unique. one of the biggest things that is so important to me, and, and if you ask any of my clients, they'll tell you I am a real stickler for language and I will literally annoy them.
They, I have had people who I've had to explain it is not a waste of time in session to talk about the thing you just said. and they're like, well, I don't think it's a big deal. And I'm like, I get it. But that's part of the problem. It is a big deal. The fact that you said this means there's some belief in there that you believe this, like that this is real for you. Mm-hmm. you have to understand your language is not a coincidence. You're not gonna come out and say things you don't believe.
The problem is you're so unaware. And so my clients, I've, I've had to like re redirect like, okay, listen, I get it. You may think this is unimportant, but one, you have to trust me because. like, why are you paying me to tell me I'm wrong? And number two. And, and number two is, is like, I'm asking you to trust me here because I have your, your investment in yourself is the investment in my expertise, right?
So if I'm telling you there's something here, I would like you to, to be open enough and honest and curious enough to explore it because I'm telling you, it'll lead down a very interesting path. And so this is honestly a hump that I have to overcome with a lot of clients because they really don't see the importance to it, which I find crazy, right? Mm-hmm. like I had a client the other day and he texted me and he said, Hey, hey, VIN.
I did you know, cuz we, we started a session before with breathwork because he wasn't present and he needed, you know, one of the goals is to work on presence and I felt like he wasn't grounded. So I wanted to do some grounding work with him. So I said, we're gonna take a pause. We're gonna do some breath work to build presents before our session starts. Okay? So we did that for like eight minutes, right?
And so he texted me and said, Hey, VIN, just wanna let you know I already, I'm, I'm gonna do the breath work before the session. This way we don't waste time in session doing it. You're already laughing cuz you know, you know. Then I spent 10 minutes talking to him about why he couldn't waste time. And I was like, you know, this in theory is wasting time, isn't it? Right. But, but, but the reality is, right? Like there is a belief system in there.
You are telling me you don't want to do an exercise that's gonna make you present. You said one of your main goals is to develop presence and here you are texting me, saying I don't wanna waste my time. We had to have a conversation around that because I had to understand why do you say this is a waste of time? And it's like, no, I didn't mean it that way. And I'm like, I'm not asking how you meant it. I want to ask why you chose those words specifically.
And so we wound up having a great conversation around that. Right. But that's something that's really powerful and really important because that was a belief that he had right there and, and we got to the root of it. It was a great conversation. Session was great too, but. You see, these are the things some people won't pay attention to. Sometimes you might even have a coach that will just kind of let that slide and be like, dude, totally get it. You don't wanna waste your time with bad work.
No worries. We'll dive into what's really important, not me. I'll be like, see, the fact that you just said that, that's really important. That's a big tell. Mm-hmm. And so we need to have a conversation about that. So language is extremely paramount. It shows how you view life. It shows what your experience is. It it dictates the way you are also experiencing life because it's part of your descriptions.
So everything you're saying is tied very deeply to an identity, a belief, and and can shape the whole trajectory of your future based on just what you say. And then the other piece that you wanted me to discuss was physiology. Mike, if you and I went over to Russia right now, do you, you don't by chance speak Russian, do you? No. no. Okay, cool. So if you don't speak Russian, Mike and I said, Hey, let's go on a trip. We're gonna go to Russia and I want you to, let's just walk around the town.
And I want you to point out anyone that looks depressed. Eventually you're gonna be like, oh, VIN, tap me on the shoulder and be like, that guy right there. That dude's the depressed. I'd be like, I thought you don't speak Russian. He'd be like, well, I don't. Well, how didn't you know Mike? Well, you know, he's, he's kind of, he's, he's inwards. He's, he looks like he's, he's got a frown face on. He kind of like, his eyes look a little puffy maybe. He's been crying.
He's just, his, his breathing is really shallow. I observed. He's, he's very strong. His shoulders are forward. He's hunched in, like, just doesn't look like a happy. and I'd be like, well, Mike, how could you make such a bold assumption? And then you'd probably say, well, Vin I could tell if someone's depressed. The reality is, is that. Depression, anxiety, every emotion we have, happiness, joy, everything. It all has a physical look. Your physiology is the embodiment of your emotional state.
In fact, physiology has a bigger impact on your emotional state than your thoughts do, because the reality is your thoughts are dictated by your emotions, and your emotions are embodied in your physiology. So if you start changing your physiology, you shift your emotions. If you shift your emotions, you could shift your thoughts. If you shift your thoughts, Mike, you change your life.
And so your physical A attributes and the things you do physically will also shift the things that you're experiencing in your internal world. And so positioning and posture is super important. I I've noticed even for myself when I get depressed or when I have these, these moments where I just feel sad, one of the first things I do is I look at myself and I'm like, whoa. Like sit your ass up. and then, and, and then change your tone. Like talk with more authority. Right?
Get yourself louder, be bigger than your emotion. And then I will also, you know, be very conscious of how's my breathing. Start taking a little bit more of a full of breath, sit up very well, head straight, embody somebody who's not depressed and start shifting just through that. Something change. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's really fascinating how quickly we can change. Our states, Yes, based on changing our, our physiology. You know, you think that some of these things take, take a long time, but you can change them by changing your physiology and changing your focus and, you know, changing the stories that you have and that changes how you feel very, very quickly. So, very powerful. Tools that can, that can sometimes be overlooked. So, fantastic.
This has been jam-packed, full of, you know, lovely, wonderful, wonderful stuff. You know, we have a good idea. I usually ask the question at the end, good idea around like, success, but we have a good idea. You want to impact a billion souls in your life. Where can people go to participate in that impact that you're doing,
Well, I would love for people to throw me a follow on Instagram, it's where I'm most active. I post tons of free content, which if I do say so myself, Mike, it's pretty. Good I, maybe I'm biased. Yeah, I would love for people, love for people to check out my Instagram, it's vin.infante you could also find me on TikTok, vin.infante you could go to my LinkedIn, vin infante and you could also check me out. Go to my website, www.vincentinfante.life.
Guys, as a little bit of a treat the mission board description that I gave is a free resource you guys can download straight from my website. Just go to the resource tab, put in your email, and boom, it's yours. And, and yeah, you guys can reach me anywhere. If you have any questions, please DM me on Instagram. I always answer or even just send an email. It's Vincent@Vincentinfante.life so I'm around
Perfect. Really appreciate, you know, appreciate the conversation and appreciate the, the tools and, and tactics cuz you know, a lot, I mean, people just pick one, you know, take one of the things that he said and just go, how can I implement this now? And observe, you know, observe how you feel differently just doing one of the tools that he mentioned. So thanks again for your time. Really, really appreciate it. It was a, it was a fun conversation.
Thanks for having me, Mike. It's been great.
Before you go, I would love it if you actually just shared this episode with a friend. I'm sure while you were listening, someone just popped in your head and you're like, oh, they would probably like this as well. So it's really easy. You just click the share button on either the website or whatever podcast platform you're on and send it over to 'em, and chances are they'll probably like it too. Until next time, keep engineering your success.