What Saved the American Bison

we we saw one at that animal preserve. There was like a bear and a bison and they were fighting. This little depressing next year, but they are supposedly rescued animals. Um at this animal petting zoo, this wild game petting zoo. And that was a smart bison because he had learned to go to the little shoot where you would put his food. And wasn't he doing something too? He's manipulating it somehow sounds like it, or he was trying to

manipulate us into giving him some food. I can't remember there's some manipulation involved, because I remember thinking like, huh, bisons are very manipulative animals. Jerks. I have a story for you to start this one. If you like that. That sounds great, Chuck. Have I ever told you about my one glorious football story. I've heard little bits about your football experience, that you were a bigger kids. He

played on the line, and that's about all I can remember. Okay, Well, as a child, I went to Beverly Elementary School and I played football for them. Uh And the way it was in Toledo was you would play for your elementary schools team when you got the middle school. Interesting, so you could play your last year of elementary school sixth grade, but then you could keep playing through seventh and eighth grade, but it was for your elementary school. It was weird.

But so I played for Beverly Elementary, which meant I was Beverly Iison. And I was probably the kid on the team that must resemble the Bison because I was a pretty big, fat kid and I was aligneman. And um, I sucked at football because no one ever explained any strategy to me. It wasn't until college that I understood that football even had strategy. Old technique, Yeah, I thought it was just like block that guy right right. Um, So I didn't teach you to swim, move nothing. They

taught me nothing. It was literally like just stand there and don't let that guy through. That's what I was taught. Failed by all coaches. Um. Anyway, I did have one shining moment. Right I was eighth grade. I was third string. We were playing the Colts. I can't remember what school, but they were the worst team, and uh we were. We had the game in hand and the Colts were all like just three and a half foot tall, little

pint sized kids. So we had the game in hand. Um, it was late in the game and they put me in as a defensive lineman. Right to you're the biggest guy on the team and your third string. I am at this point the biggest guy on the field. But yes, I was third strict grade two. Um, so they at this point in the biggest guy in the field and they put me in and um, and I'm I'm like, I pointed to the quarterback. I'm like, I'm gonna I'm coming for you. They put two guys on me. Right

the quarterback hikes the ball. He's he's appropriately nervous because I'm staring at him. He knows like I'm gonna get to him. One way or the other. This is like my my last chance, right, these two guys come at me, these two offensive linemen. I just grabbed both of the bachelor helmets and just push him down, like right underneath, but go right through him. Yeah. I don't like after this is the coach, You're like, maybe we should put this kid in, you know, earlier in the season. Anyway,

I um, I push. I just get through both of the guys who are who are on me? I go, is it? Well, that's what I did. I go right to the quarterback, didn't tackle him. I picked him up and threw him down. I didn't even like stagger. I just picked the just kid up and through them. And I turned around. I was like, yeah, you know what I didn't know is I caused a fumble and one of our guys picked up and ran it in for a touchdown. I didn't find out until after that the

play was over. So your line cheat that day was once one play, one sack, one force fumble. Yeah that's awesome. Yeah, and a touchdown as a result of the fumbles. So that was my big story as Beverly Bison. And that is the the the intro. I guess you could say to this, what happened to bring the Bisons back from the verge of extinction. I think that might have helped the cause. I think it did too. Perhaps I've always had an infinity affinity for Bisons ever since playing for

the Beverly Bisons. But I think we should probably start out, chuck, what what's Some people might be like, I've heard a buffalo, but I don't know what a bison is. Well, if you've heard of a buffalo and you're an American, you've heard a bison, pal you're confused. That's right right here in the States, they're bison. Technically, they're pretty in are changeably. You know, you can call him a buffalo. But technically a buffalo is a cape buffalo or water buffalo, and

they're native to Africa and Asia. The bison's native to here in the United States, North America typically specifically, and the word buffalo comes from the French. Seventeenth century explorers encountered these things and said, let both what is that beef? It means oxen or beeves whatever, beavis be e e v e s is what I said, Okay, And then uh, the English folks arrive later and change it to La buff and then Buffalo, then Buffaler, than Buffio and eventually

they settled on Buffalo. So that's where we're at now, that's where right now. But so they're both members of the Boviday family. UM, and they're very much related. But yes, one lives in Asia and Africa, one lives in North America. And we've got two um types of buffalo or bison I'm sorry. In North America. We've got the wood bison, which is the smaller the two, and then the planes bison, which is the big, the big daddy. Yeah. And they you know, if you've ever seen the one with the

big hump, that's the wood bison. The planes bison has the flat back, more distinctive cape, and a more well developed beard in throat main. Is that right? So the one with the big hump is the wood bison because the hump from ground to hump can get up to like six ft tall. Yeah, that's huge. Uh. Let's talk numbers first, like sheer numbers. UM. In two thousand seven they did a bison census and the number on private ranches was add to thirty four. That is significantly more

than it was a century earlier. UM. About two d and twenty thousand in Canada, and about twenty and of these bison in the United States and Canada are roaming free on public land, and close to a half a million total herd in North America today. But at one point, the chuck in about eight there were maybe in all of North America five hundred of these things five hundred, and those five hundred were federally protected on federally protected land.

Prior to that, say, I think it was in Lost Part Colorado, UH, poachers killed four bison, UH, and those four represented the last unprotected free roaming bison herd in the in North America and thus ended what was called the Great Slaughter, which we'll get to in a second. But let's go even further back to really get to to the the the point about how few five hundred bison is in like say ere, you have to understand how many there were in say seventeen hundred. I've seen

estimates is high as sixty million. That far back. Oh yeah, chew on this pal I saw an estimate as high as a hundred millions. Yeah, normally the accepted number UM was proposed by a guy named Um Shepherd crushed the third, he's an anthropologist from Brown University in he came up with an estimate of thirty million. And if you're an anthropologist or a wildlife biologist, or just a bison enthusiast, you're probably gonna go with thirty million. At any given time,

there were thirty million pre European um settlement. There are thirty million bison roaming North America at any given time. Well, they were the largest large mammal in the United in North America, the largest uh population at one point. But they're also the largest physically. They were about two thousand pounds. The average mail is about two thousand pounds. And they're quick too. They can get up to like thirty five miles an hour. Two thousand pounds thirty five miles an hour.

And there are thirty million of these things running around. That's a ton. That's that's a lot of times tons. Yeah, and they spanned They obviously made their home most abundantly in the Great Plains because there was lots of great virgin grassland that was packed with vitamins and minerals, which allowed it to grow back really fast after it was eaten. From Canada to northern Mexico, tons and tons of buffalo. So, um, there's something interesting if you've read that pops up towards

the end of the book. I know I keep going back to this well, but it is it is really wet. It's a consistent thread. Um there were there. There's this whole idea that what the settlers out west around the plains encountered and took to be like a wild state, like the natural wild state of tens of millions of

buffalo running everywhere, was actually a freak of nature. Right that you have um an apex predator in any ecosystem, and if you remove the apex predator, all the other all the other UM species are allowed to just boom right in on the great planes. The apex predator was man human in the form of Native Americans who were removed from the ecosystem, and without the Native Americans to effectively manage the herb populations and the prairie lands, UH,

buffaloes were allowed to explode to unnatural population numbers. So there's an idea that what we took and still to the state consider was a natural population of thirty million was actually far far less than that. Prior to the Colombian exchange. Really Yeah, very interesting? Didn't that interesting? Either way? They're probably about thirty million buffalo roaming the Great Planes in state seventeen hundred. That number dropped dramatically starting about

eighteen twenty, right, yeah, with the Great Slaughter. Uh pre um, Well we'll get to the horse. Pre horse. Dating back to prehistoric times, there was what was known as buffalo jumps. Did you see this? So buffalo jumps are were when they would Native Americans would herd buffalo down these narrow shoots and run them off a cliff like lemmings like lemmings, and it would break their legs. I mean not such a cliff that it would you know, destroy the animal completely.

It would just break their legs so they couldn't move. And then they would you know, they had guys waiting down there with spears and stuff and clubs to kill them. And it was sort of like the first factory farms that was where they were would get large abundance over and over abundance of buffalo meat and pelts and all

the stuff that they use. And uh. There is today in Canada a World Heritage Site called head Smashed in Buffalo Jump, and it is one of the oldest and largest and best preserved buffalo jumps known to exist today. And if you go to their website, it has a little animation of buffalo like lemmings like running and then falling off a cliff, over and over and over. Right, And I should also insert here that Chuck and I are both fully aware that lemmings don't naturally run over

the cliff. That that was actually the producers of the Walt Disney documentary that created that myth and drove those poor lemmings over the cliff. That's true. Yeah, I'm glad you said that because we heard about that. Uh So, at any rate, they were buffalo jumps. That was a way to get lots and lots of buffalo dead quickly. And if you live in Alberta, you can go see the head smashed in Buffalo Jump for a mere ten dollars for an adult. And not only if you live there,

if you're visiting there you could do it too. That's right. But the Native American had a I mean, I know the white man is blamed for it, and they largely are responsible for the mass slaughter, but the Comanche Indian in the eighteen thirties were killing close to three hundred thousand bison a year, which was not a sustainable number. Right.

That's actually a very hot topic. Um. You know, there's the idea that the Native Americans are the noble savage um, and then there's also evidence that they're not, that they weren't. There was this thing called bison overkill. Um. They also believe that that's what happened to the mastodon and the sabretooth tiger and that they were basically hunted to extinction um by like the Clovis people, and the Clovis people in turn became extinct as well. It's like a highly

debatable topic of over exactly what happened. But if that's true, then that means that bison have always been over hunted because if the Commanche were doing that, and apparently it takes six to seven bison to to for a person to subsist a year, six bison per person per year. Yeah, but that's without agriculture, Like, that's just living on bison. Can you imagine your your stool productions just like bison

break for the spic and the eggs bison burgers. Yeah, and I would imagine your sweat smells like vinegar because apparently you have a high protein, low carb diet, you sweat vinegar. It is gross, believe me. The railroad industry was also a great threat to the bison because the bison were a threat to the railroad industry. And you

know who won that war. Well, there's a guy um named Frank Row who who wrote a book in nineteen seventy two called the North American Buffalo, and he cites um a train that was headed west in eighteen fifty that had to wait for three days for a herd of bison to cross the track them and they weren't necessarily slow moving. There's just that many bison. Um. So yeah, we reached the point now where the the White Man has entered the picture, the Winchester fifty aliber rifles under

the picture, and the horses under the picture. So all of these factors that would lead to the near extinction of bison have all come together and converged on the Great Planes and they are about to unleash holy hell on the bison population, the Great Slaughter. So do you, like, have you heard about the Great Slaughter? Do you know some things about it? I know that they could have been potentially killing like two hundred thousand buffalo per day.

At one point, they had contests, Chuck, they were buffalo killing contests the railroads, like you said, to get rid of this bison problem. They also figured out how to make money by hosting hunting expeditions where you never left the train. The trainer just drives slowly and you would shoot. It's also in dead Man. Oh yeah, Um, that was real. They had bison killing contests. There's a man who holds

the record in eighteen seventy Helo Bill. No, no, he had Buffalo Bill beat A man named Thomas C. Nixon of Kansas set the record in eighteen seventy, killing one and twenty bison in forty minutes. Buffalo Bill supposedly killed many, many thousands himself. He was hired to do that. Um and hides were going for two dollars ahead and in the winner of eighteen seventy two to seventy three, just the winner one point five million buffalo hides. Bison hides

were shipped back east by train. Well. I do know at one point that they said that the big hunters were using two guns because they were shooting them so fast, they had to let one gun cool down, and so they just picked up the fresh gun so they wouldn't have to stop killing. Yeah, at first, like they were shooting him for meat, and then buffalo hide, bison hide became all the rage, not just back East but in Europe as well. Demand increase, so they're like, oh, well,

let's you know, we'll just leave the meat there. We don't need the meat. There's millions of these things, rotting carcasses everywhere. Um And as if this couldn't get worse, as if it couldn't get worse, right, So the poor bison population, possibly if there was bison overkill, their apex predators removed, they're allowed to bloom, and then a new, even more damaging apex predator comes in starts killing indiscriminately

like they've never seen before. The one of the reasons why they had bison killing contests was not just for the railroad, but it was because the um federal government in whites in general figured out that the planes Indians subsisted on bison take away. The bison take away the food supply. You civilized the Indian. So that was one reason why bisons were hunted to near extinction with so such glee was because it was serving a larger purpose of bringing the Indians into the fold as well. So

there's a way to tame the West. We're starving them. So again we get down to what five bison that are finally protected. Um, and it's starting in nineteen o six. Who who is responsible for this? Uh, nineteen oh five environmentalist he might have heard of by the name of Teddy Roosevelt and William Hornaday, who was a zoologists, poet, can conservationist, songwriter, realtor evidently thought that was odd. That is not well, you gotta make money somehow because those

other ones aren't doing so. Uh. He was a really top notch conservationists actually. But um, William Hornaday and Teddy Roosevelt formed the American Bison Society nineteen o five because they were like, wait a minute, these things are remember all those buffalo that used to be out there that aren't there anymore? Like this might be a problem. They're like, what are we gonna hunt? And so we're better to send them plus send them to the Bronx in New

York City, the Great Plains of the Bronx. Yeah, and it definitely got him out of the hands of poachers. Uh and kidding aside, though the bronx who was a great place for them to send some species for uh reproducing. And Yellowstone National Park was established as a as a preserve and the New Yorkers got to sit there and watch bison getting it on. I guess so nicol ahead, nick boy, not a buffalo, nickel uh huh uh. They also uh the night created the federal government created the

National Bison Range in Montana. But these weren't the efforts that ultimately did a lot to increase the numbers. No, because you know what, although they were protected, and Congress actually did pass an act um, the Federal Park Protective Act. I believe that said if you poach buffalo, you're in big trouble. Um, they were never listed as endangered. Yeah, I wonder why I couldn't get a reason there, So

I don't know either. But they were clearly close to being in danger, but they were never listed, so they didn't enjoy that full protection. So Roosevelt, he he had a pretty good effort by establishing the Park Service, yellow Stone had a protected heard. You had him in the Bronxoo, you had him in Oklahoma, you had him in in um South Dakota. But none of these, like you said, led to the real resurgence, the the um, the resurgence

in the bison population in North America. What did, though, Chuck, Well, maybe we should talk about well, yeah, sure, what did uh? Private landowners? Head Turner, head freaking turner. Yeah, he was the one responsible for bringing the bike the bison back from the near extinction. He's one of my heroes. Should we just give a few Turner stats here? The second

largest private landowner in North America. He's got about two million acres of ranch land and uh fifteen ranches and seven states that are all bison ranches, active working bison ranches, and I believe he manages about fifty thousand head of bison himself, himself, by hand himself. Well, Jane helped out while they were together, and he opened his I'm sorry. He purchased his first bison in seventy six and opened his first bison ranch in seven, which makes me wonder

where did he keep that bison for eleven years? Did he just like take it everywhere with him in the backseat or he had plenty of land. There was no shortage of space for that one bison. But I think he to answer your question, he kept it at his mansion in Buckhead, UM. If you want to learn more about Ted Turner's um, he has many ongoing projects to

save the species. You can go to www dot t E s F dot org and he's I mean a lot of this is obviously for for raising bison to sell two stock his Ted's Montana grills with fresh bison steaks and burgers. But it still helps the conservation, well, it does. I mean, whether they're free roaming or um commercially raised. If you are just looking at the hard numbers of bison populations in the US, they are not in injured anymore. And it's because they're so delicious that

there is. That's the reason why they're not endangered. Well, and one of the cool things about the bison is it's it's across the board. The National Bison Association prohibits the use of sub therapeutic antibiotics, growth hormones, and animal byproducts. So it's not like, oh, this one calform says we shouldn't inject them with hormones. It's all all bison in the US, and they are very nutritional compared to cow beef. They I don't need to be handled much. They almost

exclusively dine on grass. And if it's if it's um unmanaged grass, that's it's organics, fully organic. Yeah. Absolutely. Uh, let's talk nutrients. The proportions of protein, fat and minerals and fatty acids to its caloric value are outstanding compared to grass. Beef, I'm sorry, just beef period and um, large concentrations of iron and a lot of essential fatty acids. So people are up with bison. They're eating it a lot more over the past decade. The numbers have really

risen dramatically. Um, do you eat it? Yeah, I've had it. It's good stuff. I've had a bison burger. I didn't you know. I've had bison steak at ted the Montana Grill, which I should say, full of this closure, we own no stock. What's however, and I've never eaten there. Oh you should. It's cool. It's got to like the the interior decor is like a turn of the last century like Kansas restaurant. Yeah, it's very cool, like the tin plate ceiling and all that stuff. Um, and yeah, the

bison steak is very good. Now, can you tell the big taste difference. Yeah, really yeah, because I've had the burger and I couldn't tell a huge difference. But you're a steak guy. You like steaks, you immediately you can look at it and tell a difference. But the taste you can tell the difference as well too. I mean it's not just like it's not like eating cat and eating steak, but I mean you can tell a difference.

Well yeah, cat is gamey um, so chuck. Also, we should say it's not just Ted Turner who's single handedly no, keep saving the bison herds, because now there's what four thousand commercial bison living in the US right now, Yeah, a little more. Even that's just the US alone. Turners got fifty thousand of those, which pretty substantial portion. Canada's doing their part um. There is a group of eleven tribes who get together in to form the Inner Tribal

Bison Cooperative. No, I'm sorry, fifty seven tribes that managed fifteen thousand heads of bison collectively. And one of the things that if you are if you manage a herd of bison, whether for conservation or for deliciousness, you are going to run into something called brucellosis. Which is not good. It's a bacteria and it's called like another name for it is contagious abortion. That's two great words to pair together. So basically, brucellosis is a bacteria that you can that

ruminating animals, which is grazing animals um. They can pick up pretty easily through the mouth um. The bacteria collects in the reproductive organs. If you are if you have milk, you're going to pass bad milk. If you're pregnant, you're going to abort your fetus. And if you lick this genital area, you've just contracted it. If you eat tainted meat, tainted buffalo, you can catch it as well and you

get terrible, terrible flu like symptoms. But if you're a bison or a reindeer or something like that, you are in grave danger. If you have this bacteria can kill it. You're pretty easy well, And that's certainly one of the big reasons, because you know, with all these conservation efforts, you might think, well, why are there still only half a million. That's one of the biggest reasons. And sadly, there are quarantine periods and when these infected bison roam

free like they're prone to do. They have have to be put down. They get shot, like thirty seven hundred of them. Uh in the past twenty years have then have wanted outside of Yellowstone and they have to take him down. Yeah if yeah, if you're one of the problems. One of the big problems we're facing with getting the bison population back on its feet is that we don't have land like we used to. Well that's the other So their original range, the original ecosystem are now developed

like a quickie mark. So it's like, you guys, just stay in Yellowstone, so you you wandered outside of Yellowstone and bang right. Um. Apparently, also even in Yellowstone sometimes things converge, like they did in ninety seven. That winter there's a particularly harsh winter, so a lot of the a lot of the food supply was covered up with snow and ice, and like thirt hundred bisons starved to death in the park on top of a bunch that

had to be shot for wandering out too. So it's a bad year for bison and Yellowstone well and not. The final reason really is um, when you have a smaller herds like this, there's gonna be more inbreeding and inbreeding doesn't lead to a healthy population. Yeah, which is one of the reasons why brucellosis is so rampant. You have a narrower gene pool. So thank you to the private system of all bison are on private land. Yes, that's crazy. Yeah, like people coming together to single handedly

revived this species from the brink of extinction. So every time you eat a bison burger, you're helping to conserve the bison population. Inn't that weird? That is weird. I got one more fact for you, Is it on a high note? Uh? Sure? Do you like buffalo cheese and stuff like that? I do like buffalo mozzarella. It's good stuff, not from a bison. Apparently, any kind of buffalo product like that milk and cheese is from the the water buffalo. Cool.

And the reason why bison are not commercially milked is because the ladies have little teets, really tiny little teats that are very small, and they're not great for for milking and um. Yeah, so they don't adapt well to that kind of thing. The ladies are like hands off fellas. Huh. I did not know that. I can tell you, chuck. Even having been a beverly bison, I know today, as of today, more than I ever have before about bison in general. Yeah, me too, and it's bison's plural. We

should go free that. Uh, we should go free that bison and the game ranch. Do you want to Yeah, we should just send it down seventy eight East. Well, that's one reason why we're down. Well, I mean it would be a descent. Somebody shoot it because they behave radically. But apparently one last thing. You can tell how a bison's feeling based on his tail. If his tail is dangling between his legs, he's calm. If it's moving, he's alert. He's maybe watching you. If it's pointing straight out or up,

get out of town. Yeah, because we're going to charge. Well that's pretty cool. Yeah. So that's it for bison, and um again, hats off to everybody who's eating bison burgers because you are keeping the bison population in check. Ted Turner, thank you, sir. I commend you. I had raised my cutty sark to you. I saw him at at the Willie Nelson concert a few years ago. You did, yeah, and I wanted to tackle him and say thank you.

He probably would have liked that. He was a big part of my childhood being from Atlanta, Like he can't be from Atlanta in the seventies and all right, not think a lot of Ted Turner. Yeah, I'm sure he was, like your secret saying a one year. Of course, if you want to know more about bison and extinction and uh bison burgers and brucellosis, you've got all this stuff packed into one great article called what brought Bison Back from the Brink of Extinction? You can just put a

bison extinction in the search bart how stuff works? Dot comment should bring up this article? And I think I said search bar, did I not? Let's just the cats out of the bag already. Okay, John Hodgeman is sitting right here. We're not going to do listen to mail. Sorry listeners. Is the fourth time I am putting my foot down. This is the last time, at least for this series. This has been going on for two weeks. It's fine, this is the last time. Okay, So this

is four of four. Yeah, maybe we should treat you a little more regally then. This is four of four? Can we keep some coronets? Excellent? Yeah, so, Mr Hodgeman, thank you very much for coming pushing me right out the door. Josh, thank you very much for coming. And I'm a hologram. I'm not even here pushing through you right now. Hodgeman Actual is in St. Louis, Missouri Gateway to the West, getting ready to perform tonight on the book Tour live at Top to St. Louis Arch Yeah, well, no,

not exactly. Where is the locale again? I had here just a second ago. It was at the bookstore there last like laugh a minute, bookstore, I think is what I was calling. I think it was the Mad Art Gallery. That's the same same thing, laugh a minute, seven pm, this very evening, November three. Do you want to say the name again? The Mad Art Gallery? Seven pm, this very evening, November three. Hodgeman Actual is presenting material from his book that is all with special guest insert name here.

That's excellent. I can't believe we got that guy or gal. Yeah, good going so so No, I'm just a holographic representation of myself here again to say hello to you guys. Well, thank you because because I'm a I'm a big fan and I'm a deranged millionaire who has a hologram of himself, and you can send a favorite podcast. Why not exactly. And that's the thing about Hodgment, like even even getting the hologram of him, is you know more than you

could possibly want with anybody else. I agree with you. As the hologram, I can say, I'm actually a little better. Oh really, we noticed, we noticed last time. I'm not as flatulent. We noticed due to my holographic nature. Although you still make the sounds. It's just weird. It's that the pros But I am I am. I'm a simulated program designed to interact with real world stimulus in a realistic manner. Eat a Hamburger sandwich that moves you one

of your favorite, one of your famous Atlanta and Hamburger sandwiches. So, John, you wrote a book. It's called That is All. It is the third in your series explaining the world. It is my complete book of World Knowledge. Is like my previous two books, a collection of fascinating trivia, historical tidbits, and amazing true facts, all of which made up by me.

This being the last in the series of complete world Knowledge, indeed the final world Knowledge, dealing with subjects as diverse as travel and ghosts and magic, tricks and wine and sports. In the end of the world, and it is called that is All, and we've covered a lot of those in the podcast too, So this is almost I guess you would say companion piece the last time you would. Yeah, no, Yeah, that's right. It's also my life's work. But thank you.

Last week you accused me of taking Sorry, last week, Chuck accused men over over let's say, over liberal inspiration from the Stuff you Should Know podcast after I had very graciously pointed out that a huge section of my book regarding noodling was an homage to your very podcast, and then I took that nice gesture and I stomped on it. But I will tell you one thing. I did download one of your podcasts specifically as research for

the book That is all Necronomicon. That was a good one with co host Jonathan Stricklin's, by the way, just beat himself because we mentioned him in reference to you. What just happened just now? Yes, my other hologram is cleaning that up this week. That is your full service. There are many holograms wandering the halls right now. That's part of a new security system. How stuff works is considering. So, John, is it true that in this book you explain things

like the thick fish, what's the thick fish? And the bowl of brown? Oh? Yes, that's right. Well that's not part of my You know, you know my book better than I do. Is it true that you explain the superiority of the year nine one as birth year, which we both share? That's true? What's going on? Yes? True? Is it true that you explain the benefits and taboos at sea while cruising? That is so. Is it true John, that there is a table in your book about disgusting

regional sodas? That is true? Would you be kind enough to read some of those sodas? I feel like I'm being interrogated. Yes, I have my own copy of the Okay, oh well you haven't open there? The thick A thick fish and the bowl of brown? What's the thick fish? Fish? The bowl of brown? The the Patagonian toothfish wine, the furry forms. These are some of the funny things that you ingest in your book. Those are just words, but you're streaming together. You would think that's my job to

string those words together. Bowl of brown comes from a section of my book on rose wine, because rose wine is neither white nor red. I love the wine chapter, Thank you very much. It's something that I previously knew nothing about because I thought that wine was so complex and multilayered uh and and um and his stork that it could only be enjoyed by But apparently no simple just grape juice all you need to make its scrape

juice human feet in time. Yeah, own yeast. But but I point out that because rose is neither white nor red, it is best haired with ambiguous foods like the thick fish. Like thick fish, scrod, brown brown, mystery meat. That's a rose. I like rose like. I mean it, quite honestly. I like rose. I like sparkling rose as well. I know it. You know you can. You can tolerate ambiguity. Some of us can't. Like. I'm not the least bit certain how

either of you two feel about. We like things that you know, we like things black or white, so we drink either white wine or black wine. You know what I mean, We'll mix them up. I don't remember what all those other words you were talking about were pretty much it you were going to talk about. But they're also non alcoholic drinks that you can drink, And there are still regional sodas all over this country that are

not distributed to the rest of the world. Um and and you might enjoy going into a local uh you know, on a road trip, go into a little trading post there and reaching behind the disgusting handmade sandwiches and pulling out one of these disgusting regional sodas to enjoy. So, for example, there's ties Gumption brand brain drizzle, which you can only get in Maine, Vermont. It's uh, you know. Sodas were originally served in pharmacies. That's why there in

parts of the country is still called tonic. In New England they're still called tonic because they were medicine. There were ways of delivering medicine and and in particular sort of like herbal remedies and nerve tonics and cocaine phizzics. These are what they would serve. Cocaine pizzics were invented in this very city, in this very city of Atlanta. The cocaine fish, who later became Coca Cola. Ties Gumption brand brain Drizzle was the only one of the great

old sodas to actually contain cerebrospinal flute. Once incredibly popular throughout the Eastern Seaboard, for its invigorating flavor and hallucinatory properties. It is now primarily found only in northern New England, where it is still made using the company's own secret recipe, including fluid from patient thirty one unnamed Hydrocephalic Patients Secret Hospital and Brattleboro, Vermont. What's the the other flavor profile?

And that one yes bitter medicinal brainy sugary. You know Brattleburg, Vermont as a town very near to my retreat in Internetlas Hills, western Massachusetts. Um, and it's a wonderful town. I had a hard time during Hurricane Irene. There was a lot of flooding in Brattleboro, So I hate to make fun of it. Do you know what I mean? That they they're all dried out. Now you should go up there, Go visit the Latchus Theater, go eat at fireworks, go to the retreat farm and petting zoo. It's wonderful

place to go. But did you know the Brattleboro, Vermont speaking of ties brain drizzle? But that that the that the hit wraps all from two thousand seven Sipping mice A Drizzle is now synonymous with the musical subgenre known as brattle Brattleboro, Vermont, white person with dreadlocks wrap. That whole subculture, the whole subculture started up there, and uh

and that song. Sipping on Massa drizzle also introduced America to the controversial drink known as si drizzle, which is ties brain drizzle mixed with apricot brandy about a hundred tablets, suda fed crushed up and maple syrup and and and to enjoy it, you serve it in a Solo brand plastic cup with a viking and dusted rim. That's great. I don't know if we need to go in any into any other regional Sodus, but there are a lot of them. Uh. Well, the the only other one in

the Denver, Colorado area and the Rockies. You can still get Chickoh soda and it's roast chicken flavored. Uh and it's the only remaining product in the in the in the company in the line from Savory Meat Soda Corp. Because up up until up until not only could you get Chicko, you could also get porko and steak and eggsham. Those are also available, but now just Chicko and then chum and then chum wine based on cheer wine. Right. It was one of many rip offs of North Carolina's

famous cheer wine. But this one, this one, unlike cheer wine, this one has its flavor profile of sweet cherry, bubble gum and fish blood chum wine. It's it's motto was the one, the one to drink while spreading chump. It was for fishing for fisher persons, and that that was that little of delight was read directly from the book. That is all. That is all, John Um. That is a hardcover book. It is a usually issue. It is It is the first edition hardcover book in pure black

and white. No light can escape from that. It is. It is the black hole of hardcover books. It is absorbing, It is absorbing every light ray that comes at it. It is a dark, stark tablet reflecting um and monolithic, indeed reflecting the end of this series, the end of human civilization and time as we know it in two hasnt twelve, and now that I've turned forty, the end

of my life so more tragically, what's your life's work? Yes, it is actually, you know, I'm sorry to put it in such stark terms, but I mean, you know, it is the purest unfiltered expression of my adult brain. And uh, and I hope very much the people will. I mean, look, we live in it. We live in a culture where people are getting their their fake facts and they're made up trivia, and they're and they're invented truths for free on the news every night. Do you know what I mean?

Though you may ask why should I go out and buy a hardcover copy of a book? Uh full of it? And you know that is a question only you can answer. All I can tell you is this is truly my life's work. And I hope and I enjoy sharing it with you, and I hope you enjoy it well as such. I mean, you're you're curating it. This kind of experience, this release is not just like Hodgeman dropped a book. Hodgeman dropped a book. It's a great book. This is not my tumbler book. Um there you're touring with it.

I am starting well, I'm in St. Louis. I'm in St. Louis and right uh, and then tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles, California at the November four the Largo Theater with Paul F. Tompkins. That's a wonderful place. And then I will be in Portland on Sunday the seventh with John Roderick uh and uh and then we we traveled directly up to Seattle after that to be at town Hall again with John Roderick and other special guests will join me later on the tour. John will be singing,

and there will be singing songs. You will not just be We're going to join him on ukulele and vocals. There will be ukulele playing for sure, jumping fleet playing. John is going to on stage teach a kid to read. That's right, because this isn't a sham, It's not it's not a carnival act. I will find an oliterate child in each town and teach them to read the words. That is all. And it's gonna be heartbreaking. It's going

to be the last part isn't true. But I will be joined by other special guests who may or may not be literate throughout the tour and it will be going on through the sixteenth. And if you want to find out where I am, and and if you want to come and see see me present material from the book, you can go to areas of my expertise dot com and and and visit there. You will have to buy a ticket for the book, but the cost of the ticket includes a copy of the book. So that's a

pretty good deal. Yeah, I think. And you'll you'll be signing some too, and you'll sign, I will sign. I will sign every I will sign every book. And uh, you're one of those guys, aren't like you? Yes, you see to it that everybody who's standing in line gets the gets the signature. I want Legionnaire's disease. I'm gonna I'm gonna shake everyone's hand, come on, um and if if I can pull it together, guys, And I hate to make promises, but you know, sometimes you got to

say something publicly to make yourself do it. I'm trying to find maybe you guys can help me. We probably can't. Is a company that will make me some custom mini packets of mayonnaise so that I can give people who come to the event free premium premium which is samples of John hodgmons uh Ragnarok Proof survival mannaise. Awesome because aside from your own urine, mayonnaise is going to be the thing that you need most after the feces comes down and civilization is over. Well, one thing you can

do is lubricate small engines with mayonnaise. With mayonnaise, Yeah, that's just one of the uses you can You can use it as a as a cleanser, a hair cleanser, and it's a wonderful conditioner. You can use it to lubricate small engines. Uh. You can take garbage bags and spread them out on the lawn and put mayonnaise all over them. Guess what, you just made a slip and slide in a time when there is no more running water. Your kids can enjoy that you leave those garbage bags

out in the sun for a while. Guess what, You've just made yourself a handy poison well and during after the super collapse, John, you also make a good point in the book that the currency could very well be the beef jerky dollar. Oh, it's definitely going to be the beef You have a handy table of what one

beef jerky dollar equals. Yeah, and I think my where I would spend my beef turkey dollar if I had one, would be the I think seven point five hours of human human contact was that it, Yes, without murder at the end, without being cannibalized at the end. You have to recall any other things A beef turkey dollar will get you after the super collapse. Well no, but if you're interested listener, you can take a look at my book.

That is all. It's one of my favorite parts, which really I mean also it's it's let's just come out and say it. It is something of a if not a survival guide. There's some survival to it, but also like a pretty like a beat by beat prophecy of

what's going to be going down in twelve. If you if you accept the hard made up fact that the Mayan Long Count calendar ends on December twenty first, two thousand twelve, thus bringing an end to human civilization and time as we know it, in the end of the world, then you will find in my book A Day by Day Today in Ragnarok, page of day calendar running down for you what's going to happen starting December one, two thousand eleven, all the way through the Blood Wave, the Omegapulse,

the collapse of the dollar, the the return of the ancient and unspeakable ones, um and uh and and the Singularity as well, um and so yes, So we'll teach you how to survive all of these terrible catastrophes until December twelve, and then it's just all over for every bo or maybe not, maybe not, I could be wrong. Well that's probably right. Well, I think what you're saying

is there limits to even your power. Look, there is a possibility that when two thousand excuse me, there is a possibility, when December twelve comes around, that the last event of Ragnarok will be the headless body of nugs show hubb, one of the ancient unspeakable, pushing the Earth through a rift in space time into another dimension in which none of us have any memory of Ragnarok, and the things in my book are considered to be simply the flights of fancy of a television personality and the

made up facts of an adult, deranged millionaire. Look, I hope that happens. Okay, probably not, But it's one possibility that we will wake up on December twelve and it will be like none of this has ever happened, sort of like why two K? No, that's coming? Okay? Why two K is coming next? In two thousand twelve, I think, And about uh, it's sometime in May or June. The thing with why tu K, though, is that it doesn't attack computers. It only attacks like um small non mechanical

tools like can openers. We had that all wrong. It is not after computers at all. Is it is after non computerized helpful devices. It's weird, and John I misspoke. I don't want to misquote your fake fact. But one beat tricky dollar after the super collapse, so people know, is equal to seven point three hours of human intimacy. And that's what I'd spend my dollar on your dirky dollar. Hankah guilt. Yeah, well that's it's not that those are

It's not that there's gonna be one currency. They're just gonna it's you know, this is why I say you shouldn't bother hoarding gold. Do you know what I mean? Yes, gold is shiny. I'm not going to argue with you on that's shiny and heavy, do you know what I mean? But when you are are, when you have been turned into an albino right by by the great worm hug numbeth. Right, you don't care about gold. You want sunscreen, you know

what I mean? And the great thing about mayonnaise is that it's not very good sunscreen, but it makes a terrific short term albino mask. If you want to sneak into albino town and sell them Mayonnai's posing a sunscreen. This is how we're all gonna have to live in the future. Do you understand what I'm saying? This is why Mannai's is so helpful. It all comes back to this. So listen, everybody. I hope by the time you hear this, I will have solved the problem. Well, I got a guy.

You know you got a man. You got a comment I gotta packet guy. He does all kinds. You're not messing. You're not messing with the Hodgeman. Now are you want Hodgeman? Catch up? You want Hodgman Tartar sauce? No, no, I don't want Tartar sauce for right. What do you think I got a guy? You think I'm looking for something to put on a filet o fish. I'm looking for something to save the world. I gotta go. I gotta

power down. Guys. It's been a lot of fun. I'm sorry listeners whose mail did not get read because I took over your segment. All four of you know now come on, But I but I please understand, listeners, I too, am a listener, and I hope you will continue to support these two wonderful natural broadcasters even though they have betrayed your trust by putting me on their podcast air four weeks or four podcasts in a row, that's right by that is all. I recommend the hardcover just because

I'm old school and it's all that exists. There's no there's no audiobook, there is no electronic edition, there is no paperback. There is only hardcover edition. You know why, because when Ragnarok comes, you're not gonna You're gonna be using your reading tablets to make shanties. That's right. This is the only thing that's going to be left. Also, I haven't gotten around to recording the audiobook, and I

don't know when we're going to do any book. So if you want to support my life's work, seriously, please come and see me on tour, or go to your local bookshop and purchase the book. Go to see him on tour. That's a treat, just to share air with you, my friend. You know what. We're not sharing air. I'm a holograp m you know. But but the people who go see you will be able to share. They will, and we have before and it's not. And my breath, despite what you may have read and nothing to post,

my breath is not poison. So if you want to catch up with the real Hodgeman, share some air with him on tour right, you can go to areas of my expertise dot com Areas of my expertise dot com. Spell it out like a normal person. Or you can tweet to him and be like Hodgeman, where are you at? On Twitter by addressing it to at Hodgeman it's the at sign at sign h O D G M A N. Yeah, and that will go directly to John's pocket. I shall

and I shall feel it. Um. And if you are ready to get back to business with us, join us next week when things should be substantially more normal. Uh. And in the meantime, if you want your listener mail red, you send it to us. Send it to us right now, and if it's the coolest one, it will be the first one we read after the Hodgeman break post Hodgeman break,

and it will that will be substantial, that'll mean something. Okay, Hey, you know what, whoever is listener mail you read next week, I'm gonna send them a free book that is really and then it's on us to pick it out though. So that's fun to trust you so they can bribe us crazy how about but not but not Sarah? How no? No, sorry Sarah. So I'm going to send something anyway? All right, Well, then I would get to my email if I were you, because obviously the first ones we get are gonna be

the ones we read. You can shoot us that email at Stuff Podcast at how stuff works dot com. Be sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff from the Future. Join hal staff Work Staff as we explore the most promising and perplexing possibilities of tomorrow, brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve cameray. It's ready, are you