How Mail Order Marriages Work

Yeah really, Uh yeah, this is one of those where we researched and researched and read and read, and I think it's it's one of those deals for me that's like and this is just my opening statement where it can be a a positive thing, like a dating service in some ways, but there is certainly a darker side to the whole situation. Uh. I already know how you

feel about it, and I feel like it's coming through clearly. Yeah, I mean, it's just it's very It's one of those really murky things where sometimes you hear these really great stories about people that do find are looking for love and find love with someone from another country and it works out for everybody, And then sometimes you hear about stories where it's sort of what the National Organization for Women's Sonya Sario calls a softer version of human trafficking,

or even worse, occasionally someone turns up murdered. Yeah, that's I mean, that's the truest dark side. So uh, that's just me level setting and we can talk about the good, the bad, and ugly. I think that was a great level saying. I generally agree with it, But for me, the jury is still out in thinking about it as a whole because there's so little hard data on this stuff.

Almost everything is anecdotal, and when like you condemned something based on anecdotal data, you've got there is a moral hannock, not necessarily something in in reality. So I'm a little hesitant to go all the way. The jury is still out for me, but I definitely recognize the same stuff you do. For sure. It's definitely there. It exists. It's just for me, the question is how much does it

exist and does the good outweigh the bad? And I don't know, So we we should probably like actually define what we're talking about here, because most people I would guess are familiar with mail order brides, they're more um more recently they're they've come to be called mail order marriages because they've been extended to same sex couples in the United States. But then also like even more generally

it's called um international marriage brokerage. Right, Yeah. I mean there's a full industry built around this, with thousands of websites and agencies that are brokering these marriages. And you know, from looking into it, it it seems like there are some really above boardwines that kind of act like uh an international dating surface in some ways UM where they group

you know, match like people together. And then it seems like there are a lot of really sketchy ones that charge people a ton of money and aren't looking out for the men or the women, And I know that money is sunk back into making their website. Look at all nonlu that saw some really really bad websites so man like comic sans at one point. Yeah, it's hard to see those and not think, well, A, this is a scam or b this is a front for some sort of ceed trafficking operation. Right, yeah, it is tough

not not to think like that. But but what we are talking about generally is UM A a marriage UM where the husband and the wife are generally unknown to each other, maybe have met once, but if they did, it's possible it was just a day or two before UM. Or maybe they've met once or twice and have done some correspondence back and forth for an extended period of time. But that's pretty new. And and in the classical definitions,

they're generally unknown to one another. Um, and one of them usually the bride travels a very long distance from home to move to the husband's home, uh and make a life there and and be married. Um. That's not the Webster's definition. There's a lot more stumbling in my definition.

But I think that generally gets it across. Yeah. And you know, the kind of the classic thing that you think of is lonely American man who has a little bit of money in his forties or fifties, can't find American woman and ends up getting a young, beautiful, young Ukrainian woman who doesn't speak much English and would love to live in the United States. Uh, and and fall

in love with an American man. And that's sort of and you know, of course it happens from all countries, but a lot of times you think of Russia and the Ukraine or maybe in Southeast Asia or something like that. Uh. That is sort of I feel like when people say that term, most people, that's probably what pops into their head. Yeah,

or I think you're being rather generous. I think a lot of people would be like, you know, some sad sack who can't like find a woman in America has to go look elsewhere to get really judge you about it, And I think people are really judging about mail order marriages.

I think there's a long standing tradition in the United States of considering people who who go outside the traditional channels of marriage and basically take it into their own hands, like through mail order marriage, are they're they're very much

judged harshly and criticized, maybe maybe fairly, maybe not. But I think there's another component too, especially these days, is that the men who who are looking for women for mail order brides are also dominant, domineering, possibly abusive, and their look king for docile UH women who will do

whatever they say because they're the husband. So they have to go to other cultures where that might be more prevalent and where they can select from women who might respond to that kind of thing a lot better than an American woman who wouldn't put up with his guff. Yeah. I mean, that is certainly a part of what happens sometimes,

and some of these agencies UH promote that the submissive nature. UM. There was one that literally said that these young women are quote unspoiled by feminism, and you have potential homemaking savings of a hundred and fifty dollars a week because you're essentially getting a you know, sort of a live in domestic servant. So you know, that's the underbelly in

the dark side. But we you know, I did find some that do seem very above board, and people that do genuinely look like they're looking for love and have struck out at home, so they're looking elsewhere. So I said, Chuck, and we should also say one other thing to like, you know, um, it's pretty like it's a pretty well own thing in America. It's not like on everybody's lips. You don't hear it in every monologue on the late

night talk shows or anything like that. But like, generally people in America are familiar and I know about mail order marriages, but it turns out it's even bigger in other countries like Taiwan and South Korea have huge mail order marriage industries. Um that may even dwarf the United States. And it's pretty I don't want to say it's huge in the United States, but it's not like just some small speck of sliver of like arcane group of people like it's bigger than you think, but it's even bigger

in some other Asian countries as well. Yeah, and Dave Ruce helped us put this together, and this was a tough assignment for him, but he used um a lot of information from a book by a legal professor originally from University of South Carolina and Marcia's zug called Buying a Bride insert colon music Jerry and engaging history of mail order matches, where it seems like she gives a you know, a fair but fairly full throated defense of its history through the ages as far as and we'll

get into this, but as far as an opportunity for a lot of women to gain more agency and to gain more rights at a time when they might not have any, all the way up through today, where uh she still defends it to a certain degree and and says, you know, like sure, these situations can be bad, but what's really bad is what undocumented immigrants have to suffer through in this country because they have no legal rights.

They can't go to the police, they can't leave their their uh spouse or or their partner for fear of deportation, and uh, it's an interesting take, I think. And and I'm glad that Dave found this book, you know, because I don't. I'm not sure that I would have been

as fair. Yeah, yeah, no, she definitely almost. I get the impression that she um is defensive on behalf of the industry just because of how mistreated it's been, in her opinion, unfairly in large part, yeah, because you know, I think it very much has an antifeminist rap for good reason. But she does make some compelling arguments that

throughout history it wasn't that way at all. And I guess we can go ahead and dive into some of that in um the early days of male order marriages in the American colonies, there was a lack of women problem in the in the early colonies, I mean like the earliest colonies. We're talking like Jamestown here. Yeah, like

you know, the Puritans and Pilgrims. They may have come over with their families, but there are a lot of single men that came over, and a lot of them, Uh some of them may like run off with an indigenous woman and live with among her tribe and be like, you know what, I'm kind of done building things for James down. I'm out of here. So that's no good if they're looking for young into like kind of help

build up these young colonies. And then other ones were just lonely and said, hey, I like, uh, there are no women over here. What are we supposed to do? So very early on, uh, they started UM sort of advertising and bringing uh women, you know, supposedly volunteers over who wanted to come to the colonies and and sort

of have maybe even more rights than they had back home. Yeah, And this is a really good example of kind of like a thread that ran through the first couple of centuries of America's founding um, which was government sanctioned and supported UM mail order marriages in order to help build

more stable communities. Right, So, the the UM legislatures did things like create laws that made it more attractive for a woman to become a mail order bride in this area, like um, apparently in England, Uh, if you became a widow, you you got a third of the estate and that was it. And in places like Virginia and I think Maryland as well, they set up laws that basically said, hey, you're gonna keep a lot more than that. You can run your own business afterwards, like being a widow's gonna rock.

And did we mention also the men are dropping dead like flies over here, so yeah, your husband's probably gonna die pretty quick. So if you don't like them, who cares. You still get to keep all this inheritance and you get to keep the business and you can't do quite that well for yourself. And those circumstances back in England, so that attracted people. And that was like the government saying like, please come over here and marry these strangers

that you've never met before. Yeah, and you know, it made sense for a lot of these young women because many of them were you know, they were from like the servant class, let's say, so they were looking at years of servitude uh in England and then they basically were like, well, hey, forget all that, why don't you just come over here get married. And like you said, I think the status even one in three marriages last

a ten years. So they did kind of sell them on the fact that yeah, it's not so great, they'll probably be dead soon enough and then you can have a stuff. Yeah, and it actually I mean like that that actually did um like attract some women, I think at least, uh, I don't. I don't know if we have the number, but there definitely were what they called tobacco wives who came to marry new tobacco planters who

were setting up their own fortune. And I actually had to prove that they were a financial means by donating a hundred and fifty pounds of gold leaf tobacco to the Virginia Company to to take part in this right and so UM that that lasted as long as it lasted, or as long as it needed to. And as the Eastern colonies started to like become more self sufficient, um became less rowdy, became more family oriented. As far as the Europeans were concerned. Um, the the need for like

those mail order schemes, UM kind of went away. But then as America kind of expanded further and further west, the frontier kept recreating itself in different places. So you know, UM, it went from the Eastern colonies to you know, along

the Mississippi, and then further and further out west. And every time it did that, this new iteration of the frontier was settled by rowdy men, and they would have to figure out a way to get women to attract women to come out to marry the rowdy men so they would stop beating each other up in bar fights and and become more productive citizens. And that kept going on throughout the the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries in the

United States. Yeah, and you know, if you're already thinking, guys, this this already sounds terrible, these marriages based on these financial arrangements, and you know, despite these promises of a better life, like that's kind of what we're talking about, like welcome to marriage in the seventeenth and eighteenth century. Don't be so naive. Yeah, that's not that's kind of what it was. And and've made a good point like

the notion of marrying for true love. That's a very much like a twentieth century proposition, even if it wasn't a male order bride situation, it was someone's dowry or or parents sort of arranging marriages and saying these family, this family should marry this family, which still goes on today. I should point out among like the blue chip in the high society, like and Arthur had to marry Susan. You know, let's not forget that everybody with a Habsburg

Jaw was an arranged marriage. He could marry Liza Manelli. I didn't realize you were making the movie reference. I thought you were Arthur and Susan. I thought you were using like Biff and Muffy, like general Jenual Arthur and yeah, yeah, I got it. Now I got it. But the point is is that marriage was a financial arrangement many and most times back then. I'm not saying no one ever married because they were in love. I'm sure that happened, Uh, but it had to take a lot boxes back then.

So it was just sort of the way it was. And so this solved problems for early settlers and for westward expanders. Uh. They made things really attractive in California for women. They made it easier to divorce your husband if you wanted to. Uh. They made it easier to or just legal to own and sell, buy and sell land, which is not something you could do at other places in the country. So they were trying to make it an attractive situation for women to move west because they

needed men and women out there. And uh, I think the between eighteen fifty and eighteen sixty, the the population of women in California increased from three percent to nine percent of the total population. So it was working. Yeah, it was. And it wasn't just California, but um, Washington State also participated. I think Oregon may have as well. Um. And there would be there these schemes, and I don't mean scheme like you know, like dastardly scheme, with like

a a plan good scheme. Yeah, where like a guy would go around to the bachelor's out in like Washington Territory and be like, give me a hundred bucks or I think three hundred bucks, which is about five grand today, um, and I will bring you a suitable wife. Um. And

at least one guy did this. ASA Mercer was a marriage broker and he would go back east say hey, there's like this great booming economy out west, why don't you come with me, And like he would return with like a hundred women and some of them would get married immediately, some would wait. Um. But it was like another it was another thing where there was a need for women, uh, to stabilize it out of control male population. Yeah.

And you know, Zug points out very fairly in her book that some of these Mercer girls from is they were called from ASA Mercer's operation became abolitionists. Some became women's rights advocates and social reformers. One of them's name was, uh, this great name, Mehitable Haskell Elder uh, And she organized the Women's Rights Conference in Olympia, Washington, and recruited one Susan B. Anthony as the territory delicate for the National

Women's Suffrage Association CAN mention. So you know, in a lot of cases, these women did find agency and they did get out of a better situation than they were in back east. Hey, so you want to take a break and then we'll talk about the probably what was the real birth of mail order marriages? Sure, Okay, we'll be right back alright, Chuck. So we've talking to this point about basically like government sanctioned schemes to kind of

stabilize male populations. There was also, at the same time, beginning in the nineteenth century, um, I think starting in England actually in the eighteenth century, that was kind of simultaneously unfolding, and that was, um the matrimonial advertisement industry, which to me is like the real birth of the mail order marriage industry that we understand today. But it was basically the personal ads. Yeah, it was the birth

of personal ads, the birth of dating services. Uh. It's really interesting in that, Uh, women would put ads in London and then later on in the United States, ads in the paper basically saying you know, hi, this is who I am, this is what I'm looking for. I mean, much like you would see these days in like a

dating profile. And it was a way for them to, you know, to take some agency over avoiding the arranged marriage that their parents had set up for him and maybe get a little bit of choice of suitors, right, And I mean like that is like taking control of your own um, of your own marriage prospects. And it was I guess radical is probably a pretty good word. But it picked up, It caught on um, especially in

the US. By the end of the nineteenth century, it really started to catch on to where they were like um magazines that were like dedicated just to matrimonial advertisements. Right, Like there was the Matrimonial News, which is actually the most straight ahead of all of them. Yeah, I like Cupid's Messenger. That sounds like a cute one. What about heart and Hand, Heart in Hand And then to me this one. I guess they were just trying to play

it really safe, the standard correspondence club. Right, good day to you, right exactly. So yeah, so these things were like kind of popular by the end of the nineteenth century.

But then it's like you said earlier, the by by the end of the night teenth century the beginning of the twentieth century, our ideas about what constituted marriage, the reasons for marriage had transitioned from financial arrangements into love in America, right, And so there was simultaneously the popularity of matrimonial advertisements and people taking control of their own marriage prospects, and at the same time, UM, a criticism and a uh like society generally looking down upon people

who did that kind of thing. So there would be stories in the paper of people like sad sack bachelor's or lonely heart widows getting conned or swindled or getting fool catfish basically is what you call it today, UM. And people love to read that kind of stuff and laugh at their misfortune and look down on these people. UM. And that that that's where like the root of what people still do today to the mail order marriage industry, at least in America. UM really finds its roots in

the in the twentieth tree. Yeah, and this is when things started transitioning to overseas, when American men started bringing in women from foreign countries. And that's when I think that's when it became a bit more of an industry. And this is when Congress got kind of full on racist and trying to control this thing, because there was you know, there were women saying, I don't want these women coming into our country and disrupting our our feminist

agenda that we're trying to push. There were men saying, we don't want this, uh people from China or Japan coming in here, and you know, they can they can have babies once a year, and they like there were senators literally saying these things, and so they would enact laws like, you know, we're gonna be overrun basically, so they would enact laws, uh, like the Chinese Exclusion Act

of eighteen eighty two UH to to ban Chinese immigration. UH. There was a loophole for pan with the nineteen o seven Gentleman's Agreement, which basically said if you that a Japanese woman uh and and their kids could come over if they were married. So there were Japanese single men already in the United States that immigrated over here that would get married sight unseen from like a catalog basically to in order to gain immigration status for the Japanese women.

And then that ultimately got shut down in four with the Immigration Act and they just said no Japanese immigration of any any kind now after that. So there was a huge anti Asian thread from the late nineteenth century in the early twentieth century, um based on immigration, and

a lot of that kind of centered on mail order marriages. UM. But then uh, one of the other things that that really kind of cropped up as a result of mail order marriages going from like women back east or women coming from Europe, to women coming from Asia U to marry white American men. Um. Was there there was this idea that the women were nothing more than like looking for um, a green card basically American citizenship, trying to

escape their own country. And you run into that criticism today, I mean just as much as you would have back in when they passed the the Immigration Act against Japanese people. Oh yeah, because you know, uh, and this is from

Zug's book. She talks about you know, Mexican women, Greek women, Asian women, Jewish women, Italian women, they were much more likely to be deported under an LPC charge, which is a person that is likely to become a public charge basically like to come over and sort of live off the government. Uh. If they were from these countries, in a way around that was to get married and get that green card. So that criticism like came pretty straight away,

I think, right. And then the other one is that that they were basically all just sex workers in disguise, coming over under the guise of being mail order brides, but really they were coming over here to prostitute themselves and behave immorally. Um. And again this is another accusation that you see today, except the the onus has or the focus the empathy, I guess has evolved from being put on society um, being attacked by these immoral women,

to the women themselves being trafficked by international criminals. But it's still generally the same accusation. It's just been it's just altered itself some you know what I'm saying, Yeah, yeah, absolutely, um. And you know that sort of h antifeminist charge from American women saying that you know, these women from other countries are coming over here and they they do whatever their husbands tell them, and this is setting us back. Uh. They would say the same thing though about war brides.

If you were a soldier in Korea or Vietnam and brought a men back over, they would have that same kind of charge levied against them, saying, the only reason you're bringing these women back is because of the power imbalance that is now gained. And you know that can be fair to a certain degree. There's a lot there is. It's really hard to talk about marriage like this without

talking about uh inequity and a power imbalance from the beginning. Um, not to say that that doesn't change and that there aren't great success stories where uh, both partners are equal and they both contribute and they both you know, respect

one another's viewpoints. But there any time you are in a situation where you are bringing someone over from another country that is escaping a bad situation and looking for a more prosperous situation and you can provide that and you are paying the money to the service for linking you, there's a power imbalance there from the beginning. Yeah, well there's a power imbalance in that. Like you probably don't

speak the language as the mail order bride. You don't have any friends, you don't have any family, you don't have any social structure to depend on. The only person you have to depend on is your husband. He's not very nice to you or even worse abusive towards you. Um, you're in You're in big trouble. And then it's also, like you said, if you are escaping poverty back home,

you might show up with basically no money. And so if you just found out that this guy is not always cracked up to be, or he is abusive, or um, he's actually got a terrible criminal record or terrible credit or all sorts of stuff that you wouldn't have otherwise

come over for um, you're stuck here. And according to some human trafficking groups, that is a that is a broad definition of human trafficking where a person has moved from one place to another for financial means and then ends up becoming dependent financially uh in a situation that they otherwise wouldn't want to be in, they would not have chosen to put themselves in. That's as much as trafficking in a broad definition as somebody being kidnapped and

forced into uh sex work. Yeah, and even if there is no uh, you know, no literal violence or abuse, that doesn't mean that it's an equitable situation because someone can essentially be a almost a captive in their own home, like you said, if they don't speak the language, they have no advocates, so we here for themselves or friends to help them and speak up for them. And it's uh, you can see why it gets a bad rap for sure.

So on the flip side, though, there have to be men out there who just struck out consistently with America or American women or men and took matters into their own hands and looked abroad. And the best way to do that is a marriage broker, and there's plenty of places you can do that. Um. And then also the other problem with just basically characterizing um Millerner Bride's nothing but like victims right for exploitation is to really miss

the personalities of a lot of them. Where to put yourself out there is a mail or to bride shows a UM or demonstrates like a lot of initiative compared to just staying back home and making do with your lot in life. Like if you're a widow in some countries and you have kids, you might not be remarriable, there might not be anybody who wants to marry you, and so you're doomed to a life of solitude and

single motherhood, whether you like it or not. So if you just say, okay, well that's my lot in life, that's what I'm doing, Okay, fine. But if you say, you know what, now, there's another way out, and it might not be the most tasteful thing that I would have chosen for myself before, but I really want to make sure my kids are taken care of and I'm going to go seek husband elsewhere. That shows, that demonstrates

a lot of um self startered nous. I guess that that UM, I think kind of undermines a lot of the view of of mail orderprises these kind of like simple minded docile women um that that can't fend for themselves or stick up for themselves. Yeah, and you, it's also a real slippery slope to to judge. I mean, well, we all think like, oh, it should you should only fall in love with love at first sight and that should be all it is, and that should be what

marriage is based on, full stop. It's a real slippery slope too. Uh, to judge someone other's someone else's situation if it's working out for both of them. If if it is a rich old guy in his sixties who is like, you know what, I want to live out the last fifteen years of my life, uh, with a partner, And there's a beautiful young Ukrainian woman who's like, you know what, I've got nothing going on over here. I don't have a lot of prospects. My country is not,

you know, doing me any favors. And so I'm gonna go over and marry some rich guy and we're gonna be happy for the last fifteen years of his life. And they travel and they do take cruises and they have a good time together. Like it's a real slippery sloped for someone to come in and say, well, no, that's wrong, because you guys just didn't meet and fall in love like you know, meeting in a bar drunk one night, like a like all Americans. Again and again.

That seems to be a long standing criticism that stretches back at least a century here in America too, for sure. Okay, so enough of that, enough of that, I feel like we should talk about some of the nuts and bolts of um the mail order marriage industry. Okay, yeah, uh,

let's do it. Well, let's start. So I found this um contemporary journalism um from your c J right uh in the New York Times, and they basically just checked in with the mail order marriage industry at the time, and it gave a really good snapshot of how things used to be and of the reasons why mail order brides were called mail order brides, because time was that you would find a mail order marriage service, you would subscribe to that service of The New York Times says

anywhere between fifty to five hundred dollars a year um, and every well that was for a catalog annual subscribe. And then every month or every couple of months, or maybe twice a month, probably not twice a month, you would get a catalog that was clearly made by somebody who didn't major in catalog making in college of pictures of the of like a prospective bride, her stats, physical stats,

her likes, her dislikes, that kind of thing. Basically a blurb, and you were you'd flipped through a catalog and you'd get back in touch of this subscription service and say I like number eight eight nine, seven two UM, and I also like thirty seven fifty five, And you just give them a list of women that you wanted them to reach out to on your half, and all of

a sudden you would start exchanging letters. Uh. Little by little, you would narrow down the women that you were talking to, and then you would eventually probably go over and meet one and maybe in that trip marry them, like have have your wedding like that the day you meet them or the day after you met them. And that was pretty standard for the seventies and eighties as far as

mail order goes, and I think into the nineties as well. Yeah, and of course it's all online now and depending on which agency you go through, and like I said, there are thousands. They offer a range of services to you know, bleed you of as much money as they can in the process, whether it's subscription fees, or will will write your letters first letters for you and translate them for a fee, Or if you want to video chat or have phone calls, we can arrange that for a fee.

Everything has a fee. I think this one and this is from an anti trafficking Internet national website article. They said that estimate show um people spend about six to ten thou dollars. Each client spends about six to ten tho dollars. And I think this is for you know, the I guess more high end, more reputable ones. I think I think some of those places are happy if they get like five bucks out of the you end

then you leave. Well. I think you can be like a skin flint husband um and just do it strictly

online and then go meet them and marry them. But there are ones that offer like tours for like five grand um, which depending on the country, may or may not be legal where you like, if you went to Vietnam, it would be illegal in Vietnam, mail order um marriages, the whole industry is illegal, but it's also rampant there um and they're there are like whole hotels that where a woman goes and stays and then tours of like eyes from Taiwan or South Korea or the United States

come through and meet them. Uh. And I think human trafficking people are like and do god knows what else for money and um. Then if if you hit it off with one, maybe you like start talking to them a little more or you marry them on the spot. That kind of thing. But there's like there's tours you can go on, and depending on your view of the mail order marriage industry, it's either a tour where you're going and meeting a lot of perspective brides, or it's

basically a sex tour to Vietnam, right. And they also will do things where it's really hard to not read as uh, a man sort of buying a woman, where they say like, well, you know, we'll put them up in this hotel and we'll have them go checked out by our doctors and our psychologists to have a psychological evaluation, and all of this information will be sent to you, the man with the money, to make your decision on whether or not you're gonna sort of pay for this bride.

And it's it's really hard to look at that any other way. Then that like you really got to stretch your mind. But then you will read a story about a couple that that are deeply in love for twenty years on and who had kids in American who had a great life together. Uh, And and they were like, no, it was really more like an international dating service. Uh. And they just sort of match maked um or matchmated,

made matched maked. Uh. So, it's like it's just I don't know if we've ever had a topic where I was so like, all right, well this doesn't sound too bad, and like, oh my god, this sounds terrible. Yeah, I got you, Yeah I can't. And then maybe the industry, you know, yeah, I mean I think it can be both those things. Yeah, it makes you, yes, And it surely is both of those things. Again, the question is is one way more than the other, And if so,

which way is a lopside? And if so, do we need to like follow Vietnam's footsteps and outlaw the marriage the mail order marriage industry. You know what I'm saying. It's like that that may be a really big red flag, like why did Vietnam outlaw in the entire industry that's totally like fine and legal here in the United States? Right, So, Um, should we take a break, Yeah, I think we should take a break in. Um, we'll talk about mail order marriages in the Internet age because things have changed a

little bit. Yeah, and some of the laws right right, all right, we'll be right back all right, um really quickly, this uh the great article I found that from the Anti Trafficking International site. They did kind of talk a little bit about what it means for your immigration status and how because I mentioned earlier that Zug said, you know who's really at risk or undocumented immigrants because they have no recourse. Um, but even if you do come over as a mail order bride, and uh, here here's

basically what happens. The Immigration Marriage Fraud Amendment, which was enacted in eighty six is basically, the husband will apply for a spouse or a fiance visa and then the bride Mary's has to marry the husband within three months upon arrival in the US. So there's a three month sort of tried out period. But the bride only has conditional resident status for two years. So in that two year period um at the end of which they have to apply jointly for her permanent status as a resident.

In that conditional two year period, that is the dodgy territory where they're basically, like the bridest, completely dependent on the husband. He holds all the cards. Uh, They're very vulnerable at this point. They may have linguistic isolation or

and or cultural isolation. They may not have that social network that we're talking about, or be completely economically dependent on the husband, and they might be afraid that he'll be like, you know what, it's in that two year frame, I can still have you sent home, so you better you better be nice. Uh. And this is basically where they're saying, this is just sort of a a softer version of trafficking, even though and there is real trafficking

attached to this, we're not talking about that. We're talking about women who do come over voluntarily, but they still see that as a sort of a softer version of that so um and that power dynamic and the one where you mentioned where the men were supplied with all the information where the mail or to bride'shead basically none

about the men. Um that that's changed in the last few years thanks to the Internet and thanks to things like video chat and texting and Facebook and Skype, and now women are able just through the simple tools on the internet um to to be much more discerning and discriminating in the men they choose. It's not just like

I'm gonna put myself in a catalog and cross my fingers. Um. They're they're they're putting themselves out there much more, at least ones that are are members of legitimate mail order marriage brokerage is right. Yeah, and there was, uh, there were very sadly a couple of high profile murders leading up to the International Marriage broker Regulation Act in two

thousand five. And this is where things really kind of changed as far as at least trying to help adjust that power dynamic in that, uh, if you are a legitimate brokerage agency, you're required to UM provide these women with a lot of information now about the men, UM whether or not they're on state or national sex offender registries, UM,

background on their like financials. They're given information on on domestic violence and like what that looks like, you know, and how to go to the police and stuff like that, and that you can do stuff like that UM arrest history history, marital history, residence history if they have kids, all kinds of stuff now that these agencies have to provide about the men for the women. Yeah, And so

people who are like, hey, that's not that's not cool. Man, if you were an American woman just dating an American man, you wouldn't have access to that kind of information. That's truly invasive. It is true. It's also almost basically a straw man argument because an American woman is not going to be in the kind of isolated, completely dependent situation that a mailoorder bride is going to be. And and so the mailoorder bride needs a lot more safeguards than

just an average American woman is going to need. So nice try, but that argument doesn't well water at all. Yeah, I agree. Um, you talked earlier at the beginning about a lack of data and statistics. They don't even really know how often this is happening, much less how many are successful and how many times they end like poorly or in abuse and things like that. There there are a few numbers out there. Uh, I think the uh how do you pronounce that? I want to say? Um

to hear to hear he to Hearing Justice Center. They estimate between eleven thousand and sixteen thousand women immigrate each year through a marriage broker. Uh. The I n S has it more like four to six thousand. Uh, So you kind of can't really tell how much this is even going on. So it's really hard to you know, like you said, if you don't have the data for for nubes like us, it's kind of hard to form

a hard opinion. Right, But it's not just nubes like us who don't have the data, Like, no one has the data, so it's like, you know, no one can form a hard opinion, and you if in that case, you have to treat it on like a case by case basis, and like if you if you have nothing but anecdotal data or evidence, you can't just say like, yes, the mail order marriage industry is just a front for human trafficking and sex trafficking. That's that is a moral

panic that you've just started right there. Um, so we have to go out and get the data. But at the same time, that doesn't mean you can't simultaneously offer support to women who might be suffering from that, Like what if it turns out to be true, Like yeah, it's all just a big front for human trafficking, and these women need help. Roll out the red carpet, like get those services broadcast, Like figure out how to get them help if they need it, and see if anybody

comes out of the woodwork. In the meantime, while you're conducting those studies to come up with that data, one way or another can't hurt. It's just money, and that's a pretty good thing to spend money on. If you ask me. Yeah, I agree. There are some studies that show spousal abuse rates are about three times higher. But this is just for immigrant women married to US husbands. I don't think I think that includes all immigrant women.

I don't think it's just mail order situations. So that's data that doesn't exactly help UM, but it does shine a light on that power dynamic as a whole. I think yeah, And I couldn't I couldn't tell the UM. Dave mentioned that there were three UM murdered women male

mail order brides in the United States. I think between two thousand and ten and two thousand twenty maybe, And if using the high UM the high number that the uh UM to Hear You Justice Center uses for how many came over every year, you've got a hundred and sixty thousand of them. So three murders out of a hundred and sixty thousand population is I think point eighteen percent.

But out of UM all the women, all the married women in America, it's like sixty four million married women UM seventeen thousand, two hundred and fifty on average died, but we're murdered by their partner in that same time, which is two point six so I probably got the math wrong. But if it is right, then that means you're actually less likely to be murdered by your husband as a mail order bride than you are just as an American woman, um who was married and just part

of the general population. So that's great, right of the stats you can't feel good about, No, exactly, that's a great That is an excellent point for sure, Chuck. I mean, I think shines a light that we need to basically do away with, um spousal murder. I think we can all get behind that. Yeah, what it is. What it does though, again, is it makes you I think maybe

let's concentrate on the real problems. And if that's not, I if the mail order bride situation isn't the real problem, then we just and we all know this, but we we have a real domestic violence problem in this country anyway. Yeah, it's the same thing. What was the last one we talked about, oh, the inter danger where it was like, oh, no, actually, your cousin is going to like rape and murder you

way more frequently than just some strangers. But let's all concentrate on the stranger your your spouse is possibly going to murder you. But let's ignore that and concentrate on mail order brides being murdered instead, even if it's just a much less of a chance, Like that's the that's the definition of a moral panic, and you've got to sort those out because they obvius skate important things. Yeah, and you know at the beginning of the episode you

mentioned l g B t Q rights. Um. That's why we call it mail order marriages now because with the Supreme Court striking down parts of the Defensive Marriage Act, uh, it allowed and there has been a, you know since then, a sort of a a big time rise in l g B t Q people UM doing the exact same thing. And a lot of times these people in other countries are literally fleeing for their life because they have no rights in their own country as uh as a person

from that community. So that's one of those where you look at and you're like, they could literally be saving someone's life by getting them out of their country over here. And men do it too. I saw there was a I was curious about male order husbands and if that was even a thing. And apparently Ireland in recent years has got some of this going on where these Irish Men are putting themselves out there and saying, hey, I'm a strapping young irish Man and I'm happy to come

marry you and live in your country. Very nice, that's the thing in Ireland. Did not know that. I had no idea either, But leave it to Ireland to just try something new. So good for you, Ireland, Good for you. Are you got anything else on mail order marriages? I got nothing else I can take off my roller skates. Now, this one was it was it was danger at every turn. I thought you did great. I thought we did great.

It's good. I'm pretty sure. Oh god, I hope. So. Uh. If you want to know more about mail order marrinces, go check it out and see what you think for yourself. Don't take our words for it. Um. And since I said don't take our words for it, it's time for listener mail. Uh, listener mail. This is this is a sad case, so a bit of a trigger warning here,

especially if you've lost a family member to COVID. But I've had a back and forth with this gentleman and he really felt strongly about reading this on the air in the name of getting people vaccinated. Hey, guys, haven't written in quite some time. Been listening since two thousand eight. You've been around for so many personal milestones, even though we've never met, even though I did ask you the best question ever at your live show in Phoenix. Uh.

My father taught me how to play guitar. I've been playing for nearly thirty years because of his influence. There's never been a question of Gibson or Fender in my family. It's always been clear where a Fender family. He played a strat and I played a telly. Uh. The last this last Tuesday, I said good eye to my father. COVID had done its job and completely overtaken his body.

After he passed. Later that day, I went into my truck and took a few minutes and decided I needed some Josh and Chuck to get my mind off of things. And I was absolutely shocked. On that day Leo Fender and Les Paul came through in my feed. Uh. My father and I did not have anything we bonded over more than our love of music and playing guitar, an

affinity for Fender, and a dislike of all things Gibson. Sorry, Chuck. Uh, there could not have been more perfect topic to help me through one of the hardest days of my life. I look forward to someday when I might be able to shake your hands after a good hand washing and sanitization, and just thank you for being with me through so many good days and so many bad days. And he included a song that he gave his father that he wrote for him. It's great and uh, this is from Eddie,

and Eddie said, please read this on the air. He said, Uh, my mother decided to get vaccinated because of this, and they were not vaccinated, and he said, just please send the message out to people that it can happen to you and your family and just go out there and get that vaccination already. Thanks for that, Eddie, UM, and definitely our condolences on your father's passing. I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm glad we could bring you

a little measure of comfort at a terrible time. So thank you for letting us know about that, and also thank you for telling everybody to get vaccinated, because that's a pretty good thing to use your position for. UM. So I think, like Eddie said, go get vaccinated. Yeah, we said it, Go get vaccinated. Okay, okay, agreed, And in the meantime, if you want to get in touch with us, you can send us an email. The Stuff podcast at iHeart radio dot com. Stuff you Should Know

is a production of iHeart Radio. For more podcasts my heart Radio, visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.