Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of My Heart Radio Good Evening. My name is doctor Anton Jess, traveler adventure, former horror host and professor of monster studies. Here at the University, I'm joining you once more via dubbed VHS tape from the university basement. I can hear the muffled sounds of the faculty Christmas party through the ventilation system, as well as the slow but relentless movements of the creature which lives in the vents. But no bother.
It's their time to cut loose and to celebrate, even if the sounds of karaoke draw the monster ever closer to the kill. Down here in the basement, my assistant Maxwell and I are meanwhile having our own holiday get together and are once more considering some listener. Mayor Maxwell has selected only the best letters and telegrams from the basket,
just those inquiries pertaining to monstrous biology and belief. The rest have been crafted into a paper machee golem who will monitor the air, vince and ring the bell should they be breached by the creature. But enough about that, let's get on to the mail. This first one comes to us from Matt from Toronto. Matt writes, Dear doctor Jessup, I am in a holiday predicament which I am hoping
that you can assist with. I have been invited to a holiday gathering by the Weightlays of Dunwich and am having trouble deciding on an appropriate gift for the hosts. A bottle of wine may be appropriate for the largely anthropomorphic family members, but I am unsure if it would be suitable for those with a more ill dric anatomy. What does etiquette dictate when dealing with their holiday gathering of both human and non human entities? Your experience would
be most welcome, Sincerely, Matt from Toronto. Well, Matt from Toronto, I'm glad you asked. Yes, a bottle of wine is generally a good choice so long as the recipients can and should imbibe personally. I think a properly preserved specimen of a small goblin or hobgoblin is always a reasonable
choice as well. It looks good on a shelf, may contain gold coins upon dissection, and it's always a conversation starter at parties, stirring questions such as why do you have a pickled goblin on your shelf or should we cut it open and look for coin inside of it? Everyone wins. Next question, Grila the Christmas Witch writes in and says most esteemed Doctor Jessip. I am writing to correct a deep wrong. In recent years. I have heard growing whispers and even worship of the quite frankly attacky
figure Crampus. Sure he's kind of disturbing, but I find many of his methods uninspired, and further cannot, for the life of me, figure out why he has taken off in the increasingly morbidly fascinated public. When I, Grila, am much more compelling and bewitching a Christmas nightmare. I am a Christmas witch and an ogress that lives in an Icelandic cave, the mother of monsters and the snatcher of naughty children, children that I then turn into a scrumptious stew.
I control the tides of deadly winter in darkness. I once ate one of my husband's because he bored me. I feel that many monsters copied my m O. What more do I have to do to terrify those trying to make merry? How do I get my name out there? Should I have copyrighted my methods. Why does Crampus get so much more publicity? Gorilla? The Christmas which Grilla, I understand your frustration. First, we must remember that Crampus, while a friend of the show, has always appealed to the masses.
He is a beast of the people, ready to run through the streets from pub to pub with the whole tongue wagging thing and all. He's he's crass, He's vulgar, and the people love him for it. I personally think the problem is that the typical modern horror motion picture, the preferred source of scares for the common man, has shifted too far away from visceral terror and now appeals
more to the psyche and to the emotions. As such, the average viewer is starved for such fair and likely to fall for any old flim flam that offers gory delights, and they gravitate to cramp as his wealth. For this reason, so I advise you to wait, wait it out, wait for the next major shift in the cinematic palette. All right,
let's see about this next one. It says seasons greeting, Sir Jessop, did you know that most professionals like yourself struggle to get away and truly unplug over the holidays. When was the last time you put yourself first and
allowed yourself to relax. Recently you mentioned your desire to travel the seas, where we would like to invite you to join our very special cruise to Antarctica, where we think you will be titillated by the snowy scene, the cold, icy desolation, and the slight paranoia caused by the recent mysterious arrival of an alien life form that can assume the appearance of any of those unfortunate enough to encounter
it without the aid of a flame thrower. We promise a unique and exciting experience, often replicated in many popular modern games enjoyed by the youths. And we would also much appreciate your expertise when it comes to alien invasions to government installations that could result in death, the total destruction of the human race, and worse legal action. I won't say the situation is urgent per se, but haste
would be ideal in handling whatever this thing is. Eagerly awaiting your reply, Doctor breha Ps, never mind, all is well here, Please visit. I am a totally normal human being who is eager to eat you, I mean, meet you well, doctor Briare. I greatly appreciate the offer, and maxwell does tell me that I do need to connect
more with the youth culture. Still, I only just returned from an extended excursion to Antarctica, so I shall have to pass and hope that other researchers in my field will venture forth to have a look at this thing of yours. All right, Next message, This one says quick question. Hypothetically, if I kidnapped a prominent mystical holiday figure, say Santa Claus, and who surped his holiday and then delivered ghoulish toys to children and made a nightmare out of Christmas, am
I the jerk? Hypothetically the Pumpkin King? Dear Pumpkin King, I would be careful about messing with such a prominent elf and minor deity as Santa Claus. Believe me, I would absolutely love to study his bizarre steeds that the human mind can only process is some manner of year, as well as the machine elves that serve him. But at last, his powers are too great for me, and perhaps even too great for a regal gourd such as yourself. So proceed with caution. He is more dangerous than you
might imagine. This next one comes to us from a Christmas Grench, not the Christmas Grench again friend of the show. This particular author writes, not really sure who to reach out to about this, but I'm hoping you can help me with a time sensitive manner. A few Christmases ago, I noticed a horrible odor emanating from the chimney. Turns out my father, in an attempt at holiday cheer, had
done to Santa suit and tried to wriggle down the chimney. Unfortunately, he got stuck and perished, tragically scarring me for life. I cannot emphasize enough that the smell was what alerted us that something was amiss. Suffist say, the holidays can be a tough time for me, and I am somewhat of a grinch anyway. I've been attempting to overcome this trying event, but my boyfriend's cute pet has presented another
problem this holiday season. It seems that if it eats it, being the pet, after midnight, it multiplies and it's sweet nature is replaced by a mischievous bad boy persona very reptilian in nature. Complete with corresponding outfits. Much chaos has been left in their wake. Water and sunlight have interesting effects on this creature. Wondering if you have any information
on any other creatures with similarities. In a related vein, a friend of mine's dad died tragically and is now cursed to be a snowman traumatized a Christmas Grinch, where the creatures you mentioned here, Mr Grinch are quite fascinating, and of course they do flect the importance of water and in in various terrestrial creatures creatures of the natural world. There's also a lot to say about them concerning the role of water scarcity in the anatomies and behaviors of
many creatures. But I have great news for you. In general, your aversion to the holidays can actually be somewhat solved via your boyfriend's new pet. While the strange rules concerning the creatures biology might seem limiting, especially if you find yourself in a small town environment, the possibility is absolutely open up if you venture into a major metropolitan area.
Travel to say New York City, and you'll find not only a robust arts scene, but also the necessary infrastructure to allow the creatures to multiply and cause mayham without getting so out of control is to cause the downfall of civilization. If you need assistance, I can refer you to a colleague of mine in the city one, doctor Cushion Gatherater. Next question, this one comes to us from Malla. Mama writes Raw. I'm writing concerning a frequently misunderstood holiday,
literally called Life Day. People frequently recoil in horror and disgust when I mentioned my beloved celebration of freedom. Admittedly it does involve somewhat inappropriate gifts, bizarre, haunting and improbable musical in cartoon numbers, walking inexplicably in space, red robes, malfunctioning cyborgs, and of course the vague sense that your life is flashing before your eyes. But it is a
cause for celebration, not fear. I implore you to spread the truth about Life Day and assure all gentle beings it is nothing to be afraid of, nothing months to us about it at all. Woof, woof, Mala, Well, Mala, your winter festival sounds fascinating, especially the part about malfunctioning cyborgs. I'm not sure how successful it can be, However, if it is not monstrous. After all, the best holidays have monsters of some form of supernatural being. Though perhaps you're
just not telling me everything. Here is another one. This one comes to us from Humbug in advance Sleepless in London. Dr Jesser, curious if you know about ghosts that haunt and guilt trip you to make you see the quote unquote error of your ways and quote unquote field a holiday spirit. I've been terrorized by memories of my past and threats of eternal damnation when I just want a decent night's rest, to earn a modest living, and to be left alone. Is it possible there is more of
gravy than of the grave going on here. I'm talking about food poisoning. If that wasn't clear, Humbug and advanced Sleepless in London. Dear Humbug, I myself am routinely visited by three time traveling ghosts every holiday. They urge me to abandon my studies, to give maxwell more time off, and of course, to become more charitable to my fellow man,
as if my work were not charity enough. If your ghosts are connected to food poisoning, I'd advise checking your food stuff, so over, well before you dine and check your can labels, look for curious bulges and avoid the older stuff with possible lead contamination. And if your ghosts are more spiritual in nature, well nothing works better than a highly focused and readily polarized proton stream to electrostatically
trap the negatively charged energy of a ghost. I would install these at regular intervals around you're canopied and curtained bed, and then you should be good to go have a good night's sleep. And that's all we have for this week. It's time to push stop on our recording, to send out the tape and settled in for a long winter's nap. By the time you hear this, the monster and the
events will have finished its rampage. Christmas will have passed for now, but the next visitation by Santa and his various skin is just less than a year away, so watch out. This is Dr Anton Jessup saying good night and end recording. Hey everybody, this is Robert. Thanks again to Dr Anton Jessup for filling in this week, and thanks to any wreaths of stuff Mom never told you and Savor for supplying most all of these lovely fictional questions. Thanks to Max no relation to Maxwell, and j J
for producing the show. Regular listener mail will return next week, but feel free to reach out to Joe Me or even Dr Anton Jessuph himself. I will forward it to him and have it transcribed onto paper or into a telegram. You can email us at contact at stuff to Blow your Mind dot com. Stuff to Blow Your Mind is production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts for my heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.