How to Slowly Stop Negative Coping Skills

Do you use negative coping skills to reduce your numbness, your panic, your feelings of being alone or maybe rage or something else? You're absolutely not alone. I think a lot of people do that. Those emotions are really challenging to say the least. In this episode, I'm going to share a framework with you for understanding and slowly stopping those negative coping skills so that you can relieve your shame and your judgment. My name is Justin Sunseri.

I'm a therapist, a coach, and the creator of the Polyvagal Trauma Relief System. Welcome to Stuck Not Broken, where I teach you how to live with more calm, confidence, and connection without psychobabble. What I'm going to share with you is actually a clip from one of my meetups with my private community. I'll have more information at the end of this, if you're interested in joining us in the next one.

I mentioned the polyvagal theory in this clip and things like behavioral adaptations and safety state and stuff like that. If you don't know what the polyvagal theory is, that is okay. I have a link in the description for you. It's a free resource. It's a webpage. You don't have to give me your email. Don't have to sign up for anything. It's just click the link, go to that page, read up on the polyvagal theory. It's pretty quick.

And then come on back here and you'll get more out of this conversation. And by the way, this is not therapy, nor is it intended to be therapy or replace therapy. Enjoy. If you're, if you're able to notice the activation and withhold the behavioral adaptation, if you're able to notice the activation and pull back on the behavioral adaptation. And maybe give yourself a little bit of time to feel it and then allow another thought to pop in your mind or your safety anchoring menu or whatever it is.

Yeah, that'd be ideal. That'd be fantastic. These behavioral adaptations, if they're destructive, don't do them. If it's, you know, cutting, I don't want people to do that. Like I work with people that they do struggle with like I want to eat to feel better. Like, okay, let's just, just respect that. That's a way that your body's come up with. And it has been successful in a way it has successfully contained your defensive activation and made you feel better So in a way it kind of has worked.

Okay, let's just respect it for what it is But what I'm hearing is that you want to do something different. Great. That's that's fantastic So it's really hard to stop that but I recognize you want to stop that So that what we can do then is the next time that you notice yourself going toward the Oreos or the Whatever it is, ice cream, whatever.

The next time you notice yourself going to that, if you can just kind of catch it and tell yourself, I'm allowed to, I can do this if I want to, but I'm gonna give myself five minutes before I do, you know, or I'm allowed to eat whatever it is. I can do that. I can make that choice. I'm an adult. I can do that if I want to, and I'll give myself permission, but I'm going to go first, take a deep breath in another room or maybe walk around the block or whatever. I'm going to do something else.

And then when I come back, if I still want it, I might give myself permission to do that without, without judge, it's just a choice that I'm making at that point.

So it could look like that. Like it's, it might buy you a time, a little bit of time. You're giving yourself permission if you want to, but you're also taking complete ownership over it. Like if you do choose to do that, that is just a choice that you're making and there's no point in beating yourself up over it. And we'll see what happens next time.

So I, I think it's not a bad way to go about it either is catching it, give yourself permission, but the con, the contingency is that you got to do something to, to create that time in between the behavioral adaptation and the realization of the behavioral adaptation. But that requires doing that, right? It's a framework. Think of it as like a framework because if you can catch it and do something different, that's ideal. Go ahead and do that. But that is very, very difficult.

So as like a step toward that as like an intermediate step, that's where this idea could play in, which is give yourself permission, but the rule is you have to do something else. The step before that would be to completely deprive yourself of whatever the thing is and just, you don't have it in the home. That way it's not even an option. You know, that could be a very extreme step in the other direction. So it's like, how do we make steps toward the goal of, I want to reduce my binge eating.

What's the step toward that that's going to help you out this next time?

Because it will, it will come up again. And maybe you can be honest with yourself and say, I can't handle, first off, I won't even be able to notice that I'm in the behavioral adaptation until I'm actually in it. You know, so I'm not that far enough along with my safety state development to recognize it before it's there. Or maybe you're far enough along to where you can recognize it before that first bite, but then at that distance, it's like, I can't fight this.

And maybe that's real or maybe you're far enough along in developing your safety state where as you're walking towards the kitchen You're like, oh, I I know what's happening. I see it happening. I see it unfolding before me And so it's like what I think it's kind of like where can you notice that the behavioral adaptation is kicking in? Ideally, you notice it as some mild dysregulation before it even kicks in So it's just like it's how can we break this process up to make it work?

more likely that somebody will do something that's a safety anchoring exercise or a UDS exercise. How do we make it more likely you'll do something like that versus, uh, not, I guess. The extreme other side is having a F it attitude. Yeah. So that, that would be the extreme of behavioral adaptation is that you're, someone is in dysregulation and they've reached maybe a fight or rage F it. So that's one extreme. The other extreme is I deprive myself of anything that.

Maybe I do genuinely enjoy it. Maybe I like Oreos a lot. But the other extreme would be I just I can't have access to this and maybe that's real. Maybe that's that's what someone needs. In between those extremes though, I think there's a lot of options and maybe it's I've caught it and I can do something else. Great job. Pat yourself on the back. Maybe it's, F it and I'm gonna do it, but I'll restrict myself to five versus ten Oreos. I'm just saying Oreos as an example.

I have no idea if that's anybody's a go to or not. But maybe it's F it, but here's my constraint. I'm gonna eat my five Oreos and then I'm gonna scream. I don't know. Maybe the adaptation is F it. I'm gonna eat as many Oreos as I want, but I have to take one deep breath in between each one. None of these are gonna be pleasurable. I'm not saying that whatsoever, but how can we go from the extreme to You know, toward mindful, how can we work our way back toward mindfulness?

And so all or nothing does not typically work for most people. If you could do it, go right ahead. If someone could do all or nothing great, but there might be like a baby step the next day or today that you can make that someone can make today. And then the next day it's like, can I do one step better? Can I do one Oreo less compared to yesterday? Maybe. Or can I take two deep breaths in between each Oreo versus one?

So can we get that, you know, can we, can we draw out the potential for more safety in our system and less dysregulation? You sort of like preparing yourself. Yeah, I think the preparation, that's actually the, that's the second stage of change. Uh, the first one is. Not even being aware you need change.

I forget what they call that, but the second stage is Contemplation the third one is I think preparation and that's where you know, you have a problem You're not quite ready to do anything about it, but you're preparing for it You're putting things into place and maybe one of those things is having you know, this is my final day I'm gonna give myself two weeks to do whatever my behavioral adaptation is But every day I'm gonna do it less and less and on this final day, that is

the day I'm gonna stop Preparation could involve something like this, like that. Preparation could be, I know I'm going to do this thing anyways. How can I minimize the impact that I'm having on myself? You know, what else can I set up? Maybe that's a deep breath in between bites. Maybe that's a regulation station where you go and use your safety anchors or fidgets or coping skills. Um, so yeah, the ideal is that we can have food and be at peace with

it and be in the moment and taste it and enjoy it and socialize maybe. Right. That's the ideal. And maybe that's, that's actually one end of the extreme is the ideal. The other end of the extreme is complete dysregulation. This is my behavioral adaptation kind of thing. So how do you work toward that, toward the ideal? And maybe you'll never get there. That's not the point. The point is how can you work your way toward that, which would have more self regulation involved.

Thanks for joining me here on Stuck Not Broken. Being stuck can show up in many different ways, like anxiety and anger, depression, overwhelm, panic, fear, and more. You probably get the idea. And you might be using one of those behavioral adaptations that we mentioned in this episode, like binge eating, as a way to cope.

If you're ready to take the next steps on getting unstuck without spending a ton of money, then I invite you to consider subscribing to my Stuck Not Broken Total Access Membership. You'll get exclusive access to the knowledge you need through my Polyvagal Trauma Relief System. I have three courses that teach you the Polyvagal Theory, how to build your safety state, and then how to actively get unstuck from your traumatized state.

You'll also get the option of connecting with me and other people in the private community discussion board, but also our meetups, and there's some really cool things happening within; there's a great little community. And if you want to go even deeper into your unstucking process, there's some other stuff for you like a second exclusive podcast. Thank you so much for spending some time with me here on the Stuck Not Broken podcast.

I really look forward to welcoming you into the Stuck Not Broken total access membership. I'll have a link for you in the description. Other than that, I hope this episode has been a helpful resource for you. Bye. This podcast is not therapy, not intended to be therapy or be a replacement for therapy. Nothing in this creates or indicates a therapeutic relationship. Please consult with your therapist or seek for one in your area if you are

experiencing mental health symptoms. Nothing in this podcast should be construed to be specific life advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. More resources are available in the description of this episode and in the footer of justinlmft. com.