Happy Thanksgiving week moms that lead. I hope you're able to spend some time this week, relaxing with your family and friends. And focusing on what you've been grateful for in the past year. Just like we talked about at the beginning of last week's episode. But I have a question for you. What would you say if someone asked who you were. Would you start rattling off your roles? Uh, I'm a mom to three. My wife to my husband. I'm a corporate executive.
I'm a volunteer leader for my favorite charity. Is that what your answer would be? Today's episode focuses on getting to the core of who we are. So that we can show up as authentic leaders. Who are not overly attached. To our roles. And to unrealistic baseless expectations. It builds on the sore exercise that we talked about on last week's episode. Providing one area that you may want to focus on. For your aspirations in 2022. I'm excited to have crystal fry on the episode to talk about this.
She is an empowerment coach, helping women of faith. Eliminate their limiting beliefs. Embrace change. And transform their lives. As a wife of nearly 20 years, a mother to two incredible sons. And a former corporate executive. She intimately knows the burden of stress and the struggle and frustration of trying to keep it all together. While maintaining balance and harmony in her life. She understands what it means to lose your identity to the roles in your life. And the profound impact.
That has on your happiness and on your wellbeing. We unpack a lot in today's conversation with some practical tips to get started. And how to detach yourself from those roles. And really get. To your leadership core. But before we jump into our conversation. Let me introduce myself also.
Hey are you ready to jump off the hamster wheel and finally listen to that voice inside that says you were meant for more. Are you ready to replace overwhelm with calm and clarity? Self-doubt with confidence and mom guilt with connection. Then you're in the right place. Welcome to the Moms that Lead podcast, where we know that moms have a unique ability to be world changers. And that leadership is not about position.
But instead "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more than you are a leader." I'm Teri Schmidt, your host and leadership mentor, determined to bring you the inspiration, motivation, and practical tips to help you live your best life. I'm a corporate leader and coach turned nonprofit founder. My family's journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon changed my life forever.
And I want to be your friend on the journey to gain the clarity, confidence, and connection that I gained from that experience. So if you're ready to ditch mom guilt and activate your strengths, let's jump in. Oh, welcome crystal to the moms that lead podcast are so happy to have you here.
Terry. It is my pleasure. Thank you for having me on today.
Of course. And I'd love to just start with you. Can you tell us a little bit about your story and really your journey to where you are today?
Absolutely. You know, oddly enough, this will used to be one of the questions that I feared the, tell me a little bit about yourself, because I never knew what to say. I would actually usually ask, well, what do you want to do? Yeah. And we could, yeah, we could talk way more about that later, but I'd love to introduce myself to your audience. I am an empowerment coach and speaker. I help women of faith get rid of their limiting beliefs, identify who they are in Christ Jesus and find their.
Forward. I recently answered God's call to start teaching the word. So I'm also doing that through my YouTube channel where I'm posting weekly videos to help walk through with what I am sincerely hoping is some ease and better understanding on how to apply what the Bible says. The life that we live now, you know, it was a really long time ago. It's still so applicable to us today and there's so much to learn from it. I have been married for almost 20 years and I am a mama to two incredible sons.
And I am just so excited to be here with you today?
Well, that's wonderful such an exciting path. It sounds like you're on. And the fact that you now enjoy answering that question, I think is a sign that you are on the path that you're meant to be on. So thank you for that. I'd love to talk to you a little bit more about, you mentioned you're an empowerment coach and you're working with women. What are some of the biggest challenges that you help? Female leaders overcome?
Oh, so there are, there are three, like the top three that I see more often than anything else. And interestingly, even when these aren't what presents originally, these are usually somewhere buried in the core and it's imposter syndrome. It's overcoming limiting beliefs. And it's really finding their actual identity, like who they are. You know, imposter syndrome is a, is kind of a buzzword right now and, and you see it and you hear about it and people kind of toss it around in the space.
But honestly, and truly when you dig into what that is, it really, it looks like our inability to, to appreciate what God has given us and how we're able to show up. And it goes back to not understanding who we really are. And Terry, I know you and I have talked about this, but I actually really dug in deep on this and, and created an entire masterclass. Overcoming imposter syndrome and building that authentic confidence so that you can push through it. So that's something that I would love.
It's a free resource. I would love to give it to you so that your listeners can have that because it is a sticking point for us, especially as women, whether we're in the house, whether we are out the house, whether we are, you know, it doesn't matter what we're doing. Some of us are really crippled.
Definitely agree. And thank you for offering that. That's so generous of you, and we'll definitely make sure to link that in the show notes, because as you said, it affects women and I would say probably men too, but definitely affects women regardless of the role that they are playing.
Yes. Yes, it does. And it can, it leads into so many other things. It holds us back from being able to do the things that God is calling us to do. Again, whether that's leading within our homes, whether it's, you know, leading our children as we've raised them.
And then as we move into the next stage of our life, whether it's leading in our career, when we don't feel like we belong, When we don't feel like we've, I'm going to use air quotes and I know your audience can't see me use the air quotes, but when we don't feel like we deserve to be in that position, whatever the position is, it holds us back from being able to shine the way that God needs us to shine.
Exactly. And, and you can't effectively help others to shine. You can't help them by leading them. If you don't feel that you yourself are qualified or should be where you are.
Exactly.
Well, great. That's like I said, we'll definitely link that masterclass in the show notes. What are the two other challenges that you were talking about?
So overcoming limiting beliefs. That that feeds in line with imposter syndrome. Our limiting beliefs oftentimes are what create the environment for imposter syndrome to show up because we don't believe that we can, or we tell ourselves I like to call limiting beliefs. They're just, they're ugly little scripts that play like they're, it's a tape reel in your mind, telling you all the reasons.
Almost none of which are true by the way, you know that you can't do something or you're not good enough, dad is the big one. Not good enough, not a good enough wife, not a good enough mother, not a good enough boss, not a good enough employee, not good enough entrepreneur. How am I ever going to do this? You know, I can't run my own business. I can't raise children. Like I can't, I can't, I can't all of those things, those limiting beliefs, and again, they stopped.
From being able to really step fully into what God has called us to do. And it's in dealing with those limiting beliefs, you know, cause they're all a part of our mindset and our thoughts and that's how they get, you know, when you tell yourself something a thousand times and a thousand times and a thousand times more, you believe it, it doesn't matter what it is. You know, that's the way our brain works, repetition, repetition, repetition.
So instead of, you know, allowing us to be in that space where we're talking down to ourselves and we're believing those negative things about ourselves, you know, the enemy uses that as a gateway to come in and say, yeah, don't do that. Like, yeah, you're not good enough because what does that do? That keeps us. And if we're stuck, we're not serving the purpose that God created us to serve. So that that's the limiting belief aspect.
And then finding their real identity, like who you really are when you strip away all of your. Who are you when you're not a mom, a wife you know, an employee and employer, all of the things when you're not the PTO person, when you're not baking cookies, when you're not doing all the things Right. When you're not doing carpool, when you're not at baseball practice, you know, moms do everything, but who are you when all of that is not. And that's another place where we really struggle as women
I'd love to dig into that one a little bit more. Why do you feel that it's so important for women to take a look at who they are when all those roles are stripped away?
well, because for most of us, And I don't deal with absolutes, you know, when it comes to things like this, because what I would want to say is all of us struggle with this, but I'm sure someone will be like, oh no, not me. So I will say most of them.
Mm.
Most of us struggle with our value and our self-worth and we have this need to be loved and to belong. That is a basic human need. We need that. But when we don't know who we are, we tend to attach our value and our worth to how we perform in our. My value is attached to how good of a wifi I am. How good of a mother I am, how well my children behave. Listen, I struggled with that one personally. Okay. And, and my children thankfully were relatively well behaved.
My youngest though, had some he was a little more challenged with. Containing his emotions. He has big emotions. He's a beautiful child. He has big emotions, but he had a little bit of difficulty containing them from time to time. And it was heartbreaking for me in a couple of ways. One, I really wanted to help him work through that, but to the place I was at that point in my life was, oh my gosh, I'm a terrible mother. And everyone's going to think.
That's what everyone thinks about me as I am now a, a horrible mother, you know, because I'm unable to help him resolve this issue.
And I know that's not an uncommon feeling at all, and it's sad and a little bit funny and I don't know how to describe it, but the fact is controlling other human beings is not something. That is a reliable way to judge our value, because it is so uncontrollable. We, unfortunately, no matter how well we parent or how much we teach at home, they're human beings. They're they're little human beings running around and we cannot predict how they're going to behave in all situations.
That's exactly right. And even, you know, we talk about that with our children, but that is the exact same, that concept is the same as it runs through any relationship that we have with another human being in your, in spousal relationship or your partner relationship. You know, when you look at that, And like I said, in the, in the intro, like I've been married for almost 20 years. I did tell my husband that when we hit that 20 year mark on our anniversary he offered and I accepted that.
He's gonna put me up for sainthood because, you know, Laughter is one of the reasons why we have maintained a marriage for this long. It's not been an easy road. Okay. I will give you no, there's absolutely no way we have struggled. We've struggled deeply. We have, thankfully by the grace of God, been able to overcome a lot of things, but it's hard work and it's not predictable. It's very difficult to predict how someone will respond. And we are not in charge of the responses of other people.
We are in charge of our responses to the situation and that lesson. I tried to instill that in my kids when they were little. They would be in the backseat. And inevitably if you have more than one child, and if they're both boys, you will hear my heart on this. As you are driving down the road, wherever you're going, and you hear behind you like this smack, you know, because you know that a hand has flailed across the car. And has landed on their brother. Okay. Intentionally yes, let's face.
It usually is when they're little and, and all I would hear was, oh, well he made me mad. He made me hit him. No, no, no, no. Yes. What he did may have caused you to feel upset, angry, mad, all the things, but you chose. To respond with hitting him. And that's something that we as adults, a lot of us struggle with that as adults, you know? Well, they may be mad. So this is why I did this. It was a choice, you know, it was a choice. And we don't like to hear that.
Like we don't like to hear that, you know, we don't like to be accountable, but it is our choice. And it's the same thing with all of these, you know, as we talk about leadership, how we choose to lead, it's a choice. It's a choice in how we choose to lead.
Right. Right. Definitely. So if we do then attach our value to those roles, those relationships that sounds like a recipe for. Being unfulfilled, not truly becoming the leader that you were created to be. So let's say we've convinced everyone that they shouldn't attach their value to those external roles. Where do you even start? How do you go about detaching from that? Or, you know, taking some time to acknowledge that, but then what's the next step
that's, that's an excellent question. And one that? I personally wrestled with like, okay, well, I'm Not supposed to do this well now, how do I fix it? You know, like, hello, you just told me that I've been telling myself these negative thoughts, you know, for the last 20 years, like it's been on repeat. so what now I just tell myself something else, like, on crystal. Like it doesn't work like that.
Yeah. But the important thing is that the self-awareness, you know, that's, that's our first that's our critical first step is, is being in a place where. You can honestly say, okay, wait a minute. Maybe this has some merit and be curious non-judgemental and curious, and start to follow that path. Start to evaluate the expectations that you feel you have to live up to. And I'm going to insert a little word of caution here and, and give your, your listeners some questions to ask them.
You know, are these real expectations or are they perceived you did someone actually tell me these things? Did someone actually tell me example sidetrack? When I was a kid and growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a housewife. I wanted to be like the 1950s, like pearls, give my husband, you know, like I don't even know what they're called a little thing. A Brandy, when he got home, whatever, like vacuum like apron, the whole nine yards. Right? Like that's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to, I would have given Joan Cleaver a run for her money. Okay. Yeah. Now that aside, my husband never told me that was his expectation of me. My husband never told me that he expected me to know. Dinner ready when he got home while I was also working outside the home, you know, once we became, I was fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with both of my children when I was working and we had children.
And so we're both working and we have children and we have things and we, there was never, he never said, babe, I realized that. You're working full-time and that you do all these wonderful things with the children, but you're going to need to have dinner ready when I get, you know, like he never said that another reason why we're still married 20 years later, you know, but for me, I, because I so desperately wanted to care for and nurture my household, like.
If I were as if that were my only focus, that when I couldn't meet my perceived expectations of being a perfect wife and a perfect mother and creating a perfect home, I went down a spiral on myself. I beat myself up, no one ever put those expectations on me. I put them on me. They weren't real. They were pursuing. So as you start to travel down that road of looking at these expectations, are they real? Are they not? And then why are you trying to meet them?
Like, what's the reason we, we do so many things without even knowing why we do them. Why are you trying to meet those experts? Are you searching for love, belonging, understanding, acceptance, like this is hard work like, and this is not an overnight thing. I want to be very clear about that too. This is work, but it's so worth it. So worth it.
So if you have a woman that you're helping work through this process, then it sounds to me like the first step is kind of like just mapping it all out, thinking, okay. Who I am, what are all these different roles that I need to. Make sure that I'm not attaching my value to. And then, like you mentioned asking those questions about the expectations, what expectations are associated with this role and are they real or perceived? And if they're perceived, where are they coming from?
did I catch that right?
Yes. Yes. We are like onions and this whole process, like we literally you're peeling it back. You're peeling it back and you never arrive, you know, like we're constantly in this place of continuing to learn more about who we are. As you grow and develop and evolve and you become more of the person that God created you to be. You start to discover more about that. So as you start that process of starting to peel back, like, what are these roles? What do I do?
Like separating yourself from what you do and understanding that that's part of you, but it's not who you are. You are a child of God created for a purpose. That purpose may include being a mom. You know, that purpose may include being a wife. That purpose may include being XYZ, whatever your role is outside of the home. But that is not who you are. You were created as a child of God, you were created in love. And that's where you start understanding that that's who you are
Yeah.
now. How can that fill into everything that.
Yeah, I love that you went there because it sounds to me like this could be a painful process, kind of the peeling of the onion, the disassociating, our value from the roles that we play, because on one hand that could feel a little bit more concrete, right? Especially if you are a performance driven person where. Your value is all about how well you do at different things. And, and maybe you are someone who does very well at many different roles.
And so this associating that, or detaching that from your value, I imagine could be painful and could leave you feeling a little empty. Have you had that experience with women that you've worked with?
I've actually had that experience personally, as I was going through this process myself, because I am one of those high achievers. Like I am one of those overachievers when I. When I went back to college the first two and a half years I was married, I was working full time, you know, children doing all the things. Oh. And now I'm going to go back to school too and get a degree. Yeah. Good job crystal.
Yeah. Cause you don't actually want to sleep or, you know, live, you know, but you know, the first, the first half of that journey for me, I had a 4.0 GPA. And I prided myself on that, you know, look, I'm doing all of these things and still I'm maintaining like, you know, like I'm doing really good job for me. And I didn't like shout that to other people. It was, for me, it was validating me that I was worthy, that I was, you know, that I was a good person.
It sounds so crazy when I say that now. But the first time, my GPA dropped from a four point. It dropped from a 4.0 to a 3.98. And I thought the world was going to end for me. I thought it was going to end for me because now I'm not going to graduate with this. Perfect. And you know, when I think about it now, like no one cares. No one cares whether you're Magna or Summa, Coombe loud, like nobody cares. They don't look at that.
You don't have it on your license plate or a bumper sticker.
And oddly enough, funny enough, I don't even have my degrees posted anywhere. They're not even framed. Like I don't even have them framed. They're literally in a folder in a file cabinet. You know, so as we look and we unpack, it was very painful for me because I had never, I had never really found that I was worthy just me. Like just me. I always had to have external validation. And so this was there were a lot of tears for me in this process, but what that helped me to see.
And what that helped me to realize was that I was enough just by myself, because God chose to create me like that in alone. There you go. Like you are enough. God chose to create you before he created everything else. He knew you, he saw you. He chose you. He loved you. That makes you enough.
Yeah.
Nothing else. It doesn't matter what anybody else, everything else is, does Grady. Right. That alone makes you enough.
So beautiful by also think, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that sometimes. Difficult to internalize. And like you said, kind of shut off those voices that have been playing in your head for, for so many years. But I think the practical exercise that you talk about of even just acknowledging the roles and acknowledging the expectations that are associated with them can help you to.
Then see maybe some of the fallacy or some of the untruth around you think that your value is defined by those roles. So Thank you for sharing that. I think. There are a lot of applications to leadership to can you talk to me a little bit more about either women that you've worked with or your personal experience? How does peeling away those layers disassociating your value from those roles? How does that affect how you show up as a leader in your life?
Oh, that that is the incredible thing about it. When you, when you are able to stand in your value, your truth, apart from everything else, just knowing that you yourself are enough, you show up in a way that you can really, you can fully serve those that you are called to serve. 'cause you're bringing your whole self with you. You're you're not hiding or you're not just bringing a part of yourself, the piece that you think they want to see. And this makes me think about social media a lot.
You know, people, social media is a highlight reel. You know, it's just, it's just the high points of people's lives. You know, when you come and you bring your whole self. You're able to serve in a deeper capacity.
And if you're outside of the home, if you're in a leadership role and you have people who are reporting to you, people that you are responsible for in the work environment, if you are coming into that space and you're, you're coming in as who you are, people are going to connect with you more because they see.
And they feel like you see them there's there is a, just a much greater sense of authenticity, you know, like you're not showing up and like, oh, well, you're kind of giving me a part of you, but I can really tell that you're hiding a lot. You know, you're really pulling back a lot of who you are. You know, when you show up as your full self, you build deeper bonds of trust. You're able to really serve and go further because you are bringing all of who you are to the table.
Yeah, I think there is so much to be said for bringing your authentic self to leadership. No matter. How good we think we are at presenting something that is not our authentic self. You are not going to build trust with those you lead, unless you truly are bringing your authentic self.
And I think also when you have, when you are associating your value with those different roles that you're playing, that can affect how you're leading, that can affect, you know, your particular mood that day, because maybe. You had a tough morning and you were screaming at your kids. You're gonna come into your leadership role feeling, not so good about yourself and that's not going to. Bode well for how you lead others that day.
So I think those two things combined can just, just speak to the value of, like you said, associating your value, not with those roles and, and your performance in those roles, but instead associating your value with who you are, how you already are so low. And we, we do a lot of that work in the ground phase of our leadership development model.
Just getting clarity on what our strengths are, what our passions are, what our values are, because we believe so strongly that everyone is created with this unique purpose and this unique value that is kind of a puzzle piece in the grand puzzle of the world that needs to be there. So I, I love that you bring that up.
I love that analogy. I always, I always talk about a topic. You know, like we eat we are all given our own unique talents and gifts and we're meant to use them. And each one of us, we are just a single thread, you know, that gets woven into the beautiful tapestry of humankind. Like when you, when you can take the time to elevate your perspective. You know, out of just like, this is my life and this is what I'm doing, you know, because that's where we stay most of the time. Right. We are human.
And that is where we stay like world. I wish you the best, but you know, the, the Bacon's burning in the kitchen, you know, so, you know, we spend so much of our time just focused within our own little world, but when we are able to make the time. To elevate our perspective and to appreciate how masterful our creator truly is that, you know, all of the different things that are happening. Yes, we have a lot of difficult things that are happening in our world.
There are always throughout all of history. There are always difficult things that are happening. But then you look to the other side and you can see how incredible and how wonderful, you know, things are that are happening. How people, how people come into your life at just the right time. It just the right moment. They say just the right word. You know, all of these things that are so gloriously, orchestrated. In, you know, in, for our benefit, right. For our benefit.
And as we take the time to really kind of back off and, and have the ability to appreciate what we can see and what we can't see and know that it is working, you know, for our good, it just, it helps us to not put so much weight on the little things that have. That might try to throw us off course. You know, like the argument that you have with your husband over what color, the wallpapers.
Now, for those women who are leading in the workforce, do you have any advice for them? If they have. Other women that they are leading, that they can really see are attaching their value to these different roles. Instead of knowing that they have inherent value or maybe they're, you know, A consequence of that, dealing with limiting beliefs are imposter syndrome. And maybe they're not people of faith.
What, what are your thoughts on how a leader could help other women to get to this point where they do recognize their value is not just attached to those roles?
I think that the best. That we can do in that instance whether they are women of faith or not is to model the behavior for them is to show them what it looks like. And to, you know, I, I always encourage any time. There's a situation where you're not sure what to do. I always encourage people to take, take that into prayer, you know, ask for that guidance. You know, we were given the holy spirit with. As a teacher, as a guide guide as a wise counselor for us.
And especially in instances where you're not sure about their faith or maybe, you know, that they're not a person of faith. Ask for guidance on how to approach that subject, you know ask for openings. Ask for your own understanding because sometimes like, we want to be like, oh, listen, I don't know if you know, but like Jesus is the bee's knees, you know, like we just want to like, here's my Bible.
I want to would just going to shove it down your throat, you know, like there's a time and a place for that, you know, but, but more often than not. Real change happens in other people's lives. When they see us show up as genuine as authentic, you know, when your, when you've taken off all these layers and that light God put inside of you can shine. People will be attracted to that light
Right.
and, and you'll draw them in without, without how you don't have to go chase them. Like, they will be attracted to what it is that you have. And they may not know what it is, but they'll want to be around you and they'll run a B in your space. And when you show up as the leader that God has called you to be, you're actually unconsciously giving other women permission to do the same.
That's so true.
Yeah.
I love that.
And encourage coaching and mentoring and all of these things, you know, you are a coach. I am a coach. We both know that coaching is incredibly valuable to have someone who's already been in the space where you're trying to get to and they can help bring you along. You know? So in some instances, and I've experienced this too, I may not be a really good fit for that. But I can see the need and they recognize the need, but for whatever reason, like I'm not the right person to serve them.
That allows me to help guide them maybe to someone who is, you know, so I, I still, I get to play the role that God put me in, which is to connect, you know, to connect them where they can really be nurtured and fed and grow into all that. God has created them.
That's great. Well, thank you so much. This has been such an inspiring conversation. We do have a question that we ask all of our guests on this season of moms that lead, and that is what's the one leadership lesson that you feel most passionate about passing on. So if you had to pick one lesson either to pass on to your kids, or maybe to the women that you work with, what would that one leadership lesson be?
Oh, that would be? find your identity lead with. Yeah. Remember that we are all equal in the eyes of God. Just find who you are and lead from there.
That's that's wonderful. And I think fits so well together because once you find that identity, then you can lead with love.
Yes.
Excellent. Well, crystal, how can people learn more about the work that you do? I obviously will put your website in the show notes and make sure that everyone has access to that masterclass you were speaking of, but how else can they follow you and stay connected with you?
Honestly, Terry, my website is the one-stop shop. Www.crystalfry.com. You can send me a message from there. You can sign up for my email list. Like you could check out the ministry work, you can get all my social. I'd be like all the things, right. It's all, all the things are all right there. So I tried to make it super easy. So no one has to chase anything.
That's very nice of you, especially, especially in these times where we're bombarded with. Not only the tasks that we're responsible for completing, but also the different messages and pieces of information that are coming in and available to us. So thank you for making it so easy. We'll definitely make sure that that website is linked in the show notes and easy to access. Well, thank you again for coming on today. We really appreciate everything that you had to share with us.
Oh, it's been my joy and my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.
Definitely a challenging and inspiring conversation. Here are your takeaways. We all have a needs to be loved and belong. But when we don't know who we are, we tend to attach our value and our worth to how we perform in our different roles. Which can lead to a loss of confidence, imposter syndrome. And telemetry and beliefs. Another one. To start the process of detaching our identity from these roles. Take some time to list out all of the roles you play.
Then write down the expectations that are associated with those roles. Taking time to think about if those expectations are actually real. Or if they were fabricated by you. This will start to peel back the onion. Making room for the work that we do in our ground phase of our leadership development model. Getting clarity around the core of who you are as a leader. And finally, when you are more aware of who you are at your core, You're more able to bring your whole self to your leadership.
Which in turn helps people to connect with you better. And to trust you more easily and more deeply. So I hope in 2022, we can all work together to, as crystal said, Find who we are. And lead from there. We'll be back next week with another episode to help you plan out your leadership growth in 2022.
And as always. Until next time, lead with love.