Stories That Will Swipe Your V Card (With Lauren Vogelbaum!)

unrelatable circumstance. I'm basically a walking COMBA patient. First of all, shut up, Okay, You're better than that. You're a goddamn fable baby. You're an elite member of a very intimate storytelling community who will welcome anyone except Seth Rogan. Have some hashtag self respect, God damnit. Secondly, and I am a firm believer of this. Everyone has at least one great story to tell. You just gotta know where to look in your own life, you know what I mean.

And one of my favorite prompts, or one of my favorite places to look when when mining for story gold is first's first's make for great stories. First job. Okay, my first job was I was ice cream scooper at Hogandas in the Pacific Palisades, which explains my crippling addiction to Dulsa de Lece. I was a terrible employee. I got us a be health rating because the health inspector walked in while I was eating ice cream out of a milkshake tin. Busted. I mean, what else? What other? First?

First car? Okay, my first car was a Chevy Nova, and I thought it was gonna be the you know, like a total chick magnet, but actually it was just a lot of middle aged men approaching me at gas stations asking like what you got under the hood, But that was not my intention. First time, you know, first time smoking weed. I wonder what that's like. I bet that's cool. Or first love, you know, first kiss, first

time making love. I'm not going to share that story because my mom listens to every episode of this and I'd rather her not have that information. Hi, Mom, I

know you have my mail. I'll come pick it up soon. Anyway, for the last episode of the season, which is in two weeks, I would love to hear your first stories, and all you gotta do is call the Storytime hotline at three two, three four one eighteen seventy three and leave us a story on the voicemail There just a heads up, there's a three minute time limit, so if you get caught off, just call back and you know,

pick up wherever you left off. Or if you're a shy little guy, you can record your story on your memos app on your little cell phone and email it to us at story time at collab dot Inc. However you want to tell your tale, you know, whatever makes you feel most comfortable. Tell us about the first time you saw a ghost, or the first time you had sex, or the first time you had sex with a ghost. I want to hear about it, and I want to

show are it on the internet. Okay, cool. Now all of that brings us to our very special guest, Lauren Vogelbaum, who is telling a first story of her own. You may know Lauren as the host of the podcast Saver or brain Stuff, or if you're more into murder, you probably know her from American Shadows or the Second oil Age. And Lauren sat down and told me a little story that involved Jacqueline Hyde and eleven inch ween and some

very loud noises. And I'm going to give a content warning on this one because not because it's um, it's any kind of horrifying story. Nothing bad happens. I want you to feel like you're in a safe place. However, if you're like a family member or I don't know, a coworker, um like you guys, you might you might want to you might want to turn away now because I'm in fact going to talk about how I lost my virginity, which is such a strange phrase. Isn't it

like I didn't lose anything. I gained an amazing experience with my partner right and insinuates that you got to find it again. Yeah, I mean, I know where I left it. It's not it's not particularly lost. Um So, I was a little bit of a late bloomer in terms of dating. Um, I didn't start dating until I was nineteen years old. I had never kissed anyone. I was completely new to all of this because I was very repressed as a child. And uh so it kind

of took me a minute to get into it. And I I was part of, um the crew for the very worst, uh college age community production of Jackal and Hide the musical that has ever existed. That I mean, that gets me going right there? Like I'm I'm sorry if my parents are listening, but like I'm aroused at this point. I am a huge musical theater nerd. I love makes a musical theater. I've directed many musical theater productions and as many any of any of the listeners

story Time. No, a huge fan of the musical Cats Cats. Okay, that's a choice. Um, I still have never witnessed that show. I don't feel like it's a good idea. I mean it's sort of the movie, especially as a fever dream. Okay, well, I'll keep that in mind for the next time that I am looking for one of those. Yeah. Um, but so jaeckel and hide the musical if you're unfamiliar with it.

Um was I believe originated by David hasselhoff um in the Broadway production, and it's a it's it's a full orchestration, all mess. It is so over the top and you know, all singing, all dancing, and so we had for our production, um uh, a two two piece orchestra. It was, um, this nice old lady on a piano um and the guy who would be my first boyfriend on a bass guitar. That was it. That's it. That's it. I don't think you can call it an orchestra. He's called it a

two piece orchestra. I think that's just an old lady on piano and a guy on the base. There's the only things he's called two piece or a bikini. But I don't think you could say two piece orchestra. There's no word for that. Right, We've got a concerto a very small band. I'm not I'm not even sure if that counts as a band yet, Like I mean, even Green Day has three performers. But okay, so so we're out there doing what we can with less than Green

Day for sure. And Um, the the the titular Jacqueline Hide, the man in the titular titular role of Jacqueline Hyde is Um is slightly older than the rest of us. He's maybe about ten years older the rest of us, or maybe like I don't like, like like right around nineteen um. And he's a cam performer with an eleven inch penis and I and I know this because he he loved

talking about it. And be Um he was an ex boyfriend of this fellow who was playing the bass guitar, who I would go on to date Um, this fellow, his name is Robert He. Uh, he's we're still friends. He's he's very sweet but um, but he in fact, had never dated a woman before we dated. Um, he had sex with a couple of ladies, but he had only dated men. And um, and this was fine. I mean, you know, like like no no problems there whatsoever, except with his mother. His mother a wonderful woman. UM. Like

yea high to me. And this is a radio so you can't see how tall I am or where I'm holding my hand. She's about six ft seven, is what I'm Yeah, she's chewy sized and um, but very very sweet lady. UM, very nice. The first time that I met her, Um, he was introducing me to her. We had been dating for maybe like a month or so and uh, and we went to a steakhouse and we're ordering and you know, trying to have a nice dinner

and getting to know each other and um. Robert Robert um had visited Europe a few times and had gotten used to eating his fries with mayonnaise and uh, which is a lovely thing to do if that's what you're into. Um, this doesn't have anything to do with my virginity and that that part's coming later and uh. And so he asks the waitress if you could please have some mayo for his French fries when he orders, and his mother turns to me and she says, you know how Bob

likes the white creamy stuff. Hello, check please? Mother. I was like, okay, Like later I was like, did that go all right? Like is that how she normally behaves? And Bob was like, you know, she just I think you really threw her a curve ball, because you know, I was talking to her about it and she was just like, yeah, it's it's great. I'm glad if you feel you know, if you feel good about this person, it's wonderful. But Bob, boys don't get pregnant, and I'm concerned.

And I was like, oh, well it's I'm not going to either, I promise. UM working very hard on it at any rate. This was before we had even bound like I mean like it was so completely like like we were taking it so slow because I was so freaked out about just everything and so new at it, which is and he was an incredibly dear person about that. UM and so wait just to circle back, Okay, so we have the lead in jack Old. It was a nine year old with an eleven inch dong and and

he but he was also dating Robert previous. He previously dated the exes and then this, So this was sort of a showman's that developed between you and Robert, right right, yeah, because Um, I was props um And I mean, you know, you know what they say about pro and the bass guitar of the two piece orchestra, I don't. I'm so excited to find out they're They're definitely gonna bone it. Match made in heaven. So this experience, UM, does not drive us, does not drive us apart, It drives us together.

Um and uh. And we go on to to date for a good couple of years, and sometime during that time, UM, I'm I'm living at this point, um in off campus student housing that used to be on campus student housing, which by by which I mostly mean it's all concrete block. Um. You can hear everything that goes on in the entire building, paper thin concrete walls. Yes, just sound travels quite well through them. And uh, and it's one of those things where it's got the it's got the it's got the

split uh split floor plan. So you've got just like just like one big long room and then like a like a a middle section that's got closets and a kitchen, and the bathroom is off the kitchen for reasons I still don't understand. And then a second big long room for your roommate, and uh and things were we're progressing relationship wise, just just in a lovely way. Uh and and physically just in a lovely way. Emotionally and physically. It was it was, uh, I opening for both of us.

And we finally decide, you know, like, okay, okay, it's time. Uh, let's find the virginity. Let's let's find it and pin it down right there. And so we're kind of doing the thing, and I am experiencing a a number of sensations that I've never experienced before, and I am exuberant about them. Um sure, yeah, yeah yeah, and um and I was being vocally exuberant about them. And uh, we we had we had waited until my my roommate, who

had been there earlier that day. We had waited until we heard the front door open and closed, which meant to us that probably she had left. You know, we were trying, we were trying to be polite. We knew that my exuberance was a possibility, So I think we're alone, exactly exactly and so uh so we had heard the door open and closed, we started getting busy, and then we hear the door open and close again, and we're like, did she forget something? Has she has? She? Has she

come back to get something that she ished? Or maybe was her boyfriend over? And the first did what is? But at that point we're in the middle of it, and politeness is not really the top concern. Um, I'd say six or seven on the list, And so we figure whatever she she probably probably her boyfriend was over and he left, and now she's left, and so let's just keep going. So we do, and then we hear

the door open and close again. And at this point we're not We're just not sure, like art are there are there ghosts that are working with us while we're sucking like what like? What is? What exactly is happening here? It turns out, um, we find out later the first door was her boyfriend coming over, Her second door was the boyfriend realizing what was happening and leaving very promptly, and the third was her finally deciding that she could not take this anymore and and running into the night.

Um and and it wasn't until it wasn't until later that I realized I had also left the sliding glass door open. So my um my exuberance was the was the talk of the building for a little while, which I didn't actually realize until we were having a land party a few weeks later. Because this was the the the era at which if you wanted to play any video game with any other human person, you had to physically local area network your consoles or computers together. I I remember I was. I was a big fan of

the old Halo land parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So we were playing Halo um and uh. And it was at my neighbor's house, neighbor's apartment, and a bunch of people from the building had come on down and UM, I'm explaining that I live right next door, and he goes, oh, you're the girl in two A and I'm like yeah, And he realizes that he's just said something that's potentially awkward and maybe offensive, and he just this is the

first time I've met this dude. And he just looks at me and he goes, you know, you've got a great set of pipes. You're like, did you see me in jekylin Hyde. That's weird because I was on props. So I don't know how you know about now. And that's the day that I knew I had to become a podcasting you know. I was thinking about the sliding door thing, and do you remember in ace Ventura he's sliding the tower back and forth and doing that. You know, I think had it been closed, it wouldn't have made

a difference one way or another. Again, sound traveled in that building. Um it concrete block, y'all? So okay, So the roommate was in, never left. Boyfriend came in and they listened together for how long were it was in tween these two door open and clothes? So you know, time goes away during these situations. I'm not sure, um, but it seemed like quite a long time. I think that they were really like trying to do homework. It was. It was a stressful part of the semester. I you know,

I'm not goodness. I tried not to interrupt people. I don't I so polite. This is but this this is your virginity. I feel like you you you know, it's your moment, you know, like you shouldn't have to you know, yeah, you shouldn't have to tamper anything down like you should be like, you know, they should have really given you the freedom and the space to do what do you

need to do in that moment? Yeah? Yeah, you know, speaking of musical theater, right, it's like Avenue Qi says you can be as loud as you goddamn want when you're making love. So I thought you're gonna say everyone's a little bit racist, and I was like, oh, how that that applies? But well, so the second off of my virginity story, no, no, oh goodness, no, I said it was a nice one. The internet. Wow, look at us musical theater nerds just knowing too money songs from

Avenue Que. That's this is not my surprised face. So what would you say if you had to sum up what the kind of the moral of the story is or the uh you know, what did you what did you learn from that experience? Um? From that particular experience, UM, I learned to text people if you're concerned about making a lot of sex noises with them in the house.

I think that's that's number one there. Um, but I guess I guess from the overall experience, Like I I learned that, um that as first boyfriends go, uh, someone someone who's had a lot of gay mail sex is actually a very good partner, very considerate, very gentle, understands what it's like to be penetrated, and so you know, therefore wants to give you a good experience. Um. Not not that anyone probably doesn't, but you know, just just it has a particular mindset about it, you know, way

to go, Robert, Well done, Robert. Yes, I'm glad. Yeah, I'm glad we stayed with his real name. Yeah. Yeah, me too. That makes that, I mean, that makes total sense. Though my dad's name is Robert h Yeah. Yeah. And actually my dad's mother's name is Gloria, which is Robert's mother's name. So the whole thing was a little bit I was like, what what is this web you've woven? Roberts and Glorious they're everywhere. Well, um, I mean, thank you so much for for sharing that, sharing that story.

You're welcome. Um, I apologize and you're welcome. I mean, I think it's a story that a lot of people can relate to. I know when I was in the dorms in college, there were a lot of noises happening. I lived in it. And once again, sorry parents or any relatives who are listening, I lived in a triple in college, So there was three guys living in a tiny, you know, two square foot room, and things were just happening all the time, and like we're the mere feet

away from each other's heads. Like the level of of just not giving a ship that was happening in that room was like so far beyond my comfort level. Now. I don't know how, I don't know how I've regressed, but I think it was just out of like pure necessity. Right, you can't at a certain point because if you if you cared, that's all you would ever do. You you wouldn't be able to get anything else done because you'd just be sitting there going like there are so many

feet in this room. I think maybe that's part of the moral of the story too, is like we just need to not care about the sounds that we make when having sex, Like everyone just needs to just deal with it. Put your head if you if you're offended by it, put some headphones on, pop on a podcast, listen to American shadows. I don't know, you know, but don't make me quiet down. I am. I am having a good time, right, and and every and everyone deserves to have good time, right. We just need to be

more selfish in our during our sex times. I'm not sure if that's advice that I'm comfortable giving out to people. I mean selfish in terms of like doing what I need to do to enjoy and have I guess, yeah, that is a terrible way to put it. Um. I guess it's maybe caring less what people outside of the room. Yeah, caring caring less what other people think. I think is great advice. Yes, most kind? Is it? Still? Though, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts about everything that I

just said. No, I think it is, uh yeah, just not not giving a ship. No, that's also not you gotta give a ship sometimes, but you do well, it's it's not it's not given a fuck, not given a

funk when you're Okay, there we go. That's that's the quote. Look, when you're sucking, you don't give a don't give a funk when you're Yeah, as long as everything is consensual and yes and every both parties are being air communicating and everything's then don't give give give like twenty two to thirty fus before yeah, and during the but then yeah and after right, but but not that one like that one particular fun don't give that one right, right.

It's very complicated sex. I think that's what we've realized. Yes, this is the conclusion that we have painstakingly come to. Sex isn't simple. It's not simple. It's um yeah, it's incredibly complex and uh, but that's why we talk about it on podcasts so we can navigate these treacherous waters. Yes, you know, I uh, nineteen year old Lauren did the work, so you don't have to exactly exactly. Yeah, eighteen year old Will was doing all sorts of work too. That

was a humble brag. I guess I don't know. All right, I think that's all the time we have. All Right, Welcome back, Fable Babies. We've got another first story from our Live Story Okay event in New York, and this one is from hashtag Storytime producer Jason Shapiro. He hopped on the mic and he told us a story about his first night in college and being a bit of a sweetie and Jason may or may not have credits, but he chooses not to share any personal information with me.

So your guess is as good as mine. Enjoy. Um, I'm gonna tell a story about the first night of college. UM. So let's go back like thirty years before that. Um. Having parents that met before high school and her high school sweethearts can really fuck someone up. Like people talk about how divorce can fuck you up, having parents that knew each other as children can really fuck you up. Because as a child then I was like, oh, that

is what you do. You're your five and then you meet your partner and and then you just go through life with them. So like, from like five years old on, I was just like, is that my wife? Is that? My wife? Is that my wife? Is that? My wife? And that was like the most important thing in the world to me, is like do women like me? And will she be my wife? And so before the first uh night of college, let's just say I was like

I was a sweet boy. I would call myself like I imagine, like imagine me like two ft shorter, with like a C cup and like a really sweet boy who everyone is like, that's the sweetest boy in the world. And so like girls were really interested in me from like fourth middle of fourth the fifth grade, and then not again until like the middle of twelfth grade. It was like a really cool sweet spot in fifth grade where I had a girlfriend and I thought she would

be my wife. And then it was just you know, the dry spell of the century when you know, I'm the little sweet boy who is like pining after girls in seventh grade, being like are we going to be together forever? And they're like, please just let me hang

out with this other person. Um. So twelfth grade, you know, I'm in choir as like sweet boys, do you like you joined choir and no one notices you and like also like it's it sounds like I'm feeling bad for myself, like not at all, not at all, Like not that kind of story. Um, but like you know, I started to get noticed like twelve middle of twelfth grade and choir someone was like, oh, did you just say a joke? And I was like, yeah, I said a joke or whatever,

and they were like where have you been? Who who are you? And I was like I've been here the whole time. Um. And so I asked that girl the prom and thought that she wanted to marry me, but like also was like way too afraid to like even hold her hand at the proms. So that takes you up until like graduating high school. Like we are like the sweetest boy who is like so afraid of anything, but also just thinks that they missed the mark on

meeting their wife. Um. And so I go to camp uh, meet a wonderful young lady and start dating her, and I'm like, this is it. This is it, this is like how I start my life. Um, but I need to take a little detour to go to like the biggest party school in the country. So I'm at University of Wisconsin Madison. Um, it's my first night of college. And my roommates and sweet mates are like such cool dudes.

It sounded like they partied in high school. They may be like when on dates, they experienced things outside of just like going to a movie theater and seeing three movies. And so I'm just like, we have found the place. I'm like one of the cool guys. They're like, are we taking shots tonight? I'm like yeah, I always take shots and do this all day, and um, we start

exchanging stories about high school. I'm just like, well, you know, we would like party over here, and like we would usually party in the Wendy's parking lot and like that was like our spot. And they were like, oh, I grew up in Calabasas and like went to a party at UM, you know, the drummer of Incubus's house, and I'm like cool, me too, and so we're ripping shots. It was Gray Goose, Like we were not we were

not skimping on the good vodka. First night of college cut to me passed out at a Cuteoba, probably like eleven thirty at night, and my friends were like, this dude is hilarious and I'm like yeah, like what was I saying? And then you know, we keep drinking. We're like the dudes walking around UM looking for a frat party. And next thing I know, I wake up and it's like eight am. And uh. You know those like shorts that everyone wore, or like a lot of people wore.

I guess in the early two thousands, they were called I think they were called Sophie's. They were like colored shorts, so like there were some colored shorts and socks on the floor and there was a note that said thanks for a great night and instantly my heart dropped. I had a I had a long distance girlfriend who went to Kansas, who like, what is what is happening? What

don't I remember? And then like there's a shred of me who that's like, oh my god, am I like one of these like cool people that stuff like this happens to. And I just start like freaking out and my friends are like, oh yeah, yeah. It was like you know, Liz down the hall, and and I'm you know, calling up like friends and I'm just like what do I do here? What's happening? Like I thought this would feel cool? And my friends are just like, dude, you

had a crazy night like it happens. And I'm like in tears, almost about to call my long distance girlfriend at the time. And finally it's like five pm. I had been stressing all day and like I go to caller and they're like, dude, we pranked you. You passed out and some girl down the hall gave us her shorts and she wrote the note. Instantly, I just start crying, tears streaming down my face, and they're just like they're like, dude, I'm so sorry, Like we didn't mean to prank you.

We didn't know you were like gonna freak out like this, and I was like, no, these are happy tears, like I'm one of the cool guys that gets pranked. So that was college. Well, that'll do it. Thanks so much for listening to hashtag story time. I'd love to give another huge thank you to Lauren Vogelbaum. As always, you can find links to all the awesome stuff she has

going on in the description. We talked a lot about sex in this episode, and I just want to say, from a personal standpoint, I'm devastated by the news coming out of the Supreme Court. And if you're like me and you're feeling helpless and not sure what to do and want to take action, We're gonna include some links of some on the ground organizations that desperately need support and donations, so please look for those in the episode description.

If you are enjoying the podcast, please leave us a review. It helps us out a lot and I literally read every single one of them, and if I like your review, I just may review it on Review Reviews. On an upcoming episode, make sure you hit that subscribe button so you don't miss next week's episode featuring Jim Jacobsen, here's a sneaky, little peaky And then I started thinking about the significance of seven. And throughout Maui's life, seven seemed

so important. She would do take out, as I called it, which she would go to her her fruit bowl, and as Maltese do, they would put a bunch of kibble in their mouth and then kind of walk a few steps away and drop it on the floor. And it was always seven kibbles. That's exactly how I eat, by the way. You know, it's a common thing, and you should do it with Captain Crunch or any type of thing like that. You just reach in and put it on the floor. Hashtag Storytime is produced by I Heart

Radio and Curativity Productions. Hosted by Will McFadden. Sound designed by Tony Maddox, written by Will McFadden and Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro, Danielle Le Mora and Jordan Elijah Michael. Theme song by Scott Simon's. Artwork by John Kuzakaya h