Stories That Will Duo Your Lingo (With Ben Bowlin!)

know we have thirty seven listeners in Canada. Yeah, to whom I would like to say, Hey, they are all you hosers sitting on your chester fields and your get drinking your labat. How's it? Welcome to the show, Welcome to the pod. We also have we got ten people listening to us in Australia. That's cool. Good eye to all you Bowgains sitting on you, Donny with your budgie smugglers around your ankles. Thanks for listening. We even have I think we have three people listening in South Korea,

to whom I would say, God yae. I'm sure I pronounced that perfectly. And you know, for our listeners around the world, if you're planning on visiting the United States and you don't speak a lot of English. Ay, I'm surprised that you're listening to this podcast, um and be, here's an important phrase for you to know. Just practice this one. Please don't shoot me with your big guns. I have ranch dressing for you. This is especially useful

in the Midwest. You know, there's so much lost in translation. Which is a nice segue into our guests on today's show, Ben Bolan. And Ben is the executive producer of How Stuff Works, and he's the host of About. But you probably know him from Stuff they Don't want you to Know and Ridiculous History. And Ben told me a story that involves a honeymoon, Germans and a misunderstanding. So this is this is something that still haunts me to this day.

I've traveled to many places under many different circumstances. Um. I was living homeless in Paris and in the Charles de Gaul airport for a while. I was in Central America for a while. I'm just saying things didn't always work out, and out of out of all those things that I can say on air, one of my favorite learning experiences in the world of travel was my first time in Germany. Have you ever been to Germany, I have not is it's on my list, um just under

Japan and probably Thailand, but it's up there. But I mean, first of all, you living homeless at the Charles de gaul Airports is like a Tom Hanks movie where he is terminal based off but in a oh well, it was a shout out to Tom Hanks. It was before terminal, or it was before I was aware of terminals, so I very much didn't feel cool about it. I was like, look, I'm a hipster, but this is too much and uh

that that story. I did not intend to be on the streets of Paris, and it wasn't for a long time, but I had I had saved up for a return ticket, and I in desperation when things fell through. I used some change because payphones were thinking that time, and called my called my parents and asked them if there was any way they could help me out with an earlier ticket, and my dad just laughed his ass off and said, no, good luck. This is a learning experience. But I did

make it back. Did you have to like bust your way home? Were you doing like chalk art or miming? Or there was one busking situation. There was one busking situation on the train and it was just um, it was some very nice musicians who were like there was one day where I was like, you can just kind

of ride the train forever, right and always loitering. I'm just kind of technically I'm going somewhere, and uh, the this this group of musicians came in, you know, like a accordion, I think a guitar or something like that, and they were singing, and they were singing songs in French.

I also didn't speak French. It was not I was not a clever man, and so I uh so they started singing, um, what a wonderful world, the Louis Armstrong version, and I joined in and well I joined in and saying but I was singing in English and they still you know, they threw me a little bit of change. Was very nice. But with with that experience, you know, I was like, Okay, you have to be a more responsible traveler. If you're going to go to these places,

you need to be safe. And as cool as it is to just drop everything and say I'm gonna go blah blah blah, and as much ben as much as you dig improv there are some situations where planning is key. And so I I thought about this and it's like, things are I'm gonna be I'm gonna be classy. You know, I'm gonna know what I'm doing. I'm not going to be a dumb American tourist, etcetera, etcetera. I'm going to

break that stereotype. And I was okay with it. I ended up after Central America marrying my high school sweetheart and it was it was so it was a beautiful, beautiful moment and it's a beautiful time. Uh. We scrimpt and we saved to go on a honeymoon, and this was a big expense for us. We wanted to travel internationally and my partner at the time, she really really wanted to go to Germany. And so this is before to date myself further, this is before you know, I

had a smart phone. This is before I could I could pull up a bunch of easily easy to find information. So I did. I did serious research Man as someone who doesn't speak German. This is after the wall had fallen though, right, yes, yes, this yeah not that fun. No no, no, So this was um, let's see, this is probably early two thousand and and so I so I was like a level of planning I had never before thought myself capable of, you know, like I knew

when the plane was gonna land, good job me. I knew that there was a hotel we were going to go to bonus points there. And I had some mind, like I had a rough itinerary. I was like, here's some historic sites we can see, you know, and you know, I'll even like I'll figure out a romantic dinner situation. Right, I feel like this sometime map west to write like where you printed quest? I printed directions, you know what I mean? I printed out directions. I had a little folder.

It was adorable. So so the day cups and we travel. I think, first we land in London, and we're in London for a few days, and there's something just um, no one's cliche to say, but there's something like romantic about not having a ton of money but being with a person you love and like you. You hear you hear that situation, and some parts of our heads just kind of say romance and italicized fonts and we don't need we just have each other and that's all we need.

Exactly exactly that was anyway, So London, it turns out, is kind of pricing us. So we we left. We we had already been planning to go to Germany, but we had a few days in London, and then we left London. We're landing in Berlin, and this is the moment. Will I have spent months sort of trying to learn all this sort of stuff. I didn't want my partner

to have to worry about everything. And one of the things I did, despite not uh not not knowing a leak of German, as I have memorized German phrases, and you know, I was well aware and this is a true thing for people who haven't been to Europe. I was well aware that many residents of Western Europe, regardless of the country the official language, they probably speak a better version of English than a lot of US Americans. A lot of them speak for languages, no problem um.

And the extent of my German, just so you know, is from the time I played the m C in Cabaret in in two thousands. Oh Man, I wish you had been there with me in Germany. I could have used a hand and you know, beyond my way through this exactly, so I quickly learned, like I knew most people would probably speak English on some level, especially you know,

the capital of German it's an international city, Berld. So I immediately was locked and loaded with my thank yous and my excuse me and where where is the bathroom? Etcetera's uh, but I got a lot of I got a lot of stuff wrong. We were walking widely and we're using the training system, and my first encounter with a German authority, like after getting out of customs was

a guy. A guy came up and said something to me in German, and I didn't understand what he was saying, so I just kind of like shrugged and what I hoped was an endearing and innocent way. And then something like he knew immediately that we were from the US, because he just sort of took a breath, tried not to roll his eyes, and he said tickets in English, and in English, I replied, oh, I'm sorry, man, I don't have any money. I don't have any two and he goes, I'm asking to check your tickets and oh

you work here, Oh ship, my bad dude. And then he wasn't amused, but he was he was nice enough, so we continue on, and I'm thinking, and I'm talking to my wife at the time, and I say, you know, we'll call her Kate for the purposes of this story, So you know, O, Kate. I feel like, I know every country has a stereotype, and I know stereotypes are

the source of terrible, terrible things. But did these German folks seem a little bit kind of like cold, do you, well, a little brusque and it's so warm and fuzzy, not so not so warm and fuzzy. Yeah. Not one stranger hugged me. But but uh, but she pointed out we're from the southeastern United States, which is a place that is known for being a little more outgoing, being a little more casual with whomever. Um, and I wanted to bust these stereotypes, even though I thought she had a point.

So my phrase that I was very proud of that I had worked on and like, I had like fifteen phrases, ten of which were useful, four of which were pretty good max it was terrible, but four of which like would be intelligible. And one of the ones I was most proud of is that if people came up to us and we're speaking to us in German. I would try my best. That was my rule. I try my best to speak some German if they happened to ask a question that could be answered one of these fifteen ways.

But my emergency, man, my escape hatch was if if their German is too faster, if I'm clearly over my head, I'll say I'm sorry, my German is not good enough to continue this conversation. Can we continue in English? And I deployed this strategy advanced sentence right there to say all I know is which is I love you? Which I feel like I would also, you know, get you out of a situation. I should have learned that way.

Where was that anyway? So so I so we're like walking on the street, and we're here for a period of weeks walking on the street, and sometimes people will just come up and ask us stuff. You know, this is around this around winter, So they're the Christmas markets are in full swing, people are in a generally good mood. Vikings are in the street, yes, yes, uh and and everybody. And I didn't know that either. Every You can drink anywhere in Germany, and you could buy beer everywhere. It's weird.

It sounds you know about right, It's like it's like the Las Vegas of h I love that. Yeah, okay, that's the quotable. So this so I would have this experience that became increasingly common for some reason or another. We'd be talking to someone alright, you know, like go to a restaurant, try to order something, and I would butcher the German and they would still respond to German. And I would say, I'm sorry, my German is not good enough to continue this conversation. Can we continue in English?

And then they would pause and I could feel the temperature ticked down, and then they would say yes, and we would have this very chilling, cold, perfunctory kind of conversation in English, and we we stayed at a hostile again, financial concerns being a thing. And after about two weeks, I was convinced that some stereotypes are true. And I was like, maybe I'm maybe I'm too warm and fuzzy, but I feel like this city, if not this country is not not hostile, but not they're not sweethearts, that's

for sure. And it had me had me thinking all these horrible things. I was like man World War two though, like m and so I just what happened during I know I didn't we should have gone to Prague. We should have gone Yeah, we should have gone to Prague. And uh I would say stuff like this to my to my wife, and she would go, well, you know, assumptions are bad, blah blah, and she kind of cut the conversation off. So fast forward end of our trip.

This is also this is also a and I don't mean to bring us down here, but this is also right after during our honeymoon, we had decided it wasn't gonna work out and we were going to be friends. But we were like, well, we're gonna have to break up. And there was no huge dramatic fight or anything like that. These are too to emotionally aware people making a mutual decision. But did did Germany and the did did the honeymoon location have anything to do if you maybe in Hawaii

when things have been different? You know, That's that's a question I've asked myself sometimes. But but here's what happened. So it's fast forward. It's like the very last day, it's the penultimate days, second last day before we leave, and I'm in the lobby of the hostel and someone who was also staying at the hostel. It comes up there talking to me in German about something. So I say, I'm sorry, my German is not good enough to continue

the conversation. Could we continue in English? And this lady stops, she pauses, and then in a flawless American accent, she says, you're a dick and leaves. And the person at the counter of the hostel who's working there cracks up. It's like she is laughing. She's actually laughing. I turned around, like, go, what happened? You know, I'm worried that I did something. I didn't know what I could have done. What I know? She says, you know, do you know? Do you know

what you're saying? I said, yeah, I'm saying blah blah blah blah. And she said, no, you're saying, I'm sorry, your German is not good enough to continue. Can we continue this conversation in English? And she told me the right like the German way, and and I said, oh shit, I've been saying that like everybody. And she goes, I know, I know, I've seen it. And then and then I go and I run up stairs, I get I get my wife. I'm like Kate, I fucked something up and

and I was wrong. It's not a stereotype, it's us and she goes, oh yeah, oh yeah, the yeah I know. And it's like you knew this whole time and she's like yeah, She's like it's hilarious, right, Like, no, it's not hilarious. And so I I was trying to apologize to people in the hostel. I went back to this restaurant, was like, hey, I know, things MA bad and uh it. Maybe I made it a bigger issue than it actually was. But if you are a German speaker, if you live

in Germany, I would like to officially apologize. Welcome back. It's time for everybody's favorite segment, Robo Read It Reads Now. In Ben's story, our robot interns detective the word wedding, then scanned read it and found a thread where user Olya ru asked what wedding moment made you think they're not going to make it? And here are some of

the best answers. One of my good friends got married and on the wedding day she was belligerently drunk before the ceremony even started and couldn't even get through the lines. She was supposed to repeat, such as I promised to love you. She ended up slapping the groom, spilling champagne on her dress, and then crying under a table while he tried to comfort her. They lasted about four months. You know, it's never a good sign if you're actively trying to erase the memory of what is supposed to

be the happiest day of your life. Look, some people make a baby on their wedding night. Other people turn into one. My wife got invited to a client's daughter's wedding. The couple were both drama students. Many of the bridal party were drama students. The maid of honors toast consisted of tearful declarations of unrequited love to the groom along the lines of if it couldn't be me, I'm glad

it's my best friend that's marrying you. The best man's speech was a lusty declaration of if it doesn't work out, call me babe, like the previous time you called me. Other toasts were similarly weird. A guy at the table I was seated it was a friend of the bride, and said to me that he was this close to standing up during the speed now or Forever Hold your

Peace thing. I'm still not sure if the whole thing was a bunch of emotionally fucked up twenty year old or one big piece of performance art, I would totally go see that play. Also, haven't these people heard of polyamory? This can all work. They can have their cake and fuck it. Do not the couple getting married, but the best man and maid of honor who were married to each other. Best man's speech was all about how hard

it was to be married. I've been married for a year and it feels like one hundred years made of honor, stands up to give a speech and just says ditto. It was so awkward and really brought the whole room down. Best man and maid of honor were to worst within a year. Couple who got married are still married thirty plus years later. I sometimes wonder if the speeches actually were helpful in how not to act as a couple.

Next time I have to give a speech at a wedding, I'm just saying, dittoh, I don't care what the person before me said, That's all I'm saying. When a couple was doing the vows and the priest got to the for richer or poorer part, and she said for richer or richer, and maybe for poorer. The officiant was not pleased. I think they made it a year. This lady sounds

like the worst. But the officiant was like in sickness or in health, and she was like, I mean, as long as he's not like super sick, because that would be gross. She was like, I do, I guess, and these are all reasons why I'm never getting married. Thank you, robots. Do you have a cringey story you want to share with your best friends on hashtag storytime. We'll let us know on our Instagram at story time dot pod, or call the Storytime hotline at three to three seven one

eighteen seventy three. Take a second and hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode featuring Mike John's Here's a sneaky, little peaky and then a barker climbs up into the ring and he starts shouting at the crowd. We're here today to see the battle between the literary giant Michael Mohammed Knight and the literal giant Abdullah the Butcher. Thank you so much for listening to hashtag storytime. I'd love to give another big don kashin to Ben Boland

for being on the podcast. As always. You can find links to all the awesome stuff he has going on in the description. If you're enjoying the podcast, please leave us a review. It helps us out a lot and I literally read every single one of them. Hashtag Storytime is produced by I Heart Radio and Curativity Productions. Hosted by Will McFadden. Sound designed by Tony Maddox, written by Will McFadden and Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro, Daniel

La Mora and Jordan Elijah Michael. Theme song by Scott Timon's artwork by John Kuzagah