Stories That Will Boop Your Snoot (with James Jacobson!)

little friends could speak? Oh? What tales they would tell? Pun intended. I don't know if you know this about me, but I have a dog. His name is weird Gary. You can follow him on Instagram at Weird Gary. And Uh, I've been working on something. I've been training him. I I don't know if you've seen the wildly popular TikTok account of Bunny the Talking Dog, but I have set up my own elaborate system of vocabulary buttons, and I've been working with Gary for months, training him, trying to

get his vocabulary advanced enough. Or maybe he could tell us a little story. So let's see if it works. Okay, let's see Gary. Come here, Come here, buddy, come on, come here. Oh hey, buddy, Hey, do you want to say something? Do you want to tell a little story to the fable babies? Oh? Good job. That's his favorite button, obviously. But here you go. Here's a little treat. All right, what else you got treat? Okay, here's another treat. But Gary, can you tell us a story? Okay? Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe maybe this isn't working. I lost the love of my life. Oh my god, it's working. He's doing it. She was a corgy named Penelope. She had a thick golden coat that I could lose myself in and an ass that looked like a fresh loaf of bread. Gary, you dog. We planned to run away together. It was our dream to live in a little palapa on the shores of the Sea of Cortez. When she told me that she was pregnant, my heart exploded with joy. The plan was to escape our yards and rendezvous at the

Italian restaurant where we first met, Bucca da Bepo. Don't remember recording that button. Don't interrupt me. Pelope never made it. I searched up and down Long Beach, howling her name. I was so distraught I hadn't noticed. I had wandered onto the freeway when all of a sudden, a van pulled up filled with quote unquote do gooders. They quote unquote rescued me and brought me here. Oh my god, Gary, I am so sorry. I had I had no idea quiet Harry lipped fool. I don't need your pity Penelope.

If you are listening, if you've managed to figure out podcasts, I miss you. Tell my puppies. I love them, Gary, I just I don't know what to say. Is there is there anything else you want to add? That a boy, Now we're talking, you know, believe it or not. All of this is one big setup for today's guest, Jim Jacobsen from the Dog podcast Network. And Jim joined me and told me a story that had to do with Maui,

the supernatural and a case of sudden blindness. I am I'm a massive dog lover, and for the past twenty years or so, my life has gone to the dogs and one of those entrepreneurs who had a lot of early success and built and salt some companies and did all sorts of stuff. But basically, for about twenty years now, I have been focused on dog lovers and people who consider dogs, you know, they're best friends and are willing to do things for their dogs that they would never

do for themselves. And over the years people have wanted to ask, you know, where did this passion and start? And it really started when I was like a year or two old and I wanted a dog. And I wanted a dog, and I was promised that when I turned ten, I would get a dog. Well you can imagine when you tell a kid that that that's basically

all they have in their minds. So I envisioned. I was, you know, I want this little white dog and I can see it, and it'll be this big, and you know, and and it'll sleep with me and it'll have a place in the bed. What was the breed that you were dreaming of? I was dreaming of a Maltese, Okay, of a white fluffy dog. I don't think I knew that it was a Maltese, but this is what I saw in my in my mind's eye as a kid, and that thing drove me to be the best little

boy you know you gotta be. If you don't do this, you may not get that dog on your tenth birthday. So you can imagine, well how excited and passionate I was to come down on my tenth birthday to breakfast and there was this big box on in front of the place, setting at the table. I was like, I did think it was a little odd because I thought my parents are not great animal lovers. But it is a little weird to put a dog in a box. But right, okay, I know, I know, I know, I know.

I opened it up and it was a tape recorder. No dog. I got a tape recorder for my tenth birthday, and I'm sure that set me up for a life of psychological lots of therapy. Well did you did you immediately turn the tape recorder on and record to your your sobs? Or I did not sobby because I was an only child and it wasn't appropriate because I was raised in a pretty strict family. So I did go around like making tapes, which I still have to this day. I was like, or, or, I love this recorder just

because I was. I couldn't communicate that the depth of my sadness and my soul for not cotton the thing. Well, maybe maybe that laid the groundwork for your later for your podcasting. I mean, this is where like I think Sigmund Freud or whoever the equivalent is today would say, is I see, that's the reason that you want to exist today. So a little dr ruth in there, that's

a little It's true. Um, so many years have elapsed since my tenth birthday, many many, many many years, and as I said, for the last twenty of those years, I have been focused on dogs. The first heart dog that I ever got was well, I'm sure this will be surprising, a Maltese. Al Right, you got the Maltese. I finally got the Maltese. I've gotten the Maltese before. I was living with this girl and she one of the Maltese. We ended up getting a Maltese. We broke up.

It was a horrible year. We broke up. My best friend committed suicide. She took the dog. It was. It was one of those horrible things. But on Valentine's Day, I got on Maltese and I named it Maui, which is sort of which is my favorite place on earth. And that was at a time when I was living in Washington, d C. And just thought about it'd be so cold to live in Maui. Um, and how how

old are you now at this point? When I okay, so it's been you know, at this point fifteen years of pining over this more yeah, more like mid like fifteen, like damn, it was probably you know, it's been a while.

It's been a while, but I finally got the small t s and I loved it and I had you know, I was an early dot comer and Mauie would go to the office with me and uh, and we kind of engaged in this strange activity because I have been a lifelong meditator, which is a whole another story, but basically I taught myself how to meditate when I was also an equally small child and um, and not with any sort of dogmatic approach, just like I would, I would meditate it, go into silence and just sit. Being

an only child, you do that. And uh, Mauie had this wonderful habit of jumping up on my lap when I did, and she really liked to meditate with me, which is kind of cool. And so she got me through a lot of really rough times in business and then well, fast forward through this story, but basically I ended up commuting for many years between Washington d C and Maui, Hawaii, um seventy two trips over thirteen years.

But I finally and one of the reasons that I couldn't move to Mauie earlier full time was because Hawaii had this quarantine law that said you you have to put your dog in quarantine. At one point it was ninety days, and sixty days and then thirty days. And at that point I was living in Colorado. I had sold my company to a company in Colorado, and I had to be there for a year and a half.

It was very cold and snowy, and I looked down at my dog one day and I said, the snow was drifted to the literally to the top of the of the sliding door. We are getting out of this place. We're gonna go to someplace where we're going to finally go to your namesake. So I helped to orchestrate a political campaign in Hawaii to enable the governor to effectively changed the law that had been on the books longer than Hawaii had been a state, and in two thousand three,

Maui and I moved to Maui. Wow. I wonder what was going through Maui's mind at this point. I think she really dug it um. And this is kind of where are scary story begins. So seven days after arriving here on Maui, after working really hard to get here, she goes blind, like instantly, blind like it wasn't a it wasn't a waning thing, but just like one day she just couldn't see. Oh no, And I was very odd. And then I went I had met like a day or two earlier in the beach, this guy who was

a veterinarian. So he was therefore in my bed because I didn't know anyone here. Uh and uh so we went to the vat and he said, no, your dog is blind, and it's happened sometimes it's gonna be this thing. I think they're like, just go home, and so I would. I went home, and uh, you know, started to google all the things that you can do for blind dogs. You put perfume on furniture to help them. Mariana way around the house. But of course this was a brand

new house that my furniture had not yet arrived. There was a big empty house and I have a blind dog, and I did the only thing that I knew how to do. When times are tough, you meditate. So now he came and sat on my lap and we meditated, and they just like, okay, there's a purpose to all of this. And then the doorbell rang and it was some kids, and Maui shot up out of my lap ran through the hall all the way upstairs to the door without like not the way a blind dog would

do it. Clearly her sight had come back, which was a really freaky thing. And so I went I called the vat and I said, um, MAUI can see. And he's like, now he knows. I'm just a whack a doodle person, right, like people moved to Hawaii who are touched sometimes and as this guy I met on the beach and yeah, okay, your dog right just examinedly. This guy went to like Cornell vs. One of the top bet squalls in the country, and he was like, m

I don't think so, so bring her in. I'm like, and I just paid him a bunch of money to tell me my dog was blind. And I was like, and he could tell my hesitancy, and he also thought I was weird and he just wanted to figure out what was going on. I said, I won't charge you, just come in. Let me see. So I brought her in and he was like, huh, yeah, I don't know, this is weird. I gotta look this one up. So

he did. Later on, we find out she has this kind of rare thing that may have been a result of all the rabies vaccine that she had to get to get here. So anyway, so she had this waning waxing and waning eyes side that I lived with. As I said, it was seven days after she had arrived here, because there was a monumental day when I arrived here in July two thousand three, and I was like, I

knew that was significant. And then I started thinking about the significance of seven, and throughout Maui's life, seven seemed so important. She would do take out, as I called it, where she would go to her fruit bowl, and as Maltese do, they would put a bunch of kibble in their mouth and then kind of walk a few steps away and drop it on the floor. And it was always seven kibbles. That's exactly how I eat. But you know, it's a common thing and you should do it with

Captain crunch or any type of thing like that. You just reach in and put it on the floor. But she would never eat out of the bowl. She would like reach in and always pick seven, which is kind of tough. I mean, could you put seven coronalism? So she she she she did that, and I was it was always a weird thing. And when she would poop, she would spin around exactly seven times. She also do that the same. It's a common thing. I totally yeah,

you should talk to your mom about that. But um, we had all these toys for for for Maui, and there were of course seven toys that she played with the others, a dozen nurse others never got touched. Only seven. Um. She would wake me up every morning at seven am. She likes seven. This was this was this was a seven dog her number. Fast forward. I was here in Hawaii. I was like, I didn't know what to do. I ended up writing a book called How to Meditate with

Your Dog, And we did you know? I was on CNN and Jay Leno and flew on Oprah's jet and did all sorts of things to promote that book. We did an early viral video. It sort of cemented my whole I love dogs. I am going to make my career about dogs. And it led to other things, including what I do today with Dog Podcast Network. But she always was like this. The seven kept coming in and coming in and coming in. Well. As she got older, she her her vision did dissipate again and she went

totally blind. And at that point I had built sort of a following among dog lovers because of the book. And and we did one of the first viral videos on dogs ever before you existed. We had we're gonna have to find that video and it was it was It was really a sweet thing to promote the book.

And um I had this big audience and I would tell them through newsletters and through some videos that I did, um that you know, Marie was dying and this was the grieving process and and this is what but she and so when she finally passed, it was tough, but her passing was unique. I took her to that very same veterinarian and um I did not want to let

her go. She didn't want to go. And they without beginning too morbid, they do the you know, their their euthan asia, which is something that you know a lot about these days. For dogs is tough. And you give a sedative and then you give another drug and then you know, the first sedative puts them to sleep, and then the second drug does what it's supposed to do,

and it's designed to be incredibly peaceful and everything. And so the first drug is administered, and then the second drug, and then after the second drugs ministered, this this little bark seven times seven barks that just still haunts me. I get, as we say here in a white chicken skin when I tell the story, because it was just like roof, but it was seven times. So that was her saying goodbye, um and and she was definitely that

heart dog. I think that we all have that all dog lovers have that one dog that means so much. And this dog had been with me through so much, and that, you know, lucky number seven was something that just basically continued throughout and even after her life. Oh, Mally, I I my my dog is not allowed to die. I don't know. I think that's a really good policy. I think I tend to think that it's good for both us and our paths. Yeah, it's not allowed. Yeah, I used to rule that I don't fly in planes

that crashed, and I don't swim with sharks. And I think we will add that I'm not allowed to die and my dog's not allowed to die. I like that. What kind of dog do you have? So I have? He's just a little Schnarier. He's a kind of a you know, Schnauzer terrier where were wolf mixed. But his name is Weird Gary, and um, Weird Gary was foster and a foster failed, so we we foster with a shelter out here in l A. And yeah, I just fell in love with this, with this first foster, and

and kept kept him. But he actually developed early um like cataracts in one eye, and I was going blind in that eye. And luckily, Weird Gary's got a little bit of a following on social media, and we you know, I did a go fund meat and all of the fans on Instagram and on on TikTok showed up big and paid for are Weird Gary's eye surgery and saved saved his right eye. That is extraordinary. How how much

did you raise? It was a six thousand dollar surgery and he he was you know, we weren't sure of his age since he's a foster, but probably they were saying around seven years old. So still has so much life left you know, we we didn't want to just say, oh, he'll just be blind in one eye for the next however many years, so we thought it was worth it to, you know, to try and raise the money and get that surgery done. But yeah, weird. Gary's got great eyesight

now that is can and can he? And can he drive? Not at night just during the down to night. Well that's that's a good restriction. I understand the California Highway. He's got a he's got a weed prescription now too, which is great. Well, that's good because that does help with the cataracts. So awesome, dude, it's for my dog. So I think that's that's amazing. I love that. We we should have you and dog podcast Network to tell that story about Gary. I would love that. I would

absolutely we love that. Um yeah, I'm also you know, as you were saying, I'm a dog. I don't have any children. I have a dog. So I'm one of those millennials who spends way too much money. I'm a gen actor and that's the same thing my wife and I have. But we okay, so here the questions so we we we focus on dog lovers versus dog owners. So here are the questions, where does Gary sleep in our bed? Check one, Uh, you're sick, your dog is sick? Who is more likely to go to the doctor slash

veterinarian dog? Okay? Check two? Uh you what do you feed your dog? Oh? Uh? He has this like these fresh little meatballs you know that you make? Well, No, I don't make them by hand, but I get them at Petco. But they're they're like the fresh bag. Check three. And uh, come Christmas, Birthday, holidays, whatever Gary gets presents. There's the amount of costumes that it's usually a costume. But yeah, and then some treats and stuff, but yeah,

almost always a costume has purchased every holiday. Congratulations, you have scored a hundred on are you a dog lover versus a dog owner? Yes, that's it. That's those are that's our litmus test. I'm glad I passed. Yeah, and it's and it's great and people think of us as strange, but this is our dog, right, this is our child. Right, says talks with people with Welcome Back Fable Babies. It's

time for everybody's favorite segment, robo Reddit read. So let's welcome back my robot intern kyleies, Nope, it's fable babies fable, not table fable as in a story. Why would we call our fans table babies? What? What did you just say? Beats meat? Gross? You freaking yar know it's beats me as you wish? Oh look, oh stop? What the far? What the why did you just hit me? You told me to beat you god hurd, you little robot bitch. Just read the damn reddit threat already as you wish.

Today's ask Creddit thread is. When I was a kid, my parents told me my dad was sent to quote the farm. After months of thinking she had been put down, I visited the farm and it turns out my uncle was taking care of her. Have you ever been showing your parents were lying to you when they were actually being honest. That's how I got my dog. My friend in high school was going to put him down when he was only a couple of months old because he wasn't pure bred. His mother was one black lab don't

know who the father was. I told him I'd take him, and he's been living on our farm ever since, literally eating steaks and chasing four wheelers every day. He even outlasted me on the farm. But every time I go home, he's super happy to see me. I'll always love Jake, my dog, not some dude name of Jake. Jesus, what kind of a monster puts down a dog because it's not pure bread. You know, you should be more selective with who you call friends. You know, cut this puppy

hitler out of your life. When I was about ten, my nan lived in a block of units, and when she moved out, she told me that it was because the neighbors were always playing ping pong. I thought ping pong was slang for having sex. Turns out the neighbors were actually playing ping pong. To be fair, When I play ping pong, it does sound a lot like sex. It's lots of heavy breathing, cussing, and smacking balls. My younger sister is my half sister. I thought my parents

were pulling the your sister is adopted joke. Nope, my mother boined the neighbor and we suddenly had a new addition to the family. I didn't find out it was actually true until I was forty and her biological father died. My parents were explaining why our neighbor left money to my sister in his will, my parents are still married. My family is weird. You know. I've never seen an episode of Desperate Housewives, but this is exactly what I imagine it to be. Not my parents, but still pretty funny.

I was at a frat partying and dancing with some guys. There was this one guy I was dancing with who was pretty bad. You could tell it wasn't his kind of thing. I like to dance with these types because I don't find frat's particularly fun either, so it feels like solidarity between songs. He asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to see the puppy, thinking this was just a way to get me upstairs for the sex

and such. I laughed and said nope. When leaving the party, I went up one too many flights of stairs, got a little lust, and lo and behold there was a room with a bunch of people playing with a lab puppy. I feel bad for thinking poorly of that poor awkward dancer. Man, Do not feel bad. You did the right thing. Puppy in the bedroom is the oldest frat trap in the book. Fuck being polite, stay sex, don't get murdered. Hey, Kyle, those are really great, man, thanks a lot. If you

need more entertaining reddy threats, just hit me down. Hit me down, you mean hit me up as you wish. Oh my god, what the funk, Kyle, You just upper cutting me in the nuts? This is too easy. Thanks so much for listening to Hashtag story Time. I'd love to give another big shout out to Jim Jacobsen. As always, you can find links to all the awesome stuff he has going on in the description. If you are enjoying

the podcast, please leave us a review. It helps out a lot and I literally read every single one of them. Next week is another listener Tales episode, So give us a call at three to three one eight ten seventy three and tell us your best story, or shoot us an email at story Time at collab dot Inc. With a little voice memo, I want to hear your tales. Hashtag story Time is produced by I Heart Radio and

Curativity Productions. Hosted by Will McFadden. Sound designed by Tony Annex, written by Will McFadden and Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro, daniel Le Mora, Jordan Elijah Michael. Theme song by Scott Simons. Artwork by John kuzakay,