Are You an Asshole to Yourself?

motherhood and health. I'm your host, Steph Pace, and I'm the woman behind Just Another Mummy blog and also the founder of Steph Pace Planners. But I can assure you this is not just another podcast online. I'm known for my organization tips and tricks and the occasional banter, but it definitely wasn't always this way. I used to be a hot mess and occasionally still am. And I'm here as your honest and real friend each week to show you how I turn my life of chaos into clarity.

Between the house, health, kids, work, and wanting to be the best version of yourself, it can be overwhelming, and I'm here to give you the tools and tips to stop you feeling like a slave to your daily tasks, home life, and especially the expectations you have on yourself. Join me as I share my journey and insights into the art of balancing at all and speak to guests

who can help us all live a better life. Whether you're looking to streamline your daily routines, boosh your wellbeing, achieve your fitness goals, dive into personal development, or find inspiration to step up into the best version of yourself, We've got you. So are you ready to step up your game? Let's go. Hello guys, and welcome back to Stepping Up. I hope you're having a bloody amazing day. I have had a bit of a time trying to

actually record this episode. You know those days where you just like touch things and everything just like turns to shit. That's today. I got everything set up, got the camera ready to go because obviously our film needs as well for YouTube and all the things, and my camera like it just wouldn't get in the right spot. So it took me like about half an hour, and then somehow part of my memory card broke off into the slot

of the camera and then it just wouldn't work. So then I was trying to set up an old camera, but it overheats and turns off. It was a whole ordeal anyway, So I ended up just shaking the shit out of the camera and then a little peace fell out, and now we hear it's about two hours past where I would have liked to be, which is actually very very relevant to today's episode with how I'm feeling right now, feeling frustrated with myself, like you should have been able

to do this earlier. Blah blah blah blah blah. That is what we're talking about. This is going to be the biggest reality to check you've probably ever had in your life, and that is, are you an asshole to yourself? And you probably are? I love you, but you probably are. Now I'm not going to go into much of a life update because something happened last week that prompted me to do this episode. So the other week I was on a zoom meeting with someone for business for work,

and she's now a friend of mine. Anyways, we're having this conversation and then we started like wrapping up the meeting, you know, with a bit of like light shit chat, and near the end, I mentioned in passing that you know that afternoon, which is it was three pm by this point that I was still going to work on a new product, finish off this project. I think I was like record a podcast, edit a week's worth of the content, and then I needed to get the kids.

I wanted to take them to the park because I was feeling really really bad because I just felt like a really shitty mom at the moment because of things with work and all that type of stuff. Anyway, so I said these this spiel, which I just said very much like a matter of fact, like I wasn't winding. I was just saying like, oh, I'm going to do this, this and that, and she just stared at me, and it felt like it went for like two minutes, like

it was just silence. And then she said to me, Steph, that's like two days for work and you're wanting to do it in the afternoon and then go get the kids and then do all that stuff. And I was really confused, like I was just kind of like taken aback because to me, like it's just normal. I have this expectation of myself and what I need to do, because yes, I do have a lot of deadlines, but the thing is it just has to be done. And that's what I think. I can do apparently in like

two hours, which news flash, I can't anyways. So I went on to say, well, you know, also like I've got to do you know, this, this and this like this week as well, and again she just stared at me in shock and she's like, Steph, two of those things you mentioned I would do in a week. And it made me like really just kind of stop and question myself, like, ah, my standards so ridiculously high for myself, and is this why I get so mad at myself when I, of course don't reach doing the things. Now.

I wish I could say this was the first time this has ever happened, but it isn't. And I'm very well aware of the fact that you know, I do wear many hats, but you know, we all do. And yes, I do have a lot of deadlines, like I said, but I think I'm superhuman, but I'm not, and we

all really do, you know. And after this zoom call last week, I like sat there for a while and just really reflected on all the other times that this has happened where I've mentioned it to a friend or someone at work about you know, doing this, that and the other, and they just stare at me and they're like, stuff that's just ridiculous. And then I realized, am I

an asshole to myself? This episode might be one of the most important ones you ever listened to, and it's going to give you a reality check, like I said, but also prevent you from continuing to be an asshole to yourself like I am. Now, I'm sharing this because I think it's really important that we show the duality of you know, yes, I own a planner company, Yes I like organization. I did all this stuff because it

makes me feel better. And I share about how to overcome the overwhelm when it comes to decluttering with like planning your day. But I realized, is the overwhelm actually me Because when you think about it, what really stresses me out is the things I'm telling myself I have to do in a certain amount of time, and the expectation to get things done and to be this, to be everything to everybody all the time. You know, no one told me I had to be everything to everybody

all the time. Yes, of course, I'm a mother, I'm a friend, i'm a boss, i'm a colleague, all those things, But when it comes down to it, no one told me that day that I had to finish doing the research and doing all this stuff for this product and starting this project and then editing a week's worth of content. And I'm the first one to say, like, you know, you need to break things up, But I do struggle, And I'm the first to say I struggle to jugle little.

I do you know, when I don't even get close to my expected output, I get frustrated and I feel like there's something wrong with me. And I reflected this a lot in the episode where I talk about my ADHD and how I was diagnosed at school. Always felt like I was a little bit broken. You can retain information really bad at time blindness, as we know, But the thing is in life, like what else do we

have to compare it to. We don't know what other people do in their day to day lives, down to the detail, down to the second, and their own expectations on themselves. For me, personally, I do feel like there is a few reasons why I am such an asshole to myself, and that has to do with my childhood.

It's got to do with obviously my workload, my ADHD, and my really really bad estimation of time, which I have the most amazing hack for you guys, which I want to be sharing at the end of this episode, so make sure you stay tuned for that because they will change your life. As soon as I stop doing this hack, everything falls to shit, so you need to

stay and listen to that. And of course I shared before about my toxic traits about being a people pleaser and a perfectionist, so I'm just a recipe for disaster over here, honestly, So this episode is for you if you're sitting there and thinking, hey, I do beat myself up. I'm never happy with anything I do. I never feel good enough even when I do achieve things. I'm always onto the next thing, and I don't just like let myself enjoy it, or I think I should have done

it this way or that way. You're always comparing yourself to bloody Sally, your sister who can speak in seven languages. She plays a piano and the flute at the same time. Somehow she's an athlete and she's amazing at ballet. And there you are in the corner reading Harry Potter, and you played the recorder for two years. Now, Okay, I don't have a sister, but the other part's true, and I don't know why I chose the recorder. If there's

one instrument that is the most annoying, it is the recorder. Anyways, getting on a tangent, but the biggest red flag that you are an asshole to yourself is that you're constantly saying the word should. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. I should have done it this way. I should have done it that way. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done that. I should go and do this. I should be here by now. If that is something you are saying constantly, your expectations on

yourself are way too bloody high. And this is all because you, my friend. How can I say this in the nicest way possible. You're an asshole to yourself. But the funny thing is, although you are an asshole, you are the most understanding, kindest sympathetic person to those you love. Yet you won't meet yourself with the same kindness or understanding. All right, So now you know you've got a few red flags happening. Maybe you're being a bit too harsh on yourself. I guess how do you know that you

truly have such ridiculous expectations. So I've made an asshole criteria for you. So i want to run through some questions that will help you determine where you sit on the asshole meeter. That sounds weird. The first question is when you make mistakes, do you get very hard on yourself or do you expect not to make any at all? Do you always tend to focus on your imperfections and what you didn't do rather than what you did do? And you're always putting yourself down and you don't even

realize you're doing it. And I'm the first to admit I am terrible with this, and I try really hard with myself talk, but I'm always calling myself an idiot always, i even say it out loud, And I'm constantly having friends and family saying stuph like, don't talk to yourself like that. When you reach your goal, do you tend to think about what you should have done better or

even worse? You chuck it to the side and move on to the next thing and then the next thing, always seeking that validation, always seeking the next best thing for fulfillment. Are you someone that, no matter what you do, and you could achieve the most amazing goal, but you just never feel good enough. It just is never enough.

Biggest one, This is one. I know you're all going to say yes too, but do you try to be everything to everyone all of the time, putting everyone above yourself and all your own needs even though you saying yes to everything like it's out of your abilities or capabilities, like you literally cannot do it, but you will continuously say yes and people please. I am the worse for this. For me, I feel like, because of my jobs and things,

I'm just very passionate. So I will just say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and I won't even think about all the other things I've got to do. Are you someone you like You're always wanting and needing to be busy. You can't sit down. You just need to be doing all the things. Because, let's be honest, our self worth is tied to our

productivity and our achievements. And lastly, you set goals on what you think they should be based off others and what they tell you or what you see on social media, and that's going to lead us into all the pressures that we feel in day to day life. Now I'm not here saying we've got to ditch the goals. We've got to ditch the expectations altogether. We all know I

love a good goal. I love it. At the start of the year, I released my Reset Roadmap, which helps you break down your goals into more manageable steps and you have them scattered throughout the year in this special framework. If you haven't listened to it, I'll link it below and you can still get the downloadable. It is priceless and this is going to really help you with this whole expectation thing and just kind of understanding the reality of what you can actually achieve in a day now.

Usually the most passionate people are assholes to themselves. No I want to say asshole guys, I mean like to ourselves, like we're not actual assholes, but awesome. But it is time for us to have a bit of a wake up call and to understand that yes, it is good to have goals, but they need to be realistic and have a realistic level of expectation, so then whes we can move forward. We're not being stagnant, which again is okay to be stagnant for a while, but the keyword

here is realistic, which apparently isn't in my vocabulary. Now we know you've got high expectations, you're an asshole, etc. Etc. Here are some real life examples. I guess that for me really made me realize how hard I am on myself. And the best example for this is when Ron and I decided to have children. Before I had Harpy, who's now eight, I had decided I was going to breastfeed till she was one. I was going to give her all organic food. I wasn't going to let her have

Maca's tool shoes, like three or some bullshit. Next minuted up like he's a chicken nugget, Shush, thrown it in the back seat, and I would make food from scratch and I was going to be this. I was going to be that. And then, like real life happens, and everything I said I was going to do did not happen. I got to breastfeed her for a couple of months, and that was a long story. But yep, and the

baby food. Turns out she doesn't like my cooking, So go to Woolies and get some pouches, and she had her first chicken nugget probably six months old, no, not six months old, one years old something like that. I

can't remember anyway. And a classic example something that actually happened last night where I was laying in bed and Rhyme was laying next to me and he was watching The forty on his phone and I just started crying and I tried to be quite quiet, and I was crying because I was missing Nan really bad, and I miss her every day. But I go through, you know, many nights where I do get emotional and I apologize to him and he's like, what are you being sorry for?

And then you think about it. Why are we always apologizing for our emotions and expecting ourselves to get over things so bloody quick? Like me and my grief journey. I have been decent at times, but there are a lot of times where I'm like, Steph, it's been you know, like NaN's hasn't even passed a year yet, and Dad is somehow past two years this September and I don't know how, and it's like, you know, I go put my big girl pants on and just get on with it.

That's not the reality of it. If my friend had lost her parents literally ten months apart, I wouldn't be telling her to get and telling her to apologize because she's crying in bed, like it just makes absolutely no sense. And you do see this like the pressures that we see in everyday life. And again, I feel like it's so stemmed from social media, it being the highlight reel.

You don't get to see the full story, you know, like people would come on my Instagram page, like I've said before, and you see all these jars, everything's bloody labeled, and you think having my shit together, that I'm this, I'm that, And then when you meet me in real life and you see me on my stories, I'm dropping f bombs. I'm a mess, and I'm just trying to figure out ways to help get my life together, so

you don't see the whole picture. So then we have people in everyday life, and I even know, like my cousins have felt like this, Like I just I know so many people who feel the pressure and feel like they're expected to have their life together and hit milestones like having a family, getting married, you know, buying a house bloody which is impossible now, and you know, having financial stability because they see others doing it, like you

can't compare. It's like what do they say, apples and pears. Is that what they say? What's the saying apples, apples and oranges? It's not apples and pears. Oh my god, Stephanie. Anyways, and like I said before, you're going through a breakup or there's been a huge life change, you're expecting yourself to just get over it and just move on, and you hide your feelings in front of other people because you feel like you're going to make them uncomfortable. And

I relate to that so much with grief. I can't tell you how many times I have rocked up to the warehouse to see my team and I was putting my makeup on not long earlier, and I was crying and crying and having to reput it on. And then I go there and I put on this mask that I'm okay, I've got my shit together. And yes, there is obviously times you do need to turn up and be professional and all those things. But the pressure is just immns, isn't it. But who's putting it on us?

You know? And even down to feeling like you have to follow the latest trend or fad diet skin care product. Bloody twelve year olds out they're using drunk all to feel like that you can fit in. You know, you're trying to maintain a social life, being healthy, excel at work or in studies, take care of your health, be a perfect mum, you know, and that just turns you into a very shell version of yourself. You get stretched too thin. Some other examples of like believing that you

should have already established a lot of habits. And this is a big one because habits always a huge thing I love to talk about. But it's not something that you can just like start one day, Like you can't just start twenty new habits and then that's it. Like it's not linear. Growth is not linear. Things happen, and then you always feel discouraged when you fall short, and you feel like there's something wrong with you. But the only thing that's wrong here is the expectations that you

have on you. Now, I want to relate this to other settings as well. So say you're a stay at home mum, you know, you feel like the house always needs to be spotless, regardless of how busy the day gets. Let's not forget that looking after kids is looking after basically drunk octopuses going around making a mess. They're basically mini tornadoes, and you feel guilty for taking time out for yourself because you believe that you should constantly be

available to your family. You're not allowed to have rest, You're not allowed to do anything for yourself. I went got my eyebrows done, like I just get them waxed. I went and got them done yesterday for the first time in like four or five months. Because if I'm not working, or if I'm not with the kids, I should be doing something else, you know what I mean. And it's like, no, we're not doing that shit anymore.

We need to get back to basics. Another thing with you know, stay at home mums, which I definitely felt when the kids were really little and I stopped make up my makeup business for a bit, was guilt for not being able to contribute financially for a while. But we've got to remember that is such bullshit because you were doing the most important job that you could ever do,

which is raise your children. And again, drunk octopuses are hard work and the biggest one out of all of them, which I feel like everyone feels, is you compare yourself to other mums who seemingly look like they have their shit together. But news flash. They do not. That is why we have doors. We have front doors to hide the mess, the dog covered in poop and peanut butter, and the drunk octopuses. What am I talking about today,

you guys, I've lost the plot now. In a work setting, this can look like setting unrealistic deadlines or pushing yourself to meet them even at the expense of your health. Red flag over here, Expecting to always be the best, in fearing any mistakes or imperfections, feeling they need to constantly over deliver on projects and tasks, and comparing yourself to colleagues. So there's a lot of comparison. There's a lot of perfectionism happening here. And again that's why I

feel like social media is really fucking us up. I love social media, oh clearly, but we need to take everything we see with a grain of salt. You know, some big guilt troops. I guess I feel is trying to be balancing work and the kids and feel that I'm there supporting my team and also supporting Ryan and supporting my children, and worrying that they can sense my stress. That's the biggest things I worry about. Whatever it is,

we just are always feeling like we're never enough. Now you're probably sitting there saying, okay, Steph, so I get it. I'm an asshole now, Like why am I this way? And the biggest thing, which we all know, is childhood and it doesn't always come I'm not saying like our parents have f disap le blah blah blah blah blah. It's very much so like a lot of it can be unintentional, and a lot of it is because of your bloody sister Sally, who's just a paying the ars

and to show off if you ask me. But things like when you're a child, we only really get praised when we got good grades, or you only got attention when you did really good at something, even down to our teachers. I remember in high school how much our teachers hammered us into going to UNI that it felt like if we didn't go and do this thing and get a degree, that we were going to amount to nothing.

You know, these beliefs stay with us forever. And also, of course, like I said, it could come down to external factors, so like society, family putting expectations on you, and the biggest one, which I said, is social media and you know, as a child, when you're growing up, if you see like your friends doing really well and then they get praised, you want the same, just like Bloody Sally. So we tie our self worth to being

perfect at everything and never making mistakes. It just sets this ridiculous benchmark that actually doesn't exist because you don't see the whole picture. It's like on social media, you see people maybe a couple or a relationship or these girls I know. Personally, for me, I will see people, you know, going out with their friends on the weekend, having a couple of drinks and things like that, and I'm sitting at home reading Harry Potter, hanging out with

my recorder. Not now. But I feel inadequate. And that's not a them problem. That's a me problem because I could go out and be a bit more social and things like that, but I chose to stay home. And that is just an expectation I have on myself. And I'll even go as far to say I don't have friends. Of course, I've got bloody friends. I've got lots of friends, you know. And then other things that can come from

even down to cultural factors. You know, there's people that have grown up in certain cultures where they really value hard work and success and they have very high expectations on their children and it's by part of their whole identity. There's also people who, because of all these things, we

have a fear of failure. We have a very big defense mechanism against it, like we believe pushing ourselves to our limits proves to everybody around us that we are worthy of love and that they should love us and not sally. And then there's those who are just really

driven and ambitious and that's amazing. But and I do always say, especially at hard times with all things, I say, I'd rather burn out than have no fire at all, or I'd rather burn out than have no spark at all, which can be true to some extent because I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But it's like you need to have boundaries and draw the line somewhere. So how do we change this? Well, here's the three steps to stop

being an asshole to yourself. And one of these steps I want to be giving you an amazing, amazing episode next week on how to really take one of these steps and implement it daily, and it is going to save your life. But step number one. Break down your goals into smaller steps or even habits. Especially when for myself I do this. I was making the mistake of saying, Okay, do this project today, but the project that's seeing is

literally ten plus hours work. So you need to be specific, set yourself time limits, be like, okay, I'm going to work on this for one hour. I'm going to clean out the gar for one hour. So break everything into steps or just time frames. And just like I always say, you don't think of the whole house. You think of that cupboard, you think of that draw, you think of that bench, and it's the same. You don't think of

the whole staircase. You think of the first step. A huge example with this, which I have told you guys before, is when I was always striving to hit ten k steps and I was never meeting them, Like by the afternoon, I was at like three k and I'd give up. So as soon as I dropped the bar lower to eight k steps a day, when the afternoon came, I was like, oh, if I just go for a walk, I'll hit it. So then I started hitting my daily step count. And it's cause I dropped the bar lower.

Because when you think about it. If you're an overachiever or you have high expectation, if we just lower our bar to what we think is low, that's other people's like medium to high, probably high. You know, it's better to chip away at things slowly than not do them at all, or just sit there and hate yourself. And the best resource for this is my roadmap, so I will make sure I link you guys to that episode

in the download. The next step is be realistic. I want you to ordit your to do list, so everything, all the things that are circling in your brain, get them out. But I want you to actually look at what's actually urgent. You know, we're not saving lives unless you're a doctor, which I say all the time because it is the best thing. And also just remember their urgency is not your emergency. So yes, you might have to email Margaret from accounts, but she can wait a

couple of days. I'm sure she'll be fine. She'll be fine. Just buy a drink at the Christmas party. I don't know. So look at your or to do list, give it a really good audit. See what's urgent, what you can schedule later, what can be deleted, or what can be delegated. And as I said in next week's episode, I want to give you the best planning hack, daily planning hack that is going to help you completely change your day,

which I'm so excited to. That's why I like put these two episodes one after the other because it's just going to save you. Second thing and now, this is the hack that I spoke about at the start. I want you to keep a list. Now, this list is going to have actual time estimations that daily tasks take you to complete, because we all think something will take

an hour, but it actually takes three. So when you're organizing your to do list, if you have to, like me, I'll write how long it actually takes me and using things like your timer, and it's even a really good app called toggle, and you can actually type in there what you're doing and then it just like will time you. And then you stop it and you keep a list of the actual amount of time it takes to do things. So then again you're not setting yourself up for failure.

Having your list of task times is going to change your life, especially if you have ADHD or if you're just terrible time in general. The next step is when you're having judgmental thoughts. You're thinking, should be doing this, should be doing that, I'm an idiot, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Sally is so amazing. Ask yourself, if my friend was going through this right now, what would I tell her? How would I speak to her and

lead me on to my next point. It's always just so good to have someone that you can trust to be your reality check. So there'll be times I'll be so flustered, and even with all my planning tips, my anxiety takes over. I can't think straight. So I will go to Ryan and I'll be like, what makes sense

to you? And he helps me see clearly. You know you can go to someone and they can tell you if you are being too hard on yourself, if you're expecting too much, or they can just be realistic with you and spoiler alert, you are being too hard on yourself. Now let me know if you want me to do another episode on realistic planning. I'm even really like loving slow productivity, which is a whole other ball game. But I do hope this episode has helped you. Just remember

nothing is as dire as we think it is. Sometimes all you need to do is actually just change your environment, step away for a bit and come back. So just a quick recap. I want you to break down your goals into small steps. Go check out the roadmap. Step two is be realistic in order your to do list. Step three use a time estimation list and use toggle to time yourself. The next step is when you're having judging thoughts, think about how you'd talk to your friend.

And the last one is having someone you can trust to give you a reality check. Now, I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Please, as always, send me a message tell me what you thought and if you have any recommendations of any topics coming up. I am organizing more guests to come on, which is super exciting. So if you do have a special guest that you would like on the show, please let me know. I've got some really amazing people lined up that is going to be

just incredible to listen to. Anyways, I love you guys so much and I'll talk to you guys on Monday. Bye. Thank you guys so much for tuning in today's episode of Stepping Up. I don't want this to be just another podcast that you listen to. You get inspiration and then you don't take action. If there's been something in this episode that will help you step up into the best version of yourself, open up your trusted planner and

make a plan. And if you've loved listening to today's episode, take a screenshot and show me where you've been listening from. I love seeing it. Make sure you tag us at Stepping Up and steph Pace Underscore on Instagram so we can see it. And make sure you subscribe because you won't want to miss what's coming up next week.