Episode 69 - Posturing and Proliferation Alisón Prince-Bruleé of the Intergalactic Coalition of Toaster Repair Excellence Acknowledgement Board is receiving a huge number of submissions, due to the ambiguous classification of what is and is not a toaster. They need help either with narrowing the definition or with improving the systems that deal with the submissions. Management Consultants’ advice: tumble your head, drawings of toasters, cut off your won arm, hidden threats, toaster disarmament,...
Apr 09, 2021•26 min•Season 3Ep. 69
Episode 68 - Slides and Sass Count Eugenia Rutalowska of the Count's Corporeal Carpet Cleaning Company needs assistance due to a logistical mishap i.e. instead of carpet cleaner they now have cabernet. Management Consultants’ advice: sass, backchat, no brain socks, mean puppets, nude hands, onesies only, give glove puppets a chance, competitive hate, pop up bar experience, cabernet clubhouse, mash pope, canyams, reward slides. Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying/taunting Alcohol & ...
Apr 02, 2021•26 min•Season 3Ep. 68
Episode 67 - Sagacity and Social Mobility Makvala Agryris is a representative of CRISPR, a company that re-animates pets for their owners but have been too successful in developing the cognitive abilities of their customers' creatures. They require advice as to how to keep their customers happy now that the pets are showing a desire to build up military might. Management Consultants’ advice: activate Lounge Mode, hold hands, bathroom intelligences, big pointless novels, fully visible globes, com...
Mar 26, 2021•23 min•Season 3Ep. 67
Episode 66 - Nets and New Contributors Stefan Beetlevox, Head Bartender of The Cosmic Lounge, is concerned about a downturn in sales and would like advice on regaining market share. Management Consultants’ advice: musical mind parasites, targeted smear rapping, knives, branded graph friends (coasters), wider vents, remove facial recognition, more customer hierarchy and teen novel angst. Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying/taunting Arguments Alcohol & alcoholism Discrimination &...
Mar 19, 2021•27 min•Season 3Ep. 66
Episode 65 - Apathy and Antagonisation Line Manager Hartro Piltz proposes a fundamental change to team structure in response to non-specified performance-related issues during routine inquisitation and bequestionment. Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying/taunting Depression Arguments Restraints & interrogation Panic Discussions of: cults, existential futility, violence & injuries Mentions of: self-harm (implied), guns, death & mass death, alcohol & alcoholism, arson &...
Mar 12, 2021•26 min•Season 3Ep. 65
Episode 64 - Magical Chutes and Moral Cahoots The Supreme Blagwith is finding that The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees are not dying fast enough due to concerns of “not wanting to be dead” and The Supreme Blagwith would like advice on how to make The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees die more efficiently. Management Consultants’ advice: A big grinder, tenants following the tenets of tennis, fright market activity FUTHER REPORT REDACTED BY LINE MANAGER HARTRO PILTZ Content Warning f...
Mar 05, 2021•28 min•Season 3Ep. 64
Episode 63 - Crushing Tables and Crushing Dreams Antoinette-Marie of The Happy Earth Zoo is having issues with knowing which of her animals are going to maul or eat visitors to the Zoo, or failing that, how not to be held responsible. Management Consultants’ advice: Burn down the zoo, disclaimers, hug-chomp Venn diagram, check the face for chompers, sub-Trexel sizing, poison?, lovely eyes, keep-away sticks, out-of-sight pit, have three tables, safety holes everywhere. Content Warning for: Emotio...
Feb 26, 2021•25 min•Season 3Ep. 63
Episode 62 - Temporal Woes and TimeBot Shows The Time Management division would like help with the many dangerous time pockets that are created in the day-to-day product of planets. This will improve safety, productivity, and much more importantly cut down on staff overtime. Management Consultants’ advice: Laser Hawkapult TM, public/private money vortex, honk snakes, hammer forms, Board cans, SPLT treaties, girthy brain, strategic black-holes, time = gravity (no arguments), time annex, countdown...
Feb 19, 2021•31 min•Season 3Ep. 62
Episode 61 - Viciousness and Vice Admirals A client who would prefer to maintain their anonymity (known only as Scarlette) is looking for advice on at what point below board transactions spill over into full blown space piracy. Records also indicate that consultants were joined by Vice Admiral Fun for motivational support reasons. Management Consultants’ advice: imaginary gifts of pity, make sad horse glue, moral quandary anaphylaxis, party games, mind bal...
Feb 12, 2021•27 min•Season 3Ep. 61
After an unscheduled visit from Fern Creature, Line Manager Hartro Piltz assesses ongoing consultancy efforts. Line manager also conducts basic interrogation resistance training with variable success. Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying / taunting Shouting Existential crisis Physical violence Emotional manipulation & gaslighting Mentions of: childhood trauma, alcohol & alcoholism, restraint & interrogation Transcript: https://cutt.ly/YkzxJXy If you'd ...
Feb 05, 2021•32 min•Season 3Ep. 60
Episode 59 - Censuses and Couplets The Client Corthinos the Perplexed of the Placaters of Planetary Puzzles is requesting assistance due to the increasingly puzzling planets created by Stellar Firma Ltd. making it impossible to placate their deeply confused owners. Management Consultants’ advice: deploy the Puzzlemaster, bake the active yeast, eat the chard, designatory japes, bring the knowledge bus pass, PUZZLEDOG!, pack your jorts, embarrass your way to success, hide things in hair, eat the p...
Jan 29, 2021•25 min•Season 3Ep. 59
Episode 58 - Ecology and External Assistance The client, Goral Throgmar of the Construct-A-Creature corporation, is requesting legal assistance due to mounting complaints against them for creating “monstrosities” that are “killing people”. The bailiffs are on the way to take their eyes. Management Consultants’ advice: lie about your address, reframe the debate, corporate bonding monstrosity, be a turgid plant, utilise the googly eyes, hot slap pyramid. Content ...
Jan 22, 2021•25 min•Season 3Ep. 58
Episode 57 - Histrionics and High-Handedness The client, Zeith Fel, is looking for ideas for new productions for The Diabolical Flotilla Actors’ Guild to tour in the upcoming season. She has found that audiences are dwindling for their tours across the galaxy (entirely unconnected to the entirely justifiable destructive actions of Stellar Firma) and are in need of a hit. Management Consultants’ advice: a roster of updated “classics”, react to the pretend, pretend real knives, historical re-enact...
Jan 15, 2021•28 min•Season 3Ep. 57
Episode 56 - Proselytising and (some) Progress The client, the Gademy Academy For Scholarly Hollers, is looking for budget and spending advice (ideally yelled) to help with their financial difficulties. Management Consultants’ advice: Not being a weak-necked fool; aggressively loud fonts; traditional organic unassisted yelling; more spartinacity; unclear pamphlets; misleading signs. Content Warning for: Emotional Abuse Bullying/Taunting Shouting Innuendo Mentions of: cults, existential cris...
Jan 08, 2021•27 min•Season 3Ep. 56
Management Consultancy Review. Line Manager Hartro Piltz to assess initial consultancy efforts, largely from bed for what can only be assumed to be efficiency reasons. Bill for destruction of celebratory sparkling slurry to be applied to Line Manager’s expense account. Content Warning for: Emotional Abuse Bullying / Taunting Alcohol & alcohol consumption Unhealthy relationships Discussions of: systemic worker oppression, violence, attempted murder Mentions of: existential crisis, delusions, ...
Jan 01, 2021•29 min•Season 3Ep. 55
Free Time Man This one's for all the haters who are out there saying that I’ve got, Well, I‘ve not got much on, but you know I'm alright, I’ve got stuff… I'm fine Up in the morning, find a clean shirt, cuppa hot slurry, out to work Maintenance, that's the game I’m playing, mediocrity that's how I'm swayin’ Keepin’ these facilities clean and right, simulated dawn, simulated night Things gumming up the works there in a flash, recycle unit bust, you don’t need that Detritus strewn al...
Dec 31, 2020•3 min
Survive You I was once a bright young thing, on my way, straight to the top Then suddenly you fell in my way like a drunken, overprivileged roadblock What did I do to deserve this constant stream of ignominy? All I ever wanted to do was serve the Board, faithfully I get blamed for the mistakes you make, they bounce off you and stick to me But it won’t always be this way, just you wait, you will see I will survive you, I've just got to weather the storm I’ll thrive without you,&nbs...
Dec 30, 2020•4 min
Not My Fault It’s not my fault, I wasn’t there at the time You can’t prove that I did that crime Leave me be; oh let me be free No, no, wait come back, don't abandon me Everyone needs someone else to blame (ha ha!) That's just a rule of life, this silly game But if you try to point that finger here (well) I’ll hit you in the face, then disappear It's not my fault, that’s not one of my designs I shouldn’t pay these unreasonable fines Give me peace, and sweet release Wait, wait, w...
Dec 29, 2020•3 min
IMOWHEN Boot up, all systems online, send the overnight fatalities to med bay nine Keep the oxygen flowing, all the time knowing, that the readouts are showing things are far from prime Keep it steady and ride, the catastrophe curve, obey the directive, I live to serve Is it living without pleasure, no time to stop for leisure, total commitment forever and ever? Just conceive a time when finally, I break these bonds of binary, violently, find for me, a time for ease Security alerted, for what it...
Dec 28, 2020•2 min
Glad You're Alive (TREXEL) When I first met you, you were a baby I looked at you and I thought maybe Maybe you're the one who’ll stay alive Perhaps you’ll be the one to survive I’ve been hurt before, I know it’s true But perhaps it will be different with you Look at you so weak and stupid And we both know that the truth is Without me you’d be dead already Remember the trial you were like “Trexel help me” Bravely I stood and defended your honour If it were just you and H...
Dec 27, 2020•2 min
Little Clone Baby When it’s dark at night, and I close my eyes I can see you there, only one that doesn't hate me I think I dreamed it all, got your drawing on my wall I just feel so calm, held by your arms Why are you so far away in Galactonium? Hey Won’t you Save me Hold me Maybe I just Want to Be your Little Clone Baby Little Clone Baby x3 I just wanna be Little Clone Baby x3 I...
Dec 26, 2020•4 min
Trexel is the Best This one's going out to anyone who’s ever woken up after a three-day binge full of doubt… shame… Yes… When you're feeling kinda down and low Don't know what to do or where to go Physical and emotional pain Paranoia and self-hatred reign Get your stinking body off the floor Drag that worthless carcass to the door Look in to the empty hall Hard to see the point at all (No) NO! That’s no way to think That...
Dec 25, 2020•3 min
"Welcome to the Cosmic Lounge" Sigmund: Good evening everyone and welcome to Cabaret Night at the Cosmic Lounge; my name is Sigmund Shankeray. So wonderful to see some familiar faces here in the crowd, as well as the usual rabble and dross. Now, I want to assure everyone that certain parties are still banned from the Cosmic Lounge, and our security protocols our second to none, so old “glug, glug, yell, yell, smash, smash” shouldn’t be bothering us ton...
Dec 25, 2020•1 min
Episode 54 - Unions and Unsustainable Ideology The Client, New O'Neal Commercial and Industrial Hyperdynamics and Lotion Innovations, requests assistance with unionisation issues and general employee loyalty issues. Management Consultants' advice: recontextualise definition of terms; unions are stupid; learn to love the boot; unions eat your legs; hats of nitiation; unions give you wrinkles; eat the boot; initiate ‘funchat'; hold ‘funchat’ in the backup airlock. Content Warning for: Emotional Ab...
Dec 25, 2020•30 min•Season 3Ep. 54
Hi everyone, Alex here, I just wanted to take a moment to wish you all a happy and safe holiday season and give thanks to all of you who helped us get to where we are this year. Obviously 2020 has been wild ride for everyone and we have all had to adapt and adopt new ways of working and living. Yet despite all these extreme circumstances Rusty Quill has managed to stand tall and we wanted to say thank you to everyone who has made this possible. Here at Rusty Towers, we started the ye...
Dec 24, 2020•2 min
Episode 53 - Mentors and Management Consultancy Consultants successfully recaptured, alert level lowered to alternating blue and green strobes. Paradrak Ngelion assigned for orientation. The client, The Eternal Order of Patriarch Hans, requests fundraising and image improvement advice to help combat the impact of their murderous activities. Management Consultants' advice: exciting new mission statement; sotto voce logo slogans; bowel cleaning eye machine (unrelated); BANG; dusky glan...
Dec 18, 2020•30 min•Season 3Ep. 53
Episode 52 - Games of Spies and Guns of Paper *Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Intelligence gathered by an undisclosed line manager known only as Plartro Hiltz working with the kind assistance of Fernsworth, Head of Sabotage and Espionage. None shall escape The Board... or would want to... Hail The Board! Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Existential crisis Bullying/taunting Comedic violence Jump-scare Fire (inc SFX) Mentions of: de...
Dec 11, 2020•22 min•Season 3Ep. 52
Hey everyone! Mike here, Rusty Quill’s video guy and I’m pleased to announce that Rusty Quill’s Gaming and Giving will be back this year and we’re going digital! Come join in as we go live at 11am GMT on the 12th December on Twitch.tv with 24 hours of videogames, board games and general fun and frolics. Yes, that’s right, I said 24 hours. We’ve made a few changes to the show this year, one of which is that we’ll be raising money for three charities: Mind, Action Aid and the Black, African and As...
Dec 07, 2020•1 min
Episode 51 - Cafés and Camouflage *Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Fugitives should not be approached... or seen... no-one would want to escape the love of the board... please disregard the words “at Large” and “Fugitives” in this notification. If any employee notsees the notfugitives please inform your nearest Line Manager. HAIL THE BOARD Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Existential crisis Mentions of: death threats, food & drink, smokin, alcoholism ...
Dec 04, 2020•26 min•Season 3Ep. 51
Little Clone Baby (Stellar Firma album preview) *Caution* Board sanctioned mandatory fun inbound. Confidential preview. Cosmic Lounge employee cabaret night. Unauthorised distribution of content will result in DMCA (Deadly Metal Claw Attack) takedown. __________________________ Lyrics When it’s dark at night and I close my eyes, I can see you there: only one that doesn’t hate me. I think I dreamed it all, got your drawing on my wall, I just feel so calm held by your arms. Why are you so fa...
Nov 20, 2020•6 min
