Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 2

Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 2 My Wife’s Mob Kin Folk. Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 1. Ditzy Donna and Ralphie's first Christmas.

Based on a post by Kirk 48 2002, in 2 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Connected.

There was a crash in the living room and Paulie Toucan's head popped in the semi open door. "Hey you love birds, where you want the tree?" Three more heads looked around the door. Donna and I scrambled for our clothes.

"Don't get dressed on my account," said the pickpocket.

"Don't you believe in knocking? What broke out there?" I asked, shielding Donna from their gaze as she got decent.

"Did something break?" asked the stupid looking one.

"I heard something smash," I replied, pushing my way out to the living room. There was the tree, or part of the tree sitting in the room on top of my glass top coffee table that now was in a thousand pieces. The top part of the tree was still out the door in the hallway and out the common entry door. "I thought you said you were going to cut it," I said furiously.

"We are. We needed to measure first. Okay boys, start measuring," Toucan said.

"Why didn't you leave it outside until it was cut?" asked Donna, now fully dressed.

"We're not gonna cut it outside and wake everybody up. That wouldn't be nice," said the one that looked smarter than he probably was.

"Look what you did to my table!" I shouted.

"Shush. you'll wake the neighbors," said Stupid.

"We need to cut it right here," said the pickpocket, putting the measuring tape away.

Toucan dug a circular saw out from under three and plugged it in. I didn't think it would be any louder than a vacuum cleaner, but I didn't count on it being one from hell. "What's this thing made of, it won't cut," shouted Paulie. He tried again and smoke started wafting up from the tree trunk, but as far as cutting it, not a scratch.

"That's a new blade, I just put it on before we came over," screamed the smart looking one over the din.

I noticed that we were getting an audience at the doorway. I looked outside and could see more and more lights going on the other buildings as the saw wailed on. Sure enough, one of our township's finest was suddenly standing in my place with his arms crossed. That's usually not a good sign. Paulie noticed the man in dark blue and said, "Hi Tony. You want to take a look at this thing. I can't get it to cut."

"Shit, somebody called the cops," I complained.

"Nobody called this in, I heard it, driving by." He turned his attention to Paulie. "Why are you doing this at three o'clock in the morning?"

"This was supposed to be a one and done deal, as a favor to the little lady," he replied, pointing to Donna. "But it won't cut." He kicked the tree.

"Let me see the thing," said Tony. "Pull the plug and get me a screwdriver. Who put the blade on this thing?"

"I did," said the smart-looking one, all proud of himself.

"You're an idiot," stated the cop, as if it were as plain as the nose on Toucan's face.

See, I called that one.

"You put it on backwards." Tony made the switch and said, "Plug it in and try that."

Paulie tried again, and the saw cut through the tree like a hot knife through butter. "Hey, thanks Tony," said Toucan.

"You done making noise now?" Tony asked.

"Yep, all done," I said, wishing everyone would go away.

Tony left, and eventually so did the crowd. Between the six of us, we managed to get the tree up, transfer the decorations, the lights, and clean up the shattered coffee table. Paulie asked the boys to wait for him outside and turned his attention back to us.

"Sorry about the screw up, tonight. As far as the table goes, I'll find you another," he said to me. "Now young lady, is there anything else I can do for you, this morning?"

"I was wondering. Do you have any idea where my dad is? I haven't heard from him since my mom and him split up. She says she doesn't have a clue where he is," she said, sounding depressed.

"She doesn't? Huh," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I'll put out some feelers, and see what I can find out."

"Thanks for even trying," said Donna, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"No problem. My pleasure," he said. Then he turned to me. "Try not to be such a douche bag," he said and left.

I was tired; but before I headed to the bedroom, I looked at the tree. "It really turned out nice."

"I knew it would," Donna said, stifling a yawn. "I'm going to bed."

Attic Treasures and Tales.

"Junior!" Pop shouted, breaking Ralphie's concentration. "Did you find the box of ornaments?"

"Yeah Pop, here." he said handing the box down the ladder.

"Your Mother will be relieved that you found it. What are you doing up here?" Ralph Senior asked.

"You told me to go through all the boxes before we donate them. I found some of my old grade school stuff, and was looking it over, that's all."

"Are these the boxes that are going to the Goodwill?" he asked, looking up through the hatchway.

"Yeah, here you go," Junior said, passing them along to his dad. Settling back under the light, he continued to read.

Christmas Eve.

"Ralph get up!"

I'd just closed my eyes. Why does my groin hurt?

"Ralph, you promised to take me to the store so we could be first in line!"

"What time is it?" I asked, trying to focus my eyes.

"It's five-thirty, come on!" she said, shaking me.

"Five-thirty...am?"

"Come on, let's go!" she said, waving a cup of coffee under my nose.

Last Day of shopping.

It was still dark out when we stood in front of JC Pennys and it was cold. At least they were opening early. The parking lot was filling fast and the crowd was growing. I felt bad for whoever it was, that going to open that door.

"I can't wait to get you your present," she said.

"Don't go spending your money on me," I answered, watching my breath float away.

"Are you kidding, look at this wad of cash," she said, waving her money in the air.

"Put that away, are you nuts?" I barked, looking to see if anyone noticed.

A short, balding man in glasses, was at the door. "Now, I want everyone to take it easy coming in," he shouted through the glass. "There's plenty of everything for everyone." He turned the lock and just barely made it out of the way as Donna and the crowd lunged forward. "Take your time!" he shouted, which had exactly the reverse effect.

Checking Out.

By nine o'clock, we were working on our second round of stuff, and Donna didn't seem to show any sign of slowing down. Everything she bought was on sale or closeout. She was very good at stretching a buck.

"How much cash do you have?" I whispered into her ear.

"About four-twenty," she answered. "Taxes killed me."

"How much do you think is in here," I asked, meaning the carts.

"If my math is right, about seventy five," she replied.

"How much more do you need to get?" I asked, having lost track of this person, and that aunt.

"I think I'm about done except for wrapping supplies," she replied. She loaded the second cart with wrap, bows, ribbon, tags, and tape and headed toward the checkout line. "I still have to get your present, that's going to require me doing it alone. If you want to, we can split up now."

"Do you need the car?" I asked.

"If it's okay with you," she replied.

"Okay," I said. "I'll meet you out front in an hour. Is that enough time?" I asked, handing her money to cover my stuff in the carts.

"Yep, I know what I'm getting."

We parted ways and I headed right back to the coat section. Donna was still wearing the same coat and sweater that she wore in ninth grade and they were well past their prime. Thanks to my snooping, I knew her sizes, and soon I'd picked out a few blouses, and a new pair of jeans; to go along with the coat and sweater. They also had pajamas on sale, with matching robe and slippers. Perfect. I was set; and soon outside waiting for her. It was only a few minutes before she pulled up.

"All done?" we asked in unison. I tossed the bag in the back seat and Donna drove us home.

Wrapping Up and Sucking Off.

I wasn't much help to Donna when we got home. I brought one load of gifts in, and flopped on the bed. I must have been dead to the world, because I never even noticed Donna lie down next to me, and cover us with a blanket. When I woke, Donna was an inch away from my face; snoring like a drunken sailor. As I glanced out the window, I noticed three things;

One was that it was getting dark out,

two it was snowing,

and three, Paulie Toucan was waving at me on the other side of the glass.

When he saw that he had my attention, he motioned to me to open the window. I did.

"Hey Douche Bag, I got that table I told ya about," he said, then blow in his hands.

"That fast?" I asked.

"I told ya last night it was no problem. Different size packages fall off the back of trucks all the time. So, ah, ya gonna let us in, or do we just stuff it through the window?" he asked, shaking from the cold.

I opened the front door, and he and Paulie Asshole carried it in. It was an elegant looking mahogany, glass top coffee table. It was a light year better than my old one. Words escaped me. "I don't know what to say."

"Fuckin' figures," said Asshole.

"There's no need to say anything, but a simple thank you would be nice, Douche Bag." Toucan said.

"Thank you. Now, why do you keep calling me that?" I asked.

"What?" asked Paulie Toucan, looking at Paulie Asshole as if he really didn't know.

"You know, Douche Bag," I replied.

"That's your name, isn't it?" he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"No, it's Ralph."

"I thought it was his name," he said; and turned toward Asshole, "Didn't you think it was his name?"

"Yeah, I thought it fuckin' fit him perfect," Asshole replied.

"Well, I hate to break up this magic moment here, but we got to get back to the tree lot. Say hello to your sweetheart for me; and tell her I passed on the word about her pop," and out they went.

After admiring my new table, I went to check on Donna. She was sitting up on the bed wanting to know what was going on. I told her about the table, and about Paulie's message. That put her in a good mood.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Okay."

"I mean down there," she said pointing at my groin.

"Oh, it's still kind of sore," I replied, not kidding around.

"Let's have a look," she said, tugging at my belt. She pulled my pants and underwear down. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh what?" I said looking down. She turned on the desk lamp and I saw the 'uh oh'. I was black and blue from the base of little Ralphie, up to an inch from my navel.

"Do you feel okay other than just being sore?" she asked, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"It doesn't hurt much other than to touch it. I don't think we'll be, you know," I said, making humping motions with my hands, "Any time soon."

"Does this still work?" she asked tapping mini me. She got her answer quickly. "You got hurt yesterday and didn't get to enjoy it. I'm going to do something I never did before. I don't know if I'm going to like it or not, but I'm willing to give it a shot, considering I'm the one that injured you." She reached over and put on her Groucho glasses. "If I were you, I'd really try to enjoy this; because it might be the only time I ever do it."

She pulled me close to the bed and took my cock in her mouth. Never taking her hands off my thighs, she used just her lips and tongue over the head and top of the shaft. The feeling was silky, soft, and it kind of tickled. At first, I thought that I could last forever because there was little or no friction. I tried to look down and watch her, but her hair was blocking the view. I closed my eyes and enjoyed myself like she suggested.

Just as I was about to tell her that nothing was going to happen, a strange tingling sensation started on the underside and base of  ‘little Ralphie.’ It slowly moved up to the tip like a slow burning fuse. My thighs shook and I gasped, as a jet blasted out and caught Donna off guard. She pulled her mouth off me, gagged, and coughed. What was still down there shot out on her cheeks and neck.

"I'm sorry!" I said, grabbing her some tissues.

"I think it might be a while before we try that again," she replied between coughs.

Food and Drink.

Monday, before I came home, I went across the bridge to Jersey and got myself a six-pack of Miller and a bottle of pink wine for Donna. She was busy cooking food for Christmas Day, including a big boneless ham. All we had to do was stick the stuff back in the oven to heat it up and eat. There was enough food there to last us the rest of the week; which was kind of nice, since we were both off until the Monday after. As the ham and casseroles cooled in the kitchen, we went to separate rooms to wrap our presents.

Tuesday was Christmas Eve and we both had work until six. When I got home Donna was already there having only two blocks to walk.

"Want to go out to eat?" she asked.

"I don't think anything's open," I replied.

"The Ho-Wah is open," she said; whipping out a pair of chopsticks.

Ten minutes later, we were sitting in the Ho-Wah, an authentic Chinese restaurant that was considered the place to go on a date, to impress the girl. I didn't need to impress Donna, I needed to feed her and quick. There weren't many people in the place, but more customers were filing in as we waited for our server.

Donna had started to munch on the noodles at the table, dipping them in hot mustard. "You gotta try this," she said, scooping in some more.

"That's a little too hot for me," I said, dipping mine in duck sauce.

"Hello," said an attractive middle-aged Asian woman. "Would you like our special for two, tonight?" A beautiful Siamese cat sat on the floor next to her.

"That sounds good; also we want a pu pu platter," I said, feeling extra hungry.

"Pu pu not on special," she stated.

"I know, we want the special and the pu pu platter," I repeated, thinking I wasn't being clear.

"Pu pu not with special, you must pay extra," she said.

"I understand. I'll pay extra for the pu pu platter."

"Pu pu for two is not cheap."

"Okay, forget the pu pu," I said in defeat.

"You get pu pu. I already wrote it down, see?" she said stuffing the ticket in my face.

"Okay, we'll take the pu pu platter."

She glared at me. "You want pu pu or not?"

"Yes!" I barked back.

She turned around shouted something in Mandarin.

The guy working the wok said, "Pu pu for two!"

The man chopping vegetables shouted, "Pu pu for two!"

The fellow cleaning the litter box yelled, "Pu pu for two!"

The lady served us our tea and the cat took turns rubbing mine and Donna's legs. Dinner and the pu pu platter came while Donna and I made small talk. The conversation eventually led to her father.

"I still have no idea why he dropped off the face of the Earth like that. I mean, just because he and my mom didn't get along any more, didn't mean he had to stop talking to me. I always thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong," she said, finishing her plate.

I didn't have any words of wisdom for her. My parents were only five minutes away and I saw them twice a week. I had no basis for comparison. She had little to say after that, and we finished our meal and headed home.

Squatters Scram.

As we walked in, I noticed something not quite right, namely Jim trying desperately to get out the living room window.

"Stop!" I shouted. Jim pulled his head back through the opening. "What are you doing here?" I said, trying to sound as irritated as I actually was. I really didn't need to ask, with him trying to hold up his pants, but I wanted to hear him say it.

"Funny you should ask that," he said, buckling his belt. "My friend needed to use a bathroom and we just happened to be in the neighborhood," he explained while Shaky waved to us from outside.

I wandered into the bedroom and it was a wreck. "That's it! Both of you get your asses in there and fix it up! Now!" I hollered, pushing Jim done the hall. Donna yanked Shaky back through the window and shoved her toward Jim. I stood in the doorway with my hands on my hips watching the two. "Change the sheets on the bed."

"They ate the ham!" shouted Donna from the kitchen.

"You two ate a ten pound boneless ham? That was supposed to last me and Donna until the weekend!" I asked astonished.

"We were hungry," said Shaky.

"What, like Fred and Wilma Flintstone?" I looked back toward the kitchen and asked, "Is there anything else missing?"

Donna looked around the corner and sheepishly replied, "They got your six-pack of Miller too."

Jim and Shaky were done with the bedroom, and stood there; like two kids, knowing a spanking was coming. I pointed to the front door, grit my teeth and said, "Get out. I don't want to ever see either one of you again."

They both stood there.

"Get out!"

They went quickly and silently. I may never see Shaky again, but something tells me that I haven't seen the last of Jim.

"What does that leave us with, in there?" I asked, feeling low.

Around the corner of the kitchen, a potato with her Groucho glasses on and forks stuck in for legs with Donna's voice said, "Well, they didn't touch any of the stuff I made to go with the ham. We could make sandwiches tomorrow and get another ham on Thursday. You can make another run across the bridge for your beer too. We both have the rest of week off, so it won't matter that much."

"I guess," I said to Mr. Potato head.

Donna came out of the kitchen and gave me a hug. "Let's put the presents under the tree."

There was one heck of a lot of presents sitting there, when we were done. It almost made the tree look less immense.

She grabbed the potato guy and held it up to my face. "I'm tired. Want to go to bed?"

"Are we going to have sex? I don't think I can take any pounding tonight," I said as a reminder.

"I'll go easy on you, but wait here until I call you in," she said, skipping into the bedroom.

'I hope I don't have to do Mr. Potato head too,' I thought.

"Okay, come on in," I heard her say through the closed door.

I heard bells jingle. 'Oh boy...'

There she stood, dressed as Kris Kringle; complete with boots and hat with jingle bells on the top. Well, she wasn't completely dressed like him; she was bottomless.

In the deepest voice she could muster, she said, "Ho, ho, ho. You've been a good boy this year. Tell Santa what you want."

"More oral sex?" I asked, hopefully.

"Santa takes a pass, t