When God Turns Your Pain Into Purpose

Sit back and get ready to enjoy .

So this is my um last episode for this month , for mother's hood . Oh , mother's hood , motherhood . I don't know why I said mothers . Anyway , because I have multiple women on Into who's , I'm going to allow my last , final wonderful guest to introduce herself .

Yeah , I'm sorry , I'm sure she's probably like reading mine more , because I definitely can give a facial expression , if you know . You know , yes , but all right , well , I'm proud of you for being in therapy , I'm proud of you for starting you . Thank you , girl . Thank you , that's one of the first things she said .

She's like oh good , you know , congrats for signing up , and I was like yes , I said I tell my friend all the time , but some of them are like gay . Some of them are like you're doing what and I'm like you don't understand how that would really , it really releases you , gives you that safe place it does and also helps you grow .

Yes , so uh , what advice would you give your younger self cling ?

It's still him , but it had to be a softer , kinder spirit to him , and that was probably my biggest one .

But I was always left with that just yearning and that sadness that that was something I was never gonna have . You know , yeah , um , by the grace of God , that is not true . And I found myself pregnant for the first time .

I was 25 years old and had a year , clean and sober , and I was just ecstatic . You know , it was another flip of the switch . It was scary because I had never experienced it . I was scared because they told me it would never happen . So I was so protective of the entire pregnancy . Every little thing , every little bump just scared me .

Yeah , but we got through that and I have an amazing son today because I have two beautiful daughters , even after they told me again I would have slim to no chance of ever conceiving again . After each one of them , I tell you , god has the final say for sure . Oh , he does . And you know , I've gotten to the communication I have with him today .

I think when I give him any of my plans I can actually hear that big belly laugh . Now like that's what you think's gonna happen sure , that's what you think yeah , so , uh , it's just , it's been a series . I can't really say one impact .

There's just been so many different impacts where I feel like my life has shifted into a completely new direction , and , of course , motherhood was one of them . The other one was , well , I had a miscarriage in 2013 . And so that was very devastating , you know it .

My motherhood changed then , you know , because I had a mourning inside of me that I had never felt before Very hard to cope . Back then I didn't have therapy .

Uh , I had to let go of the things that were working for me to help me stay sober , and so , mentally , I started backtracking in the way I thought about myself , you know , I thought I did something wrong . I did , I thought I wasn't worthy .

Um , he was punishing me all those old , you know and so it allowed it to let me fall back into relapse , you know . And so , in doing that , it changed again . You know , I strived hard to cling to God , but the depression was so heavy that I just didn't know how to live without the depression , and so the drugs helped me cope , or so I believe .

You know , at the end of that , it took everything . Yeah , you know , it took everything . I was separated from my children and motherhood changed again . Yeah , it was pretty bittersweet , you know . It's been a long seven years , almost eight years now A journey that has humbled me a lot .

Yeah , it took me to a place where the only thing I had to cling to was God . Yeah , and I had those cling to was God . Yeah , and I had those choices I had in one hand to continue on the path that I was on and end up jail , prison or in hospitals or dead .

Um , earn not their love because they loved me through all of it , you know , but um , earn that confidence in me again where they felt safe with me , where they weren't scared that I was just not going to come home or that I wasn't going to return or I was going to go back out there .

That's a that was my biggest fear that they would always be scared that I was going to go back . So it's been like I said . Um , cps was involved and through CPS I got introduced to therapy . I got introduced to PermiaCare here in Odessa and they helped me get through transition , through the beginning stages .

I fought the medication because I have an addict's mind , you know , and so the medication scared me a lot , you know . You can buy most of that stuff on the streets and I was not wanting to go back to that mindset , you know . So I finally found a doctor that was willing to go slow with me and I was honest with him . I wasn't used to being honest .

You know , I went from very healthy to 100 pounds lighter and I'm seeing pictures now you can see like I was dying . I was slowly dying , and so when I think about what my kids saw when they looked at me . Oh man , it was very eye opening .

So this was the first time I'd been in Calston before , because you know , if you have a mind , a life like mine , they tend to send you there a lot .

Yes , and I always had that mindset that , okay , you could kind of tell when the counselors are , you know , just giving you out of a workbook , yeah , and it was like , oh , they're not going to listen to me , so I'll just I know the other side of it , I'll just tell them what they want to hear you know Right .

And sure enough , you know , three months , I'm good , signed off , you know . She has no problem , she's overcame , you know . The only one was it was a lie , you know . And so I ended up still with the same issues as the first time I was in my addiction before I even had children .

Yeah , having to face those same issues , you know , and it was like man , you don't realize , you just get so comfortable with it there , whether it's good for you or not , that you don't realize how heavy that stuff gets and how much it um changes the way you react to people and situations , you know .

So I got very reclusive and I didn't want to share with anybody , I didn't want to talk with anybody , so I literally went into my first uh , therapy okay , real therapy appointment , bawling my eyes out , crying all the way up there . And her first question , of course , is how are you ?

I did not know how to react to me going in there and telling the truth finally , yeah , so it was now . I think it's hilarious , you know , and I see that counselor and she still laughs at me oh really , yes , but it was just so mind-blowing , the simple things that she showed me .

Yeah , just to kind of reprogram how I saw situations , and it was like I never thought about it , like it's

so simple and just repeating right until , just like the bad things that we think about ourselves , we program them in there over and over and over again . Well , if we can just work through them one at a time , I can finally say I can look in the mirror today and I love what I see .

Oh my gosh yeah , because they've gotten to see so many different sides of me , and I think they were the first ones I was finally honest with , you know , because I sat them down and told them they knew me in recovery . They , they knew we had been addicts but had never lived it , if that makes sense , you know .

So them seeing it at the end was , um , I'm sure , heartbreaking for them . And you know you don't understand that , the why's in it , especially for young kids , you know . But they kept on loving me and encouraging me and they never gave up on me . Hmm , so that has shifted to where I can . I can feel that I am good , like my decisions are okay .

You know , it was for the best of them , for the best for me , to be able to grow and they've gotten to watch that journey and so I can gratefully say my kids know god today because they've seen him in action . There is no doubt that they have seen that . They have seen him in action through , through our lives .

You know , and it's lives that we've lived together and grown together and uh . So as much as it hurt to go through those experiences , I am grateful for them because I wouldn't be , I wouldn't be sitting here sharing , I'd be holed up , you know , probably still in my depression , yeah , hovering over them , and you know what I mean .

And , um , I'm grateful today that god can use every one of us , like even my kids , you know , talking to other kids in foster care that see no hope , sometimes with their parents , and they can say just keep praying , you know .

And uh , look my mom , my mom went through that too , and be able to share that with somebody , because our foster care system is so full of kids that feel unloved , yeah , and without hope , and so to be able to share not not just my story for parents , but their story with them , with the children , oh man , I'm blessed and and they're truly , truly , just a

blessing . They really are .

I had my aunt on where you know she had kids later . I think she actually had kids around the same age as you , if not a little bit older , um , she , but she's also now a grandmother . So just that journey .

Um , I had my friend on last week and you know she was , um , she's a first responder's wife , so sometimes her she doesn't always have her husband um , they're present , so sometimes she has to occupy , almost like she's a single mom , but she's not um , but just balancing that out and ask , answering all the uh little ones questions .

So , but then I was like , what about the moms with , like , not just struggle but have even lost their little one ? Yeah , when this holiday comes up , like , how do you navigate that space ? It is it's been .

But since it happened , you know what I mean it opened doors to that conversation with other women and for me it was like just so heartbreaking to the point that it's like that's all I could think about .

You know , and I'm not the only one that lost them , you know , because I I was five and a half months pregnant , so my kids had already been listening to my belly . They've been feeling the kicking they they had , and you , my husband , at the time , we had already embraced this child into our lives .

So , coming home from the hospital after emotionally getting drained ourselves , it was just devastating that we had to tell our three children that their brother wasn't going to come . You're okay .

my son we had two hours . Then we got to hold him , we got to baptize him and we got to give him back to the Lord . They were precious moments . Yeah , I couldn't imagine how hard it'd be to act like the baby never existed . Yeah , no , as soon as you know there is nothing that's going to stop your heart from just automatically loving .

Yeah , it doesn't matter if you're four weeks , if you're , you know all the way to the end it's . But a lot of women suffer alone and the fathers get pulled out of that . Like you know , they experience it too . It's a loss for both parents , that's true .

And , like I said , when you've got children it's a family affair , and so it doesn't just stop with the mom , but sometimes they do . They just shut down because if you think about it it tears you up , and if you don't , you feel guilty and I mean like I couldn't even talk as soon as the thought was there , it was broke . Just break down , you know .

But now I mean getting as close as I have to God . Death is a transition , you know , and I believe with my full heart that I will meet him again . You know , and it was an experience Of . Of course , you don't wish it on anybody , right ? But uh , you can get through it . You know , you don't ever forget . You always remember the day .

You always think what would they look like you know , and you look at your other children . It's like , well , you know , you know they already had the same nose , they , they already had the you know and what . So you're in wonder about them but , still grateful .

, I felt so alone in those times , yeah , and whether it was in my sadness , in my addiction , in my , I always felt very alone and I wouldn't . So I try not to allow anybody around me to feel alone , if that makes sense it does If .

I noticed that person because I was that quiet person that , yes , I was always smiling but wouldn't make a big impression .

Yeah , you , just I was in the mix and we're made to be set apart , we're made to stand out , and so if our story and testimony can help somebody else find that little bit of hope that you know what I can get through this , then I will share it Every opportunity I get . Wow , wow , it's good , it is very good telling god is good and it's just .

kids but I know like obviously my mom she has three , but there's well , there's more than three of us . But anyway , to be able to parent different kids and meet them where they're at , I can , I know that's just because I've heard , but just how god can meet all of us where we're at .

It's like you will mother any child around you and you will give them the love like they were yours . Yeah .

I'm always saying you know the auntie , uncle that does all the extra .

Yeah , you know , and that's where I think we do . We lack a lot , because sometimes we let people pass us by and we know and we can see , and we just walk away because we're scared to ask . And I mean just to ask catch , you know , make eye contact and just let them know .

We're scared to ask , yeah , and I mean just to ask catch it , you know , make eye contact and just let them know they're seen . It makes such a difference . It does , yes , and so it's . You can make a difference . One person can make a difference , yeah , and one person's life , yeah , and one right after another .

So when he leads me and puts opportunity in front of me like this , then as much as my brain is saying no , inside it's like okay , yeah , yeah , I'll do it . Because it's not what I would normally do see , so it has to be God .

And then just happened to walk in and then I think I mentioned the podcast first and I said this is great . And I said I've wanted this topic and you were like , oh , I've gone through that yeah , and that's when God like starts throwing

son I guess we didn't have cable back then , you know . So we're watching those old time shows right , and I don't know if you saw it on TV . I don't know why he asked this question , but he was like Mom , why don't we take a basket of bread to our neighbors ? Like we don't even know our neighbors , like why don't we take them a basket of bread ?

And I was like where did that come from ? You know , but back in other days you knew your neighbors , yeah , I definitely don't know mine . Yeah , and it's like where did all that go ? Like we're so separated that it is as a community , as brothers and sisters in Christ .

It's like we're meant to be there for one another and we just got to step into it sometimes and be open . It's like I said , simple as a smile hey , how are you today ? You can ask me that question . Like I said , you might get a different reaction . Either I'll be bawling or God will start introducing all kinds of stuff Like where did that come ?

No , just like those big impacts just being seen , it , um , it helps , because I remember being invisible for so long , like it , and I believed that I did not matter , yeah , that my pain did not matter , yeah , that my pain did not matter , that , and it was a complete lie . A complete lie .

But when we just walk next to people and not ask a basic question like how are you ? Yeah , it could change their whole day . You know , it could . You just don't know . But are we willing to try ?

It's just me , you know being me . And um , she was like I . I have a little one that's um , has disabilities , and she doesn't know one day from another and she will never be able to tell me happy mother's day . Yeah , so you saying those words , words .

You don't know how much that really meant to me and how god just used you just then and I said I actually think for a second I was like , oh , I said well , ma'am , happy mother's day because I didn't .

I didn't know what to say you just give them a big hug and I was like , oh , and I was like , well , I said thank you for everything that you do for her , because I I've um been a business manager for an icf facility that helps take care of um individuals that have disabilities , so I know what that's like yes um so I just meant you know , told her thank

you and happy mother's day again and she was like I think she said like god bless you and I was like thank you , same to you and phone call ended .

just that , if you fall into any of the categories you know that I mentioned today , know that you're not alone , yeah , um , know that there's somewhere or someone . All you've got to do is look up , look up .

You know , when we're in those places , we have a tendency of looking at the ground , yeah , and sometimes we miss the people that God puts in front of us . We just need to look up , if not seek out . I don't like a body of Christ , you know . It doesn't matter which one . We're all connected through the love of God , and so ask questions .

You know , if you're hearing this for a reason , then you know , make contact if you can . In some way we've got resources . You know , we'll pray with you , we'll pray for you . I try to keep that constantly in my prayers . Anything I've been through , you know , we'll pray with you , we'll pray for you . I try to keep that constantly in my prayers .

Anything I've been through , you know , any kind of abuse , any kind of addiction , and because I remember those moments were my darkest moments and so I call out to them just to give it a chance . You know God will introduce you to somebody that will show you something different . He works through us , yeah , and so find a way , make a decision .

That was my first thing . Make a decision that you want something different and ask god , you know hey you want to come party with me ?

If you need prayer , you can always reach out to me . I can either pray with you over the phone or in person . If you're somewhere close , or just want to just send a request in , that's fine too . I can pray for you . Just say thank you . Thank you , lord , for allowing us to see this day and thank you , lord , for allowing these listeners to listen .

And with that note , I say bye .

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