It is time to get solar powered. This is the solar powered podcast, and I'm Ryan Hall from loyal hearts coaching, royal hearts coaching dot com, life and relationship coaching for kings. And we're continuing our series about tales from COVID 19 19 and tales from the pandemic with, I think what's gonna be a incredibly powerful story, a story about redemption, a story about, a story about reconnection, about transformation.
And I think just really something that I think a lot of listeners are going to get a lot of value of because there's, I think there's a lot of, there's a lot of power and just kind of really owning exactly who you are and being able to, I guess, remember who, you know, really remember what's important and just really remembering what makes you you. And I've got an incredibly powerful guest joining us here today. Her name is doctor Barbara Milton.
She is a, she is a social worker, professor, and, a really powerful story, and I'm really excited to welcome doctor Barbara Milton to the solar powered podcast. Welcome to the program. Thank you so much, Ryan. Yes. So thank you very much for having me. No. My pleasure. My pleasure. First question I always ask of my guests is who is Barbara Milton? Love that question, and I'll try to do it in less than 2 hours. Yeah. So, I mean, there's a lot of parts with who I am.
So So why should you just sit back and make a sandwich here as I make your suit? That's that's what I'm saying. Just chill out a little bit. Come on the ride. You know? Alright. Alright. I well, I'm I am more than what I do. What I've done all my life is I've, been a social worker, and I have a passion for social work. I was introduced to social workers at a very young age because of, family issues in my life.
And what I like to say is who I am is a person who, walks this earth believing in, sort of, beauty, believing in, I have very high ideas about, the goodness in the world. I like to put goodness into the world. I am a tenacious advocate for, against tyranny and against oppression and for social justice and equality.
That's a lot of stuff I've gotten from my upbringing as an African American woman, who comes from a family who was a teenage mother, who was born and raised in segregated South Jersey in the 19 forties, to a family that was in abject poverty, who had extreme difficulty excuse me, extreme dignity, in the face of such adversity. That's, what's in my blood is, sort of a culture of people who experience challenges and overcame challenges.
I you mentioned and I see social work as sort of a pathway for doing that, so that's why I am a social worker. I, you mentioned a, redemption and you've mentioned a story about, a project that I'm working on. And, the project that I'm working on is a book about my mother who I recently lost, who's succumb to Alzheimer's disease.
And this is the story of, as I said, a a teenage mother born to poverty, who had a lot of unresolved, issues in her own life, traumas and other difficulties, that actually, made for a very difficult childhood in my life. Essentially, I was an unwanted child. My mother I believe I was the product of rape and, and that really colored the relationship, that I had in my own childhood. When you think of childhood, you think of very happy times. My mother's childhood was not happy.
My childhood was not happy. My childhood, landed me in front of, social workers and counselors, because I didn't have the skills or the knowledge or the understanding, about how to deal with a mother who was in such pain.
And, and thank God for the mental health workers and the social workers who gave me some of the skills, to be able to go on to be, a very high achieving student, to find joy and study, to to keep hope in my heart, to land, and and and create sort of a different trajectory for my life. But there's definitely casualties in poverty. There's casualties in racism. There's casualties in inequality in this country.
And we're, at the time that you and I are talking, we're seeing a lot of this manifesting in the outer world with this dual crisis we're experiencing right now with, both the COVID nineteen pandemic as well as the civil unrest we're experiencing in our country. And I I understand that. I understand both streams of this.
So, so anyway, my book is an attempt to with my mom, anyway, is an attempt to tell the story about a a relationship that was a difficult relationship, as an only child, getting a phone call from my mother saying, I need help. Something's wrong with me. And that was not an easy call for my mother to make. Proud woman, a woman who is tenacious, learned to carve out a life for herself. You know, she had a 3rd grade education and still she managed to be a homeowner.
She managed to, always be employed. She, she, my mother could have been a pro. She could have been a pro. She could have been a pro bowler. She could have been a pro, believe it or not, a roller derby star. She could have been a pro female wrestler. She could have been anything she wanted to if not for the circumstances and the times that she grew up in. Kind of a larger than life personality.
She was, And I didn't know that about her until I had this beautiful experience of taking on, the role of caring for her and what became the last stages of her life, Brian. Right. She had such enormous potential as all children have. And then the, you know, the way that systemic oppression and racism and hardships just pound that out of you and lodge you of that joy and hope.
It's such a brutal and cruel reality for so many, children, which is why I launched myself into a world of working to, be a healer and working to work with young people, to help restore hope, to help help kids, reach their dreams and reach their potential as a as a clinical social worker for, and a social worker for all my working life. But, like, writing this story for my mom, as she succumbed, she was on the pathway to succumbing from Alzheimer's, because that's what Alzheimer's does.
I mean, it is a very long goodbye. That's what Alzheimer's is. Yeah. No cure. It's just a worsening, worsening robbery of of of of of your loved one. And I yeah. I mean, I saw it firsthand. My grandfather was a just an incredibly powerful, charismatic man in his prime, was a, you know, was a singer, was on the radio, was a, you know, manager of people.
And just to see the long goodbye is just he had Alzheimer's before he passed away about 12 years ago, and that was just it was really rough to see. It really was rough to be with. Yes. Absolutely. And they and, you know, like, I I I I could see it all the time in my mother. She had an awareness in the beginning of it that she was losing her memory and her mind.
And, like, you know, the agitation that happens, the the volatile emotional things that happen, with, people who are, in the throes of Alzheimer's dementia. You can understand why that is. I mean, it is it's no fun knowing you're losing your mind. And my mother was fighting it. Like I said, she was a fighter.
And, it it did not sit well with her that she couldn't remember, where the keys were or house numbers or what she ate or, you know, when she you know, while she had the awareness of it, certainly. And then for and then after after a certain period, of course, there is no awareness. But, she fought it very hard, and it was very hard to see her, decompensate like that.
But our challenge the challenge for me and my mom was how does someone where we didn't have the closest, bond and the closest relationship, how do how do how do you show up for someone who's in need like that when that's what it was like before the the disease came into the picture? And that was really the challenge I was presented with.
And, and of course, you know, you make a decision and you and my decision was to come from a place of, initially it was like duty is the best word to describe it. Like she had no one else and, I needed to be there for her. But what I got from the process and what the book I'm writing is all about is how, caregiving became the vehicle and Alzheimer's became the vehicle for this opportunity for my mother and I to form a bond that we never had in our lives. That was a bond around trusting.
It was a bond around surrendering. It was a bond around for the first time, love, like real love and care and, reliance and surrender and, and redemption, and to move us from the pain that we had in in our past to to the dignified place and the place of love, at the time of her passing was a beautiful, beautiful transformational experience. And it's a gift that, she gave me, that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
So that's the, you know, so, so writing, having that experience, sharing this experience with the world when I when this book comes out in the next few months, I hope will be helpful to people who, are in similar places with their loved ones, who have to assume roles of caregiving. Like, how do you push through? How do you push through to get to that place? Because you can't care for someone if your heart isn't right. Yeah. It it won't it won't provide for a quality caring.
And I couldn't just be there in the flesh and not be with her in the spirit and in with my emotions in the right place. And that's the gift I got from caring for my mother and it was a healing for me. It was a healing for her. And I hope that, when people read it, they'll they'll be inspired by our story, should they be faced with a similar situation in their life.
You know, you know, my, you know, my grandfather, who I shared about, my he and my dad did not have a great relationship for many, many years. But I think that, you know, kind of seeing him, seeing my dad and my my grandfather, his dad, you know, relating at a little bit deeper level kinda towards the end even in sort of the, you know, even as sort of the as the disease, the Alzheimer's disease was just raging out of control. Was a really powerful moment for me to witness. Mhmm. You know?
And, like, I have it that, I mean, my dad passed several years ago, but I have it that that was the, like, the first moment that he ever really saw his father for the man that he was and not just the, you know, kind of the, you know, broken, shattered relationship that they had developed over the years. Yeah. Wow. And and I could see that through a grandson's eyes, how, powerful that is to witness that.
And and and I can relate to the feeling of it being such a beautiful feeling as a person who experienced it. And, and I hope, you know, you would hope that others could get to that place as well. I mean, that's a very interesting thing. I mean, lots of lots of lots of things happen in those, the potential for things to happen in those weeks prior to a loved one's passing, exists, you know. I mean, I hear about it all the time, bedside conversions, bedside, amends and that sort of thing.
People getting right before they in relationships before they pass on. And I, I had that experience and I'm so grateful for it. I mean, I think the alternative to that, like, I mean, not to say that my mother, that everything got resolved between me and my mother before she passed away because I mean, like, I still don't know who my father is. I mean, this is a secret she took to her grave with her, you know, and believe you me, I tried to get the answer to that question.
So, but you know, so some things will go to the grave with our loved ones, but to have that, you know, just to have a little closure and a little, and a little, shift and change in the resentment, like the letting go of the resentments and the angers of the past so that you could be fully present with your loved one in that moment. It was a very, precious, precious gift that I received. And I, and I think we we all I hope others get that as well. Right. Yeah. It's quite a Yeah.
Yeah. And it's feeling. Yeah. No no no doubt. No doubt. And it's a really powerful testimony to just how, like, how I would say just, you know, it's like the old Earth, Wind, and Fire song. The the line from the their song Mighty Mighty, in your heart lies all the answers to the truth you can't run from.
And, yeah, I mean, that I think that to me, just that kind of, you know, being able to make that kind of connection even through some of your trib you know, trials and tribulations, you know, health wise and the like to be able to make that reconnection with her on such a deep level is just I think it's gonna make one hell of a compelling book. Oh, thank you for saying that. And I think, look, everything about me has been sort of a it's connected to my mother. You know?
Like, the reason I was a social worker is connected to my mother. Right? Both because I I needed a social worker in my life, but also because of our story. And I I said, I I am going to make a commitment in my life to working against oppression, and I am going to make a commitment in my life to, reorder resources in our country so that we end suffering for people in the margins. Like that was because of growing up in my family.
That I, I, I, the qualities before writing this book, if I wrote this book 6 years ago, it would be a book about anger, resentment. It would be a book that would have a lot of pain in it. But because I had this experience with my mother, I am now writing a book where I could say one of the new ways I see myself is I see all of the positive attributes that my mother deposited into me. Not just the attributes that I used to run from, like, oh my god, I'm gonna be mean.
Oh my God. I'm just, you know, I'm going to, you know, be depressed. Right? Some of these qualities that I inherited that were like stances for survival in my, in my younger life. But through this process, I now look in the mirror and I say, oh my God, my sense of humor, even my appearance now looks so much more like my mother. My my my outgoingness, that was my mom.
Like, I got to see her with the best, more clear eyes over the last 5 years of her life and more acutely in the last year of her life, when I saw who she truly was, a generous, warm, funny, kind, big spirited person, with a tenacious work ethic, with a very strong moral center, what's right and wrong, who had a lot of love in her.
She, and when she was reduced to just that essence from this disease in the last year of her life, I would say, and I got to witness that bright light of hers, I can now look in the mirror and see that light in myself and say, ah, I know where it came from now. That's my mother. My joy is my mother. There's love is, is my mother. And I never had that feeling before. What a beautiful, beautiful thing that was.
So, I, I, I said this when I eulogized her and it hit me, it hit me really hard when I eulogized her. And I, I said this line, I now know I'm the apple and she was my tree.
I never had that experience before, even though, so while it was hard and, you know, my book is lays out, there's a chapter of my book called the village, because I had to summons an enormous amount of resources and services, people, and a collection of doctors and then family and friends, like all that I needed to get me through this very challenging process of inheriting someone's full life and taking it over when you have your own life and my life in the midst of battling cancer.
So, I needed a village to help move me and my mother through this journey, until her, from her, that first call to her final resting place. And, what a gift that was to, to, to, to be able to, to be able to pull all that together and make it through. But that's what love would do for you. You know, love would get you through. Yeah. I'm, you know, there's there's 1 during that last share and I just got chills as you as you were sharing that.
But during that last share, the word miracle kept coming up in my mind is that this, you know, this redemption, this reconnection was a true miracle. I mean, you were able to, you know, you were able to see her in a in a in a completely different light because she was a kid when she became a mother herself.
Yep. And, you know, you were able to see that she was somebody who was doing the best that she could, and you were able to actually remove the kind of your own mask from how you saw her to be able to see her for her truth and her essence. And that's just, you know, that's just gotta be one gift that you know, just a precious gift that not only will you take to your grave, but I would say beyond your grave when, you know, when this book comes out.
Yeah. Absolutely. And I tell you, you know, I'm gonna give a shout out to social work training because, I understood, my very first few social work courses in the in the early 19, 19 7 in the late seventies that, I began to understand my mom was doing the best she could. And then as I went on to become a clinical social worker, I mean, I really understood it much better.
I mean, you know, understanding someone's pain is one thing, putting yourself in, in, in, in, you know, putting yourself in a position to be inflicted with that pain is another thing. So part of our story in the past was we avoided each other a lot. Right. Cause it was hurtful, you know?
But I got it intellectually and I, and I had for a long time, but to, to be able to be in her presence and to show up with her and and and to not have those daggers and darts and the meanness and the hurtfulness for both sides now, because I had pain too. Right? I mean, it's transactional. It wouldn't just all my mom, of course, you know. We were both doing the best we can, but to to be, to not to, to, to be free of that for the last year of her life. Oh my God. What a gift, like you said.
And that is something I will treasure for the rest of my life. It is what's fueling my spirit right now as I take on these, other battles in my life. I'm fighting cancer. I've been fighting cancer since 2012. I was, very I have bladder cancer. In 2016, I lost one kidney to it. 2018, I I, the cancer showed up in my other kidney.
And, I have been the recipient of not just this miracle and transformation with my mother, but I also have been gifted the miracle of a clinical trial at Sloan Kettering that has kept my kidney in my body right now. I was, I was a day away from losing my kid, my only other kidney. I was literally scheduled for the surgery to have my bladder taken out, my kidney taken out to be, to go onto, dialysis, for an uncertain amount of time.
And somehow I got this ping on my telephone about a clinical trial that was happening, using the chlorophyll of the wisteria plant, to kill my specific kind of tumors in my kidney. And then when I began to trace who was doing this innovative vascular therapy chlorophyll treatment, it ended up being that same doctor who took my kidney out in 2016. What a miracle that was. And I reconnected with doc that doctor. I was in his office within 10 days time.
The surgery that I was gonna have was canceled. I started the trial with him. I had these injections into my body of this chlorophyll. And then when that chlorophyll laced blood landed in the kidney where all the tumors were at, this urologist met that blood with a laser and zapped those tumors and killed those tumors. And right now, today, as I'm talking to you, I have no cancer in my kidney. And that was just a straight up miracle. So, you know, I I I wake up every morning in such gratitude.
I wake up for the gratitude. I wake up with gratitude about, having had this beautiful end of life's experience with my mother. I go to her grave a couple of times a week and I just sit with her and it's just all love. I'm sitting with her in love And I wake up in morning, in the mornings, and I put my hand over the left side of my, my body and I feel my body and I go, my God, I have this kidney still. I'm not on dialysis.
I still have bladder cancer, but, you know, I've been dealing with this bladder cancer since 2012. And every 90 days, they put a scope inside of me. They look they search for bladder cancer cells and tumors. They take them out. We treat me, and then I move on. So I said this to you before. I basically have been living life in 90 day spurts. Every 90 days, you do this procedure, get the tumors out, get you safe, go on and live your life.
And that's, you know, so that's where I'm at right now, back to that 90 day, every 90 day living. And in those 90 days with my mother's love fueling me and my heart with a reconnection to her love, with a reconnection to a power much greater than myself, I just wanna do good in the world. I mean, that's what social work training is too, is to put good into the world, put good into the world. And, that good led me to you, Ryan.
And I so appreciate this connection to you through our mutual friend, Liz, as we're writing a chapter about, mutual friend, Liz, as we're writing, a chapter about, like, how do we get through this pandemic? Like, how are we getting through? And, you know, I'm getting through because of faith. I'm getting through because of of love. And I'm getting through because I stay connected to, the source the source of love and, and and the people that I love and care about.
And we're getting through this one day at a time. One day at a time. Indeed. Indeed. None of us are doing it alone either. No. We are not. And we can't do it alone. We cannot do it alone. No. It's not it's not possible.
And, Yeah. Our our our mutual friend, Liz Hill, who was a guest a a few episodes ago, who's putting together just this phenomenal book about, you know, the tales from COVID 19, about how we're all getting through this in a more powerful and in a more, you know, in a more resilient way.
And, you know, it's just really it's just incredibly powerful to me to be able to make these kind of connections, to be able to get these kind of stories out there because I, you know, I have it that these, you know, these stories are like, you know, are like water to people out in the desert. I mean, people really need to read these kind of stories and to be able to feel these kind of stories. Yeah. Absolutely.
I think that's what's so pop you know, just so powerful about your story, my story, and everybody who I've had, you know, who I've had in on this program in connection with this book. Yeah. I love I love being so so r. I mean, right on. I just love your focus. I mean and thank you for saying this that r word is resilience because that's what it's all about, getting over adversity, moving through, bouncing back. I mean, that's what it's all about. Because life is life.
We're just having life, you know? And, you gotta live life on life's terms. And, look, I'm disabled. I can't walk longer than 10 yards, but, hey, that's okay. I basically have to be tethered to, the facilities, you know, cause, it was, with some of my urology problems in my butt again, but that's okay. That's not the end of the story. The story, you know, and I, and I gave up my private practice, but that's not the end of the story.
Resilience is I continue to have this amazing life despite all of that. So, I can't do private practice right now. Not able to do that, but I do a television show on public access TV. It's called the Doctor. Milton Social Work Show, where I still get to do what I love. I get to talk about social work. I get to talk about social work issues. I get to have, put my 2¢ out there into the world. I have a YouTube channel. People can check that out if they'd like to.
It's doctor Milton LCSW, is the YouTube channel. And, I I, you know, I get to have these to do these exciting projects because there's, you know, I'm I'm on my back a lot and there's a lot I could do while on my back. You know, I got the laptop there and I'm writing away. I got a pad of paper and I'm writing away. And so I'm creating. And I think when you're the source, the source, when you're feeding your soul, when you're focused on love, then the creativity comes burgeoning out.
And that's where I'm at right now. I wanna write. I wanna create, informational pod excuse me, videos for people, through YouTube. I'm working on a chapter in this book and we just talked about there's another book project I'm working on. It's around, my dissertation, which I did in 2009.
And that book was about inherited resilience, like what black families got from our ancestors, you know, their overcoming story and how we can import that cultural wisdom and apply it today so that we have food for the soul of the young, of black youth, to give them hope, to help them realize their dreams. That's a book I've been wanting to write since 2009, and I'm now starting to, see that there's a pathway for me to do that. It's strategies to save black youth lives. I love that.
And the only other thing I wanted to say that, you know, Doctor. King said about, you know, the arc of the moral universe is long and it bends toward justice, but it doesn't bend on its own. That arc bends when we bend it and I want it to bend toward progress. I want it to bend toward a future where all of us, as Doctor. King would say, all God's children, black ones and white ones, yeah, every God's, all God's children, that we're equal.
We're equal and we have equality to live the lives that we all are entitled to live, but we have to bend the arc. And so while I, in this era of COVID, I am not going out and, exposing myself as a person with cancer and immune system, to marches and rallies, but I figured out a way to to get in with that as well. And, my wife and I, are organizing a caravan, where you can be in the comfort of your own car.
It is a Black Lives Matters, get out the vote caravan, where the 3rd of every month, we're gonna encourage people to get in their cars, just passively, safely ride around your neighborhood, put a note on your car that says, equality matters. You know, put a note on your call that says black lives matter, put a note on your card that says end oppression and racism, put a note on your card that says both, because we, we're in a climate right now where, you know, we, we, we, we need change.
We need change. We need to bend the arc of the moral universe toward progress. So the way my wife and I can do it is to get in her car and put a message on it and ride around our neighborhood. And let's see if people can see the message that, all black lives matter and we have to end racism in this country, the biggest original sin. And, and then our voice matters. It matters at the polls and it matters in general. So I wanted to also share that with your audience.
You may choose, you may choose to do it differently. And that's fine. But the point is, is our voice matters and taking a stand matters and magic doesn't bend the arc. We arc. We have to bend it. It take it it takes work. It takes elbow grease. You know, as you were saying, we're just about out of time here. But as you were saying that I got, you know, I flashed on the, on the famous quote by the late Ram Dass. We're all just walking each other home. That's right.
Yes. Thank you, Ryan. My pleasure. It's been a true privilege to, have you on the program here. How could people find you online? Yeah. They can find me at YouTube, the doctor Milton social work show. It's doctor Milton LCSW. That's the name of the channel. Okay. And you'll be able to find me there and his contact information there as well. Beautiful. And we'll, and we'll include links to all of that in the show notes below. Thank you so much. My pleasure. Barbara, it's been a true privilege.
Thank you so much for having us on today for joining us here today. And that'll just about do it for this episode of the solar powered podcast, a presentation of Royal Hearts Coaching. For more information about Royal Hearts Coaching, just visit my website at royal hearts coaching dot com. You can follow me on social media at Ryan Hall Writes on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or you can just send me a good old fashioned email [email protected].
But we thank you so much for joining us here on the solar powered podcast. Until we meet again, this is Ryan Hall saying thank you so much for listening. So long for now. I love you all, and go get solar powered right after you wash your hands and sit on a mask.