Grief's Secret Garden

The Jesuit theologian Karl Rahner wrote-- I should like to remember my dead , all those who went , who belong to me and have now left me . There are far too many to be taken in with one glance . The dear ones who were and still are close to my heart , those bound together by real love .

That's why my heart is now with them , with my loved ones who've taken a leave of me . There is no substitute for them . There are no others who can fill the vacancy when one of those whom I have really loved suddenly and unexpectedly parts and is with me no more .

In truth , no one can replace another person in that depth where he is uniquely and irreplaceably himself . Every one of the departed has taken a piece of my heart with him , and often enough of my heart with him and often enough of my whole heart . When one is truly loved , grief is ultimate and definitive .

It shows that a piece of our own heart has really died and is now living with the dead . Of what use is it to say , as the philosophers , that the dead still exist , that they live on ? Are they with me , since I love them ? Are they also with me ? They have gone away . They are silent .

Not a word comes through from them , not a single sign of their gentle loving k indness comes to warm my heart . That is the color of our grief .

Oh my soul , never forget your dead . One day, I lost my way from my garden of grief and the path seemed obscured . I tried to walk down this path and after a few steps , my feet are cut and bleeding and I slump to the ground and make myself small and tears stream down . I am lost , I am lost .

I see a far-off light , but it is oh , so dim , like a candle that is already burning itself down , and whispers and whispers are near me , speaking words I don't yet recognize . I am lost . I am lost , I am lost . Keeping me safe is my God , my rabbi and my master .

The grass , the ground is warm , beneath my body is warm and soft and I lie down now , but tears still come for all of them , my baby and my love , my mother and my father , my grandmothers and grandfathers and the long line of women , most of whom left their lives and sailed across the ocean to bring me here , to birth me here .

I cannot move from this spot on the path , and I know the path to the future is obscure . Those who love me follow me . I miss them . I long to hold them --more . I long to be held by them . Could there be something more exquisite than that warm flesh ? Lie with me here , Put your arms around me , move the hair from my eyes when you touch my face .

Lord , lead me home . Will I ever be ready to go with you ? How much I miss them .

I lost my way again later in that day , but God was still beside me . My feet were still bleeding , my throat was still dry , my eyes were still red and my heart was still broken . Yet for an instant I was able to hold my baby , who never breathed in life , in my arms . She was perfect , beautiful and pink , a rose-shaped mouth and beautiful rosy cheeks .

I smelled her head and it touched something inside of me . I kissed her lightly , wrapped her pink quilt around her , handed her back to her father , who gently kissed me on the forehead . Goodbye for now . Then the mothers of my line came and made a circle around me and murmured in prayers , --Love is all . All is love . Alpha love , omega love-- .

And God wrapped us in his golden cord of love and we disappeared into one perfect golden jewel to repose in His own heart . Amen . That concludes this

week's episode . You can find us on Apple , Spotify or Amazon . Feel free to send any questions you might have about grieving to my email in the show notes . I'll try to answer any questions you have in the future . Remember I'm always available for spiritual direction by Zoom to those who are grieving . Please reach out to me if you have this need .

Be safe , travel with God always at your side . Vaya con Dios .