My father is dying . He's dying in hospice right now , 2,000 miles away , and I wanted to share this story with you in real time , on the off chance that it gives someone solace . I've been involved in hospice work since 2010 , and I was very anxious for my father to receive hospice care as his health grew more and more fragile .
However , the family had to make a difficult decision about six months ago when his heart seemed to be failing slowly . He was 94 years old at the time and had difficulty with physical movement , and they determined that there was an oxygen deficiency as it reached his brain .
His medical team suggested he have a pacemaker implanted , but the purpose of that pacemaker would be to improve the blood flow to his brain .
Now I knew from previous experience that , even though people say it's not true , a pacemaker seems to extend the life of patients who have them , because , of course , once they're in place , no doctor is going to be willing to turn it off , as it were .
They will assure you that it doesn't interfere with the natural death , but I just don't believe it , from personal observation of patients of mine who've died with pacemakers in place . Yes , they eventually stop . But it all seems to have gone on too long and that is my experience right now , six months after my father had a pacemaker .
At the time he was beginning to show signs of dementia and during the operation and after the operation , although his oxygen levels improved and he had a healthier glow about him from more blood circulating , it did nothing to affect the inevitable decline . My father was a college professor . He taught nurses anatomy and histology . He taught undergraduates biology 101 .
He was interested in Siamese fighting fish , did his doctorate degree on genetics of those fish on genetics of those fish and was well known in the community and it gave him a lot of recognition throughout the years and a lot of pleasure . He's written books about them , given lectures and talks all over the world , studied them in Vietnam and Thailand .
But that person is not the one who sits in hospice today . The man who once weighed around 250 pounds now is down to 125 . He's bedridden most days , doesn't have the ability to recognize my sister anymore who lives nearby and visits him often . Initially I thought it was very important for me to be with him when he died , when he took his last breath .
But the last time I was called home when he had to be hospitalized , it became apparent that he was losing parts of himself , much like the iceberg breaking apart .
Parts of his mind are intact over here , floating over here , but they're not connected to other parts , and another part of the iceberg has broken off and floats over here , but it is even less connected . That part has been the most difficult for me , and I don't know what year it was , what month it was , what day it was that he stopped being my father .
I don't mean in the biological or genetic sense , I mean that father that you look up to for guidance and strength , for in many of my adult years he provided that for me when my marriage was falling apart , when I was having difficulty with my studies in law school or my studies at Santa Clara .
He always understood my quest for knowledge , as it were , and encouraged me . But now I don't know if he remembers my mother , who died nearly 30 years ago .
I don't know if he remembers anything of our family life , because in days when he likes to leave the memory care facility where he's being cared for , he likes to spend those days sitting outside the house he grew up in as a little boy . So as he loses more and more and more of himself , each loss is a new grief for me and my sisters .
His second wife , Jean , who cares for him now . The two of us tried to take care of him at home for a month earlier this year , before we made the difficult decision to put him in a facility , and the two of us were unable to do it .
And as he became more physically frail and more mentally fragmented , there was less and less an ability to reason with him , persuade him , and now he is angry and lost in his own specific memory . So I've talked to my sisters and I've told them it's no longer that important for me to be with him as he dies .
He has no religious beliefs , no specific religious beliefs , but Jean feels very specifically that there should be no religious ideas , thoughts , prayers around him . I pray for him here , but I don't think , even if I was in the room with him , that he would understand the source in those prayers .
He has a POLST , he has a DNR , but we are seeing him slowly , inexorably die . The hospice nurse tells us his vitals are strong . I'm sure they are , but all those doctors have achieved is extending the very worst part of his life . I know he would agree if he could formulate that idea and communicate it to somebody . I hate .
I hate to see him so small His stature , but I hate that his wonderful mind that I love so much , that encouraged me all my life long , has fragmented so badly . There were times when I was caring for him over the winter that he seemed to recognize this . He seemed to recognize the fragmentation and sometimes we tried to make a joke of it .
But it's not a joke anymore . It's just this wonderful man whose was distanced from us , never really relating to his girl children , the only kind he had . But when you could meet him on his own he was fascinating .
At one point in time , when my mother was dying and I had gone back and was living with them , we would take long car trips to either take her somewhere or visiting something and have wonderful conversations just about life , not about anything in particular . He never understood my conversion . I was never able to quite explain it to him .
That makes me sad too , because I know he could have and will find comfort and the end of his life with God , although he might not recognize it as such . I miss you , dad , and you're still with us . That concludes another episode . Please support us by subscribing on Spotify , Amazon Music , Apple Podcasts . We always welcome your comments and feedback .
Remember , spiritual Direction is always available through Catholic Cemeteries . I'm Candee Lucas , chaplain , aftercare coordinator and spiritual director at Catholic Cemeteries . You can reach us through the email or telephone number in the show notes . Be gentle with yourselves . Travel safely with God . Vaya con Dios .