¶ Starting a Parish Grief Group
Welcome to Solace Soul + Grief . I'm your host Candee Lucas . We at Catholic Cemeteries know that the loss of a loved one has a profound effect on our lives , and we would like to help you deepen your faith , pay attention to where God is moving in your life as you grieve , and call upon the love of God to accompany you .
Each week , we take a different text or scripture or poem or maybe an idea from the Holy Spirit and we use that idea or poem or song to help us reflect more deeply on our grief and God's place in our life and God's place next to us as we grieve . Please remember you're always welcome in our circle of healing , love and support .
Today we visit with three friends who host a parish grief group . For those of you who have never attended a faith-based grief group , we wanted to give you as much sense as possible what to expect .
Unlike regular grief support , these groups have an emphasis on spirituality while grieving , where God moves with us as we grieve , how God's love can support our individual grief journey and many soul friends together to support one another . So please listen to Kathy, Trinie and Dolores as they discuss how their ministry started and continues . Kathy speaks first .
I started in this ministry originally because my brother died when he was 47 years old and I really realized how difficult grieving was . And then I saw I was very interested in the grief process and then the priest at our church asked me if I would leave a grief group .
My name is Trinie . I started in this ministry because Kathy asked me whether I'd be interested in doing that with her , and at the time my sister was going through she had melanoma and she was getting close to the time that she wouldn't be with us anymore .
So I talked to her about it and she encouraged me to be involved , to become involved , and so that's how I told Kathy eventually that yes , I would do it .
My name is Dolores and I came into this ministry about three years ago as a leader . I joined a grief group seven years ago after my husband passed, on the encouragement of one of my friends at church and I thought , okay , I'll go and see if I like it , if I don't like it , I don't ever have to come back .
And I just found it so helpful that I kept asking for more and when there was an opportunity to step into a facilitator , I was asked to do that and it's just been a blessing being a participant and being a facilitator .
What did-- any of you can answer this question . What did you find the most difficult thing about starting a new group , this beginning process ? What was the most difficult ?
For me , the most difficult part was trusting that people would show up , that anyone would show up . It was history . Through this process I really learned to trust the Holy Spirit . The Holy Spirit brings to the group whoever is ready for it and mentioning ready for it .
We have also found that people need to have a time from the time of the death of the person to the time that they come to a group , because if they come too soon , they really can't do the sharing that is so helpful .
So we do ask them how long it's been since they've lost their loved one , and if it's been just really recently , we encourage them to wait till the next group starts to come .
For me it was really just getting to that point and I think , like Kathy , it's the guidance of the Holy Spirit that where I felt like , okay , this is something I can do , and then , just when I can help you , to start .
So again , any one of you , or all of you , can answer this what would a person experience if they came to ? The first meeting .
At the first meeting we try to introduce the program to people and tell them what we're going to be doing , have them introduce themselves to the group , depending on how the flow is . Often we wait till the second meeting to have people tell us the reason they are in the group .
We find the first meeting some people are just figuring out if they belong there and it's a pretty difficult step the first time . They tell their story for many people and they will also see the resources we're using and see if they think they belong there .
Do you open with a prayer or what does it physically look like in the room ?
We do open with a prayer and we welcome everybody first and then we open our .
We have a special space that we've used all through it's in the same one with a candle and we have our table , a special table with the crucifix , and the special candle usually goes along with the ordinary time or the colors and we do light that and hopefully take a deep breath and kind of get to where we can start , the way that we usually do .
The group originally started with using Seasons of Hope as the basics for the program , and when that was completed I was looking for something a little bit more . So Kathy found a book called "Grieving with the Help of your Catholic Faith which really touched us and it has really been a great book for people to have .
We do it lesson by lesson but we don't do the whole thing . People can take it on the book , you know you give it to the men's gift and they can read the parts that we don't do in the session . We also try to have special little ceremonies every now and again , like lighting a candle with the person's name and having them bring to our prayer table .
They seem to like that .
So , you're creating both a sacred space , a kind of a holy space for people to be in when they arrive , so that happens before they come . Do you do special things for anniversaries or birthdays or anything like that ?
We do have a photo of their loved one at one session , but we don't do . You know what I mean .
Sometimes they do share the birthdays , and you know , but yeah , so I think one of the sessions focuses on kind of the milestones , especially the first year that you go through and we do spend a lot of time talking about . As Trini said , a lot of people share those items but we don't specifically approach that the room .
Also , we try to have a quiet space where it's private . We have said everyone in a circle we have at the ending there's some fellowship opportunities that people can stay . They'll share cookies , coffee , water . We hold our sessions at local churches . There's no cost to the sessions , they're completely free .
We just ask people to see if they can make a commitment for most of the weeks before they enter into the group , and it's nine weeks .
Nine weeks the first week is just introduction , you know , for them to come and see us and for us to kind of evaluate , to make sure that they're in a good space to be able to participate in a group .
And then the second meeting is when we start the book that we use and , as they say , in interspersed we have some special ceremonies that we do with them and at the end we have a washing their hands and sending them forth kind of hand . People seem to like the program .
People are willing to share whenever they'd like to share . Everyone , I believe , always has a chance to talk , but nobody is put on the spot or asked to share . It's completely when they're ready , and we've had people who have said very little and if people talk a little too much , we just try to remind them to share the floor , to share the space .
But sometimes you know , someone has a story and they really need to tell the whole thing and we all respect that . The interaction and the opportunity to listen to other people who are grieving seems to be what provides the most consolation to everyone .
In my mind and we do have- group etiquette rules that we go over each time just to sort of remind people . Just , you know , to take turns and not . One huge thing is the confidentiality . That's huge . We go over that every time we meet . So , but there's a list of them .
Tell me more about this hand-washing ceremony . That sounds interesting .
Well , it's the last one that we do at the very end of all of our sessions . It's like , okay , in the waters of baptism you receive the Holy Spirit and water in your mother's womb . You were in water .
That's right , that's right , and now you are . You know we're washing your hands and that you may . It's hard to kind of remember the exact words , but that you may go forward and be relieved of some of your pain and suffering , that you may go out into the next part of your life .
It's representative of because it's the last session , but of course the participants in the room are all different places in their grieving .
And for different reasons too . I mean some as spouse , some as parents , some siblings , some children . We never know what we're going to have unless we know the people personally that are coming .
I'm just going to say that we don't have specifically for people who have , like , little children that isn't you know what part of our group is because those people have special needs .
But I'm just going to say we , I think , try to think about all of us together when we're doing our planning , to see , to sort of think about with this group , what would be something good for us to do . And we do very things . You know , it's not like we're , you know , constantly doing the same thing .
And we do remind the people that we are not professional psychologists or psychiatrists or anything like that . We are just people who are have suffered a loss and are willing to walk with them and companion with them as they suffer through their loss . And , like Trinie says , we have a list and we go through it , you know .
So , like what happens in San Jose stays in San Jose , but it assures the people that we're not going to-- you know , have them on five o'clock news or something like that .
If I could just interject , we really try not to give advice . That's because we're not professionals and we encourage the other participants not to give advice .
We do have a list of resources within the community that people can go to if they want individual counseling , group counseling , special counseling for children , special counseling for people who have experienced death by suicide .
So we definitely want to reach out and support everyone , but we realize our group is not for everyone and that's why it's really good for people to come the first time and have a chance to meet us and for us to meet them so that we can decide together if they're a good fit for our group .
¶ Journeying With God Through Grief
This has been the first in a series of discussions about journeying with God through grief , how that's done in the parish and small groups . There will be future discussions with these three . Look forward to these future episodes . That brings to a close another episode .
I'm Candee Lucas , your host , aftercare coordinator for Catholic Cemetery in San Jose , Chaplain and Spiritual Director . Please support us by subscribing on Apple Podcast , Google Podcast , Amazon Music or Spotify . You can contact us through the telephone number or email on the show notes . We always welcome your comments and suggestions for future episodes .
Spiritual direction is always available for those who are grieving through Catholic Cemetery . Be gentle with yourselves . Travel God, Vaya con Dios .