Starting a Business - Even When Your Family Doesn't Want You To

Post lots of funny entrepreneurship memes, on Twitter, but one of my favorite sort of sub-themes in there is how your father is this like unspoken character, um, in his memes. There will be like ones, you know, all these ones about like, you know, how his father-in-law is like, oh, like you're not making any money.

Like, why did you like quit your corporate job to make nothing like, you know, and basically just kind of ragging on him for, like, not being more successful or, kind of being an entrepreneur doing something more risky. I dunno if you've ever seen, you know, us this an American show, but like the big bang theory where Howard's mother is this character that, you know, and there's some theater name for this. So I know we have some theater fans listening, so I apologize.

I don't remember the name of it, but you'll have to tell me of a character who is only seen off stage, but is very much like a character. In these memes. And I'm just curious how you feel about that. And also like, does your dad know that he's this character in.

My. I have to admit to say also that there is a family history about creating his own business and being a founder, so it's a long story that was, uh, that began in the early my great, great grandfather. Everyone in my family was a founder, but was only men. Only men were founders. Only men were able to run a business.

And the sad story is that, my grandfather lost the business that was launched by my grand grand father and maintained by my grandfather and my grandfather didn't, manage to maintain it. And it was something of, I think, a big disappointment and certainly something about shame for my grandfather. And so my father inherited of this dynamic and when he was in his 30, he launched himself a business in the industry, but it fell.

And I, I knew my father, I have to say quite depressed this last 30, 30 years, he has now become a teacher in business creation. So yeah, he, well, I'm not completely at ease to say things about him, on the podcast. But since I feel like we are in a, casual conversation, I have to say that it's difficult for me to, deal with his, um, personal is, um, personality of, very negative and, and grumpy.

And it's never enough, or, uh, it's always, uh, be careful, you're gonna fall, be careful you're gonna fail. And when you fail and say, uh, I told you so, so it's difficult to grow with this kind of energy. And I, just got, uh, 40 years old last year, so I had to deal with, how I'm gonna finally. Be get read of this image that is putting on me and that is putting on Dagobert and on our business, because he was kept on saying that it was not gonna work, that we should stop.

And you know, when you are in the, hardest part of the journey, well, I hope it was the hardest part of the journey and, but when you are in this very, dark times, the last thing you need is someone, who's supposed to love you saying you are not gonna make it and you are not able to do this and please stop now because you are making yourself ridiculous.

So we were quite disparate, not finding the good marketing solutions and marketing was not our first talent. I would say obviously like, like many, tech developer or designer, like me, the first thing you think is not marketing, but we had to learn. So Dagobert begin to make, uh, these memes and yes, it was interesting to see that we are not alone. And Dagobert, I think discovered that he was not alone in this.

I would say male competition too, you know, because it's something about boys and men. Like it's not only my father, it's sometimes my brother, you know, when they are all together and uh, which one is making the most money, which one is the strongest and you know, I'm sorry, but I think this is kind of childish, stupid, uh, men game. And it's complicated because even if you don't want to be in the game, people will always, put you back on the ring.

Is it the good word, the ring when you go boxing

He gave us, yeah, some useful advices, some useful tips, but, one day it was very funny because, Dagobert was talking with him and he realized that the plan, the great idea of my father helping us was in the end to close the business and say goodbye. And I was like, what? , It's not the solution. Well, it's not the solution that I want. That is very interesting, but also that my father is someone. So, I would say yeah.

Interest in businesses and entrepreneurship and who is, like I said, uh, teaching entrepreneurship to students. But on the other hand, it's someone who doesn't like to take risk. He hates risk. He hates, not to know what to do. So , it's not like someone going with the flow, you know, it's, not this kind of personality for him. So that's a very paradoxical, personality, which is interesting.

It's about the variety of, uh, human, personality and it's uh, yeah, it's very good that we could laugh about this, but I'm still a little bit afraid. Like if my father watched this, so see this, or if my father listened to this podcast, hi dad. Um, no harm taken.

But now lately, it's easier with my dad. I think that now that we are making money a little bit enough to get one salary and, and it's growing and logology is growing and growing each month and it's so exciting. And, uh, they go siding and, uh, Dagobert, has so many followers and, and a rich community, with people is sharing so much, My father is slowly changing his mind about technology slowly, slowly. Is still a little bit suspicious, like, Hmm.

Maybe you'll fail at the end of the year, but you know, it's, it's a, I think, sorry, dad, but it's a dumb philosophy to think like this because yes, we'll fail obviously in something someday, like a failure is just part of living. And I think to me, with all this history family of, fails and men and patriarchy, I really don't want, I, I think I reject this philosophy because I can't see, I can't see failure. I think I can't accept it.

I think when you accept failure, you are dying a little bit. You think like you are dying a little bit and it doesn't mean you can't, take failure and say, okay, I fell on this. Okay. This failed, but it's already something part of the way. Okay. I fell on this, but let's go on something else and keep on, running and keep on, uh, you know, like you are an athlete in your head, I love I'm. I'm not good at sports, but I'm fascinated by the mental preparation of the athletes. Well, you felt okay.

You felt, but if you go on and you keep on running, well, you won't remember the fail. You would just take it, maybe do something about it, but not stay with it because when you stay with it, you can't take risk anymore. You can't be alive anymore, or you can't, you. See this. And lately recently, my father and my mom, uh, said to me, well, look at the situation with logology. Do you really think you're gonna make money with this?

Because look, last year you did this and you were wrong and we knew you were wrong and you still did the mistake. And I say, what can I say? I did a mistake. We did a mistake. Yes. We lose a lot of money. We, uh, it was very expensive and not only money because money is not the end of the world is just a part of the problem, but it was very hard on us. And what can I say, I made this mistake and I'm gonna make other mistakes in the future. I have to say to you, other mistakes will be done.

and you've got to get prepared, but I think, and I believe, logology. I know we can do something. I know it can be great. And I have to do this because otherwise, why are we living for, if we don't, you know, follow the desire and just listen to can, maybe with it won't work. Cuz it's the same with relationships you have to, uh, would say, nourish the trust and it's nourishing the desire, nourishing the trust.

Well, it doesn't mean you have to be, uh, completely, I don't know the, the world in English, but when you do, obviously dangerous thing. It's not that. But when people say, when one say listen to your heart, well, your heart is not wrong. When you listen to your heart, you know, you can trust something. There is here, there is a rock inside us.

Where you can land and you were talking about road trips and what's beautiful when you are in a car and especially United States because wow, the landscapes are so beautiful and it is so big. It's very different from Europe. There is beautiful landscape in Europe. I'm not saying, but you can drive 10 hours in not, uh, seeing anyone. So that's an experience for Europeans like me yeah, for me, it's something. And you know, it's like, you are watching the lab landscapes.

You are watching mountains and country and, and yet you are not moving. Like the car is moving, but you are not moving. You stay still. So it's like meditation in a bit, like when you meditate and you can look at what's happening when you watch a movie and things are happening and you are still, uh, sit on your chair and you know what I mean? It's like the world is always movement. The thinking is always in movement. The emotions are always in movement.

And in the same time, you are always still. You are always here ways here. Your heart is always inside of you. It's just, uh, like a gym it's not easy to do, but yeah, maybe because I'm 40 I have time to, to reflect on these and no. So you can't, um, you have to know, certainly you have to know when to stop and not to get sick of working too much because otherwise, the subject, the idea is not to forgot about yourself is about trust in your guts. So yeah, trust my guts.

And I know I will make mistakes in the future, but I refuse to see it as a failure.

And when you are cloaked in shame, you don't have a process to, uh, really process those in a healthy way. When you don't feel like you can talk about the failure and say, yep, this was a failure and I'm going on to the next thing and that's okay. You know, but socially having that shame thrust upon you and then also internally thrusting it upon you. It, it also, you know, you described him as kind of depressed, like it's isolating.

Right. And, you know, I love how, um, Brene brown says that the only feeling worse than shame is feeling alone. Um, and so often that feeling of shame leads people to feel alone, feel that they're the only ones in that situation. And then, when you have gone through a trauma, it's very normal to try to prevent anybody who love from going through that same trauma. And so he is sort of trying to protect you from that trauma, but in a way that is actually not healthy for you, right.

That it does, does not see you for you and see you for your own potential and for your business, for its own potential. And also regard your business as, a stepping stone. It's, you know, a, growth mindset in so many ways is it shows how hard that is to step into from a position of unresolved trauma. And so I think we can kind of forgive people for not being able to take on that growth mindset when, when their own trauma is unresolved and they haven't had the opportunity to resolve it.

But then I can, I can see for you, you know, curse breakers, like, I feel like you, you're kind of a generational curse breaker here. Um, and you have to have that chip on your shoulder. You really do cuz you have that vision for what you wanna do and, and that empathy for your customers. And I think that's, so important.

But it's also, you know, I think this kind of situation you're in and I think is why Dagobert's memes resonate so widely too is because this kind of thinking that why would you leave a stable corporate job? Why would you leave your stable agency job to start this business where you didn't make any money for at least a year?

Like, There's a perspective of, you know, especially in families where either there hasn't been entrepreneurship or there's a history of financial instability or not having enough money that, you know, when you get to the point of having a stable paycheck, like, that's it. You've achieved it. That's success. Why would you want anything else beyond that? Right. And, and this is a very common mindset.

And for people who are starting their own businesses, getting over that hurdle of their upbringing and what it tells them is normal and expected. And what's safe for them, whether risk is safe for them, right? Those are very common. And I think that's why, you know, his memes and, the character of your father, which, you know, I guess if your father is listening, um, hello, Mr. Barratte, um, you know, um, it's not just him as a person that's resonating, right?

It's what that character represents. And that represents that voice, whether it's in somebody's head or it is a family member, or it's their old boss or an old coworker, or a friend who's saying like, who do you think you are to make a business work? And it takes a lot of resolve and passion and vision, which all of which I see in you to say, yep. I understand that, it's totally crazy, but I'm gonna do it. And if I fail, that's just my first step. There's gonna be others.

And then people look at you and they're like, yeah. Okay, fine. Right. Like, but you gotta have that chip on your shoulder of, passion.

He wanted to, well to run the business that he inherited from his father, but also just to have a stable job, to make money for his family, that, he could protect his family, that all his children will be healthy and they will have opportunity to also have a family make =money, be happy and, you know, buy a house.

Normal life is stability, comfort, and yeah, you could do every sacrifice to go there. And sometimes I'm wondering, if my father wanted so much to run a business, maybe would have been happier to say, okay, I, I am, uh, full-time employed in this company and it's okay for me. Maybe he had to fix something from the past.

That was not his thing, but for many parents and grandparents, the image of success for us is not, taking risk, uh, making apps with no users or, uh, it's yeah, it's, um, it's another vision of the world. And I also think that my generation and the generation that is coming after my, after us, after me is not so keen about working at any cost.

Like you don't want to be in the biggest company ever, or you don't think of your career in the same company, for years, like before you want to travel, you want to experiment, you want to know who you are. You want to find yourself. And I think all the thing that we are talking about, uh, self development and, uh, wellness is something that. My generation and the people younger are feeling deeply and we are not ready to make the same sacrifices that our parents made and our grandparents before.

And that's just, that does us personally, we've had other traumas that we've gone through, um, in terms of, you know, recession and, financial crisis. I know that I mean, that really held me back going full time. Like, I mean, I was in my first week of college and I remember just, everybody I say, running around just, kind of like chickens with our heads cut off because everybody's college fund was gone. Right. And that's a very American experience of that.

My husband, who was in Denmark, who was paid to go to college, like it was free, you know? I mean, he, wasn't really aware of it versus for us, you know, I mean, our parents had saved for, you know, 18, 20 years for us to go to college. And then all of a sudden the money is just gone. And you know, people's parents losing jobs and while we were in school and like not knowing if you could come back the next semester, right.

And that very much influenced my own perspective on starting my own business because I was like, I ha you know, this is great. You know, I have a great, like full-time job that I love and we have this side business that's allowed me to pay down my debt again, very American perspective here. Like, I, I remember like getting to pay down all of my student loans, right? With money from geo geocodio that gave me the extra money to do that in the early days. And that was so liberating.

But then it got to a point where it's like, well, I don't need anything beyond that. Paying off my student loans early, that's a huge mark of success, right? Cuz many people are paying student loans, their whole life for both, for themselves and for their children. And so it was really hard for me to wrap my head around, well, why would I do something else? And then eventually the business just got to a point where we had to go full time on it, in order to keep it going.

But I think we all carry these sort of, you know, we have individual traumas right. In our own lives, but then there's also sort of there's generational traumas. There's there's social traumas that we carry that impact how we think about running our own businesses and, whether we are ready to do that.

And whether that's a risk that we want to take in our own lives and how we react to kind of failure and, instability, I feel like it's something we don't really talk about enough as an entrepreneur community. You know, you kind of hear people make snippy comments about how, you know, entrepreneurs who get a ton of venture capital, like they're often from wealthy families because if they fail, it doesn't matter. Right. But I think there's something. First of all.

I think there's something to that. The fact that knowing that if you fail you're, not gonna fall through the floor, right? There's gonna be something that catches you. But I also think we need to talk more about that, um, that feeling, that people, that face from their own families or their communities, that entrepreneurship isn't something for them.

And that just choosing the stable option is the most responsible thing, which is, I think something I felt as a parent, I felt like it was the most responsible thing to keep running the business as a side business, even though it would've, I, I wrestled with this quite a bit, actually. It was whether I was like, well, I feel like it's the most responsible thing for me to work full time and do a side business, but I know it would make me happier to run a business.

And, but I feel like it's the best thing for my family, for me to keep having a job and I remember a friend saying to me, like, you know, if you are happier, like you'll be a better parent. You'll be a better spouse. You'll be a happier person. That's worth something. And, you know, and then someone else was like, ever since I met you, you've wanted to run a business. And now you have the chance, like why, why , why are you even, you know, considering this, right.

But like, we have those, the things that we carry, right.

And I know this is a very anxious feeling for a lot of people and we can't respond to it everyone in the same way, like some will say, okay, so maybe we'll die in 10 years, so let's do whatever we want and others will say, okay, I wanna protect what I've got. I wanna protect my family first. And I'm not saying when you are an entrepreneur, you can protect your family. Obviously you are, I'm sure you're protecting your kids and doing your job.

As an entrepreneur is something I, I agree with your, friends is something better, because you're happier. So it's good for the children, but it's a complicated question.

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