Zero Vs Zero w/ Jason Mantzoukas| Lisa Lampanelli |Brendan Jennings

Okay, so do it.

Intro.

So I'm Leanne. Yeah, this is my best friend Janet and we have well we've been joined at the hips since high school, absolutely, and then now a redacted amount of years later, we're still joined.

At the hips.

A little bit bigger, hips, wider girdle. It does widen down't it?

It widens with age?

Sure does.

So. Anyway, our kids have to do everything together because Leanne and I only want to be together, including the white hot hell that is youth soccer.

These games are not pretty, right, Let's be honest.

We're entertaining.

No, they're not. There really isn't much applause because these games.

Are so g there's nothing to cheer.

This ties.

It's just a tie.

We're sharing for their self esteem at this point.

So we thought podcast, right, this is soccer mobs.

We let's stay together.

Ready one, This is soccer mom.

This is a podcast. We're recording it as we tailgate our youth soccer games in the back of my Honda Odyssey.

With all the snacks and drink sidebar.

Why did you get hard seltzer instead of beer? But it hit a bogo, Well then you got it.

Yeah, and we even have a travel crock pot hooked up in the cigarette lighter.

Here the case. It is almost melted.

Yeah, it's going to be good when it gets hot. Okay, and I even brought healthy stuff for dipping, so or and I have not healthy stuff too. Make the best of a bad situation.

Okay, my husband just left me a voice memo. What wasn't this he learned voice memos. They're not voicemails or like memos. Oh no, okay, listen to this.

So how come everyone can't play with them? It's always the Yankees? Up? Hey, sweetheart, it's me.

I'm not going to make the game today.

I got to send a little bit of trouble with my poor handwriting. Turns out one of my fellows demoed the bedroom when you're supposed to demo the bathroom. You know how I am with my a's in my east, so kind of up creak here with a bathroom shaped paddle.

And I'm not going to make the game.

If you could just videotape if anything fun happens, I know that's impossible, but uh say sorry.

Did the kittle for me?

And uh, you know I love you.

I'm going to make it up to you. Saturday's yours.

Whatever you want, as long as it's not a museum, all right, love you bike who Demo's the wrong room.

But I'm gonna be honest, I kind of prefer now spouses of these games.

This is our time.

So first, so I want to say, Janet is the queen of that. She is the queen of making the best of a bad situation than you. I tell you one time we were at the DMV and she turned it into a karaoke bar with just her iPhone, no follow up questions, just know it was glorious.

But you really do.

That's one of the things I love about you. Like, okay, like right now, what is one thing that's keeping you going? Like, what is one thing that's keeping you from dipping into your dogs expired painkillers?

You know?

Just yeah, you know what's keeping you going?

Yeah?

Okay, So this.

Would be our first segment, the very first segment, our first segment.

What's keeping you from taking your dogs expired painkillers? And by the way, if they're expired, it doesn't mean they don't work. It just means you have to take two.

That's that's a tip for life. That's a tip and technique. Yeah, you know that my dog hads annex for real and it was like humans but it's.

Human senx and you go to It's funny because you go to Walgreens and you're like, I have to pick up my and it says like the dog's name.

They're like patient name, and you're like, baloney.

Her dog name is boloney? Is that funny?

Date of birth?

My dog is like, I don't know. We found her in a gutter. What's keeping you from dipping into the gap all panting?

Oh?

Gab a pen? May I say a simple blt in a cold pop?

Jesus?

Does that work?

Doesn't that sound good? Even when it's cold out, I'll have a cold pop, especially if I'm hungover, And sometimes I'll get real nasty with a diet coke with with lime when I'm hungover. You're kidding, like, but but it's a real squeeze lime. It's not the kind that's already in there.

Oh see, I thought that's what you meant, and I was going to slap you in your mouth. But you're saying, you get a diet coke, you put a lime in it. I'll give you that.

Now.

I will say you are drinking a diet coke with a lime in it right now. So if I shall distill what that means.

Big shocker.

Here's why I like a BLT recipes in the name.

But you can't get wild with it and add things like you know you can have like.

Avocado or chadar or whatever.

No, that's clown.

Where do you stand on toasting the bread or not you toast?

Yeah, yeah, you gotta toast it.

But I kind of only have toasted because if it gets too crunchy's the top of my roof of mine.

I understand.

I think lunch is the best meal of the day, and you think breakfast and dinner is the best meal of the day.

So you know, when you're with us, we're together, you know every meal is going to be great.

It's going to be great.

We got to I will say. I think lunch is the best word to say. It's way more the most evocative of all.

Yeah, dinner, you're always like you feel a little childish if you say supper.

Supper makes me feel poor. I think it is. Growing up, we always had supper.

But I think it might be actually uppity, like in England. I think they're like supper. Would you care to sup, what about you? What's keeping you from dipping into your dog's expired meds.

When everybody goes to sleep. I've been watching The Tutors, The Tutors. So The Tutors is a show and it's this really raunchy drama on Showtime about the Tutors, which I guess is Henry the Eighth. I don't know what the bloodline is speaking of, and they sup a lot, but what they sup is each other's bodies. Henry Cavill's in it, and uh, I just find him worth getting up in the morning for, I really do. And he seems very dumb. He seems like a dim man, and I like that.

Yeah, that's good, that's easy.

So I have been watching that. And the thing is Don doesn't know that we have showtime because I hook it up to our Amazon.

Oh that's fantastic, So.

He doesn't know. You gotta have secrets, gotta have secrets. And your Marrigor used.

To always give us that bs about how like this is your best friend in the whole world.

First all, you're my best friend of the whole world.

I Don.

I would never tell Don anything half the things I tell you.

But where did that come from that. You have to divulge every little secret. If you don't know everything about each other, then you don't have a good marriage. I think secrets are will make a good marriage because the things I'm keeping secret, they're not.

No, I'm not be bezzling or I'm not like you know, I'm not having sex with anyone. First of all, who has a time?

Yeah, like my discover card. He doesn't even know I have a Discover card?

What, Yeah, you have a secret credit card? So what do you use to discover? I imagine what is discover?

I feel like that's everywhere secrets, credit card discovers, like, we.

Know that should be their tagline, discover.

We know, we know.

It's all a pretty clandestine.

Oh that you're still doing the word today? Yeah, oh that was good.

You know what today? Today was glossilealia? Yesterday was clandestine?

What is glossialalia?

Speaking in tongues? I think like in church?

Ooh, I love that.

That's a good one.

I feel like that's also what a rich person would name their daughter.

I feel like, because there's so much dementia in my family, the word today thing is is that's keeping you? Keeping me?

Yeah?

So what's keeping you sharp, I'll tell you what's keeping me sharp.

Yeah.

I do five minutes of exercise in the morning and five minutes before I.

Go to bed. Wow, what do you do?

I do a zoom but for five minutes, and then at night I do five minutes of stretching. But it's one stretch, one very long stretch.

That's awesome.

I know, that's what makes you have that beautiful body. I'm shaped like a rectangle. You gotta keep that noodle soup shaped like a rectangle. You're a lasagna noodle. What's your discover card?

You know?

After my dad died, my mom moved into the you know, the apartment above the garage, and I didn't tell Don for two months and he didn't know, and he didn't know and the only and then he figured it out because she was using the tanning bed up there and so our electric bill tripled.

And then he.

Figured it out. So can I tell you what I did? Yeah, I turned it on him. I was like, you're an idiot. You had someone living in this house, you know, on our property for two months and you didn't know. I don't feel safe with you.

Yeah, and she's so loud.

Your mom is so allowed.

How she has a heavy foot, Yeah, yeah she does.

But he's always gone. I mean he's he's up so early when he comes out, and he's so tired.

I know, so, you know whatever, God bless him. And people are like, oh, you're worried that Don's gonna listen to this? Are you kidding me? The guy just figured out voice memos. If it's not on Bill Bass's fishing channel or whatever it is, he's not listening to this.

Larry doesn't know I have a housekeeper.

You've had her for years. I know he doesn't know.

He thinks you keep a clean house.

Yeah, the one, the one or two times that he's caught her. I said it was a gift for me.

Yeah.

He He also thinks I have no elevens in my forehead?

Is that what they're called elevens? The scowl lines.

Oh he doesn't know. You get both talk.

No, I would not want him thinking I spend money on it. I think you know he would give me so much.

You think he knows.

I think everyone knows.

You think everyone.

I think your forehead looks like sarad Red.

Oh thank you, you look beautiful, thank you.

Well, it's halftime they're walking off the field. There's coach.

Oh, there's coach talker.

Oh okay, so really no, no, wait, start waving there, start waving DoD, Hey, DoD, No wave more.

He's going.

So it's zero zero again right at this game.

Also, you shouldn't be able to go any other Hi.

Coach, Hi, hey go how are you?

I I'm sorry if I was waving too much?

I oh no, it was pretty clear you both were waving pretty hard. Yeah, you know, it seemed honestly, I was concerned. I felt for a moment like we might have an emergency situation.

Yeah.

No, you know, I get animated it.

Also, I'm just now noticing microphones in here.

So you're like the perfect person to be on our program.

Yeah no, I'd love to. I'd love to. I'd love to talk to you guys.

We asked you a few questions.

Think it would be good.

I think it would mean a lot, you know, to you know, to the community, to hear a little bit more about you know, big coach greco You know absolutely as what are you? Are you a mister coach.

Todd or todd Is you can call it Janet, you can call me Todd. Absolutely Okay, I'd love it. I'd love an opportunity to introduce myself to I can only do so much when I'm on the sidelines with the parents. But you know, not all the parents can be here all the time. Sure, especially a lot of the fathers are missing quite a lot, I'm noticing.

I know that's a blessing. So anyway, we both pay for white Pages premium and we did okay, we did google you, and we couldn't find much about you. So why are you divorced?

I mean you you really wait for it, missus Riccio, you can call me, Okay, okay, you know, I just want to make sure everybody in town knows. You know, I'm here with the utmost of respect for the for the program and the parents and the children in the associate.

Great, what happened to you?

Is all your marriage?

Oh? You know, it's interesting. You know, I'd rather not get in it. We just have a few more minutes before I got to go back to the game, so I'm not sure if I can just launch into the well we call it halftime. You know, some things they just don't work out, and uh, you know then this my marriage was an unfortunately one of those things. You know,

That's amazing. What a beautiful, honestly, tad, what a beautiful way of looking at because sometimes I will just be like, you know, these kids never cease to surprise me at the levels of their selfishness.

I know.

And when I think like my kid wrecks me, I think about like when he was born and how I had to get a couple extra stitches and stuff like that. But you're talking about emotionally.

She had a nine pounder that shredded her entire base.

And you know how sometimes wow, it was.

Oh no, you don't need to get your phone out. You don't need I don't need to I don't need to see no, no, no no. In a way, missus richie.

Oh oh oh yes see that's briefings crazy, so not only for the breach, and then they got it unbreached, and then it breached again as it is coming out.

No no, no, no, no no, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that.

Oh yeah, that's yeah right, that's a mid canal flip flop.

Oh my, oh my god, that is yeah wow what that is beautiful? That right, there is something something beautiful, you know. And and I apologize. I didn't mean to react so uh oh, I just wasn't prepared. Get yeah, I just was shocked.

Maybe it shouldn't be my background on my phone. I don't know, but it was an important day in my life. Now, why don't you have children?

Have you been talking to my mother? My marriage unfortunately ended before we got to that stage, and.

You know, that's a heartbreaker.

It was so sorry what happened.

You know, we're we're still negotiating some things. I still have a private investigator that I've hired. I've still there stuff ongoing.

Okay, okay, well tbd, but get back.

My cousin Bambam has done some of that private investigating too. So if you ever need someone you can get fam a call.

Yeah, he's got like four or five Italian names. He's named after the the Ninja turtle.

Yeah, oh yeah, Raphael or Leonardo.

In Donatello and yeah and Shredder. But what got you in to soccer? I gotta be honest with you. I mean there's no score. I mean, it's a it's an interesting sport. It's a very European sport. Yeah, Tonny, I.

Really I really don't know how you where you land on the soccer versus football thing, but you do got to admit it makes more sense to call it football because there's no other sport. I mean, they're using their feet yet. American football I think should be called tackle ball.

Okay, you know this is like you know, I was saying to you last week, you're so funny. You're so funny like that. You just have such a unique look at the world, such a unique point of view on the world, which is just frankly dynamite.

Yeah.

It's such a great you such a great way to be.

Oh Todd, Well, now I'm gonna blush and be careful.

Because tackleball, that's funny. Call it tackle ball, like that's from that's from like stand up comedy. That's like Ellen Degener is funny. I don't know, but I'll tell you what.

The way you respond every time our team scores on our own goal, I'm grateful for the way you respond in those moments. A lot of times, the only scores that happen in any of these games are us accidentally score nine our own goal.

Sometimes you've got what we call in the game goal.

Goggles, okay, And what happens is.

Sometimes you get a look at that goal and regardless if it's yours or theirs, you know you can put the ball in it, so you do. What's hard is when you've got goal goggles, even though you might know that's my goal, you still can't help but just take that shot and bury it in the net.

Oh wow, I would love to circle back. When were you guys it out last week?

Oh?

I just ran into himage you Alasco and we talked.

We signed.

I didn't realize we must have talked for an hour.

Standing in front of the Little Starbuck.

Kya mentioned that I know, well, we were comparing tattoo. We were comparing yeah, and he was.

He was a marine biology miner.

You could minor in that it seems like something that will take up more of your time than Yes, I.

Would have majored in it, but I was studying in a landlocked state and so it didn't make sense.

Oh that's right.

So I just shifted it to a miner. And this is why I loved your tattoo. And you said you didn't even know this. Dolphins can see your soul.

Oh that makes me feel so vulnerable. If you were to look at me with no clothes on, okay, your gaze would only go skin deep, right, you would only share as much as my skin allows.

Sure. Here's what I'll say to that, Janet, is I think for a lot of men, all they're looking at is the skin.

Oh yeah, that's it.

I'm looking for your soul like a dolphin. I'm looking for your soul. So I'll be the guy looking in your eyes.

Wow, you've seen me naked. I'm a I'm a perfect rectangle. Janet got that dolphin tattoo on her belly button so she could get She had her belly button piers so it looked like it was jumping through there.

You just have a handful of almonds, Are those just like?

Yeah?

Good?

Oh? Wow?

Oh?

Yeah, I've just got loose nuts in my pocket.

Oh that's a healthy snack I got, you.

Know, I pop a couple of nuts. It's a protein boost.

I always forget about nuts.

Yeah, no, I'll be honest. A lot of women do.

It looks like you're getting a call on your watch.

Yeah, you know what. That's that's I gotta go. That's that's that's the ref. That's the ref calling me. Okay, so this has been just a delight. Thank you Janet so much, and missus Ritchie.

I really think you've just started the gay.

Sorry anyway, that has been great.

Just okay, okay, okay, all right, seas look at him, run look at him. He's like a gazelle.

He seems good. He seems like a good coach.

I do think he is a good role model.

I do think he might have killed his wife.

Oh let's do another segment. It is the reverse of our other segment. Ooh perfect, okay, yeah, So what is making you take the dogs expired painkillers?

Can I be honest about something?

You have the floor?

Becoming a mother puts you in a position where you have to end up on playdates.

Here we go.

When your kids have a playdate. It feels like you're stuck on a date you don't want to be on with the other parents, And why is it that so many of our kids' parents suck? And I'm trying to build into my son's self esteem and find him his choices and say like, oh, okay, you want to hang out with Emma, you want to be at the other Emma's birthday party, you want to be at Emma four's.

And that's a real Lessoname Emma four. That actually is like f O R eyes.

Like four, I end up having one too many because I end up kicking back, like I'm drinking wine in the middle of the day because I have to be around Connie Saint Regis on this play date and the kids are having fun and they're having a nice time, and I've reached that point of like social burnout. She won't shut up, she won't shut up, she doesn't listen, she talks at you. Ye, Connie Saint Regis makes me want ketamine. I just want a horse tranquilizer so that my eyes.

Will half close.

I'll just keep nodding when I'm around her until our kids are done playing and I can get the hell out of her. What about you?

Like?

What's making you want to take your dog's expired painkillers?

I'm going to say the tutors Okay, yeah, the acting is very bad. It doesn't really get verywhere.

Whatever you're saying, you're wrong, and don't record me. I want to be on your stupid radio program.

How did you get here?

I took the airport shuttle. How you think you got.

An airport shuttle to drop you off here? You were at the airport today?

Oh?

I got on at the Hampton end over, the nice one by the house.

There's a life hack for you tree.

Then when he was passing by here, I pretended I was gonna puke, so we let me off.

I can burpunk command. It makes me real.

Com Mom, Oh my god, mo mo?

Mom?

No, no, no, no, no mom.

How's the game? How's my little grandson doing?

Oh my god, my you missed it? Scott scored a hat trick?

Mom?

Really, of course not.

The game is zero zero per usual.

Anyway, Janet, my god, you look beautiful. That's what I have to say.

Thank you. I got micro needling. Do you know about micronadling?

You do?

Of course, I know everything.

How do you know about micro needling.

Mom, I'm interested in things.

Mickey, be honest, if you ever had any work done?

Of course not.

I'm naturally like this and everyone's jealous. But my daughter can't imagine you do have.

A bang and buy.

I know it's so frustrating Mickey the body, but she doesn't do anything.

I don't know. You eat whatever you want?

Seeking a witch? Is that case? Oh?

Yeah, this is case. So you want something, you can put the veggies in it.

You be chips, Mom, don't put your fingers in it.

Is there meat in this thing?

No, it's regular.

I'm trying to up my dairy.

My dairy needs to be higher because if you eat high dairy, you will not have osteoporosis. And I don't need to get old before my time. Speaking of old, do you have any old babe?

Yes?

I do, Mom, it's in my spice rag. Then I keep in the trunk.

Why I am even talking to you, Janet, listen to me. My friend got me this generic valume in Tulum. I brought you a mom.

This is what I think. It's it's a very nice with a nice whiskey. It's a cute pairing.

I think, Oh, Mom, you can't be giving away pills from Mexico out a soccer field. Okay, put that away.

I'll take it, Janet, Janet, I'm talking only to you at this point. If you don't want to get fancy, use a gym beam early times, maybe something like that.

I've got some not go off ambient if you want some.

Oh, I'll take knockoff ambien. Yes, yes, yes, hormones. But you'll be years, maybe decades before you need those all things if I.

Don't take them. Dark skin mustache right here, not just days. Get that.

I've got a lot to look forward to. Skin is weird. I know, skin is so weird.

Hold on, I will take this volume, though, I'm gonna save this for my birthday month.

Well, it doesn't make your birthday fun. I know you hate your birthday, my birthday. She hates her birthday.

I'll come to your birthday weekend.

No mom, no, no, no, because we're going to the hotspurit. We are doing hot You hate hot spring, you hate you hate the heat?

Do I hate the heat? Yes? Are we sure? Yes? You do? Okay, I hate the heat, but this sounds fun.

You keep the thermostat at sixty two.

We'll FaceTime you from the Hot Springs if you don't mind talking to as well. We're absolutely hamboned, hammered.

That's why that's the only way I could tolerate my daughter. Oh my god, you know what I did for my birthday?

Speaking of me? Nothing every year? Nothing?

You know why I couldn't go anywhere. I had no freedom. I was, I was shackled. Someone's always sucking at my teeth.

What?

Oh wow, you did breastfeed.

Any of us?

Talking about your father. Speaking of teats, Janet, did you get yours done? No?

In fact, I did not get them done. But they're sort of like hoisted up right now?

It look good?

Yeah, well, this is my daughter's bathing suit. It's laundry day. I just put jeans on over this one piece.

You're wearing Ashley's bathing suit.

It's a bathing suit.

It is brilliant. Look at that.

It looks like a bodise as they say in Mary Old England in the Crown. That's a kind of fashion sense. This leanne never had you, Janet, you're what the kid it's call nailing it tall?

Well, God bless, I will say no, I will that is fair. I don't I do not know how to dress. Well, I never did. Like right now, I'm wearing things that I got for free or that I bought at Walgreens. I went into my pseudo fed and then I seen these leggings and they were like a bogo or whatever. I got six pairs and they got me all through COVID got a level.

Are they nice?

I've always said your legs are a bit thick for the leggings.

Janet listen. Okay, you know how most parents mark their kids height on a doorframe.

Oh, here, she goes.

My mom did that, but with my weight. So somewhere in like each Jefferson Park, there's a two flat with writing on a kitchen wall that says Leanne aged nine ninety eight pounds, and then in parentheses it just says.

Yikes, it's too big for a nine year old.

I was five six at the time.

Mom, I think it's genetic.

Your father had cankles, and yours just moved up to your knees.

I mean.

I miss him.

I miss him every day.

I do.

I actually don't have nice knees, I really do. I have a thick knee. I have a thicker knee. But you know what, you go on and on about all this moth. And you're lucky that I have any semblance of confidence.

Luck.

You are lucky that I have any semblance of confidence because of how you and more no, and I know that that is no. You are taking no. You are taking no.

You are taking no. You are taking your lucky.

No.

You are lucky that you're lucky that I am upright and walking around.

Why am I lucky? Oh, you're lucky. I'm not a drug addict. You you are not an alcoholic. You are I'm not a killer. I have to go Rogers hair, Rogers.

Yere you go.

Driver.

Oh, it's the airport shuttle.

Oh okay, okay, on his way back.

I love you, Mom, I love you.

Okay, bye you later.

Okay, love you bye, see what love you?

Love you, love you so much.

Okay for driving, Okay, I love you.

Bye.

Oh.

I love her.

She loves you so much.

I got another voice, Mama from don Yes, I have another one here.

Let's listen, ay, sweetheart. I had a couple of minutes of downtime here at work.

One of the am tractor trailers got stuck in the mud, and there's fifteen idiots.

Trying to drag it out.

Also, Uh, the guys are taking one kid. You know, he's got that metal plate in his head. Yeah, we're pulling them up in the metallic crane.

It's there.

He's crying. I think he's good at business pants.

But anyway, something hit me and I just wanted to give a quick call to you now that everyone's distracted and say I'm real sorry I wasn't at the game, and I wish I was at the game, because man, it hit me pretty hard, like a ton of bricks. Don't tell one hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't get to go to the game, you know, because I mean, Scott and Bowl are still at an age where they're so excited when something good happens that they turn around to see if we're looking, you know

What I want to say is it does not go in.

Note that you were there, and I am grateful for you being there. Be in the eyes that he turns around and sees when he's all excited and stuff. So that's all I wanted to say.

I love you, You are appreciated.

And uh oh oh, someone turned the crane off.

It's a fall, not a bad one, but it's bad enough. I gotta go, Oh, that got me.

That's sweet, that's true.

Yeah, I wonder what he wants.

Soccer Moms is an improvised podcast created by Kittie Rich and Holly Laurent. It's produced by Noah Avior and Hans Sani, edited by Hannah Parsons, and original music composed by Julie Nichols.

Soccer Moms is a

Production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio Podcasts.