Telling My Story Can Help Someone Else with Kelly Belew

Intro
Hi friend, this is Alex McRobs, founder of "The Mindful Life Practice" and you're listening to the "Sober Yoga Girl" podcast. I'm a Canadian who moved across the world at age 23 and I never went back. I got sober in 2019 and I realized that there was no one talking about sobriety in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, so I started doing it. I now live in Bali, Indonesia, and full-time run my community, "The Mindful Life Practice". I host online sober yoga challenges, yoga teacher trainings, and I work one on one with others, helping them break up with booze for good. In this podcast, I sit down with others in the sobriety and mental health space from all walks of life and hear their stories so that I can help you on your journey. You're not alone and a sober life can be fun and fulfilling. Let me show you how.

Alex
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Sober Yoga Girl". I am your host, Alex Mcrobs. And before we get into this episode, I just wanted to share a quick thing, which is that I started a free new "Sober Curious Facebook Support Group". So if anyone is looking for community, resources, check it out. You can find it at "Sober Curious Yoga Free Support Group" or DM me on Instagram. Email me if you would love to join. And today I am super excited because we have a guest here with us. And I actually had the privilege of speaking at her sober community a few weeks ago when I was in quarantine, which was amazing. So Kelly is with me, and she is the creator of the "East Coast Sober Squad", which is a North American-based community. It's a women's only community, right? Is it for women?

Kelly
Yes.

Alex
That's so cool. So tell us a bit about that.

Kelly
Well, first, thank you for having me. Excited to be here. You know, once I got a little over a year into sobriety, I kind of started to feel a little complacent in my journey, I guess, and kind of, you know, I felt really comfortable with being sober and living a sober life, but I knew that that's not where I wanted to leave it. I kind of felt like, you know, I needed to do something else to keep my mind focused on sobriety because I just think that complacency within that realm is probably a bad thing. So, you know, I started to explore ways that I could give back or something that I could do, and just like pretty much everything in my sober life, I feel like if I think about something and I want it badly enough, I just don't do it. Even though I might not know exactly how to do it, I'll just jump kind of headfirst. One day, I was on Instagram, and I basically was like, okay, I had a few women who were interested. They were on the East Coast at that point in time. And so that's kind of where the name came from. And the idea originally was to have a group of people who were-- we were in the middle of the pandemic the first year. And I wanted to just create something because, you know, at that time, we were thinking, okay, the pandemic will be beyond this at a certain point, and people want to get together you know, in person to meet other sober people. So let's form something here for people on the East Coast. So we'd be kind of geographically close to one another and maybe we could all meet up or something. So I kind of just started it like, you know, posting a slide on my story, like, you know, if you have interest on, you know, in being in this women's group for sober women, just let me know. And it started small. And, you know, as I said, I was just kind of taking it, like one thing at a time, not really knowing where I was going. And so I planned my first meeting, which, you know, it was really small, but it was really nice just to talk with people who understood. We had a big group chat on Instagram, which is kind of how we kept in contact throughout the day. And anyway, as time went on, you know people were reaching out, asking, do you have to be on the East Coast to join? And, you know, the more I got that question, I mean, I would get them sporadically. And then the more people who would ask, I was like, okay, I'll let you in, even though you're not on the East Coast, no big deal. I'm not going to say no to someone. And finally, it just got to the point where I was like, we just need to open this up to everyone. We're just going to leave the name the same for now, unless something else, like, hits me that I love. And up to now, nothing has. So we grew and we continue to grow. And to the point where we outgrew an Instagram group chat. I think you could have like 30 some people in a group chat on Instagram. And so, you know, we moved a couple of times, and we eventually landed on Slack, which is where we are currently. So, you know, people can reach out anytime. 24/7.People are all over the place. So people are in different time zones. Generally, you know, you're going to have somebody respond to you. We have now instead of just me doing like, one meeting every week or every other week as a single mom, it's kind of hard for me to do tons of meetings on my own. So, you know, now, with the Slack group being, I think we're about 300 members now, and not all of them are active, of course, but, you know, we've got a very solid core group. So now we've got volunteers who take time out of their schedules to do meetings on different nights. So most nights of the week or days of the week, we have at least one meeting. We've got a channel within Slack where if somebody wants to call their own meeting like they need to talk to someone, they just go in and they schedule it with whoever might be available. We do a book club, we do speakers as you know. We had you as a guest but just what we've done up until now and probably for the foreseeable future, I've just tried to bring in women, mostly from the Instagram community, just because that's where kind of everyone found East Coast, their response. So I know everyone has access there. So for our speakers, you know, I'm looking for sober women who are making a difference, who are making an impact. And usually, I'll just ask for feedback from the group like who do you guys want to talk to? Who do you guys want to hear from? I'll ask anybody. I don't care. I mean, I'll send Glennon Doyle a message, whatever.

Alex
That's amazing.

Kelly
I'll send anybody a message. And you know, a lot of people have been just like you, very generous with their time and coming in and talking to us. And yeah, it's just been amazing. We've got our Instagram channel now and members who post on different days. So I'm not having to do all of that, just people really stepping up and, you know, all in the name of one common thread, which is sobriety. But we've all found a lot of common bonds within that group, so it's been really a beautiful thing to watch.

Alex
That's incredible. And you know what I liked about it? When I came on to be a guest? It reminded me of the Mindful Life Practice in the sense that sometimes you get on these sober communities. Like, I tried another sober community, and they were like 200 people on the Zoom call. And, you know, I left after a couple of minutes because I was like, this is just not for me. And that is actually what I liked about your communities. Even though it's so big, it still felt, like, really intimate and really small and really comfortable. It just felt like a casual, welcoming space, and everyone felt safe to, you know, unmute themselves and ask me questions. And it wasn't like this big kind of, like, intimidating crowd. And I think that that is something really important that a lot of these communities kind of miss the mark on is like, well, it's not missing the mark. It's something for everyone, you know. Some people prefer the anonymity of that giant sea, but for me, it's always been about, like, connection and community. And I love that you seem to be providing that, even though you're getting bigger and bigger.

Kelly
Yeah, it's been really nice. And I think you're right. The comfort level for people in a smaller group, especially if they're on the Slack group and they're active within the chat forums. You get to know people even though you're not necessarily hearing their voices. You know, we talk. We have conversations on Slack throughout the day, every day, and you kind of start to feel like, you know, these are my friends. These are people who I'm just meeting up with to talk to. And when the meetings are like 15, 20 people, you can easily do that, and you recognize everyone's face. And then for people who aren't comfortable, you know, we don't tell you you have to put your camera on or that you have to say something. You can come to listen. So I think that's a big hurdle for people to get over is like the first meeting and getting on the Zoom and actually just being there. I think for some people, it's intimidating. But, yeah, I feel like the size of the groups is definitely making an impact, and people feel heard and they feel like they can talk about whatever.

Alex
So tell me a bit about you. First of all, how long have you been sober?

Kelly
Well, I got sober on July 28, 2019.

Alex
Okay.

Kelly
So it's been about two and a half years.

Alex
Amazing.

Kelly
You're close. I think we have close dates.

Alex
We do. I'm April 13th.

Kelly
Okay. Yeah.

Alex
It's really nice.

Kelly
So, I mean, it's in the grand scheme of things, you know I'm like, okay, I'm 45 years old. Like, two and a half years doesn't sound like a lot. But when I think about how much time I spent drinking, two and a half years of not drinking is a long time for someone who had the tendencies that I had and the problems that I had. So, yeah, it feels great. Best decision I've ever made, for sure.

Alex
And so tell me a bit about your life before quitting drinking?

Kelly
It started out, I think, pretty normal as far as being introduced to alcohol. And, you know, in high school, my parents didn't drink. Still don't drink. So I wasn't around it at home. But, you know, eventually, in high school, you get introduced to it. And for me, it was kind of like, I can't tell you that I remember exactly the first time that I drink, but I do know that when I did drink, even then, I always wanted more. I didn't want the party to stop. I just wanted to keep going. You know, I was always the one who would, you know, be doing something crazy. The one whose parents, you know, people's parents were like, oh, we don't want that girl over here you know, that kind of thing. Because I just had that, I don't know, that I didn't have a stop button or an off button. And so, you know, it started there. And then, of course, in College, where you know, you feel like everybody drinks. And so nothing seemed abnormal to me. But looking back on it now, I mean, I was blacking out even then. I was doing a lot of things that were completely against my moral compass, the way that I was raised, the values that I held. You know, I was doing a lot of things that I definitely wouldn't have done sober. You know, just engaging in a lot of really stupid activities and, you know, just regrettable things that you wake up and be like, oh, my gosh, just embarrassed or ashamed. But I didn't think of it like that. You know, it would kind of go through my brain and then onto the next party or onto the next bar or whatever. And I think just the College environment sort of lends itself to people who have a problem kind of disappearing anyway. It doesn't really make a blip on the radar. So, you know, I did well in College. I think that was another thing that probably, you know, a lot of people didn't maybe think it was a problem because I got really good grades. I got a great job out of College, with a successful company. I still work there. And from the outside, I think a lot of things just look like normal, you know. Other than my drinking habits, which some people would witness and some people wouldn't. And I think just, you know, happy hours from work. You know, you'd go to happy hour with people from work, and most people would leave after a couple, and I'd be the one who was there until close with all the shady people who are hanging out at the bar until close. And then maybe I was going somewhere else and getting into things that-- nothing good happens after the bar closes. It's just probably even before that. So there are just a lot of warning signs that I can see now that I didn't see then. And of course, you're hanging around people who have the same behaviors as you. No one's calling you out on it because it's normal. You know, I had issues with arrests. I had issues with DUI. But people talked me down from that. Like things that would normally, you know, cause people to take a closer look and reevaluate. And it's not to say I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed or having questions after those things happened because I certainly did. But it just never lasted that long. I would go right back to what I was doing and it kind of just snowballed. You know, I had drug use involved with alcohol for part of my story. Luckily for me, that was something that I was more easily able to stop than drinking. But yeah, I had my daughter, who is eight, as I mentioned to you. And so when I got pregnant with her, of course, I'm like, okay, obviously no one-- you don't drink when you're pregnant. You take care of yourself, are super healthy, doing all the things, eating well, working out, feeling great. And I think again, just that misconception that I feel like I've heard a lot of people say is you're pregnant and you stop. Just like that. It confirms in your brain that there really isn't a problem. Because if there was really a problem, wouldn't I have more issues with not drinking or I don't know. I think you just tell yourself, whatever makes you feel good at the time, you know, to kind of make yourself feel better. But yeah, after I had her, her dad and I, we weren't married. And we ended up parting ways when she was about one. And with that came kind of like I had half of my time to myself because she would be with her dad for part of the time. And so it all just almost probably worse than what it was before. Just kind of reappeared and took over again and, you know, going to the bar by myself and just hanging out with random people and whatever. So it was a big, ugly blob of chaos for the most part, for about 20 years until, you know, the big boom hit when I quit.

Alex
And what was the moment that made you quit?

Kelly
Unfortunately, it was another brush with law enforcement. And I had been day drinking with a friend and definitely had way too much to drink and got behind the wheel of my car and got pulled over for speeding. And, you know, when that happened, you know, as soon as it happened, I'm like in my head, I know where this is going because I've been here before, but I know it's going to be, you know, the ramifications are going to be worse. And now I have a child. This isn't what I want to be. Like, even in my state of mind, I've told this story many times. But even just like sitting in the holding cell thinking about this because I had a lot of time on my end at that point, I'm thinking like, this is it. You can't do this. You have a responsibility. I had a responsibility to myself, but I think in those early days, it was more-- my thinking was more of I have a responsibility for my child, who I love more than anything. And, you know, I preach constantly to her about strong women and, you know, taking care of yourself and being healthy and being good to yourself. Yet I'm over here doing all of these things that completely contradict that, and I can't do both. She is smart. She's going to see through this. And so that's when I stopped. Unfortunately, it took a lot of, you know, bad consequences, way too many. But I think what I tell myself is, you know, even at the point I was at there, people who hit that point and still don't stop. And, you know, it's hard. But yeah, I just made the decision that it had to quit, it had to be done, and that's what I did. I just quit. And the first year was kind of interesting. But yeah, it's really my life and just my outlook and the way that I approach everything parenthood, you know, my family, friendships, work, whatever, it's just been a complete turnaround.

Alex
It's amazing. And so many people, that's what it is. It's like as soon as you quit, it's like everything gets better, you know, and it's like you don't realize when you're drinking that this is like the one thing that if you just stop doing, whole life would be better.

Kelly
Yeah, infinitely. I mean, you know, I had some kind of surprises along the way in that, you know, I thought that all of my problems were just going to disappear when I got sober. And of course, as we know, that isn't the case, but life in and of itself. And the way that I--I think it's just a huge perspective shift and an outlook shift. And just, you know, I had to train myself how to approach life in a different way and to be okay with not, you know, being happy all the time or was not feeling worthy all the time. You know, there were a lot of bad feelings, but I had to learn basically for the first time in adulthood how to do all of those things. And it's hard and you lose some people along the way, but you gain a lot of people, too. A lot of finding myself and kind of relearning how to be an adult. I mean, it sounds crazy, but I was always an adult who was like a binge drinker, like a partier that was my personality, that was my persona, and I didn't know anything else. So to go from that to completely cutting the one thing that basically bonded me to the people I considered friends. It was hard, but I don't have any regrets.

Alex
And so tell me about in that year sober, what tools and resources did you draw upon? Like, were you part of any group? Did you use community? What did you do?

Kelly
Pretty much immediately after, you know, that final rock bottom happened. I knew-- I had counseling before for substance abuse, but when I did it the first time, it was kind of like in my brain, like, I wasn't ready to do it. I was just kind of doing it because I thought people wanted me to do it?

Alex
Right.

Kelly
But oddly enough, despite that, I did connect really well with the counselor. He was really, really great. I liked him. So I immediately, literally the day after all of this stuff happened to me, I sent him an email, and I was like, okay, I'm coming back. I need to come back to therapy, and I'm ready to really do this. That was, you know, first and foremost for me. He recommended that I try AA, which was scary for me. And I remember him doing that the first go, around two. And I was kind of like, okay, I'll go. But, you know, I never really did it. And I still was really tentative about it. But he was more like, you know, for no other reason, you need to be around people who do understand what you're going through, and I think it'll make you feel like you're not the only person who's been through some bad things. And so I did. I went. I went probably went for gosh, I don't know, six months maybe. And it was until the pandemic hit. It was until the pandemic really took hold. And there were a lot of parts of it that did help me. I learned a lot. I heard a lot of stories that I was kind of like, wow, okay. One, I heard a lot of stories of people saying a lot of the same things that I was feeling, which was helpful because I didn't know anybody in person at all who had been to any kind of counseling or treatment or, you know, admitted they had any kind of problem with substances. So just to hear other people saying that made me feel better. And you know, I just learned a lot about being okay with talking about what you're going through and not having to feel shame about something that you did while under the influence of something that changes the chemistry of your brain, you know. So I think it helped me in that way. But ultimately, it really didn't. It was not going to be a long-lasting relationship. It's just I read "Quit Like a Woman", which is like a Bible as far as I'm concerned. And that book really, really changed a lot of my perspective. And after having read that, listening to a lot of podcasts, you know, recovery podcasts, and reading other Quit Lit, I just kind of started developing my own sort of pathway. And you know, so from that point forward I did a lot of it on my own initially. I was married at the time, and I did have the support you know, from my spouse. And my parents were supportive, but they didn't know what it was like to be addicted to anything. They don't have experience with that. So I think it's different to have support outside of recovery versus inside. But working out and podcasts were basically my recovery for a while. That and, you know, coupled with the therapy that I was doing, just the one-on-one. But, you know, like I was saying, fast forward to when I decided I wanted to kind of create the group that I created. I sort of did that in mind, you know, having in mind what I would have liked to have had when I was in my first year. Something what-- if I was looking for something at that time, what would it have been? What would it look like? So I kind of ran with that as my premise, I guess, for the group. And I wanted something that everybody felt welcome to come to. If you do 12 steps, fine. If you don't, fine. If you don't have a specific thing you're doing, I don't care. You know, if you just want to be here and here and read the comments, fine. I just wanted to have a place where people felt like they were not by themselves. And, I mean, just that aspect fully to me is one of the most important things. I did this by myself for a while, and I think I could have done it longer, probably if I had to. But why? You know, I've just found that it's so much better when you're talking to other people who know. And it wasn't until, like, probably, you know, just before I created "East Coast Sober Squad" is when I found Instagram and the community. And I was like, whoa, I wish I had known about this in my first year because I kind of did not do social media really for my first year that much. And I had no idea that the community there was so supportive and so vast and just so many good people. So, yeah, once I found Instagram, I was like on fire.

Alex
So incredible. And hearing your story of how you shifted from doing it alone to then creating this whole community and bringing all these people in. And I think I've heard it before where they say we become the help that we needed most. And that sounds like what you really did. Like, you created something that you would have loved to be part of in your early days of sobriety.

Kelly
Yeah.

Alex
So inspiring.

Kelly
Anyone who's listening to this in the "East Coast Sober Squad" will be like, oh, my gosh, Kelly, you say this all the time, but I'm just not like a super emotional, feely kind of person. I'm working on it. I'm getting better. But, you know, I think I was kind of in this bubble of recovery by myself because it just felt more comfortable to me?

Alex
Right.

Kelly
And I think a lot of people feel that way, even if they are very sensitive people or people who have lots of big feelings. I think it can almost be as isolating as drinking is to some people. For those people who, you know, drink-- like, for me, I was a go-out drinker. I went out. I wanted to be around tons of people, but a lot of people isolate. And I think Sobriety can do the same thing to you.

Alex
Right.

Kelly
And so I just feel like there needs to be more acceptance of just all kinds of communities, whatever it is that brings people together and helps them to stay the path and to recognize that, you know, just keep going. And you have people here who want to support you. So let me, help me help you. It's like, you know.

Alex
Absolutely.

Kelly
So, yeah.

Alex
It's so amazing, honestly, just hearing other people's stories of how they have gone from this dark place to creating such an amazing, thriving community, it's very inspiring. So it's incredible to be so proud of everything you accomplished.

Kelly
Thank you so much. Yeah. I've been still shocked every day, I think, because I always joke like people who knew me, if people I hung out with at the bar, like, knew I was doing this right now, which I'm sure they do not because they just don't. But people would be like, there's no way this is the same person because it is. It's just a huge testament to the changes that can come about when your priorities shift and when you start focusing on yourself first and then recognizing that by doing that, you're also going to be allowed to focus on other people and help them, too.

Alex
Right.

Kelly
Me telling my story, I feel like can help someone else. And, you know, it's like a pay it forward kind of thing. So if me talking inspire someone else to do that, then, you know, something I say might not resonate with you, but, you know, it might resonate with someone else. But then you've heard me tell my story, and then you tell yours. So your story touches someone else. And it's just really it's like the most simple thing ever. But we feel like we need to make it so complicated.

Alex
Yeah, that's so true. So I have one more question for you. If you had any wisdom for someone who is starting out a sober curious alcohol-free journey, what would you suggest? What would you recommend?

Kelly
I think probably, I would say, you know, you're always going to find a reason to not start your journey. There's always going to be an event, there's always going to be an excuse. There's always going to be something that's holding you back, you know. And I used to do that a lot. I would say I'm not going to drink anymore. And then something would come up and I'd be like, okay, well, I want to get through this. And then maybe and I think a lot of people do that or they're worried or they're afraid about how they're going to be received and there's just so much fear attached to any kind of change, right. I mean, that's just normal human behavior. But if I tell you that change is going to be hard, but it's going to bring about so many more possibilities than alcohol has ever. Like what has alcohol ever given you? I could name ten things now on top of my head that are mind-blowingly amazing that sobriety has given me and I can't name one good thing that has ever come from me, like going out to a bar and drinking or sitting at home and drinking, it just never led to anything good. And even if you didn't have rock bottom moments or bad moments, you know, the harm you're doing to your mental health, to your physical health, your well-being. Even if it just makes you feel like garbage, I mean, do you want to keep doing that? I would say throw those reasons out. Like you've got to start. The only way to get there is to start today. If you start today, you're going to get there faster than if you start tomorrow, you know. So that's one of I guess, my biggest piece of advice and just to like everything I've been saying is just connect with people, even if it's just making-- if you don't want to out yourself for being sober, make a fake profile on Instagram and just follow sober accounts and get that motivation and get that inspiration and reach out to people and you'd be amazed at how many people actually like right back to you and do care and want to see you succeed. So you don't have to do it by yourself. I think it is another big one for me.

Alex
Yeah, that's so true. I love that. If you start today, you're going to get there faster than you start tomorrow. Beautiful. Love that. Kelly, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was so amazing and inspiring to hear your story and I am going to toss in the episode description all of the links to the "East Coast Sober Squad" website and Instagram and Kelly's Instagram. So if anyone wants to connect with Kelly, you can click those links there. And was honestly amazing. I really, really appreciate your time, so thank you and I'm sure I will see you soon.

Kelly
Yeah. Thank you so much.

Alex
Take care.

Kelly
Okay, bye.

Outro
Hi friend, thank you so much for listening to this episode of "Sober Yoga Girl" podcast. This community would not exist without you, so thank you for being here. It would be massively helpful if you subscribe to this show and leave a review so that we can reach more people. And if we haven't met yet in real life, please come hop on Zoom at "The Mindful Life Practice" because the opposite of addiction is connection. Sending you love and light wherever you are in the world.