You ever go speak? If you're part of AA at a meeting? You ever go to a speaker meeting? I went to speaker meeting on Saturday with with somebody brand new. But Steve went to a detox center and we were kind of working out what a topic would look like tonight. And we're talking about trust and honesty. But it just seemed interesting when Steve was telling me about the meeting that he went to and spoke and a little bit of the chaos beforehand, but how we
help people. Steve, I'm dying to hear more about this, and I think people want to hear some of this stuff. Why do people go speak? What's the purpose? What do you get out of it?
Yeah.
What do you learn from it?
You know, it's interesting, cause I was blue and I was listening to another podcast that was talking about. And it's not a podcast. Not, not that we are either, but we're a little bit more a And they were talking about some of the things that a people do. And I was thinking about it as I was listening to this, like, why do we do certain things? And you know, the reason why I do certain things and with why I go speak out, I do it for twofold.
One is it's part of our program, right, to carry the message to the next sick and suffering alcoholic. Right. That's, you know, our step 12 so I do it for that reason because when I came into this program in 1995, the first time, I didn't know anything. And I knew nobody. And it was complete strangers who reached out and tried to help me. Right. That's what it was. Complete
Mm hmm.
strangers I feel like I need to give some of that back. I need to I need to make sure that other people know that that's available out there, that complete strangers are willing to help them overcome this disease. So that's
Yep.
that's the first thing. The second thing is, is that when I go to speak, it just keeps me connected to the program. And especially like you said, I spoke at a detox, right? So the people I was speaking to, Max, you can stay at this place is five days. So we're talking about people who literally had just come off a bad enough run of drinking or drugging and they had been sober for somewhere between 1 to 5 days. Right? Literally. So
Can
that's
we pause
about it.
for a second there?
Yeah, sure.
For some people who don't know what detox is?
Yeah, yeah. Go
And
right
I
ahead.
never went through a detox. What
Yeah,
is
yeah.
a detox? What do these people go through?
Well, first of all, they come in there because they've been drinking alcohol. If you're a very, very heavy drinker with alcohol or, not so much opioids, but opiates. But you know, you can really have some problems with that if
Opioids,
you
from what I understand, will make you feel like you're going to die, but you won't.
you won't.
Alcohol
You're right.
can kill you.
Alcohol
Alcohol
can
withdrawal
kill you
can kill you.
daily. So these are people who are under medical observation and they're given medications and stuff like that, a lot of anti anxiety meds and stuff like that to really do it. And a lot of times if you're a very, very, very heavy drinker, you can't get into rehab until you get detox because because you can die like like you said, you can die if you do it too quickly. So that's what detoxes.
All right And and detox, there's a, you know, bunch of people I know a bunch of people who go to detox just because they Yeah. Know just on a bad run. But this is where the practice is, where the newest people where I was thinking about it, you know, think about going back and speaking this place again. And I'm thinking, really, these are
step one people. If you're talking about the AA program and they're not even actually the whole step, they've admitted they certainly have admitted that they were powerless over alcohol and they couldn't get so they couldn't stop drinking themselves, which is why they checked themselves into detox. Right. Whether they admitted that their lives have become unmanageable or that that's a whole nother story. So they at least admitted the first part. So these are very people who are
very fresh. I'm sure a lot of these people, it's not their first time in detox because that's typically the way it goes. But, you know, we never know when when the person, you know. So anyway, I went in there, I talked there was actually two guys talking. Another guy joined us. Three of us went in there and and it was a lot like I said, it was a little hectic. They didn't know we were coming in,
but we did it. And it's one of these things like, there's no structure,like you're bringing the meeting like I
Right?
go, I go there and I expect them to have some type of set up they don't like. You're
There's
bringing
no Robert's
it?
Rules of
No,
Order.
there's nothing. There's no literature, There's no nothing. You're just bringing the meeting to them. So, you know, so I get a lot of that, like, so I get a bunch of things and, and I one of the other thing I told them as I was speaking is, you know, believe it or not, like this is going to help me stay sober, right? Like
Mm hmm.
what? What I know is that I'm going to go home tonight. I'm going to leave here and I'm going to go home and I'm not going to drink tonight like I know that and that that's part of my program. So there's a lot to it. I mean, you know, and then I invite the men. I invite them in because this is a mixed place. So there's women there, too.I invite the men to come see us at our you know, our our Friday night meeting. And I tell the women that if they want to come to our Monday night meeting,
please do. Because after what thing they're supposed to do is when they leave detox, they are encouraged to number one, go on to a list of outpatient rehab place and number two, go to meetings. So it was very interesting,
I had somebody who's brand new who is female family friend that I took to a meeting. So we're on the. We're kind of aligned here with helping other people.
right?
And the same message I gave this person is the best thing you can do. Try and find a women's group. So, first of all, try and find a group of sober ladies. Yeah, And that really connected with her, like because she had talked about, you know, I had this group of friends, this group of females, but they were associated with an ex-boyfriend and they kind of drifted away. And I kind of missed that. You can have that with a group of
sober women. And right, she was really her eyes wide open, like, wow, that would be really cool. In women's only meetings. So if you're a guy. Men's meetings are great women's women only meetings are are great because it doesn't matter who the female is. For me, it's always distracting. right. And I'm sure it's the case with women as well, and especially with women. Men can be creepy and they could have poor intentions. So you're a lot safer in a gender only meeting.
Yeah,
But I agree, man. You go and you go to speak. You feel good. And there's a lot that you can learn, too, especially from brand new people. What was some of the takeaways here?
Yeah. So what happened and this was it was really interesting. And, you know, a lot of people don't. So like I said, a couple of us went to speak mean a buddy of mine who we've spoken together before and another guy, a new guy and this is the beautiful thing about AA, a new guy joined us. So I had mentioned when I happened to
That's
bring
the best.
these was that. Yeah,
That's
that
the
is
best.
of us,
I love when the new guy comes along.
right. And and I don't know this guy. He's been around a little bit, but I don't know him. But that's a beautiful thing, right? Like, I don't know this guy much. I've seen him. He's been gone the Friday night for a while. I stopped in to another meeting up at Pathfinders a few weeks ago. He was chair in that meeting. So. And he said, Oh, I think I'll join you guys. I've never spoken. Okay, If you want to speak, you can speak. Goodbye. I think I'll just come and listen, which is
fine. So and that's a beauty. So and he goes, Oh, you know, I can meet you there. Not like, No, no, no, I'll pick you up. All right. That's all thing I picked out like the three of us. Go. So
Yeah.
there's
Key number one,
right
you're not if you're if you're new and you want to go to a meeting, you're not meeting me anywhere. I'm picking you
right
up.
there.
I'm
It
coming
really
to you
is key.
and I am picking you up.
And both
You not
guys
weasel
are
out of this one?
my, well, my my buddies. And I'll drive to your house. Even that I said no. I said I'll, I'll pick you up like why,
Mm hmm.
why drive to my house and then we get back. You guys jump in a cold car, it's getting cold out here and drive, you know, drive your 15 minutes home to your house. I'll just pick you up, you know? So I got to leave earlier. I just like doing that. So the three of us get there. So number one is I love that, too, is that you're not walking in alone. You're walking with a couple of people. So right away you're showing people like there's this whole fellowship
thing going on. So what happened with this meeting is like my friend Dan spoke first and then, you know, I asked if they needed wanted a break or anything. It and so I just went and I started speaking and partly during my my speaking a couple, the guys started asking me questions, which isn't typical, right? In a regular
No.
AA meeting. It's not typical. So but I was just going with the flow and I'm like, and one of the guys I talked to him about my, you know, my recent rela not my recent one, but the most, which was 2009, 2010. And he was asking about trust and he was like, Hey, how long does it take your wife to really trust you? And I'm like, You know, I'm like, It's not so much of a big deal now, but it took a while. Like I lied to my wife for, you
know, a long time. But my drinking and so we talked about that and then we talked about honesty. Right. And we talked about, you know, how the first thing we start doing is lying to ourselves at this time. It's going to be different. You know, this time I'm not going to do this or or you know, why we're going you know, why we're going to detox. Like like the first person we lied to is our self always. And
Mm hmm.
then we start lying to all of us. So it was really an interesting it was really an interesting thing. I really liked it. I really enjoyed last night. There was there was two people there who had notebooks and they were taking notes and like I said, you know, oh, I started smoking dope. And one of the guy goes, Smoke weed, right? That's what you mean. Like, Yeah, right. Cause you can smoke other dope too. I'm like, Yeah, When I say smoking dope,
Yeah.
I mean weed. I just found that really interesting, which, like I said, which gave me a feeling like, and they said they could really use these while they're there. They do, they work with therapists and counselors and stuff and they do book a work. And there was a guy there who's a recovering addict who's been clean for about 12 years, who works with them. He works there from 12 to 8. And I was talking to him and he's like, they could really use this type of meeting lived experiences
where he talked, right? Like people who can come in and talk to them. So I was really I liked it a lot. I felt like I felt good living there. I felt like maybe there's a service project there for me to try to get these people a more regular meeting. and I'm going to see what I can do about that. I'm going to see what I could do and see if, if I can get some people to join me in doing some of that type of work and see if we can bring a meeting there. A least once a
month. You know, can bring a meeting there once a week easily, because it's always different people.
I would be open to doing something like that. I love going to speak. Yeah, yeah, I love going to do that new person thing. On the flip side, speaker meetings are my least favorite type of meeting. yeah. Mine If too. you don't know about AA meetings, they're a different type. Open means anybody can go close. Means it's just for people who have a desire to stop drinking. In reality, I've never
noticed the difference. And No. then you have big book tradition, step meetings, discussion meetings and speaker meetings where a speaker gets up and they talk and maybe there's a discussion afterwards. I just at a certain point of hearing people's stories, I kind of tune out. But I love being the speaker Right, and I love those meetings. To get somebody to who's new speaker meetings are great to bring somebody new to Right. Absolutely. because they can hear
somebody's story. That's where a lot of new people go. Yeah. I love I will tell you one of the there's another type of meeting that I'm also not a big fan of, and that's beginner meetings. Maybe it's because I had a bad experience, but to me a beginner meeting should be and should be like one that should be like the Friday night meeting.
That's a beginner meeting. I want to Yeah, send me somewhere where there's great sobriety, but it made me think a great beginner meaning would be you take it as a commitment and people who have good long term sobriety run it and you can have that discussion with people that you have a speaker and then it's it literally is not sharing, it's Q&A. you're right. That's what I would want if I were new.
You know, just just as a sidebar we're talking about that is I went to a haven't been there a couple of years, Well, probably since before COVID. COVID stopped me from going there regularly. But there a there's a recovery club in New Jersey, and we have family down in New Jersey, so we get down there regularly. So I found the Recovery Club that has meetings. I could go out and grab a
meeting if I was on. one of the meetings I went to a few years ago before COVID was a beginner's meeting and I was into I don't think I've ever been to a beginner's meeting on here. I don't think I ever really went to anything like that. And I was curious to how they do it. And basically it was I don't remember if it was a speaker. I think it may have been a little bit of a speaker meeting or it was either that was, you know, some type of book
discussion. But the way they did it is they identify people by their length of sobriety and new people got to share first. So if
Oh,
you had
I like
want
that.
oh, excuse me, I've had 1 to 3 months, like you got to share first and then 4 to 6 you got this year, right. So that's how they did it and that's how they made it. So. So if you ran out of time, those new people were the ones who share because typically what you got in meetings, right, is like the all the old timers share, right? People who are comfortable sharing, sharing, and then the newcomers, they don't share. So there are a lot of different meetings. Speaker meetings are
not one of my favorites. I don't go to any regular speaker meetings. They're sort of a filler meeting for me, right? I go to a couple of meetings that I participate heavily in. so a speaker meeting for me is like for the most part, I get to sit back and relax and I don't have to do any work right. I can just listen, I don't have to comment. You know, I don't feel typically, you know, depending on how long the meeting is, there's not a lot of time for questions.
typically I'm not a regular there, so I don't feel like I need to comment. And I could literally just sit back and listen. Whereas, you know, we talk about it here all the time at our Monday night meeting, which there's not a lot of sharing. You know, we both feel like we need to share something at that meeting almost every
that's
time.
pretty much the only reason I raise my hand.
Right. And then Friday it's gotten better. Friday night used to be like that. But lately Friday night's been really good that you know, which is nice. Like we've been closing that meeting with people's hands still up, which is a nice way to do it. I mean, that's
Oh,
a good
that's great.
meeting, right? But you can't get to everybody. Well, I'm not sure that's good because some people have been sharing too long. But anyway, it's just shows that there's some interest in the topic. So. So anyway, you know, again, Speaker's meeting is just one of those things that, you know, the biggest part is when you get this and and you be given these some of the gifts we talk about, the gifts, the promises that we have both had, I really feel like I need to
give back. You know, I really feel like
Me too.
I, I need to do something in multiple ways and service ways. And that's, you know, we can do service at a much bigger level. But speaking and then you really get to talk like one of
the. Yeah, one of the things that have to happen when I was talking to us that one of the other things that happened at the end of this this meeting Tuesday night was that the other two guys, while I was talking to the staff and they were saying how they could really use this meeting, the other two guys were talking to some of the clients. Right. And then I'm like, Hey, can you let us out of here? Because the whole place is
locked down. So they were going to, you know, bring us down on the elevator and we had to stand there and wait for those guys to finish. And I'm like, I was watching them like, that's cool. Like, they're they're connecting to a guy, you know, And and they got in the car and they said, well, we'll see if he shows up Friday night because they talked to you know, they told him about Friday night and we'll see because he he had to leave like
the next day. He was on day five he wanted to stay longer, but they won't let him. and that's what it is. And then you hope you hope these people will follow up. You hope to come to a meeting. be nice. If they came out to our meeting so that we could see them.
Yep.
But you just. You just hope that they go to some meeting and they find, you know, they could be from anywhere. They find some help.
The sad thing is that most people won't.
no, they won't.
Those people in detox, most people won't follow up. They're not going to stay clean. Know, This is not a program for people who need it. It's for people who want it. And if everybody who went to the detox actually went to the meeting afterwards, standing room only would have to make new meetings. right?
Yeah. There was a gentleman there. Um, he worked. He was working. I want to say his name was Paul, but it doesn't matter. His. He was working. He was. He was one of us. He's 12 years clean. He was an addict, And I. So I asked him, like, So what's the program like? Where do these people go from here? And he goes, well, we have a we have a rehab place, right? we send them you know, we tell them that they should go There he goes. But we can't force them to go there. Right? We can't
force them to go into rehab. He
no.
goes maybe about half of them will. He's a maybe half of them will go down there and try to try something. And and he even said he said, maybe we find that maybe 1% of the people who come through here might finally get sober. Think about that number 1% they
that's about
have.
right.
Yeah. Yeah. And they have 24. They actually have 36 beds covered. Cut them the back to 24. And he said that he doesn't see them ever going back up to 36. And he said they were just about four. They were I think they had one empty bed, although there was only about eight or ten people at this meeting. And that's again, if you're checking, if you're on day one, you're probably not up for a meeting. All right. You're probably in bed, you know, just
Yeah,
trying to just just getting your getting your meds and trying to, you know, become human again. So
right.
you're right. You know, lots of lots of people at different parts, a different points of sobriety.
There's so much I learn about recovery when I do things like that, either speaking. Hearing other people talking to somebody who's new or has that gift. The desperation of I'm ready to get sober. That's I took somebody to their first meeting on Saturday and it took me forever to get to bed because I was so amped up. Right. It was such a charge for me. And it's sort of like watching your kids on Christmas Day that I'm not going to get gifts anymore, but I like to watch the kids get gifts and see
Christmas through their eyes. I was watching sobriety through this person's eyes, and I could see this person's body language just kind of relax as the speaker was talking and the speaker did not have anywhere near her story. And we talked about that on the way home that I'm like, you should identify, d compare. And she was smart enough to have already thought of that. Yeah, but there were things that I identified with that I that that rang true for me, even though this guy's story
wasn't even close. And I'm like, Wow, this is I wish I was as bright as you are because this person is 24. This is a very bright person who's trying very hard at this and wants it. And I felt great that I could think of taking them to a meeting. And this was sort of like a I'm going to wing it. And I see I'm going to cross reference where the closest meeting is at this time, and that's where we're going. And it turned out to be a winner. Maybe that's a higher power moment. Maybe.
It helps me understand more when I see it through somebody else's eyes where I get those new questions are things like trust or what somebody Yeah. new is going through. I remember and it helps me.
you know, I know you remember what it was like for you. And I certainly remember what it was like for me. So when you come from that place, when you come from that place in the story I always tell, and to try to get these to try to get people to relate to how bad it was for me because we all drank
differently. But the story I always tell is that at the end of my drinking, the first time I came in here, which was 95 at the end of drinking then, which was when I was at the height of my alcoholism, I used to go to bed at night. I lived in a second floor of a kind of flat condo, so one underneath me, the second floor. And I used to go to bed and I would drink until I
was ready to pass out. And if I had a thought before I could fall asleep, that thought often was that if the house caught off, if the condo caught on fire, the building caught on fire, that my children would die because I wasn't going to be able to help them. Look, I knew that. I knew that even. And that didn't stop me from drinking like that. That's the depth of my alcoholism right there. You know, I think about that today. Like, that wasn't enough.
I think it's something very similar that I worked somewhere where if the production hadn't been complete by ten, I think it's ten. They would have to call the director to make sure that we could continue to process them past the 11 okay, this was or processing liquidation claims in an annuity. And I used to always think what type of condition is the director and she must be
drinking because I am. Or if people if they would ask me to log on from home, I wonder how many people are like to bomb to do that because yeah, there are a lot of nights I was. And probably the answer is very, very few times because yeah. that's not normal drinking.
No, Although I had a boss that I used to have to call like that and I would call him, he'd be drunk. This is long. This is long before I had a problem or I knew I had a problem. I had a problem. But before I knew it, I remember and I remember people. So I'm like, Oh, you had a call. Can I can was always drunk every time if you had a call. I'm like, I work second shift, so I might
00 at night, ask him what to do. And he was always drunk and but anyway, but, but coming from that depth of me not being able to stop drinking, even though I know if something happened, my kids were coming from that depth of of my addiction. And then seeing someone like this, this young lady that you took to the meeting, seeing this bark in her eye, seein that maybe, just maybe, she can avoid that type of misery. Right. Because she's 24, you know, so she can avoid that kind of misery.
Yeah,
That's to me, that is so uplifting that is such a thing. And so it's it's amazing. You know, we talk about different ways to get sober, like there's lots of different ways. There's a lot of different communities out there. And a lot of these communities are you're one to help each other. But I'm not sure people are out there trying to help other people the way we do in AA, like where it's part of the mission, right?
it's an expectation.
It is an expectation. It is. So I know a lot of people, we don't they knock it. It's not the big thing that God does, but there's lots of flaws and there are there's lots of flaws.
Mm hmm.
And I was listening to a bunch of listened to the other podcast today. Yeah. Before we did this, I was just hanging out thinking about our podcast. I got listened to one day, I listened to regular and I put a comment, a game, you know, I put a comment on there and they were talking about AA and they were talking about things they didn't like about it, and neither one of them are big. AA They both
have gone, but neither one. And they were talking about it and I said there's, there's a lot of flaws in AA, but it still is the most accessible it's the most accessible program out there because, you know, accept everybody
Right.
right there. A everybody with no with no expectations on anything and return. And there's not another program out there that does that.
So here is the other thing around. If you have a bad experience with AA, and I think a lot of it may come from you go to the wrong meeting because there's plenty of meetings that I have gone to that if that was my only experience, I'm not ever going to go to AA again. Yeah, So the key is go to another meeting, the one we went to on Saturday. That would be the gold standard of bring a newcomer there and they're going
to feel great. Like I was there and I was taking mental notes of I would like to incorporate some of the things that they do here. This is an incredibly well-run meeting with people who were warm and friendly. AA at its best, has people understanding, warm, friendly, not pushy and Yeah, you know, you do have you do have some meetings like this. you So do. there's that they're not all like that. Try another
meeting. If you're lucky enough to live somewhere like Connecticut, you have lots of options, even on a late on a Saturday night. But you just try another meeting, keep an open eye and yeah, that's that's it costs nothing for a meeting. That's one of the benefits. And they're plentiful and they don't cost anything. Yeah. I look at it this way. If I'm bringing somebody new, I might drive. I might put a little extra money in the basket.
They may not have money. I'm going to put the money in for you so that I'm paying it forward. All right. So this is how serene I am. As we started taping this, I had made to frozen pizzas for the family Mm. and I ran downstairs. And as we're taping this, I heard some clapping upstairs and I immediately knew what it was. And so I asked my son to go downstairs and check. As I feared, the dogs grabbed one of
the pizzas. So instead of me stopping and running upstairs, I kept my serenity when I wanted to say, but it didn't know
Okay.
I'm going to kill those motherfuckers Right. when I go Yeah. upstairs. That's a different story for a different
That,
day.
that's a different story for day. You know there is oh one of the things you said that it doesn't cost anything. It's not only that, especially on there, this is the whole thing, you know, again when you first come into AA, really the first time not coming back, not having some idea, the first time you walk into like your friend, like they're like your friend you took there, there was no expectation on that person.
Right. There's no expectation that they're going to add anything to or share they can if they choose to. But there's no expectation. Not only don't you have to donate any money or give any money if you don't have it or don't want to, you can just sit there and you don't have to share, You don't have to pass, you don't have to do anything. You can have a cup of coffee, you can have a cookie or a donut, whatever they might have. There is absolutely no expectation and
that's a huge thing. I just remember, like if I walked into AA for the first time and people are like, Hey, I need you to do this. Just this and this, I don't know. Like, I think it would have set me back a while. You know, I was able to go into AA meetings, sit there, do nothing. At the time, it was my first meeting ever went to was a 12 and 12, which means you're reading out of the book. I'm sure I read. I mean, I'm not I'm
not shy. Where I was in pass, I'm sure I did my reading had no clue what I was reading at the time. But you don't have to. You don't have to. And again, I think it's a you know, they're out. And the other thing I'll tell you is like you can go to a meeting and it could be a really crappy meeting and they could just be a one off, right? So the other thing I do is like expressly, you know, not if you knew, she knew I would. If you go back meeting, I too wouldn't go back. I go look for another
meeting. But today I realized like I can go to a meeting and if it's a crappy meeting, I may go back another time. Right? Just to see if is it really crappy? It was like, Did I just say that on a bad night? Because
Meetings turn over to
right
people,
and
turn.
right and you could just have one of those guys, you know, that you're talking about those, you know, the cranky old guys who are sort of taking over that meeting that night who don't typically do that. Right. So we all have that. So again, not that I I'm not here to push AA. I it's all that ever worked for me. But the beauty about it is it's accessible to you. If you're out there listening and you don't know, you don't know
what you're doing. If you know you have a problem, you don't know how to do it, go to a meeting, check it out, go to more than one. Just raise your hand. Go to open meeting. You can find them, you know, find an open meeting. This way, you don't have to do it. You know, y have to say if you're an open meaning, you don't even have to say you're an alcoholic.
Yeah,
Yeah,
I gave the instructions
right.
if you want to. If
Yeah,
you want to say you're an alcoholic, you can.
right.
If
You
you
don't.
just want to say, I'd like to stop drinking. That's good to.
I'm Or I'm just here to see what this is all about. Like an open meeting means that anybody can go, so you don't have to admit to anything, and that's fine. So go there, find out, check it out and see. And if you're in Connecticut and if you're in our area, which is, you know, sort of Hartford, Manchester, South Windsor area, come and see us on Monday nights at one church. We'd love to see anybody new
Yeah. And if you want to set that up at Sober Friends podcast, you can go to the website Sober Friends pod dot com on Instagram at Sober Friends Pod. We would love to hear from you. How do you get motivated from the new person if you go in our speaker? What have you learned? If you have dogs that are pieces of shit like mine and they eat your pizza, what do you do about them all? All on the table for you to to ask or comment about? Steve thanks for coming on and doing another great
like,
show tonight.
Thanks, Matt. You're leaving me laughing. So go deal
I
with those
try.
dogs.
Will do and we will see you next week by everybody.