When you put down the bottle and you have a bad day or things are not going your way, you have to find other ways to blow off steam to find your way through that. When picking up a beer or a glass of wine or a shot was your solution. And if you're just dry and you don't have any type of program or other type of tools, that's going to be awfully hard. And that's what we're going to talk about tonight. Steve, what are the things that you need to do when you have a bad day, when
things go awry? That's going to help you get through so you don't have to pick up a drink. And better yet, it's not even something you think Mm about hmm. what works
Mm
for you
Well, let me first of all, let me tell you, go back to the time where I did pick up a drink, right? Because it was the only solution. It wasn't the only solution. I mean, but it was my number one solution for those type of days when. When we have a kick in the ass type day. Um, yeah, my, my solution was to get a drink of some type. Whatever it was, didn't, didn't really matter what it was, but just to get a drink today, there's lots of different things, you know.
One of the things we have to realize is that just because we put down the drink doesn't mean we're going to have great days all the time. All right. And we're going to have these days where the saying I like is sometimes I'm the hammer and sometimes I'm the nail. Right. And you have those days where you're the nail and you're just getting pounded all day that it does a really, really tough day. So, yeah, there's lots of different things we
could do. And the other thing that you brought up was if you're dry and you have a day like that, I was dry for a long time and had days like that. Those are horrible days. I've always said that I think some of my behavior was worse when I was dry than when I was drinking, because on a day like that, I at least had a solution, right? I had a solution. I went and got a drink, but when I was dry, I
didn't have that solution. So I was like, if I didn't do something else, which I wasn't doing a lot of, then I was in trouble. And I just really hurt a lot of people very close to me.
know what it sounds like if I'm dry and I have a bad day,
that? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's, you know, as funny as that is, it is so spot on. It is so spot on,
that
so
is like if you just walk by me and say hi,
right now that's just like you. Right. Just stay out of the way.
I, I Um, try to keep the sweaters down on this as much as possible to keep a clean reading. But I had a text to my wife and the line I put in and I was deliberate about it is I am not to be fucked with today. yeah. And that's and part of this was it was outside of my control. So I'm going to back up. This was my bad day. There is a medicine that my doctor would like me to take. I've been taking this medicine for a number of years for depression
and anxiety. He wants to change the dosage because he believes it's going to help with ADHD, which is great. Breaking it into to take a little in the morning. Take a little at night. Well, the insurance company, after many, many years, has decided they don't want to pay for this. And there is this been this back and forth for a number of months. Today was D-Day. It was the first day I didn't have a dose at all. And if I go even a day without this medicine, things start to fall off things the
tires fall off the car. I have these basically withdrawal symptoms from an antidepressant. My head Mhm. starts buzzing. I get nauseous, I get dizzy, and I get really emotional. And I had I was on calls between other things I was doing at work, probably starting at 830 in the morning. And I didn't get things wrapped up until maybe five, 530. And this goes into this too shall pass because I got a great solution here outside of
insurance. The doctor found a stop and shop pharmacy that would sell it to me for cash without insurance, with a coupon for 20 bucks. For 20 bucks, I can kick this problem down the road for 30 days, and we should have this ready. It turns out I finally got the it. After I did that, the insurance finally came through. The pharmacy said it's approved. We won't have it for a week. So thank God I got this.
It's the best 20 bucks I have spent in a Yeah, long time and having it feeling like it's kicking in. Like I feel normal. But being off of that, it's even worse for me because now I can't control my emotions. So there was a lot of program. There was there were things where I could have gone nuts on people and probably justifiably so. And I pulled back.
Yeah. I know for me if I um, you know I say but I said all the time for me, if I didn't have my program my life would be so difficult. My life was difficult because of those exact situations. Right. Not every time but enough times that when I would get in a you know, I would get in a the jackpot or something like that or something wasn't going my way. I would have very, very few skills to help me manage it properly. And typically I was just like, just
like your little cut there. Said to stay the fuck out of my way, you know, really just like, stay away from me. Right. Um, I would have those day the dogs would know to stay away from me. Everybody would know to stay away from that today. Right? And, you know, that's no way to live. I mean, shit happens, right? And we can all have a bad day, but that doesn't mean that everybody should hide, which they did for me. Everybody would hide from me. But today, you know, today we have options.
We have options that I are a lot of program work meetings. If you can make them like there are so many different options that
Yeah.
we could do. You know, one of the things okay is you hear a lot of these sayings. It's really, really funny. I, I stumbled upon that this TikTok video where this guy was going through all the cliches that they use and in in AA and all the meeting, all the ones you hear, you know, meetings make or make, you just gone through them all. And but one of them is but they make sense and one of them is move the muscle changes. All right.
Yes,
And
that's a good
that's
one.
a big one. And it really is a big one. It's like, go take a walk. Go. You know, we thought we were talking about before you got on that, you know, you probably going to go to the gym. I'm like, that's the perfect place to go. You go to the gym. After we record tonight, you blow off some steam. You know, it gives you a little chance to decompress and hopefully you can leave it all there so you don't have to wake up tomorrow and and
have this hangover. Because again, that's another thing that would happen to me is I'd have a a day where I had my ass kicked and the emotionally. Right. I would I couldn't handle it. I couldn't fix it and I couldn't sort it out. And the next day I wake up, feel like I'm I would literally feel like I had a hangover. Yeah. Like I would just be like, oh, you know, and hopefully you can do some work on it so you don't have to feel that way.
Also adding to this, I, this will be you'll hear this much later than the men. We're actually taping it. But I got my COVID booster I think almost on the first day it was available. So I got it on September 18th a monday. And so on top of this, I always have these effects on the COVID booster. And for here, it felt like somebody took a chainsaw out of my arm and somebody took a chainsaw to my head, but I didn't have the other symptoms I usually have. I usually I'm just totally laid
out for here. It was just this brutal headache that I've had for a couple of days, so that doesn't help. But I had in the past I had no tools, so my son asked me today, Hey, can we go to the gym? Can I go to the gym? And it's okay if you can't go. I think you should. hmm. That's the first time he's actually said, you know, you don't have to, but you probably should go Right, to the gym Right. because
So,
he was with me. I was driving him around, is literally I'm on the phone. I'm like driving
uh,
and I'm on the phone with these people over the speaker because I got to get this done by business hours ending because doctor's gone
right.
at five. Right, And so he kind of heard everything. And he was also late doing something so I could get his haircut. And he is as close to me ever taking the car and just mowing them down because he's getting in the way. And I was like, You got to communicate. I need you to text. We don't have much time. And that was the most that I raised my voice. It was just serious of, You can't do this. right. Yeah, I'm really. I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have done that. And that was the
most I did. It wasn't me mowing them down with the car or just screaming. And even in that state, I had enough wherewithal to think program that I can't behave like a maniac, even if it's justified
No, you can't. I mean, it's one of the things, right? If you're working in a a true program, a good program, the way we like to work it, you have to carry these principles throughout all of our affairs. Right? So all of these things that we need to work on, we need to carry those into our everyday life. That's our that's, you know, that's how we work this program. And and it doesn't
apply. And again, it doesn't mean that we're perfect, doesn't mean that we don't have bad days, but it does mean that we when we catch ourselves or when we know it, we really need to do something about it, right? We really like, okay, this is this shit is happening. I don't like it. I'm about ready to blow a gasket. What do I need to do? Right? And it's really, you know, it's different because in the past I was so self-centered, right? They really didn't give a
shit, Right? And today I do care about the people around me and everything. And my dog, my animals. I have a dog and a cat. Like, I don't want to be having bad days and taking shit out of them just because I'm having a bad day. So I just always need to try to catch myself and figure out. And for me, a lot of times it really is just go and take a walk. It really is like, Let me get out of here, take a walk, take the dog. We go for a
walk. get some fresh air and you know that, that'll again, that'll just change my frame of mind for those few minutes.
when I lose it. I'm in a bad place. If I get to that place where I'm really angry because I feel like I have to lash out. It is. And it's a drug. At that Mhm. point, Oh yeah. I can't. It's as though I've I've, I've drunk alcohol. I can't stop this Yeah. feeling of I have to lash out is such an urge and it's so hard to get past. I try not to get to that point, but there are
things that I have to do. I'm almost to the point where there are some ways I do have to speak up for myself, and I second guess it that I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings because I don't want to have to make some amends. Right. And I think there's a balance there that you do have to stick up for yourself. I try and do it in the most pleasant way possible
Yeah. One of the things I've learned with this program is, when somebody being difficult with me today, especially if I'm in, if I'm in the right place, I can have a lot of empathy I like, I could really say like, I don't know what's going on with this person. I'm just going to chill and try to make it easy, you know, and I, I haven't always been able to do that. Look, I've talked about it
so many times. I share about it often is that one of the things that happened to me and it's still can to a certain extent, is that I get so angry that my anger flicks, flips to rage. And I've talked about this before.
just for me to
Right. And that and here's a scary thing that I didn't realize until I really started doing some work on it. I realized that when I'm raging, I no longer have control. Right? And it's a scary thing because that's where bad things happen and life changing things happen. I mean that and it's like that's where, you know, people I see people like, oh, the you know, there was angry rage and they hurt somebody or killed somebody
or whatever. And it's like their whole life changed, you know, like I've been in those situations where, again, in hindsight, I look at and go, wow, you know, that could have ended really poorly for me. And so it's really, really important for me today not to let myself get there and and I work really, really hard on that today. I do. And a big, big part of it, Matt, for me is going to meetings and I always talk about it. I always talk about my anger, I always
talk about how I'm feeling. I always talk about how, you know, there are days where I'm just I just want to beat the living hell out of somebody and and just talking about it and bringing it out to light usually helps me, just helps it dissipate. And a lot of time it hasn't gotten to the point where I want to do that, but I could just feel it building up in me.
If you're not somebody who's in a 12 step group, you're getting sober through other means. This is where a 12 step meeting can be really helpful because even if you don't consider yourself a member of AA and you're feeling that rage and you just want to tell somebody, you can go to a meeting and say, I don't usually go to AA. I've been sober for some time with other methods, but I have lost control of my emotion and I just need someone to talk to and I
needed to share it. That would be acceptable because the only the only ticket to entry is the fact that you want to stay sober. Nobody can as long as you walk in there and say, I want to stay sober, that's why I'm here. Nobody can throw you out Yeah. because that's the single purpose.
I think that's a whole nother show that we could probably think about because I actually think there's some value that even if you're getting sober through other means, through other programs, either through other programs or through other communities. B Knowing that you could go to an AA meeting
Yeah,
on occasion is I think it's a great thing to do and you don't even have to say I'm getting sober somewhere else. All you to do is raise your hand, say, Hey, I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic, right? That's it. And then you do your share. And and if you want to tell somebody afterwards on a one on one, you know, I'm not doing that, then that's fine. But I wouldn't be. I'll be honest with you. I would not even bring that up if I went to a meeting, I would just show up, raise your hand. I'm an
alcoholic. And then if you got some shit to share, share it. Or. Or maybe, you know, you could just talk to somebody afterwards. But again, that brings us back to always having that community, because if you get sober, you
right.
should have a community, right? So if you have a community, then you should use that community. And if all this shit's hitting the fan, you should be talking to somebody, right? You should be talking to somebody. And that's the beauty of our program is that, yeah, when the shit hits the fan for me, I'm talking to somebody, that's for sure.
I have a friend who is not an AA person has gone on from time to time, sort of like, I want to check it out, but it's not their thing. I talk to this person all the time and listen to this person with their issues because it helps me. Oh, It's yeah, sort of a little AA meeting that we're having that the other person doesn't really
realize. And I put myself in check around, Where can I be helpful, Where can I be a guiding hand to help this person just getting through their their problems and I share my own and it's reciprocal where I get help back. That is something that helps me. One of those things that if you're having a bad day and you're about to have some rage picking up the phone, texting somebody is something you should do. You need Yeah. to be vulnerable with somebody else. I did not want to
go to that Monday meeting. It was raining outside and I just wasn't in the mood and there were other things I needed to get done. But I went and thank God I did, because there was very few people there. You know, a couple more people are not there and there's no meeting. Somebody sat next to me who got like a who was sober in like two weeks.
Two weeks. Yeah.
Somebody's got a six month chip. I was given Yeah, away the chips. We don't give away too many chips. I gave away a chip. So it's a reminder that when I'm feeling that way, I have that feeling that I'm going in there. I see one car. It's good that I came here. There's probably going to be something that happens that I needed to be here even when I had to drag my ass in there. yeah. And it was good that I did. I feel
Listen,
better when I have help somebody else.
let me tell you, it was. It was a small meeting. Mike and I, when we showed up there, we were looking at it and I was saying, Well, I could tell right away when we pull up, like, don't nobody was there. Like, it's going to be a late meeting tonight. And you're right. And, and I said to him, he's like, well, it's just us two. He's already planning ahead. And I'm like, We'll just hang out. If it's just us, we'll just hang out for a while cause you never
know. And that person who had two weeks came in late, right? Which is not unusual for somebody who's got two weeks sobriety. They came in, you know, 5 minutes after the meeting. So and I said, we always want to be here for somebody who might need a meeting. And that person needed a meeting. And not only they they hung around. We talked found out we found out after the meeting because they were late. They missed all the announcements, that they didn't have a big book. So I went back.
I got them a big book. They have a big book now, and they were very pleased. And I said and I invited them back. I'm like, Please come back. We would like to be part of helping you with your problem, right? We're not going to fix it for you, but we would like to be part of that and hopefully they'll come back. But, you know, two weeks sobriety, it's somewhat sometimes it's a crapshoot. You know, who knows?
Most people who they come in their brand new you almost if you were a betting man, you would bet that I'll Yeah. never see this person again.
Yeah, absolutely.
And it's a special thing when they do come back and you see their growth. Yeah.
No. So I was happy I was there Monday, too. And
And Mike
listen,
dressed up.
let's
So
see.
there was that added bonus.
What's that? Oh.
Mike Mike. was all dressed up.
Mike was dressed up. He was good. He was. And he was our chairperson. So it's always it's always good. It's a good night. But.
I will But tell you something else that helps is something that go. he did, which is he made everybody share. It was a small group, so we had to go around the room Yeah, and I told Mike, you know, hearing the different voices that people usually don't speak because they had to. I heard different things from people who normally don't speak up and they had something to say. yeah. I will tell you, in those those days where there is rage, one of the tools is shut up and
listen to somebody else. They may have something that you need to hear in the moment.
You know what the best share And again, we're sort of a little off track here, but maybe not maybe because if you
Now
if
I'm
you're
keeping on track. These are things you can do when you're having
if
a crappy
they are
day.
one of them, go to the meeting. But one of the best things I heard Monday night was the person who had this got the six months chip that person shared and it was the biggest and best share that I've They've been coming to this meeting for several months now and it was the best share. And I was like, Wow, that was really, really good. And, and like I said, it was really good because maybe they would and maybe they
wouldn't have, right? DEPEN And then Mike did it, and it was a small enough group just to go around like, Hey, just go in a circle. Everybody will share what everybody's done, share and we'll, we'll end the meeting, you know, And it worked out fine.
That person was vulnerable, brand new, was really vulnerable and Yeah. emotional, and it was an example of life wasn't great at the moment. Life was not good in that moment. There was pain, but Mm there were tools to get through it. If you have nothing else from listening to this, don't think that if you're newly sober, life is going to be great. I'm not saying your life is going to be terrible. Life is. There's good days, there's bad
days. You can't have a great day and a great day that you remember for the rest of your life. If every day is like that, there has to be boring days, mediocre days, and really awful days Yeah, because you need something to compare it to. You have the ability to have those awful days with a bunch of little tools that will just get you through. And it is okay to say, Well, I'm having this awful day, I'm just managing. I must be doing this wrong. Because I felt that way.
I looked at the grizzled old timers and said, You've been 30 years sober. They must not have days like me. They must yeah. be able to handle everything. Because I hear them talk in these meetings and they have the answer for everything. And the truth was, if you pull them aside, that's not true at all. No, no. Sometimes they're just getting by, but it's a victory that you're just getting by. Are you sober? Yeah. Okay, then you were successful. But I feel like I'm just holding it together.
It's okay. Just holding it together. Successful, because that's what you needed to stay sober today. Right. Lower the bar on what success looks like.
Yeah. You got to redefine success sometimes, right? And you know, my buddy Keith, who I don't see as much anymore, always used to say if you stayed sober today, you're a success. And the most important part of your life. And, you know, again, when I first came in, I would hear that and go, I don't know. I should be a husband, I should be a father. And then, you know, it took me a while, but I realized that that's the truth. If I stayed sober today and didn't hurt anybody, then I
would. You know, success in the biggest part of my most important part of my life. And that's the truth. You know, the other thing that what what we can do when we're having a crap day is and don't ever discount this is sometimes it's just easy. I mean, it just just go to bed if you can and I mean it just like as soon as you get done with your day, if that's what it is like, go to bed, take a nap, go to sleep. Like that's another thing where if it's happening, like just try to
relax. And obviously for us, there's a lot of other things. There's there's meditation, Right. The other thing, you know, I don't I always I want to do more and more
Yeah,
meditation
I'm terrible at it.
mate, too. And, and that's the perfect thing, right? If you if you're disciplined and you can do it, you start and feel that way. Sit down, do a quick you could probably do a five minute meditation and hopefully it could change the way you're feeling at that moment.
It's very hard for me because I have ADHD and I'm realizing that's why Yeah, I can't sit still, that there actually is a medical reason. On the flip side, you're listening out there and you're saying if you actually meditated, you would help your ADHD. You fool, shut up and do some meditation. yeah, yeah. It'll Right help you. Not so easy to take advice sometimes because I'm now. a I'm a bullheaded alcoholic Yeah, and it's just the way I am. yeah. Yeah.
It's
That book,
that.
that big book is is a is a recipe book. It's a Betty Crocker book for living. I know people at work that I'm dealing with right now in a very difficult work environment who I don't think have a drinking problem. But I don't see a lot of emotional sobriety in some of the stuff that they're saying, Yeah.
Yeah. It, you know, struggles are not unique, just alcoholics or other people struggle and. And not
okay.
everybody. We talk about it. Yeah. That we have a program that helps us figure out how to deal with our struggles. And not everybody does, you know? Not everybody does. And that's the other thing I realized is that I have to pay attention to the fact that I, I have I have tools that I can use and that everybody has those tools. And really and I have a lot of empathy. You know, my wife and I were talking about a situation with
And
a with a friend, you know, a friend who took off and, you know, went to visit some friend friends up in up, up in Maine. And she's got a couple of cats at home. And she has a sister who lives close by and her sister wouldn't take care of the cats. And this woman's daughter had a come home from New York. She works in New York to do that for her. And my wife is all torn up about it. And I'm like, why are you bothered by that? Right? Like, my question to her was, why does that bother you
that that's happened? It's not your family, right? It's nothing. It's like, why does that bother you? Like, maybe. Maybe she doesn't want to clean out the litter box. She doesn't like cats, you know? And it's like today I can look at that and have, like, an objective position on it and say, Why worry about it? It's not you know, it's not my problem. I couldn't always do that. I could do that. I would always take on the weight of other people's problems to.
this was the same friend I told you that is not part of AA that I help this person with issues said something about the things we can't control or how I know where I was going with this. Saying yes to everything, knowing when to Yeah, say no. I'm terrible at that. yeah, It's very difficult for me to say no. And I said no to something today, like I can't take I want to take this extra thing on. I really should take a break. I do a lot of extra
things. That's one of those things that will get you out of a jam. Sometimes it's overcommitting. I see the fairness aspect of that woman wouldn't go take care of the cat and it feels like this is not fair. That person's selfish. right. That person should be thinking more of other people.
Yeah,
This is there's somebody in need you can't help. And it never it never occurred to me maybe they have a cat allergy. Maybe they don't like cleaning a box.
that that's why I said and they don't but it, and it doesn't even matter. Right. It's like she did. Maybe she just doesn't want it. Right. Whatever. And I get it like listen I have a cat, I don't want to go through the whole story. It's not even my cat. We agreed to take this cat in, and it's just the way it goes. I knew that was going to become my job. Right? So I am the one who cleans out the litter box and does. And I didn't sign up for it. It wasn't like, Oh, yeah, let's bring the
cat and I'll take care of it. It wasn't like that at all, but it's just the way it is today. And but I get that some people probably don't want to do that. You know? And again, I don't and I don't. The biggest thing for me is like, I don't want to waste time on that. I don't want to waste emotional energy on something that doesn't impact me at all. And and again, that's something I've learned, you know, that I've learned. And I don't have to I don't have to worry about that. I
It's in conflict. When I feel that way with probably my own character defect, I find it's something about me that bothers me or I got feedback on Yeah, in the past. So when somebody doesn't do that thoughtful thing that I think I would do, it really does say more about me and I need to steer clear because that could be the thing that puts me in a position where I lose control. Well, I hope this has helped
everybody again. I find my favorite episodes are the ones where I have incredible pain that I have to share with you, so you don't have to go through the same pain. Or if you get in that position, there's a couple tools that can help you through it. I have actually a review I want to go over a review that we have from a listener, because I've asked you to give us
reviews on Apple Podcasts. And if you're going to take the time to give us a little bit of feedback, I'm going to give you a shout out for doing the right thing.
You sent me one. I can read it. I'm going
go
through
for
a
it.
really low point. Is that the one you sent me? That one between jobs and certainly in divorce, these guys and their podcast have been, have been preservers for me. If you're struggling, your mind is working overtime to undermine your sobriety. The encouragement from this podcast can be a refuge between between. That's where it ends for me. So anyway, five star review it calls a necessity is
and is the top of that one. So yeah, I mean, we're getting reviews, we're getting people listening, Send us reviews, send us give us a five star reviews. Send us your thoughts. If you have an idea of talking about the topics on the set to.
We would love to get your feedback every time you have a review we read it because it's your feedback. But if you've got a topic, somebody has a topic around atheist or non God AA and I think I have read that incorrectly or I am remembering that incorrectly, but it was non god. AA the idea of people who do not believe in God. What is there to talk about in a higher power? And I want to research
that a little bit more. I think that is a really interesting topic to help people who are in that position where the whole God thing might not be something that attracts you.
Yeah,
Awesome. Well, thanks for being here, Steve. I hope this has helped everybody
my pleasure mat.
and will see everybody next week. Bye, everybody.