Well, hello all you beautiful people. You know what time it is. Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and everyone in between. Gather around. Get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on. Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah. [Music] [Laughter] Hey everybody and welcome to Smuck Club. I'm Hannah. And I'm Chelsea. And we are joined today by one of our favorite guest hosts, Mr. Weston Slayton. Hello. Thanks for having me back. I'm so excited.
We love that you came back after uh Elements of Mischief was your introduction to smut. Listen, we dove hard. We did. Yeah. Deep in. I was like, "Okay, if you want to be introduced, here's five dragon shifters that are also plumbers." Still one of my top five favorite text messages of all time. Chelsea's like, "Hey, we can give you this one or if you want to go hard. What about this?" I was like, "Yeah, let's Here we go." Yeah. Yeah. Deep in no floaties. go and it worked. It was great.
Well, hopefully today also lives up to the expectations that Elements of Mischief lived up to for you. Thank you for joining us. We are very glad to have you back. Thanks. So, Weston and I have both read today's book. Um Hannah is just going to be along for the journey. I don't think you've read this one. Tell me if I'm wrong, but today's book is Pounded by Produce by GM Ferry. I can't say I have There's so many stories being told behind that face right now. Also, I was talking to a coworker.
It's both fear and anticipation. I was talking to a co-orker earlier this week and I went, "Yeah, we're we're going to review Pounded by Produce on the podcast." She goes, "Oh my gosh, I read that one." I went, "Really?" And she goes, "No way. I read Bagged by the Groceries, unrelated." And I was truly different author. different author but real. But real good that it's real. I'm like, is this a Chuck Tingle? Like I Okay. Okay. We're not full Chuck Tingle.
Okay. Oh, spiritually we're not far from Chuck Tingle. Are we like Vera Valentine? Like unhinged? Not quite. We're just going to jump into it. Okay. We're going to probably stop trying to temper expectations and just choose. you know, is pounded by produce. Anything from there is really feel like I'm going to make this face a lot if you're doing it right. A frown. That's right. A little bit of disgust. Like frowned, lime confusion. Oh, confusion. So, we open with Emily.
Um, Emily has recently escaped an abusive relationship. Okay. not physically abusive, but very like emotionally, verbally, um, financially abusive. He really isolated her. She wasn't allowed to work, just all that sort of stuff. So, okay, she has now made it out of this, uh, long-term abusive relationship and is trying to start over, trying to find a job. She really doesn't have a ton of skills and is like, I just want to like cook and be in the garden and like I'm
looking for a quiet, simple life. I'm not trying to rage. Mhm. Mhm. She happens to find a listing for a uh live-in parish cook. Okay. Um it is a remote rural parish. It is for St. Mary's Catholic Church. I was going to say parish usually indicates church unless you're in Louisiana. So I'm imagining that it's church related. That's right. Yeah. What is it in Louisiana? That's like their county is a parish. Yeah. I really learned something new today. Hey Wow.
End of episode. Thanks for being here, guys. Right. We set out. We accomplished everything we set out to do today. That was it. Hannah has no context for this book, but Chelsea learned something. Thanks for being here. Okay. So, we have Emily and there are two other characters. We will get all three perspectives. The next character is Robert and he's one of the priests at St. Mary's. Um, he's in the garden gathering produce for dinner.
their last parish cook fell in love and like moved to France or something and so they've been having to make their own meals. Where's her book? It's a different one probably. Sorry. Or it needs to be written. There's an opportunity. The rest is still unwritten to take notes. So the rain on your skin. As Robert is out, we know we're just going to call Robert Bob. As Bob's out in the garden, Laurent runs out. He's the other priest for St. Mary's Catholic
Church. Um, and he runs out and is like, "Bob, have you seen my hairbrush?" And he hasn't. What? What's your face, Hannah? Veggie Tails. Mhm. Maybe. Bob the tomato. Larry the cucumber. Oh my god. So, uh, for the listener at home, Yeah. Hannah may have just realized this is veggie tail smut. The worst part of this is all it took was Bob, have you seen my hair brush? Yeah, it was out the gate. It was in chapter two. Oh my god. Okay. All right. Okay.
So, you know what? We're just going to call Laurent Larry for our purposes. Yeah. That is also how I outlined. Just Bob and Larry. At one point, I'm like, B and L are doing this. Yep. Uh-huh. Mhm. You're like, now that I understand where we're at, I can I can lock in accordingly. Do you like to buck with tomatoes? If a squash can make you come, have we got a smut book for you? Okay. Sorry. I had to get that one out the way. Oh, I'm sweating.
So, there's there's definitely some underlying tension between Bob and Larry. Sexual or otherwise? Very sexual. very sexual. Nice. Very sexual. They've uh been friends and known each other since seminary. They were roommates in seminary. 15 year history. Are we talking like historians say they were roommates or were they like actually roommates? Yes. And they were actually roommates.
They were actually roommates. Okay. And there there's definitely reference to like a couple of times where they were both mutually masturbating and like making eye contact like in their separate twin beds and like no one made it weird. You know, we're just never going to talk about it. It'll be all right, right? We're just going to jack off at the thought of each other, but never say those words to each other. That's got it.
Mhm. So Bob is like, "Let's pray this new cook is good because I'm not a great cook and I just want to get back to writing sermons." And Larry's like, "Oh, ye of little faith. She's going to be a great cook. My God is bigger than the boogeyman. God is bigger than the boogeyman. He's bigger than Godzilla's or the monsters on TV." Honestly, it's going to be an excruciatingly niche episode. Oh, full stop.
And certain recovering evangelicals are going to go so hard they're going to listen to it like eight times and everybody else is going to be like, "What the [ __ ] are these women singing right now?" Shout out to GM Ferry because like I'm pretty sure the dedication in this book is to those with religious trauma. 100%. On that note, read this book on Kindle.
Mhm. I can only imagine somebody reading this with no context for what Veggie Tales is and wondering why the hell 107 people have highlighted a passage about a cucumber or a hairbrush. Like why the hairbrush? I don't understand. God is bigger than the boogeyman. Okay, that's a weird line. Anyway, back to the [ __ ] Woo! Mhm. Yeah. Made for kids with religious trauma. 1,000%. So, back to Emily. She has now arrived at the parish. Um, she's not very religious and feels a little anxious
about this. And so, she meets Gail, who's like the church administrator. Um, and Emily's like, "This place is so beautiful." And Gail goes, "Yes, God's splendor truly does dwell in this place." And Emily just goes, "Praise be." Did you do research on who Gail is? No, it's I can't remember her last name, but Gail was like one of the prominent voice actresses on Veggie Tales. Nice little homage. That is a nice little homage. I know, right? I was like, Gail, that's
too specific. That's deep. Google, there she was. She's like a in my head I thought Gail made complete sense for being the name of a church parish administrator. Accurate as well. And I like that you're like Gail. I should look into that. And I went Gail that track. I'm waiting for Barbara as in Barbara Manatee to make an appearance. Um I wish we got like a Laura the Carrot at some point. We don't. Um so just book two. Book two. The sequel. But the funniest part is also like when
Emily's like, "Praise be." Gail looks at her and is like, "So, is that your first time saying this and she's like, "Was it that obvious?" And G's like, "It's not it's not that deep. We're very relaxed here." Like, the girl's like, "Oh, thank God." And she's like, "Yes, that's the energy." Like, so very chill. But then as Gail is giving her the tour, she introduces her to Bob and Larry. And Emily's immediately like, "What the [ __ ] is this romcom? These priests are so hot." Like,
very meta. Like, what is this? Some smut book? Yes. Direct quote. Yeah. Incredible. So, that night, Emily has a sex dream. Um, she dreams that she is praying in the chapel and just kind of accepting this new life and kind of like, I don't really know what you have for me, but kind of figuring it out. and you know it would be cooler if I not a nun cuz I I do like sex but like I'm open to the
other things that you have to offer. And then suddenly she hears a voice that's the priest being like we can help with that. And they're like taking off her clothes and she takes off Larry's pants and then takes out his dick and it's a cucumber and she's like that should weird me out but it isn't. And Jess is like I want to slob on that knob. Um, and then she like wakes up from the dream unfortunately of Yes. of Larry's cucumber dick. I was very excited for the story line of the cucumber dick.
I honestly was wondering if that's how because I knew going into it that it was Veggie Tail smut, but I had no idea how that would present at any point. So I was like, "Oh, is this how we're going?" And so I'm like, "Okay, so Larry has a cucumber penis, so that means Bob has a tomato penis." or just like massive tomato balls. I had that thought, too. I was like, it's his balls, but then a normal dick
with tomato balls. Like, so as the book continued, I went, "Oh, I I should have just let GM Fairy She You know, GM Ferry did write it. I didn't need to make it up in my head." She did. All my notes were like, "Oh my gosh." Yeah. Oh, it was a dream. It was a dream. Yeah. Weston is like, "I feel the quitus vegetableist interrupt us." [Laughter]
Okay, that Yep. Mhm. Emily wakes up from the stream and, you know, decides she needs a little midnight snack and is like, I'll go chop up a cucumber in the kitchen and have a little have a little treat. When she gets to the kitchen, she does find Larry there having a midnight bowl of cereal, and she's so flustered. She's like, "Oh, enjoy your bowl. It's fine. I'll wait to eat until morning." Like, why? No, that's not the right response, Emily. Like,
he's not in his priestly garb. He's just No, he's in his pajamas eating hot. Yes. Yeah. She's just imagining if it is a cucumber inside of those sleep pants. Yeah. Casual. She'll find out. Um, but he invites her to stay and they're getting to know each other and like she swears at one point and I forget exactly what Larry said, but the energy was like, "Don't worry about swearing. We're not like regular priest. We're cool priests." It's kind of like how I read it. Yeah.
Oh, but okay. You read it the same way. I read it the same way. And like he used the phrase I can't remember if this was in the same thing, but it's like same context. Said it's like, "Oh, yeah. And we used to [ __ ] around to seminary all the time, which I thought is the best pitch for a divinity degree. It's like, "Yeah, you just want to go [ __ ] around to seminary for a little bit? Sure, let's do it." Someone who went to a seminary. I was going to say not a ton of [ __ ] around.
Yeah, that's fair. And unfortunately, small amount of small amount of [ __ ] around in seminary. But yeah, it was also could have been me. I wasn't a fan favorite. You know, you and there ruffling feathers and whatnot. I I had I had about 10% of the tattoos that I currently have and it was too many tattoos for their liking. You hadn't found your audience.
No, I had not found my audience. Like I left and within 5 months of me like graduating from seminary, I had a full back piece tattoo done on my upper back. And I'm like, you know, that was a they wouldn't have loved that. At least not at the one I was at at the time I was there. Maybe they've reinterpreted scripture about tattoos at this point. Hopefully. Or vaginas or or any of it. Oh, okay. That's We're about to get too into cuz I'm about to be like, well,
nope. This is not a This is not a context for me. Pounded by Produce leads into a theological disc discussion. That's what the people signed up for. You get it. Yeah. Go listen to Dan Mlullen if that's what you're trying to do. We're not here for that. Although, we did review Priest. I literally had the thought. I was like, I feel like that book was trying to heal religious trauma in the way that this one probably actually does for people. I did have that thought earlier.
That is very valid. As they're now together having a late night cereal snack, Larry asks if Emily's religious and she's like if it's kind of a sweet moment where they're just actually getting to know each other and she's like, "No, but like I've really been feeling lost and like I'm searching for something and like I'm looking for something that like gives me a purpose and Larry's like, you know, like when I like that's how I felt when I joined seminary and like really looking
for a higher calling and just it's just a nice moment of like actual connection between him. Um, but also I think the other like as soon as he joined seminary like at least God has not been his higher calling. Bob has been his higher calling. Larry is so in love with Bob. Um, yeah. Very sweet. Yes. And so they say good night and then the next morning we actually switch to
Larry. This is the moment we find out that he's in love with Bob because he's watching Robert preach from the pulpit and give his sermon and he's just like I like this is the reason I've been here for 15 years essentially and he's just pining away for him and he's like the he's like yeah like before I went to seminary like I definitely slept with women but like those unspoken nights with Bob like meant more to me as far as sexual experiences than like anything else in
my life. His love of Bob is really endearing. It is really sweet. Sounds very pure. It's so pure and the the tension that like it in or interjects in the moment you're like, "Oh my gosh." Yes. Because this is fun. Well, like you've been in love with him for 15 years and just pining away with like stolen moments and being like, you know, like when when I could get away with putting my hand on his shoulder and like it wouldn't like draw and you're
like, "Oh." And they're like there's another perspective with Bob like talking about his love for Larry and like will they won't they. It's just very endearing and very Yes. That's very nice. It really is. Um after the sermon they uh oh Emily shows up at the end of the sermon. It doesn't it's not really relevant to the plot except she's just like finding her way around the space
and like meeting people. And Larry also sees her and is like, I absolutely masturbated as soon as I got back to my room last night. He's like, I had to do an awkward walk leaving that kitchen because I'm very into this woman. Um, as the service ends, all you realize all of these like old women, all these old Betty's in this rural town are very into Bob and Larry as well and love their little like harmless crushes on their priests. Yes. Um, one woman knit Larry a rubber ducky sweater.
King George and the Ducky. We love a call back. We love a reference. how Hannah braces herself with each reference. It's awesome. Well, I'm like I'm just honestly disturbed that I remember all of them. So, some odd years since I've interacted with Veggie Tales, you know, reading through there were a couple moments where I was like, "Was that something?" And then I'd look it up and I'm like, "This unlocked a core memory."
Vance would just look over. I'm like watching Veggie Tales songs on my phone and he's like, "What are you doing? research like get over it, man. It's fine. It's fine. Um, as the now that the sermon is ending and all of the church members are leaving, um, there Bob is talking to Larry's like, "Bro, you got to stop flirting with all these like old women." And Larry's like, "It's harmless. They make me sweaters. It's great." Like, what could go wrong here? They're just having fun, man.
And as they close the doors to the church, they realize there's like an old woman in there with them that they they don't know her. They've never seen her before and she looks a little like haggarded and is wearing like a big cloak and they're like, "Oh, we're so sorry. Like we thought it was empty in here." And they're like introducing themselves and she's being kind of weird. Kind of weird. Okay. Kind of very mysterious. Yeah. She's like, "I know who you are."
Yeah. And they're like, "Oh, like do you need a ride home?" And she's like, "No, but I like you boys might need help." And they're like, "What are you talking about?" So then she says, "Tonight is the harvest moon where spirits come to play. All that is hidden will be brought to light. You two need a transformation. It's up to you both to define the true
fruits of your soul." And then she just like scurries away, disappears, walks down the very long road that leads to the parish, and then was it. Yeah. That that the long road to the county over. Oh my gosh. I didn't I didn't pick up on that one. Nice. That was just me. Okay. So, they're like both Bob and Larry are like that was weird, right? But like what are you going to do about it? Yeah. Like did she hex us? Guess we'll be fine. We'll find out. But there was no subtext around it. They
were like that was weird. Anyway, let's go. Yeah. Like literally to the point like as soon as it ends, Bob like looks back at L. He's like, "So, as I was saying, you got to stop flirting with these women." Like that like level of like ambivalence to this weird message from this woman. Dismissive of like whatever that was. Very dismissive of it. Yeah. Yes. They've run into this. Their congregation is 70 plus year old women. They say weird [ __ ] They knit them sweaters. They're like
water off a rubber duck's back. Oh my god. Oh, I just took a holy [ __ ] Once again, this episode will hit very hard for a very specific group of people and for everyone else. Thank you for joining us. We do apologize for the confusion. There's still some funny stuff. Absolutely. So, switching to Bob's perspective. It's late that night. Um, like now the middle of the night, he can't sleep. He's feeling guilty about how distracted he's been been by the new
parish cook. Um, and like just decides to get his mind off of things. He go he's like, "That woman was weird. I can't stop focusing on Emily." Like whatever. So, he finds an old bottle of communion wine and goes out to the garden and just decides he's going to like get drunk in the garden in the middle of the night. And like, you know, we all cope how we cope. Sure, I get it. In some situations, I'd call that a poor coping skill. And in other situations, I'd call that a
relatively good coping skill. Yeah. And perspective matters. It does. Little column A, little column B, you know. So, he's laying down between the rows of the cucumbers and the tomatoes and uh starts just like talking to God and is like, "Why are you doing this to me? Like, are you testing me? Like, why?" And suddenly a voice responds and is like, "You've been disobedient." And he's like, "Fuck off, Larry." Like, and Larry's like, "You were slamming doors. I thought you wanted me to follow you
out here. I didn't know you being out here was a secret. Like you weren't subtle on the way out. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, "Are you are you a little distracted lately?" Cuz you weren't subtle and I was clearly following you out here. Um and when Bob's like, "I you know, maybe I've been a little distracted." Larry's like, "Is it the new cook's tits?" Was it here where I think whoever it was
Bob had they got them mixed up. He looks at him he's like clearly I came alone to talk to God and the other one was like aren't you glad I answered instead. I was like ooh there's some there's a deep dive of some religious trauma in here. Like oh yeah what happens when humans show up for each other we don't have to worry about anyway. Mhm. Yes. Bob says no. Larry, believe it or not, it's not the new cook's tits. It's her lips actually that have been distracting me. Mhm.
I'm not a perve. Well, a little bit foreshadowing here. Yeah. Still am. Uh Larry is thrilled by this confession and he's like, "This is this is great news." And then like as Larry's laughing about it, like Bob calls him like ridiculous and Larry's like, "Well, it's my mission to bring you joy." It's It's kind of a slightly weird intera. It does escalate very quickly. It's very winefueled. Like Larry's like, "It's my mission to bring you joy." And Bob's like, "Well,
what a simple life." Cuz here I am like leading souls to God and you're just like talking like making jokes about tits and like being God's favorite. And Larry's like, "You're definitely God's favorite. He made me to serve you." And I'm like, "Bob, this man is in love with you." In love. He just said, "God made me to serve you." And it did not click for you. The I mean, yes, it this one is wine induced, but like still that is Yeah, that came out. That is a loud. Yeah,
hard statement. And I feel like Bob still doesn't clock it. I don't think so. He's more just he's borderline aloof, I guess. And just very I don't know. He's very in his head. And I was going to say it sounds like he's trying to protect himself and doesn't want to make Larry uncomfortable or like cross any invisible boundaries and and so he's like dismissing the signs because he wants it
so bad. Maybe like is that is like paired with that still like rectifying the idea that he believes that he's still called to serve God. He is at this parish for a reason. It just happens to be with his best buddy who was his roommate. Right. Right. Right. No, we are here to serve our Lord and Savior. Right. With very specific expectations around what serving your Lord and Savior looks like. That sounded more sexual than I meant it. Um
read into what's not. I was going to say I feel like maybe but still probably accurate for the current situation we're in. So both Bob and Larry just fall asleep drunk in the garden. Mhm. The next morning we switched to Larry's perspective. He wakes up and he's like feeling a bit funny and he's like, "Man, must be like really hung over." And his vision is a little bit blurry and things don't quite look right. Then he realizes he can't move and he's like, "What? what
is going on? And he's like, did did is this what we drank? Like, did something happen to to Bob? And then he like feels like an earthquake and then sees a giant hand. And um yeah, so Larry's turned into a cucumber and Bob has turned into a tomato and Emily's in the garden collecting produce for the day and happens to collect them. Um, she collects other veggies as well. The other ones don't seem to be sentient. Um, but Larry like looks over and sees the tomato and is like, "So
that's Bob." Like it's like I I would know Bob in any form and that is Bob. Yes. I don't know Bob in any spiritually I can recognize Bob anyway. It's like cool man. Great. I'm like even as a tomato. Even as a tomato with no eyes. I love my husband more than I love anyone else in this world. And if my husband turned into produce, I don't know if I'd look over and be like, "That squash does look kind of van."
I got to tell you right now, if Matt ever became produce, that would be like the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to my husband because he does not eat vegetables. I would never recognize him because his soul would not match it. Okay, pause. Here's here's my followup. You would automatically recognize him? Because you'd go, "Where the [ __ ] did this broccoli come from? We never had broccoli in our house." Matt, is that you? Be like, I specifically remember getting zucchini.
Why am I now witnessing Brussels sprouts? Yeah. See, you would recognize it. And why does the energy from these Brussels sprouts feel so uncomfortable? Why does the energy from these Brussels sprouts make me want to take off my pants? These Brussels sprouts are going to go lovely with a nice maple glaze, if you know what I'm saying. So gross. I forgive you. Thank you. I'm not there. Listen, the internal monologue is there is a pipeline. I forgive you. I'm not there yet.
So, Emily now has Bob and Larry back in the kitchen and like Larry's like kind of here for this. He's like, I don't really know what's happening, but this is kind of an exciting experience. I've never been a fruit before until Emily like picks up a knife and then he's like, "Oh god, oh god. Oh god, oh god, I'm in a kitchen. I'm a vegetable. What if is this how I die? Like is this the end?" But like Emily
also seems to be aware. She like picks up the cucumber and like hm like puts it like picks up the tomato, chops all the other vegetables. Mhm. Doesn't chop them. H spiritually connected to the cucumber and the tomato. Sure. But she's like holding them up and like whispering to herself and she's like, "I must be crazy." And then she's like, "This must be because of that dream I had." And I'm like, "Oh my god." Yeah. She has no idea that they've
turned into produce. She just had a dream that Larry had a cucumber dick and then she was in the garden and she picked up a cucumber and now she's looking at it going, "I must be crazy." That's exactly how I pictured her car. Just like full palm out, just eye contact with no eyes. Eye contact with the ass end of a cucumber. Like I don't know why I was imagining it long ways and not I same massive [ __ ] cucumber that's on the brink of teetering over her hand [Music] anyway.
All right. So they're safe from the knife for now. They are safe from the knife. They're even safer because Emily decides to take them to her room. Oh. So she does take Bob and Larry. Yeah. Um, and Larry's thrilled by this turn of events and he's like, "Can I move?" And he's like practicing wiggling a little bit. He's like, "Can I like get my body?" Like Larry has no concerns, which does feel very true to Larry. I'm
enjoying Larry. Actually, I'm like, that's the difference between if you're going to have a good acid trip or a bad acid trip is if you're like, "Weird, but okay. All right, cool beans." Versus like, "Oh, oh, fuck." like same situation. It's all about the perspective, right? You're like, I adjusted my expectations and this is going to be a lovely trip. Yeah. If I can interrupt for just one second, I picture Larry just accepting his new reality and then Stephen Curtis Chapman dive just plays.
Stop it. Stop it. I'm going in. I'm diving deep in over my head. I want to be caught in the rushes. Lost in the flow in over my head. I want to go. The river's deep. The river's wide. The river is the water. So sink or swim. How I mean that song was written for this book. Oh my god. In fact, the royalties from that book are what paid GM from that song are what paid GM Ferry for this. Stephen Curtis Chapman, man, he was a
Never mind. I'm not going there. I'm not going to I'm not saying that that story is too dark to get into right now. Oh god. Oh, we don't we need to bring up We're not going to sing Cinderella. Oh no. Why damn it. Damn it, ma'am. Okay. I'm sorry. This is the last time I'm going to be on this podcast.
So, just going dark. It's now Emily's back to Emily's perspective and she is still feeling very worked up after that cucumber dream and needs a release and she's like looking at the produce and she's like I don't know why I brought this produce in but when I picked it up I felt something with that produce. She's like I was very drawn to it was like a zap of energy. So, she starts masturbating, thinking of the priest, grabs the tomato and cucumber for the assist. It inserts Larry.
Sure. Um, and is rubbing the tomato on her [ __ ] like on her like boobs at first and then on her [ __ ] I could see you had questions about where the tomato went. Yeah. Yeah, I did, too. And then I was like, "Oh, okay. This is Okay. Right. Here we go. Thi this is what I I am absolutely willing to accept that this is where the tomato went and not ask more questions. Agreed. Yes. Right. Yeah. I'm comfortable with that.
Um because and I don't need to ask more questions cuz pretty much immediately we're going to switch to Bob's perspective. He's in heaven as well. He's like this is a weird dream but like I don't need to feel guilty. I'm not sinning if I'm a fruit. Like I didn't do it. She did it. I just happen to be here. Yes. is very like I'm like it's like soaking is like the equivalent of [Music] once again this episode will land for a
very specific group of people. If you know what the Provo float is, you're in the right podcast. Oh my god. if you also participated in Evangelical Sing Along with us, like you get it. Yeah, you get it. Um, I was telling Hannah a while back that I've been watching an episode, I think it was of the challenge and there was a trivia challenge and one of the questions had been like, "Name a team in the SEC and this girl goes BYU." [Laughter]
No, sweetheart. I'm like, I don't I don't think they're in the SEC. They're not in the Southeastern Conference. I was like, and then as soon as she said that, I was like, I learned a lot about you. And her response is BYU is in the SEC. I'm like, I I've learned so much about you as a person. Does she have the Mormon hair? That's what I always imagine. You know, that's like a whole I do know what you're referring. She's a little bit older than like the Mormon hair, then like the mom talk.
Yeah. So, there's a whole like you can tell the look and it's the not quite blonde, but sort of beachy blonde wave, but it's not a curl, but it's like a loose wave and it's very long and there's usually not a ton of volume up top. Have you watched Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? They all have the same hair. That's who it's all based on. Like that if you see an ad like that's what it is
all based on. Although I did realize I'm like a lot of the like there are some really cute shops in Utah for sure and I realized I was like oh all of the shops that I shop at online me and the Mormon mom talk are all shopping at the same places which I've embraced. They have cute clothes. Sometimes you do just have to lean in to those sorts of situations. You know we accept the clothes we leave the soaking. Um, and the magic underwear. And the magic personally. The magic
underwear. Yes. Um, yeah. So, Bob is getting rubbed on Emily's [ __ ] Larry's inside of her right back in as Emily comes. Bob also comes um and leaks. He's very excited. He leaks. He feels a little hole puncture and he like leaks his seed onto her. Mhm. And I just imagine someone with in a kitchen with a knife trying to chop a tomato that's like too juicy of a tomato or the knife is too dull and it Yes. And like when it and the tomato just squishes. Yeah. That's the seed I'm imagining. 100%.
Yeah. Like it just Yeah. I can't. Nope. No. Right. So Bob's vision blurs away. He like loses his consciousness. Mhm. Emily wakes up later from her orgasm and juice nap and is like, "Man, forgot how nice that feels. It's been a while." Uh, and finds two men at the end of her bed. Don't worry, it is Bob and Larry. It's not two new ones. But even still, it's very jarring. Yeah, she masturbated with two fruit and woke up with both priests in her room. Wow. That would make me spiral.
That would be the experience that would be like, "Please forgive me. I will never do drugs or drink ever again. I'm going to go completely like freaking vegan raw. I will I swear to God. Like, no GMOs. Just please fully GMOs cuz I need to stay away from the produce. I can't go raw vegan. Raw vegan is what got us into this situation. Holy, I will get scurvy. God damn it. Oh no, not god damn it. Please forgive me.
Yeah. Yeah. And she's also wrestling with she's like, I don't want to become a nun, but maybe this is the right path for me. And then smash cut two dudes in her bed. Well, I'm also like there are other options. Like why is it not in her mind? Yeah. Yeah. It's one extreme or the other. Like you don't have to be a nun and you also don't have to [ __ ] a tomato. The tagline for the show. Like in fact that ven diagram is two separate circles. Like there's no overlap. No overlap on that.
Zero overlap on that one. So as Larry's coming to he's like whoa. Like he's really groggy. He's like, "I had the craziest dream that I was this cucumber and like Bob was in it and he was a tomato." But then Bob is kind of like, "Wait, what?" He was a very wideeyed tomato in this moment. Yes. Cuz Bob's like, "Wait, I had a dream that I was a tomato and you were a cucumber." And like they're like looking at Emily and like everyone's trying to put it together and then they're like,
"Wait." And cuz then Emily's like, "Well, I did." Also, props to Emily for confessing this because she says to them, "I did bring a cucumber and a tomato into my room with me." Um, which is a a daring confession in this moment. I was going to make a Greek salad. Cut a little sleepy. I would absolutely not. I would make some [ __ ] up. Was that Greek salad going to be tossed or Hey, that was so bad. I'm so sorry. Anyway, not the Greek salad. I don't know why I went for a Greek
salad. I could have gone for a nice tibuli, but I didn't. So, after Emily confesses that she did bring a cucumber and tomato into her room with her last night, they're like, "Well, where are they?" So, they're like looking and they cannot find the cucumber and tomato anymore and realize that they were sentient fruit. Um, and Larry is pondering out loud if this was a gift from God. Um, I'm pondering if they got
into some weird mushrooms. Like, it's wild to me that they're like, "Obviously, we were we were the the cucumber and the tomato." I mean, that's the only logical thing. it so easily. So [ __ ] fast. Well, it was weird, but we both saw it, right? We both saw it. You know what? We were fruit. We didn't sin. We're still good. No foraging on the back 40 anymore. That's me. But then Bob is also very much suddenly like, well, we're not fruit anymore. And like just takes off. Sorry, but are they naked?
No. That is something that they do address is it's very interesting when they shift, they stay clothed. Yep. All right. So, when she woke up and both of them were in her room with her, they were wearing the pajamas that they had fallen asleep wearing in the garden that night. Okay. So, you would think there would be a cucumber with a white t-shirt and navy pajama pants would give it away, but you would think that. I don't know. Plot. There's there's a little gap there, but we're fine.
You know what? I like that they don't over complicate it. They're just like, "The clothes stay on. Don't worry about it. Don't question it." Much like your belief in God, don't question it. [Music] Sorry. Um, but Bob is also very much like, "I'm about to take advantage of you. We aren't fruit anymore. We need to ask God for some guidance ASAP." And just leaves. Um, Bob is really great at just leaving. He's very good at leaving. Quite frankly, it is my biggest hangup with Bob.
Say more about that. Well, as we continue in the book, Yep. like like Bob gets himself into a lot of situ like like very intense emotionally charged situations and then just like bails and he does it several times. He does. He gets a little pouty. I'm going to be real. Yeah. But also once again does kind of feel like how Veggie's about. I was about to say that. It sounds cannon though. Yeah, actually. Like I have the same thought.
I was like I feel weird cuz it kind of feels like Bob's a little [ __ ] but also Bob is a could be a little [ __ ] right? Like Yeah. Out of he and Larry, Larry was the cool hang. He was the cool hang. No one wanted to hang with Bob. Maybe they did. I just didn't know those people. If you wanted to hang with Bob, we probably weren't friends. That's a great take. M yeah, but I don't I mean but like Larry had silly songs.
I was going to say Larry had like you and me in our sport utility vehicle which Bob did not have the same approachability, you know. No, he did not. Total sidebar. You just referenced it. Have we talked about silly songs with Laurent yet? We haven't. Okay, we're getting there. Yeah. I mean, there is like a reference later because he's singing Everybody Wants a Water Buffalo later on. Oh my god. Right. So, the next day, Bob avoids them all day. Is like, "We need to go and pray and ask God for
guidance." And by guidance, I mean how to stay away from y'all cuz I'm not ready to have adult conversations. So, it is now time for afternoon confessionals. So, Bob is in the booth waiting for the confessionals. Um, and Larry enters and is like, "Forgive me, father, but also we need to talk. Like, sorry, man. We this like we we turned into fruit last night. Like, you really just going to walk away?" I was inside her like as a cucumber.
Like, that's what I'm imagining the energy he has is like, "Dude." Well, and Larry's like, "Did it make you question anything?" And Bob's like, "Is that all it took for you to start questioning?" And Larry's like, "Bro, we've turned into [ __ ] produce." Like, of course I'm questioning [ __ ] I was a cucumber that she inserted inside of her. Is that all it took for me to question? Like, what more do you need, dude? Like,
Jesus Christ. And that is the difference between the youth group kids who are now still church adults and the rest of us. It's exactly right. We're all asking the same questions, but given the context, two completely different story lines. Yeah. I think we're all Larry in this situation. Yeah. Everybody in this room looking at a Bob being like that's all it took for you to question and you're like I mean yeah in this house we're all Larry. I'm going to get a Larry Prince made for
each of y'all for Christmas. And just enough time is going to pass that you're going to forget about it and then you're going to unwrap a gift. I will die. It's going to be incredible. I'm going to show up with something that's like instead of in this house we serve the Lord. It's just in this house we Larry. So many phallic references. Yeah, I can go with the sign my sister has that says tits out, bits out doing God's work in her kitchen. She does have that. I'm obsessed. Oh my gosh.
I didn't know your sister had that sign. It's very good. How's her alias show going? It's pretty good. Is it still going? I don't know if she's put out a new episode recently, but Won, do you know about her sister's alias show? I know nothing. Give me a contest. Do you remember the Jennifer Garner show, Alias? Of course. So, my younger sister who is queer, married, living in Virginia, and she is obsessed with it, okay?
And so, she has started making videos of like deep dives of alias story lines, okay? and like how anti-Asian most of them are and like it is it's Is she still dressing up like the characters though? She does have wigs cuz you know Jennifer Garner and her wigs at that [ __ ] show. She's about to get one more YouTube subscriber. Yes. When Hannah and my sister starting a thing, I was like, "What? This is incredible." So it's like deep dives, not fanfiction.
Oh yeah. No, she like goes all the way into the storyline and like you know where like these Asian actors who like aren't even really Asian, where did they come from or like you know these stereotypes they're leaning into in the show and it's it's just yeah wow she brings me a lot of joy. So, I officiated her wedding and the only guidance I received for the ceremony was they wanted something about gardening and Danny DeVito and that was it. That was all I received.
So, there was a Tik Tok filter a couple of years ago that was like, take a photo of someone, it'll turn them into a Harry Potter character. I took a photo of my husband. It turned him into Hermione, but it gave him like a short wide bob that looked very Danny DeVito. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I had been telling a coworker about it one day and she thought it was like the funniest video cuz I had showed it to her.
Uh that same day our exterminator was coming to spray and he was walking through my office and she thought it was Vance walking into my office and just goes well if it isn't the Danny Devito I see that's so good and then she just sees my faces I'm going so completely completely unrelated but genuinely my favorite tweet of all time was some like aquarium or something tweeted that the um barnacle has the largest penis compared to its body mass of any
creature on the planet. And Danny DeVito replied and said, "Please stop calling me the barnacle." And when I tell you I think about that once a week, I think about that once a week. You're like, "This is my Roman Empire." Yes. I'm like, it was in like 2016. Please stop calling me the Barnacle. Just so good. A [ __ ] national treasure if ever there was one.
Truly. So, the only way I could figure to work Danny Devito into that wedding ceremony was just to say, "By the power vested in me by Danny Devito, I now pronounce you married." Did you have to say the state of Georgia as well or just standing? No, because I had done the actual marriage license before. So, this was just like, you know, for family and friends and stuff. So,
I went to a wedding. That was the first wedding where I like really realized that was happening cuz I went, "Wow, this these vows are out of pocket for an actual like official." I'm like, "What is happening here? Is this legal? I was like, "Oh, they already signed the legally binding agreement. This is just for shits and giggles." So, we had to do the marriage license twice because my they wanted you to put your title on the license. And I was like, I don't have a title. I got this
[ __ ] on the internet like what? And my sister just wrote in the gay reverend. And they rejected it and said that is not a real title. So, we had to do it again. I like that your sister was the one who like your sister's own marriage license got rejected because of her addition to it. The gay reverend. My sister didn't want to be the matron of honor because she thought it sounded frumpy. Yeah. So, she was listed everywhere as our Duchess of Matrimony. Oh my god, I remember that.
That's very good. You were there. You were in it. I was I was there. Yeah. You You stood up by my husband at the altar. I did. And said, "I'll make sure he keeps these vows." Not that there was ever any doubt. Right. I was like, "Cool, man. You're fine." One of the easiest job ever. One of my uh like my parents lifelong friends who
were at our wedding. uh she's a wedding planner and she was actually just she wasn't our wedding planner but she was very kind and was helping me with my wedding dress when I was like trying to use the restroom and helping bustle it and it was still just like I think of it relatively often. She she was talking about cuz she'd never met Vance before, just saw him at our wedding and she goes, "Looking at you all together, it's really nice to see how into you he is."
And I was like, "Oh, okay." Cuz she was her daughter is like a year or two younger than me and had like d like married to a wonderful man now, but like had dated a couple [ __ ] along the way. And she was like, "Yeah, like that's how like my daughter's like most recent boyfriend looks at her like just like he's so in like you can tell it's legit." And I remember being like, "Oh, that's really lovely." Yes. And I will also say this, shout out to Laura
Wade. Wherever you are in the universe right now, she has the ability to pick like the perfect like whimsical and practical thing off a registry. Like the thing that you're like, "Oh, this was fun, but like like this is fun. I don't necessarily need it, but it's not so frivolous it won't be utilized." She my wedding registry and my baby registry. She did it both times. I was like, I don't know what your registry witch power is, but you have it. You can just look and be like, this is
this is the gift for them. I'm like, yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that's a power I want to have. Cuz I'm usually like, I see towels. Got them. And I'm like, well, that's a cool looking blender. The shower starts in an hour, so everything else was already purchased. Um, I've done that. I'm just going to ship some diapers to your house. Mhm. And honestly, what a gift that is, right? Like, like it works just as well. Yeah. Okay. Where were we? Bob, Larry, Bob, Larry.
Bob ran away cuz Yeah, Larry's like, "Yeah, maybe I am questioning some things." Sorry. Yeah, Bob came in hot with the existential questions that we were all asking ourselves at one point in our lives. Larry is talking about how like it like he's like it felt holy. Like what happened with Emily like felt like a spiritual experience at some level. Um and then he is like, "Well, since I'm at confession, I'm I'm going to confess." Mhm.
I jerk off as often as I can. It's like he's confessing this to Bob and Bob's like, "Yeah, like I've I've jerked off, too." And Bob's like, "Oh, no." Larry's like, "Oh, I thought you didn't I thought you stopped after seminary." And I was like, "You thought this man had not hadn't ejaculated in 15 years?" Yeah. Also, what does that do to someone's psyche if you have not come for 15 years? That's right. Nothing good.
And Larry also said that the last time he had sex was the day before he left for seminary. Yeah, but Larry's also come since then. That's true. But yeah, what is it?
Right. I'm like if you are like well and he's come with another person even if he wasn't actually touching him like the connection was still there in some way at least for a little while you know but yeah that can mess with your psyche just hard stop for the next 15 years oh my gosh yeah I'm like okay so 15 years of like repressing everything and also not having an outlet let her a space to talk or process through it, I think is is another big aspect of that for sure.
So, as they have confessed that they've like both continued to masturbate through the years, even though they were apparently doing that in secret, Bob is getting aroused. He starts like unzipping his pants and then Larry is unzipping his pants and then they are they both just masturbate on either side of the confessional booth. Mhm. Yeah. And like Larry is like also real good at dirty talk. Like Larry's like asking if Bob is thinking of him like
imagining. He's like I'm imagining your like your lips around my [ __ ] right now. I'm like you are good sir. Yeah. that mouth though. He's like, I've been I've been imagining using these words for 15 years. A lot of time to think about it. Yes. Yeah. 1,000%. And honestly, good for him for saying them out loud. Not feeling not feeling shy about it. Just being like, "Oh, this is the moment. Let's go. It's my time to shine."
So now it's like the next night, so like two full business days have kind of passed. Yeah. Well, cuz Emily's like, "I'm annoyed. It's been 2 days and they haven't talked to me about any." And then when she's like I'm like, "Okay, so that was yesterday morning. The whole day passed. They didn't talk to you last night. It's now the end of the next day. Got it." I'm like, I feel like that this is a weird situation, Emily. You're allowed to take two days to process that you turned into a tomato.
But it would be hell awkward to like all technically be in the same space and just be like, "Okay." Yeah. Tiptoeing around this parish. Well, and that is valid. And that Emily's like, "I'm not going to tiptoe around. We're going to have a conversation about this." So when she makes dinner that night, she sets a plate for herself as well. And she's like, "We're going to have this conversation." She's like, "Dinner's ready. Come on." Like, "Let's
let's talk." What about Emily? And so as they're like talking, it's like she asks like if they like know why it happened. She like, "Is it a God thing that this happened?" Um, I do have the the quote written. Nothing in the Bible suggests this has happened before, but it could still be a God thing. You know, I read through the the source material, didn't find anything. Not even in the apocryphal, you guys. It wasn't even in the deep cuts. You know, I feel like that's the mindset
of a lot of people in America now. He's like, "It's not in the Bible, but this could still be a God thing." and then gestures broadly [ __ ] that's happening. They're just like, "Close enough." I feel like he would have said it though. Like maybe he didn't technically say it, but like he would have said it. That's the energy of like half the Tik Tockers now. Like Well,
this neck move. Yes. And I'm also like not to like get too theological about it, but I'm like Jesus had no issues speaking his mind and his opinions on things. Very true. No, I'm thinking of the talking donkey. Do you remember what's his name? On the road and the donkey. I've been out of seminary for long enough that you went the talking donkey and I went, "Yeah, Shrek." That's a different GM fairy book apparently. Yes. Eddie Murphy.
I'm now imagining Eddie Murphy in that Bible story and it's a lot better. So much better. It's so much better. But the donkeyy's wearing the purple suit from Raw and it's just completely unhinged. Anyway, so as they're having this conversation, like, you know, nothing in scripture says this is bibl biblical, but like maybe it's still a god thing. He works in mysterious ways. They then suddenly remember the old witch lady and the cloak. Sure. Sure. Um, cloak equals witch. Everybody knows that.
You get it. And maybe it's the cloak with the weird prophetic words, right? Not just the cloak. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. But if it's a cloak and she has a mole, it probably Yeah. They make a reference to her being like, I was so close to the boil on her nose. I'm like, did you just watch Snow White 5 minutes before watching this? Right. And how close did you get to her? Right. Yeah. I'm like, so she was standing there, but like how close were you? Had that question as well.
Yeah. So, uh, Bob is like remembering that it's like, you know, like she mentioned the harvest moon and that like things would be brought to light. Uh, fruits of your something. Fruits of your souls. Yes. Not fruits of the spirit. Yes. Not a similar but different. Um, Emily asks like if it'll if they like think it'll happen again and they say no. And then there's just like a loud popping sound and then there she's just like, "Oh man, I'm just sitting here with two sexy veggies."
I just wanted to see Hannah's face. Yeah. Sexy veggies. Sexual vegetables. It's all in there. Vegetables. Oh god. Do you remember that old like parody song by Dave Loenstein that Sexual Professional? Uhhuh. Yeah. Okay. Hey, that was a deep cut. I'm glad someone knew it. Speech Trainers LLC was his full band. Big fan back in the day. Oh, yes. I'm a sexual professional and I thought you all should know that my that my testicles are flexible. At least in terms of who they need to
know. It's on a need to know basis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's on that's what I remember is it's on a need to know basis. on a need to know basis cuz I'm a sexual professional. I'm a sexual professional. I thought you should know. I want you to know you're about to [ __ ] up my Spotify rap. The great news is I'm probably not. You might. I'm going to [ __ ] up your YouTube browsing history from like 0708. Your algorithm is but your Spotify wrapped will be intact. It's going to be intact.
So Emily keeps her hands to herself, all things considered, brings Larry and Bob into her room and just places them gently on the floor. Um, on the floor. I have that thought. Why not? Yeah. Not even on the bed. On the dress. Well, the dresser if they turn back into humans. Oh, I was going to say open a dresser drawer and place them gently so they can be comfortable like a baby in the 1920s. No. Do you remember when we reviewed The Haunted Vagina? Uh, no. I repressed it pretty hard.
Yes, I remember. Walls. Okay. There was a scene in The Haunted Vagina where he was trying to climb back out of her vagina. Yeah. Sorry, Weston. You weren't here for that one. No, I'm in this. He was trying to climb out of her vagina cuz he fell through the portal that was in her vagina. Yes. Got it. Um, but by that point she was driving. The car had jeans on. So she told him he had to stay in there because she couldn't stop moving. She couldn't pull over. So she's like, "Get
back in there, bro." So he had to stay in her vagina. Um, and that's what I imagine if we put Larry and Bob in drawers, then they're just trying to get back out and the drawers aren't big and stay in there. They're like one leg out like so nothing really happened. They just were vegetables in her room, but they're all human again in the
morning. And it seems as though now Robert Bob has changed his tune a little bit because he's like, I'm not sure why he chose to turn us into vegetables, but if I'm a tomato, I'm I'm not a man of God. I'm just a veggie and veggies can't sin. So I'm like, it really feels like we're doing some mental gymnastics. It feels like when you're like, if I have anal sex, I'm still a virgin. Right. Right. Right. It doesn't count. We're going back to so butt sex for Jesus.
It doesn't count. But sex. So if my friend is on the corner of the bed shaking it, but I'm not moving. Right. Then I'm not sinning. Correct. Meanwhile, in the kink community, people are like, "You kind of basically had a threesome." Like, right? Like Oh, so you brought a third into the scene. Yeah. Love that for you. We're such a weird species, dude. Dude, um it seems as though they all agree in this moment that they will explore the space as veggies. Mhm. Um and the space.
So they're like, "We now consent." Oh, yeah. They were talking about how experience they've ever had. The holiest. It was like they sorry they Yeah. They were like I we've never felt this way before. But there was something that unlocked when we were a cucumber and a tomato. Let's explore this. But only if we're a cucumber and a tomato. That's right. Cuz veggies can't sin. Yeah. Cuz we aren't sinning. If that is the situation.
Yes. So as they get up to leave, they morph again back into a cucumber and a tomato. And Emilyy's like, "Well, no time like the present." So she gets naked, is rubbing Bob on her [ __ ] again, inserts Larry. Also, just here throwing this out there, if Bob leaked his tomato seed, logic would tell us that maybe Larry also leaked his cucumber seed, do we have concerns about a UTI? If you are inserting a vegetable within yourself and it's leaking,
I do. Yes. I genuinely was like, so several questions including but not limited to are we concerned about a UTI or yeast infection, but also like we don't know the situation for pregnancy here. Like Oh god. Yeah. What kind of seed? How much of them morphed? Oh my gosh. You can just make your own garden now, right? No. No. I'm so No, no, no. I'm imagining as children when we were all told that if you eat a watermelon seed, you will grow a watermelon. And she's got this
big belly. And it's like, I don't know. Could be. His Have you met Bob? His dad's a a cucumber, so can't tell. I hate it. Both Bob and Larry are now uh practicing wiggling their bodies a little bit. So now they vibrate. which for everyone's pleasure. I was going to say, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody wins here. Um, and at this point, Larry's having such a great time. He's like, I might just want to stay a cucumber. He's like, I feel more like myself than I felt in so long. This is great. Poor
Larry. I hope when I come back, I come back as like, you know, a sunflower. I just hang out for one season. I turn towards the sun. people take pictures and then I'm done. Like that sounds great. It sounds like he's like, you know, Yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't have to worry about anything. Don't have to worry about sinning. I just wiggle my body a little bit. We got I just do that shoulder shimmy from that one Icy Hot commercial with Shaq. Shack. What a great pull.
You know what I'm talking about. I use that gif at least like five times a week. Yes, it's a solid one. That is a solid Okay. Um I don't even know. She was [ __ ] home again. Oh yeah, that's a Larry was living his best life. That's a cucumber. He doesn't want to go back. He was. And I get it. When you've been repressing yourself for 15 years and you suddenly feel free again. Yeah, I get it. They've now returned their human form.
It's Sunday morning. Larry was a bit distracted throughout the week, so it's not his best sermon. Um, he almost like drops an fbomb from the pulpit at one point. Is like make uses a weird analogy that's like, yeah, sorry. It's like, what does he say? He goes, it's just like when I got my lip stuck on that gate, you know, and Bob's like, what the [ __ ] are you talking about? Your lip stuck on a gate. Like nothing. Absolute crickets. Yeah. Which is another veggie.
I was gonna say that's a veggie dale. I got my lips stuck in a gate. Yeah. Something something something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that No, I was singing the Got my lipstick to to a gate to the water buffalo. They're different songs. They are different songs. Sorry everyone. I apologize. What sort of lowlevel podcast are we offering that I'm messing up? When I tell you right now that Weston said, "I did some research." And I was like, "You did what?" Just a little bit of research.
Yeah. I had to unlock some memories. Different energies. Different energies. So, Bishop Archabald um did decide to do Yeah. Did a surprise visit. Wasn't he asparagus? I think that's right. Archie. Wasn't he asparagus? Archie the asparagus. Hang on. Dang. Or was he broccoli? I knew there were references I was missing. No, like Gail and Archable. You're right. Archable asparagus. Nailed it. Nice. Thank you. With the professor glasses. Mhm. Yeah. As soon as you Yeah.
I'm like, "Yeah, with the glasses." He was the dad to the little one. Oh, yeah. His name I don't Yeah. Junior. Oh. Uhhuh. And the dad is in the got my lip stuck in a gate song. But um Bishop Archerald is not thrilled with Larry's sermon and performance. Um underperformed a little bit. So they get a talking to in private. Um and so after like the bishop leaves, Bob and Larry are talking and Bob's like, "Don't let them see who we are in
private." Like I know like we like we swear a lot when we're like behind closed doors, but like you can't do those things in front of the congregation. And Larry's kind of like maybe I don't want to be a separate person in private. Maybe I just like want to be who I am at all times. Like maybe I want more. And Bob is like wow turning into a cucumber and getting put inside Emily has made you real selfish. Like what a sentiment. Yeah. Yes. He's like this whole No. Like,
stop. Don't question these things. Like, we can no longer [ __ ] around as vegetables if you're going to question these things. At no point have I known what you were going to say next to me. Yeah, that's fair. But there is something about the idea of being like if turning into a cucumber at night is giving you an existential crisis during the day like we can't do this anymore. There's something about that sentiment that is just
sending me well. And it's interesting how quickly they vacasillate, right? Because as soon as they turned in to produce, they were like, maybe this is a gift from God. And then as soon as this has all happened and like he had a bad sermon in front of the bishop, Bob's like, "Maybe God sent the bishop here as a warning." Like, "No, you can't have both. You can't have that." It's like both a gift from God and you're now being warned against engaging in it.
You need to decide. Is this a test or is this a gift? Yeah. Yes. And Larry's asking Bob like not to shut this down and like not to like step away from it. Bob saying he like doesn't want all of this to ruin them. I'm like, Bob, you're so [ __ ] dramatic. Yeah, he's being the pity party. And Larry's just leaning into it. Just embracing those carnal desires. Larry's energy is far more like, you know, everyone has a bad Sunday. Oh
well. Like, and Bob's like, "This is a sign that we can no longer let Emily rub us against herself when she when we are vegetables and not able to move our bodies outside of vibrate for her pleasure, right? And Larry's like, "What's for lunch?" Is it tomatoes? Because Larry would be into that. And as this is escal, like in this tense moment, Larry ends up kissing Bob. Bob returns the kiss. They have this like very emotional kiss and then Bob runs
out. As I said, Bob kind of runs out like a [ __ ] Yeah. Several time. I'm like, I want great things for Bob in life and I need him to stop running out of the room when things get hard. Seriously. Yes. Well, and it's like, you know, if you are an internal processor and you need time, you can say, "I need time to process. I promise I'm going to like we're going to address it though." Like, and then you step away if that's what you need to do.
Yeah. Um Bob's response instead and so we're actually about to switch to Emily's perspective. Emily's really annoyed and it's related to Bob because Bob just slid a note under her door that was like, "Hey, like this arrangement is done. Signed Bob and Larry." Signed for both of them. Yeah. Which Larry had nothing to do with it. Yes. So like Emily's out in the garden annoyed cuz like they haven't even said anything to her. He just like slipped a note under the door.
Feels like the priestly equivalent of a breakup text. Yes. 1,000%. So she's annoyed, but she does like hear guitar music or something. So she like starts wandering and following the music and finds Larry in the woods playing Everybody Wants a Water Buffalo. Mhm. Yours is fast but mine is slow. Yeah. That wasn't the line that they had in the book in a way that I'm like I don't recognize the line. Like everybody wants a water buffalo. Yours is fast but mine is slow. Where' they come from? I
don't know. Everybody wants took my water took my buffalo to a store, got his tail stuck in a door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that one. Yeah. Silly songs with Larry, man. Yeah. So good. YouTube it if you're not familiar, right? Yeah. I would say I would say you're welcome. But it's going to be weirder. You're going to make this is what they were referencing. Yeah, it is. It is gonna be significantly weirder. So, if you don't have the trauma to go along with it, it makes no sense.
First, did I say I wish I had told you to pause and go check out Silly Songs with Larry before we continue the episode so you'd have some context. Well, and like there's even like she's like, "Oh, like do you like enjoy writing songs?" Like, "Yeah, I'd love to have like silly songs with Laurent on like Sundays at like the church or the kids in the future." Y heard.
Yep. But also Larry can tell she's in a bit of a mood and she's like, "Well, yeah, getting a signed letter that all this is done is like not a great way that this could have been." And Larry's like, "What? I Bob freaking a like I had no idea." So like we Larry's very quick to be like, "I did not sign my name on that letter. That was all Bob. I know nothing about this. I continue to consent." Yes, he continues to consent in a real
way. Um because like within about 20 seconds it escalates where Emily's like, "Well, if Bob I know like Bob seems like Bob is if Bob weren't in charge and you were in charge, how would you handle this situation?" And he's like, "I'd start by kissing you." Yes, of course. Of course. That's the logical. We've reached the moment. Don't speak about it. Be about it. Yep. It escalates. He ends up eating her out
in the woods. They then raw dog it and then afterwards he realizes like she's like, "I just [ __ ] a priest and not as a cucumber. Like I just [ __ ] an actual priest." Yeah. Yeah, baby girl, you did. Like you you didn't realize that until after. Like you He's not a cucumber right now. I thought it was obvious that he wasn't a cucumber right now. Yeah, she's not dreaming. He's not unzipping pants and there's a cucumber down there. This is real. I got to say that like without um
interference from substances. I can't say that I've ever been like, "Oh, I just did that." in a sexual context like specifically like right well I think it's more of like like it feels like the natural progression and then afterward she's like oh right you know he wasn't a cucumber now that you mention it he had five not five 10 fingers and 10 toes I was like five What? The pause on your face like nope.
I just straight up did not finish a book where the guy was cursed and so his dick had four heads on it and I was like if you're about what are you saying to me? I was like I was all buckled up and ready. You can't do that. I have questions. I really hated it. So I only made it like 17% in. Oh 17% in and he already had a foreheaded dick. Yeah. Mhm. Okay. As someone who's never had a penis, Weston. Yes. Does that sound intriguing to you as a
dude? Or are you like, "No, that sounds like a nightmare and a half." Yeah. Nightmare and a half. Are you kidding me? I didn't even get to a sex scene to be like, "Do how do they all What where do you put them all? Like, what are you doing?" Logistically, we have questions. I was like, "I don't care enough to find out." So, as a fantasy, you're like, "Oh, yeah, I could pleasure four women at the same
time." But then physically, like that, no. You're like, "I'm just trying to shoot into one urinal." You're like the sprinkler they used to put in the yard for kids to like You were born for the trough at baseball stadiums. You're just in there alphaing every dude just like check it four streams.
Yeah, you're definitely not waiting like you either are waiting for a stall in shame where you're like I just need to do this in private or you're like hey everybody look at my foreheaded dick intimidation stations. Yes, I needed to have the alpha status of this restroom. Truest park. Men are weird creatures. Okay, confirm. Cuz in that situation, I'll be a beta. Thank you. I don't feel the need for the alpha designation. I got to be honest. Fair enough.
If it requires a foreheaded penis. Real talk, if I can increase the flow by four times though and get out of the bathroom in like 10 seconds, that sounds kind kind of great though. Okay. From a utilitarian standpoint, I understand the draw, right? Yeah. Um, but from a practical logistical standpoint, everything else is negative. Yeah, for sure. Imagine having a Jacob's ladder piercing Oh. on a foreheaded dick. Now you've got eight streams. [Laughter] That's a Prince Albert. That's a different
Prince Albert. You're right. I don't know why. I was like, you can't. It just becomes a Prince Albert. That's a Prince Albert. You're right. Okay. So, into Pounded by Pro 10 fingers and one a oneheaded penis. One a Yes. So grateful to have established. Well, and like they like finish having sex and she realizes she [ __ ] a priest. And that's just like kind of where the scene ends. We're now switched
back to Bob's perspective. He's in his office, hasn't really talked to Emily since he slid the note under her door, but is looking out his office window and sees her like trying to jump up into a tree for something and then starts to see her climbing the tree and is like, "What? No, she's going to hurt herself. How could she do that? Let me run out and make sure she's safe." Bob's kind of annoying in that way. Um, and so he like rushes out to like
scold her and help her. And then he tells her, he's like, "Okay, take a step back onto this branch." She misses the branch, falls into his arms, falls onto him, they fall onto the ground, and then he climbs the tree for her. Her hat blew off in the wind. It blew into the tree. He's climbing the tree for her hat. Okay. She's very impressed with his tree climbing abilities. Yes. What we all look for in a mate.
Yes. Now, what I will say is this is seems like there is a little moment between them because she's like, "Wow, like you're really good at this." He's like, "It's one of my hobbies like tree climbing." She's like, "Really?" And he's like, I was being a little facicious. He's like, "Woodworking is one of my hobbies." And he's like, "What are your hobbies?" And she's like, "Oh, actually like I don't really think I
have any." And like gives him a little bit of context into like the relationship she escaped from and just kind of figuring out her footing. Um, but then Bob is like suddenly like, "I need to apologize. We took advantage of you. We were supposed to be authority figures as like priests and like we took advantage of you." And Emily's like, "Bob, you turned into into a tomato and I rubbed you on my [ __ ] Like, be so for real right now. Like, you you did not take advantage
of anything. Like, be so for real, man. He took advantage of me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And something about Emily just looking at the priest like be so for real right now, man. Like like verbatim quote. It was so good. That's very good. No, you did not take advantage of me. I rubbed you against my person when you were a tomato. And then he's like, well, like you can trust, like Bob's like, trust me,
nothing will happen again. And Emily's like, "Well, what if something already has happened again?" Because she did already [ __ ] Larry out in the woods. Bob didn't see that coming. Is not thrilled about the turn of turn of events and gets very like grabs her and he's like, "Well, what happened? Tell me what happened." Yeah. Bob's jealous. Yeah. Like Bob is very jealous, demanding clarification. And Emily's like, "Why would you get angry at me for messing around with the love of your life?"
Oh. Hey, [ __ ] you, Emily. Way to come. Emily's like, "I have so had enough. Let me tell you about yourself." Seriously, like respect to Emily. She started off like, "I don't know what I'm doing in my life." And now she's calling these guys out for their [ __ ] It's great. I like it. Well, and she also asked, she's like, "Who are you jealous of? Like, who are like what?" And then Bob kind of realizes he's like, "Oh, I'm not jealous of one or the other." He's like, "I just feel left
out." M um FOMO. Yes. And so then he bite like goes to kiss her, bites her lip really hard to the point that she like pushes him back and like screams a little and he's like no more and walks away. Yeah. See, Bob's a [ __ ] Yeah, Bob. But also like once again, true to canon. Yeah. Way to go, GM Fairy. Can't fault you. Like this was not lazy research. She nailed it. I know. I'm like, this is how I feel like Bob would respond and how Larry would respond.
Yeah. Emily can't sleep that night, you know, which makes sense. There's a lot going on. She goes to the chapel. She decides to go into the confessional for like the first time in her life because she's never been a religious person and is just like talking out loud telling God about the two hot priests and just like what wishes someone would tell her what to do and how to move forward. And then the door opens and Bob's standing there. He's back. I'll tell you what to do. Exactly.
Not even I'll tell you what to do. On your knees. There it is. Yep. Yep. And Emily's like, "Say less tomato." Texas size 104, bud. Yeah, you're [ __ ] 10fly, bud. He is. He then just like pretty much face [ __ ] her. She's super into it. She's rubbing herself off while he's face [ __ ] her. And once again, he comes down her throat and then goes, "Never again." And just runs off into the night again. I'm like, "Bob, Bob, be so for real right now, Bob.
Yeah. And then we learn her perspective and she was so into it. I'm sure. Oh, yeah. So into it. Well, and also you're sitting there being like, I this man just came down my throat. I've just come and now I'm just sitting here catching my breath as he takes off in a chapel. Yeah. Yeah. Lesson learned. Communicate, Bob. ask a question because then you learn no, she's into it and all your problems are solved, right? Yeah. A lot of a lot of his problems are
solved by knowing that it's mutual. It's like God save us for men trying to save us. Like we got it like Yes. So now it's what probably like the next night. I don't know. Time's fluid. Yeah. Yeah. There's it's not great detail. And you know what? Who cares? We don't need it. We're we're not lacking it, but we're It's Emily's perspective and she once again is like calling a dinner meeting to be like, "Hey, we got to clear the air, figure
this all out." Um, and so Larry starts off and is like looks at Bob's like, "I asked Emily if you knew that we fucked." And Bob's like, "Did she tell you that we fucked?" And Emily's kind of like, "Okay, stop." Like we we we didn't technically [ __ ] you came down my throat if we're going to split hairs. Right.
But I think the the funniest part about all of this is that after Bob's like, "Did she tell you we fucked?" They can they both confirm that it happened when they were humans and not vegetable. They're like human, right? Like Yeah. Yeah. All right. Cool. But I mean that is important in noting that like Yeah, it is. The relationship has moved to the next level. Yes. It has progressed for sure. We're all active participants. Larry is wanting to continue this arrangement.
Bob says no. Emily is annoyed at Bob for trying to choose for them all. Um and Larry's like, "Okay, well, like I if you want to stay and like keeps like I can leave and like be with Emily sort of energy." Yeah. And Bob's like, "Okay, then leave."
Larry's like, "So you'd be okay with like watching me make her mine?" and then decides to like start progressing that in general like goes over starts like playing with her boobs like putting his hand down her pants and then it suddenly escalates to the point where like Bob is watching them. He now has his dick out of his pants and is masturbating watching them. Larry now has Emily bent over the table as he's [ __ ] her. They're all about to reach the inevitable conclusion of the scene.
Does Gail show up? Gail does show up. Yeah. Count it. And is mortified. End of chapter. They hear a scream. And you'd initially be like, "Yeah, of course you scream. It's the end of the orgasm." Like, "Oh, no. It's Gail. It's Gail." What was that book? Uh, Altered by Fire where the nun died. She walked in on them having an orgy and the nun had a heart attack. I mean, they were [ __ ] her with the prayer candle. on the alter. On the altar. Yeah. That she was tied to. Yeah. With their vestments.
They weren't real priest in that one. In that one, they were like undercover like spies or something. Spies or mercenaries or something who were pretending to be priests to keep an eye on this
one villain. Yeah. who's then his daughter happened to come seek refuge in the church and then just starts she was seeking refuge after her dad killed her boyfriend while they were [ __ ] he like shot him in the head while they were [ __ ] so she goes to seek refuge at the church and then just [ __ ] the four fake priests. Yeah, you're welcome. You don't need to read it now. Thank god it listen to the episode. It is an episode if you if you do want to
go back and hear it in its entirety. But a nurse, not a nurse, a nun, very different. The nun needed a nurse because when she showed up, um, she was a bit taken back that they were [ __ ] her with the prayer candle and she died. And she and she died of shock. She died. The end. The end. That's all you need to know. So now it's like the next day. They're not priests anymore. They're just normal men now. Yep. Bishop Archable has been called took off the collars. Yep. They did.
Um, which technically they're trials in a month. Go for it. What were you going to say? Take a guess. We obviously hear both of their perspectives. We hear Larry's. We hear Bob's. Take a guess on what Larry's perspective is and what Bob's perspective is. Larry is probably like, "Cool beans. Get to be with Emily. All right, let's see what happens next. I'm enjoying myself. And Bob is probably more We're being punished by the Lord for defiling whatever. Yes. Yeah. And what does Bob want to do?
End it. Oh, that got darker. Join a monastery. No, not not his life. a relationship. And Bob was served with some lovely bara and balsamic vinegar at the end. And then the tomato got involuntarily hospitalized. They had margarita pizza in Bob's memory. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No, I really meant the relationship. Okay. Okay. Bob just wants to end it all. The relationship. Yes. And he wants to move to a monastery and become a monk. He's leaving tomorrow.
Yes. Also, what monasteries accept new monks that quickly? Right. The ones that I Yeah. I don't know. Plot holes be plot hole. Yeah. Yeah. That's I have I take bigger issue with how quickly he got accepted into a new monastery over the fact that he turned into a tomato apparently. So I stand fallen down a hole of history YouTube random weirdness. Okay. And I just have it on most of the time.
And I learned so much about a guy named the venerable bead who was from like the sixth or seventh century and he was a monk and his parents just dropped him off at the monastery when he was seven and that's how he became a monk. So I'm like it was different back then. Like that's what families would do. They would choose one child to give to the church. And so the venerable bead was left when he was seven at a monastery.
But also what's like fascinating in that situation is like the way you just said it being like the family chooses one. Like it's an honor, right? Like you're like gifting and like offering your child. It's not like a oh he wouldn't shut up so we just dropped him off at the local monaster. No. No. It's not like that. No. Um, yeah. It's super interesting though. That is the general bead. Yep. Most of what we know about like the Romans in Britain comes from bead. Interesting. Mhm.
Huh. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. I'll have to learn more about that. Off pod. Yeah. Yeah. I'll send you a link. So, while Bob is now like, I'm joining a monastery. Larry's like, you're being ridiculous. Like, this like does not have to be how it is. Like Larry's like, "We can all be together. Like there's nothing stopping us. Like we are all flesh and blood at this point." Right. Right. Consenting adults and all that.
Um Bob is spiraling and he's like, "Well, like I can't choose between you and Emily and I like don't want to hurt anyone else." And like Larry was once getting kind of like no one's no one's asking you like you aren't getting this situation. Right. Right. Right. Um nobody said choose my guy. Yeah. And so Larry's like, "No, like we all feel it. Like you're you're not getting this." And Larry kisses him again.
Bob escalates it very quickly. While Larry starts to kiss, Bob takes Larry's dick out pretty immediately and starts like jacking him off. Larry then takes Bob's dick out. So they're just like making out, standing there jacking each other off. Larry once again has some dirty talk. Uh they both orgasm and then once again Bob shuts down. Yeah. Rolls away. Yeah. [Music] It's very much a dream come true for the boys. They wanted this for a while.
Well, but Larry's also like like declares his love like asks him to stay and Bob is like I'm joining the monastery. You will move beyond this. Yeah. And just like shuts it down. But it was very sweet the way he said it. He's like, "This was never about God. This was about you. Like, I wanted to be with you." And it was like, "Oh my god, dinner." And but yeah, and then Bob was like, "No." And throws his fit and goes away. Yeah. Yeah. I hope they gave him a stupid bowl cut at the monastery.
Frier Bob. Yes. I'm just imagining a tomato with a really long like stem. Oh my god. Do you are you familiar with the band Electric Callboy? They're a really ridiculous German metal core, but they do like techno metal fusion [ __ ] There's one video called We Got the Moves where they're all wearing black wigs that just are a literal bowl cut.
every single member of the band and then as people show up to like rage at this party that they're having, everybody suddenly is has the same wig on and it's literally exactly what you're describ. It's just black. It's so good. Even the mini horse they had in it had the hair. It's very highly recommend. We got the moves electric boy. It's very good.
I remember seeing a thing for some party or event a long time ago where it was the same height party and on the walls they had like different it almost looked like the moon shoes from but they had them in like whatever height was needed. So like it seemed as whoever was the tallest person there everyone was calibrated to like the same height. I was like what a fascinating concept. I would break my ankle and die. I mean,
the shoe a cool 53. Like the shoes were like pretty large like like moon shoe base platforms on each foot. Like they're not handing out like 9 in stilettos. I mean like you got this. I'm imagining the actual moon shoes where it's like the blades on the bottom where you bounce. I was like I'd die like Yeah. Especially if there's alcohol at this party. You come here. I had a friend and we I might just be talking about different moon shoes cuz I know the blade ones
that you're talking about. My friends almost looked like more like a mini trampoline. No, there were several forms. Okay. I was like because as soon as you said I was like, "Oh my god, those were also I forgot how many but there were so many weird bouncy shoe options. So many more than was necessary." It's a miracle any of us have intact ankles. Well, mine does click a lot. If You're like, "It shouldn't make that sound." So,
back to Emily. She's wandering through the woods, lowkey really just avoiding Gail at this point. She's like, "Don't want to don't want to see her. That's going to be an awkward conversation." And suddenly in the woods, the old witch woman with the boil in the cloak appears. Uh, and she and Emily's like a little taken back at first and the woman's like, "No, like I can help you with your priest or maybe I should say like your your produce pals." She's like, "Wait, what? Produce pals."
Emily's like, "Wait, what?" Yeah. You know about the produce. Uhhuh. Yeah. And she's like, "Oh, yeah." And then repeated the the incantation. Yes. Then the witch goes on to explain that they're all destined for each other. that like this was like the universe bringing them together. And at one point Emily's like, "Well, why didn't I turn into a fruit and the witch is like, "You didn't need it." Like, can we talk about my favorite quote from the book? Absolutely.
She looks at her and says, "Your destiny isn't over, child." And then immediately I started singing, "Say my name." I was like, "You shoehorned in a Destiny's child joke in there. Well done, Je." Okay. I was like, "Who says that?" Anyway, that's an over child. Cowboy Carter was just in Atlanta at the time of this recording. Well, you're not wrong. That is true. Um, the witch also explains that they turn into Bob and Larry would turn into veggies
whenever the three were together. And uh one would be able to admit their desires while the others would deny it. So like that was the catalyst to what would turn them to vegetables or fruit rather cuz they had seeds. Yeah. Clearly. All right. Sorry. There's no breeding kink in this one. There is no breeding kink in this one. I I've said that with hope more than confidence. There's no breeding kink in this one. There's no breeding kink in this one, right? Please don't. Please don't confirm.
No breeding. No, there's there's no produce production kink in this one. So that night, Robert is almost done with all of his tasks cuz, you know, he's leaving for the monastery the next day. Got to fold up the robes. Make sure they're ironed. Steamed perhaps, right? Write a letter to the next priest. Make sure your rope belt thing is properly coiled. I don't know how you store that in luggage. No, I'm not luggage. You don't need to take it with you. You're leaving it for
the next one. You're not taking that with you. Yeah, the monks will have the uniform there. The monks know. Yeah, they've got scissors. I'm like, you supply your own rope. Obviously, your own rope. They have the bowl for the cut. B Y O R is on their application. So, Robert decides that he's going to go and like finally say goodbye to Emily and clear the air cuz he still hasn't talked to her since all of this went down cuz he's a little bit of a punk ass [ __ ]
You get it? When he gets outside her door, Larry's already standing there. Um, and when Emily opens the door, upon hearing them and seeing them both standing there, they both just turn into vegetables out of nowhere. She opens the door and they just turn into vegetables. And she looks at them is like, "You you two are ridiculous." She like brings them into her room. That's actually kind of relatable a little bit. Like, you are
just ridicul. Come back. Yes. But now that she like has some additional context, she like tells them that she loves them, confesses her feelings, and then Robert realizing he feels the same um feels his body vibrate, and then suddenly they're in their human forms again. So the him like recognizing his feelings and them all being able to actually own their feelings breaks the spell, curse, random quote that she told them. Sure. Yeah. whatever it was.
Yeah. Right. It's giving um Beauty and the Beast very much a little bit. You know, the weird the creepy lady in the cloak comes and like gives you a curse and you have to acknowledge your true love or whatever. Where you'll be turned into a beast who's objectively a lot hotter than you were as a prince. And that's something you do have to reconcile more. Yeah. Tell me you grew up in the '90s without telling me that man shrank three feet. You're telling me she's still attracted to him?
Like, we can just be friends. I'm so grateful that I could help you in your time of need and I'm so grateful to continue to be your friend as you make this transition. I'm glad that Mrs. Pots can now take care of all of her children again, but I'm a go. Got to get back to my books. Love you. Bye. So, this declaration of love, them all now being human, um, is really their time for their solidifying [ __ ] in the book. It finally happens. We have our solidifying [ __ ] where everybody's human,
everyone is human. Bob wants Larry to [ __ ] him while Bob is [ __ ] Emily. So, like, we're already starting to work through some different dreams and visions that we've had of this that we have been repressing. And now that we're no longer repressing, we're going to experience and enjoy all of them. Find your friend combos. Yikes. Yep. That was bad. Just imagining a shuderie board. Oh god. Jesus. So the next morning, anyway, we're moving on.
You know, Jesus was never depicted in the Veggie Tales. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I saw the interview with the guy because the creator's mom was like, "You can't have Jesus be a vegetable." She was like, "You like it's sacrilegious to portray that." So that's why everything was the Old Testament. Abraham and David just fine. Pick a pick a vegetable. Jesus line in the sand. I do get that logic though some, right? Yeah. So the next morning We're all in agreement. I like Yeah,
totally makes sense. Yeah. Mhm. The next morning, um, Emily goes out into the kitchen. Gail is in the kitchen. Gail is surprisingly cool in chill. Gail's a [ __ ] hang. Yes. Was like I was I wanted to not like Gail and Gail's like, "No, you're fine." Like, just she's like, "Honestly, good for you. Explore what you want to explore." Like, okay, Gail. Yeah. Gail's like, "I've been I've been here for a while. It's clear that they've loved each other this whole
time. Like Gail's awesome. Yeah. Gail's like, "It really looks like y'all were having a great time." Like, okay. So, love that. That's where we end our our saga of Gail because I really, you know, I thought the same. I thought like I was bracing myself for a negative conversation. And I appreciated the like, hey, there's no judgment. Believe it or not, I'm not called to judge you. I'm just called to show up and like love you, right? Oh wow, what a con. Mind my own business.
Gail does also mention to them that right down the street from the parish is a produce farm for sale and they do all need something to do now. Correct. So like that's where the book ends is the three of them have bought the produce farm. The Bob and Larry decided that they wanted it to be a cucumber and tomato farm exclusively. And Bob gets to work on his woodworking hobby. Yeah. And they all just get to live their life together and be together. Yeah. All right. And that is the end of of
Pounded by Produce. There is there's a lot of pounding. It's like less than 200 pages and I'd say a solid hundred of them at least without question. Yeah. So much detail. Like I know when people are like, "Oh, like smut versus spice." This one definitely This is smut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was a probably a 2hour read and I had to break it up a little bit because there were lols of how many times it's like, "Oh, you're just going into way too much detail here." Right.
Which I respect. Like, paint me a picture. Right. Right. Right. Right. But give me time to cool off before you paint the next picture. Yeah. And sometimes there wasn't time to cool off. We just jump into the next picture. Dive right in. Sometimes we need a little bit more of a refractory period. Like chill out. Do cucumbers need Never mind. No one has the answer to that question. I didn't finish. They do need a cooling off period. Maybe not a refractory one though.
Um Helena Hunting's Toronto Terror hockey series. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you read the first one in the series with with the cucumber? No. Yeah. There he bites the cucumber. He puts it. It's a it adds some riging for her pleasure. Um but like then like books later, she's getting they're getting married and another character is like planning the wedding and it's like that character story and um cucumber salad. Yeah. Like at the wedding, they're like,
"Oh, we have like a cucumber salad." And everyone in the wedding party is giggling and everyone else is like, "Why?" And not that Bob and Larry and Emily are all getting married because I do think a uh polyamorous wedding might still be beyond where we are society right now. Sure. Well, and in the universe created by GM Fairy. True. I viewed that as our current universe. I have no questions about them. Yeah, they're just happy on their produce farm. Yeah, they don't need a ceremony.
No, they're fine. When it's a ceremony, when you've got produce, right? Wow. Danny DeVito would absolutely officiate though. Oh, can you imagine? Like another great option to officiate Bill Murray. Yes. Oh, do you know the story about him in the ketchup? No. Oh, it might be a tall tale. I don't know. Okay. But I mean, the Bill Mur Murray lore at this point. You could tell me anything to make that sounds like Bill.
So much great lore. But apparently there was somebody eating at a restaurant in New York City. Bill Murray walks up to this guy's table, takes a French fry, dips it in ketchup, eats it, and goes, "No one will ever believe you." And walks away. That's true. It's got to be true, right? Like I want it to be true. Well, I saw I saw photos from the time that Bill Murray was at a bar. Is that where you're about to What What was he serving instead? Like no matter what they ordered, he just
poured them like a shot of vodka. He just like walked behind the bar and started bartending. Okay. So, he was known not recently, but in like the early as in the 2010s for showing up at College of Charleston house parties because he lived in Charleston, South Carolina. So, you never knew on like a random Thursday night at a frat party, Bill Murray might show up. [ __ ] rules. Like, he might just be there.
Well, cuz I like he like literally went behind a bar like and no matter what No, this was like this one wasn't a house cuz this one was like an actual actual real bar and no matter what anyone ordered, he poured them. I think it was a bar in Mount Pleasant if I'm remembering correctly. you I mean at this point you could tell me the bar was anywhere. I'm not really fixated on the location so much as he seemed to be.
So every summer I spent in Charleston on the aisle of Palms or Mount Pleasant growing up growing every single summer cuz my grandparents lived in North Charleston. Yeah. And my grandparents currently live in North Charleston. It's fantastic. Um, and so I grew up on stories about Bill Murray doing weird [ __ ] in the summer around. Unfortunately, I don't even think it's just summer.
No, I know. But and I think like cuz like the lore right when he's But I'm like the stories that come up I'm like Bill's just living his life. Yeah. He just doesn't give a [ __ ] Well, like in a good way. Last I heard, he still had a flip phone and like you if you wanted him in your movie, you had to get the number to his flip phone, leave him a voicemail, and if he was interested, he would call you back. It was like something like that. The lore. What a way to achieve that level of
success though, right? to be like, "If you can figure out my number and leave me a voicemail, perhaps you can seven to 10 business months, I will call you back." Yeah, I do wonder how long it takes him. I was like, "So, when does he call you back? Is that like when he feels like it?" Are these projects time sensitive? I do have questions. Okay. All that said though, yes. What is our rating system for today? M produce as a whole. I don't feel like we can separate the cucumbers from the
water buffaloos. Oh, water buffaloos. Rubber ducky sweaters. That might Okay. Rubber ducky sweaters. Rubber ducky sweaters. Feels good. How many sweaters are we out of, Weston? Out of 10. Okay. All right. 10 feels great. 10 rubber ducky sweaters. I'm going to give it a solid seven. Seven rubber ducky sweaters. Like I was I found like even the even the old witch I was like, you know what? You kind of served a great purpose. You got them to where they needed to be as people.
Sure. You had to turn them into vegetables. Growth. Yeah. But you got there. Big fan. I agree. I feel like if someone told me that we were going to do an episode on Veggie Tail smut, I would have assumed it would likely have a low rating. But I feel like GM Fairy really is out there just healing religious trauma. It's some like it's ridiculous. It's fun, but I agree. Like I'd say like probably about seven ducky sweaters. It's just I mean here it's not going to win awards. Correct.
And it might heal you. Um it was it lazy. It meets you where you are. It throws a little call back in. Well, and it's interesting because I was thinking if the only love interest was Bob, I'd hate it. But like Larry sort of balances him out in a way that's like makes him a little more endearing in a way where you guys were describing it. So like it did sound kind of fun. Yeah. If it was only Bob just like leaving after every tense scene, it
would not have been a a great review. I think reading Bob trying to reconcile this was like an interesting take while also being like we're reconciling a ridiculous thing. Like all right, bud. Yes. Um but overarchingly very fun. GM Fairy set out with a very clear intention and nailed it. She absolutely nailed it. Yeah. would I would recommend for those that are like, you know what, I do have a little bit of religious trauma.
Yeah, for sure. I've been calling her godmother fairy in my mind this whole time. Not General Motors fairy. General Motors fairy, which was my initial reaction. No, godmother fairy. Godmother fairy. Um, well, and as we found out earlier, Godmother Fairy also has some Shrek smut, so that might be visited in the future. In my swamp. Jesus. Yes, that is the title of the book. I'm not being disgusting. I mean, I'm being a little disgusting. Two things can be true at the same time. Yeah,
it's called a dialectic. Look it up. It depends on how much eye contact you make at any given moment when you say it. And here's the thing. We had no eye contact when you said get in my swamp. So, it didn't make me feel that weird. Um, if we if you say it again and we make eye contact, it will. So, I'm not I'm just going to look at Hannah and not you. I'm not going to look at anything. And I'm also just not going to say it when I look at you either. I was going to say I almost did it and
then was like I did. We both each other and I could tell we both of us went get in my swamp. I was like actually I don't want to because it's somehow worse as a woman to say that. It feels worse to me. I don't want to do that. Swamp ass. It's not good for any gender. Cuz I said it and then I was like, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute." So anyway, on that note, listen, thank you Godmother Fairy for Counted My Produce.
Okay, all that said, seven out of 10 rubber ducky handk knit sweaters. Let us know how many rubber ducky sweaters or water buffalo. Choose your own rating adventure you would choose for this. Um, let us know what you'd like us to review next. Yep. Like, subscribe, share with your friends. Yes. And once again, we are a little bit sorry if if this is a if you have no idea about anything Veggie Tales and this episode is leaving you with more questions than answers. Feel free to DM
us if that's the situation as well. We can send you links for, you know, Sport Utility Vehicle, for Barbara the Manatee, a myriad of others. I will. And you'll still have questions, but you'll be in good company while you have them. And on that note, see you next time, smuts [ __ ] Bye, smart puppies. Well, that's it for this week, Smart [ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz
it sure was great for us. If you're digging what we're doing, it would mean a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now. Maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love you. We appreciate you. And we'll see you next week. Stay smutty. [Music]