well hello All You Beautiful [Music] People you know what time it is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and everyone in between gather around get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on cuz it's time for smut Club here's your hosts Elsey and [Applause] Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut club I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and this is the podcast where we are two licensed therapists who sometimes daydrink sometimes don't and review trashy romance novels review romance novels of
varying caliber yes varying levels of trash yes yeah um it's funny cuz I joined like a Facebook group that's like in my Kindle girly era or whatever I'm like I'm very like I want to see what sort of recommendations people are giving and things like that and there was one and the girl was like recommend the smuttiest of the smuttiest smut you've ever smutted a smut like I want the dirt okay and then people are like have you read Denna vipers and I'm like oh this was the one that I was like
these are our people cuzz everything else on there is like like a court of thorn and Roses I was going to say were they like a court of thorns and Roses there's like two sex scenes in that maybe or uh Lucy scores knock them out is that am I getting that series I don't know uh I think I think that's right I feel like those are the general recommendations so when it was the smuttiest smut and going through the list I was like oh I agree with several of these and
then there were some I'm like really that's not that smudy I was like have you read altered by fire have you read priest we haven't done that one we haven't reviewed priest it's on my list though yeah yeah we should do that one soon we maybe we will maybe maybe we will but what are we doing today oh great question today we are doing ice Planet barbarians by Ruby Dixon and Dixon being D IX o n mhm mhm I grew up with a bunch of people that their last name was like d i k s o n so
just in case you wanted to look this up wanted to make sure you had the proper spelling of Dixon because there's more than one ice Planet Barbarian so we want to make sure that you get the accurate author information if I had a nickel for every time I picked up the wrong ice Planet Barbarian series I would be Nicholas nicholus nickelby I'm so sorry okay anyway that was a very Niche joke that I just made for all our PBS girlies out there but anyway I was going to say that's a deep
cut in the best way not mad at that one at all okay so ice Planet Barbarian is a dual point of view but honestly for the most part it doesn't really yeah so we start with Georgie she is from Orlando Florida hey um but she has been abducted by aliens sure yeah that feels like a thing that happens in Orlando you know you're not wrong but it does also seem like these aliens were just like going around the US finding just plucking yes humans cuz there's like another girl
that the second book in the series is about Liz I think she's from like Oklahoma or something there are like 20 books in this series that's somebody told me they they went to read the series and it was like 19 and they were like I might not be ready for that I will say all of them well at least I've read the first two so I'm making an assumption here but they they all seem to be standalones from what I've read so I'm like no part of me feels as though I need to you're not missing keep pushing
forward I'm like oh I can casually pick up whenever I want and go forward and so while it is a long series I wouldn't let that hold you back because like this book is like 180 Pages oh okay yeah that's a nice easy like weekend read or whatever 1,000% I like I read this one and then I think I read the second one in a day like just very easy reading um but going back because Georgie has been abducted by aliens and that is a bummer for her um well said I was just thinking um I
grew up with a Georgie in Orlando and so I'm like hey girl like maybe I should hit her up and make sure she's okay like did you happen to do you know Ruby Dixon hey G you're right like youall have to let us know if you get a response I'll find out cuz Georgie's a very specific it is actually well so Georgie wakes up on the ship and the there are other women in the hold with her and they're like don't scream like it angers the aliens [ __ ] does not go well yep we've been abducted
but we need to like be smart while we're here sort of energy m well at least they're not alone like they have like each other I guess yes and there's one girl I think maybe the first one abducted Kira they uh installed a translator on Kira's ear so they can't communicate with the aliens but through Kira they can understand what the aliens are saying okay um which is how we come to find like that they are human Smugglers and this is their trade but they actually have girls in like stasis
pods if you will so there are some that like oh so these were like the main cargo and then you just like saw us and just went sure we'll take them as well like they're it's like when you're at the grocery store and you have your list and it's like your meat and veg that you're supposed to have and then you're like you know what I would also like some crackers and like you just pick up you just pick up the crackers cuz you're there you just fly over Orlando and see what crackers are available
Georgie I feel like Georgie would be a Cheez It yeah that feels true I don't know why but that feels that feels right in my heart um yeah so we have Liz Kira there are a couple other girls their names they get their own books at some point it doesn't really matter for now um but the ship as like time is going on there is increasing turbulence with the ship and like there's a girl there's a new girl at one point she cries and then gets sexually assaulted by the aliens
yeah like really not a great situation and Georgie's like hey guys there's a lot of us and there's like two aliens right let's band together and like we can provide ourselves safety so then Georgie kind of becomes like the de facto leader of the group and by that they're like working on like luring an alien like into their cell yeah I guess holding area uhhuh and uh but then all the other girls are like we are going to let you take this ge's like damn it I'm weak too
like we're all like underfed and dehydrated on this ship but sure so like she tries to like to throw like the [ __ ] bucket at him but it's like too weak so it just kind of like gets everywhere instead but as this fight is happening and the turbulence is increasing you just hear Kira go Detachment commencing and then they just start falling and then they're like prepare for re-entry we're about to crash and they crash on an ice sure so the ice Planet barbarians are
not the people who stole them okay different alien race so the aliens that stole them were basically like Pirates Who had extra booty and they were like we're going to sink so throw it over yeah like we we got to cut the weight somewhere and we we can come back if if we make it through yes kind of like uh like Firefly if you yeah a I know right that's exactly I just got so just got so wistful about it I tried to get Vance to watch it with me cuz I was like telling him how much I loved it
and I I just think like too much time had passed and like he's like I don't this isn't really Landing for me the same way and I'm like that's a for you Perfection yeah I'm like no notes except on a couple episodes but outside of those no notes and we all know I'm obsessed with Alan tud I was about to say Alan Tuda can do anything he wants anything as wash a oh okay well anyway I'm going to get in a funk now so we're on the planet so we're now on the ice Planet mhm
and uh all they know is that like part of their ship kind of got peeled back in in the crash and so they like see snow coming through it's cold they have like enough rations and supplies for like one week and they're like we aren't going to survive past that and so Georgie's kind of like she broke her wrist in this fall at some point oh also she did manage to kill the guard oh like I think he like she got his gun and then like hit him over the head with it cuz she couldn't
figure out how to shoot it but then just like kept bashing his face in until like the other girls were like hey girl he's dead you got him yeah we're all safe now thank you so she ends up taking the dead guard's clothes and is going out to try and find means of survival um and there are two sons in the sky on this planet and so the girls in the ship like what do you see she's like do you remember Star Wars they're like like Hoth and she's like yeah but we're not on Hoth so they
just call it not ho is how they refer to the planet the whole time that's really good not Hawk yeah I'm not going to lie for being like alien romance there are a lot of really endearing things through it in a way where like Little Star Wars references it's just very cute um she goes to find water and finds this like warm stream that has like these bamboo shoots and so she's like she grabs the bamboo and then like kind of looks down and realizes it's like attached like a
fanged fish that then like tries to like whoops yeah so she's like ah this is not going great and she like then gets caught in a snare and she like the exact quot I put it down me I'm just a Floridian in a stolen space suit with no weapons and a busted wrist I know how this is going to end like she's like I you know In fairness to her like walking around somewhere and sudden finding yourself attacked by something with a lot of teeth and then stumbling into some kind of illegal hunt trap is very
Florida like that's very classically Central Florida you know it yeah you're not you're not wrong I know it's really unfortunate I I've tried to rain it in but for a while anytime I saw a Florida meme I would just send it to Hannah but I was like they also all felt accurate in a way that I was like damn it the best one the best ones are the Publix's ones yes no doubt no doubt uh I saw like a random ad out of the corner of my eye that was just the table scape of a party and I went went
this feels like a public ad it does it was one like how did you know like there's just an energy about public table Escape there's a vibe to a public right I'm like I don't know what you want from me um so Georgie passes out in the snare that captures her but she's like okay so if I just got caught in a snare there are signs of intelligent life right on this planet so that will maybe work in our favor we now switch perspectives we meet vectal v e k t a l vectal okay how would you say it I
wouldn't say it at all but but I'm like it's rude not to call people by name Hannah well I feel like I would need to come up with a nickname for him because I feel like that's a playground bully situation waiting to happen vectal rectal is just on the table he's 7 ft tall and has horns and a tail I think he would just kick the playground kid's ass it's a fair point I still wouldn't want to say it I think vectto can take care of himself in that situation we're not concerned for veto's well-being
really I mean hear me I am concerned for his well-being I just also think he can hold his own noted okay yes okay so we care but we're not worried because he he's got it he's very capable noted he is the chief of his tribe sure and so he owns he was the one who set the Trap and is the owner of the Trap he said it and he cuts her down and then he immediately like starts VI like his chest starts vibrating is he purring for her yes he immediately his kooy nope k h
UI K Hui okay some of the girls refer to it as a cooie okay but you're kooy uh immediately starts resonating in him and he's like it's like been dormant inside me for so long and it but it starts vibrating when it recognizes its mate and so it just like starts singing when it sees her and he has he's like this is a very flat-faced creature that I found flat-faced creature at one point he's like I find her beautiful flat face and all he's an alien Hannah they have different appearance
expectations they have a lot of ridges humans have very soft bodies ruffles have rges yeah they do and they are also delicious okay of all of the things we've reviewed of all of the books no no no I'm looking at your face going but it's not flat like you have cheekbones in a nose like I don't and eyebrows like that's not flat I think eyebrows are pretty flat no I mean you know what I mean I guess like the little bone now I'm just poking around my face you're brow bone
yes brow bone cheekbone nose bone chin bone Yeah but I also say all things considered those of us without exceptionally Jewish noses I almost said I wonder if he would say I would had a flat face I don't think so I think uh in difference of races all humans have comparatively flat faces okay the comparatively part is helpful okay I'm on board now I like that I had to throw that word out even though the whole time like they're separate races I almost said like H I don't know that I would be
considered a a flat facer is that being like a flat earther yes but more anti-semitic okay we're fine everything's fine we're good we're good so Vel is like I'm not quite sure what this being is but it's clearly my mate and like we are now attached and it is mine to keep and protect and she is very fragile and small and I need to take her to one of the hunting caves and like get her warm and like get her safe at this point see to her right she's been in this snare he doesn't know how long
yes so when when they get in the cave he ends up taking her clothes off to check her over and know notices that like she's really smooth and hairless and he's like except in two places on top of her head and between her legs how adorable like okie dokie the uh the alien's experience of observing a human for the first time was very endearingly written oh okay yes where he's just like huh isn't that charming and like on to the next thing and you're like like lots of curiosity and like
how adorable and flat-faced and you're like okay thanks bro love you too not quite the same but in the slightly like minimizing capacity um we were having some family Hangouts last week and then I was talking to my nephew who's in high school and I was uh we were just talking about what he wants to do and be and he's super into photography right now and then I was telling him about the Journey of like becoming a therapist I was like well you go for your bachelor's
and then you go for your Masters and then once you get your Masters you have to do like so many supervised hours and then this and that and the other and then you can call yourself a licensed clinician and this fool who I adore with every fiber of my being just goes wow all that for just a therapist and I was like yep all that for just a therapist all that to just sit and listen that's what you do right all you do is just sit and let people tell you things right you just
nod and say how does that make you feel right and please hear me I was not at all up like it one of those I'm like you have no idea what you just said Gless his heart yeah I was like cool cool cool cool cool thanks bro I'm officially no longer cool in my nephew's esteem got it I don't know if I've been cool in his esteem for a while but I wasn't probably wasn't helping my cause I think I lost out with mine when they were like six and seven probably yeah like in my head I want to be the cool
ant I'm not though yeah I don't I think that's just more in my like in my heart what I want to be versus accepting the reality of what I am which is I'm not a regular ant I'm a cool ant like that's 100% if I tried to be the cool ant that's the energy I would give nobody wants that um I my old boss when I lived in Nashville her niece worked on our team and I guess like our boss was the cool aunt in their family but was like super etchy and like one year like bought all of them
vibrators for Christmas and didn't tell anyone and just like let them all open them sure and she just thought it was the funniest thing that she'd like pulled that one over and I'm like oh so this is your cool ant energy right it's like being like the edgy cool ant right okay I'm like wow feel like there's a lot of different cool ant hats and like lanes that you can choose mhh I think you're right it's a choose your own cool ant Journey yeah I feel like some people play the cool ant where
they're like I'll slip you a drink like right like that sort of cool ant versus the ones that are just like I don't know feel like my ants are cool because we can just sit and have like really lovely conversations M absolutely that's what makes them a cool ant not because of like the bells and whistles just because of like showing up and being present yeah which objectively probably isn't that like like that's the cooling I want to be which is probably why I'm
not the coolant I'm like just sit and tell me your feelings but how are you and they're like tell me your hopes and dreams Chelsea calm down please whatever back to vectal so he is inspecting her to make sure that she's okay yes he's inspecting her to make sure that she's okay he keeps noting that how like smooth and hairy she is and then he gets a whiff of her genital region I wouldn't say she's a rouse she's passed out uh but her natural scent speaks to him and he just starts
going to town and just starts eating her out so it's a bold open yes because we now go back to Georgie who's like I've had I've been having the weirdest dreams lately I was abducted I'm have someone going down on me right now and then she like reaches down and like feels his horns and she's like oh this is real this isn't like okay oh this is actually happening okay that the alien Smugglers were also real none of this was a dream um so he continues to go down on
her and she's like well this feels really good and we're already here why why stop him now we're just about to get to the good part and then he finds her [ __ ] and she like moans and he pauses cuz he's like oh like what did I just do that she like really liked and then he like spreads her around her [ __ ] and looks at her amazed and he's like what like wow what is this thing and is like very into it later in the book he's telling the other men in his tribe about it and he's like and they
have three nipples the third is between their legs they're like what third between the legs why is it there and he's like I don't know but she's really she really likes okay that's weirdly cute that's how most of this book is it's like I don't want that to be cute yeah it's like very begrudgingly yeah yeah so he's just like Amazed by this third nipple that sure yes and then he's like all right I'm going to flip her over and like we're going to mate now and she's
like what like you going down on me was one thing who even are you yes I don't know you I'm and so she like kicks him in the chest and then it goes back to him and he's like it's almost like she doesn't want a mate why did she why would she kick me it's like she doesn't want me to like mate her right now or something and you're like you read that right my dude yeah yeah good job consent matters it does every time um but then he also realizes and I forgot this like at some point with in
this he has realized that she does not have a kooy or a Coe or whatever it is just every time you say that word I'm going to get that weird smirk on my face cuz I'm trying not to giggle every single time that is a fair assessment KY which um the planet is uninhabitable if you do not have a koi so like you will die over time huh um which we like get more detail about as the book goes on so it is a little like clunky because you like when it's his perspective you he's
talking about it and I'm a little bit like I don't really know what this is but there is more explanation later in the book but he's like telling her he's like I know you don't have a Koy but we will get you one like and just talking to her and she's like I have no idea what you're saying we don't speak the same language she's like your tone seems nice I guess like right and so then she's like all right well trying to figure out how to communicate so she's like trying to share her name and he's
trying to like give his and she's like Georgie and he's like sh she she's like nailed it and he's like VL and she's like hapal and he's like close enough a so they do get better with the names throughout the book um it's also funny because whenever it's from his perspective and she's speaking to him he's like what's this weird language with no vowel cuz I think their vowels are like more like guttural if you will so whenever she's speaking to him like you can
figure out what she's saying but it's like written with like no vowels like and like Words jumbled together but you're like some [ __ ] like things like that and you're like oh so he has no idea but you can figure out what she's trying to communicate a um her stomach starts rumbling and he tries to give her his Trav rations uh which do not taste good she's like the kindest thing I can say about them is that they are disgusting she starts like like puking and she's like I'm gagging I
cannot eat this and he's like but you need to eat and she's like not that I don't right and she's like I would love some water and so then as they start uh no no wait I'm getting my my bits of the story confused the food didn't taste good he gives her water uh and then he gets her all cuddled up in The Furs to to stay warm and she falls asleep and like it's a it's a nice moment where she feels safe um as they're leaving the next day he he's giving her a piggy back ride
because he's 7et tall and the snow is very deep and he's like we'll just move faster if you're on my back you weigh nothing right we've got this y sorry Vance didn't mean to hit my mic with my hand I was trying to push my hair behind my ear whatever these things happen um as they are going on this as they are leaving the the cave and starting their Journey she's realizing they're going the wrong way and she's like no we need to go up the mountain and he's like no we need to
go down the mountain and she's like and he doesn't understand why she's so adamant about going up there's all those women up there like yes which like she has no way to communicate to him at this point but so they kind of like get to a point where he's trying to get her food and she's like okay once we get food can we go back up the mountain um so he's like no problem and that's their compromise he is catching some like smaller beast and is uh his people eat their meat raw and so he's like
giving her what he thinks are like the choice Cuts yes and he's like oh this is like the best part and she's like no what is this I cannot and he's like why doesn't she want like he's just trying so hard to provide for his mate and the new love of his life very cinnamon roll yes and she has no idea she just like sees him being sweet but like like he gives her the food she starts gagging like whoops poor guy um they then go to a come like upon a stream again and like she's like okay
well there's running water it's clearly warm so like it should be drinkable but then he's also watching her and is like she has no concept of safety on this planet and like the threats like he's like I've clocked like three different animals in different places watching us on this journey and she has no awareness and he's like even like the kids in our tribe know not to like Touch the Water right and so when she starts to go he like pulls her back and throws like a
stick into the water and all of those Fang eating fish just like descend upon it and she's like whoops holy [ __ ] I would have been dead in like 5 Seconds yeah so he ends up throwing some berries in the water that like apparently the fish hate the smell of and it'll be a while before the fish come back so they're able to bathe and he like shows her how to use the berries as like soap as well um but then also when they get out of the water she's like it's nice to
be clean but also it is an ice planet and I'm very cold and now my hair is frozen so not quite sure if the tradeoff may have backfired a little bit yes but also while they're bathing Georgie's like oh wow I was unprepared for he he has ridges everywhere didn't dawn on me he'd have them on his penis as well like he's just a rigged fellow a rigged fellow sure for her pleasure as it should be um so after they're bathing she's like will you take me up the mountain and he's like no and she's like all
right I got to use my my womanly ws and she's like hey vectal do you know how to kiss kissing is a New Concept to him a very into it though I bet he's like what this [ __ ] is the tits hell yeah and so she's like jokes on you I'm into that right and she's like all right if you take me up the mountain I'll give you more kisses uh and he's like okay she found the cheat codes to the alien I think it's a pretty easy cheat code I was going to say maybe not just to the alien but
like most heterosexual men I think yeah any ego stroking or yeah physical stroking is a he is probably going to yield the results you're looking for yeah yeah I was just thinking the fact that my husband said this morning that there are almost no problems that a little dick can't fix you know I think you also need to make sure to mention that your husband carries like half inch sized laser cut wooden dick wooden dicks around and whenever someone's having a bad day he just hands
them out and says it looks like you could use a little dick and quite frankly I bet it works it does yeah it does like you can't be mad after that you really can't it really does turn your whole day around yeah because it's also a story to tell like cuz he'll do it really to anybody for the most part so then that person maybe they don't know him all that well but they now have a story that they get to tell it's a good story I also feel like then like you're in the club oh yeah
it's like you're in theck I've never had a little dick for Matt wait what does that mean that I've never had a little dick from Matt wait how do I get one like what are the rules have a bad day cry a little and front of him don't do that that's too far he gets very upset when other people cry uh pinch your thigh so your eyes water a little but don't release any tears correct yeah that's it that's the line let them well don't let them fall that's so funny um okay where where are
we she convinces him to go up the mountain with kissing but it's right he is like we we're not going to be able to get there tonight sort of energy so he takes her back to the cave because her teeth are chattering because her hair is frozen because it's [ __ ] cold yeah because they're on an ice planet and she bathed in water which I remember like going on a ski trip in high school or something and like getting out of a hot tub and my hair just froze yep and that was really cold and my feet
were still in like very comfy water MH I'm not I'm not made for the colder temperatures I would not do well on an ice Planet nope me either no I I could do well in a ski lodge on an ice Planet if there is a large fireplace with maybe a comfy rug situation hot totty moment yes yes a hot totty and a nice rug with a fireplace can solve most a lot of life's issues yeah and then for the ones that don't solve with that you have little dick as long as you don't cry as long as you don't
cry um so when back sees that like she's shivering he's like trying to take her back to the cave for the night she's like I need to get up like I there is urgency here that he's not understanding so she tries to leave and or maybe that I don't remember the exact timeline it doesn't matter yeah it's fine she tries to leave and he's calling after her and she ends up like falling through some snow into a like Cavern that she's like okay this is there's a there's a creature next to me now and she's
looking around and like there's a lot of creatures in here she's like they kind of look like Wookies and then she's like oh like how cute like they're like little puppies and she like tries yep Hannah yeah no they're not no they're probably more like Gremlins after midnight yep and so she like reaches out to like Let One sniff her hand thinking that it's like a dog and she's like oh more like feral monkeys and just all start attacking her until vectal bust it through into the cavern
and saves her sure um and she's like maybe I don't know a ton about this planet maybe I need to slow down right I'm like yeah listen I get having a sense of urgency and like trying to communicate with him and him not necessarily getting that but also girl he clearly knows how to survive on this planet in a way you don't mhm mhm maybe give the man a little credit right he is your your faded mate after all sure you don't know that yet I was going to say I don't think she's got that yeah no no
she does not have that so after he saves her he takes her back to the cave and uh catches some food for them and she's like trying to show him like to cook the meat over the fire for her and he's like why do they want to burn out all of the flavor but okay she's like making these happy little sounds as she eats it so I guess I'll burn the meat for that's what she want if burned meat is how what whatever makes you happy I will burn some meat for you yes and he's like I really don't get
this why do they want this flavorless charred animal when it could be fresh but anything for love am I right hey sure right so she's showing him how to cook the meat but and he's happy that that she's happy and then as they just have nothing but time to kill she's just like pointing at random things and trying to learn the language and have him teach her what those words are and then they run out of things in the cavern um and also I guess with his tribe there are people that are like
their job is being hunters for the tribe so they have hunting caves set up with supplies so when they're showing up like there are blankets and there are things like that in each of these places which he's like yeah it's rude to not replenish the supply before you leave and he's like but I got a mate now and she takes priority and she's so cold cuz she's a tiny human and I will like steal from all of them yeah he's like we'll we'll come back and restock them at some
point but I'd rather give my mate what she needs now but just in case you were wondering what how there were supplies and the caves are all pre-stocked gotcha yes and that's like just part of their culture it's not like these are his correct personal things it's their it seems like tribe the like they're are kind of like hunting regions so it's like cool if you're in this region you're going to be using these caves if you're in like that sort of thing and I'm not sure I'm not sure their full
setup if they rotate who's in which region or what have you but sure but there does seem to be a system to it all gotcha um but then once Georgie runs out of things to point out in the cave she starts pointing at body parts natur which then they're like both getting increasingly aroused right and he's trying to practice self-control because he's like I'm want to be respectful she didn't want this before yeah and so she like tried like she I forget exactly what she did but she like put
her hand on him and then he moved it and she's like why is he like rejecting me but then she realized that he was just trying to be a gentleman instead um and so she's like oh happy to make the first move no prop Bob why didn't you say so oh that was all right no no problem at all I am happy to start this got you covered Bud um and vectal is like okay so this is a green light thank you now I understand he's very into her boobs sure who's not right I mean not hers just
boobs in general yeah boobs are great they're very fun yes like I get why people are so into boobs yeah mine have changed a lot um over the years of like having a kid and then my boobs being like yeah we didn't really exist pre kid and we'd like to go back to how we were but the shape has changed a bit sure we're all just trying our best out here we do what we can yes um but but regardless of what her boobs look like any shape size really boobs are fun boobs are fun yeah and they're
probably even more fun to an alien who's never seen them before true yeah was just thinking of them Steve Carell 40-Year-Old Virgin yes describing the boobs yes bags of sand what have you ever touched a boob before uh I feel like whoever I watched that movie with the first time I watched it they were not the Target demographic for that style of Comedy right and so I feel like I never really like gave 40-Year-Old Virgin like I just think of like two or three scenes and outside of
that I feel like I've kind of forgotten about it in a way where I'm like I should go back and rewatch that it's probably I was like I can think of like the boob thing thing and then the um was it miso horny in that one too was it see see I we're going to have to go back and watch it well then I was just uh R I was pivoting over to role models in my head cuz they have the whole like LARPing oh that is really good yes thoroughly enjoy Role Models yeah hey sexy like a chocolate cup or
strawberry you want to know what I did last night I had a friend named Seth who was a barista at the Starbucks that I always went to and that was his favorite line and so whenever anyone walked in that he knew hey sexy like a chocolate covered strawberry didn't matter I love it it was the best and then but the people who didn't know that they knew each other would be like this Barista it's very forward very forward I'm like no he also knows their name no note he didn't say
that to you and that it's not because he thought they were more attractive than you it's because he's met them before it's not because you're a regular strawberry and they're chocolate covered yes you too are a chocolate covered strawberry everyone is in their own way oh that's kind it was nice wasn't it yeah I was about to get into a whole fondue pun and then was like we can rain that in we don't need to we don't need to dip into other things Mano yes we were discussing Chelsea wants to name an
animal Mano and Hannah just went okay why and I was like oh I really didn't expect that level of judgment no it wasn't judgment I was just thinking like of all like Mano of all the cheeses you know what that sounds like Hannah judg judgment no I'm just wondering it's curiosity guda feta I would name pets those as well yes I would name my my pet that Bri is too human yeah too human says the girl with a cat named Craig and a dog named Brandon you know H Touche on that I mean you have a Sophie
I have a Sophie and I have a Fred yeah and an Annie and a Lizzy you have an Annie and a Lizzy are the fat ones they're [ __ ] is that why I never hear about them I thought I could name all of your pets yeah yeah but I apparently they like to hide from people okay yeah that makes me feel better that I they just occasionally like to try to [ __ ] up Sophie but otherwise they just mind their own business and they think Gizmo is their mom so they lay on top of him a
lot does that smother Gizmo a little bit cuz they now weigh twice what he does and he doesn't have full range of movement he doesn't considering his back legs don't work so he just gets stuck under them 16 lbs of one of them is 16 lb oh my God yeah 16 lbs of cat yeah her belly sways when she runs that's Annie um I had a former youth student whose cat was so fat that when they were doing the Google Earth what if you typed in their address there was like a big black spot on their
driveway it was their cat it was their cat I don't know that um Annie is that fat but she is pretty fat yeah that is a uh a super sized cat yeah which did you see that the dude um who did the super me documentary just died oh really yeah no I didn't hear that he like died in the last week with like cancer complications or something oh man I was like I forgot how big of a deal super siiz me was when that came out mhm but also in a way where like it was a big deal because some people were like wow
eating McDonald's every day isn't healthy it's not good for you I it's not like I didn't know that that was going to be the groundbreaking part that's the real shocker here yes is that you know 100 million grams of sodium a day is not something you should do I had a friend who used to be uh the cow for Chick-fil-A at the shop that he worked at mind you growing up in Florida he was always out on the street corner and he was saying their shop whenever like the
person was going to take a turn in the cow costume they would have them eat a large bir fry DST and salt oh to prevent the heat stroke yes to prevent the heat stroke and I was like dude this feels like [ __ ] Florida dude nothing like a 17-year-old slamming a large fry that just tastes like salt water at that point like give him a Gatorade at least or something like I'm like let's keep those electrolytes up let's not just like retain oh my God like what a while how did any of us survive to get
out that's a separate issue but but you know I also know a lot of people that like absolutely did the thing where they like got out did their time away and like moved right back to like have kids and look as happy as can be and I got to say I'm happy for them I'm very happy for them and no part of me feels a strong desire to like move back no at all like I feel like there would have to be some pretty big things with the Universe telling me that like that was the move um but when I see them
just casually post that like like going to the beach on a whim in the afternoon I was like that was something I definitely took for granted was just being able to just oh I can just go watch the sunset at on the beach every night like oh that's not how everyone else lives their life not even in Central Florida we don't have that no I'm like oh that does sound nice yeah no and you're like and that's why I think about it less than you do cuz I didn't have that to fall I mean we were still
like only 3 hours from the beach so it was a very easy weekend trip or whatever um yes or even day trip it wasn't that bad of a day trip really yeah um but no not not so much on a whim really but then the flip side of that was like always living in the hurricane flood zones 100% so like as soon as anything was officially like coming our way they're like well you probably need to leave again right like it was a tradeoff easier access the water it always is but then
also the water has easier access to you fair point just saying um all right so they're playing the the body part naming game I was like we were on boobs and we that feels on bar um and oh yeah he's really into her boobs she learns that his dick has like a little like knob on the top um which like hits her [ __ ] perfectly during so she's like very into this and so he's thrilled because they have now mated and they just go round for round and as she's like finally falling asleep she's just
like good thing we're different species so I can't get pregnant oh honey right just that feels blindly optimistic well and in his mind he's like we're basically married now yes this is She's mine now we've consummated she's going to have all my Barbarian babies it is a solidifying [ __ ] of of their future and he's like she could be pregnant with my kid right now yeah meanwhile she's like just trying to get some alien strange take a nap yep like and and his his kooy won't
stop purring in his chest cuz it is like so content which is very sweet um so they sleep then in the next morning he goes out to check the traps that he'd set and in the snow he finds a human foot and he's like oh [ __ ] that's why she wants to get up the mountain she's not alone right and he's like okay I get it now I get it now we can move and so cuz he like pulls her out and it's one of the girls from the ship but she cried a lot and so I don't think they were
that that sad that she was the one that went off on an exploratory the crier so she died yeah it was just the foot I thought I was like it's sticking out of the snow and he like pulls it up that's what I was thinking but it's just a foot well they did mention to be fair I don't remember these details over say it's not really a relevant detail but she's dead well no but to your point they like cuz you see the red hair and I think when I read that they they he found the foot I in my
head I interpreted as like disconnected from the body then like saw the body in the red hair but to your point he could have just pulled a foot regardless he now knows there are other other humans and they got to move with some urgency so they get up to the ship site and when they get there snowballs start hitting them cuz the girls have no other way to protect themselves and J's like stop [ __ ] throwing snowballs at me and they're like wait you're alive she's like yes I'm alive stop throwing
snowballs at me I brought help and he has an amazing dick yes I'm imagining that's Georgie's energy a little bit uh but it is funny because they she goes in the ship he ends up coming in the ship as well and she's like giving them all of the Furs and blankets that she collected um and at one point he has like the his kills on his belt like some of the animals that that he caught in the traps and one of the girls is like can I have that like is that for us can we eat that and so
Georgie goes over and like pulls on his belt and it's like can can I have this and he's like you want to mate in front of everyone and Kira like translates it and she's like no no no no no not asking to [ __ ] you just asking if we can eat the dead animal he's like it's not that I'm not into it I'm just a little surprised and so then uh Georgie asks for fire so that they can cook the meat for the other girls and he's like explaining to Kira because we he realizes that like she can
understand him that he has to go back down the mountain cuz like where their ship crashed really isn't anything right it's pretty bare so he has to go back down it to get supplies um then he tells Kira he's like look after my mate while I'm gone and so like as he leaves Georgie's like wait mate what what do you mean mate huh no come back what's a mate I have I have some questions are you Australian I just thought it was good dick but but it's also funny because
when she ask for like hey can you make a fire so we can cook the meat one of the girls is like I'll suck his dick if he can make a fire at this point like and George's a little like back the [ __ ] off she's like hold on if anyone is sucking dick for fire here it's me I am the primary dick sucker in this group the primary dick sucker number one dick sucker hey should get mugs sorry going to be in this smut Club swag shop our merch store whenever we have one number one dick sucker
what what I was just thinking about just like all of like the random mugs that people get gifted oh sure and then I was thinking about using those on a worklink and not realizing what mug you picked up that morning and then your boss is like what does that mug say and then you have a meeting with HR later that afternoon a little toast nothing a little dick can't solve right hey um of course that only really works in the remote work world I feel like you would notice if you left the house with
it yes so if we do put put them in the swag shop we should make them uh we should make them the color of your new water over there oh shart truce I don't know why I just Vana whiteed that because you know what you won't accidentally take something that says number one dick sucker and disch charge ruse into work with you that's true that is a conscious choice if you take that into work with you it's also not like you probably have that many other mugs that are this color you're
not going to get it confused well you might I might that that would be a real bummer for you yes yes it would but also you work at the same place as your husband so he might be walking around work a little more proud little extra pep in the step you know um so vecto goes to get fire supplies and such and when he comes back one of the girls is coughing and Georgie is like do you have any and he's like medicine won't help that's the Koy sickness um but once again they're like
so much of a language barrier cooties yeah like coy coy Cy like what is this um and so there there aren't enough language skills to fully explain it so we just kind of live in that confusion but also as VL is like making like cooking all of the meat he keeps handing it to Georgie because he's like she as small and frail as everyone else she needs this food too but every time he hands it to her she hands it to one of the other girls because in her head she's like he's been feeding me for
several days they need this more but then he's getting more and more annoyed cuz he keeps trying to take care of his mate and she keeps giving away everything that he's doing for her just let me help you yes yeah um and one of the other girls is like Georgie just does he know like we don't want to stay here like this is not our end goal and how do you think he's going if he thinks you are his mate how do you think he's going to respond to that and she's like
yeah haven't you know let's get out of the ship that feels like a tomorrow problem only so much I can do we're on basic survival right now can't worry about the state of relationships and getting off this planet and all that other [ __ ] yes and so then when all of the girls go to sleep for the night uh vectal starts like trying to put the moves on Georgie and like all of the girls are giggling and laughing do I have something on my head you itching your head scratch I was scratching you
scratched it and made eye contact so intentionally that I was like I'm I can't tell if her scratch is that no that big or if she's letting me know it was really irritating me like I had a hair there or something and I was like do I have a hair but I don't think I do anyway so the girls are giggling Beck's trying to get it yes and put in his head he's like well apparently humans aren't as sexually open as my people who knew like figuring out my mate as we go but she seems to
not want me to mate her in front of everyone we're more open people um so the next morning as they're talking about the rescue plan like all the girls like cool so we're going with you and he's like it is a multi-day walk back to my tribe if that is just me moving like I it's going to take forever yes he's like I none of you have shoes none of you have clothes like none of you have anything you need to be able to like make this move well so George and I are going to go back we're going to get
support and like get a bunch of people from the tribe then we will all come back and rescue you together so hold tight until then essentially um which the girls like aren't thrilled about but what else are you going to do and they get it at that point what's the alternative really yes so uh vectal and Georgie leave the girls behind and he's like he's like yeah I took this like winding mountain path last time he's like I am going as the crow flies and just getting as as clear through as I
can and he goes we're going to need to stop for like just the night um and we're going to stop in the elders cave and when they go in the elders cave it has like very smooth walls and it's like this does not look like any of like the other like manmade caves and he's like yes this is like the magic cave that the elders came from essentually yeah the magic cave yes they bone in the cave and then as she's laying there after they've boned and she's like what's that blinking
light and he's like oh that's magic and she's like I don't think that's magic and asks him to like help her like break the ice wall and she realizes like it is a spaceship that they are in oh yes and so when they they break through the wall and what was flashing was like the control panel board and she's like do I hit this button and turn it on feels like good things never happen when you hit the button but like I think I'm going to hit the button yeah she's like what the [ __ ] Choice do I
have right so when she hits the button it turns on the computer as the system is booting up uh we learned some things about like vectal people are called like the I don't know s AK H sock I was going to say I think that's sock yeah that's what I thought as well okay um but they actually crashed on this planet like 287 years ago or something like that and there had been like 60 people on the ship at the time um and some survived but others didn't because of the koi illness which we then
learn finally get some details about it that it's like a nitrogen like gas element in the air that's just like inhospitable and so if you do not have uh a what did they call it a symbiot is like what the computer called it a Koy um you would not survive so you and the Koy live in I don't know Harmony symbiosis so a koi is Like A Parasite or something like it's an it is another entity that is like the essence of life is what vectal and his people refer to it as but it's also like
it it shifts your body chemistry a little so you heal faster um things of that capacity you are warmer so cuz I think the computer ask like oh what do you want me to set the temperature to the human ideal temperature or the sock ideal temperature which was like for humans the computer was like yeah I'd set it to 72 f the sock I set it to 37 fah oh yes um so she's learning more about the Ki and the the symbiosis and all of these things and she's like okay these are some helpful details to have
um the computer also says that like pretty much once you're on the planet like you kind of need a koi within about like 8 days because your body is going to continue to De compensate and deteriorate okay the ship can also do like linguistic updates So it's talking it's able to talk to VL and explain things that it's able to talk to Georgie then it's like do you want us to do a one-time language update for you she's like yeah so it like does a retinal scan and then I
don't sends a Power Burst it hurts she passes out but when she wakes up she can speak the sock language cool so then she can communicate with her partner which I'm sure and she can understand him now so it goes both ways yes nice so wouldn't that that would be a really cool superpower to have to be able to like immediately just like download and understand any language now there are like a couple moments where like more modern slang right didn't necessarily catch up
287 right years later but like they're so the stock people are so far removed from this that like VL had no idea that their people had crashed and like that is how they ended up on this planet right uh he he just knows this is the elder cave that's filled with magic but I'm like what was the magic was the magic just a blinking light this whole time yeah so like they their I would imagine oral tradition like seems like it went away pretty fast that it was like they lost all of that yeah well
and I can imagine that if you crash onto an ice planet and it's been almost 300 years right and if you were losing a lot of people because they did not have a kooy mhm that like having that like oral history probably wasn't a priority right initially I love that we're really going into the we're like super into it right now yeah it's good anyway the important details of this book well now I'm thinking like wait a minute wait a minute how long have white people been
in America like okay well you know actually like okay our oral tradition probably would have deteriorated if we didn't have all the technology that we have which clearly they didn't have the resources for yeah technology goes a long way with uh being able to like maintain and preserve history yeah yeah so when you live on an ice Planet feel like your options are a little more limited we have other priorities I take it back I get it well and I feel like that becomes one
of those things that like you're probably is this folklore or is this like our our real whatever so they she gets the language update they make it all the way back to his people his people are like what who is what's this yes like they walk into like the the caves and a little boy goes mother why is it so ugly oh I that's one of the moments that vector's like and I love her flat face and all incredible it really is cuz he's like so offended for his M why is it so ugly and
Georgie's like wait you think I'm the weird looking one all of you have [ __ ] Tails like like excuse me you horned weirdo yes one of the healers uh goes to look at Georgie's wrist and she's like I can reset it for you uh she's like but you don't have a kooi and like the way I am a Healer is like my kooi has ability to like encourage yours to work harder to repair and and heal faster so she's like I can reset your wrist for you but like you kind of got a janky wrist until yeah until you have a
kooy you just have a janky wrist um but then we're also learning a little bit like Georgie is talking to her and just understands more of how the Koy resonance works and that like the Koy decides and like you might not like the person but it's also like you are now mine and I am now yours and like so one of the things that they mentioned is that like once you have uh like resonated with someone when you continue to deny the mating it like becomes like a more urgent sense within you and so
the fact that like she doesn't have a kuy and it took them so long to make just learning more of those details so she's more understanding now that like this self-control that he had and like the respect that he was showing took a lot more intention and energy maybe than she was giving him credit for and like is maybe understanding his behaviors more yes I think I think understanding like the I was caught in a snare and then when I woke up a man was like we will be together forever right a man
with horns and a tail and blue skin and ridges on his [ __ ] like Hey what how did we get here yes and so this is also where like veal is telling the men in the tribe about the human women and they're also really excited because it's a harsh planet to live on and their tribe is not huge at this point right and so there are I think about like 20 adult males that like are essentially single and there's like four adult women in the in the whole tribe so they're like wait there's more
women sign me up I'll put my shoes on right now I volunteer his tribute to go on a rescue mission um but when vcal is describing the human women he goes they have no tails and their mouths are small and they do not have fangs they cannot eat fresh meat they must cook it until it has no flavor and a third nipple on her sex like this is what a description thanks buddy which I think it might be in the second book that uh the dude he's like oh here's the third nipple he was
talking about and the girl's like say say what now I found it she's like did you just call it a nipple it's not oh um when like technically he's not wrong about any of it but it's not it doesn't feel flattering no 1,000% but he's like finds it so endearing and he's like she's a he's like she's such a unique creature like I still find her beautiful it's so sweet honestly when he gets back to their cave uh Georgia Georgie gives him a [ __ ] and he is very into the work
that human mouths can do I imagine the lack of things really improves The Experience he's very into the work that human mouth can do number one dick sucker he's very into the work that mouths can do feels like the magnet fridge poetry of someone be like try and put [ __ ] like they don't have the words for it okay how can you write blowj job with the magnets you have very into the work mouths can do hey babe what that mouth do so as they're in their like postcoidal
cuddle Georgie's like your your purring has stopped and he's like oh yeah like it's very content after we mate and so it it Qui it quiets for a while and he's like but it'll stay once we have a have a kit of our own and she's like a what the [ __ ] you mean a kid we're different species who needs birth control we're different species Panic U yes and re's like the Koy always chooses a fertile female like and she's like wait so it's not like this is your soulmate it's like this is
your fertility mate is kind he's like yeah you know a little like that and she's like what the [ __ ] so I could be pregnant right now and he's like yes so excited he's like all of my dreams have finally come true read the room veal oh my God he cannot oh but she also like gets it cuz at one point she's like it's hard to be mad at someone who doesn't understand why you're upset you're like oh you're not wrong yeah she can still be upset just not at him he didn't do it on
purpose exactly like it's just the way of the people and the customs and and the things so the next day or however long it takes them to get back to go Rescue all of the human women when they get there the women are in rough shape like one is like pretty much in a coma none of them can really move it smells horrific I'm sure right um and so the the men come down and are like helping to try and like take care of them and get them warm and making warm broth and
things like that and someone starts like purring and they're like who the [ __ ] just resonated but like no one will own it awkward they're like but they also know that like the women might not want to stay and so from Vil's perspective he's like yeah it's kind of an awkward situation to be like this is the person that my soul Longs for who is now my essence of being and they might not want to be here so like maybe I'm not going to tell them quite yet I think it's more like their impression of
it um so Georgie is talking to the other girls and is like listen these are our options we can we can stay with them we can go back to their tribe they will like accept us as their people we can fight like or we can try and figure out a way off the ship like and off the planet at this point like so with no sources and no ship and no anything and the threat of like those traffickers coming back well and so that's the whole thing is like the girls are like do you like we couldn't we
can't we can barely stand up let alone defend ourselves let alone not even defend ourselves go on the offensive right right and they like we think staying with with the blue alien tailed people sounds like a solid choice at this point comfortable with that yes so then George is like oh veal forgot to tell you so I know you were really excited about rescuing these five women we got like another six in the stasis pods hope you're not mad and he's like why would I be mad I'm ecstatic our tribe is
thriving he's like listen our potential mate op options have like tripled like this is fantastic 1,000% he's like I see no issue the biggest issue is transporting everyone back we can do that no skin off my nose happy to yep like Piggy backs all around heyo then as they are working on like getting the women out of the stasis pods um vectal is explaining that they're going to hunt a beast called a SOS I don't know sure felt a little russan um a little bit Yeah essentially
it's a giant beast that's filled with kooy so whenever you need a c like you have to kill the beast but then like there's enough kooy for everyone who will need one it's not like you have to kill all um but they also say that like when uh they have kids that like their kids will need a kui as well and so they whenever there's a new birth in the tribe they go on the hunt to kill one so that the child will survive because you know nitrogen in the air gets a little right well I hope aui
is not finite a finite resource I was wondering that yeah and there you know I've only read the first two so I guess there are 19 more books for me to discover if they're there's a a kooy shortage yes I'm like are they mating and reproducing because I hope so what happens if you kill all of the Sak such a hard K I really try you nailed it um then as this is going on there's like a high-pitched wine and Kira like claps her hand to her ear where she has the translator and
then collapses oh and then like all of the women are wincing and then all of The Trackers that they have in their arms from the OG aliens start like lighting up and they're like we need to get out of here the aliens are coming back MH um people are like bet you're you're coming with us no problem at all let's also maybe cut those trackers out of you and so they all leave and they go on the hunt for a Sak love it every time and each pronunciation is a little different it
just they all have a hard K on the end that's the only consistent thing starts with an s ends with a hard K SOS nailed it I feel like I would say that in Europe and just get punched in the face accident yeah like what do you say about my M like insulted someone's mother 100% absolutely so they get all of the women and they get the trackers out of them and they go and hunt the giant beast and then they kill the giant beast and then koi essentially look like glowing worms
so it's like a parasite like organism um that enter you through they like like vectal like cut like puts a little cut on Georgie's neck and like that's how it enters so she doesn't eat it okay it just Burrows and I don't know if if if burrowing is worse burrowing feels worse initially but then also you don't have to swallow I heard it I really didn't think I didn't think you know end of sentence no comma yeah yeah yeah so all of the women get a kooie sure and then vectal and Georgie have their
solidifying [ __ ] is like actually being fully resonated and mated um she introduces him to doggy style which most of the time they don't do because they have tails right and he has that little nub on the top of his dick so she loves the little ass play action and he loves it as well and it's something that he never thought was an option H right because he didn't think any of this was an option until like 4 days ago right and then his life changed cre with new
Anatomy yeah then as they're [ __ ] they see the alien spaceship come over and then leave cuz the ship was empty and now they're here for good the end wow wow yeah what a journey you're welcome yeah yeah okay what are your thoughts as someone who did not read that um my first thought is every time you said Koy all I could think was Kio colani which was the the last queen of the Hawaiian people which is not relevant so great trivia fact though thank you yes um
so there was that do you have question questions I mean yeah duh I mean I don't feel like you could hear a synopsis of that and not have follow-up questions that is fair like does everybody live in one cave was the cave they entered like a little town or a village there are more details that I just like didn't necessarily go into where it seems that there's like one big like Central cave and then there are like little pod caves that are like where people live individually but there
is like a community area that has um like a river running through it a creek sort of thing so they have a place to bathe and gather and things of that capacity okay okay well that's good yes but also there're probably other details that like we won't learn about until Book 15 well I also am wondering if George she is pregnant she is oh okay yes I mean I assumed um but what I found interesting because then read the second book which is about Liz who's like super snarky and
honestly I didn't find her that endearing like I enjoyed the book but I like didn't love Liz um she gets pregnant as well because pretty much you resonate and then if you start [ __ ] you're going to get pregs is the energy it's giving but then we learned that their uh pregnancies are like 35 months long Jesus Christ yes and I that is where I have a lot more questions that I don't have answers to me I had questions about like the compatibility and like what does
this alien pregnancy look like and what does that do and what is the birth like and like what's a hybrid like and all that [ __ ] right but 35 months I feel like I don't want the answers to any other questions well and also Al you got to think how quickly was Ruby Dixon dropping these books in the series because if it takes 3 years and like all of these books are like back to back where they're initially meeting I'm like how long before we actually see a pregnancy all the way through it could
be book three find out what a little hybrid looks like yeah valid questions okay what is our rating system for today though um worms when you when you said that for some reason all I thought of was um the office when Kelly is like wants to lose weight yes and she's like I hate this thing inside me when she's like Creed gave it to me he's like that wasn't a tapeworm that wasn't a tapeworm that honestly I was thinking like so they're they're eating a tapeworm like yeah that was kind of yeah
but no the tapeworm is just burrowing on its own I don't have a different I don't have a better word than burrow but it does feel worse somehow yeah um okay I think worms are a great option yeah let's go like out of like 500 worms worms are very small that's true and I don't know how many are [Laughter] inoc but I probably not that that many we can go out of 100 okay okay I would probably go like 55 okay maybe 60 okay I think I would maybe go yeah like 55 to 60 we can 57.5 worms oh no
not a half 57 worms 57 worms I'm comfortable with that 57 out of 100 c worms sure they glow worms cotie worms circle circle dot dot I got my kooy shot I also was thinking about ringworm really repeatedly in the whole time you I was like let's not do that many ring worm that would not be ideal that's horrifying yes um but honestly I it's a very endearing yeah read it sounds cute yes cute and kind of fun and like a little different yeah I I haven't necessarily read anything exactly like
it it was very Charming uh and sure there are moments where you're suspending belief but like you got smuggled by aliens onto an ice Planet you're suspending belief from the jump right right so I would recommend reading it I do think it is charming I think that there's a lot that like I couldn't necessarily capture that was cute but would actually recommend commend the read if that is a genre that that you are into and actually quite frankly even if you aren't someone who
like has historically read like alien or Monster smut or or things of that capacity I feel like this felt very like approachable yeah like very like entry level yeah yeah so if you're interested in exploring yes exactly if you're like oh I'd like like I've never read anything in that genre maybe I would be interested this is one to try it on H for sure all right and if you don't like it you don't need to read the next 20 in the series yeah you can cut your losses you
can stay where you are it was it's like 180 pages that it is a quick read it is low investment yes absolutely yeah all right well let us know how many kooey worms don't know why but every time it's just something about the words uh how many worms you would rate this book don't forget to like And subscribe on whatever platform you choose to listen on and we're so glad that you're here thanks for coming and hanging with us it's it's very humbling that people just
like want to go on these Journeys with us yeah we appreciate you smut [ __ ] we do bye smut puppies bye well that's it for this week's mut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you cuz it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it would mean a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us an ear we love you we appreciate you and we'll see you next week stay Spidey [Music]