well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is [Music] ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and hannah hello hey everyone welcome to smug club i'm hannah and i'm chelsea and we're just gonna jump right into it today you know that that's really the only option when you have a book like this one there's there's no need for preamble no
um there is a need for a lot of wine though so i would i would get an alcohol if you don't already have an alcohol it doesn't have to be wine sure the alcohol of your choosing um it might it might help this journey if you're um sober from alcohol maybe whatever you you choose to unwind a glass of warm milk at all i don't know maybe a a brownie or a cupcake although your choice of frosting is very much up to you if you listen to our last episode thank you very much if
you've listened to our review of neighbors um you are really sorry you know what we are referencing um but yeah maybe maybe take an edible maybe like whatever you need to do to just like really get in the zone for this story because hannah what's the name of this book it is morning glory milking farm by cm niscosta honestly i feel like that's review enough like and thank you all for letting no i'm just kidding yeah and that that thing that was all for smack club today
morning glory milking farm you guys so this book is the first in what will be a series it is however a standalone it's one of those where it follows one couple for each book for the series so the first book morning glory milking farm in the cambric creek series so we are let me just paint a picture we are set in a sort of alternate reality where mythical creatures exist they don't just exist they are part of like normal western society so we have vampires and uh
shape shifters werewolves that kind of things wolves you mean wolves i think you mean wolves hannah i said what i said um we have pixies and ogres and and minotaurs and all these different kinds of creatures who have like regular blue and white collar jobs you know and they are somewhat there is some segregation that we'll get into i don't know but like it sounds like for the most part they're just like productive members of society yes okay and i don't know if sam niscosta meant
this to be like a a comment on something frankly whatever the comment was was lost in all of the hugh jackman's of it all because it's so much y'all it is so much so are you referring to hugh jackman the actor or are you referring to hugh jackman as a as a hand job as a hand job that is also going to be our rating system how many hugh jackman do you give this book is ultimately our rating system at the end yeah i'm really sorry you guys so morning glory milking farm we open with
our dear friend violet who is um in her apartment watching a training video for a job that she has not yet decided if she's going to take and in this training video she watches this fox shifter um giving a handy to a minotaur okay go on so that's how we open so it apparently training video like an instructional video an instructional video okay and there's a lot of detail in here about how to handle the testicles it's a lot of information to drink in okay i mean if it's your full-time job you
better take that [ __ ] seriously and she does [Laughter] a lot of notes are taken there's a lot of highlighting it's a lot it's a lot so we learn that violet has recently graduated from graduate school um as some kind of like historian museum [Music] management something or other regardless she cannot find a job in her field okay okay so she she went to school and got a degree that is not furthering her career no that alone might be the author's political commentary it really
could be because what happens is she so she had moved from her very small town hometown out of her parents home her mother apparently has a lot of anxiety a lot of expectations it's been a lot for our our friend violet she's really struggling with her mother's like hovering so she had moved out and moved into the big city hoping to find a job so that she could kind of start her own life and she has been unable to do so in her field so she starts looking for literally anything
that will pay the bills so she finds an advertisement for something called a milking associate at the morning glory milking farm and she's like what the pay is amazing it's full benefits cambrick creek is a super cute town i am really excited about this and brandon the pug is also really excited about this yes my my pug brandon is the most excited about it honestly he's so excited he might go ex it's like celebrate and process how excited he is in his crate which is not in this room
so that that might be coming our way sorry buddy so she applies for this job and apparently goes for she does a couple of video interviews and then she goes to an in-person tour of the facility where she finds out that a milking associate essentially is an individual who provides manual stimulation to minotaurs in order to collect their sperm so she's a minotaur fluffer she is a minotaur fluffer although is it is it still fluffing if you bring them to completion i don't
think so i think the definition of fluffer is like to prepare for the main show so i think if you are if you are getting all the way to the main show that it is not fluffing so if she's bad at her job she's a minotaur fluffer yes exactly so um she discovers that she is going to be providing tustin jimber lakes to minotaurs to collect their sperm my i'm already like i'm so excited for this full review just to hear how many different euphemisms hannah can use for [ __ ] we
already have hugh jackman and tustin jimberlake it's gonna be a lot and i would apologize but i'm not sorry so so she in in the opening chapter she's trying to decide like do i really want to do this like i'm essentially going to become a sex worker like do i really want to do this and then she realizes if she doesn't do this she's gonna have to move home into the basement apartment at her parents house back into her hometown and she's gonna have to put up with all of that [ __ ]
and she's like you know what i can do it i can do it i'm going to do it so she is taking copious notes on the proper technique to get these minotaurs where they need to go she's an academic at heart she really is she really is and she's very passionate about her work which i can appreciate i love someone with a good work ethic yes and violet if nothing else has a good work ethic so so she goes it's her first her first day essentially she's getting into all of this and um she
is paired up with a another milking associate who's more experienced who's going to be training her so she's essentially trained like shadowing this milking associate and watching her as she goes through the process so it's very descriptive well and you know it's also funny hannah and i know we've mentioned this in a previous episode but how we met was you trained me on a job neither of us has anymore i did do that you did yeah i did do that to be fair i think you'd only started
like two or three weeks before me and not a lot you pretty much single-handedly led my training for someone who had just started before me so i i feel a kinship with violet here you know um i can only hope that i was as thorough and supportive as her trainer was because that's like a major point in the book is she's a very good friend to violet so she coaches her through everything teaches her the process the procedure they have these like like uh it i don't remember what it's called but
it's like a machine so they they begin with the manual stimulation and then when we get close to completion they apply this thing this machine that has suction that then brings them in a target to completion so she is pulling i guess yes yeah okay and then she collects like the the sperm is collected in like an old-fashioned milk jug like a glass milk jug to go along with the milking farm theme so she is responsible for cleaning the um the equipment and making sure the
room is ready doing the paperwork and things like that but she's not actually doing anything in terms of the actual milking well you gotta you gotta show what you bring to the table you gotta like do the grunt work first right right she is not ready to go full shandy should we need to work up to it you know yep so that's three for those of you who are playing along so um so about a couple of weeks go by violet is starting to make more money she's feeling more confident um
she's really looking forward to and this will be important later she's really looking forward to being able to buy coffee at a couple of the local coffee shops um because that's like a luxury for her because she has has struggled with money for so long so um she's really excited about everything but then she shows up one day and her trainer is like hey violet it's all you babe like i'm going to be shadowing you now like it's your turn this is just like when you trained me it is it is
only with less bull penis like like not no bullpen but just less you're gonna give people a really weird perception of the job you trained me on for the record we're both therapists we are licensed therapists there was no bull penis penie penises i think that's the right one um i've been saying syllabi a lot recently and i i just got on that i was like penie nope that's not right um there there was no bull penises in our training at any point yeah to be fair there were no penis in any of the
training [Laughter] no penises allowed there were no species of penis allowed in the training that was completed anyway although it wasn't completed was it if there wasn't one there it was did it did it come to completion we wouldn't know because it was all virtual if a tree falls in the forest which by the way some men are clearing trees in your yard right next to us right now so i i can hear it i don't know if the listeners can but i can so if a tree falls down in my neighborhood
yes it does make a sound it can be heard yes so anyway violet is like oh [ __ ] i was very comfortable just like kind of being present for this and doing the grunt work and now i have to actually like do it like oh god now i have to do the grunt work she she sure does and there is grunting so she has that work ethic we applaud it damn straight so she goes in and so the way that the milking room is set up there is a platform where the minotaurs come in and then there is like a lower level
where the milking associate is so the i can't believe i'm going into this much detail about it but so the minotaur there's a they call it a a a bench like a a milking bench where the minotaurs basically straddle something that has a hole in the middle so that the their their penises come through to the lower level that's at like face level with okay i was literally about to ask how high the platform it's not like face level with the milking associate so they're
more able to handle i'm really sorry that i'm doing hand motions right now i know you guys can't see it but i just realized the hand motions i was doing and i feel really bad about it so [Music] okay so essentially there's a in their warehouse where they do the milking there's multiple levels and the minotaurs end up on they straddle a milking bench and then put their junk eye level with the milking associate right who then fluffs them until they put the machine contraption on them yes
to finish and put it in drugs yes yeah so she goes in for her first client right and she's super nervous also quick question just for my own conceptualization of this is there like is the bench high enough that like there's like not really like you're not really talking to the minute like there's no like conversation or like can you like do do they make eye contact do they engage or is it just like is is the thought process that each minotaur just like comes sits on the bench there's no
eye contact no communication they just get their hugh jackman and then move on to the next thing and like is that like like a conveyor belt of minotaur dicks so it depends and we're gonna get to that okay so i'm jumping the gun there can be eye contact and there can be conversation however the milking associate is in scrubs and like a a face mask as we're all very familiar with now thank you kovid and like a hair net situation well not hair net but like covering thing so she's
pretty well covered but conversation and eye contact is uh part part of the fluffing process depending on the minotaur it could be okay so she walks in and she's like like freezes up and her trainer is like hey so sorry for the delay we've got a trainer taking care of you today but she's really great like don't worry about it and she's like thank [ __ ] for her because oh my god like because she sees this minotaur up in the platform and she's like am i into that oh [ __ ] and so she goes into
like what part of him was she like her hit like his back like his back muscles so she sees his back muscles and his dick and is like am i into this and his tail i guess and hooves you know i forgot about the hooves i guess minotaurs are hooved animals i once had a friend she went to an allergy specialist who he told her she was only allergic to hoofed meat options and i'd never heard that before but it is reminding me of this book so would that be like cows and goats
and pit like do pigs have hoofs pigs have hooves right yeah i guess to be fair whenever i think hooves i think horses but i also we don't we don't readily eat horse in america no no no we're not in america so yes but she was a vegetarian anyways so it didn't really make a difference so yes i have no response anyways minotaurs have hooves minotaurs have hooves so and haunches that's you know there's a lot of description of haunches in this book so he gets settled um and he's like
as the trainer is like i'm you know it's a trainee today we'll we'll get you taken care of quickly he's like whatever i'm on my lunch break just hurry up right because apparently these minotaurs make a [ __ ] ton of money because so i don't think i've explained the reason why they're collecting minotaur sperm who needs a reason there's just a factory for minotaur sperm so apparently somehow somewhere someone discovered that minotaur sperm is a very helpful ingredient for human male
erectile dysfunction and so it is used in the little blue pills for human men to get it up and i mean honestly here's my thought how did they discover this i've thought a lot i know that's probably not in the book but in my head i'm like i'm really curious about their scientific discovery for was it just like a bestiality relationship sure that like then as the human was going down on the minotaur he got himself up sure and then he was like whoa minotaur sperm we should all try it
i'm really creating this narrative here but i i do have questions around this scientific discovery so i have thought a lot about it because it's very clearly not like like a madame curie or isaac newton or any of the above situation it's not a penicillin it's not the discovery of penicillin it's not the discovery of penicillin where somebody just forgot to wash the the petri dishes and came in and was like what like that clearly is not how we got there so i'm very comfortable
with the idea that it was like a a man going down on a minotaur and being like what like that's pretty here's the thing i'm just gonna say i think i'm more comfortable with that thought than like how we discovered cow milk was drinkable yes like yeah i do have a lot of questions about that just like in our actual world as well like at what point was someone was like this looks like was it like this looks fun i should squeeze this and then they're like i should drink it too like how did
we get to a point in life where we were like we should be squeezing that part of a cow i feel the same way about lobster like who got hungry enough to eat a giant sea bug like whoa you know i never thought of that or an or an oyster or a clam like oh and i i love seafood so that's not even the issue but like how hungry do you have to be i think in the olden days i don't know how long ago the olden days were but i feel like there was like a lot of trial and error
with food because here's the thing like like mushrooms honestly i'm mushrooms have a weird texture i don't really [ __ ] with them i love mushrooms well and i'm glad someone does i i can't bring myself to like them i've tried so hard but like some must like mushrooms are delicious some mushrooms will give you like these psychedelic effects some will kill you instantly and like there's so much trial and error in figuring out which is the correct mushroom form
we are really getting on this tangent so let's just we're gonna bring it back in we're gonna come back regardless of how it was discovered the point is that it is our sperm goes into viagra essentially yes in this like alternate universe so so she goes in she's very nervous this minotaur she finds very attractive she doesn't even really see his face so much she sees like his his back through his dress shirt because he's apparently a businessman and she's like that's pretty hot
and then he gets he can't be that good of a businessman if he needs to make a dish so that is addressed okay that is addressed apparently they make so much money from these deposits that a lot of them almost live off of that and then work full-time and just like save oh yeah i love their entrepreneurial spirits right i'm super i'm i'm very proud of them so basically it's addressed in the book that pretty much every male minotaur does this period end of discussion like
it's just expected that that's what happens that's what they do so he gets onto the breeding bench as it is called and she she lubes up there's a very large obviously thing of lube available and she starts like giving him the full steak and shake and he is four for those counting at home that was the fourth hand job euphemism so yes and she's like this is super hot like i have not been turned on by watching this before when my trainer was doing it so i don't know what is happening but
i'm super into it so she's giving him a handy and it's very descriptive it is very descriptive of of all of it and he is not circumcised and it's just a lot to deal with are mennonites normally circumcised i don't know i'm not familiar enough with minotaur culture to comment on okay so that that's not something addressed in the book it is not addressed in the book so she's like what i really like this and then he starts so he there are different classifications of minotaur that come in
that the milking associates have and i won't describe those later but he is one that is basically the like quick one-and-done like not here for a good time just here to make some money kind of situation so normally they are very that that type is very uh stoic and just like pounds it out and is good to go but he starts like making sound and like doing all this and she's like [Music] getting more and more aroused by all of this and i think at one point she says
between him and me i'm going to float out of here which and once again she's really just seeing his back like and his penis and his penis i imagine it had to be a beautiful penis for this level of reaction sure but like he's making some sounds and moans and whimpers that like let us know he's into it but like we know nothing about him or his face and like it's not like they are having any conversations not really except that he says that i'm on my lunch break like let's hurry the [ __ ] up
basically so she is doing her thing and she's like i think i might be good at this actually and um he starts to get closer to completion and so she attaches the machine and then she's like well in the video she like played with his balls so i should do that because they did it in the video and i took notes about that so she is an academic at heart she is and she's very much a perfectionist and so she is going to be the best [ __ ] hand job performer of all time listen if there is a rubric
for being a milking associate she is shooting for perfect scores on whatever that metric is i feel like we're looking at milk jugs for the uh not not hugh jackman for our ratings milk drops milk jugs maybe we'll do a little bit of both we'll just have to see how it feels so so she does she plays with his balls he makes a lot of sound and he he comes into the milk jug and she's like holy [ __ ] that was super hot like that should not have been hot like he's just a client like that's really
weird that's never happened before oh my god right is hipaa involved here i mean they do a lot to respect the minotaur's privacy they do because i guess technically it is a medical procedure however hipaa is not directly addressed in the book there's never a release of information signed no no you got it so she walks out and she's like god damn and then she carries on with her day and that doesn't happen again like she continues to provide the nantucket handshake to
the rest of her clients but it does not happen again that she becomes fully aroused by that yeah so it was only the one minotaur who arrived just the one it was just the one so then at the end of the day she goes out to the front desk and apparently the minotaurs can tip if they're like super into whatever happened but but the milking associates don't know who left what tip it's all anonymous but in one of her little tip envelopes she gets like a crisp hundred dollar
bill and she's like i know who this was from okay i mean if it wasn't from him i'd have more questions okay so she starts to get more comfortable with her job she's getting into it and then and i pulled this up so i could make sure that i told you correctly so there are several different types of minotaurs that come to this milking farm and um they're so i'm going to go through them we have the earners so the earners are the one that ones that can account for essentially like
every drop that's a direct quote i'm really sorry that i said that um so they are fully aware of all of their output they make very good money from this for some of the for some of them this is their primary income stream so they are the earners um i'm really sorry their primary income stream god damn it so sorry so the next is the pop and go [Laughter] that's what it says it's right there it says poppy i don't doubt it but if y'all i'm about listen hannah's doing this i
need more wine you're gonna hear me pour more wine and i apologize it will pick up the sound but like i feel like i need more wine for this experience and if there was ever ever an episode that should have been like sponsored by bota box but wasn't it's this one and it would be way cooler if it were right like hey buddha box you you really keep us going through this and you don't sponsor us but we'd love it if you did yeah because if there's anything that's rip right rich and smooth
it's this minotaur's dick it's the minotaur sperm thank you the pilot would agree i was so sorry recommendation like i'm really sorry on like deeply also we apologize buddha box we are not comparing you in any way you're not comparing your argentina dark malbec to minotaur sperm it's delicious and i've never had minotaurs i did see on tick tock the other day stop i don't even know where this is going a semen mixology book a semen mix shut your mouth when you're talking to me that is not a thing
it was no it was a thing and he showed it and he went over some of the listen i know there's great protein in it but like put that [ __ ] in my smoothie i get that that could be in the book you know i apologize for [ __ ] on it so readily but like i'm no no king shaming here that could be part of the mixology you don't know i i i take back my judgment i apologize it was a snap judgment and i regret it anyway the pop and go so these are the ones that come basically this is first timers
and it's first timers and vance just pulled up chelsea's husband just pulled up the seminology mixology book i feel vindicated thank you great news guys it's free on kindle unlimited stop yes we will put it in the show notes it is free for those of you who are subscribed to kindle unlimited i don't know how much it how much does it cost if it's not unlimited 22.95 so you too can learn how to mix semen and i don't remember any of the names of the the the drinks but i do remember that
they were very funny so maybe i'll look them up later but the point is the pop and goes are essentially first-timers that show up and tend to talk a big game like i'm here to rock your world baby like you've never seen somebody as big as me and then they basically come in like two seconds because they're not used to the stimulation that they receive so then they leave very embarrassed so it's like most guys at a college bar pretty much every guy at a college bar
but minotaur but minotaurs okay i'm but but they can probably back up their size a little bit more because it's a bull penis situation instead of just like like a 21 year old [ __ ] idiot who's had too much whiskey and thinks he's really cool because he drinks whiskey you know i once ordered whiskey on the rocks at a bar and at a honky tonk in nashville when we were living there and the guy at the bar next to me literally looked at me and said will you marry me
and i went you have a very low bar my friend so honored but if your only bar is that i drink whiskey this is too low a bar and i want you to aim higher for yourself i don't know if i should feel better or worse that i have not had a spontaneous proposal like that i mean i have but not in that that scenario well plot twist he's not my husband oh i know everyone is shocked by that i know poor guy i hope he's happy wherever you are i hope you're happy whiskey on the rocks guy right
so then we have the clock watchers which is the one that she was super turned on by these are the guys that are essentially like high power businessmen um just making a little extra money um they're always on their way to another meeting to a lunch meeting to whatever so um it's very much transactional for them and they very rarely um vocalize or express any kind of excitement they're just like didn't get out i want my money for my sperm basically yeah cool so the last one is the one that is
the most like uh why was that necessary for this um as opposed to the rest of the book which is very necessary obviously yes yeah um it is the good little cows i wasn't ready i wasn't ready for it i said what i said so the good little cows are basically into the fantasy of being milked like they're into that kink and so sometimes so there are notes in the milking associates like uh files for the day that will tell them if they want them to wear a specific kind of outfit like a milk made
oh outfit okay um and um [Music] so like these guys it's like more fetish for these guys yes okay it's less business more fetish yes and they do tend to be the best tippers apparently um well one won't hope if it's your fetish and they're making it like making your dreams come true that you would tip well don't be stingy right and they're very clear in the book that the owners of the milking farm are very much about the safety of their um their milking associates and so they say
if anybody's ever inappropriate with you all you need to do is report it and they'll be banned so i guess that's good like i don't know what the point of that was you know like for the i mean on mass of the book like just if we sort of distill it to what it is why well i mean like i bet there's some freedom for a milking associate to know that like if a minotaur is inappropriate that like they can hold a boundary and they can say like no you are no longer welcome here sure yeah
like that must feel good because you know like what would suck if like someone was like really inappropriate it was a really shitty experience and they like showed up the next week and they're like they requested you and you're like no ma'am yeah there's a certain amount of empowerment to know that if somebody makes you feel unsafe that you don't have to interact with them again yes yes i could i could agree with that so um violet is getting more settled into the
job she's learning more about it she is making pretty good money and she's kind of like rocking and rolling along and then she gets a request so she has her stack of files for the day she gets a request and she's like oh [ __ ] this could only be one minotaur and i'm like why you've literally serviced like 200 at this point like why could it only be the one but okay so she's like oh [ __ ] and then so as the day goes along this particular day nothing is going right
like the the equipment's not working properly not the minotaur equipment they're fine but like her the the milking equipment is not working properly she's behind schedule like nothing is going the way it's supposed to so she gets to her last appointment of the day and it is the minotaur and she finally sees his face and she feels like he's super hot did she initially recognize him by his back muscles she did okay yes and he's wearing a a septum piercing okay um and
she's like that's also pretty hot like i'm kind of into that and so they sort of strike up a conversation she talks about how bad her day was he's like i'm so sorry i hope that i wasn't your bad luck because i requested you and she was like i guess we'll just have to see they start talking about coffee she shares with him that she went to this particular coffee shop and he's like no no no no that coffee shop is terrible you need to go to this one and she was like okay i'll remember that
blah blah blah blah blah so she carries on with her life she continues to work and do well and make money and make all these tips and everything's going great um her mom continues to call her to try to get her to move home and she tells her mom she's working for a pharmaceutical company which i guess is technically true so then one day she's at a coffee shop this guy starts hitting on her and she's like jesus christ and she's like is she at the coffee shop that's the dude recommended okay and
she's like oh [ __ ] like i am not into this and this girl comes up to her and is like hey han like i'm so sorry i'm late thank you so much for like saving a table like blah blah blah blah so like a random stranger totally comes up and saves her we love this stranger classic classic like girl power move here so sorry i need a little more wine for what's about to happen oh god so she makes friends with this person who is uh british i guess and super nice chatty
um she discovers that this uh woman is a vampire who works at a restaurant for vampires and so she is essentially a collector of blood so people volunteer and get paid um to provide blood to this restaurant and this vampire collects it i love that all of the species in this universe really all work to each other's greater good they do and only in cambric creek so in the larger city um the other species are kind of more looked down upon but in this particular sort of town suburb area of the city
you have like she and she describes like moth people ogres pixies trolls dwarves like all these different kinds of creatures shifters um all coexisting together and kind of loving on each other and supporting each other which is great so um she meets this this vampire they really hit it off she they decide they're gonna meet up again um she continues to work blah blah blah she sees the minotaur again and makes specific like the minotaur again she does not know his name because it's only
initials on his uh file so he requests her again so she knows that she's been requested she sees his initials she knows that it's him um and she makes a specific note of his septum piercing and every time and i'm not going to get into it every time but every time she gives him she she goes for the full handskip he um she is super aroused by the whole situation right so um she goes home and is thinking about him she watches some minotaur human porn gets herself off
she then decides she needs to look up what the septum piercing means because not all of the minotaurs that she services has them so she discovers that the septum piercing generally means that the minotaur is married so she is super upset by this because she was like i thought we had a connection and then she beats herself up because she's like we did not have a connection i'm giving him a medical procedure like you need to calm the [ __ ] down right i i just really love that like hand jobs
like this entire book is about giving minotaurs hand jobs and she's like it's a medical procedure it it is okay it is so um she yeah so she does the whole deal um of like pulling back from him essentially because she's like oh he's married like i really should not be so like he like shows up to be serviced and she's just like not talking about coffee anymore like more like just like withdrawn yeah okay she's trying to have more professional boundaries because she recognizes that
like she's maybe going a little bit too far with this guy if she's into him like that so she then goes to get coffee a couple of days later and he's there and she's meeting her vampire friend and people are currently cutting trees down in chelsea's yard so i'm really like we are college guys y'all there are there are trees coming down they're like they're not small trees they're not and there are a lot of dudes out there there are and so like something to know about
where where my husband and i live is that it's a it's very heavily wooded and there's also some steep angles you know what else is heavily wooded these minotaurs hey i'm so sorry um no but for real my so our yard is very like heavily wooded our neighbors are getting some trees removed but because of generally how most all of these trees line up that people need removed um they can't just like let them cut them and let them fall so they actually have to like rope
like pieces down individually or if they cut it down it will land on your house yeah um so the end of this episode could be really interesting right but like we applaud this noise for the fact that like my neighbors are getting trees safely removed that won't fall on my house or theirs in my neighborhood is notorious like we had some trees removed recently and the guy was like oh yeah whenever there's a storm that comes through like your neighborhood like all of the the
tree service people get hit up because like trees always fall down in fact when we were buying our house we were under contract that hadn't closed yet a hurricane came through and two trees fell down and hit our neighbor's house and i was like i'm so sorry but also i don't own the house yet so it's not my problem yeah um we haven't we haven't talked to them since i bought the house and it is my problem you know but you know these things happen and so they do so um
so violet do we know his name at this point not yet oh my god no i don't even know his name okay no we don't know his name so so she is at the coffee shop and she's meeting her vampire friend and he's there and he's there and she has already emotionally withdrawn from him because a septum ring normally means in their community that he is married yes and so she's like oh [ __ ] oh god i did not want to talk to him ever again oh god and so she's kind of freaking out is it
like actually she didn't want to talk to him or is she like a low-key a little excited that he's there i mean i guess she's a little bit excited that she that he's there but she's like really sad she's really sad um that he's married and she had like built it up in her mind that they had this connection and he was married so he's like oh hey like let me buy you a coffee and she's like no i'm here with someone and he's like oh you're on a date and she's like yep
yep i'm on a date even though she's not so she's lying to just like put emotional distance between them technically it's a friend it's a friend date so i mean if you want to splice it that way you can feels like she was reaching for the sake of she was the distance between them though she was for sure so he's like oh oh okay right and then later he he comes back to the milking farm and they're like kind of weird and she goes up onto like the milking bench area
which she almost never does and they're like talking and he's like well i didn't realize you were seeing anyone and she's like well i didn't realize you were married and he was like the [ __ ] are you talking about she's like you're you're piercing and he's like no i'm divorced i've been divorced for two years i've just been afraid to get this removed because i think like it's gonna hurt like getting it hurt a lot and getting it removed is gonna hurt a lot and i've
just been kind of been avoiding it and she's like oh i was on a date with my friends and then they're like oh okay well then they cleared up this big miscommunication they have okay and honestly like that is basically like the biggest plot point of the whole book like there's no plot at what point in the book does that happen it happens like about halfway through a little more than halfway through okay yeah so then she's like oh okay and he's like we should get dinner and she's like i don't
i don't think i'm allowed to do that and he's like sure you can and so because there are um cameras in on the milking level but there are not cameras on the breeding bench level um for the privacy of the minotaurs so anyway so she gives him the five finger slippy and then and then um he he's like we should get dinner they plan a date and she's like i think this might be unethical but i don't really know like oh so she's she decides to go for it they go out on a date it's really lovely
she really enjoys his company everything is great she hears more about his um ex-wife and decides to look her up she discovers that this this ex-wife is like a uh i don't know what you would call it like like she's mixed so she's half minotaur half human and she's like super gorgeous and all this other stuff and she's like oh [ __ ] she starts to kind of feel bad about herself what is your body if you are half menitar and half human i don't really okay i just i think her facial features
were more human than a minotaur okay i can work with that yeah but she still had hooves in a tail and hooves is an allergy apparently apparently aren't hoops like fingernails though i mean to be fair i don't eat human fingernails so i don't i don't eat hooves or human fingernails i just want to clarify that for the record no one was asking but just just to make sure we were all on the same page i just choked a little bit um okay you need more wine there no i'm good um so she like gets kind of
self-conscious and he's like no you're you're gorgeous and blah blah blah blah blah you're gorgeous even if you don't have hooves and a tail exactly that's what that's what we all want to hear from our partners honestly like that's why i married my husband did matt say to you at some point hannah you're beautiful even without hooves and a tail you know i don't think he used those exact words honestly i'd have more questions if my husband did my husband was like i think you're
stunning even if you don't have hooves i'd be like wait hold up i mean in all fairness my husband is from very rural west georgia that's basically alabama so i would also like to clearly state just because hannah's husband is from west georgia he has never been into bestiality he hasn't and i let's let's just clear that [ __ ] up right now you're like i just want to be clear he is from west georgia and i'm like you know who's going to be pissed listening to this
episode your husband when we're talking about minotaur sex and you're like he is from west georgia y'all let's be totally fair he's not going to listen [Laughter] he has to listen to me talk about this [ __ ] all the time anyway he is not going to this is why we started this podcast because all in a ridiculous book i'm like oh my god vance i just need to tell you all about it and then i feel like i'm like i'm very early in to what i think it's a great book description and i can
tell he's like i'm ready for this to not yeah eyes are glazing over like we're checking out he's like for sure so i would like to play a game on this on my nintendo switch at this point and i'm like yeah you know i guess i guess this might not be as exciting for you which is why we started this podcast so we could all have a safe space to talk about smut with people who give a [ __ ] because our husbands are very supportive wonderful human beings who we like adore with every every fiber of our
being and they also don't read smut or really have a desire to discuss it with us yeah they don't get excited about it you know they just don't and by excited we just mean like excited to read it we don't mean like aroused excited so yes so at work i have a feelings wheel yep all therapists should have this it's a great tool it's very helpful for people to identify what they're feeling and on this feelings wheel is the word aroused and i cannot tell you the number of
times that a new patient has come in and picked it up and said how many times has somebody said aroused i'm like too many bro like more than you would think like honestly more than you would hope for real for you the goal is that no one comes in for therapy and when you're like how are you feeling today and they go around you're like well that's not the word i was hoping for yeah yeah like maybe we should end session early but anyway so they go on a date it's very enjoyable she's super into it
he seems super into it it's all great she's starting to get kind of anxious because she knows the size of his member um because i mean she has at least on three occasions now yeah given him a beef jerky she had given him a beef jerky i'm i like i both i simultaneously love and hate all of these hand job euphemisms i personally can't stop i got so excited about all of these euphemisms that i made a list for all of the ones that i wanted to make sure that i and she texts me about it like hannah
straight up text me and she's like i'm so excited to review this book because i have a full list of my favorite euphemisms for hand jobs and i was like that is commitment my friends like literally my notes for this book are just hand job euphemisms like that's that's all how many more do you have on the list that we haven't hit yet a lot yes all right let's get back in so you you can start knocking those out so she knows what she would be working with because she has given him a smiley dan
in the past so um she is like hoping that he's gonna come inside and he's like giving her a nice little kiss you mean like come inside her house not inside of her both okay valid yeah so um yeah so he drops her off she's like what's happening here um oh they go on a couple more dates he does wind up taking her home and this is where the book for me like none of it has been great in all fairness to siem nescasta and all the wanky jobs that happened here none of it has been great
but this is where it's like okay so we we were sort of tiptoeing to the line and now we have we have tap dance to cross it okay so she finally goes home with dude buddy and he she starts to give him a swedish massage and not like a regular one like a handy swedish massage and he has a ton of lube and obviously because it's going to be necessary because they're very specific that he is quite large and and wide and there's a lot happening for him in that situation so
she's getting really aroused and really excited and he's like no no no no no no like pump the brakes we got to get you ready for all this because i'm not trying to hurt you right now and she's like but you could though and he's like no so he pumps the brakes he slows it down he tries to get her ready and here's the problem no here's a problem so they talk about the amount of ejaculate that is happening right because it's being collected scientifically and medically so we know the amount
and she is fantasizing about oh what 24 ounces oh my god stop stop right now you shut your mouth right now so like the standard ejaculation for a minotaur is 24 ounces of semen that's what fills up the jug so they don't all meet that i'm looking at my water bottle right now that holds 32 ounces and i am feeling very concerned [Music] oh no that shouldn't all go in your body you're a human no no it shouldn't go in anybody's body really it should go in a glass jug and into viagra
which is the whole point of the milking farm i mean yes so she is wicked turned on by this whole scenario again she has watched minotaur human porn and gotten herself off to this she's telling him about it he's like i'm real into that and eventually is this his first time with a human do we know i don't think we know but it does seem that way okay it does seem that way but he is trying to be very careful not to hurt her which is nice that's very kind you always appreciate that yeah so they do it
it's very messy it's very messy there's 24 ounces of jizz i hated i hated that sentence yup i mean you're not wrong but i hate that you said it okay so there it's very messy there's 24 ounces of jizz yes and they need a lot of towels you know the great news is very specific in the book go to costco get a get a pack it's very cheap you can bleach them after i hate everything about this but go on so after all that happens and she is left to clean up the kansas milk of it all she
i'm sorry guys i'm not that sorry i'm going to keep going because i can't stop so much like oh i forgot his name is rourke she finds out at the coffee shop coffee shop his name is rourke so they continue to bang and it's all great her mom is trying to set her up with some guy that she grew up with in her hometown and she's like jesus christ woman like please leave me alone like jesus jamal xavier christ please stop calling me about this like i'm really not into it
and she can't like mom can't stop so there is some some concern about the whole inter-species situation so she talks about common in this universe it is so she talks to her friend who is the vampire and gets some support around it she also meets her she meets rorke's neighbor who is a pixie who's in a relationship with the an ogre i think and she's like yeah he's like massive and like oh my god and you're like why is this part of the conversation right i mean oh anyway well but also like
i don't know i think back on when i was dating my husband and if i like there there wasn't an inner species question of any capacity but i do feel like if my husband's neighbor had been like that's who you're dating he's huge he's so well endowed i'd be like i don't want to have this conversation with you yeah that would have been a i would say hard pass but that feels weird for the current conversation so that feels worse that's like like a flaccid pass that's terrible classic pass man
i'll have to pass on that one i want to start using that more but i don't think there's a setting in which it's appropriate it's only this setting flap and pass literally only with me on this podcast can you use the phrase flaccid patch and we will use that in the future and no one will like they will have to come back to this episode for context or they'll be like what the [ __ ] is chelsea talking about and she's like flaccid pass on that one [Music] precisely
so anyway she does get a lot of support from other females i'm not going gonna call them women because they are not human but she gets a lot of support from other females around the whole inner species thing and she's like maybe we can make this work and then she's like oh wait is he gonna be weird about me working at the milking farm because like i'm i'm i'm like giving a a sand job to other dudes like is he into that did you say a sand jump i did i have are they at the beach i don't know
a sand jab that's better than a sad job is that yes uh well you know it there's probably less friction than a sand job but a good job so here's the other thing about this whole book okay so i've used a few different obviously like a few different euphemisms but some of my favorites like a nantucket handshake and a houston high five i don't know that they would be fully appropriate because this is like an alternate reality so so nantucket and houston don't exist i did use kansas milk and i won't
apologize for that but you know i don't think you need to apologize for not knowing the nuances of the universe which this is happening thank you i probably need to apologize for a lot but not for that yes give yourself that freedom so she's like okay i'm really into him this is going well but will he be okay with me being a milking associate because it's not just him i mean milking precisely um and he's like yeah babe it's a medical procedure like it's all good like
you're the only one i want milking me but it's cool if you keep this job i know that it's important to you to have your independence i could support you like you could move in with me tomorrow and that would be cool but i know your independence is important to you blah blah blah so um her mom calls her and says she found a job for her in her hometown sort of in her degree field closer to her degree than jacking off menopause uh yes closer to closer than giving squeezies to minotaurs yes
so i can't stop y'all and i nor showed you like i don't know if i'm proud of myself or ashamed of myself but it's happening and you guys are along for the ride so here we go so she's like no i'm not moving home i'm not dating this weird dude that you want me to date i'm not i'm not doing it i have this job i really like it blah blah blah blah but then rourke gets her an interview with a pla with a museum that would be in line with her degree she's super excited so she goes it goes
really well she's with a a like leopard shifter some kind of like large cat situation i don't really remember um he's super nice she winds up getting the job it's really great she moves to cambrick creek um loving it she decides she still wants to work at the milking farm like one or two days a week and uh rourke fully supports that she is um she she gets her own apartment in cambridge creek even though he says that she can move in with him she's like no i want my independence for a little while
blah blah blah and then yeah so that's where it ends she gets a job in her career field she's still working part-time as a milking associate she's still with rorke getting that inner species strange and that's it that's that's wait that's that's the end of the that's the book okay so i want us i just want to be clear let me summarize what i feel like i heard you say please do i'm using my active listening skills as a therapist here okay so um she gets this her master's she can't
find a job in in her field she gets a job as a milking associate she sees the back of one minotaur and like loses her [ __ ] mind yeah and then he requests her a couple times she thinks he's married he goes plot twist i'm not married i'm divorced and she's like okay i'm into this i was hanging out with my vampire friend i was not actually on a date let's move forward together they have messy inter-species sex and which is very explicitly described so if that's something you're interested in
i guess read it and then she's like okay so we're a thing now what does this mean and then he gets her a job in her field in that town and then she stays on prn as a milking associate yes um the end yep what a journey wow stupid here's the thing it's not that much of a journey you know it is it isn't a journey one thousand percent agree like i'm like part of this is i'm like we really experience that together but then the other part of me is like but what did we
experience exactly like this is not full of twists and turns this is like a cool hop skip and a jump like from a to b you know there's not a ton of plot is what i'm saying i'd say there's very minimal plot there's there's not a lot of plot like but it just like i feel like most of the book is in the description of jacking off a minotaur yeah it's just straight up stroking beef salami like that's it that's it that's the [ __ ] book dude like riding the bologna pony yes yeah okay yeah
that's what we're doing here and you know sam costa makes no apologies for that and i appreciate that you know it seems as though cm really doubled down on this one and she did like you know you went for it she went all the way and apparently there are going to be more in this series that have not been released yet and i'm just gonna be totally honest i don't know if i am looking forward to it or not but i can tell you i will likely read it simply because it's very akin to a
train wreck i feel like it's like some anxious anticipation maybe not even anxious no begrudging anticipation definitely yeah okay so did we decide if our writing system is hugh jackman's or milk jugs i'm gonna go it should be hugh jackman's like that's where we started and that's where it should end okay so how many hugh jackman's are we rating this and we can write it as both the australian actor who's a gym and we we all love and we can rate it as the euphemism for hand jobs
yes it's very interchangeable at this point um much like the milking associates um except for the good little cows oh god i forgot about them so i'm gonna go with like like 3.5 out of 10 hugh jackman's like there is no plot here it it's just about how massive his bowl penis is like that's literally the book that's it so
3.5 out of 10. if that is 3.5 hugh jackman's as hand jobs i just want to make sure that we're clear yeah that would be if a hand job is 24 ounces that would be about 84 ounces of minotaur sperm is what we're rating this book is 85 ounces of minotaur sperm do you think it's worth that 84 out of 240 yes you know i will perfect yeah 84 ounces of minotaur sperm given to us by hugh jackman's out of 240.
listen if hugh jackman is listening i don't know where you would find minotaur sperm but if there is anyone on the planet that is capable of making that acquisition it is you also we're so sorry we love you you're you're like you're an australian national treasure you're an american national treasure we don't deserve you and we do love you and we apologize except we don't that we are referred to hand jobs as hugh jackman's if anything it's a compliment yeah i feel very
complimentary for the whole thing right i'm gonna go watch the greatest showman [Laughter] yeah so thanks to hugh jackman um and though we are we are not endorsed by hugh jackman it'd be a lot cooler if we were this is the greatest show you know and on that note i feel like we should bow out so thank you and good night have a good evening [Music] well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was good for you because it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it
would mean a lot if you take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us an ear we love you we appreciate you and we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music] you